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Chef! (1993–1996) is a British sitcom, starring Lenny Henry as tyrannical chef Gareth Blackstock, that aired 20 episodes over three series on the BBC.

"Personnel" (1.01)

Gareth Blackstock: Let me explain the order of things to you. There's the aristocracy, the upper class, the middle class, working class, dumb animals, waiters, creeping things, head lice, people who eat packet soup, then you.

Gareth Blackstock: See, in life, Piers, different people want different things. Some want large fortunes, some want carnal knowledge of vast number of the opposite, or indeed their own sex, and some want to write down the numbers of all the British rail diesel locomotives currently in service. Chacun à son goût. Me, my single aim in life is to send the finest, best presented food through that door there. That’s it! And if it’s at the cost of a few human lives, well, that’s fine by me.

Restaurant Manager: Garreth, please…be reasonable!
Gareth Blackstock: Reasonable?! What are you talking about, reasonable? Since when am I reasonable? Do reasonable people produce eighty covers twice a day of the finest gastronomic experiences in England?! Do reasonable people get two Michelin stars? Do you think it’s reasonable to spend your life walking around dressed like this?! Reasonable?! I’m arriving bloody lunatic! If I wasn’t cooking I’d be out doing serial killing! You look at me, you see a personality problem under a silly white hat. Don’t talk to me about reasonable, I don’t do reasonable!!

Gareth Blackstock: I get the feeling that we’re in the general area of the topic of discussion now. Could we now get to the point? I mean, what has brought to you all this way that might interest your old school-extremely-slight-never-liked-you-anyway, probably-flush-your-head-down-the-toilet-as-soon-as-look-at-you-acquintance?
Everton Stonehead: Well, I’ve decided that I wanna work in a decent kitchen.
Gareth Blackstock:You are no doubt waiting for me to say to you 'It pains me to say this' or 'It gives me no pleasure' YOU WILL WAIT IN VAIN! I am Gareth Blackstock I am seriously unpleasant. I am a bastard what am I?
Piers:You're a bastard Chef.
Gareth Blackstock:Contact.

Gareth Blackstock:Ahh so you have a drreeeaamm Everton how unspeakably delightful for you.

"A River Runs Thru It" (2.01)

Gareth Blackstock: Get me a large knife sharp like a razor. I have to castrate the person who made this sauce and I want to avoid any unnecessary suffering. It is imperative that the author of this atrocity is not allowed to breed any more.

Gareth Blackstock: No need to worry about the health inspector coming, the shock would kill him on the spot. The bacteria under Everton’s section would consume him in seconds.

Gareth Blackstock: God I love fishing. Well, obviously what I actually love is standing in cold water up to my goolies. That must be the appeal because I never see a fish, neverless catch one.

"Time Flies" (2.02)

Janice: (to Gareth) This child of yours, it's going to be the male version of the immaculate birth, is it?

"Do the Right Thing" (2.03)

Gareth Blackstock: The partridge I want is one which has eaten wild food and lived a wild life, has struggled, hoped and dreamed, has sown wild oats, has tasted the bitter disappointment of middle age, and knows what it is to eyeball The Grim Reaper in the watches of the night; the partridge sunk in the veil of years, with all the flavors of its rich eventful life captured in its texture, it’s juice, its very flesh. I do not want this callow, milk-fed, adolescent, uncouth, undeveloped wodge of protein. I don’t believe in eating virgins!

Janice: Out?
Gareth Blackstock: Yes, out. You remember out. You go through this door, the temperature drops suddenly and the scenery changes.

"A Diploma of Miseries" (2.04)

Gareth Blackstock: Now, about the chicken—
Janice: Screw the chicken, Gareth!
Gareth Blackstock: We live in a small community, Janice. People would talk.

Gareth Blackstock: (to Everton) I pay you what you're worth. How could you possibly afford a flat?


Gareth Blackstock: This isn't a bill, this is grievous bodily invoicing!
Gareth Blackstock: You're charging me so much money, you could afford to eat in my restaurant!
Gareth Blackstock: I'm very glad you made this Piers. It's reminded me why we never have Vegetable Terrine on the menu. It does indeed look like a Tuscan Summer, it tastes like a Neopolitan compost heap.
Gareth Blackstock: Everton. This is a restaurant in which we serve the finest food that can be prepared by man. If you can think of anything more appalling to find on your plate than a used Elast-o-plast, then I don't want to know what it is. Search the pies, and when you are finished, take your sharpest knife, point it at your chest, and hurl yourself violently forward.
Gareth Blackstock: Do not misunderstand me Mrs Courtney, do not take this the wrong way, this IS personal, I WANT to be rude, I an HOPEING to cause offence. I have a lifelong abhorence for violence inflicted upon women Mrs Courtney but I am taking urgent consideration for making an exception in YOUR case. I have just seen your bill, It is for the sort of money which rarely changes hands without the aid of a gun and a getaway car. There a names at Lloyds sitting around in darkened rooms with loaded revolvers who owe less than this. IT'S A DISGRACE!!!! You are chaging me so much money YOU COULD AFFORD TO EAT IN MY RESTAURANT!!!!

Gareth Blackstock:Piers can cook in his sleep you know it's amazing. How do I know? Cos i've never seen him do it AWAKE!!!
Gareth Blackstock:You're pea brained, prat faced, pillock headed cretin, what are you?
Everton:I'm a pea brained, prat faced...
Gareth Blackstock:If you took an intensive course of intelligence injections and studied till you drop then one day you might make it to moron third class failed. GIVE ME STRENGTH!
Everton:Yes Chef.
Gareth Blackstock:I don't want to shout at you.
Everton:No Chef
Everton:Yes Chef.
Gareth Blackstock:In a sanely ordered and civilised society anyone found making RUNNY mayonaise whould be tourtured to death SLOWLY IN FRONT OF A WARM APPLAUDING AUDIENCE!!! Egg yolk, mustard, rescue it DROP BY DROP!!!
Gareth Blackstock:Well I guess this is Crispin's Day. All we have is remauning stocks and what I'll buy today. We've lost two porters and a commis so the people in the room are IT. Piers and Everton whose duties once included keeping the kitchen clean will no concentrate soley on the prepeation of food so no change there then. The morons will survive on tips alone, little babies. And it occurred to me that since you're all working for nothing you might think i'd be inclined to treat you all with greater caring, patience and understanding but then I realised that even in THIS kitchen no one could be THAT stupid,
Gareth Blackstock:Do you know I was thinking the other day about how kitchens used to be in olden times. Little things we used to do back that we've all but forgotten about since, like for example how we used to CLEAN THEM from time to time Piers. You see this is my explanation for why the surfaces in this kitchen are so low, it's the foot or two of CRAP we've accumulated under foot making us seem that much taller. PIERS dear heart, you've found a brush how wonderful, haven't seen one of those since I was a small boy where did you get it the Science Museum? Go carefully Piers there my be a Roman Mosaic hidden underneath.

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