Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Joy Handler (born February 25, 1975) is an American stand-up comedian and actress. As of 2006, she has her own sketch comedy program, Chelsea Lately, on the E! Television Network.


  • I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I'm drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'
  • It’s important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, into anal beads and duct tape.
  • Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
  • (to a group of customers who left her a $13 tip on a $500 bill when she was a waitress) It's Jews like you that give Jews like me a bad name. Give me some more money.
  • (on being invited to a BBQ by Eva La Rue) As long as there's Grey Goose, I'll be there. Chicken wings and Grey Goose, that's my name.
  • (to Eva La Rue after she said she would marry a third time) Third time's a charm, right? I mean, why not? Obviously you're really good at it.

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