Clerks (film)

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Clerks is a 1994 film about two clerks, one who works in a convenience store and the other in a video rental store. They have an unusual day at work when dealing with girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, protesters, drug dealers, and worst of all, the customers.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith

Dante Hicks

  • A woman makes a guy cum; it's standard. A guy makes a woman cum, it's talent.
  • Great, every time I kiss you, I'm gonna taste 36 other guys!
  • [to Veronica] Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot! [a guy standing near the door begins to walk off] Hey! Hey, you! Get back here!
  • You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
  • I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
  • I'm not the type of person who will disrupt things just so I can shit comfortably.
  • My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
  • 37?! I'm 37?!
  • I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Randal Graves

  • No time for love Dr. Jones.
  • This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
  • Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule.
  • Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
  • And I'm caught in the middle, torn between my loyalty to my boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
  • Oh, and Caitlin. Break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
  • Some guy came into the store refusing to pay late fees. Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership.
  • Bunch of savages in this town.
  • Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
  • Salsa Shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat! Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa, shark's in the salsa, our shark.
  • (To Dante about his constant complaining of the events that transpired during the day) Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! There you go, trying to pass the buck; "I'm the source of all your misery." Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to get back together with his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one?! You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself! (mockingly) "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
  • Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?

Jay

  • What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?
  • Yeah. Silent Bob, you're one rude motherfucker, you know that? But, you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal. [a horn beeps] Ew, you fucking faggot. I hate guys! I love women! [Willam approaches them] Whatchoo want, Grizzly Adams?
  • I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
  • I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
  • I need some tits and ass! Yo, I'm feeling good tonight Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, you know what we gonna do, we gonna go to that party, get some pussy. I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck anything that moves!
  • What the fuck you looking at? I'll kick your fucking ass! [to Silent Bob] Didn't that motherfucker owe me like ten bucks? Tonight, we'll rip that fucker's head, take out his fucking soul. Remind me next time he buys something to shit in the motherfucker's bag.

Silent Bob

  • You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, but they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.

Other

Female Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.

Caitilin Bree: I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.

Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

Dialogue

[Dante is painting Veronica's fingernails beneath the counter]
Veronica: You think anybody can see us down here?
Dante: Why? Do you wanna have sex or something?
Veronica: (sarcastically enthusiastic) Can we?

[After Dante finds out about Veronica and Snowball]
Dante:...You sucked that guy's dick?!
Veronica: .Well, yeah. How do you think I knew--?
Dante: But you said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica: Because I never had sex with him.
Dante: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh my God, why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I did only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante: How many?
Veronica: Dante--
Dante: How many dicks have you sucked?!
Veronica: Let it go!
Dante: How many?!
Veronica: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante: This is different, this is important! How many?!
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante: ...Well?!
Veronica: Something like 36.
Dante: What?! Something like 36?!
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36?! Does that include me?!
Veronica: Ummm, 37.
Dante: I'm 37?!
Veronica: I'm going to class.
[Customer comes up to counter]
Dante: Oh, my God. [To Customer] 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
Customer: In a row?

Veronica: I stopped by home and brought you some lunch.
Dante: What is it?
Veronica: Peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off. What do you think it is? It's lasagna.
Dante: Really? Ah, you're the queen!
Veronica: I'm glad you've calmed down a bit. Hi, Randall.
Randal: 37?
Dante: Shut up. Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy but I'll be able to deal.
Randal: Slurp, slurp, slurp
Dante: Why don't you go back to the video store?

Dante: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal: 37.

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Sanford: So?
Dante: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!
Randal: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: Fuckin' A!
Dante: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!

Dante: Only 12 minutes of a game and then it's over?! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm not even suppose to be here today!
Sanford: I still get free Gatorade, right?

Randal: Hockey's hockey. At least we got to play.
Dante: Twelve minutes is hardly a game. Jesus, it's hardly even a warm-up.
Randal: Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink?
Dante: Yeah. Gatorade.
Randal: Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?
Dante: Exactly! They drank it all!

Randal: What did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante: Empire.
Randal: Blasphemy.
Dante: Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father. Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Video Store Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good…are either one of these any good?
Randal: What?
Video Store Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Video Store Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Video Store Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal: Nope.
[The customer turns around, then holds up the same two movies.]
Video Store Customer: Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Video Store Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Video Store Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate--
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Video Store Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.
Video Store Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And, I hope it feels good.
Video Store Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Video Store Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal: You'll be missed.
Video Store Customer: Screw you!
Randal: Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: (outside) Yeah!
Randal: Screw me?

Randal: The 'Milk Maids'?
Dante: The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date, as if somewhere beyond all the other gallons is a container of milk that won't go bad for at least a decade.

Angry man: Now lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the fuckin' store!
Hockey player: Dante, where are ya?
Angry man: He's busy!
Dante: In a second!
Angry man: Fuck "in a second"! This--oh look at you, you can't even pass!
Dante: Hey, I can pass!
Angry man: How 'bout covering the point? Man, you suck.
Dante: Who are you to make assessments?
Angry man: Hey, I'll assess all I want, pal.
Hockey player: Hey, Dante, you in or out?
Angry man: Don't pass to this guy. He sucks! You suck!
Dante: Oh, like you're any better?
Angry man: Hey, I'll whoop your ass any day, pal!
Dante: Oh, it's easy to for you to say from over here!
Angry man: Gimme your stick, pretty boy. I'll knock your fuckin' teeth out and pass all over your ass!
Customer: Hey, you open?
William Black: Yeah, you open?
Dante and Angry man: No!

Randal: You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of 'em.
[flashback]
Customer 1: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Customer 2: So, do you have any new movies in?
[The camera zooms out. Behind her is a sign that says "BRAND NEW MOVIES!".]
Customer 3: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
[flashback ends]
Randal: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
[flashback]
Customer 3: Oooh! Navy Seals!
[flashback ends]
Randal: It's like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal: Annoying customer.
Customer: Fuckin' dickhead.

Mother: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What's it called again?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Child: Happy Scrappy.
Mother: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt and 8 Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone II: the KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yep. Oh, wait a minute, uh, what was that called again?

Randal: Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times?
Dante: Eight and a half.
Randal: Eight and a half?
Dante: Party at John Kay's, senior year; I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.
Randal: So, that's cheating?
Dante: No. In the middle of it she called me Brad.
Randal: She called you Brad?
Dante: Called me Brad.
Randal: That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl 'Mom'.

Dante: You hate people!
Randal: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: [offended] I will never come to this place again!
Dante: I'm sorry?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Randal shows the customer a graphic picture from a porn mag.]
Randal: I think you can see her kidneys!
[The customer runs out of the store.]

[Dante talks about the barrage of stupid questions he gets.]
[flashback]
Customer 1: What do you mean there's no ice? You mean, I have to drink this coffee hot?
Customer 2: So, how much is this thing anyway?
[The camera zooms out to show a sign behind her proclaiming that the items are on sale for 99 cents.]
Customer 3: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh! Mini-Trucker magazine!

[Randal has spit water at a customer.]
Dante: What the fuck did you do that for?!
Randal: Two reasons. One, I hate it when the customers can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante: Oh, Jesus!
Randal: And two, to prove a point, title does not dictate behavior.
Dante: What?!
Randal: If title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water on that guy, but I did. My point is that people dicate their own behavior. Even though I work at a video store, I choose to rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal: I like to think that I am a master of my own destiny.
Dante: Please get the hell outta here!
Randal: You know I'm your hero.

[Dante, Randal, and several others are playing hockey on the roof of the store when the ball is hit off.]
Dante: Hey, any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.

[Olaf sings "Berserker" to a female, as well as Jay and Silent Bob.]
Olaf: My love for you is like a truck, berserker. Would you like some making fuck, berserker.
Jay: That's fuckin' funny, man.
Girl: Did he just say, "making fuck"?

[Olaf sings a different part of "Berserker" to Snowball.]
Olaf: My love for you is ticking clock, berserker. Would you like to suck my cock, berserker.
Willam Black: That's beautiful, man.

[Dante and Randal have just returned from a wake]
Dante: I can't fuckin' believe you!
Randal: I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante: You knocked the casket over!
Randal: It was an accident!
Dante: (sarcastically) Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal: It wasn't a big deal!
Dante: Her fuckin' body fell out!
Randal: Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Dante: Just go! Just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, open the video store!
Randal: Shut the fuck up, junkie!
[Jay comes and farts on Randal and then hides behind Dante.]
Dante: Please, just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, you cock-smokin' clerk!
Dante: [to Jay] And what did I tell you about dealin' in front of the store?!
Jay: I'm not dealin' in front of the store!
[A guy walks up to Jay]
Random Person: You dealin'?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]

[Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
Caitlin: What are you watching?
Randal: Children's programming.

[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
Customer: They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Dante: Well, why guidance counselors?
Customer: Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Randal: Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.

Randal: Embolism in a pool.
Dante: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

Dante: I could never reach it.
Randal: What?
Dante: Well, you know...
Randal: What, your dick?
Dante: Yeah, like you said, everybody's tried it.
Randal: I've never tried it. Fucking pervert.

[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Dante: Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Customer: Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Dante: Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
Customer: They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Dante: Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Customer: Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
Dante: I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
Customer: It stings a little.
Dante: A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Customer: Thanks.
[Randal walks in]
Dante: You know that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Dante: I can't believe I'm gonna miss the fucking game!
Randal: Well, at least we're stuck here together.

Jay: My grandma use to say "What's better? Fuckin' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I fucked up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Dante: Meaning?
Jay: I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to fuckin' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the fuck outta this fuckin' jib joint, with this fuckin' faggot Dante. You cock-smoker.

Tagline

  • Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you
  • A very funny look at the over-the-counter culture.
  • "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" - Dante
  • This Job Sucks
  • It Delivers.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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