Comic Book Guy
Happiness adds and multiplies, as we divide it with others.A. Nielsen
Comic Book Guy is a character from The Simpsons.
- We have a surprising abundunce of Lee Carvelo's putting challenge.
- Worst. Episode. Ever.
- Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness? [looks it up in a little book] Ah, yes: Gargauuuth!
- (exiting Taco Mat with a wheelbarrow full of tacos) Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.
- Ooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
- Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
- There is no emoticon for what I am feeling!
- I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
- I am interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my Token Ring Ethernet LAN configuration?
- Once again, my underwear has become entangled in a cowcatcher.
- Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point. Now make like my pants and split
- (considering a "gag" disembodied hand) The gag I would give a D+. As for the workmanship on the hand...
(Suddenly, the hand runs down CBG's back and gives him a wedgie) Ooh! That's not right!
(Audience laughs) You mocking me? Oh, that is rich.
(The hand wedgies him harder, tugging him right off the stage. He lands on a rack of wizard hats, two of which stick to his chest.) Stop your laughing! You're all banned!
(Takes the hats off his chest) Banned, I tell you!
- Dating service clerk: (to Ned Flanders, referring to contact ad videos) And if you're desperate, there's always the "one night only" bin.
Comic Book Guy: The bin is spoken for.
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
- Homer: How much could you give me for this original Joe DiMaggio trading card? It's kinda old.
Comic Book Guy: I'm sorry, I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I'VE GOT! (empties the entire cash register on the counter and gives Homer the cash). Oh no! I have smudged it with nacho fingers! I must deftly lick it off! Deftly...
Homer: Thank you! (mutters) Freak.
- Bart: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm beginning to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.
- Oh please, you couldn't even change into Bill Bixby. (to Stan Lee, who claims he can change into the Hulk).
- (Reading) But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You are from different worlds! (sees neutron bomb) Oh, I've wasted my life...
- (when Bart bangs his head on the display counter when he can't find his soul) Do not bang your head on the display case please. It contains a very rare "Mary Worth" in which she advises a friend to commit suicide... Thank you...
- Comic Book Guy: (as the Collector in Treehouse of Horror X to Lucy Lawless as Xena in a case of abduction) Care for a Rollo, sweet Xena?
Lawless: All right, Collector, stick this in your tweezers-- I'm not Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic!
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, I'm not insane. I simply wish to take you back to my lair to be my bride.
Lawless: Oh dear God!
- Breath, short... left arm, numb... can't go on describing symptoms much longer ...
- Lisa: Can I sit next to you?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, you may sit next to me ... if you answer these questions three. Question the First ...
- (after Principal Skinner said that he doesn't know what kryptonite is) I do not know if I should laugh or cry because of your ignorance. I shall laugh. Haha.
- Professor Frink: I have invented the Sarcasm-detector!
Comic Book Guy: A Sarcasm-detector? Now that's a useful invention. (Sarcasm-detector explodes.)
- Ned Flanders: And who might you be?
Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone usually calls me "Comic Book Guy."
- I will now spend my last hours on Earth complaining about movies on the Internet.
- I've spent my whole life laboring over collecting comic books. And now, in the final minutes of my life, I shall say... LIFE WELL SPENT!
- Out of my way, please. I must be the first to rush home and voice my complaints on the Internet, about the new McBain film. The action was substandard, and the nudity was painstakingly fleeting. I barely got going!Bold text
From "Mayored To The Mob";
Comic Book Guy: "Tell Me, how do you feel about forty-five-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?" Comic Book Girl: "Comb the Sweet-Tarts out of your beard and you're on." Comic Book Guy: "Don't try to change me, baby."