Comic Book Guy

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Happiness adds and multiplies, as we divide it with others.
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Comic Book Guy is a character from The Simpsons.


  • We have a surprising abundunce of Lee Carvelo's putting challenge.
  • Worst. Episode. Ever.
  • Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness? [looks it up in a little book] Ah, yes: Gargauuuth!
  • (exiting Taco Mat with a wheelbarrow full of tacos) Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.
  • Ooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
  • Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
  • There is no emoticon for what I am feeling!
  • I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
  • I am interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my Token Ring Ethernet LAN configuration?
  • Once again, my underwear has become entangled in a cowcatcher.
  • Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point. Now make like my pants and split
  • (considering a "gag" disembodied hand) The gag I would give a D+. As for the workmanship on the hand...
    (Suddenly, the hand runs down CBG's back and gives him a wedgie) Ooh! That's not right!
    (Audience laughs) You mocking me? Oh, that is rich.
    (The hand wedgies him harder, tugging him right off the stage. He lands on a rack of wizard hats, two of which stick to his chest.)
    Stop your laughing! You're all banned!
    (Takes the hats off his chest) Banned, I tell you!
  • Dating service clerk: (to Ned Flanders, referring to contact ad videos) And if you're desperate, there's always the "one night only" bin.
    Comic Book Guy: The bin is spoken for.
    Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
    Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
  • Homer: How much could you give me for this original Joe DiMaggio trading card? It's kinda old.
    Comic Book Guy: I'm sorry, I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I'VE GOT! (empties the entire cash register on the counter and gives Homer the cash). Oh no! I have smudged it with nacho fingers! I must deftly lick it off! Deftly...
    Homer: Thank you! (mutters) Freak.
  • Bart: Stan Lee came back?
    Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm beginning to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.
  • Oh please, you couldn't even change into Bill Bixby. (to Stan Lee, who claims he can change into the Hulk).
  • (Reading) But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You are from different worlds! (sees neutron bomb) Oh, I've wasted my life...
  • (when Bart bangs his head on the display counter when he can't find his soul) Do not bang your head on the display case please. It contains a very rare "Mary Worth" in which she advises a friend to commit suicide... Thank you...
  • Comic Book Guy: (as the Collector in Treehouse of Horror X to Lucy Lawless as Xena in a case of abduction) Care for a Rollo, sweet Xena?
    Lawless: All right, Collector, stick this in your tweezers-- I'm not Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic!
    Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, I'm not insane. I simply wish to take you back to my lair to be my bride.
    Lawless: Oh dear God!
  • Breath, short... left arm, numb... can't go on describing symptoms much longer ...
  • Lisa: Can I sit next to you?
    Comic Book Guy: Yes, you may sit next to me ... if you answer these questions three. Question the First ...
  • (after Principal Skinner said that he doesn't know what kryptonite is) I do not know if I should laugh or cry because of your ignorance. I shall laugh. Haha.
  • Professor Frink: I have invented the Sarcasm-detector!
    Comic Book Guy: A Sarcasm-detector? Now that's a useful invention. (Sarcasm-detector explodes.)
  • Ned Flanders: And who might you be?
    Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone usually calls me "Comic Book Guy."
  • I will now spend my last hours on Earth complaining about movies on the Internet.
  • I've spent my whole life laboring over collecting comic books. And now, in the final minutes of my life, I shall say... LIFE WELL SPENT!
  • Out of my way, please. I must be the first to rush home and voice my complaints on the Internet, about the new McBain film. The action was substandard, and the nudity was painstakingly fleeting. I barely got going!Bold text

From "Mayored To The Mob";

Comic Book Guy: "Tell Me, how do you feel about forty-five-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?"
Comic Book Girl: "Comb the Sweet-Tarts out of your beard and you're on."
Comic Book Guy: "Don't try to change me, baby."

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