Conan O'Brien

From Quotes
We like to test things... no matter how good an idea sounds, test it first.
Henry Block
Jump to: navigation, search
When all else fails, there's always delusion.
I gotta hire someone to have a real fight on my behalf, so I can have manly stories.

Conan Christopher O'Brien (born 18 April 1963) is an Irish American comedian and known for being the host of the television talk show Late Night with Conan O'Brien.


Unsourced

Conan is well known for hating James Gadd.


  • {Leslie Feist, after being asked, 'How was Conan?' during a concert}: He was tall.
  • (while visiting Old Bethpage Village Restoration for an old fashioned baseball game)Some say a waste of time, others say an incredible waste of time
  • (upon spotting a plane flying overhead while visiting Old Bethpage Village Restoration for an old fashioned 1864 baseball game)What, ho! What is that demonry! Some sort of iron bird! Everyone flee!!
  • When Joan Rivers has her makeup confiscated by airport security, even the terrorists will have realized that they have made a huge mistake.
  • [In a skit] Time's up? More like "Mime's Cup"!
  • When all else fails, there's always delusion.
  • Once an old person finds a grape, all their bitterness about World War II goes away.
  • Well, I guess that we all learned a lesson today. That it's what's inside a person that counts. And that on the inside, midgets are thieving little bastards
  • It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there.
  • I would be suspicious of someone like me!
  • David Hasselhoff was reported stealing my jokes last week, he was playing the Pat card if you ask me!
  • The other day, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. It was an awkward moment when Bush asked him, "When's the next season of Sopranos coming out?"
  • You're involved with a special person, but you find yourself attracted to someone else. You can't have both right? Wrong! Do one in your limo and the other in your luxurious apartment downtown. It works for me!
  • ...never lend a coke-rat money.
  • Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. Yeah. So they decided to invite all the people who saw GIGLI.
  • Actually, they're sea lions; the difference is they have ear flaps... I wish I had ear flaps.
  • Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!
  • I gotta hire someone to have a real fight on my behalf, so I can have manly stories. All mine involve trips to the Botanical Gardens gone horribly awry... A daisy hit me!
  • Some audience members waiting in line to get into the building were smoking joints. Yeah, they said, "We want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not."
  • [On leopard print G-strings] That's what I wear. I enjoy them. I'm wearing one now.
  • My job is to be booed by the people of America; it's in my contract.
  • We got the latest on the presidential election. I know that's why you tuned in. Or you couldn't sleep. And all the other channels were blocked.
  • Don't applaud that! Applaud my idiocy.
  • "I'm sensitive in the eyeball". Does that line work with the ladies?
  • [After Uma Thurman tells him that she sometimes eats in the nude] I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's.
  • [After Rebecca Romijn says "It's like a dream come true. . .I have to pinch myself.]" If I were you I'd pinch myself a lot.
  • That was the meanest thing I've ever heard... And I'm the guy that said it.
  • The other day in Kentucky, a woman gave birth to a 14-pound baby boy. The baby is doing fine, but the mother is still screaming.
  • Scientists announced this week that a diet high in soy beans and high in soy sauce may reduce fertility in men. Which finally explains China's dreadfully low population.
  • [about renouncing Satan at his daughter's baptism] I wish I had sprouted devil wings and said, "I do not! I'll be baaaack!" and gone off to my mountain lair.
  • If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
  • In Cambodia, a woman tried to cut off her husband's penis and he ended up receiving 25 stitches. Not surprisingly, the man told his buddies he needed 50 stitches.
  • Today at a press conference, President Bush defended his domestic wiretapping program after a reporter called it a "circumvention of the law." The President said, "That's ridiculous, I had my circumvention when I was a baby."
  • A new study has found that three million Irish men can trace their ancestry back to just one man. In his defense, the man said that he'd been drinking.
  • Early this week, President Bush met with the Belgian Prime Minister and things grew tense when the Prime Minister called for the U.S. to leave Guantanomo Bay. President Bush was so angry he told the Belgian Prime Minister to shut his waffle hole.
  • I'm not comfortable with my own body. I shower with my clothes on.
  • Once a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey you're that guy from Late Night with Conan O'Brien!' I said, 'Yeah, I'm actor Chip Witley.'
  • George Michael, in a bit of trouble this week, yes - he is a bit of a rainbow rebel if you will.
  • In a speech earlier today, President Bush proclaimed that the United States is safer but not yet safe enough. President Bush said that he will not rest until American has acheived total "safe-osity."
  • Earlier today, Mexico's top court proclaimed Felipe Calderon as the new president-elect. Court officials contacted Calderon this morning at his home in Phoenix, Arizona.
  • This week, a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' gas and oil reserves by 50 percent. Finally, some good news for the oil companies.
  • The world's fattest man is being flown to Italy to undergo weight loss surgery. The 1200-lb. man will be flying first class, business class, and coach.
  • The state of Vermont is reporting an increase in its number of nudists. Which explains the popularity of Ben & Jerry's newest flavor, "Saggy Pecans."
  • J.K. Rowling has revealed that in the last Harry Potter novel, a major character will die. She won't mention which character it is, but she has revealed the title: Harry Potter and the Part Where Harry Potter Dies.
  • It was reported last week that Paris Hilton doesn't pay for her drinks when she goes out. Don't worry, she's still getting plenty of fluids.
  • My eye jelly just touched your eye jelly!
  • I find it funny how I'm referring to The Rock's bicep by pointing at my own. That's like comparing a battleship to a Volkswagen.
  • "I promise you this, I will not kill you myself. But I will have you killed. I will have you wiped out. There will be nothing that links me to your murder. There will be no physical link between your dead body and myself. But you will be murdered. I will order it. I will pay for it. But I am blameless in the eyes of the international court. I promise you, I'm gonna kill you."
  • Police are looking for a Taco Bell employee who stabbed two men. The two victims knew something was wrong when they felt a sharp stabbing pain... and they hadn't eaten yet.