Corner Gas

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Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.
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Corner Gas (2004-) is a Canadian situation comedy that airs on CTV and The Comedy Network.

Season 1

Ruby Reborn

Brent: Want me to fill it up?
Man: Sure. You know I've never driven across Saskatchewan before.
Brent: Well, you still haven't really. About halfway to go yet.
Man: Sure is flat.
Brent: How do you mean?
Man: You know, flat. Nothing to see.
Brent: What do you mean, like topographically? Hey Hank, this guy says Saskatchewan is flat.
Hank: How do you mean?
Brent: Topographically, I guess. He says there's nothin' to see.
Hank: There's lots to see. There's nothin' to block your view.
Brent: There's lots to see. Nothin' to block your view. Like the mountains back there. They're uh... Well, what the hell? I could've sworn there was a big mountain range back there. Juttin' up into the sky all purple and majestic. I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'. Hey, it is kinda flat, thanks for pointin' that out.
Man: You guys always this sarcastic?
Brent: Nothin' else to do.

Hank: Freaky abstract art on the walls, and she puts weird cloths on the table.
Brent: You mean tablecloths...
Hank: It's too much. She's turned the coffee house into a gay bar.

Lacey: I mean come on, a boycott? Look, I'm not clubbing baby seals and I'm not using Honduran children to make sneakers.
Hank: You could be clubbing baby seals with Hondurian children and I don't care about that!

Oscar: (to Emma)Your son is turning the gas station into a movie theatre!
Brent: Bear in mind that Dad has a tendency to overstate things.
Oscar: I have never overstated a single thing in the history of the planet!

Brent: Well, you're not in Toronto anymore, Lacey, with your grande-mocha-dappo-loppa-frappochinos! This is Dog River!

Tax Man

Brent: It's not just you. Dad once got mad at a butterfly. Called it a 'sonofabitch' and told it to get out of his garden.

Oscar: Oh, I see, all buddy-buddy with the tax man. My taxes pay for your suit, buddy boy!

Marvin Drey the Taxman: I can appreciate that you don't wanna help me. I get that a lot, sometimes I get outright hostility. Just because of my job.
Brent: Well, no offence but I mean I can't just turn over my father. There's a bond between father and son that's strong and sacred.
Oscar: Hey idiot! You left the lid on the dumpster up last night! Crows have scattered garbage all over the place out there. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it, it'll be you out there on your hands and knees scrapin' up crow crap!
Brent: I'll tell you whatever you need to know.

Oscar: My taxes pay your salary!
Brent: Geez, Dad, you gotta stop paying everyone's salary! You're only one man!

Oscar: Why'd you come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime.
Marvin Drey the Taxman: We did call.
Oscar: You did not!
[flashback, Oscar is on the phone]
Oscar: What are you calling me on the phone for? My taxes paid for this call! You got something to say, you come here and say it in person. Get in the car, you ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime!
[He slams the phone down.]
Emma: Who was that?
Oscar: I don't know, some jackass!

Marvin Drey the Taxman: I just need to speak to your father to verify a few things.
Brent: I don't think he's here. I think he went to Hawaii.
Marvin Drey the Taxman: Hawaii?
Brent: Not Hawaii. Somewhere cheaper than that. Red Deer.

Pilates Twist

Brent: No fear. You know where I read that?
Lacey: Where?
Brent: On the T-shirt of a kid working down at the co-op. He didn't let fear stand in his way. He stood there bravely bagging onions.

Hank: I don't even want to get into your pants.
Brent: And you're not going to with that kind of whining.

Lacey: If I start a Pilates class, will you join?
Brent: That depends.
Lacey: On what?
Brent: On what is Pilates?
Lacey: Oh okay. Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body...
Brent: You lost me.
Lacey: Oh, come on Brent. Don't you wanna unify your mind and body?
Brent: No, I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket!

Oh Baby!

Emma: A child's mind is their strength and their weakness.
Brent: You're like Yoda.
Emma: I don't know what that means.

(having a whispered conversation in the library)

Brent: Do you have any books about child psychology?
Alice: About what?
Brent: Child psychology.
Alice: Chives on top of me?
Brent: Yes, that's right, Alice. I want a book about chives on top of you.

Grad '68

Oscar: Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?
Emma: Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty. (holds up spoon)
Oscar: Really? (Oscar snatches the spoon and cleans it)

Davis: At least I'm not...
Karen: Blonde? Thin? Pretty?
Davis: I'm pretty...

Hank: I stand by my work... had I done it.

World’s Biggest Thing

Lacey: Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's Grandma in the eye and give her one good reason this town can't build a great big dirty hoe.

Oscar: I didn't know whether to tell you this or not, but someone in town has a crush on me.
Emma: A crush...on you? You couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy.
Oscar: What the hell are you talking about? Dogs lick me all the time.
Emma: So who's got a crush on you? Is Helen Keller back in town?

All My Ex's Live in Toronto

Emma: You're going to the doctor.
Oscar: Over my dead body!
Emma: That'd speed things up.

Brent: You're going to be around for a long time.
Oscar: How do you know?
Brent: Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment.

Karen: Do you know how fast you were going back there?
Stephen: Uh, ninety-seven?
Karen: Oh, that's a relief, radar gun's workin'.

Cousin Carl

Mrs. Jensen: When your father ran the place, the customer was always respected.
Oscar: Hey, jackass, stop talking to this old wingnut and come pump my gas!
Brent: Well, he's a people person.

Paul Kinistino: If anyone wants to give Oscar $1.20 to shut up about the bottle thing, he's in the corner.
Oscar: I'm a senior!

Cell Phone

Davis: Do you think my new cell phone is small?
Karen: I don't know.
Davis: Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose, he had it out and I just glanced at it.
Karen: Right.
Davis: But mine is small right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone mine is small, smaller than average.
Karen: I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works.

Brent: No, Dad, I didn't lose it. ...How could I be talkin' to you on it if I had lost it?

Comedy Night

Lacey: Karen, I'm glad you're here. Look, we need to talk about the book club.
Karen: I thought the first rule of book club was you don't talk about book club.
Lacey: That's fight club.
Karen: What do you know about fight club?

Lacey: Right now we're reading Life of Pi.
Hank: Oh, a detective novel.
Lacy: What?
Hank: You know, PI. Private investigator.

Brent: I love books. I'm a voluptuous reader.

Wanda: Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colours, red, green, flashing lights...
Brent: So, old Christmas decorations.
Wanda: Yeah!
Brent: Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.
Wanda: Okay.

Hook, Line and Sinker

Karen: Kiss me, fish man.

Brent: It would never rain in Dog River if I could squeegee the sky...

Brent: It's not childish. Hey, is poop face hyphenated?

Karen: I can't believe you're sending me in without back-up.
Davis: It's just a fishing trip, Karen.
Karen: But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish.
Davis: If it gets to you, you don't have to kill him, just throw him into the lake.
Karen: I wasn't worried about the fish.
Davis: I wasn't talking about the fish.

Face Off

Davis: Uh... I came to use your skate sharpener.
Oscar: Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.
Davis: I heard we almost lost Brent.
Oscar: What do you mean?
Davis: The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.
Oscar: They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?
Karen: That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?

Rocket Ronnie: Over-celebrating a bit for a tie, aren't we boys?
Hank: You're just upset because you didn't win! You poor tie-ers!
Brent: Yeah, sleep well tonight knowing you don't suck less than we do!

HOWLER: River dogs almost win!

Brent: They're frightened and confused by the weird newness.
Lacey: They're ranklin' at the weird newness.

Wanda: It's a premature! [meaning offside]

I Love Lacey

Davis: [after losing the Grey Cup tickets] Well, I'll have to go to a scalper.
Karen: Isn't it weird for you to go to a scalper?
Davis: Why? Because I'm a Cree man? I resent that!
Karen: Because you're a police officer and scalping tickets is illegal.
Davis: Oh yeah.

Hank: Hey Oscar, does your friend Russell like to lie on the kitchen floor with a phone in his hand?
Oscar: No.
Hank: Then either this guy ain't Russell, or your friend Russell's dead.
[Oscar runs over and sees Russell is dead.]
Oscar: Told ya he was here.

Season 2

The Brent Effect

Karen: I know you're my senior officer, so I say this with all due respect: How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly!
Davis: It wasn't willy-nilly. It was at crows.

Wedding Card

Brent: Or you could have just said 'We lost the photos'....Mind you that wouldn't have been as emotionally scarring.

Oscar: Daisy arch? You'll never get me under one of those death traps.

Smell of Freedom

[Fitzy and a woman accuse Brent of making fun of people.]
Brent: I'm a monster? A monster with a game?

Oscar: How'd you lose your sense of smell in the first place?
Davis: I got hit in the face with a ball.
Oscar: Then what you need to do is get hit with a ball again.
Davis: I don't think that'll work.
Oscar: Why not?
Davis: Because this isn't Gilligan's Island.


Oscar: This is not about revenge. This is about getting even.

Oscar: You're about to watch yourself lose a customer!
Man: I let you play here for free.
Oscar: Not any more you don't.

Lacey: Phobias are irrational, they don't have to make sense. Don't you guys have any?
Brent: Fears? Not really. I mean, just the standard stuff, you know. Pirates, vampires, sasquatch, intimacy, commitment.
Lacey: What about you?
Wanda: None come to mind. Being intimate with a sasquatch.

Hank: I'm like Wanda, I don't have any fears.
Brent: What about bees?
Hank: I don't have any bees either. [Pause] Oh, fear of bees, right, yeah.

Davis: Fear is natural. It's what makes us human. It's what separates us from the animals.
Wanda: That, and opposable thumbs. And pants.
Hank: Rollerblading.
Wanda: Any kind of bipedal locomotion.
Karen: We can make fire. Animals can't make fire.
Hank: Well, if you don't count dragons.
Wanda: Actually, there's a lot that separates us from animals.
Davis: You had me at pants.

Lost and Found

[Karen has lost her footbag.]
Karen: I'm looking for my footbag.
Oscar: It's called a sock, Einstein!

Karen: look at my footbag! I could do this forever!
Davis: I don't like that footbag. Lenny on Law & Order, he wouldn't hacky-sack.
Karen: ...All in the knee...
Davis: That other guy on Law & Order...he might hackey-sack...

Hank: The hunter has become the hunted! The fox has become... the fox... that has caught... itself?

Poor Brent

Wanda: I'm an enigma.
Brent: Does that pay well?

Hero Sandwich

Brent: This is the Dog River Howler after all, the info is sketchy at best. Remember last year when those coyotes were comin' into town, eatin' people's cats.
Dog River Howler: Cattle killed by Werewolfs!
Hank: Plus the plural werewolf is werewolves... with a "v".
Brent: Also a good point.

Mayor Fitzgerald: It's time that Dog River joined the 20th century.
Karen: Now we'll only be one century behind.

Security Cam

Brent: Wanda, can I show you something?
Wanda: I've already seen your belly doing the hula.

Brent: Now, no more dirty talk. Hand me that big tool so I can mount this.

Bingo Night

Emma: Why don't you call? You have such a beautiful voice.
Wanda: At Karaoke Night, you threw a shoe at me.
Emma: My feet were tired.

Mosquito Time

Emma: I need Oscar around the house. His weirdness keeps me sane.

Karen: Oscar, do you have any liquid dish soap?
Oscar: Lickey disco?

Hurry Hard

Lacey: [Attempting to say "Hurry Hard"] Have a heart! Have a heart!

Davis: Get her!
Karen: Yeah! Get her!
Lacey: Oh, have a heart!
Brent: That's "hurry hard".

An American in Saskatchewan

Hank: You can't just leave me here! It's like 10 miles to town!
Davis: It's your house, you'll live.
Hank: All I have to eat here are pickles and Pop Rocks!
Davis: You'll probably live.

[Davis holds up a piece of wood and shows Wes.]
Davis: I'll give you this if you get rid of the ATM.
Wes: You're bribing me with a piece of wood?
Davis: It's not just a piece of wood, I've got a whole pile of wood. It's yours.

Fitzy: My plan to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist came here accidentally.

Pandora’s Wine

Brent: Brunch is a powerful tool. I won't see it used for evil.

Brent: Revenge is a brunch best served with nice biscuits.

Oscar: You gotta stop living in the past.
Emma: Does that mean we can finally get a digital clock?
Oscar: Sure, if you want to blow 800 bucks.
Emma: Idiot.

Doc Small

Davis: A rooster sits on a roof pointing north, which side does it's eggs land on?
Hank: Uhh... It's a trick question! The roof is flat.
Davis: Nope. It's a slanted roof.
Hank: He he.... the egg is square!
[Karen and Davis look at each other stunned.]
Hank: No?

Karen: I got a riddle for you, Hank. Okay. A plane crashes on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do they bury the survivors?
Hank: Hmmm. Tough one. Right on the border, huh? Well, is there one larger chunk of the airplane on one side?
Karen: No. It's broken directly in half, distributed over the two sides.
Hank: Wow, that's really tough.
Karen: [Repeats herself] A plane crashes directly on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do they bury the survivors?
Hank: Ohhhhh! The survivors... one on each side.

Brent: ...the committee to convince a young doctor to live in Dog River or C.T.C.A.Y.D.T.L.I.D.R. or ctcaydtlidr.

Rock On!

Oscar: What's all the racket? I can hear you clear across town!
Brent: You can hear us two blocks away?

Air Show

Slow Pitch

Brent: That's right, Wes is nuts. This coming from a guy who once punched a skunk.
Oscar: He had it comin'.

Oscar: I rub my left elbow, bunt; I rub my right elbow, bursitis. Bunt, bursitis. Bursitis, bunt.

Hank: Aw, man... I can taste Wes eating those nachos now.

Harvest Dance

Brent: I can't eat your jelly salad this year, Mom. Lacey has me on some South Park Atkins Diet.

Season 3

Dress for Success

Brent: Hold my monkey.

Brent: [referring to fake money on money tree] "Well why can't you get it yourself, did some fictional hooligan steal your make believe ladder?

Oscar: You just bought ten thousand dollars worth of stock in twenty seconds; Congratulations, you are the stupidest man in the world!

Key to the Future

Hank: I had a dream about your mom.
Brent: ..You have five seconds to make my skin stop crawling.

Dog River Vice

Oscar: Canada has more Ukranians than one other country, can you guess which one?
Emma: The Ukraine?
Oscar: Yeah, the Ukraine!

Brent: Quitting coffee is hard; quittin' knittin' is easy...and fun to say. Quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin'...

Will and Brent

Wanda: Hey, Lacey! I need your boards; I'm up to my armpits in bulletins!
Brent: That's almost two feet of bulletins.

The Littlest Yarbo

Oscar: The dog hears voices!?

Mail Fraud

Hank: Is Aruba near Cuba?
Lacey: They don't arrange countries phonetically.
Hank: It would be cool if they did, though. Then Canada would be next to...Granada.
Lacey: It's Grenada.
Hank: Yeah right! And we live in Ca-Nay-Da. So did he tell you where he was going next?
Lacey: Yeah! Yeah, he just landed in Madrid, which is right next to, uh...Fadrid.
Hank: Oh! Lucky skunk.
Lacey: Hank, he's not lucky. He's delusional.

Wanda: Dear Brent, I know you're on vacation, but if you get the chance; maybe in between your pedicure and your mud bath, you can fix the debit machine like you said you would. All the best, Wanda.
Brent: Dear Wanda: you can do it. Sincerely, Brent.
Wanda: Dear Brent, I don't have the passcodes to fix the machine, now do I? P.S.: Your shirt's ugly.

Hank: Where's Incommanicado?
Wanda: You're familiar with the island of Ignoramus?

Fun Run

Trees a Crowd

Hank: To defeat a child, you gotta think like a child!
Brent: You are uniquely qualified.
Brent:(running from kids) I've had it with your stupid plans, Now it's time for my stupid plans.

Picture Perfect

Hank: With your knowledge of city stuff, and my knowledge of non-city stuff, we know all stuff!
Lacey: We know all stuff. Wow, that does sound tempting, but I'm not really drawn to a night of drinking beer and watching TV.

Safety First

Hair Loss

Merry Gasmas

Ruby Newsday

Lacey: Hank was right, my newspaper was late this morning.
Brent: Yeah, well, you can thank my dad. He's your eager 12-year-old.
Lacey: Really? Ha! That is so sweet. Sweet and a little bit sad. Mostly sad.
Brent: Yeah, we're all very proud.

Lacey: Why should I pay you? These tips are for my service.
Man: Can I get a coffee?
Lacey: In a sec!
Wanda: Come on! Betty or Veronica? Anyone can think of that.
Lacey: This is what I'm saying.
Hank: Yeah? Well, I don't need this! I quit!
Lacey: You're quitting a job you never had.
Hank: It's finally sinking in, isn't it? No more questions from me.
Lacey: [to Wanda] Thank you for sticking up for me.
Wanda: I got your back, sister! [they high-five]

Friend of a Friend

Wanda: I'm full of wit.
Lacey: Rhymes with wit.

Block Party

Hank: All great artists overcome adversity.
Brent: Actually most of 'em go nuts, lop off an ear or two.
Hank: Lop off my ear!? Some help you've been!

Physical Credit

Davis: Award of Excellence? They don't have that in the Olympics.
Oscar: Oh believe me, I tried.

Telescope Trouble

Bean There

Road Worthy

Season 4

Hair Comes the Judge

[Davis is bugging Oscar about the hole in his muffler.]
Oscar: A porcupine died for that hole, buddy boy!
Davis: Don't make this about the porcupine!

Davis: When have you ever cut my hair?
Karen: You take a lot of naps.

Lacey: Seriously, Wanda. I need your complete, impartial opinion.
Wanda: Alright. I'll be completely impartial. I'll listen to you and Dinklenuts (referring to Hank)
Hank: Hey!

Dog River Dave

Oscar: Ungrateful ungrates!
Hank: Ingrates. I think that's ingrates.
Oscar: Ingrateful ingrates!

Two Degrees of Separation

Just Brent and his Shadow


Jail House

Karen: Prison. You know, the jughouse?

I, Witness

Wanda: What's four times five?
Brent and Karen: 19.
Oscar: 21.
Brent and Karen: 19.
Oscar: 21.
Brent and Karen: 19.
Fitzy: What's going on?
Wanda: I asked them what four times five is.
Fitzy: Isn't that 20?
Man: Yeah, Fitzy's right.
Oscar: 21.
Brent and Karen: 19.
Man and Fitzy: 20.

Karen: I need an excuse of some sort.
Wanda: But I did all this work!
Karen: That's the excuse... you did all the work!

Blog River

Karen: Hey, Davis. I figured you'd be in tax prison by now.

Wanda: Tax time beats the crap out of Christmas.

Lacey: Why do people who like to do things make people who don't like to do things do things?

Hank: Hello, question mark. Is there anybody out there, question mark. Nobody's reading this blog are they... question mark.

Emma: this will be fun! Food, people, the smell of the grill.
Lacey: That's my job. I do this all day.
Emma: But this is outside!
Lacey (sarcastically): Oh great. My job plus bugs.

Outside Joke

One Piano, Four Hands

Wanda: I think I've got Hot Cross Buns Down, let's try Three Blind Mice.
Emma: They're the same tune.
Wanda: ...You just blew my mind.
Emma: Glad to have helped.

Oscar: Who's punching your horses now?

Wanda (to Hank): If you are not injured from this accident, you will be when I'm done with you!
Hank: I think I broke my wrist.
Wanda: Damn!
Hank: I know!

Kids Stuff

Mother's Day

Census Sensibility

Hank: You don't know how it goes down! You don't even know when it goes down! It just went down and you didn't even know!

Brent: I so don't believe you. My disbelief is like an iron fortress of disbelief... patrolled by Superman... and he doesn't believe you either.

The Good Old Table Hockey Game

Hank: You beat Brent! You're Queen of the Knobs!
Karen: Please don't call me that.

Lacey Borrows

Davis: How come you never let me use the siren?

Potato Bowl

Oscar: Something's different about these mashed potatoes.
Emma: That's because it's RICE.
Oscar: Needs sour cream.

Wanda: (talking about the bowl to Emma) I paid fifty bucks for it on Ebay!
Emma: Fifty bucks, is that all?
Mayor Fitzy: Yeah, I mean for an enchanted bowl that a bargain!

Seeing Things

Happy Campers

Fitzy: Your meatloaf's good, but I wanted a cheeseburger. Actually, I heard there was sashimi but it's not on the menu.
Karen: I can do sashimi.

Lacey: Can I get you anything else?
Fitzy: Do you have sashimi?
Lacey: Eat your meatloaf.

Gopher It

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