Craig Ferguson

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The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss.
Thomas Carlyle
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Craig Ferguson (born 17 May 1962) is a Scottish-born actor/comedian and current host of The Late Late Show.

Late Late Show

These need specific dates
  • In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.
  • [Repeated phrase, in variations.] Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.
  • [Repeated phrase.] I can't live by your rules, man!
  • I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
  • [imitating Brad Pitt] "Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [pause, audience laughing.] "With my hand!"
  • [still talking about Brad Pitt] "He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him"
  • As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! ...if these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!
  • You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.
  • Get well soon, Castro... [pause] Actually, no, don't - die you bastard!
  • I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me.
  • He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
  • That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
  • I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
  • [Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
  • Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'till the infomercials start.
  • I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.
  • Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
  • Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
  • [to Ron Weasley] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.
  • [to Clive Barker pretending to be Tom Cruise] Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to his cardboard backdrop of the city] right there.
  • [Off-topic discussion about Clive Barker's pants]
    Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin.
    Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse.
  • Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy?
    Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week.
    Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert.
    Hugh Laurie: Therapy?
    Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week.
  • I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
  • I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

"Welcome Back" variations

  • Welcome back my cheeky wee monkeys.
  • Welcome back, my filthy pigeons.
  • Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack.]
  • Welcome back my naughty donkeys.
  • Welcome back, my naughty penguins.

External links

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