The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss.Thomas Carlyle
Late Late Show
- These need specific dates
- In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.
- [Repeated phrase, in variations.] Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.
- [Repeated phrase.] I can't live by your rules, man!
- I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
- [imitating Brad Pitt] "Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [pause, audience laughing.] "With my hand!"
- [still talking about Brad Pitt] "He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him"
- As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! ...if these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!
- You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.
- Get well soon, Castro... [pause] Actually, no, don't - die you bastard!
- I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me.
- He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
- That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
- I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
- [Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
- Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'till the infomercials start.
- I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.
- Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
- Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
- [to Ron Weasley] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.
- [to Clive Barker pretending to be Tom Cruise] Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to his cardboard backdrop of the city] right there.
- [Off-topic discussion about Clive Barker's pants]
Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin.
Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse.
- Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy?
Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week.
Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert.
Hugh Laurie: Therapy?
Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week.
- I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
- I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
"Welcome Back" variations
- Welcome back my cheeky wee monkeys.
- Welcome back, my filthy pigeons.
- Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack.]
- Welcome back my naughty donkeys.
- Welcome back, my naughty penguins.