Crimes and Misdemeanors

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Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.
Don Marquis
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Crimes and Misdemeanors is a film written and directed by Woody Allen.

Judah Rosenthal

  • In reality, we rationalize, we deny, or we couldn't go on living.
  • God is a luxury I can't afford.
  • One sin leads to a deeper sin.
  • What were God's eyes like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was just a coincidence that I made my specialty ophthalmology.
  • Right, I won't!

Clifford Stern

  • When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he really wants is to exchange fluids.
  • Where I grew up in Brooklyn, everybody was too unhappy to commit suicide.
  • What's the guy so upset about? You'd think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before.
  • The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
  • A strange man defecated on my sister.
  • Hi, it's Clifford. Wasn't Lester just so..ridiculous. ..What? Well what's he doing there? That could be dangerous. Do you want me to come over?
  • I remember the exact date, because it was Hitler's birthday.

Professor Louis Levy

  • We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.
  • I've gone out the window.


  • If it bends it's funny. If it breaks, it's not funny.
  • Idea for a farce. A poor...loser does a documentary of a great man and learns valuable insights.
  • I'll be honest. You're not my first choice.
  • Comedy equals tragedy plus time.


  • I'm not after your god-damned money! I want to speak to Miriam!!

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