Dad's Army

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Dad's Army (1968-1977), British sitcom about the Home Guard in World War II by Jimmy Perry and David Croft.

The Walmington-On-Sea platoon of the Home Guard is commanded by pompous bank manager Captain Mainwaring (Arthur Lowe). He's assisted by his chief clerk, Sergeant Wilson (John Le Mesurier).

Lance Corporal Jones (Clive Dunn) is an old soldier, renowned for his frequent cries of "Don't Panic!" and "They don't like it up 'em!".

Private Frazer (John Laurie) is a miserable old Scotsman whose favourite saying is "We're doomed!".

Private Godfrey (Arnold Ridley) spends much of his time asking if he can "be excused".

Private Pike (Ian Lavender) is a bit of a "mummy's boy". His mother (Janet Davies) is Sergeant Wilson's long-time girlfriend.

Private Walker (James Beck) is a "spiv" - there are few things that he can't get his hands on, provided the price is right.

This motley band of men provide Walmington-on-Sea's last line of defence against the Nazi hordes.


When Sergeant Wilson spots a mistake on Mainwaring's part

Captain Mainwaring: Just testing you, Wilson.

When Sgt. Wilson spots a mistake on Mainwaring's part

Mainwaring: Took you a while to spot that one, didn't it Wilson?

When Mainwaring has an idea

Sergeant Wilson: Do you really think that's wise, sir?

When Private Pike creates a problem or makes a silly suggestion

Mainwaring: You stupid boy.

When Jones addresses Mainwaring

Jones: Permission to speak, sir
Jones: Permission to whisper, sir
Jones: Permission to wake you up, sir
Jones: Permission to worry you sir.

When a crisis occurs

Jones: Don't Panic! Don't Panic!

When a crisis occurs

Frazer: We're doomed!

After Frazer has been proved wrong

Frazer: I never doubted you for a minute.

Private Pike whining at a situation

Private Pike: I'll tell Mum.
Mrs Pike: Will you be around later Arthur (Sgt. Wilson) for your usual?

Theme song

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr. Hitler? - Lyrics by Jimmy Perry, music by Derek Taverner, performed by Bud Flanagan.

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler?
If you think we’re on the run...
We are the boys who will stop your little game,
We are the boys who will make you think again.
Cos, who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler?
If you think old England’s done.
Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,
But he comes home each evening and he’s ready with his gun.
So, who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler?
If you think old England’s done.

There is a further verse to the song, which was edited from the broadcast version of the theme tune. It follows the line which ends "he's ready with his gun" :

So watch out Mr. Hitler
You have met your match in us.
If you think you can crush us
We're afraid you've missed the bus.

Memorable Quotes

Jones: There's a war on, Dad.
Jones' Dad: Oh, I wondered what the noise was.

From the episode "The Deadly Attachment":

German U-boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.
Captain Mainwaring: You can write what you like, You're not going to win the war!
U-boat Captain: Oh yes we are.
Mainwaring: Oh no you're not.
U-boat Captain: Oh yes we are!
Pvt. Pike: [Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!
U-boat Captain: Your name will also go on the list! What is it?
Mainwaring: Don't tell him Pike!
U-boat Captain: Pike!

Later on, after the tables have turned courtesy of a foolish mistake by Hodges, the platoon are ordered to accompany the German crew on their boat, to protect them from the Navy (who will not blow up their boat if there are British men aboard):

U-boat Captain: When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!

Also in this episode:

U-boat Captain: Just to make sure Captain that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts 'primed' grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you - and I pull the string!
Jones: Ohhhh.... don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!
U-boat Captain: Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.
Frazer: A terrible way to die!
Mainwaring (to the U-boat captain): You unspeakable swine!!

Mainwaring: Oh you'd stick up for him wouldn't you? You both went to public school didn't you?
Wilson: You know sir, I can't help feeling that you've got a bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.
Mainwaring: There's no chip on my shoulder. I'll tell you what there is though, three pips and don't you forget it.

German airman dangling from clocktower: Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte!
Jones: It's no good trying to apologize.
German: Schnell! Schnell!
Jones: Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.

Polish Officer: You're supposed to keep a look out like soldiers, not talk like old women. What are you names?
Jones: Jones, sir.
Pike: Pike, sir.
Walker: Smith.
Jones: Walker.
Walker: Oh, thanks very much.
Polish Officer: It's no good you try and give me falseys

Having cleaned and returned a Lewis gun

Frazer: Thank goodness I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.
Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.
Frazer: If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.
Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.
Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.
Mainwaring: Your workshop?
Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.
Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.
Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

Watching Hodges' opening bowler, Fred Trueman, walking to his mark

Mainwaring: Where is he going?
Hodges: It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started.
Mainwaring: What?
Hodges: I'm gonna enjoy this.

The Bowler runs in and Mainwaring is beaten for pace and knocked off his feet

Hodges: (Laughing) Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?
Mainwaring: He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.

Mainwaring: No liquor is to be taken without my permission.
Frazer: Hold on! That is undemocratic!
Mainwaring: You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits.
Frazer: I'm right behind you, Cap'n!

The platoon has gone into a pub dressed as Nazis, without Mainwaring's permission.

Jones:We shouldn't be doing this, Mr. Wilson
Wilson: Well, what are you going to have?

Having cleaned and returned a Lewis gun
A pint.

Reverend Farthing has just joined the platoon, and Mainwaring is not happy about it.

Reverend Farthing: Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't.
Mainwaring: But you're not married.
Reverend Farthing: I have a very vivid imagination.
Jones (trying to find someone to open the door of a prisoner of war camp- Radio version: Is anybody there?, Is anybody there?, If you are not there..... Say so.

From the episode "The Bullet Is Not For Firing"

Reverend Farthing: Mr Mainwaring, if you can do your blood-curdling bayonet practice in the middle of my responses, I can do my jubilate in the middle of your inquiry!

Jones: I was just going to give the order.....just going to give the order.....just going to give..
Mainwaring: What's the matter Corporal?
Jones: I think I'm going Sir - I hear angel's voices!
Mainwaring: Those are not angels voices, it's the choir in the office!!
Jones: Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

Jones: Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.
Mainwaring: No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!

(The platoon have instinctively followed the order and pulled the triggers on their guns, which were loaded, unknown to them. Pieces of debris rain down from the roof as the Vicar and Mr Yeatman come rushing in)

Mr Yeatman: VANDALS!
Mainwaring: Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

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