Dane Cook

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True love means two seeds grow separately until they join in Matrimony forever.
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Dane Cook

Dane Jeffrey Cook (born 1972-03-18 in Cambridge, Massachusetts) is an American observational stand-up comedian with dark humor, comedic violence, and excitable, high-energy stage presence.


Harmful If Swallowed (2003)

  • I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In Florida these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 11 times 'cause they said he was holding a grenade.THE GUY WAS EATING A PEAR!! How do you SCREW that up? Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH!" *throws pear* "THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"
    • Track 7, " Fireman & Policeman & Miniature Golf Course Security Guard "
  • Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"
    • Track 16, "Pranks"
  • I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
    • Track 20, "Nightmare"

Tourgasm (2006)

  • When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... (sigh) "I wasn't invited to this party." But then, once you're IN love, that's like being inside that party, going "Where's my jacket? I wanna get outta here. where's my jacket? I been to this party six years and I wanna see other parties! Where's my jacket. Someone shit on the coats. I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."
  • Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass *smack* I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* IM FROM THE FUTURE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
  • I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!
  • You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."
  • I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

Vicious Circle (HBO, 2006)

  • We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
  • By the way, I say God bless you when someone sneezes.. I never say bless you. Do you want to know why? Because I'm not the Lord! I can't do that.. I'm just a messenger for the big guns up stairs. And i never say gesundheit, who even says that? GESUNDHEIT! i felt like I'm honoring Hitler or something, Like I'll end up on the History Channel because someone sneezed.
  • Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
  • Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
  • Now let's fight for three days because I'm bored!

Rough Around the Edges (2007)

  • The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."

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