From Quotes
When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.
Albert Camus
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Daria, (1997-2002), is an animated American television series that aired on MTV. The show chronicles the life of Daria Morgendorffer, the witty and cynical protagonist that acts as the commentator and critic, with her best friend Jane Lane, of their upper-middle class surburban town of Lawndale.


Season One

"Sealed With A Kick"

This is the first unaired short of Daria, which mainly intended to show MTV executives the look and feel of the show. After Daria forgets to give Kevin back the pencil she borrowed from him, the not-so-sharp QB becomes convinced of her romantic feelings toward him.
Kevin: Let's not play games, Daria. You desire me, don't you?
Daria: Uh, excuse me?
Kevin: I can tell. It's like a fifth sense I got.

Daria: I just got blown off by a guy I didn't even go after.
Jane: You should find a safe, legal alternative to killing him.
Daria: I already have. When I get through with him, there'll be nothing left but jelly.
Jane: Well, you won't have to do anything to his brain.

Helen: Do you want to talk to us about anything, honey?
(doorbell rings)
Daria: I was just about to open up, too. (leaves)
Helen: You think she meant it?

"Esteemsters" [1.01]

It's the first day at a new school for Daria and her sister Quinn. While Quinn is immediately accepted by the popular crowd, Daria is targeted for having low self-esteem after she smart-mouths her way through a school mandated psychological exam.
Helen: Daria, your father's trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them. You're in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. You don't want it to be Highland all over again.
Daria: Not much chance of that happening... unless there's uranium in the drinking water here, too.

Ms. Li: As you can see, our Lawndale high students take great pride in their school. That's why you'll each be taking a small psychological exam to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High.
Daria: S.O.S., girl overboard.
Quinn: Nobody told me about any test!
Daria: (sarcastically) Don't worry. It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt.
Quinn: Oh. All right.

Mrs. Manson: Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
Daria: It's Daria.
Mrs. Manson: I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?
Daria: Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
Daria: Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
Mrs. Manson: That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.
Daria: Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Mr. DeMartino: Daria, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the doctrine of Mainfest Destiny?
Daria: Manifest Destiny was a slogan popular in the 1840s. It was used by people who claimed it was God's will for the U.S. to expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean. (pause) These people did not include many Mexicans.

Mr. DeMartino: Son, promise me you'll come back and see me some day, when you've got the Heisman Trophy and a chain of auto-dealerships and I'M saving up for a second pair of pants! Will you promise me that, Kevin?
Kevin: (no trace of irony) Sure!

Jake: What about you, Daria? How was your first day?
Daria: Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers, but there are some interesting idiots in my class.
Jake: That's great!

Helen: We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful, and you just don't get it. What's wrong with you?!
Daria: Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.
Jake: I'll say!
Daria: I have low esteem for everyone else.

Jane: I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.

Mr. O'Neill: What's a daydream that you'd like to see come true?
Daria: Well... I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together.
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent!
Daria: Something that'll really make them suffer.

Ms. Li: Now, Mr. O'Neill has exciting news about our after-school self-esteem class.
Daria: (dryly) This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.
Jane: Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing pink taffeta.

Jane: I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. (glances at Daria, smirks, then launches into her act) On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something... (audience starts tittering) I... uh... I want to go home! (sobs and runs off stage)

Quinn: Ooh! I'll have to lock myself in my room until I die, I'll never talk to anyone for the rest of my life! (phone rings) That's for me!

"The Invitation" [1.02]

After helping out Brittany with an art class assignment, Daria is invited an upcoming party.
Kevin: Yo, Mack Daddy. You coming to Brittany's party?
Mack: Don't call me that, okay? What's this party for, anyway?
Kevin: Um...
Mack: Stop if it starts to hurt.

Brittany: I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.

Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.
Trent: No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight.
Jane: Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?
Trent: As long as you don't drop it.

Trent: Don't do anything I wouldn't.

Tori Jericho: Now she's really popular, but not as popular as she is. He's medium popular, and he just bought a great car so soon he'll be getting more popular. That guy was just popular enough to be invited, but now he needs to hook up with a girl who's more popular than he is.

Jane: Chin up, nose up, let's go.

Upchuck: Chuck Ruttheimer here. And you are...?
Jane: Jane.
Daria: Esmerelda.
Upchuck: I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you ladies like a tour of the house? It's... free.
Daria: Do you accept tips?
Upchuck: Of course.
Daria: Ditch the bangs.
Upchuck: Feisty...

Jane: Those guys are looking at us...
Daria: Don't they know we're from two different worlds: 'regular' and 'popular'?

Party Guy 1: Hey. Partying hard, or hardly partying?
Daria: Hardly interested.
Party Guy 2: So... where you girls been all our lives?
Daria: Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room and we thought we would die here, alone. But now you've arrived and our lives can truly begin.
Party Guy 2: (nudging his friend) She likes you!

Quinn: Aren't you a little out of place here? And everywhere else on Earth?

Daria: (as everyone starts dancing around her) It's the soul train. Beep beep. Get on board.

Jane: Ready to go?
Daria: I was ready to go before we got here.

Jane: So, have fun?
Daria: Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night.

Quinn: (cheerfully) Stop it, stop fighting. This is horrible. (to Jodie) They're fighting over me.

Upchuck: To your left, the home of the town director of public works, built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, the future!

"College Bored" [1.03]

During a visit to Jake and Helen's alma mater, each of the Morgendorffers wander off to experience the realities of college.
Quinn: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
Daria: What about unpopular animals?
Quinn: Unpopular animals don't count.
Daria: What about the stupid ones?

Daria: How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?

Helen: College men. Animals! (beat) Quinn!

Jane: Thrown out of college without enrolling first, I am damn proud of you!

Jane: What happened to all your paper-writing money?
Daria: My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.
Jane: So, she's giving up being a lawyer?
Daria: I asked her that. And I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms.

Kevin: Pst. Daria, what did you get for number one?
Daria: The thing about who I really am?
Kevin: Yeah.
Daria: Try "cross-dresser."
Kevin: Thanks man, I owe you one.

Daria: Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
College Girl: Mm. What about something he said when we broke up?
Daria: No.

"Caffe Disaffecto" [1.04]

Mr. O'Neill decides to start a coffee house for Lawndale's youth to interact when the local cybercafé is vandalized. Daria is forced to do a reading there on its opening night when threatened with a summer of music camp.
Kevin: Daria, you're a chick, right?
Daria: Why? You have a biology test today?

Daria: Can I go with my friend Jane?
Mr. O'Neill: Sure! She wants to help out?
Daria: Umm Hmm. She's a big joiner.

Jane: No way baby.
Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
Daria: Well then do it for sisterhood or something.
Jane: Are you nuts?
Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed up tastes they have.
Jane: I'm bringing a Polaroid.

Jane: Do you know CPR?
Daria: I once gave the Heimlich Maneuver to Quinn.
Jane: Did it work?
Daria: She wasn't choking.

Jane: Five dollars apiece, we would have made over 100 bucks.
Daria: Yeah, and all we had to do was take a human life.
Jane: You always see the downside, don't you?

Daria: She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would have killed her.
Jane: She passed out while we were standing there.
Mrs Li: Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate?
Daria: No.
Mrs Li: How do you know it wasn't for her family?
Jane: She has no family. She ate them.

Ms. Li: You have no overall problem with raising money for the coffeehouse?
Daria: I believe in coffee. Coffee for everyone. But I don't want to sell any more chocolate bars. It makes me feel dirty.
Jane: The bad kind of dirty.

"Malled" [1.05]

Daria is forced to go the region's Mecca of consumerism, the Mall of the Millennium, for her Economics class, only to find Quinn already there against their parents' wishes.
Quinn: It's not a mall, it's the super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. Shop there forever!
Daria: If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says: Imagine all the people.... browsing in a mall. Isn't that weird?

Brittany: This is great! Kevin and I love going to the mall during school. I mean, between classes. I mean- what do I mean, babe?
Kevin: What's the difference babe? You look hot.

Upchuck: Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card? Very advantageous when it belongs to your father! Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his secretary. Hee hee hee hee.... But I need a couple of models. The two of you are about her size. What do you say, girls?
Jane: Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards?

Jane: I didn't know you got car sick.
Daria: I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-
Jane: Teen spirit?
Daria: Cheap perfume.
Jane: Brittany must be working up a sweat.

Brittany: Where are we going? The mall! What are we spending? Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Go class!

Daria: You don't get it, there's a principle involved.
Jodie: No there isn't.

Sandi: That's so great, Quinn. That is such a great idea. You guys should impeach me and make Quinn president!
Quinn: Oh Sandi, I would never have had that idea if it weren't for you. You said, "The Fashion Club should do more for the community." You're a great leader.
Sandi: That's cuz you guys are such great leadettes.

(Daria throws up messily)
Jane: Bienvenidos de la Mall of the Millenium.

Daria: (Jane hands her a gift certificate) "The Doodad Shop". Oh good. I've always wanted my own doodad.

Store Manager: You're our winner!
Daria: Winner?
Jane: You know -- it's another word for loser.

"This Year's Model" [1.06]

Lawndale High is in an uproar when two talent scouts for the Amazon Modeling Agency, Claude and Romonica, visit the school to recruit potential models from the student body.
Jane: I've said it before, I'll say it again. You have the coolest room.
Daria: It's got pros and cons. You can't hurt yourself in here. But you can't hurt anybody else either.
Jane: I wish there had been a schizophrenic shut-in living in our house before we moved in. Of course, we've got Trent there now, that's almost the same thing.

Claude: Oh! Look at you, so waiflike, so pouty! Could you remove your glasses?
Daria: Could you remove your halter-top?
Claude: Pardon?
Daria: I can't take my glasses off. I need them to see scam artists.

Jodie: It's completely voluntary - what's the problem?
Daria: No problem. But why stop at modeling? Maybe there's a go-go bar downtown that would like to come here to recruit lap dancers.
Jodie: Don't mention that idea to Brittany.

Claude: Now, girls, you're little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to look sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it's kitty heaven.
Jane: Kitty heaven?
Daria: How does he know they're not going to kitty hell?

Trent: Hey Janey.
Jane: Yo! Trent, what are you doing here?
Trent: Oh, you know. Whatever.
Jane: Mom and Dad know you left the house voluntarily?

Mr. O'Neill: Is Mr. Thoreau really turning his back on the world by moving to Walden Pond, or is he, by his example, trying desperately to save the world after all? (looks at Brittany) Normandy?
Brittany (Mad look on face) Brittany. He wasn't on Walden Pond because he hated the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know, he was her father in real life, too.

Daria: Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?
Ms. Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
Jane: And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
Ms. Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
Ms. Li: That is really none of your business!
Daria: But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential. [Daria innocently grins]

Ms. Li: The school is receiving a fee for its cooperation, but every cent is going to capital improvements! We're finally going to get those bulletproof skylights for the swimming pool.
Jane: Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the [Faux accent] "modeling spirit."
Ms. Li: Excellent!
Jane May I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast.

Quinn: You gotta let me do this! You always say that I can be anything I want to be.
Helen: Yes, we do say that.
Daria: That reminds me, may I become queen of Brazil?

Romonica: All right, ladies. Now, when you stride down the runway, you're walking towards your car. You've spotted a headless corpse in it... and it's a brand new car!
Daria: And a smelly old corpse.
Jane: In a really bad outfit.

"The Lab Brat" [1.07]

Daria and Kevin are partnered up for a science project, against the will of Brittany (and Daria, for that matter) who suspects that Daria maybe trying to lure Kevin away from her.
Ms. Barch: If only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! (slams pointer on desk) Just- like- that!
Daria: I wonder why he left.

Ms. Barch: Now, before I divide the class into teams of two, who can give me another example of reinforcement? (no reply) Fine, class. Ignore me.... just like he did! Kevin?
Kevin: Uh-
Ms. Barch: Shut up, Kevin!

Brittany: (to Kevin) But babe, we've never been separated on a lab project before. What will we do?
Daria: Pass?

Brittany: Wait, how did you get this? You pervert!
Upchuck: Silly me! I was taking pictures and forgot I had the telephoto lens on.

Kevin: Is this the mouse we're supposed to be training?
Daria: You don't recognize him after all your hours together?

Brittany: All right, I'm going. But I'm warning you, miss smarty-ness: I know how to fight for my man!
Kevin: (angry) What "man"?!

Brittany: Ooh! Can you believe Daria's trying to take Kevin away from me?
Jody: I can't believe anyone would try to take Kevin away from you.
Brittany: Thanks! You're a friend!

Daria: Brittany, a deal. The mouse for Kevin.
Brittany: Deal.
Daria & Brittany: (thinking) Sucker.
Brittany: Let's go, Kevin.
Kevin: Daria, I can still come over and watch the Pigskin Channel, right?
Daria & Brittany: (thinking) Jerk.

Ms. Barch: Excellent job, Daria. You get an "A."
Kevin: All right!
Ms. Barch: Not you, you man! You get a "D."
Kevin: (pause) All right!

Kevin: Hey, Daria?
Daria: Yes?
Kevin: I'm having a big party Friday, and I want a lot of cool people there. Could you....
Daria: Yes?
Kevin: Ask Quinn if she could make it?

"Pinch Sitter" [1.08]

After studying about cults in school, Daria gets an hands-on encounter when she babysits Tad and Tricia Gupty, a couple of sickeningly sweet children she decideds to de-brainwash.
Mr. DeMartino: While we continue our discussion of CULTS, can anyone give me another example of a group using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and SOCIAL ISOLATION to achieve control over its members? Brittany?
Brittany: Cheerleading?
Mr. DeMartino: Ah Brittany, sometimes despite a complete lack of INSIGHT, you stumble upon an interesting answer.
Brittany: Wow, and I didn't even read the chapter.

Quinn: People are so weird!
Daria: Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.

Helen: I can't have another fiasco like last Saturday night. Think of how it must have felt when those three boys all showed up at the same time!
Quinn: It felt great!

Deena: Great, and what are your priorities Quinn?
Quinn: 1. Dating, 2. Shopping, 3. Bouncy hair, 4. School.

Tricia: Sugar is bad.
Tad: Sugar rots your teeth.
Tricia: Sugar makes you hyper.
Tad: Hitler ate sugar.

Daria: Do you always do exactly what adults tell you?
Tad: Yes!
Daria: Do you always believe everything they say?
Tricia: Yup!
Daria: But what if two adults say exactly opposite things?
Tad: (starts to cry)
Daria: (Tricia pulls her hair) Ouch!
Tricia: You're mean!

Daria:(answers the door with her hair in pigtails) Thank god you're here.
Jane: All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey Trent, come look at this! [Daria pulls Jane into house]]

Daria: Where did you learn to babysit?
Jane: I used to help with my sister Summer's kids, until they got old enough to run away.

Daria: Just don't tell your parents we let you stay up late.
Tad: Do we look stupid or something?

Daria: So Cinderella skipped the ball and asked her fairy Godmother to make her the first woman president. Realizing that the monarchy was becoming obsolete, the prince opened a video store.

Tad: But too much TV is bad for you.
Tricia It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.
Daria Well, that'll make three of us.

"Too Cute" [1.09]

Quinn becomes obsessed with getting plastic surgery after a Fashion Club hopeful shows up to school with a new nose.

Sandi: So then I said, sure it's a nice car. Do you have enough gas to get back to Loserville?

Helen: I mean, when a woman is elected president, it won't be because she got breast implants.
Daria: At least her people will deny it.

Quinn: What's rhinoplasty?
Daria: Exactly what it sounds like.
Quinn: Well, they could use it, I guess.

Dr. Shar: Quinn, honey, I like your attitude. You're open to life's possibilities.
Quinn: I try to be.
Dr. Shar: But you, Daria, I hate to see such a young lady like yourself give up at such an early age.
Daria: I don't consider rejecting the Dr. Frankenstein approach "giving up."
Dr. Shar: It puts a frown on my face, and I don't like having a frown on my face!
Daria: Maybe you can inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile.
Dr. Shar: This is for you, Daria. [Hands Daria a box] Open it when you've got some free time. Then I want you to examine it, get comfortable with it, and think about it. Change your attitude, hun! Change your life.
Daria: It's not leftover nose pieces, is it?
Dr. Shar: Humor may lift your spirits, Daria, but it takes a professional to lift your buttocks. [Laughs and slaps Daria on the back] Doctor's joke! Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.

Quinn: I'm a mess, and it's gonna cost six-thousand dollars to fix!
Daria: You're not really gonna take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.
Quinn: You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.
Daria: [Opens box Dr. Shar previously handed to her] Oh yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations: For evaluational purposes only." She knew just what I needed: practice boobs.

Daria: [On phone] So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for six thousand dollars.
Jane: Miss Pert 'N Pretty? What can she possibly need for six G's, other than a new personality?
Daria: Wait, there's more. Then she announces for twenty grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn.
Jane: :scoffs: Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs six thousand dollars' worth of plastic surgery!

Jane: Anyway, I don't think your attitude is so bad. You probably only need one fake boob.

Kevin: It's really bumming me out that people hate the way I look!
Daria: Well, a respectable member of the medical community once told me that "money can make anyone beautiful".
Kevin: Hey, thanks Daria! (walks off)
Jane: What do you think he thinks you meant?
Daria: What's the difference? He's gone.

Quinn: Where else am I going to get $6000?
Jane: Take up a collection? (Quinn looks enlightened and walks off)
Daria: You're paying for my therapy.

Quinn: So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all sharing the surgery. We're making a statement about solidarity!
Andrea: Solidarity?
Quinn: You know, sisterhood is powerful!
Andrea: Aren't you a little worried that there may be a hell?

Jane: Well come on! Where are they?
Daria: (thumbing at locker) In here.
Jane: Oh Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs.

"The Big House" [1.10]

Daria and Quinn are sentenced to a month of house arrest after the Morgendorffers experiment with Family Court.
Helen: The point is you were out way too late which is why tonight we're going to-
Quinn: Destroy our living with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother, I can't breathe!

Daria: Look, someone once said the most important thing in life is not to look like a geek. Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?

Daria: So they made up this elaborate punishment system.
Jane: You mean like a spanking machine?
Daria: I mean like family court.

Quinn: This sucks.
Helen: What have I said about using that word?
Quinn: That you would ground me or something?

Daria: There's no sadder sight on this earth, than a football player trying to think.
Jane: Who said that?
Daria: I believe it was Jefferson.

Quinn: Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Daria: Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Jake: It can't be Jefferson.
Quinn: Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.

{Daria is playing a harmonica}

Jake: Yeah, hi, Daria. I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now.
Daria: [as deadpan as ever] Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird.

Road Worrier

Daria travels with Jane,her brother, Trent, and his friend, Jessie (both make up half of Mystik Spiral), to Alternapalooza while Quinn travels there with her Fashion Club friends.

Trent: Hey, Daria.
Daria: (to herself) Can't speak.... must speak.... (aloud) Hey.
Trent: What do ya think of the song?
Daria: (to herself) It has a beat and you can dance to it. If you have no shame.(aloud) Umm, cool.

Jane: Daria thinks the name "Mystic Spiral" sounds like a Doors cover band that plays brew pubs. Don't you, Daria?
Daria: That's not exactly what I-
Trent: Hmm, maybe you're right. Would it help if we spelled mystic with two y's?
Daria: (To herself) And I'll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A, and be crowned Miss America. (aloud) It might.

Trent: This is like that R.E.M. video. Except you can't read anyone's mind.
Daria: (subtitle) Thank God.

Waitress: You kids goin' to that rock and roll shindig out near Swedesville?
Daria: No. We made a wrong turn on our way to Paris. (others laugh)
Waitress: You got a mouth on ya, don't ya?
Daria: Why?
Waitress: Ever thought of becoming a waitress?

Daria: I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass-
Jane: -and all in front of Trent.
Daria: Now turn the knife counter-clockwise.

Daria: They're not going to make fun of me?
Jane: For peeing in the woods? They're in a band Daria, those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.
Jesse: That reminds me, you owe me a shirt.

The Teachings of Don Jake

Jake: Isn't this great? For the next 72 hours we're going to live off what nature sent our way! See that stream? That's our drinking water! See those berries? That's our breakfast!
Daria: See that skeleton? That's our future. (the family looks urgently at where she points) Made you look.

Jane: Trent. Trent. Trent!
Trent: (wakes up) Officer, it's not even my car.

Jane: Let's think strategy. I don't wanna arrive without a plan.
Trent: Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don't leave it until we're unconscious.
Jane: Good plan. But first of all, they probably wouldn't serve me. And second, I don't want to pass out. And third, right before you pass out, you'll decide it's time to be honest with everyone.
Trent: Oh yeah. Bad idea.

Grandmother: Janey.
Jane: Yes, Grandma?
Grandmother: Come closer.
Jane: Yes, Grandma?
Grandmother: Closer.
Jane: Yes, Grandma?
Grandmother: Closer....
Jane: Yes, Grandma?

Quinn: So Cinderella said, "I can't go to the ball in these rags." And her fairy godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold. Big clunky silver and gold sequins, like you wouldn't wear to one of those seventies nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, instead she looked bloated!
Helen: Quinn, honey, is this really a scary story?
Quinn: Wait! I haven't gotten to the shoes yet!

Quinn: What's dad so worked up about anyway?
Helen: Oh Quinn, it's not easy being an adult.
Quinn: He can drive, he never has to take a pop quiz and he can order a mimosa any time he wants. What's the problem?
Helen: He's... it's hard for you to understand. You're like a fresh new bud just on the threshold of opening.
Quinn: EWW! Mom, you're not going to talk about puberty are you?

Helen: (sits on a rock) I can't go on. Leave me here.
Quinn: Mo-OM?
Helen: (succumbing to delerium) Go on Quinn, you're so young, so beautiful. You should lead the tribe into the new century.
Quinn: What "tribe"? Mom, what's wrong with you?
Helen: Now go tell Grey Fox I have given my blessing. (passes out)

Quinn: This is really scary, Daria.
Daria: All right, let's not get panicked. We're going to look at the situation calmly and objectively. Agreed?
Quinn: OK.
Daria: We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.
Quinn: Yes.
Daria: (pause) This is really scary, Quinn.

(Daria answers Helen's mobile phone)
Man: (over phone) Helen, have you got a few minutes to go over these depositions?
Jake: (running past in his underwear) There he is! Behind that pack of zebras! (runs off)
(Quinn runs past with mud on her face, followed by Helen with twigs in her hair)
Daria: (into phone) She'll have to call you back.

The Misery Chick

Mack: I know all about it. Jodie's giving the speech about the new goal post, remember?
Kevin: Oh yeah! Does she need any help with ideas for that? Like, from a quarterback's point of view.
Mack: Gee. I'll ask her. When there aren't any sharp objects around.

Jodie: Good afternoon students, faculty, and distinguished alumni of Lawndale High. As a representative of your student council.... Any ideas?
Daria: It is my privilege today to once again send the message that learning is no substitute for winning.
Jane: And that it's not how hard you study. It's how hard you play football.

Kevin: Tommy Sherman!
Tommy: That's the name. Don't wear it out.

Daria: Look, wanna get some pizza?
Jane: I'm going running.
Daria: After?
Jane: I don't know, it's going to be a long run.

Sandi: So like, what's your advice?
Daria: Find some other way to feel. Then you won't feel sad. Good luck.
Sandi: That's what I get for ten dollars? Are you kidding?
Daria: See, it's working already.
Sandi: [pause] Thanks.

Jane: You just made ten bucks off that poor girl's suffering!
Daria: Yeah.... That was wrong.
Jane: Really. Next time-
Daria: Twenty.

Jane: I don't like it when I say people should die and then they do. I don't want that kind of responsibility.

Season 2

Arts 'n' Crass

Ms. Li: Entry is strictly voluntary of course, although frankly I don't see how any of you could think of passing up the chance to bring honour unto yourself and unto Lawndale High.
Jane: "Unto"?
Daria: Buckle my shoe.

Brittany: I wanted to tell her I've got a great idea for a poster!
Daria: Me, too. Mine's going to be about cheerleading.
Brittany: Oh, no! Now what'll I do?

Jane: You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I'm going to do something that really represents student life.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And tell the truth about how much it can suck.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And you're going to help.
Daria: No.

Marianne: Helen? It's your daughter's teacher.
Helen: Tell them I'll make sure Quinn turns in the assignment on Monday, oh and, try to find out what the assignment is and if you could get started making notes on it.
Marianne: It's your other daughter, I think.
Helen: Daria? Well then, tell them I'll talk to her about her attitude and try to find out who she insulted and what she said.

Mr. O'Neill: Um, Brittany, I see the gang but I don't see anything representing "don't"
Brittany: Oh yeah. Where's my lipstick? (leaves)
Jane: And that's how good art becomes great art!

Trent: You did the right thing, coming to me.
Daria: Sorry we woke you up.
Trent: Don't worry about it, it was bound to happen sooner or later. All right, here's the plan. I'll sit right here with my foot on the accelerator ready to burn rubber.
Jane: Trent, pull over here and make sure you turn off the car in case you fall asleep okay?
Trent: Alternate plan. Cool.

Jodie: (walking up) What are you guys doing here?
Daria: Observing.
Jane: Innocently.
Jodie: I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. Wait a minute- What are you guys planning?
Daria: Get lost, Landon.
Jane: It's for your own good.
Daria: You've got a bright future, kid.
Jane: You don't want to be here when what's going to go down goes down.

Ms. Li: Did you really think you were going to get away with it?
Jane: Well, it would be stupid to say yes now.

The Daria Hunter

Mr. DeMartino: And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria.
Daria: Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?

Brittany: Oh no, you're hit, you're out of the game.
Jane: Damnit! Oh well.
Brittany: Poor kid. She never had a chance.

Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway.

Daria: Ow!
Jane: Sorry.
Daria: What took you so long?
Jane: I stopped to wipe out a village of farmers.

Sandi: Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.
Quinn: Don't be silly; I would never try to be president. As long as you were around.

Quinn: Sandi looks really cute.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Quinn: Cuter than me?
Tiffany: Oh no. You're way cuter.

Quinn the Brain

Daria: Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute and dump your date?
Quinn: Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care.
Daria: Well, that advice should prove very helpful. Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.
Quinn: Thanks.

Kevin: Babe, I've got a plan.
Britanny: I bet you do, you.... you.... high school Casablanca!

Daria: Only Quinn could turn being smart into a fad.
Jane: Today it's brains, tomorrow it's pierced tongues. Then the next day.... Pierced brains.

Daria: (puts head in locker) Do me a favor will you?
Jane: Yeah?
Daria: Close my locker.

Quinn: I mean, I really like the way this is getting to Daria, but I'm starting to feel like a phoney.
Jane: You're starting to feel like a phoney?!

Jane: I guess things are back to normal.
Daria: Fashion.... Good. Thinking.... Bad.
Jane: Yeah, we win.
Daria: I'm on top of the world.

I Don't

Jane: Oh Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day.
Daria: I will kill you. And bury your body, in this dress.

Brittany: What about you? Are you in a play or something?
Daria: Yes. I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln, after she went crazy.
Brittany: I didn't know she went crazy.
Jane: Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.
Brittany: Wow!
Jodie: Come on, Brittany. Let's finish outfitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.
Brittany: You mean the bullet didn't kill him?

Jake: I don't know why you didn't let me bring the golf clubs.
Helen: Jake, we're here to see our family. Not to have fun.

Daria: (Approaching the hotel where the wedding will take place) Redrum! Redrum!

Mack: When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you?
Kevin: Sometimes.

Amy: I don't mind a few dents. But change the radio station and you're a dead man.

Daria: We are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

Daria: Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob.

Lurman: (mumbles incoherently)
Daria: Uh-huh. W-What did you say?
Lurman: Just a little pointless chit-chat. Forget it.

Lurman: Would you like another soda?
Daria: No, uh-
Lurman: Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner? (Daria's eyes widen and she gives Lurman an odd look) Please be assured that my remark was intended in jest and not as an incitement to any type of actual self-destructive behavior.
Daria: You're not from around here, are you?

Lurman: I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard "intelligence", but that can't be right.

Amy: I hate myself in a formal dress. And everyone else too.

Amy: I have some vague memories of high school. But these days you all carry weapons, right?
Daria: Well, not to formal occasions like this.
Amy: That's where you kids make your mistake.

Bridesmaid 1: Not even the pep squad?
Daria: Not even the pep squad. I'll be honest with you, Daphne. I just can't find the time.
Bridesmaid 2: How come?
Daria: Well, first of all there's my work.
Bridesmaid 3: What do you do?
Daria: I'm an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dance for strange men.
Bridesmaid 1: Really? Wow.
Lurman: She's really very good.

Daria: Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humilating, or is it just a phase?
Amy: Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now.

That Was Then, This Is Dumb

Helen: They're here! I hope they don't think I've changed too much.
Daria: Just be yourself. That's what you've always told me.
Helen: I could kick myself for that.

Quinn: What kind of car is that?
Daria: That's not a car. It's a time machine.

Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those... yuppies!
Daria: Yuppies are from the '80s.
Quinn: So what do you call people in funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?
Daria: Trekkies.

Daria: There's nothing like watching the sun rise. Except watching the sun set in reverse.

Daria: Are you nuts?
Jane: Hey, you can always go on home and swap yoghurt recipes with the Yeaghers.
Daria: And what's wrong with my yoghurt recipe?

Jane: Why are you staring at my brother?
Daria: Selfless concern? I think he stopped breathing.
Jane: Nah, he's entering a dormant stage. In about ten years he should emerge as a butterfly. I guess you're gonna wait.

Trent: Hold over hippies?
Daria: Yeah, they're big believers in the concept of voluntary simplicity.
Trent: I gotta use that. Sounds much better than broke.

Quinn: Ethan?
Ethan: Yeah?
Quinn: You never told me whether you thought I was.... you know.... cute?
Ethan: Oh. Well sure, you're cute.
Quinn: Thanks.
Ethan: In a, you know, shallow, superficial way.
Quinn: (no trace of irony) Thanks.


Quinn: Don't you want to shoot me?
Daria: Yes, I want to shoot you.
Quinn: By the way, which is my best side? I know they're both good.

Daria: Anything you say can and will be used against you. We've got our Quinn.
Jane: That's a wrap.
Daria: But a wrap skirt is a definite don't. Oh my god, did I just say that?

Daria: Just promise me that if I start acting, talking, or thinking like Quinn, you'll do the right thing.
Jane: If you don't respond to drug therapy, I'll authorize electric shock. By the way, your tweensy weensy pores look really cute today.
Daria: But which is my best side, hmm? I know they're both good.
Trent: Hey Daria.
Jane: Did I forget to mention who drove me here?

Quinn: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. Not that I would.
Daria: Perish the thought.
Quinn: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.
Daria: Or anything else.
Quinn: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany and suddenly I'm outside of myself watching, and it's like, who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars, but then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff and you're good at your little paintings.
Jane: They are miniscule, aren't they.
Quinn: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but you know, it's what I can do. (leaves)
Daria: Aw, hell.
Jane: Yeah.

Daria: I told her I'd give her the opportunity to show there was more to her than the surface Quinn. Turns out there isn't.
Jane: And what exactly happened to the pore stuff? Our big finish?
Daria: You know the conscience I don't have? It got to me.

Jane: So you did the compassionate thing and look where it got you.
Daria: She's more popular than ever. We set out to make an expose, it ends up a love letter.
Jane: See, we're like artists. And this is how we screw ourselves.

(Jane puts a camera in a tree branch)
Daria: You're just going to leave it there?
Jane: It'll catch everything from the tree's total objective point of view.
(A second passes, during which nothing happens at all)
Daria: Riveting.
Jane: Andy Warhol once filmed a man sleeping for eight hours and people thought it was brilliant.
Daria: Those people changed their minds once they entered twelve-step programs.
Jane: Look! I think I just saw some leaves rustle.
Daria: There's our climax.

The New Kid

Jodie: Hey Daria. I didn't see you today. You said you might come to the photography meeting for yearbook.
Daria: Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas I had a change of heart.

Helen: Can't you talk to her Quinn? Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? They're all normal.
Quinn: Yeah! And that's exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried.

Daria: I should've known this wasn't a real date when Robert here kept calling me Darcy.
Robert: Sorry ma'am.
Daria: And ma'am. You were trying to buy my influence with a date?
Quinn: That's how we do it in America, comrade.

Jake: If this is for Greenpeace, uh, we've already given.
Leslie: Greenpeace? Those corporate puppets?


Brittany: The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels!
Daria: Yeah, nothing says "be mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.

Helen: It's just a visit, Daria.
Daria: That's what they told J.F.K.

Narrator: At Grove Hills, you can contemplate Proust in our spacious dorm rooms, converse in Latin over a delicious meal...
Daria: (whispers) Dump bodies into the river from our scenic bell tower.

Tiffany: Does this make me look fat?

Lara: They say high school's supposed to be the happiest time of your life.
Daria: Only if your life is extremely short.

Trent: Uh, who are you?
Jane: You remember Quinn, Daria's sister?
Trent: Oh, yeah. Daria's sister. Hey.
Quinn: Excuse me, I have a name.
Trent: Right. Daria's sister.

Quinn: And then the other thing is, who came up with the name "tennis bracelet" anyway? It sounds like some kind of a sweatband, if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive?
Jane: (frazzled) Take.... her.... now.

Jodie: (after seeing Brittany's attempt at art) Rent a brain.


Trent: Hello. We're Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name.

Daria: Look, I'm sorry about last night.
Jane: Ah forget it. It was a rare opportunity; getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.
Daria: You're sure that wasn't her brain?
Jane: Nah, there was too much of it.

Jane: Anyway, the important thing is that instead of going to your friends for help, you ran screaming into the night.
Daria: Basically.
Jane: Perfectly logical response.
Daria: I thought so.

Daria: You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.

Daria: So far, the tests are all negative, so probably nothing. Like I need this.
Jane: What?
Daria: A big, bright mysterious rash covering my skin.
Jane: I know! And here you were, perfectly capable of alienating people on personality alone.

Jodie: Oh, so you're a little red. It could happen to anybody. (looks at Mack) Well, it could happen to lots of people.

Fair Enough

Ms. Li: Volunteers are desperately needed. Those who refuse to volunteer must voluntarily purchase a ticket for ten dollars or voluntarily face suspension. Have a nice day.

Quinn: Hi, Sandi, Tiffany. Guess what?
Sandi: You're transferring to a new school?

Helen: I hope the other girls weren't too disappointed that you got the part over them.
Quinn: Well, let's see. Sandi was really nice about it. She said she's too mature to get upset at somebody else's incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. And Brittany just kind of made noises.

Daria: Thanks for meeting me here.
Jane: Hey, I wanted to come, remember? Besides, I had to get out. Trent discovered a new chord.

Tiffany: That's so wrong.

Stacy: Then, do you think I should call him?
Daria: Yes, right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide.
(Stacy leaves)
Jane: (robotically) Must-stick-head-cold-water.

Upchuck: Hey Andrea, you like madrigals?
Andrea: Don't touch me, you howdy-doody looking freak!

See Jane Run

Daria: (Notices Jane staring at a cute guy) See something you like or just browsing?
Jane: I'm thinking about getting those running shoes.
Daria: Uh-huh. What color were they?

Jane: Whoever said life was fair?
Daria: I don't know, but I'll bet he was a quarterback.

Jane: You know, I'd really like to show that Ms. Morris that the Lanes are no bunch of ordinary deadbeats.
Daria: Of course not. You're deadbeats with style.

Tiffany: Quinn, your cousin or whatever sure spends a lot of time at your house.
Quinn: Yes, well, um, she has nowhere else to go, what with her parents being in jail and all.

Evan: Have you seen this girl run like the wind?
Daria: Have you ever heard her break wind?

Jane: This is the part where you say "Way to go, congratulations!"
Daria: Way to go.
Jane: (prompting her) "Congratulations."
Daria: Congratulations.

Pierce Me

Jane: Where are you going?
Trent: Who are you? Mom?
Jane: No, Mom would never ask where you're going.
Trent: Exactly.

Quinn: We have to win.
Helen: But it's not a competitive event.
Quinn: Oh, it will be.

Quinn: That'll be good on me. That's cute for me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Possible Mom. Me. Me. (giggles)

Jane: (teasing) Oh, dear, our little girl's becoming a woman.
Daria: Shut up.
Jane: Don't you get it, Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all.

Write Where It Hurts

Mr. O'Neill: So, what Gardner is telling us is that the writer of fiction has a duty that goes beyond the mere telling of a story. His or her job is to tell a story in such a way as to leave the reader.... what, Kevin?
Kevin: Screaming for more full-contact martial arts excitement?
Mr. O'Neill: Daria?
Daria: I believe Mr. Gardner feels it's the writer's duty to steer the reader toward more conscientious behavior. No matter how dull that makes the story.

Jake: (shouts) Helen! Helen! What's the number for 911?!

Jane: So, how's the story coming? Or does it disturb you if I talk while you're writing?
Daria: It would disturb me if I were actually doing any writing.
Jane: What's the problem? Take people you know and have them do whatever you want. I'd make them crawl, I tell you. Crawl!

Daria: We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.

Future Quinn: Hi. (to kids) You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. (kids scamper into living room) Boy, I'm exhausted.
SSW Announcer: Breast implants for chickens-
Future Quinn and Future Daria: Not that!

Jane: Daria, do you think.... someday.... I can read your story?
Daria: No. But you can read the one where you run away with Kevin.
Jane: What?!

Season 3

Through a Lens Darkly

Daria: I couldn't live with myself if I hit a dog. Would you mind telling Quinn I killed him?

Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
Jane: Gonna work your way up to humans slowly?

Quinn: I always knew this day would come and wondered how it would be. Yet, now that it has, I feel strangely.... serene. Sit down, Daria. I can help you.
Daria: Who said I need help?
Quinn: Daria, if we're to make any progress at all you must be absolutely honest with me. Now, when did you first begin to suspect that your outfit sucked?

Mr. O'Neill: Now, when he shed his regal vestments and began dressing as if he had no money, a very funny thing happened to the prince. What was that? Kevin?
Kevin: He became the poor guy formerly known as the prince?

Trent: Hey, Daria, looks good. (drives away)
Jane: Now, watch out for the girl with the red face who's forgotten how to walk. Oh, never mind. That's you.

Upchuck: Sweet Daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse to get into my personal space. All you need to do is ask.
Daria: Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go. (walks away)
Upchuck: You'll be back. They all come back.
Jane: Name two. (walks away)
Upchuck: I could!

The Old and the Beautiful

Mr. DeMartino: Uh, Ms. Li, I wonder if I might-
Ms. Li: Forget it! I've already told you: No staff resignations while class is in session.

Brittany: Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
Daria: I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.

Daria: What about that squeak you do?
Brittany: (squeaking) What squeak?

Daria: Please, God, an aneurysm.
Jane: For them or for you?
Daria: Both.

Sandi: They may be poor, but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.
Stacy: Right.
Tiffany: Totally.
Daria: They may be shallow, but that doesn't mean they should be executed.
Jane: Yes, it does.
Daria: Very well, I'm sold.

Depth Takes a Holiday

St. Patrick: Not another step, lassie.
Daria: All right, I'll sign.
Cupid: What?
Daria: Your petition for an alternative lifestyles parade. Where's the pen?

Cupid: Everything is cool. Everything is love, baby. And the next word out of your mouth will be that particular someone who makes you feel like Queen Cleopatra.
Daria: Trent?

St. Patrick: Oh, shut up, you bloody- (Cupid drops him) idiot!
Quinn: What was that?
Daria: My imaginary friend fell down.
Quinn: God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.

Quinn: It's no fair making a popular person compete with a new baby.
Sandi: Really. They're so cute when they smile at you. "Hello, precious."
Quinn: Sandi!
Sandi: Oh, sorry.

St. Patrick: You see, Daria, you really had a wonderful life.
Daria: What the hell are you talking about?

Jane: This is just like a high school.
Daria: You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.
St. Patrick: It only seems like high school. Actually, it's much worse.
Jane: That's what we'll be saying all our lives.

Daria Dance Party

Brittany: Jane, your picture's full of bloody people! That's not a still life!
Jane: Sure it is. The blood's the reason they're so still.

Jake: Charity bloodsuckers!
Daria: No, it's the fashion bloodsuckers.

Sandi: You're kidding! I forgot all about the dance. Gee, that's too, too bad.

Mr. O'Neill: Um, Janet- I mean, Miss Janet. Ooh! No! That is-
Ms. Barch: Come on, skinny, let's dance!

Brett: We travel around on weekends trying to find a high school more screwed up than ours.
Jane: And?
Brad: Congratulations. Your trophy will arrive in six to ten business days.

Quinn: How come you guys aren't at Sandi's party?
Jamie: It, um....
Joey: Sucked.
Jamie: Sucked.
Quinn: Gee, that's too, too bad.

Daria: Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.
Jane: Plus.
Daria: But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.
Jane: Minus.
Daria: We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.
Jane: Plus.
Daria: But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.
Jane: Big minus.
Daria: So, we're more or less even on the night.
Jane: Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.
(They see three members of the Fashion Club locked outside their house, wearing swimsuits, as snow starts to fall.)
Both: [smiling smugly at each other] Plus!

The Lost Girls

Daria: Welcome to Lawndale, where style meets substance and says, "See ya!"

Quinn: Um, was she a little old for that outfit?
Daria: She's a little old for that brain.

Daria: It's School Colors Day. Just a random event inspired by school spirit. It's got nothing to do with your visit, which, of course, is a huge secret.
Val: You should have told me! I want to fit in while I'm here.
Daria: Therein lies the difference between us.

Val: How about doing a cheer for America's coolest young women, my readers?
Brittany: Um, okay. Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"! Give me an "L".... gosh, that's short.

Val: Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?
Daria: Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."

It Happened One Nut

Mr. DeMartino: My congratulations, Miss Lane. You've done it again.
Jane: Perfect record. I've gotten the same thing three years in a row.
Daria: Accountant?
Jane: That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer. Gets the whole test over within five minutes.

Quinn: Does anyone notice anything special about me?
Daria: Yes. From just the right angle, I really can see through your head.

Tiffany: You.... too.... can learn to.... make...
Daria: [prompts] Yes?
Tiffany: ...friends. Making friends is-
Daria: Fun? Interesting? Impossible?
Tiffany: .... important. Friends can be very-
Daria: Useful? Supportive? Purple?! What?!
Tiffany: You made me lose my place!

Jane: Misery loves company.
Daria: You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole friendship.

Jesse: Moth to a flame.
Both: Hey.
Trent: You've hijacked my brain.
Jesse: Moth to a flame.
Trent: If you don't release me-
Jesse: It'll really be lame.
Trent: No.
Jesse: I'll forfeit the game.
Trent: Nah.
Jesse: My soul's waves of grain.
Trent: I've heard that somewhere before.
Jane: You're driving me insane!
Trent: Too many syllables.

Jane: Hey, look! Monster trucks and naked models. Naked, naked, naked!


Daria: Oh me, oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up dead. So I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.

Jamie: Are we all going to die?
Ms. Li: Not on school property!

Daria: Let's head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after it's obliterated.
Jane: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.
Daria: I'm sure they already are.

Theresa: Sorry, ladies, the store's closing. The hurricane.
Sandi: Let's get out of here while there's still time to walk. Running for your life is so geeky.
Tiffany: Oh, no. Wind.... hair.

Daria: My parents are probably starting to worry.
Jane: I know mine would be, if they were in town.
Daria: What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.
Jane: I'll bet he's snoring.

Jake: C'mon, Trent! Your daughter and my sister are out there.
Trent: That doesn't sound right.

Lane Miserables

Vincent: Oh, honey? Don't drink from that big bottle in the kitchen; it's silver nitrate.
Jane: It's poisonous?
Vincent: Yeah, and I need it for my prints.

Amanda: You know, if you try to hold a butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go. And if it comes back, it is truly yours, but if doesn't, it never really was.
Jane: (quietly) How about if you tear off its precious little wings?

Vincent: Your mom and I find role-playing a super way to work out conflicts. We also enjoy hitting each other with large foam rubber bats.
Wind: I'd do it, but Katie isn't here.
Vincent: Well, I'll be Katie. Trent, would you mind being the flirtatious girl at the check-out counter?
Trent: Uh, I gotta go sharpen my guitar pick.

Amanda: Courtney and Adrian are coming for a visit. Isn't that great?
Trent: Does Summer know?
Amanda: She should, shouldn't she?
Trent: Well, she's kind of their mother.

Trent: Have you seen Janey?
Amanda: No, hon. But if you find her, tell her I said hi.

Jane: Look! A ducky!

Helen: Trent, would you like to stay here tonight?
Daria: Eep!
(everyone stares)
Daria: What?

Quinn: Listen, Daria, I always say that just because a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn't mean he's off-limits. Unless you're the girlfriend. By "you" I mean me, of course. Remember that.

Trent: We don't really have any rules at our house. Right, Janey?
Jane: Well, there's that one about not building a fire in the rooms that don't have fireplaces.

Jake of Hearts

Spatula Man: Hey, Lawndale High! Are you ready to par-tay crazy?
Jane: What the hell is that?
Daria: If it's an ice cream truck, that better be some damn good ice cream.

Quinn: I'm training to become a doctor so if Daddy has another heart attack, I'll be here to save him.
Daria: Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
Quinn: A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
Jake: That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Daria: You're not dying, dad.
Jake: Avenge me!
Helen: Jake, you're gonna give yourself a- never mind....

Daria: So, my grandmother Ruth will be staying with us while my dad recovers.
Jane: Is this the grandmother who said she'd give you one hundred bucks if you changed your hair?
Daria: Both my grandmothers said that.

Upchuck: Charles is my name, exploring the dark underbelly of passion is my game.

Jane: A date for a bumper sticker?
Jodie: Even Upchuck doesn't deserve this much humiliation.
Daria: Think how the bumper sticker must feel.

Sandi: Tiffany, dear. Would you please explain to the Spatula Man why a bumper sticker cannot possibly compensate for the shame and permanent reputation damage involved in a single date with Charles Ruttheimer.
Tiffany: Upchuck? Eww....
Sandi: Well done.

Quinn: Ugh! This is SO frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book?
Daria: Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty. Maybe you should start off with something easier. Many coloring books feature hearts- and rainbows.

Daria: Hello? Quinn, telephone.
Quinn: Message pad.
Daria: Quinn can't come to the phone. She's studying. Stu.... dy.... ing. No, this isn't a prank call, you called me.


Quinn: Good, they're gone. We're all alone.
Daria: Uh, excuse me, but I'm here.
Quinn: Oh, all right, you can stay. But if you could be really, really quiet, that would be great.

Daria: I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?
Quinn: God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?

Quinn: What's wrong?
Daria: A cute cowboy stole our money!
(commercial bumper music begins, then is interrupted)
Quinn: Um, actually, that's not entirely true.

Quinn: Oh, Daria. Are we that desperate that we have to resort to the truth?
Daria: When this is all over, remind me to run screaming into the night.

Quinn: We'll be through the criminal justice system and home in time for Buffy. Good thinking, Daria!
Daria: Shut up, Shorty.

The Lawndale File

Jane: "Different," eh? Hmm.... I wonder what I get if I turn you in?
Daria: More free time to spend with Kevin and Brittany.
Jane: Curse you, different ones, and your insidious logic.

Jane: A lot of weirdness around here lately.
Daria: Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end.
Jane: You say that every day.

Daria: Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker. Yes, a stalker out to plant a teen in a shallow grave. Perfectly normal. I feel much better now.

Tiffany: We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
Sandi: One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
Mr. O'Neill: Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
Sandi: A private problem.
Stacy: It's a neck zit!
Quinn: Stacy!
Tiffany: Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
(Quinn screams and runs off)
Stacy: Uh-oh.
Tiffany: Did I say the wrong thing?
Sandi: Don't worry about it.

Jane: So you finally convinced your dad that you're not a communist?
Daria: Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.

Just Add Water

Jane: How can you eat that meat loaf? Don't those little colored pieces scare you?
Daria: We only go around once. I hope.

Jodie: You guys are hopeless.
Daria: Damn it, she saw right through our facade of hopefulness.
Jane: She's the 12th person today.

Mr. DeMartino: Ms. Li, I implore you-!
Ms. Li: Please, Mr. DeMartino! I haven't heard anyone try so hard to squirm out of a school event since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous excuse about being allergic to crepe paper.

Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
Daria: Excuse me?
Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
Jane: You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?

Tiffany: I wonder where Quinn could be?
Sandi: Tiffany, grooming facilities on these vessels are very primitive. She and Marco are probably fighting over mirror space.

Sandi: Poor Quinn. I can't believe she's been (raises voice) stood up.

Jane: Back to the Serenity of Dreamland.
Daria: Yeah. I hope the fire-breathing Cyclops hasn't caught me yet.

Quinn: Daria.... I need your advice.
Daria: My advice is leave now, and I won't turn you into shark kibble.

Jane's Addition

Jane: Isn't "exciting assignment" a contradiction in terms?
Daria: I don't know. Let's ask our inspiring instructor.

Jane: I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.
Daria: That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me.

Trent: We're Mystik Spiral. We'll be back for a second set.
Jesse: This was the first set!
Trent: Uh, yeah.

Tom: Mm, very nice. You like convertibles?
Jane: Sofas?
Tom: Cars.
Jane: Why, you got one?
Tom: Um.... no, but the roof of my car is rusting through.

Max: Look, when I'm going foom-foom-foom-foom, what damn good does it do to have you going badda-dah, badda-dah, badda-dah, blat?
Nick: It's not blat, Max- it's blam.

Trent: I got to get back before Max and Nicholas kill each other.
Daria: Yeah. You don't want to miss that.

Daria: You and Jane aren't really morning people, are you?
Trent: Hey, the night holds the key.
Daria: The key to what?
Trent: I don't know, Daria. It's early.

Daria: What are you doing here?
Tom: Those really good friends of mine? They totally blew me off.

Daria: I really hope he makes it as a musician, 'cause I can't think of any other job he could hold down.
Tom: I don't know; you know those farmers that get paid not to grow anything?

Trent: Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
Daria: How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
Trent: I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
Daria: You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.

Season 4

Partner's Complaint

Helen: No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. (pause) Okay, I'll do it.

Mack: (sighs) Why didn't I pay my dad back in third grade?

Brittany: I'm here with my friend Jane, who respects my intelligence.
Jane: She's embellishing a little.

Trent: Hey, Janey. Hey, Da- (sees Brittany) Whoa!

Brittany: Go on, tell us, Mack.
Mack: Could everyone stop saying my name like that? It's creeping me out.

Helen: I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.
Daria: Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.

Daria: I hate everybody.

Antisocial Climbers

Jane: I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody.
Daria: You were a Girl Scout?
Jane: Not after the deprogramming.

Helen: I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away.

Quinn: And, it comes with a matching snakebite kit.
Tiffany: But.... why would you bite a snake?
Sandi: You don't understand, Tiffany, dear. The woods are full of slimy, cold-blooded creatures. Isn't that right, Quinn?

Ms. Li: The fool! He'll never make it down in his condition. I'm going after him.
Jane: Wow, that's kind of heroic.
Daria: He's got her video camera.
Jane: Oh, yeah.

Mack: Mr. DeMartino sent me and Kevin out to find you.
Ms. Li: And where is Kevin?
Mack: Um-
Ms. Li: Never mind.
Mack: Okay.

A Tree Grows in Lawndale

Daria: Gee, this won't end badly.
Jane: You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle.
Daria: Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge, would he do that?
Jane: Dunno. We'll try that next time.

Daria: You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.
Jane: (grabs Daria's notepad) "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"
Daria: It's a work in progress.

Mr. O'Neill: You're being judgmental, Daria. And you know what they say: Judge and you get mental.
Daria: And you know what I say.
Jane: Life sucks and then you die?

Mack: Come on, man, it's just a sprained knee. You gotta play. The team needs you.
Kevin: No, it doesn't. The only team that needs me is the one that sits all the time: The chess team.
Mack: But you don't even know how to play chess.
Kevin: Oh, yeah? King me, king me, king me!

Jake: That's it, we're moving! Look at this, it say Lawndale High's football team is the worst in Lawndale history. It says Lawndale High is a school for losers!
Helen: Jake, that's the Lawndale Shopper. It's written by an eighty year-old man who, if you recall, had to be taken off his roof by the fire department because he thought he was being chased by screaming mice.
Jake: That doesn't mean it isn't true.
Quinn: Oh, Daddy, mice don't scream.
Daria: Yeah, you're thinking of lobsters. Who's up for seafood?

Murder, She Snored

Brittany: Kevvy? What's that A doing on your paper?
Mr. DeMartino: Why Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
Brittany: Thanks!

Mr DeMartino: I think one of you, Kevin, snuck into the classroom last night, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMY LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!
Daria: But who does he really suspect?
Jane: That Jimmy guy?

Jake: Hey kiddo! How was your day?
Daria: Fine. I heard a new voice inside my head and Kevin stole a test so everyone's getting an F.
Jake: That's great!
Helen: Daria, you were just kidding about the voice, right?
Daria: (to herself) Relax. We don't have to answer that.

Ms. Li: Miss Morgendorffer, it is my duty to inform you that you are the number one suspect in the murder of Kevin Thompson.
Daria: What?
Jane: It's always the quiet ones.

Mack: What can I say about Kevin? That he was.... well, he was.... um.... he never made anyone feel stupid. Thank you very much.

Ms. Barch: I'd just like to say that I'm glad Kevin is dead. I wish all males were dead. Thank you, and go Lions.


Mr. O'Neill: So class, your assignment is to pick something you know you'll fail at, to prove that failing isn't the end of the world.
Daria: There goes my motivation.
Jane: Relax. At least he's not making us guess people's identities by feeling their hands.
Daria: Again.

Jane: So, like, do I look conventional or whatever?

Mr. O'Neill: Okay then. Jodie?
Jodie: I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have this summer off.
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent! And see, you've learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?
Jodie: No, I've learned that my parents would rather I dropped from exhaustion than missed the opportunity to shred some congresman's incriminating phone bills.

Kevin: I'm the QB- no more.

Jane: Cheer cheer cheer, yell yell yell. Who cares who wins, we're all going to hell. If my peppy doesn't work for you I could always try my perky

Jodie: Come on, look at her. Is that the face of a thinker?

Jane: You could try failing at being sarcastic.
Daria: [Sarcastically] Yeah, like that'll work.

I Loathe a Parade

Tad: I also like it when they throw candy from the floats.
Daria: Since when do you eat candy? You told me it was poison.
Tad: Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one cavity some other boy or girl will never get. That's what makes it so rewarding.

Tom: It is a stunning array of pod people. It's times like these I'm glad I don't go to your school.
Daria: Uh-huh. And I suppose your ivy-choked prep school is any better? Wait a minute. Was I just defending Lawndale?
Tom: You know, I think you were.
Daria: We never had this conversation.
Tom: What conversation?

Tad: That product was tested on bunnies and kitties!
Quinn: It was?!
Sandi: Duh, that's why we use it: So those cute animals didn't suffer in vain.

Tad: You're a mean old witch.
Sandi: I am not old!

Tad: You don't respect other species' rights.
Sandi: Shove it, veggie boy.

Tom: It's like the Hindenburg.
Daria: Oh, the lack of humanity.

Tom: Thanks for getting lost in the moment with me.

Daria: I can't believe it. It's Mr. O'Neill.
Tom: And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling kids.

Sandi: We can't just stay here forever. The same people have been staring at us for too long.
Tiffany: It's like looking into the sun. It's like, really pretty? But if you do it for too long, you get wrinkles.
Stacy: Yeah. It kind of hurts, too.

Lion: Rawr, rawr, rawr! We're #1!
Daria: Um, I think the Roaring 20's are back that way.
Lion: Let's do the Lawndale shuffle.
Daria: How about the get-the-hell-away-from-me slide?
(Lion stumbles while dancing)
Lion: My head's too big.
Daria: That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.

Of Human Bonding

Helen: No dating while we're out of town.
Quinn: Mo-om!
Helen: The boys of Lawndale will just have to suffer.

Helen: This is very nice of you Sandi.
Sandi: My pleasure. I like to give back to the community Helen.
Quinn: Helen? Oh, when will it end, when will it end?

Helen: Now Sandi, a freckle or a line here or there is no sin. A few lines in a woman's face show character.
Sandi: Hm.
Helen: Except for the mean little one some people get at the corner of their mouth from scowling too much.
Sandi: Shall I pluck your eyebrows now?

Stacy: (punching her pillow) No-matter-what-I-do, pillow-hair!

Psycho Therapy

Quinn: A spa? Great, I need a facial so bad.
Daria: Don't get excited. This says it's a spa for the soul. Didn't you sell yours a while back?

Doctor: Now remember: No sudden movements.

Daria: Uh oh. Four flew into the cuckoo's nest.

Helen: Excuse me, but what's going on here?
Doctor: We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire and, well, we're a little concerned.
Helen: (reading) Favorite pastime. Changing water into wine?
Daria: I knew I should have gone with the burning bush.

Jean Michel: (trying to hypnotise Daria, while Quinn watches) You are safe and calm. Feeling a warm, gentle breeze. Every bone in your body is relaxing. Easy, easy. At the count of ten, you will tell me everything you are feeling with no resistance.
Quinn: (accidentally hyptonised) Oh, Caesar! Please, don't poison me. I could love you, but those togas make your butt look so big.
Daria: Oh, God.
Quinn: And what's with that headband? Olive leaves are so B.C.
Jean Michel: It looks like she's experiencing a past life regression.
Daria: You've got the regression part right.
Quinn: Help! Help! Someone help me! Some king wants to kill me for loving some soldier or something, before I've had time to pass on my secret formula for eyeliner. Oh, Caesar, you big idiot! Do something!
Daria: Impressive grasp of history, but she forgot the part where they all board Noah's ark for a Carribean cruise.
Jean Michel: Daria, I was afraid you had some rather deep-seated problems, but I must say, you're remarkably well adjusted.... considering.
Quinn: You'd think someone would have invented eyeliner before me, but no, I, Cleopatra have to come up with all my beauty products on my own! What a hard life!
Daria: At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.

Quinn: Where's Jean Michel?
Daria: I think he's showing some ink blots to Marc Antony.
Quinn: Why does he have so many patients?

Doctor: We think it might be best to put her under a little thing we call intensive observation.
Quinn: About time.
Jake: Wait a minute. There's nothing wrong with Daria.
Quinn: Yeah. She's always like this.

Quinn: Excuse me, I think I hear an accent.

Jean Michel: Do you always talk to your computer, Daria?
Daria: Only when my refrigerator is mad at me.

Patient: Maybe I do use food for comfort, but at least a chocolate bar never told me I was an accident
Jean Michel: What did the chocolate bar say to you?

Doctor: Why don't you be Daria?
Quinn: Oh God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you.
Doctor: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Give it a try.
Quinn: I just did.
Doctor: Oh.
Daria: I am not suicidal.
Doctor: All right Daria. Now can you be Quinn?
Daria: Okay, now I'm suicidal.

Helen: Everybody hates me.
Quinn: Are you being Daria now?

Mart of Darkness

Quinn: (on the phone) Oh no, oh my God, oh no. Accessory emergency Stacy, I have to go. No Stacy, it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay fine, it is you, bye!

Sandi: As president of the fashion club, I'm calling an emergency meeting right now.
Stacy: But Sandi! I swear this shirt is 100% cotton. It just looks like a blend!
Sandi: Stacy, if you're finished with your unsolicited outburst on fiber content, I'd like to call your attention to the fact that we're surrounded by moving fashion violations!

Legends of the Mall

Quinn: But he's suposed to pick us up at the mall.
Daria: He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
Quinn : The what?
Daria: The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.

Tiffany: I can't believe no guy would give us a ride.
Stacy: Maybe we shouldn't make them wait in the car anymore while we shop. Remember last summer when Jeffy got all dehydrated and his tongue was hanging out and stuff?

Jane: Shallow graves for shallow people.

Sandi: Excuse me, but this isn't my street.
The driver: No problem. Just click your heels and say "There is no place like home." Only do it outside. This is the end of the line.

Sandi: Tiffany, dear, eyelid-consuming monsters simply do not exist.

Groped by an Angel

Quinn: (to her "angel") So there was a reason for this after all. Thank you.
Daria: There's no commision involved here, is there?

Quinn: For your information i'm reading about real people who had encounters with guardian angels.
Daria:Oh, I know that book; "Chicken Soup for the Stupid".

Jane:Everything's already been decided,they win, you loose, and what you do doesn't matter because the end is fixed,so why bother?God, I'm depressed.
Daria:You're right, we better call it a night.
Jane:Keep moving, Morgendorffer

Stacy: You know I was thinking, if people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda either?
Tifany: But then how do they stay thin?
Sandi: Stacy, you were what?
Stacy: Nothing.

Ashley Amber: Gee, I don't remember seeing you guys before. Are you friends of Brittany?
Jane: Brittany?
Ashley Amber: You know, the one who this party is for.
Daria: Party?
Ashley Amber: Yes, party. For Brittany. Because she's becoming an honor student.
Jane: Brittany?

Trent: Thank you. We're, um.... never mind who we are.


Daria: Relax. She's in the bathroom, marveling at its many wonders.
Bobby: Cool. Hey, is Quinn, you know, seeing anyone?
Daria: Just a dermatologist for that rash.

Trent: Can't. Practise starts at seven.
Jane: Trent, it's nine.
Trent: Hm. I'd better head out.

Quinn: Mo-om! He's not a stalker, he's just enthusiastic!

Quinn: You mean.... I almost went out with.....
The detective: That's right.
Quinn: A computer geek?!

Trent: Hey Daria. Have you seen Janey? I think one of us was supposed to give the other one a ride somewhere.

Dye! Dye! My Darling

Quinn: Well, you know what I tell myself. Quinn, if not you, who? If not now, when?
Daria: If not leave, puke.

Helen: Look, our entire strategy depends on you analyzing those printouts before the weekend. I don't care if your mother's getting married! I don't care if your mother's getting executed! Do you understand?!

Daria: Do you want to come in?
Tom: No! There are girls in there rubbing stuff on each other's cheeks and making animal noises. I got kind of scared.
Daria: That's just the opening rites of the Blushathon. At least you got out before the rhythmic chanting.
Tom: Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel.

Daria: Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!
Tom: I liked it, too.
Daria: That's not funny!

Daria: I kissed your boyfriend.

Tom: Oh hi.
Jane: Oh hi. Go to hell!

Trent: Hey, you know, about Tom and all; it'll be okay.
Jane: Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.
Trent: Maybe it is.
Jane: So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?
Trent: I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?

Season 5

Fizz Ed

Mr. O'Neill: Darn budget.
Jane: Mr. O'Neill!
Mr. O'Neill: Sorry!

Jane: You owe me hugely for making me miss the biggest football game of the year.
Daria: You hate football.
Jane: Hey! Don't try any of your twisty-turny mind games on me, Morgendorffer.

Daria: And all you have to do for it is name your firstborn after Ultra Cola.
Kevin: What?
Jane: You weren't going to call him Kevin Junior, were you?
Brittany: Oh, Kevvy, I hope you're not disappointed.
Kevin: Ultra.... Ultra Thompson. "Now starting for the Miami Dolphins at quarterback, Ultra.... Cola.... Thompson. Hooray!" Yeah, it's cool.

Daria: Do you think I complain a lot?
Tom: What are you bitching about now?

Ms. Barch: Class, there's been a change in our lesson plan. Today we'll discuss the planets' relative distance from the sun.
Upchuck: But we did that two weeks ago, Ms. B.
Ms. Barch: And now we're going to do it again, Charles. Unless you wish to spend the period in independent study?
Upchuck: (shivers) No, not the closet.

Mack: Ms. Li, are you sure you want to do this?
Ms. Li: Just what are you saying, Mr. MacKenzie? It's unethical? Immoral? In direct conflict with my role as an educator?
Mack: Well, yeah, but mostly I was thinking I'm the only one on the team who can count by halves.

Ms. Li: Ah. I love the smell of Cola in the morning.

Sappy Anniversary

Daria: Hmm... lot of flowers. And chocolates. Did you come down with a debilitating illness and forget to share the good news?
Quinn: Daria, it's not like I ask guys to buy me presents. I merely suggest.

Daria: Uh, well.... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and-
Helen: Oh. Um.... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything, but we're really not, and it changes everything, and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before adulthood's cares-
Daria: It's not about sex.
Helen: Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see."

Daria: But what if he forgets your anniversary altogether?
Helen: Show no mercy.

Jane: And always let your conscience be your-
Daria: Oh, shut up!

Fat Like Me

Daria: You know, these little bets have cost you forty clams so far. If I had a self-image, I'd think you were bribing me to be your friend.
Jane: Bet you the whole forty I'm not.

Jane: Did I hear right? The death of the Fashion Club? That at last the people shall be free?
Daria: Not likely. That club's like a hydra. You cut off one airhead, two more grow back.

Quinn: Before we begin the meeting, I have an announcement to make. Sandi has resigned from the Fashion Club.
Stacy: Quinn, that's terrible! Not that we shouldn't respect her decision.
Tiffany: Yeah, that's awful.... oh, well.

Tiffany: Long live the Quinn! Hey-!

Sandy: (sobbing) My life is over!
Quinn: Sandi! You're not thirty.

Sandi: (panting) Can't.... I.... rest?
Quinn: Did Cleopatra rest when she was inventing mascara? Did Neferiti rest when she was posing for statues? Did Helen of Troy rest when she was doing whatever it was she did? Beauty never rests! Now, swim, you cow, swim!
Sandi: What?!
Quinn: Sorry; coach talk.

Tiffany: Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?
Stacy: There is no meeting.
Tiffany: How co-
Stacy: How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you (imitates Tiffany) stare.... in the mirror.... and talk.... about yourself.... (normal voice) and I, I, I quit!
Tiffany: Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.

Camp Fear

Trent: Hey.
Jane: Let me guess: You woke up at four this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.
Trent: It's not just that.

Skip: Hey, what are you doing?
Daria: Hunting for my dinner. And I only kill when I plan to eat.

Daria: Why don't you go find a quiet corner somewhere and practise being an individual for a while?

Daria: Please don't say my name.
Amelia: ...Daria Morgendorffer.
(no response from the crowd)
Amelia: You know, the weird kid?

The Story of D

Quinn: I know! How about a new mirror to replace that awful one in the girls bathroom that adds at least two pounds.
Stacy: I hate that mirror.
Tiffany: It haunts me.

Quinn: Why don't we do what we do best?
Sandi: Quinn, no one is going to pay us to eat carrot sticks.

Jane: He meant well. For a teacher who does nothing well.
Daria: I'm reminded of my father.
Jane: What? Why?
Daria: Because I can't get the phrase "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains" out of my head.

Stacy: So everyone just ignore everything you've read.
(the guys just look at her)
Quinn: You didn't read it at all, did you?
(the guys shake their heads)
Tiffany: Being an author sucks.

Lucky Strike

Ms. Li: (over P.A.) Students of Lawndale High, your attention, please.
Jane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again?
Daria: No. Satan's voice is lower and he has an English accent.

Mrs. Stoller: Class, you may have noticed I'm not your usual teacher.
Daria: If only we didn't have our usual students.

Mrs. Stoller: Posture, Cubie, posture.

Mrs. Stoller: And whats your name, dear?
Daria: Daria
Mrs. Stoller: That sounds like a hippie name, I think I'll call you Darlene, so much prettier

Teachers(chanting): We need a lot more money! This really isn't funny! You don't pay us enough to buy honey!

Mr. O'Neill: Oh. Well, um.... let me see.... (to "Oh! Susannah") "Well, I came to sunny Lawndale with a smile and a degree..." Hmm, no... uh... oh! (to "I've Been Working On the Railroad") "I've been teaching here in Lawndale on rather modest pay..." No, that's not quite forceful enough.

Quinn: And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing!
Helen: Mm-hmm.
Quinn: About some professor who dates a budding child-woman because he wants to blossom her.
Helen: Mm-hmm.
Quinn: And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair and telling her about his anguished soul-
Helen: Mm-hmm- what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?!
Quinn: I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket.

Ms. Li: If someone asked me to teach a class, I'd be honored. Besides, we wouldn't be in this fix if it weren't for your mother.
Daria: Yeah. Hire one pedophile and she gets all bent out of shape. Besides, I'm not thinking of me. I'm thinking of the children.
("devil" and "angel" versions of Daria appear and hover on either side of her head)
Devil Daria: Not so fast. You'll get out of gym class.
Angel Daria: You? A scab?
Devil Daria: Oh, great. Touched by an angel.
Angel Daria: You'd be betraying your teachers.
Devil Daria: Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers!
Angel Daria: You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always use to keep wages low and workers weak.
Devil Daria: Oh, go dance on the head of a pin. You could make Quinn's life really miserable.
Angel Daria: Huh. That's a good point.
Devil Daria: Hey, you hungry?
Angel Daria: Yeah, we can pick this up later.

Mr. O'Neill: (to "On Top of Old Smoky") "On top of our paychecks, right under the date, there sits a small number we've all grown to hate..." I don't know, hate is such an ugly word.

Jane: Well, what do you know? Trent's actually on time to pick us up. And all I had to do was set his clock ahead four hours.

Trent (singing): "Your salary offends me, your health plan-"
Mr. O'Neill: "Doesn't mend me?"
Trent: You know, if you're not going to take this seriously, we can just stop right now.

Daria: Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else?
Joey: Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.
Daria: Hmm. Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.
Jeffy: Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker. He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows.
Daria: Romeo and Juliet.

Daria: A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet and stare them down.
Jane: You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance.
Daria: That's what I just said.

Jane: Nice. Nice. Remember, nothing says "death to the bosses!" like primaries. Pastels are for appeaseniks.

Trent and Mr. O'Neill(singing): "Have you ever been to the children's zoo? When the birdies say 'cheep,' they're talking 'bout you!" Nah....

Tom: Hey, how about asking them this: "If Verona had had metal detectors, would Mercutio be alive today?"
Daria: If he were, he'd be about four hundred years old.
Tom: That's why they'll all get it wrong. Trick question, yeah!
Daria: Gee, I wonder why no one's ever asked you to teach a class.

Ms. Li: Don't think you can intimiate.... intermolate.... don't think you can scare me with your threat to picket naked!
Mr. DeMartino: You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night. I want to picket naked!

Sandi: An essay test?
Stacy: Two hundred words?
Tiffany: Think....?

Mr. O'Neill (singing): "You call this compensation? You keep your long vacation! You're forcing us to salary arbitration! Mama said strike you out! Yeah!"

Mack: What a surprise. An "A" and a silver star.
Jodie: Don't get too full of yourself. I got a gold star.
Brittany: I got a gold star too! And a C. Ohhh, red, white, and BLUE....

Kevin: Hey! Why didn't I get a gold star?
Mrs. Stoller: Boys with bad posture don't get gold stars. And Cubie! Shame on you, trying to fool the teacher by signing your test "Kevin".

Sandi: (gasps) Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!
Stacy: Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.
Tiffany: We were just being polite about it.

Ms. Li: (dazed) People of Mars! I mean, students of Lawndale High. This is your leader- um, principal. What was I saying? Oh! The teachers.... the teachers.... the strike's over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow! Good ni- day.

Art Burn

(To Trent)
Jane: How much money do you have? [beat] Trent?
Trent: I have none, so I said nothing.

Trent: None of these numbers are gazebo numbers.
Trent: Hello? Paramedics? Do you fix gazebos?

Jane: Your place is called Garry's Gallery?
Daria: Larry's Louvre was taken.

Jane: Money. Money, money. I love money. I'd shovel it down my throat if I could.
Daria: You're kidding, right?
Jane: Of course, Daria. I'd chew it slowly and stop when I felt full.

Garry: Quit? You can't quit Garry's Gallery.
Jane: No, that's the mafia.

Jane: Money's not the issue here.
Garry: I'll increase your cut to sixty percent.
Jane: Money is the issue here.

Helen: Look Tiffany, you can't sue the caricature artist! Nor can you have him disbarred, deported, imprisoned or grounded! Do you understand?
Tiffany: Of course. You don't have to yell.
Helen: You're right, Tiffany, I'm sorry.
Tiffany: We need someone to break his fingers. Like in that show. About those guys.

One J at a Time

Jane: Well, I don't think you're giving Tom enough credit. He never said an unkind word to my parents.
Daria: He never met your parents.
Jane: Oh yeah. I don't suppose you could get your father to go off to Greece for six months to sketch the sunset.

Tiffany: This is the hardest and most important decision you'll ever have to make.
Quinn: I know! Stacy, do you still have that Magic Eight Ball?

Quinn: It's not the quantity of the time, but the quality.
Daria: You'll make a great neglectful mother one day. [looks at Tom] Speaking of serious, thanks for getting us those adjoining cemetery plots. [nods at Quinn and looks her way] Now I know you care.

Quinn: Hi Jeffy, I mean, uh, Jeffy-lube.
Jeffy: Um, hey Quinn.
Quinn: I need to talk to you about our cemetery plots, but not now.

Quinn: Oh! I can't believe Jeffy just deserted me like that! I'll never have a boyfriend, I'll never be in a relationship like you and Tom, I'm a complete failure! [runs off crying]
Daria: Hm. Do I do the sisterly thing and console her? Oh look, rolls.

Helen: Oh my, where is everyone?
Daria: Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel, and Quinn's in her room crying.
Helen: Why? What happened?
Daria: Male bonding, I guess.

Jake , Tom and Jamie: Whoomp! There it is!

Helen: Daria! How could you mislead your sister like that?
Daria: Mother. How could I not?

Quinn: So it's all right not to have a steady boyfriend?
Helen: Of course it's all right.
Quinn: Okay. I'm going to go dump Jeffy now.

Life in the Past Lane

Jane: Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
Daria: Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?
Jane and Tom: Hey!

Nathan: But first, hair check.

Nathan: I mean, the sixties are over.
Trent: The forties were over first.

Quinn: She hardly didn't eat anything at lunch. Did that make sense?
Tiffany: I got it.

Stacy: Oh Sandi, you're so naive.

Mr. DeMartino: Why do I always wind up bailing out the naive or incompetent when their ill-conceived plans go awry!?

Tiffany: Maybe Stacy can teach me to cry.
Quinn: It would be useful at home, and in a variety of social situations.

Daria: I didn't feel it was my place to state that incredibly obvious fact. I mean 'impose my subjective opinion.'

Aunt Nauseam

Rita: Mom thought she could use a week at the spa, to calm her nerves. Wasn't that thoughtful?
Helen: That's mom, always thinking of her grandchildren. [quietly] One of them anyway.

Rita: Even if I did have a job, I sure couldn't possibly meet with your approval.
Helen: I guess we'll never find that out, will we?
[Amy approaches]
Amy: Ah, another Kodak moment with the Barksdales.

Helen: Oh, Amy!
Rita: Come here!
[both women hold out their arms for a group hug]
Amy: [to Daria] I blame you for this.

Tom: Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
Daria: I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch "Gone With the Wind" with her.
Tom: [starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious] Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.

Daria: I'll make you a deal: The only weapon I'll use against you will be my winning personality, and the only weapon you'll use against me will be your merciless silent treatment.
Quinn: Silent treatment? I never.... ha. Deal.

Prize Fighters

Jane: You're coming off all observant and honest, you know; antisocial

My Night at Daria's

Jodie: Hey. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you're responsible.
Daria: So then you and Mack have.... been responsible?
Jodie: Um.... I really don't want to discuss that right now.
Daria: I understand.
Jodie I promise: Soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it.

Daria: Easy for you to say. You never had a rumor circulating around school that you slept with someone.
Jane: Well, if that ever does happen, I hope the guy's a professional wrestler.

Jane: Anyway, being in a relationship can't possibly hinge on physical intimacy. 'Cause that would mean our parents are still doing it.
Daria: Which is absurd.
Jane: No chance.
Daria: I'd join the circus.
Jane: Right behind you.
Daria: Thanks for your insight.
Jane: What I'm here for.

Tom: You don't want to have sex because you're afraid it'll hurt our relationship, and then you break up with me. Doctor, my head.
Daria: I thought that's what you'd want.
Tom: Think again. [kisses her] Y'know.... I think that, despite ourselves, we just reached a new level of intimacy.
Daria: And lived to tell about it.

Boxing Daria

Daria: Anyway, he'll be up there for a family wedding, so more time for you and me to hang out.
Jane: Haven't we had this conversation before? Only I said what you're saying and you said what I'm saying?

Quinn: (muttering) Stupid freakin' carton.... hard freakin' labor.... I'm only freakin' human! How much can one freakin' girl take? Even an enormously freakin' popular one....

Quinn: You know, you had a big fight about Daria and then Dad stormed out? It was very traumatic. The scars are with me to this day. Do we have any diet soda?

Helen: Daria, you can't live in that box forever!
Daria: I can once they put in my high speed Internet connection.

Is It Fall Yet? (first movie)

Mr. DeMartino: Well, students... I certainly appreciate your help in cleaning out the classroom for the summer. It almost makes me forget that most of you didn't learn a thing all year!
Daria: That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up.

Brittany: Wait, isn't golf for old people who dress funny?
Jodie: Yeah - my parents.

Helen: Hello! You must be Tom.
Tom: I-
Helen: I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
Tom: Glad to-
Helen: Won't you come in?
Tom: I'd-
Helen: Great!

Daria: Sorry about that. They've been acting a little strange ever since, oh, I can remember.

David: Hi, I'm David Sorenson. Are you Quinn?
Daria: I don't know. Is this the ninth circle of Hell?
David: The Divine Comedy.
Daria: Wait a minute, you know that? All right. Who are you and what do you want with my sister?

Quinn: Where are you going?
David: Far, far away.

Guy: (to Daniel) I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?
Alison: "My alimony bills."

Brittany: Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious. But how can you be dating Jane and Daria?
Tom: Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.
Brittany: Oh. (pause) Oh! Daria!

Andrew: We're up for membership at Winged Tree and she's on the board. Forget politics. That's power. (laughs)

David: Steinbeck was perhaps best known for his poignant novel about the "Okies"-
Tiffany: Uh-huh....
David: A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass.
Tiffany: Uh-huh....

Tiffany: This toaster's really shiny.

Mr. DeMartino: Remember: If you feel yourself getting mad, go ahead! If someone's doing something to irritate you, tell them about it in detail! And hike.... whenever you feel like it!

Quinn: You can't judge someone by their family. What if people judged me by.... blech! Got to go.

Daria: Just for the record, the police don't like it when you drive on the wrong side of the road.
Trent: Tell me about it.

Trent: We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake Jesse up just right or he gets all disoriented.
Daria: How can you tell?

Daria: And I kept thinking about you, up here doing your paintings, making your jokes, being Jane Lane.
Jane: Being Jane Lane's what I do best.

Daria: Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation?
Jane: Please do.

Mystik Spiral: When the aliens come,
when the death rays hum,
when the bombers bomb,
we'll still be freakin' friends!
When the whip comes down,:
when they nuke the town,:
when dead clowns can't clown,
we'll still be freakin' friends!

Jane: Anyway, it's just another two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait.... what's my point?
Daria: That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.

Is It College Yet? (second movie)

Jane: What about you? Still thinking about- (snooty accent) -Bromwell?

Daria: They don't really talk like that there. I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.
Jane: The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.

Bromwell applications interviewer: "What are you hoping to reap from your Bromwell experience?

Daria: [thinking to self] "Reap? Reap?........ REAPREAP!"

Upchuck: Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too festive? Let us depart for a darker place where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion.

Andrea: You're hitting on me?
Upchuck: Um-
Andrea: Okay.
Upchuck: [squeaks] Really? [normal voice] I mean, say no more, my raven-haired ravisher. [offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away]

Jane: Daria! Your face at the pizza parlor... your face now! Did that bastard dump you?! I swear, I'm gonna...
Daria: No. I dumped him.
Jane: Wait a minute... you mean you? You're the bastard?
Daria: Yes, and the bastard is hurting like hell.

Last Dialogue of the Series:

Jane: To college. I can't wait. What do you think we'll find when we get there?

Daria: Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared solely to the pursuit of funding?:

Jane: Hmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?

Daria: Yeah?
Jane: I take it back.

See also

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