Dave Attell

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Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self. To be damned is for one's ordinary everyday mode of consciousness to be unremitting agonizing preoccupation with self.
Iris Murdoch
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Dave Attell (born in Rockville Centre, New York, January 18, 1965) is a stand-up comedian.


"Skanks For The Memories"

  • Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
  • People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me, “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘one cock at a time.’
  • Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate.
  • My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
  • They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!"
  • I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.
  • Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They're blowing shit up, getting things done. I'm walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.
  • Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. “Oh look, oh look there’s still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you’ve got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children.”
  • Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, “Do I have a small penis or just gigantic legs?”
  • You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. “10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.
  • Eggnog, who thought that one up? "I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes." You know what eggnog really is. You're not gonna want to hear it, but I'll tell ya. It's elf cum. You might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass.
  • I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
  • So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
  • Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!
  • I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outa there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either this sucks let’s do something else, or owww, you hit me with the horseshoe.
  • Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
  • I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians.
  • If I had a kid, I’d give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I’d call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
  • Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laugher to their kind.
  • Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
  • The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick’s a farmer!
  • Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables."
  • Tattoos are cool because they don’t belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don’t like fruit. I don’t like it! Long bike ride? I’m out. Hot dog eating contest? I’m listening.
  • I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.
  • Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
  • Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
  • You should've hung out, man.

Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell

  • You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
  • You know what my drink is? Jack Daniels. That's a wild man drink. That should come with bail money. You know what Im sayin? Because on Jack you never know where you'll end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
  • I was drinking Jack and I started blackin out. You ever black out? Or as I call it, time travel? You ever do that? Oh yeah! You know how it is? You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in another bar. You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in North Dakota, "Yeah! Yeah! Winner fixes the tranny! Yeah". You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in White Castle--working there 3 years, STILL not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can't 'cause you're banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. They say she's retarded, but those titties ain't retarded!
  • This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
  • Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.
  • You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
  • (talking about how girls like mystery) Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.
  • I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
  • Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
  • Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!""What was I thinking!"

"Captain Miserable"

  • Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?
  • Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
  • That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.


  • You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
  • One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, "son, move over." "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon..." my eye!
  • The other night I had the lonely bug so I went to this bar. I saw this beautiful girl there. I'm thinking, "She's alone, I'm alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?" SO I walk over, I'm walking, I'm wearing clogs. And I notice she has a black eye, she has a shiner. I'm thinking, "Great. She doesn't listen." So two McNuggets, three beers, and 50 dollars later we're back at my house doing it doggy style. Not that I planned on it, that's just how she passed out. Thank you slow gas leak.
  • You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you're probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head...I do not." "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time...during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber... 3 times. It happens. You never see it on ER, but it's happening. Every 8 minutes out there, someone is sitting on a cucumber, or papaya if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs, and a friend that can keep a secret. Preferably your midget friend. 'Cause nobody believes a midget until it's too late. Cucumber up a man's ass? Is that where the treasure is? Well then lead me, into your midget world!
  • Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
  • I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered--I need a girlfriend. 'Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I've ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette's Syndrome. I'm talking to a girl: "hi, how ya doin'. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!"
  • Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
  • I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. "One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how i met your mother."
  • The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa..." WRITE IT DOWN!
  • If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you're going to look up Hitler in the phone book.
  • You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.
  • Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
  • The best you can do is just roll over and let it drip out.
  • Cigarettes are a guilty pleasure now. Kind of like tit-fucking a first-cousin. It's wrong, but it feels so right, and you can't do it once you get past airport security.
  • It's all about diet. You got to eat right. What's the best thing to eat? Chicken and fish. I'm thinking, why not combine the two: penguin. A penguin's a little bit of both, isn't he? He's a bird, yet he swims, he's a buffet of good health.
  • Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
  • I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
  • Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.
  • Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Ashlee Simpson. Here's mine. Fucking her sister Jessica while punching her in the throat.
  • People always come up to me after a show and ask stuff like, (exasperated) "Hey, bro! You wanna smoke some pot?". I mean, I know it's illegal, but it's not that fucking illegal. If you're gonna say it like that, make it something a little more illegal, like "Hey, bro! You wanna eat a bald eagle? C'mon, there's only like eight of them left! Tastes just like freedom!"
  • I was in the Boy Scouts. When you are in the scouts you learn how to survive . . . in any state park in America, I'm talking 200 feet from civilization here people. With nothing but your wits and $1000 worth of camping equipment. Scouts teaches important safety too, like what do you do for a snakebite? Suck out the poison, and with your right hand jiggle his balls!
  • Vegas is like spring break for the country. What we need is a religious spring break, just a week to do all the shit we're not supposed to. Catholics! Wear a condom and talk about evolution, live it up. Jews! Eat a hotdog and play a professional sport. Muslims! Get on a plane, let it land.
  • There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

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