dinnerladies (1998–2000) was a British television sitcom set entirely in the canteen of a factory in Manchester.
- 1 Season 1
- 2 Season 2
- 3 Cast
- 4 External links
- Norman: I fell off a diving board in Guernsey!
- Philippa: Would this be a good moment to talk about Scottish country dancing?
- Jean: No it wouldn't!
- Bren: Twink, what's the soup?
- Twinkle: Minestrone
- Bren: Well why's it not on the menu?
- Twinkle: Can't spell it!
- Tony: I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way! But can we get a grip? Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment one will have pre-menstrual tension, one's panicking because she's not, someone's having a hot flush and someone else is having a nervous breakdown because her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone!
- Jean: [Annoyed] That was a one off!
- Philippa Morcroft: Pressure at work can affect your sex life, they did a questionnaire [reading] "Are you to busy to have an orgasm?"
- Jean: Orgasm? I've not blown my nose since Wednesday!
- Jean: (to the Stripper) Can you play the accordion?
- Stripper: Well, you could see what a liability that could be naked, might trap a nipple.
- Jean: Last big wedding Keith's Auntie ate a coaster.
- Dolly: What?
- Jean: Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.
- Jean: I thought about trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-ivy.
- Bren: I didn't know Keith had an Auntie Ivy.
- Royal: (to Anita) Are you an immigrant?
- Philippa: No, Anita's British!
- Royal: Oh, good. So you don't find it too cold here?
- Anita: [crying] I SAID NIPPLES!
- Royal: How do you feel about wearing a uniform?
- Anita: I think we can all see the sense in it, for hygiene. And it protects your nipples!
- Sheila: Where's my Clint?
- Sheila: I've got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
- Bren: Boiling water?
- Enid: Did you get that skirt from a catalogue?
- Philippa: No.
- Enid: Pity. You could have sent it back.
- Petula: What did Edith Piaf use to say?
- Bren: A handbag?
- Petula: No, that was Edith Evans! No, it was - non, je ne regrette rien. Rien regriette...
- Bren: Who is Babs?
- Petula: Babs? She's from Urmston!
- Jean: (to Tony) Breathe in! Can you smell my Charlie?
- Dolly: I hadn't budgeted for chips calorie-wise!
- Petula: Do excuse me, I man a helpline at midnight.
- Babs: I've come from Urmston.
- Tony: Have you?
- Babs: There's two ways to get there.
- Jean: (while looking in the newspaper for a new job) Something like cleaning, light housework, housekeeping. Here's one, light house-keeper wanted.
- Bren: (Bren leans over to look at the paper) Lighthouse. Keeper.
- Nicola Bodeux: What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?
- Jean: Nothing.
- Nicola Bodeux: You mean you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?
- Jean: No, I mean you wouldn't get one.
- Nicola Bodeux: I'm warning you, I don't mince my punches.
- Stan: Men and women have different brains.
- Dolly: Yes, it was in the Daily Mail. Women can't fold maps, and men can't get interested in headboards.
- Jean: It's like taking Telly Savalas for a shampoo and set.
- Jean: Well we can't all stand around lobbing toast about. Some of us have personal problems.
- Jane: I know we do! But we don't bring them to work! I lost 8 tropical fish last week in a power cut!
- Petula: I'm just saving some oxygen for the foetus. (to "foetus") Alright, baba?
- Customer: Do you have that yogurt for your intestines?
- Dolly: No.
- Customer: It's advertised with singing bacteria.
- Dolly: Where was this?
- Customer: Well, this was in Carlisle.
- Dolly: Well, Carlisle! That's a much more gullible part of the country!
- Tony: So, you're not pregnant, then?
- Bren: Not unless sperm can get through a sash window.
(Twinkle gets a horse figurine from Dolly for Christmas)
- Jean: I got you that two years ago!
- Dolly: Did you?! I suppose if I'd been on HRT I would have remembered!
- Twinkle: How many "n"s in Bren?
(We see later that the sign is spelled "Happy Birthday Brenn")
- Anita: (after Bren telling Bob she's just doing some bacon) You know you were asking about bacon? We haven't got any at the moment but Bren's just doing some.
- Bob: What are you on, a two minute delay?
"(Stan sees Dolly and Jean about to move one of the tables)"
- Stan: Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
- Jean: Is the bus reversing?
- "'Dolly: And it would be nice if we could all spare a thought for the coming of our Lord.
- Twinkle: Oh, not him again. We'll be back on Ragtag and flipping Bobtail in a minute! Can I just finish my coffee?
- Philippa: Never mind your bloody coffee. Get in the bloody bloody bloody frigging car!
- Anita: I don't like 'fart face'. Even after 9:00.
- Stan: A little baby. What a stupid thing to leave on a fire escape!
- Bren: That's what it is. I wish I'd met you before.
- Tony: Before I had chemo?
- Bren: Before I married an alcoholic? I dunno. Twenty years ago? No, not twenty years ago, I had a perm!
- Tony: Twenty years ago, I think I did!
- Tony: Any baby of Petula's would look like something out of the Beano!
- Tony: Did you drive in Anita? How was the traffic?
- Anita: The traffic?
- Tony: Yeah, you know, cars on the road, passing each other?
- Anita: Didn't come that way.
- Tony: Yeah, of course you didn't.
- Phillipa: Oh, is it going again? No, it's okay. Contact lenses.
- Dolly: No, I liked you in glasses.
- Phillipa: Oh, did you?
- Dolly: Hm, they diminished your nostrils.
- Jean: I'll tell you about the time Keith's Auntie Betty from Cockermouth found two albino gerbils under the spare bed.
- Phillipa: Aww. Did they mate?
- Jean: Well they didn't, what with them being two angora bed socks.
- Dolly: (about Christine) She's fascinated with what she calls "The City Beyond the Water".
- Jean: Halifax?
- Twinkle: (to Tony) Oh ha ha, Jeremy Somebody!
- Bren: Jeremy who?
- Twinkle: I dunno, I didn't get to bed until five!
- Anita: Who's that?
- Bren: That's Christine.
- Anita: And what's that smell?
- Bren: That's Christine as well.
- Bren: (about the smell) Have a whiff of raw bacon, it takes the edge off it.
- Twinkle: Who was it? Christine?
- Bren: Yeah. Might be nerves.
- Twinkle: Might be mushy peas!
- Christine: (to Dolly) Your aura is amethyst. Mine's white, the next one up, we have a bond.
- Tony: And this is Jean.
- Christine: (to Jean) No there's no spark there. You're hardly showing an aura at all.
- Christine: This is the old country way - whisking towards the heart.
- Jean: Which silly old country person told you that?
- Tony: At the moment we're stuck with Niffy Nora the Aura Explorer.
- Christine: You're quite shallow, aren't you Brenda. No offense meant!
- Bren: No, but lots taken.
- Christine: I wonder if this would be a good time for me to leave.
- Twinkle: Yeah. Push off and take your bum with you.
- Petula: What ward am I on?
- Paramedic: 8.
- Petula: It's mixed isn't it?
- Paramedic: Yes.
- Petula: Oh, might have a bit of sex. Though after Richard E Grant you don't really want to bother with a load of shagged-out pensioners.
- Tony: Anita, have you got your yogurts out?
- Anita: Sorry?
- Tony: Let me rephrase that, 'can' you get your yogurts out?
- Anita: Do you mean yogurts as in breasts?
- Tony: No, I mean little pots of milky stuff with fruit in, this being a canteen.
- Anita: That's okay. I have no objection to doing that.
- Tony: Anita?
- Anita: Yeah?
- Tony: Feel free to get your breasts out.
- Petula: I'm sorry I haven't been a very good mother. You can't be good at everything and I was A1 with a hula hoop.
- Tony:: Your not too upset, are you, Bren?
- Bren: (shakes head quickly)
- Tony: Then why are you smoking?
- Bren: God, sorry! Haven't done that in awhile.
- Tony: You're not turning into your mother, are you?
- Bren: Maybe I'm possessed. [Mimicking her mother, 'Petula'] Alright, everybody?
- Brenda (Bren) Furlong - Victoria Wood
- Petula Gordino - Julie Walters
- Dolly Bellfield - Thelma Barlow
- Jean - Anne Reid
- Anita - Shobna Gulati
- Phillippa Moorcroft - Celia Imrie
- Twinkle - Maxine Peake
- Tony Martin - Andrew Dunn
- Stan Meadowcroft - Duncan Preston