Down Periscope

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Down Periscope is a 1996| comedy movie starring Kelsey Grammer as the captain of a rust-bucket submarine (called the USS Stingray) who is fighting for his career. Rob Schneider provides comic support as the uptight executive officer, and Lauren Holly as the Navy's first female submarine crewmember.

Story and Screenplay by: Hugh Wilson, Andrew Kurtzman, and Eliot Wald
Directed by: David S. Ward


Admiral Graham: Now, call me a prude if you want, but I don't think it's good policy for the Navy to hand over a billion-dollar piece of equipment to a man who has "Welcome Aboard" tattooed on his penis!

[Capt. Knox dresses down his XO, Lt. Cmdr. Dodge, on his inappropriate behavior and bad language.]
Cmdr. Dodge: Oh gee! Now I've gone and done it — ruined my career.
[Capt. Knox is suddenly nonplussed over a radio message he's reading.]
Capt. Knox: Apparently not. This is just in from ComSubLant. You're to report to Norfolk immediately… to take command of your own submarine.
Cmdr. Dodge: That's not funny.
Capt. Knox: No, it's not. That's why they decoded it twice.

[Dodge gets a look at his "new" boat, the WWII-era diesel submarine Stingray.]
Cmdr. Dodge: Well, no disrespect to the U.S.S. Rustoleum here, but I'd be better off in the Merrimack!

[Adm. Winslow reviews his special mission with Cmdr. Dodge.]
Adm. Winslow: What do you think, Mr. Dodge?
Cmdr. Dodge: I think I'm gonna get my ass kicked, sir.
Adm. Winslow: Aw, don't think like that! Damn it to hell, don't go by the book! Think like a pirate! I want a man with a tattoo on his dick! Have I got the right man?
Cmdr. Dodge: By a strange coincidence, you do, sir.

Cmdr. Dodge: Speaking of age, what do you think about our boat, Pascoe?
XO Pascoe: I feel I need a tetanus shot just from looking at it. The only thing holding her together… are the bird droppings, sir.

Stepanak: Sit on it and rotate, sir.
Cmdr. Dodge: Pascoe! Down, down! Heel!

Stepanak: What's our mission? Rescue Gilligan?

[Dodge congratulates his crew on their Stingray renovation effort.]
Cmdr. Dodge: She may not be the youngest girl at the ball, but… she'll turn a head or two!

[Lt. Emily Lake reports on deck, obviously missing some regulation undergarments.]
Cmdr. Dodge: Lt. Lake… you're almost out of uniform!

Cmdr. Dodge: Alright, gentlemen! Let's kick this pig!

Nitro: Radio's working like a Swiss… car.

Buckman: I'm sorry, sir. The Band-Aid was holding the fingernail on.

[The Stingray is lying silent on the bottom while the Orlando floats above them.]
Sonar: Sir. It's the Orlando. Somebody just dropped 45 cents.
Cmdr. Dodge: You're sure?
Sonar: Oh, yeah. A quarter and two dimes.

[Cmdr. Dodge consoles Lt. Lake on her dive mishap.]
Lt. Lake: Sir? The Murmansk brushing incident. How did you get over that?
Cmdr. Dodge: Got drunk and passed out. Woke up the next morning with a hangover and a tattoo. I wouldn't recommend the tattoo.

Cmdr. Dodge: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. We have fulfilled every requirement of this mission except one — Norfolk. Presently, there are several ships positioned outside the harbor to intercept us. To get in, we're gonna have to use a tactic that is somewhat bizarre and extremely risky. If any of you feel it's not worth it, please let me know now.
Sylvesterson: Uh, actually, sir, I think we prefer to go with the bizarre and risky. It worked for us so far.

[As the Orlando chases the Stingray]
Rear Admiral Yancy Graham: The admiral has the conn!
Commander Carl Knox: With all due respect sir, this is my boat.
Graham: Oh not right now it is not, with all due respect.

Cmdr. Dodge: Alright, everybody, it's time to kick this pig! Leave Graham squealing from the feeling!
R.J. Jackson: Squeaking from the freaking!
Buckman: Oinking from the boinking!

Read Admiral Yancy Graham: You watch yourself, Dodge. You are addressing a superior officer!
Cmdr. Dodge: No, merely a higher ranking one.

[During the Stingray's homecoming]
Rear Admiral Yancy Graham: , Sir, this entire exercise invalid. Dodge left the containment area -
Vice Admiral Dean Winslow: - after you narrowed him down without proper authorization.
Graham: He ignored a direct order!
Winslow: Stow it, Yancy. He had higher orders, and you can forget about that third star.


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