Drake & Josh

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Quotes from Drake & Josh, a Nickelodeon sitcom that stars Drake Bell and Josh Peck. Created by Dan Schneider. The show debuted in 2004 and ended in 2007.

Season One


Megan: [referring to her parents] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?

Mr. Nichols: Think fast! [throws basketball at Drake and accidentally hits lamp]
Drake: Lamps don't think that fast.

Drake: [to Josh, who's dressed as Miss Nancy] Why are you dressed like Queen Latifah?!

[Drake walks in living room]
Walter: Now it's my turn to kiss you!
Audrey: No, it's my turn to kiss you!
Drake: Now it's my turn to throw up.

Josh: If dressing up as a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall!

Dune Buggy

Drake: You didn't get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don't see me exploding!

Josh: I don't know. Lying. It seems so wrong.
Drake: You wanna get grounded?
Josh: But it feels so right.

Drake: Once again, you were not punished because you lied-
Josh: I know. [mockingly] "I got punished because I lied badly." Sing a new song, would ya?

Josh: Do you want to get grounded and end up moppin' floors like me?
Drake: [mockingly] Would I get to wear that purdy apron?

[Drake has just fixed Trevor's dune buggy]
Trevor: Man, the motor sounds great!
Drake: Yeah. You know where it would sound better?
Trevor: ...In the shower.
Drake: On the road!
Trevor: Better!

Drake: What are you smiling about?
Josh: The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
Drake: Yeah, me too.
Josh: Heh?
Drake: Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas... Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.

Believe Me, Brother

Drake: Okay, Josh. I admit, it's kinda cute that you have a little crush on Susan.
Josh: She has a crush on me! AND IT AIN'T LITTLE!

Josh: I know when a girl likes me! I've imagined it a thousand times!

Josh: [from inside his wardrobe, waving his hand around] Can somebody please hand me my underwear?

Josh: We could do a documentary on the reproductive habits of lizards.
Drake: I'm not going to do anything that involves me watching lizards make out!

Susan: Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
Josh: I knew it! [Susan grabs him, he squeaks, and Susan kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
Drake: Susan?!
Susan: EW! Josh, what are you doing? I'm Drake's girlfriend!

Josh: I'd just like to say, BUSTED!!
Susan: Drake, did you hear what he just said to me?!
Drake: Uh, yeah, I think he just said, BUSTED!!

Josh: [singing] Shaving in the bathtub. Oh, oh, oh. Shaving in the bathtub. [making electric razor noises]

[After Susan dumps both of them]
Josh: I think we handled that very maturely.
Drake: Yes, that felt good.
[Susan gets paint sprayed on her from her locker]
Drake: ... That felt better.
Josh: Yeah, it did!

Two Idiots and a Baby

Josh: [dangling from the roof] I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my turtle Sheldon in kindergarten! He went to Heaven, and now my life is bad! [looks up] You happy, Sheldon?! We're even now!
Mr. Nichols: [offscreen] Josh?

[on the phone]
Josh: Goo goo, gaa!
Mrs. Galloway: Aw, he sounds so happy. Hello, Maxie. Hi!
Josh: Mama!
Mrs. Galloway: [gasps] He said "Mama!" That's his first word! Oh, say it again, Maxie!
Josh: MAMA!

[Drake winds the singing bear's head too hard that it breaks off]
Josh: I said wind it! Not murder it!

[after the phone goes into the fish bowl with the baby crying]
Josh: Oh, the baby!
Drake: Oh, the fishes!

Drake: All right. Where is he?
Megan: I think he's dangling in the gutter.
Drake: Not Josh, the baby!
Megan: [innocently] What makes you think that I would have the baby?
Drake: Because you're a divious, twisted little girl.
Megan: [giggles] Why thank you, Drake!

First Crush

Drake: Good luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean girls are just guys without... Just do good.

Drake: Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
Josh: Girlfriend, please.

Josh: I'm not cool, all right? Why do you think old people like me so much?

Josh: It's like girls and I speak different languages. They speak Engish, I speak Idiot.


Grammy: I wasn't born yesterday, you know.
Drake: Yeah, no doubt about that.

Scotty: Those tickets aren't fake.
Drake: Are you sure?
Scotty: I photocopied them myself.

Josh: Hey, where's Drake with our pizza?
Drake: [offscreen] I cannot believe I ate an entire pizza!

Drake: At least we can have some fun before Grammy gets here.
Grammy: [enters] What, you can't remember to lock the door?
Drake: Wow, weren't those two seconds fun.

Josh: Why are you so mean to Drake?
Grammy: Because I know his type. I dated twelve musicians like him before I dated your grandfather.
Josh: I dont think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
Grammy: Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.

Season Two

The Bet

Josh: Drake and I had this contest to see who could hold their breath the longest.
Drake: I won.
Josh: I lost... consciousness.

Drake: Oh, just face it, Josh: you're addicted to video games.
Josh: I am not addicted to them! [grinning] I am in love with them!

Josh: Ooh, look at me, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm gonna have me a big ol' bag of CHEESE BALLS!
Drake: Which you're allergic to. Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I don't need girls; I got me a VIDEO GAME!

Audrey: You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy to play video games all day!
Drake: Josh.
Audrey: Or to sit around swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!
Josh: Drake.
Megan: [to Audrey] I keep telling you, they're bad people.

[Grammy has sent Josh a GameSphere]
Josh: It's a GameSphere!
Drake: No way! The GameSphere doesn't come out for another month.
Josh: Never underestimate Grammy!
Walter: Whoa, hold on. What's a GameSphere?
Josh: Only the most sophisticating gaming experience ever created by humans! And...it's spherical. SPHERICAL!!


Megan: All you have to do is sabotage Drake.
Josh: [grins evilly] Sabotage. Josh like!

Drake: Josh, what did you do? Everything's all candy and junk food.
Josh: [matter-of-factly] Yes. I suppose it is!
Drake: But, Josh, how did you--?
[Josh raises big candy cane infront of Drake]
Josh: Don't ask. [eats a piece of candy] Just enjoy.

[Josh tempts Drake with various sweets]


Helen: You.
Josh: Me?
Helen: That's your name, isn't it?

Josh: Eighth planet from the sun!
Drake: They have eight now?!

Josh: [to guitar] So I just kept applying the ointment..and eventually the rash went away...

Josh: Do you sell guitars here?
Guy at counter: [sarcastically] Here? ...At Guitar World? ...Gee, I don't know.

[Drake is staring at the vintage guitar he just won]
Drake: Josh, I think I'm in love.
Josh: Okay, but if you start making out with the thing, I'm leaving the room.

Josh: You got me into this mess.
Megan: I did? [grins] Cool.

Josh: [to a security guard] Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?

Drake: Hey, could you stare at my guitar for me? I gotta pee.
Josh: You want me to stare at your guitar...for you...while you pee?
Drake: I could pee in here.
Josh: I'll stare.

Movie Job

Helen: Do you have a job?
Josh: No.
Helen: Are you, uh, alright in the head?
Josh: I think so.
Helen: Congratulations. You're hired.
Josh: What?
Helen: Get to work!

Plumber: [going through the drain] Oh here's the problem. You had a beef rib stuck in there. [starts eating it] ...No, actually, it's pork. [keeps eating] ...Yep. Definitely pork. [keeps eating and chuckles]
[Drake & Josh chuckle nervously]
Drake: MOM!
Josh: DAD!

[after Josh tells Drake that Helen is tough and does not just hand out jobs at the theater]
Drake: Hey Helen, can I have a job here?
Helen: Sure, start tomorrow.

Drake: I make my money the old fashioned way.
Josh: How?
Drake: Selling your stuff on eBay.
Josh: Yeah, right. [finds that his stereo is missing]
Josh: Uh, Drake, where's my stereo system?
Drake: Wisconsin.

Helen: You made Crazy Steve quit?!
Josh: You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?!
Helen: Had to. Long story. Not pretty.


[Josh leans against a wall with wet paint. Twice.]
Josh: Okay. How 'bout... PAINTIN' ON THE WEEKENDS?!

[Josh arrives home looking very beat up]
Drake: What happened to you?
Josh: Football happened to me. First I got tackled, then I was trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Drake: So...you didn't make the team.
Josh: Oh, I made the team.
Drake: Really?! That's so cool!
Josh: Yeah! My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's brand-new... [holds up a jersey] E-QUIPMENT MANAGER!
[Drake stares at Josh, incredulous]

Josh: Did you do something to my brownies?
Drake: Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.

Zeke: Hey, who are you kids, and what are you doing in my chocolate factory?

Josh: Being at school at night creeps me out.
Drake: Really? That's how I feel about school during the day.

Josh: I'm not ready to die! I haven't seen Paris!
Drake: They eat snails, the people smell bad, you don't wanna go there.

Zeke: Who are you?
Drake: I'm Drake.
Zeke: And you are...?
Josh: Josh.
Zeke: And I am...?
Drake: ...Zeke. ...You're Zeke.
Zeke: ...Right. And you are...?

Pool Shark

Josh: Hey Drake, wanna take a cooking class together?
Drake: [from another room, in a high-pitched voice] Sorry, Drake moved to Australia.
Josh: That's not even an Australian accent!
Drake: Yes it is...fromage!
Josh: That's French!

Drake: Hey Josh, come play.
Josh: I'm working!
Drake: You're playing!
Josh: ...Okay.

Walter: [needing a last minute anniversary gift for his wife] Uh, go get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste.
Josh: Dad, there's $200 here.
Walter: Well get her some mouthwash too! ...I'm just a man! [runs away]

[While walking out angrily on Drake, Josh trips and falls]
Josh: I may have tripped... but that does NOT diminish the impact of THIS exit!

Smart Girl

Drake: Megan, you can't go around bugging people's rooms. That's a felony!
Megan: It's a funny felony.

Drake: No, I like Michelle. I don't know what it is, her being all smart, it's...kind of intriguing.
Josh: ...Intriguing?
Drake: That's a word, right?

Little Diva

Drake: I thought you were going to get an autograph from Regis.
Josh: I asked. He hit me.
Drake: Yeah, Regis...

Blues Brothers

Josh: [referring to Megan] Such big evil in such a little girl.

Josh: I hated the fourth grade. It was my awkward stage.
Drake: And this is...?

Drake: Why are you going to be on the news? Did you get locked in the monkey cage again?
Josh: Hey, those chimps tricked me! The big one took my corn dog and, I mean, I had to go in there and get it back! And I'd do it again!

Josh: Some people are just born lucky. I am not one of those people.

Josh: I must be dreaming. Pinch me!
Drake: I'm not pinching any part of you.

Driver's License

Josh's Driving Instructor: I hate teenagers.
Josh: Oh yeah, we're the worst!

Josh: [on the phone] Hello? ...Oh, hi Trevor... No, I don't want to see your growth... Look, I don't care if it's still growing. Put it back in the jar!"

Josh: Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test tomorrow.
Drake: [playing a video game] That's what I'm doing. Ooh, just rammed a dragon! Uh oh, bridge is out!
Josh: I seriously doubt our driving test will involve stealing a bus and ramming dragons.
Drake: Do you know that for sure?

#1 Fan

Josh: [holding a too large T-shirt] Is this for me or a sport utility vehicle?!

Drake & Josh's answering machine: [Drake's voice] Hey this is Drake and Josh, leave your name and blah, blah, blah, blah...

Josh: [opens oven] Hello, s'mores! [takes s'mores out without mitt] HELLO PAIN!!

Josh: So Wendy has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.
Drake: Oprah?
Josh: She's an inspiration! Anyway, don't worry. This week she likes you, next week it'll be...
Drake: [mockingly] Oprah?
Josh: Don't mock me!

Mean Teacher

Megan: [with a tomato launcher] Okay, first we aim...next we load the tomatoes...and now, we wait for the boob.
[Josh enters the room, and Megan shoots a tomato at him and misses]
Megan: Aw, man! I missed your head. How could I have missed your giant head?
Josh: Okay, first of all, my head is only slightly larger than average. Second-
[Megan shoots more tomatoes, and keeps missing]
Megan: Darn it! I gotta go read the manual.
Josh: Wait, aren't you going to clean this up?
Megan: It's your room.
[she leaves, and Drake enters and sees the tomato mess]
Drake: ...Who exploded?

Audrey: Where are you going?
Drake: Break up with my girlfriend.
Audrey: Have fun.

Drake: So, uh... nice night we're having?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.

Josh: [to his date] I forgot whether you'd asked for regular or diet soda, so I went for the diet because you're a model, so you're probably watching your figure... I mean, not that you need to watch your figure, I mean, you have a great body... I mean, not that I was looking at it, I was just...I was just...Aw, jeez!

Mrs. Hayfer: Why don't you tell the class your favorite novel from the 20th century?
Drake: Uh, Catcher in the Rye.
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong.
Drake: But...but you just asked....
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong!
Drake: But you...
Mrs. Hayfer: Was I speaking to you?
Drake: Kinda!

[Drake knocks at Kelly's door, only to have Mrs. Hayfer answer it]
Mrs. Hayfer: Drake?!
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer?! What are you doing here?!
Mrs. Hayfer: I live here! What are you doing here?
Kelly: Oh, hi Drake!
Mrs. Hayfer: That's your boyfriend?!
Drake: That's your mother?!
Mrs. Hayfer: Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Drake: Oh, I'm right there with you.

Mrs. Hayfer: Drake, what language were Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssy written in?
Drake: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong! Todd?
Todd: Uhhh, Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: Correct!

The Gary Grill

Josh: You made my customer leave.
Drake: So, who cares?
Josh: I do. Helen's been all over my butt to sell more snacks.
Drake: Uh, you really shouldn't use the words 'butt' and 'snacks' in the same sentence.
Josh: [annoyed] HEADACHES!

[Gary Coleman is about to confiscate their new translucent chair]
Josh: Please, can we keep the chair?
Gary Coleman: Have you sat in it?
Josh: Yeah.
Gary Coleman: [in disgust] Keep it.

Drew and Jerry

Josh: I repeat words for emphasis. EMPHASIS!

Josh: [to Drake] What, is he wearing my underwear too?
Jerry: No, I don't wear underwear when I sleep.
Josh: Okay then. Three words: KEEP... THE PAJAMAS!

Megan: [to Drake] Oh, and if you ever pick me up and kiss me like that again, you're going to wake up breathing through a tube.

Megan: Look at him, boobin' it up out there!

Honor Council

Walter: You have been known to 'act out'.
Drake: Like when?
Walter: You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
Drake: By accident!
Audrey: You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
Drake: To make money!
Walter: Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
Drake: Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.

Mindy: I think when you were a baby, your mother dropped you on your head, then fed you a bottle of stupid juice, then sucked your brain out with a vacuum.
Josh: Oh yeah, well... Oh yeah, well... Oh yeah?!
Mindy: Good comeback, Josh.
Josh: Oh YEAH?!

Mrs. Hayfer: Well, Drake.... this isn't easy for me to admit, but I was wrong. I'm sorry.
Drake: Oh, thank you...
Mrs. Hayfer: I still hate you.
Drake: I know.

Season Three

Josh: You're the best, you know that?
Drake: Well...yes.

Drake: It's fun locking Josh in closets.

Josh: You want a mouthful of fist?!
Drake: You want a buttful of foot?!

Drake: You calling me a liar?!
Josh: I ain't calling you a truther!

Audrey: So, how was school?
Drake: [to Josh] You're the worst!
Josh: [to Drake] You sicken me!
Audrey: I see.

Josh: [waiting for surgery] Oh, they're going to carve me up like a Christmas ham!

Josh: I hope you go bald!
Drake: I hope they cancel Oprah!
Josh: [stands up] Take that back!

Megan: [referring to Josh] Such a small brain in such a big boob.

Josh: [in a foreign accent] I kissed your wife.

Josh: I've lost my sightless loopy boss!

Drake: We have a serious gas leak in the Drake and Josh inn.
Fat guy: Oh, sorry. I think it was me.

Drake: You hear that? It's saying, [holds $200 bill like a hand puppet] "Spend me, Josh. Won't you spend me?"
Josh: [snatches it from him] Money's not a puppet!

Drake: Hey Josh, come here.
Josh: [walks over] Yeah?
Drake: Check out this family picture.
Josh: What about it?
Drake: I look good.

Botanist: I've got a big date tonight.
Megan: Dinner with your mom?
Botanist: ...Yes.

Helen: Drake Parker, I love you like the son I never wanted.

Josh: I needed to ask Drake about our homework.
Drake: I don't do homework.

Sammy: You can help me with my homework.
Drake: I don't even do my own homework!

[Drake and Josh find monitors in Megan's room]
Drake: I wonder what this button does. [presses a button; Josh gets shocked by a buzzer hidden in his trousers]
Josh: So THAT'S why that's been happening! ...I thought it was puberty.

Megan: See? It's fun to use your brain.

Josh: How dare you marry my e-woman?!

Josh: Have you ever been in Megan's room before?
Drake: Once, when she was five.
Josh: And?
Drake: She pushed me out the window and told Mom I fell.

Josh: [takes the phone from Megan and shoves it down his pants] Now, you may have the phone back after we're done talking to you.
Megan: I wouldn't want that phone back if I were dying on the kitchen floor.

Helen: Josh! Why aren't you working?!
Josh: It's my day off.
Helen: Oh, and so you think that's an excuse not to be working?!
Drake: Hi, Helen.
Helen: WHAT IS IT?!

Josh: You know I have a spastic tongue.
Drake: How many spastic parts can one person have?
Josh: ...Seven.

Josh: Look, we had $200, alright? ...Which you promptly threw away on bubblegum, a wristwatch, a telescope, and a Mexican robot!
Drake: Aw, come on, man, this is cool! [presses a button]
Robot: Mi nombre es Roberto Roboto.
Josh: Yeah, that is pretty cool.
Robot: Gracias.

Drake: Josh, I'm in serious trouble!
Josh: Whose girlfriend did you hit on now?

Drake: You're kind of a girl, right?
Mindy: Well if not I've been buying the wrong underwear.

Josh: I'm not much of an actor.
Director: Neither is Jennifer Lopez.
Josh: True that.

Drake: What's acting? You show up, you say some stuff, you go home.

[Drake and Josh are frantically searching for Megan, thinking she's up to something]
Drake: See her anywhere?
Josh: No, but that's when she's most dangerous!

Josh: Uh oh. I just had a bad thought.
Megan: What? That you might grow old, never marry, and die alone?
Josh: No... But thank you for pointing out that possibility.

Helen: [to Josh] You have upset me in ways I can't even understand, boy!!

Mindy: You can't end a relationship with a phone call.
Drake: Duh, I'm gonna text message her.

Josh: [to Drake] You see what you do?! One night, just one night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! You know how important this dinner was to me because it was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents! I spent like two hours on this dinner, $100 on an ice sculpture, and $300 on a dumb harpist who at this point should STOP...PLAYING! [the harpist stops] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, 'cause she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and now I can't date her because you wrecked it! You wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
Drake: ...You spent $100 on ice?
[Josh snaps and attacks him]

Megan: I'm studing astronomy.
Drake: Ah. The study of stars and planets.
Josh: [sarcastically] Yes. It's exciting to know things!

Drake: ...I wonder what ketchup would taste like on a foot.

Drake: [carrying a skeleton] Where do you want the dead guy?

[Megan is scared that aliens might eat her face]
Josh: Megan, there's no such things as aliens.
Walter: And if there were, they wouldn't just eat your face; they'd eat all of you. [everyone stares at him] Well...why stop at the face?

Josh: [seeing Drake kissing a girl] Drake?
Drake: Yeah?
Josh: You just met her and you're already kissing?
Drake: I gave her a soda.

Josh: Are you...are you copying my answers?
Drake: No...I'm just comparing your answers with the answers I'm about to write.

Megan: So when are the lobsters gonna be done?
Drake: Yeah, I'm hungry.
Josh: I do not control the speed at which lobsters die!

Megan: Listen to me. If either of you get on one of my nerves this weekend, you'll both wake up tomorrow very confused...in Cuba.

Megan: Wanna help me with something?
Drake: I can't, I'm doing my homework.
Megan: You're watching TV.
Drake: Oh, well that explains why I'm failing math, doesn't it?

Josh: [referring to Drake] He pees...near the toilet!

Drake: I'm not going to risk getting grounded again. Do you know what it's like going two weeks without girls?
Josh: [shakily] ...Yes...Yes I do.
Drake: ...Oh, that's right. Sorry.

Movie: Drake & Josh Go Hollywood

Josh: Can I ask your opinion on something serious?
Megan: Is this about your rash?
Josh: No!

Megan: Do you ever clean this car? It's full of garbage.
Drake: Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!
Megan: [holding up dead bird] Like this dead bird?
Drake: Aw, Tweeter died!

Megan: Excuse me? I think the captain made a mistake. This plane is going to Denver, right?
Attendant: No, we're in route to Los Angeles.
Megan: Los Angeles?
Attendant: Yes.
Megan: ...Not Denver?
Attendant: No.
Megan: ...Those dumb boobs.
[The flight attendant looks down her shirt in confusion]

[after airport security had arrested Drake and Josh]
Officer: I hope you boys learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.
Drake: Oh, we learned... Especially during that strip search.
Josh: ...Which was shockingly thorough.
Officer: We do our best. Have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.
Josh: [angrily] Yeah, thanks.

Audrey: [on why she won't go on a cruise] Boats sink.
Walter: It's a ship. And ships don't sink.
Audrey: Titanic!
Walter: That was just a movie.
Audrey: Based on a true story.
Walter: ...For real?!

Josh: Where were you?
Drake: I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.
Josh: It took you more then an hour to get one corn dog?!
Drake: I also had a drink.

Drake: Okay, let's go and get Megan!
Josh: Okay, but first...
Drake: What?
Josh: I gotta pee really bad.
Drake: Well, can't you hold it?
Josh: Yeah, I... [strained] No!

Josh: I can't believe we're on the run in a stolen vehicle!
Drake: Look, it's not stolen! We just borrowed it.

Season Four

Drake: (hanging from a fan) JOSH, WHERE'D YOU GO?!
Josh: I'm in the kitchen!

(after Josh goes to ask Helen for his paycheck)
Josh: Ummm, Helen? I worked five days this week.
Helen: So...
Josh: You only paid me for three.
Helen: I know. That way I save money.

Drake: We want to buy our own car.
Walter: You had your own car.
Drake: ...Which I lost.

Gavin: Hey, Drake.
Drake: What's up, Gavin?
Gavin: Your mom's hot.
Drake: (shocked) Dude!
Gavin: What is she, like, 5'2"? 5'10"?
Drake: (sarcastically) I'll measure her later and let you know.
Gavin: Don't forget.

Josh: I've seen the birthmark on your back, Drake. It does not look like a giraffe raking leaves.

Mailman: Package for Josh Nichols.
Josh: Thanks, have a good day.
Mailman: Don't tell me what to do.

Josh: Drake! Drake! You are not going to believe this!
Drake: (excited) Mrs. Hayfer died?!

Drake: (to Josh) Whoa! Your cheeks make different sounds when they're slapped. (continually slaps Josh's cheeks) See? They're like a semitone apart-
Josh: (slapping his hands away) Are you done assaulting my face?!

Drake: I'm gonna see if I can fix the car.
Josh: You can't fix a sandwich!
Drake: If you make fun of me one more time, I'm gonna tell everyone we know that you named your favorite pillow 'Mr. Puff Puff'.
Josh: Sorry if I offended you.

Josh: You know Megan, you could just knock.
Megan: Yeah, and you could have a normal-sized head, but you don't, now do you?
(Josh looks at Drake)
Drake: ...You don't.

Police Officer: Hey, isn't your dad the weatherman on Channel 7?
Josh: Yeah, he is.
Police Officer: He said it wasn't going to rain on my kid's birthday, but it did rain.
Josh: Well...I'm sorry.
Police Officer: Yeah... Me too.

Audrey: Oh, Drake, you don't eat a hot dog wearing a tuxedo!
Drake: This hot dog's not wearing a tuxedo.

Megan: What are you eating?
Drake: Big cookie.
Megan: That was my big cookie!
Drake: (spits the cookie out) Want it back?

Gavin: (to Walter) What up with your hair?
Walter: ...What up with yours?
Gavin: "Touché."
Walter: ...It's 'toosh'.

Leslie: Listen, boy, I was named after my father who was named after his father, and they both fought in wars.
Drake: Okay, all I'm saying is I've dated like, five Leslies. All girls.
Leslie: Okay, uh... You know, I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye.
Josh: No! No, no, no please, wait, don't leave-
Leslie: ROT IN A SACK! (gets in his tow truck and leaves)
Josh: You had to make fun of the man's name?!

Police officer: Wait...aren't you the weather guy from Channel 2?
Walter: That's right. I am. (the officers laugh at him, then leave) Why does everyone do that?!

Drake: I got a gig at the San Diego Women's Correctional Facility.
Walter: That's a prison.
Drake: A women's prison!

Megan's First Kiss

Megan: (after Drake & Josh ruin her first kiss for the second time) "I'm going to do such illegal things to them."

Josh: Not when we caught you steppin' out on our sister!
Drake:..."steppin' out"?

(Drake & Josh are disguised as Amish with Irish Accents; to Megan's new boyfriend as he looks at them confused)
Josh: What are ya gocking at!
Drake: Mind your peepers!

Megan: I love you guys. [kisses Drake and Josh on their cheeks and leaves the room]
Drake: Did you hear that? Megan just said that she loves us.
Josh: Yeah. [starts tearing up]
Drake: Hey, you're crying!
Josh: He kicked me in the throat.

Drake: Which locker do you think is Megan's?
Josh: (sarcastic) Gee, I don't know. Maybe the one she's standing in front of and putting books into!
Drake: You know, sometimes your sarcasm hurts!

Drake: What do you think she meant by 'the stuff'?
Josh: Poison?
Drake: Explosives?
Josh: Explosive poison...

Mindy loves Josh

Drake: Man, soaking your hands and feet in lizard urine is so boring.

Drake: When a girl tells you she loves you, that is the time to cut and run!

Josh: (trying to think how to explain his feelings to Mindy) Mindy, it's great that you love me and all, and I have strong feelings for you too, but... No, that sounds lame... Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, and...

Audrey: (holding two buckets of lizard urine) Drake, these buckets were in your room. What's in them? The truth!
Drake: (hesitant) ...Lizard pee.
Audrey: (disgusted, hands buckets to Drake) Counseling twice a week.
Drake: But Mom, Dr. Stein makes me talk through puppets!

Josh Runs Over Oprah

Josh: This is my worst birthday ever.
Drake: Is it because you ran over Oprah?
Josh: No, because it's a little humid- YES, IT'S BECAUSE I RAN OVER OPRAH!!

Josh: (after Megan gives him a cake that explodes) I don't blame you so much for doing it... as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

(after Drake sends everyone in the hospital fleeing by saying Josh has a flesh-eating virus)
Female nurse: That's him! That's the boy with the flesh-eating virus!
Male nurse: The one with the big head?
Female nurse: Yes!
Josh: Okay, it's not that big, first of all, and- (he is knocked onto a table and pulled away) WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! DRAKE, WHAT ARE YOU-?! NO, I'M FEELING BETTER! WAIT, DRAKE, HELP!
Male nurse: We gotta dip that man in a chemical bath, stat!
Male nurse: Stat!
(they continue to pull Josh away as he screams)
Drake: (sees a tray of food on the floor) Hey, mashed potatoes. (he picks them up and eats them, wandering away)

Josh: Do you have any idea what it's like?! Being given a chemical bath?! It stings! [pause] EVERYWHERE!!!

Vicious Tiberius

Drake: So why did they name it New Jersey if there never was a plain old Jersey?"
Josh: "I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting.

(Drake, Josh, and an animal control guy are trapped in Mrs. Hayfer's bathroom by her vicious dog)
Animal Control Guy: I've never seen anything this scary, and I fought in 'Nam!
Drake: 'Nam?
Animal Control Guy: You know, Vietnam.
Drake: Where is that, New Jersey?

Drake: (hanging from a fan) JOSH, HELP! I'M DANGLING AND ROTATING!

The Wedding

Drake: (referring to Trevor) We could borrow his car.
Josh: His girlfriend sleeps in it.
Drake: Oh, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.

Eric Punches Drake

Eric: I knew my popularity wasn't going to last.
Drake: That's okay. You were never meant to be popular.

The Great Doheny

Doheny: (to Drake) Pick a card. (he does so) Now put it back. (he does so) Very good.
Drake: ...So what's my card?
Doheny: Cough.
(Drake starts coughing, and a crumpled up card comes out, which he then opens)
Doheny: Is that your card?
Drake: Yeah, but could you do me a favor and not make things come out of my body?

Who's Got Game

Drake: Just give up before you embarrass yourself.
Josh: Oh no, I never give up before I embarrass myself.

I Love Sushi

Drake: When life gives you free nachos, you don't question it.

Drake: (referring to their parents) We always get them something nice [for their anniversary].
Josh: Last year you gave them a coupon book...that you found in the dumpster.
Drake: So? Walter got 40% off a shovel, and Mom got two salamis for the price of one.
Josh: (sarcastically) Yes, well, nothing says 'Happy Anniversary' like two salamis and a shovel.
Drake: That's what I'm saying!

Battle of Panthatar

Crazy Steve: So Josh, I heard you're going to be on Dude I'm Sixteen.
Josh: Yeah.
Crazy Steve: I LOVE THAT SHOW!
Josh: I know. Listen, you've seen Galaxy Wars right?
Josh: I know. And some actual red skynots are going to be [at the party] to reinact a scene.
Crazy Steve: Battle of Panthatar?
Josh: Yeah.
Josh: (annoyed) I know.

The Storm

Eric: Okay everybody, the bus leaves in 40 minutes, so everyone have a taste of Josh's famous limeade!
Helen: This limeade tastes like mucus. (pours it in a fern) You just watch. That fern's going to be dead by nightfall.

Steered Straight

Josh: We're rebels.
Drake: Criminals.
Josh: Hardend.

The Demonator

While Drake and Josh sneak out to ride the Demonator rollercoaster, two nerds, Craig and Eric are bribed with science fiction movies to stay behind and keep Drake and Josh's ancestor company. Little do they know, but they will have to face off against the greatest enemy known to geek: Papa Nickels (PN), Drake and Josh's great-grandfather.

(Papa Nickels 'PN' is sleeping on the couch. He wakes up, and jumps off the couch with unfathomable agility.)
PN: Gah! I'm lost! Where's my unit?!
Craig: Unit?
Eric: His medication from the surgery must have induced amnesia!
(PN picks up a large, brown shoe, and holds it to his ear like a walkie-talkie)
PN: General Patton! Where are you?!
Craig: He thinks he's back in World War II!
(Papa Nickels glances around the room, and then focuses on Craig and Eric.)
PN: E-gadd! I've been captured by two German nerds!
Craig: We're not German!
PN: That is exactly what a GERMAN would say!
(PN grabs Craig, and throws him over the couch)
Eric: Sir, we're not German!
(PN grabs Eric, and hurls him, martial arts style, over his head and onto the floor, back first, knocking the breath out of the nasaly man.)
PN: You'll never take me! USA USA USA!!!
(PN runs off screaming USA.)

Craig and Eric are wondering around the kitchen, searching for PN.
Eric: Papa Nickels! Where are you?
Craig: We're not German! We're honor students!
(The two geeks stand near each other.)
Craig: Where could he be? We've searched all over!
(Craig and Eric look up: Papa Nickels falls from above, probably clinging onto the ceiling or second-floor railing. He crushes the nerds.)
(PN stands up)
(Papa Nickels once again runs off. Craig spots him just as he leaves. He notices that he is ascending the staircase to the second floor.) Craig: Eric! He's heading up the stairs! Go after him!
Eric: I'm not going after him!
(After some hesitation, Craig sighs and heads up the second floor, toward Drake and Josh's room.)
Craig: The war's over! We're not German!
(Craig walks over to Drake and Josh's sofa, where a lump is covered in a sheet.)
Craig: There you are!
(Upon removal of the sheet, it is revealed that PN is not there. It is merely a bunch of pillows assembled to look like PN when under the sheet. It was a classic deception!)
Craig: What? Where-
(PN lunges from an unseen location. He grabs Craig, and holds his hands behind his back.)
Craig: Aaahh!
(PN forces Craig to a window, and throws him out of it. The poor nerd plummets from two stories up. A resounding "thud" is heard, coupled with some moaning. PN whips out that shoe once more.) PN: General Patton! I've got another one!

Later... (The scene lights up again. Craig and Eric are shown bound and gagged upon two wooden chairs.)
PN: For the last time! Tell me where General Patton is!
Craig: We're not German! We're from Londale!
Eric: Actually, I'm from North Londale, it's a funny stor-
(A cell phone can be heard ringing.)
PN: What's that noise?
(PN glances around in sheer panic.)
PN: Where's that racket coming from?!
Eric: That's just my cell phone, Papa Nickels! It's in my shirt pocket!
(Papa Nickels reach's into Eric's pocket and pulls out his phone.)
PN: This ain't no phone! It's a hand grenade!!
Craig: It's just a cell phone!
(Papa Nickels hurls that phone like a baseball pitcher, and it smashes into tiny pieces against a wall. Craig and Eric just sit there, aghast. PN runs off screaming once more.)
(Craig and Eric are left alone, tied to chairs. Papa Nickels lays down on the couch and falls asleep.)
Eric: Aww, man! He broke my picture-phone!
Craig: The one with our vacation photos on it? Niagra Falls?
(Eric sadly nods.)
Craig and Eric: Aww...

Drake and Josh's parents are back at home, Craig and Eric escaped seconds before.
(After some dialog, Father walks over to PN, who is sound asleep.)
Father: I guess I'll have to move ol' Papa Nickels into the guest bedroom now.
(Father gently nudges PN.) Father: Wake up Papa Nickels, please...
(Suddenly, PN delivers a solid sucker punch straight into Father's face. He drops to the floor.) PN: Ha! Take that, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!


Drake: I think I can land this thing; you've seen me play Helicopter Rescue. Josh: What?! That's a video game! Drake: So? If I can fly a helicopter, land on top of the Empire State Building, rescue the princess while a giant lobster's shootin' rockets at me, I think I can land this thing on a freeway, all right? Josh: I won't argue with that logic! Drake: We're on "E"! Josh: Well, maybe "E" means 'extra fuel'! TELL ME "E" MEANS 'EXTRA FUEL'!!!!!!!!

Major Cast Members

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