Starring Dudley Moore as "Stanley Moon", and Peter Cook as "George Spiggott" (The Devil)
- Stanley Moon: [reading Faustian contract] I, Stanley Moon, hereinafter and in the hereafter to be known as 'The Damned'— " The damned?
- George Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you has been a lie. Including that.
- Stanley Moon: Including what?
- George Spiggott: That everything I've ever told has been a lie. That's not true.
- Stanley Moon: I don't know what to believe.
- George Spiggott: Not me, believe me!
Starring Dudley Moore as "Arthur", and Sir John Gielgud as "Hobson", his servant.
- Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a bath.
- Hobson: I'll alert the media.
- Arthur: Do you want to run my bath for me?
- Hobson: It's what I live for.
- I haven't had that many women— only as many as I could lay my hands on.
- I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
- In the course of an average lifetime anyone growing up in a house with such a clock will hear the tune over a million times.
- Of clocks using "Westminster Chimes".
- The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.