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Every perfect life is a parable invented by God.
Simone Weil
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EastEnders is a popular British soap opera which was first broadcast on 19 February 1985.

Johnny Allen

[Johnny has just beaten Peggy Mitchell to buy the Vic.]
Johnny: Peggy, what are you having?
Peggy: I'd rather burn in hell than take a drink from you!
Johnny: Really? Why wait till then?!

[Johnny is talking to Sharon Rickman about her husband, Dennis.]
Johnny: I want him out of my sight before the new year. Come midnight you're gone! Understand?
Sharon: He wouldn't run away from ya.
Johnny: I'm givin ya a chance 'ere, Sharon. I suggest you take it, or else that kid grows up without a father!

[Johnny has been arguing with Sean.]
Johnny: I'm still who I am, I'm still who I am!!

Ruby Allen

Ruby can't stop talking to my mum and dad and I've got an English exam to fail!

[Ruby has been arguing with Stacey Slater, whose brother, Sean, she is dating.]
Ruby: I'll take him away from your mum... and you're really sure he won't go? Didn't think so.
Sean: Sorry. It's for the best.
Ruby: Told ya.
Stacey: We were such good friends, Ruby.
Ruby: We were. But, I don't want to be part of your little life no more, and neither does he.

Ruby: I wont be comin' back 'ere. You're gonna lose everythin'. I won't be comin' back 'ere.

Ruby: See if I care, I'm Johnny Allen's daughter—and none of you can touch me!

[Ruby is flirting with Grant Mitchell in the club.]
Ruby Allen: I've just had an exam on Hamlet. It's an interesting story, Hamlet....
[Grant goes to the bar and gets himself a drink]
Ruby: Hey, I hope you're going to pay for that drink.
Grant [sarcastically]: Do I look like I'm going to pay?
Ruby [flirting again]: Oh, you're trying to be all hard but I know you're just a softy inside!
[Grant turns to go]
Ruby: Hey... you should be at work! Grant, get back here, I own this club and I say you work.
Grant: Well, I'm going home.
Ruby: I'll... I'll fire you!
[Grant's gone; Ruby turns to Jake]
Ruby: He can't get away with that!
Jake Moon: Sweetheart, do you not think he's a bit old for you?

Ruby: I'm a stupid bitch

Ian Beale

Steven: Hello, Dad. Had a nice day?
Ian: 'Pass.'

[Ian to Max Branning on his affair with Stacey]

Ian: It's too late,Max,you're fired!

Ian [to Laura, on New Year's Eve 2000]: This time last year, I was getting married and divorced in a matter of minutes!

[Ian is discussing Steven, after the poison pen letters]
Ian Beale: He's not mine, though, is he? He's Cindy's little brat!
[Ian turns round, and Steven is standing there.]

Ian Beale [to Andy]: You're a big bully with a bog brush!

Ian Beale: Haven't you got a fake jewellery stall to run?

[Minty Peterson has asked Ian for advice on weddings.]
Ian Beale: Yes, I've had three wives. One cheated on me, one didn't make it past reception, and one shot me. What would you like to know?

[Ian describes Phil Mitchell.]
Ian Beale: He's in the Vic. Chubby fella, round face. Looks like he's chewing a wasp.

Ian Beale [to Lucy]: You're not old enough to have your own opinions!

Ian Beale: Come on, it's only a measly 20 quid.
Keith Miller: Maybe to you, Beale Gates.

Stacey Slater: Did it hurt?
Ian Beale: No, not much.
Stacey Slater: Then why were you rolling around on the pavement, crying like a girl?

Peggy Mitchell: What would the customers think? Blood all over the bar.
Ian Beale: 'They'd think "I'm in the Queen Vic!"

Ian Beale: Are you splitting up with me?'
Jane Collins: Is that what you're saying?
Ian: No, that's not what I'm saying!
Jane: Well, what are you saying then?
Ian: What I'm saying is... I love ya.
Ian Beale: So what're we gonna do now?
Jane Collins: We open up.
Ian: Be completely honest?
Jane: No, I mean the caff!

Jane Collins: There are things you don't know about me. There's things you just don't understand.
Ian Beale: Like what? Got some big dark secret, have ya? That you're actually a bloke?

Jane Collins: You're going to be the most hated man in Walford.
Ian Beale: I've held that title since the mid-nineties!

Billy Mitchell: Apparently one of the Mitchells bumped off his [Den's] best mate. Some geezer called Roly.
[Ian bursts out laughing]
Billy Mitchell: You've got one sick sense of humour, mate!
Ian Beale: Roly was his poodle, you muppet!

[Ian sees Jane on the street with an unknown woman after overhearing Lucy talk about her hen night.]
Ian: Why is my thirteen-year-old daughter talking about strippers?
Jane: Ian, meet my mother!

Linda (Jane's mum) [looking at a photo of Lucy]: And this is your daughter.
Ian: Yes.
Linda: Who was talking about strippers!
Ian: Uh, yeah....
Linda: You've two sons as well, I hear.
Ian: Well, three actually, but only two of them live with me.
Linda: It's so hard to get Jane to tell me anything about you. All I know is that your wife died.
Ian: Two of them did.
Linda: You've been married twice?
Ian: Three times.
Linda: Three times! You damn fool So Jane will be number four!

Lucy Beale

[Lucy has been discussing the birds and the bees with Laura.]
Lucy Beale: Daddy, Daddy, I know how babies are made! Daddy's seed and Mummy's egg. It's called sex!

[Lucy is talking to Jane, after the death of Jane's husband]
Lucy Beale: My mum died when I was little.... I still miss her.

(to Sam Mitchell)(shouting) Oi! Kate needs more cups!

Lucy Beale: I do like Jane. It's just... what's the point of getting to know her? I mean Laura, Mel, Mum... they've all gone.

[Ian and Jane are arguing.]
Peter Beale: How much longer do you give them?
Lucy Beale: About a month at most.

Lucy Beale: You and Jane are splitting up.... You always split up with them.... You let us get close and then they leave, Dad.... Don't think we've forgotten about Laura.... You chucked her out on Christmas Day and then you made us sit there and eat turkey.

Lucy Beale: The important part isn't the winning. It's the taking part and having fun.
Ian Beale: Who told you that?
Lucy Beale: Well... you did!

Lucy Beale Is your boyfriend coming?
Pauline Fowler: I haven't got a boyfriend.
Lucy Beale: Yeah, you have. Dad said. Dad said you kissed!
[Pauline looks furious; Ian looks uncomfortable; Lucy sheepishly cuddles up to Dot.]

[Lucy comments on Ian's suggestion to take Ben to the farm.]
Lucy Beale: Dad, he's used to lions and giraffes. A cow and a couple of chickens isn't exactly going to be a big wow!

[Lucy is reading her Dad's speech.]
Lucy Beale: This is rubbish!
Ian Beale: What?
Lucy Beale: Why does Jane get a mention and I don't?
Ian Beale: Because Jane has to put up with me every day.
Lucy Beale: But what about me? I have to put up with you every day too!

[The twins have just learnt of Ian and Jane's engagement.]
Peter Beale: It's great.
Lucy Beale: Yeah, terrific. We like going to Dad's weddings!

Ian Beale: I've asked Jane to move in with me.
Lucy Beale [to Jane]: I hope you said no!

Melanie Beale: Kids, we need to talk....
Lucy Beale: Are we going to get told off?

Sam Hunter: Between you and me, when I was your age, I was trying to pull exactly the same kind of trick.
Lucy Beale: Yeah? Well, when I'm your age, I'd better not be working in a smelly fish and chip shop.

Peter Beale: Do you think Betty knew that Auntie Pauline was in the coffin?
Lucy Beale: She must have. She kept barking at it.

Lucy Beale: When I fail my GCSEs, I'll say it's 'cos I'm from a dysfunctional family.

Stella Crawford has just seen Lucy drinking alcohol)

Stella: Everything alright?
Lucy: Go away, you nosy old bat!

(talking to Craig Dixon)

Lucy: You know, I can remember Dad coming home from work, tucking me in and kissing me, and he always smelt of chip fat. I sweared to God I would never do that.

(to Ian and Jane)

Lucy: It's better than being spineless drips like you two!

[Lucy has just interupted Peter, her twin, and Lauren, her best friend, kissing.]
Lucy: Have you seen Steven?
Peter: No.
Lucy: Not surprised.

[Lucy and Lauren are talking about boys.]
Lucy: You can only pull geeks like my brother.

(to Ian Beale after he was dumped by Jane) Lucy:This is some achivement even for you dad. Getting Dumped before your wedding!

Peter Beale

[Cindy is kidnapping Steven and Peter.]
Steven Beale: Mummy, where are we going?
Cindy Beale: We're going on a little adventure.
Peter Beale: Are we going to see Daddy?
Cindy Beale: No, darling. Daddy's not going to be coming with us. It'll be just us. Just us together at last.

Lucy Beale: Are we poor?
Peter Beale: Don't worry I've got money in my piggy bank.

[Bobby is crying.]
Peter Beale: Can't you shut him up?!

Peter Beale [aged ten]: We're not kids!

[Ian and Jane have revealed they are moving in together.]
Peter Beale: It was pretty obvious, really, wasn't it?

[Peter's karate instructor has mistaken Jane for his mum.]
Peter Beale: Just so long as he doesn't say I look like you!

Peter Beale: You're horrible.
Lucy Beale: It's not my fault I don't like Jane.
Peter Beale: Give her a chance, Lucy. Just give her a chance.

[Ian and Phil have declared a truce.]
Jane Collins: Peter's through there. You can go and see him if you like.
Ben Mitchell: Cool, can I play?
Peter Beale: No!
Ben Mitchell: Why?
Peter Beale: Because I haven't finished yet.
Phil Mitchell: Finally, peace and quiet between the Mitchells and Beales(!)
Peter Beale: Give it here, you prat! (yeh get in there. init)

Abi Branning

  • (Abi and Ben are about to set fire to Stella Crawford's things)
Abi: Goodbye smelly cow!
Ben: Yeah goodbye stinking witch!
  • (About Ben's abuse)
Abi:It's mental and physical cruelty.
  • (To Stella, chanting and shouting)

Abi:Witch, witch were do you fly? Over the clouds and under the sky! You're a horrible, wrinkly old witch!

  • (Abi has just given Ben a stone of courage)

Ben:What's that? Abi:A stone of courage. I've put magic in it. It'll make you brave. And if it doesn't work just throw it at her(Stella's) head. Tell, Ben.

  • (Abi is going to play with Ben)

Peggy:Right, Abi, you're the guest. What do you fancy doing first? Abi:going home!

  • (Ben is pushing Abi)

Abi:Get off me Ben. Don't push me! Get off or I'm telling!

Dot Branning (previously Cotton)

[Dot is playing Monopoly at Christmas 1999.]
Dot Branning: I wish someone would land on my Water Works.

Dot Branning: I ain't no 'Sex Bomb'. I'm a respectable married woman.

Dot Branning: Ooh, I say!

Dot Branning: Take me home, Jim Branning!

Dot Branning: Luke, chapter 4, verse 23: "Physician, heal thyself."
Zoe Slater: Zoe, chapter 1: "Shut your cakehole!"
Dot Branning: How rude... .

Jim Branning: You gonna 'ave a go, are ya, girl?
Dot Branning: I ain’t no sex bomb! I’m a respectable married woman!

Ethel Skinner: Well, the last boat I was on was the Titanic.
Dot Cotton: Ethel, the Titanic sank in 1912. Even you ain't that old!

Jim Branning

[Jim sees a guy made in the form of Frank Butcher on Bonfire Night.]
Jim Branning: Who's that meant to be? Saddam Hussein?

[Service is slow at the Vic.]
Jim Branning: If we put the guy behind the bar and Frank on the bonfire, we'd be served a lot quicker!

Lauren Branning

  • (to Abi after Abi had taken her MP3 player)
  • Lauren: You're gonna end up busting it like the last one.

Abi: It was your fault for leaving it on the floor! Lauren: It wouldn't have broke if you weren't such a fat cow!

  • Tanya Branning: You ok darling?

Lauren: Like you care!

  • (to Abi after she has asked for ice cream)

Lauren: You are so immature!

(about Ben on Phil and Stella's wedding day)'that blood was freaky, you might catch someting!'

  • (after Abi and Ben soaked her with water bombs) 'Abi is a cow!!'

Max Branning

  • (to Bradley and Stacey when helping them lift a suitcase)

'What you got in there? Gold Bullion?'

Bianca Butcher (née Jackson)

[Bianca's gone to see Ricky at work.]
Ricky Butcher: Pass us a spanner!
Bianca Jackson: What did you just call me?

[Bianca Jackson's at the arches standing next to a posh car. David Wicks comes past when he first enters the Square. He looks at her fondly]]
Bianca Jackson: What?
David Wicks: Nothing, just admiring the bodywork!

Bianca: Rickaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

(liam is telling his parents that he is struggling at school)
Ricky Butcher: i had trouble with Fractions
bianca Jackson:whattions??

Frank Butcher


Frank Butcher: Babe!

Frank Butcher: What are you, some kind of an ice cream?" Duuuuuur

Frank Butcher: Now, now! You're looking for a dry slap, pal.

Frank Butcher: You dipstick!

Frank Butcher: You're a wave short of an ocean.

Frank Butcher: Janine! Do I look like some sort of a double-yolker?

Frank Butcher: Barry went into the Scottish mountains wearing a pair of city shoes, like the dozy big plum he always was!

Frank Butcher: 'Ello, Babe.'

Frank Butcher: What do you think I am, some kind of pilchard?

Frank Butcher: Do yourself a favor and 'ave it on your toes!

Frank Butcher: RICKY!

Frank Butcher: What have you got me down as, some sort of doughnut?

Frank Butcher: POT, KETTLE!

Pat Butcher: Call yourself a man?'
Frank Butcher: Frank: you're a man!


Frank Butcher: Ricky, you pilchard.

Nick Cotton

Nick Cotton: I thank you all, from the heart of my bottom.

Nick Cotton: 'Ello, Ma!

Nick Cotton: 'Ello, Phil. Your hair looks different.
Phil Mitchell: So will your teeth if you don't keep your mouth shut.

Nick Cotton: But I'm yer son!
Dot Branning: NO! YOU AIN'T MY SON!!!

Stella Crawford

[Stella is on a date with Phil, and his son Ben has just phoned him while he's in the toilet. Stella has answered the phone.]
Stella Crawford: I can't wait to meet you.
Ben Mitchell: I don't wanna meet you, you stupid ugly cow! Leave us alone!

[Stella has just burnt Ben with a spoon.]
Stella Crawford: Silly, it was just a joke! Go on, do it back!

Ben Mitchell: When I first met you, I thought you were trying to take my dad away from me.
Stella Crawford: Don't be silly, I hardly knew your dad then. It'll be easier now!
[Ben stares at her in shock.]
Stella Crawford: Just a joke.

Stella Crawford [sobbing]: I really want to make this thing with your dad work but things just keep going wrong. Oh, my God. Sometimes I don't know why I don't just throw myself under a train.

Stella Crawford: You really are a tart, aren't you?
Shirley Carter: Ooh, Phil's posh lawyer girlfriend's got a gob.
Stella Crawford: Take this money and get out, you cheap, filthy, wrinkly, dried-up old bag.

[Ben has tried to run away but been stopped and brought back. He is trying to explain himself to Stella.]
Stella Crawford: Shut up you snivelling little coward. Maybe you're not really a Mitchell at all. No, you're far too pathetic. But don't worry, your secret's safe with me. I'm your mummy now.

Stella Crawford: Are you going to listen to my side of the story or are you just going to jump to your tabloid conclusions?

Stella Crawford: I'm still in my wedding dress. Would you believe it? This whole thing's like some sort of nightmare. Thank you for nearly marrying me anyway.
[She laughs.]

Stella Crawford: Do you know what it's like to feel like a ghost within your own home? To be talked about over mealtimes when you're sat right there? You know when you feel like you're in a dream you pinch yourself to see if you're awake? That's what I have to do.

Stella Crawford: It's an awfully long way down.
Phil Mitchell: You're not gonna do it.
Stella Crawford: Watch me, Daddy.
[She then apparently throws herself to her death. These are her last words on the show.]

Janine Evans (née Butcher)

Janine: An alligator sandwich... and make it snappy!

Janine: I thought I smelt something. Somewhere between mothballs and a joss-stick.

[Janine is telling Pat and Natalie about Barry's death.]
Janine Evans: If only his heart wasn't so full of love! If only he wasn't such a romantic! If only he'd worn slip-on shoes!

Janine Evans [on Peggy]: Her, she's been chucked more times than a discus!

[Janine is going through rubbish under the stairs and comes across Barry's urn, which she has to move.]
Janine Evans: Still getting in the way, I see, Barry.

[Jamie and Janine are about to have sex.]
Jamie Mitchell: Shouldn't we... take precautions?
Janine Evans: You mean lock the door?

Ricky Butcher : What about Dad's ashes
Janine Evans : Tip em down the toliet

Roy Evans

Roy Evans: Barry, if I sent you out to market with a cow, would you come back with the money or the magic beans?!

[Roy is talking to his wife, Pat, after her affair with Frank Butcher.]
Roy Evans: I don't like your earrings. They're cheap and they're tacky!

Roy Evans: Mo Harris was right. ONCE A TART, ALWAYS A TART. YOU DISGUST ME!
[He throws Pat into the street.]

Roy Evans: It's not because you're illegitimate; it's because you're a bastard!

Roy Evans: How can I do that,Frank?!! How can I make it worse than it already is?!!!!!
Frank Butcher: She chose you [refering to Pat]!!

Martin Fowler

Martin Fowler: Who's organising the band?
Sonia Fowler: Your mum, probably. She organises everything else!

Martin Fowler: We'll get a second hand one
Sonia Fowler: What, after last night? No, thank you. Martin, I want my own brand new bed. We can't go on sleeping in Pauline's!
Den Watts [overhearing]: Now, there's a thought to give you nightmares.

Martin Fowler: I know who killed my mum.

Martin Fowler: You took someone away from me, and I'm gonna take someone away from you. How's it feel?

Pauline Fowler

[Pauline confronts Den Watts over Michelle's baby.]
Pauline Fowler: You're Vicki's dad, ain't ya? Dennis, I know.
Den Watts: YEAH!
[Pauline slaps Den.]
Den Watts: That one you get for free. The next, I slap you back harder!

[Pauline is talking to the new neighbour Rosie Miller.]
Pauline Fowler: I know that my husband does more for this community than he ever will, and he's dead!

Pauline Fowler: I know what my Arthur would say about this.

Pauline Fowler: What would Arthur say?

[Rosie has suggested that someone other than her children had stolen food from the stall.]
Pauline Fowler: Oh, it was another pregnant 13-year-old, was it?!

[Ian passionately tells her he is back with Jane after his failed attempt to jilt her and that she too can make amends with her loved ones by telling them the truth.]
Pauline Fowler: Go to hell!

[Pauline is arguing with Sonia.]
Pauline Fowler: He's my son
Sonia Fowler: And you can't share him like a normal mother?
Pauline: No I can't
Sonia Fowler: Well that's just sick!
Pauline Fowler: Sick? Not as sick as you are. Daughter of a scrubber, lesbian, underage mother who gave away 'er own baby.

[Pauline's son Martin has got back with his ex-wife Sonia.]
Pauline Fowler: I thought it was just a dog that went back to its vomit.

Sonia Fowler (née Jackson)

[Sonia is arguing with Pauline.]
Sonia Fowler: You're leavin' to stick the knife in to Martin!

[Sonia tells the police she didn't see Pauline on Christmas Day.]
Rebecca Miller: You told them a lie!
Sonia Fowler: No I didn't, you stupid little girl!

Sonia Fowler: It was meeeeeeeeeeee! It was me.

(To Pauline)

Sonia: You wanna bring up Chloe? You couldn't bring up phlegm!

Mo Harris

[A St. George's Day party is held in the Queen Vic, and Big Mo comments on Pat's costume.]
Mo Harris: Marilyn Monroe was American.
Pat Evans: I'm Diana Dors, actually.
Mo Harris: Garage Doors more like!

[Mo comments on her Farmer Giles (piles, or haemorrhoids).]
Mo Harris: Ooh, my Farmers are the bane of my life.
Little Mo: They're the bane of all our lives!

Barry: Don't make me lose my temper. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Mo: I don't like you anyway!

(To Charlie about internet dating)

Mo: I'm down with the kids!

Andy Hunter

[Andy is talking to Paul Trueman, who was presumed to be taking a job in the Minute Mart.]
Andy Hunter: Who do you think you are? The patron saint of shelf stackers?

[Andy is talking to Sam after she has lost the Mitchell empire.]
Andy Hunter: Don’t you look ugly when you cry?

[Andy is talking to Sam after she has lost the Mitchell empire.]
Andy Hunter: Of all the women I’ve met, you really are the blondest.

Andy Hunter: Ah, Pat, you've met the brothers Dim, Jake and Danny. Part of Alfie's spawn. The vacant expression gives it away.

[Andy's will is read.]
Andy Hunter: I leave to my wife, Samantha, my wedding ring... that she may sell it and use the money to get her roots done and still be the dumbest blonde I ever knew.

Sam Hunter: Would you still love me if I was fat?
Andy Hunter: No, but maybe if you were extremely rich and famous yet stil a fat cow.

Andy Hunter: Ain't that right Den?
Den Watts: What?
Andy Hunter: I was just sayin' Martin and Sonia here are lookin' for a double bed and I'm sure they'll give you a good price for yours. I mean, now your wife's left you, you won't need it again.
Den Watts: Well, if I had a spare bed I'd sell it to you, heard you were in to second-hand goods.... When is it you're marrying Sam?

Dennis Rickman: Soon, you'll be living in a garden shed!
Andy Hunter: Oi, Don't knock 'em! Some of them sheds are like little palaces

Keith Miller

Social Worker: What about the dog?
Keith Miller: Wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Social Worker: He keeps staring at me.
Keith Miller: Course he does – you’re drinking out of his mug.

Rebecca Miller

Martin: Sonia doesn't live here any more.
Rebecca: Did you have a row?

Rebecca [to Sonia]: I like it when we we do things!

Martin: Granny Margaret, she's gone to live in the sky with the angels.
Rebecca: When's she coming back?
Martin: She's not, sweetheart.
Rebecca: [crying] I want Granny Margaret back!

[She sees two doves flying away.]
Rebecca: Look, angels!

Martin: I can't make daisy chains.
Rebecca: That's 'cos you're a boy!

[Sonia has been shouting at Pauline.]
Rebecca: Shut up! Stop shouting at her!
Sonia: Rebecca, do you know who I am?
Rebecca: I don't like you! You make everyone sad! Go away and leave us alone!

[Sonia is going to take Rebecca to the seaside.]
Sonia: We leave tomorrow.
Rebecca: But I am going out with Martin and Carly tomorrow.
Sonia: Well, you can go next weekend.
Rebecca: But I want to go tomorrow.

[It's Rebecca's school sports day, and time for the mothers' race.]
Rebecca: Carly, will you be my mummy?
[Sonia looks devastated.]

Rebecca: Stop shouting.

Rebecca [to Sonia]: Tell him it's me, Mummy.

[Rebecca is talking to Sonia about Pauline's death.]
Rebecca: I saw you hit her when I was delivering my card. I saw you. Is that why she's dead?

Rebecca [to Sonia]: You are the reason Granny is dead!

Rebecca: Would you like a hug?
Martin: Of course I would like a hug!

[Rebecca has heard Sonia lie to the police.]
Rebecca: You told them a lie!
SoniaNo, I didn't, you stupid little girl.

[Rebecca has made a dolls' house out of the table and chairs, and there is a doll inside.]
Martin: It's very good.
Rebecca: It's actually a prison, and that's Mummy.

[Sonia tells Rebecca that she loves her more than anything else in the world.]
Rebecca: More than chocolate?'

[Martin talks to Sonia as they are about to leave.]
Martin: you need to someone who's going to love you, who's gonna fight for you and who's gonna be there. Who's going to do all that?
Rebecca: We are!

Courtney Mitchell

Peggy: I'm going to make dinner. You want to help me, Courtney?
Courtney: No! I want to watch TV.

Grant: We need to look into a school for you, Courtney.
Courtney: I'm not going anywhere that hasn't got a pool!

Peggy: Courtney, darling, do you want to help me fold these clothes up?
Courtney: No!

Phil: We're going to play pass the parcel.
Courtney: How old do you think we are?!

Peggy: Courtney darling, why don't you and Lucy go to your room? She might be able to make some sense out of your homework.
Courtney: Bor...ring!

Ian: Anyone want a lift?
Ben: I think I will go with Phil today.
Courtney: Count me in.

Courtney: What are you doing?
Ben: Phil said I could.
Courtney: You are supposed to call him Dad!
Ben: Go away and leave me alone!
Courtney: Why don't you go back to where you came from? I'm telling Granny!

Ben: Give it back!
Courtney: I'm just looking!

Phil: Once we get things properly sorted out, Ben can have his own room.
Courtney: I've been here the longest!

Courtney: Daddy, Daddy, I've had a bad dream!
Grant: Go and get yourself dressed.
Courtney: But, Daddy, I want to tell you about my dream!

[Courtney has had a bad dream.]
Courtney: Well, Daddy was in it and this lady with dark hair was there, and her and Daddy were fighting and I didn't want them to... and that's when I woke up. I think that lady was my mum.
Peggy: What, Carla?
Courtney: No not her, my real mum.

Phil [to Grant]: Are you deaf or something?
Courtney [to Ben]: No, you're the one who's deaf, aren't you, Ben?!

Courtney [to Grant]: You can't make me go to school, all right?!

Courtney: Dad went away because of me.

Courtney: Uncle Billy! Uncle Billy!
Billy: What?
Courtney [singing]: H-O-N-E-Y don't love ya!

Grant Mitchell

[Grant returns home after six years.]]
Grant Mitchell: 'Ello, Mum.

Grant Mitchell: I've always been a better dancer than you. I used to clear the floor.
Phil Mitchell: That's because everyone thought you'd escaped from somewhere.

[Grant confessing to Sharon about setting fire to the Queen Vic.]]
Grant Mitchell: No I did it myself!
Sharon Mitchell: You! You set fire to the Vic?!!
Grant Mitchell: You heard!!
Sharon Mitchell: For the insurance?
Grant Mitchell: Yes Could you have done that?
Sharon Mitchell: How could you do this to me? I hate you! I hate you!
Grant Mitchell: Alright!
Sharon Mitchell: I don't want you anywhere near me again! ever!

Honey Mitchell (née Edwards)

Honey: Thanks to him, my baby's going to be born illiterate!

Honey: You can carry on until the cows go blue in the face.

Honey: Peggy, don't curse the curse, you'll make it worse!

Honey: The truth is, I feel like a bleached whale!

Honey: Charlie, you can chou-fleur me home.

Honey: How many kids have you had?
Midwife: Well, none yet.
Honey: Exactly, so shut your bloody gob and get me a bloody epidoodle!

[Billy has been asking Honey questions she doesn't want to answer.]
Honey: What is this, the Spanish Armada?

Honey: Most supermarket foods are packed full of adjectives! Are you orgasmic?
Stella Crawford: Pardon?
Honey: Do you buy orgasmic meat and veg?

Little Mo Mitchell (née Slater, previously Morgan)

[Little Mo is arguing with Dr. Oliver Cousins in her room and he is holding a stuffed monkey]

Little Mo: I wonder which one of you is gonna speak first, You or the monkey?!

Peggy Mitchell

Peggy Mitchell: No-one wants you, Pat! Frank left you, your boys left you... and now Roy's left you!
Pat Evans: You think Frank wants YOU - mutton dressed as lamb?
Peggy Mitchell: You cow!
[She throws a wine glass at Pat, which smashes against the wall.]
Pat Evans: Ooh! Temper, temper!
Peggy Mitchell: Anyway, YOU'RE nothing to write home about. No wonder Roy can't do it!
Pat Evans: How DARE you!
[Now she throws a wine glass at Peggy, which also smashes against the wall.]
Peggy Mitchell: I'll flaming well kill ya!
Pat Evans: You get off of me!
Peggy Mitchell: You take back what you said!
[Pat slaps Peggy.]
Pat Evans: YOU BITCH!
[Peggy returns the slap.]
Peggy Mitchell: YOU COW!

Peggy Mitchell: Will you listen to yourself, you stupid fat old tart! The only thing Frank Butcher wanted from you was sex.
Pat Evans: Oh, well, let's say you're right, could that be because he wasn't getting enough at home?
Peggy Mitchell: Did he say that?
Pat Evans: Just a thought.
Peggy Mitchell: Did you talk about me?
Pat Evans: Well, he said something...
Peggy Mitchell: How DARE you!
Pat Evans: ... about not being quite satisfied.
Peggy Mitchell: GET OUTTA MY PUB!
Pat Evans: WITH PLEASURE! Oh, and just remember this, Peggy. It was my pub before it was yours. Mine and Frank's. This was my kitchen. Along the hall was my bedroom. Mine and Frank's bedroom. We were happy here.
[Peggy slaps Pat.]
Peggy Mitchell: YOU BITCH!
[Pat returns the slap.]
Pat Evans: YOU COW!

Peggy Mitchell: This man who you're all great mates with is a thief, an extorter... and I wouldn't be surprised if he was a murderer.

Peggy Mitchell: If brains were dynamite, you lot wouldn't have enough to blow your hats off!

Peggy Mitchell: GO ON, GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY PUB!

[Peggy is talking to Sharon Rickman, who has just thrown a drink at her.]
Peggy Mitchell: Den Watts, your precious father, was scum. I knew it, everyone round here knew it, and if she [Chrissie] was married to him she knew it.

[Peggy is talking to Pauline.]
Peggy Mitchell: Your husband was a thief, your son's got HIV, and the whole lot of you are a pack of liars!

Frank Butcher: Peggy, my little passionflower!
Peggy Mitchell: I come all the way to your funeral and you don't even have the decency to be dead!

Peggy Mitchell: Oh, shut up you, peroxide old bag!
Pauline Fowler: Oh, yeah? What's this, then—strawberry blonde at seventy? That's "real", is it?
Peggy Mitchell: Shut up! I'm NOT seventy!
Pauline Fowler: No, but you look it!

[Peggy has found out about Pat and Frank's affair and is to give them their lifetime achievement award.]
Peggy Mitchell: And it's for a lifetime of irresponsibility, deceit, and plain old-fashioned wickedness. And before you all start wondering "Have I gone stark staring mad?", there's something I'd like to read out to you.
[She then reads out a letter from Frank in full.]

[Peggy has just read out the letter.]
Peggy Mitchell: So why are they still here is a bit of a mystery. But one thing I've learned since I've been married to Mr Butcher is never underestimate his capacity to make a cock-up of things. Apologies to all of you who've already received the invitations to the renewal of our wedding vows. No doubt they'll be collectors' items soon. So all that remains for me is to present the prizes.
[Peggy slaps Frank and Pat round the face.]
Peggy Mitchell: Hope you all enjoy the fireworks. Good night.
[She runs off in tears as everyone goes into stunned silence. Phil claps in background]
Frank Butcher: That's it,go on,get out.GET OUT,GET OUT!!!!!!!!

[Peggy has found out that Carla tried to con Grant.]
Billy Mitchell: Peggy!
[Billy whistles to tell her that Carla's back in the Queen Vic.]
Peggy Mitchell: Carla, you tried it on and it didn't work. Well, better luck next time. Oh, one more thing...
[She slaps Carla hard round the face.]
Peggy Mitchell: Get outta my pub.
[Clara walks out of the Vic.]
Peggy Mitchell: And to think I gave that rotten cow my special recipe for steak and kidney pudding!
Billy Mitchell: Felt that one from here, Peg.
Peggy Mitchell: Well, thank you, Billy. It's nice to be appreciated.

Incident With Phil during his drinking period

Peggy Mitchell You can take this drink or be a man but you carnt do both.

Tiffany Mitchell

(Bianca talking about David)

Bianca: "He's dreamy, He's cute in ee"
Tiffany: He's got the I.Q of a duck

(After Courtney's born)

Grant: "Wot feechter's she got of muy"
Tiffany: I dont no but she's got your mums pointy nose

Jake Moon

[Pauline has caught Jake kissing Carly Wicks, her son's ex-girlfriend.]
Pauline Fowler [to Carly]: See? He's rude, everything my Martin's not!

Jake: But I've got something very few men have, Pauline. Would you like to see it?
Carly: JAKE!

Jake: I don't believe this! I get molested by a teeny bopper, attacked by the ginger ninja- I only went out for a pint!

Kat Moon (née Slater)

[Belinda's wig has just fallen off.]
Kat Moon: That reminds me, I must get a new rug for my front!

Kat Moon: I had a great-aunt once; she spent 50 years on the throne.

Kat Moon: Coq au vin—I thought that was sex in a lorry.

[At Christmas, Kat is dressed up as an elf, and Barry Evans is about to open his mouth.]
Kat Moon: One word, Barry, just one, and you’ll be drinking your Christmas dinner through a straw!

[Kat is talking to Dr. Trueman about their relationship.]
Kat Moon: Yin and Yang? So now you're letting Teletubbies decide your sex life?

Alfie Moon: I knew it! You’re SO telling me a loada porkies! This is Nana’s truth stone. It never lies.
Kat Moon: I’m surprised it ain’t exploded being in the same house as you!

Zoe Slater: Did you nick that jacket off the stall ?
Kat Moon: I'm only trying it on.
Zoe Slater: Yeah, that's your problem. You're always trying it on!

[Zoe has told everyone that she is going to Spain with Charlie's brother Harry, but Kat's not happy about it.]
Zoe Slater: Picking on me all the time.
Kat Slater: I'm not picking on ya.
Zoe Slater: Embarrassing me in front of everyone.
Kat Slater: Just listen to me, will ya?
Zoe Slater: I'm going, and there ain't nothing you can do about it.
Kat Slater: Do you wanna bet? We'll go and ask Dad together, shall we, see who he listens to?
Zoe Slater: Why don't you just leave me alone?
Kat Slater: Because you're not going.
Zoe Slater: Yes, I am! Get away from me!
Kat Slater: No!
Zoe Slater: You don't rule my life.
Kat Slater: You're not going to Spain and that's that.
Zoe Slater: Why not?
Kat Slater: Because I said so, all right?
Zoe Slater: And I have to do everything you say, do I?
Kat Slater: No.
Zoe Slater: You can't tell me what to do. You ain't my mother!
Kat Slater: YES, I AM!

[Kat is talking about the Christmas turkey.]
Mo Harris (Big Mo): The bloke said it was going cheap!
Kat Moon: I thought they went "gobble gobble"?

[Kat has found about Little Mo's affair with Alfie.]
Kat Moon: Grow a backbone, Mo, and take responsibility for your actions FOR ONCE IN YOUR MOUSY LITTLE LIFE!

[Kat is going to a party at the pub.]
Belinda Peacock: And I'll buy the champagne! Do they take plastic?
Kat Slater: Why, you gonna get yer boobs out?

[Thinking husband Alfie has left her, Kat gets drunk in the Vic on Christmas Day 2005]

Kat Slater: "Not much of a happy ever after is it Mo? Look at me!"

Little Mo: "Don't you say that, your the most beautiful thing I've ever seen"

Kat: "So I'm not a fat old drunk then?!"

Little Mo: "Look i know it don't seem like it now but you will have a happy ever after, i know you will!"

Kat: "Come on sweetheart! Tell me a story. Make it about the girl who fell in love, got married and then he goes away and leaves her on her own. And she's hurting so much, that all she wants to do is crawl away somewhere and die. But she doesn't and you know why? Because she's too scared. She's too scared that if she starts crying she won't be able to stop! No, it's alright she knows what to do! She covers herself up so no one can see what a dirty horrible girl she is! Don't forget the happy ending! Where all her wishes come true and she ain't dirty anymore! Where someone loves her and she's not on her own, up 'ere.(Pointing at her head) Where she's OK and she's not hurting. I don't wanna be me anymore! Did you hear me? I... I don't wanna be me anymore! I wanna be someone else!" (A crying Kat runs off to the toilets)

Stacey: "KAT!"

Little Mo: "No, Leave 'er..."

Victoria "Nana" Moon

[Alfie contemplates leaving the Square after Den Watts has chucked the Moons out of the Vic.]
Nana Moon: Are you gonna let that dark lord across the road win?

Nana Moon: I've decided to get cremated.
Alfie Moon: Get your goat, then.

Trevor Morgan

[Mo has gone to the Slaters' to try and escape from Trevor but is trying to hide it.]
Trevor Morgan: Why do we need any more milk?

Trevor Morgan [manipulatively]: I love you, Mo.

[On any of many occasions, Mo is trying to leave.]
Trevor Morgan: Where you are going?

[Little Mo recalls saying she felt like Cinderella on their wedding day.]
Trevor Morgan: It's nearly midnight.... It was midnight, was it not? When Cinderella's world fell apart?

[Tom risks his life to save a trapped Little Mo and Trevor in a fire at the Slaters]
Trevor Morgan [hysterically]: I cannae see straight!

[The room is about to blow up.]
Trevor Morgan: So, we live to fight another day

Melanie Owen (née Healy)

[Ian has received the all-clear on Lucy's test results for cancer.]
Melanie Healy: They still haven't told you the results, have they?
Ian: Well....
Mel: Well, I'm phoning them. They've been ages... we want to know... we have to know.
[Mel goes to the phone and starts dialing. Ian grabs the phone off her and hangs up.]
Mel: Ian....
Ian: The results came through today.
Mel: Lucy has cancer.
Ian: [pause] Yes... yes, she does.
[Mel starts crying and falls into Ian's arms.]

Ian: Mel, I love you.
Mel Beale [as the clock strikes midnight just before the new millennium]: Well, guess what, Ian? I don't love you. And I never have done!

[Mel and Ian have just split up.]
Mel [to Lucy]: Hello, gorgeous.
Lucy: Mel, can you come to tea today?
Mel: Not today, darling.
Lucy: Maybe tomorrow.
Mel (looking at Ian): Well, maybe.
Steven: No, she won't. She's lying.
Ian [to Mel]: Satisfied?

[Kat has told Mel she's slept with Steve.]
Mel: He does think he's a bit flash, though, don't he? I mean what with those black silk sheets... and a waterbed—how tacky!
Kat: I know....
Mel: ... and them mirrors on the ceiling....
Kat: Oh, they're horrid ain't they?
Mel [smiling]: You haven't been anywhere near his bedroom!
Kat: You sick bitch!

Dennis Rickman

[Dennis is dying.]
Dennis Rickman: We did it!

Dennis Rickman: ...But I like Zoe..
Andy Hunter: I like Pat, but I'm not going to settle down with her...

Dennis Rickman: I'm 30 this year. I stopped being a boy a long time ago. You might wanna hold off on that one.
Den Watts: Getting on your wick, BOY?

Den Watts: Where'd you come from?
Dennis Rickman: You want a diagram?!

[Dennis has received some advice from Big Mo.]
Dennis Rickman: Apparently, you put a penny in a jar for every time you do it for the first six months of marriage, then take one out for every time afterwards. And the idea is it's never empty!

Sharon Rickman (née Watts)

Den Watts: He'll be back. He's like me—he knows where his home is.
Sharon Watts: So we'll see him in 14 years then.

[Sharon confronts her father after her mother informs her that he's given her a divorce.]
Sharon Watts: You dirty bastard....

Sharon Watts: I've just bitten Pauline's head off.
Dennis Rickman: She'll grow a new one.

Sharon Watts: I may not be the first person to do this...
[She punches Chrissie.]
Sharon Watts: ... AND I HOPE I WON'T BE THE LAST!

[Sharon walks in on Jake and Chrissie in bed before she has discovered that Chrissie murdered Den.]
Sharon Watts [to Chrissie]: You bitch!

[Dennis is dying.]
Sharon Rickman: Dennis, don't you leave me! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Jean Slater

[Stacey is trying to console Jean after she finds out that Sean is back.]
Stacey: That'll be the neighbours complaining.
Jean: Well, let 'em complain! Let 'em call the police. I don't care. Let 'em do whatever they want—everyone else does!

[Jean is being reunited with Sean.]
Jean: My beautiful boy, apple of my eye. I know you.
Sean: You don't know me. You don't know nothing about me. You never have.

[Jean has been told Sean is back.]
Jean: How long has he been back? How long?!

[Mentally ill Jean hasn't been taking her tablets]

Stacey: Is Lanette your Key Worker?

Jean: You see that's the bit they couldn't explain. How, does a careful man, doing a job he could have done with his eyes closed, how does he fall off of the scaffolding?

Stacey: Mum!

Jean: No but I'm just saying! How does a man like him just...fall? And all smashed up he was, And it was me what had to identify him, and his eyes weren't closed!

Stacey: Is Lanette your bloody key worker?!

Stacey: Dad dying was an accident! And you ain't the only one who lost dad, that's the truth!

Jean: You've been gone too long!

Stacey: Not nearly long enough!

Jean: Yeah, Yeah, Because they don't call 'em key workers anymore do they? Lanette is my care-coordinator! Earing up her nose, little voice, big hair, twelve years old and fifteen stone she is, makes you look thin love!

Stacey: Where's the full number?

Jean: Oh, Lanette can't come in here, she cannot come in here!

Stacey: Right, well I'll wait 'ere till she turns up then

Jean: Don't you ever listen? Lanette cannot come in! She can't! She can't fit can she? Size of her arse! She won't get through the window!

Sean Slater

[Sean throws Johnny Allen's ashes at Ruby.]
Sean: Ruby, catch.
Ruby Allen: Sean!
Sean: Don't forget to take yer dad with ya.

[Ruby has threatened to leave.]
Sean Slater: The only thing I'm losing is the sound of your whining little voice.

Charlie Slater: Mo and me are thinkin' of 'avin your mum for Christmas.
Sean: What? Instead of a turkey?

Sean: All right, Ruby, I was only ever interested in you because of your money, and pickin' up girls, I'll do it again. I'll do it just because I can. Still want me back?
Ruby Allen: Yeah.

[Sean has told Chelsea that he's dumped her, when they've just had sex.]
Chelsea: You're dumping me, just after we've had sex?
Sean: Well, there wouldn't have been much point doing it before, would there?

[Carly is hoping that Sean will take an STI test after them sleeping together and the condom splitting.]
Carly:I was wondering if you would do me a favour and take a test.
Sean:What. you think I might be pregnant?

Stacey Branning (née Slater)

[Stacey is looking at an old photo of Sean.]
Stacey Slater: All right, Sean?

[Big Mo is talking about the Christmas turkey.]
Mo Harris: I just found it lying there in the bath, all white and bloated.
Stacey Slater: Not Uncle Charlie?!

Stacey Slater: Stuff You!

[Stacey takes two apples from Martin's stall, and he threatens to report her.]
Stacey Slater: You what? Who to, the apple police?

Lucy Beale [about Ian and Jane]: So you think they've gone all the way?
Stacey Slater: I think they've gone all the way, turned around, and come back again.

Stacey Slater: The two birds that run the pub, they're right up themselves. The bird in the café, she's a bit up herself but not too bad. Yolande in the shop, she's up herself. She's all right sometimes. Pauline in the launderette, she's a right old dragon and she's up herself. The other one just goes on about God all day. My Nan's a battleaxe. My cousin Mo's all right but my cousin Zoe, wait till you get a load of her. She's so far up herself she's coming back out again!
Ruby Allen: Do you ever say anything nice about anyone?

Phil Mitchell: You're going to have to face a lot of tricky questions.
Stacey Slater: Why? Is it quiz night in the Vic again?

Bradley Branning: What is it with you? How can you be one thing one day, completely different the next?
Stacey Slater: 'Cos that's how people are, Bradley. You think you know them, you'd trust them with your life, and then they go and change on you.

Ruby Allen: I was a complete bitch the last time I saw you.
Stacey Slater: I'm a complete bitch all the time!

[Ruby is in hospital after binge drinking.]
Stacey Slater [to Johnny]: Little boys, they never learn. And she's gonna keep on payin' the price. Just like her mum, just like her sister.

Stacey Slater: What have you got there?
Bradley Branning: Champagne and strawberries.
Stacey Slater: Where do you think we are? Wimbledon?!

Stacey Slater [to Bradley]: I love you. I... I think I love you!

[Stacey has been arguing with Ruby.]
Stacey Slater: We were such good friends, Ruby.
Ruby Allen: We were. But I don't want to be part of your little life no more, and neither does he.
Stacey Slater: D'ya know what? I'd rather have my little life and my mental mum more than anything you've got!

Ian Beale: Whatever lies she's trying to feed you, don't listen. She's as twisted as a corkscrew.
Stacey Slater: Never mind him, just the local pervert.

Ruby Allen: I was a complete bitch the last time I saw you.
Stacey Slater: I'm a complete bitch all the time!

Zoe Slater: You're an evil little bitch!
Stacey Slater: Yeah, and you're a stupid cow whose bloke is having it on with his sister. Have a nice Christmas!

[Stacey has just annouced that Patrick and Pat have been having an affair behind Yolande's back.]
Yolande Trueman: Have you been sleeping with that old tart?
Pat Evans: Now, just a minute!
Stacey Slater: I saw them.

[Stacey and Tanya are being arrested after fighting in the Vic.]]
Tanya: Hold on,hold on,she started it Referring to Stacey,I was just having a quiet drink!
Stacey: Where is he? Referring to Max, Where is he?!
Policeman: Get in there!
Stacey: Noooo! Noooooo! Noooooooooo!!!!!

Angie Watts

[Angie is talking to Den.]
Angie Watts: Seventeen years since we consummated our nuptials... except that we never did.

[Angie is talking to Den.]
Angie Watts: A mug?! You're a dead loss, you are!
[She flinches back when Den makes a fist.]
Angie Watts: Oh, whoa, my hero! Gonna give me a smack in the teeth, were ya?!

[Angie is talking to Den.]
Angie Watts: Well, if I find out who is messing around they will pay—WITH BLOOD!

[Angie is talking to Kathy about Den]
Angie Watts: Perhaps I should've tried to kill him. Yeah, that's what I'll do. When he comes home, I'll kill the bastard!

[Angie is talking to Den.]
Angie Watts: We're like Punch and Judy, you and me: you keep hitting me on the head and I keep popping up again.

[Watching the Walford Football match]
Angie Watts: You wanna get yourself a pair of glasses, Ref!
Arthur Fowler: He's got glasses!
Angie Watts: Oh yeah!

[Angie is talking to Den.]
Angie Watts: I've got six months to live!

[Angie is talking to Den.]
Angie Watts: I thought you'd dropped one of those ice cubes down your trousers. I forgot—there's nothing down there to freeze!

[Angie is talking to Den.]
Angie Watts: How would you like a nice 'kick in the crutch' attitude, Dennis?

Chrissie Watts

[Sam has returned from from the will reading—she had expected to be left the house by husband Andy Hunter but was left with a ring.]
Chrissie Watts: Have one on the house Sam.... Oh, sorry. Touchy subject, isn't it?
Sam Hunter: I'm not a charity case, Chrissie. I can buy my own.
Chrissie Watts: Not lodging with Minty anymore then?

Chrissie Watts: If I go down, I'm bringing you right down with me. Hey, maybe we could get a cell next to each other(!)
Sam Mitchell: Can we talk about this?
Chrissie Watts: No! You're fired!

[Sharon and Dennis have just announced their love for one another, over Christmas lunch.]
Chrissie Watts: For once in your selfish little lives could you at least wait until AFTER dinner!?(Smashes a bowl of roast potatoes to the floor)

[Chrissie leaning over to Den.]
Chrissie Watts: I may have not been the first woman in your life, Den. But I'm definetely going to be the last.
[She gets up, but Den then grabs onto her leg.]
Den Watts: You'll never get me out of the Vic!
{Chrissie then kills him by hitting him with a doorstop.]

Den Watts

[Den speaks the first line on EastEnders.]
Den Watts: Cor, stinks in 'ere, dunnit?

[Den spots blood on his shirt after breaking up a fight at the end of the first episode.]
Den Watts: My shirt... look at my bleedin' shirt!

[Den has slapped Sharon for flirting.]
Den Watts: My own daughter acting like a WHORE!!

[Angie has thrown a glass of wine at him.]
Den Watts: Careful, Ange, that could've hit me!

[Den holds up his and Angie's divorce papers.]
Den Watts: This, my sweet, is a letter from my solicitor telling you that your husband has filed a petition for divorce. It also tells you to get yourself a solicitor pretty damn quick. Happy Christmas, Ange!

[Angie is preparing to leave for Spain.]
Den Watts: Come on, Ange, don't keep the man waiting—and DON'T THINK I didn't know all the details of your sordid little plan weeks ago because I did. And, what's more, I've been to see my solicitor—and this time, you ain't getting a penny out of me, because everything's mine. You got that? Mine!

[Angie is preparing to leave for Spain.]
Den Watts: Oh! Got you a going away present! A bag of barley sugar for the flight.
[He throws the barley sugar in the cab.]
Den Watts: Have a nice time! Come on, driver! Double speed to the airport!
[He bangs the taxi twice.]

[Den is talking to Frank Butcher.]
Den Watts: I would've thought someone who'd been around the block like you have should know better, Frank—don't you EVER lay a finger on me again!

[Den is talking to James Willmott-Brown, the day after the Dagmar fire.]
Den Watts: This is the end, Virgil! There's nowhere to run! [...] I have a great desire to break your neck, all right? But I'm not gonna risk doin' time for the likes of you. The only reason Kathy was there, is because YOU—you perverted little jerk—were her boss. She had no choice, and you used that. Never, EVER make an excuse for what you did again. You're guilty, and you're gonna pay, and if I had my way, you would've paid last night! [...] If I was you I'd run and keep on running, because the next time I see you, I'm gonna kill you!

Den Watts: This ain't my wallet!!

[Den is talking to Michelle Fowler before being shot.]
Den Watts: Be lucky....

[Den is talking to Sharon, having returned to Walford after fourteen years of being thought dead.]
Den Watts: 'Ello, princess.

[Den is talking to Ian Beale.]
Den Watts: You look worse than me, and I've been dead fourteen years!

[Den is talking to Lisa, who is drunk.]
Den Watts: Why don't you try a bit of emotional blackmail, eh? Why don't you just tell me you've got six months to live?!

[Den is taunting Phil Mitchell after framing him for armed robbery.]
Den Watts: You are exactly where I want you! [...] This is for Sharon, and for Dennis.
[Den throws the loot down to him.]
Den Watts: Oh, and here's a little something from Lisa!

[Den has been ordered out of the Vic for fighting with Dennis.]
Den Watts [to Sam Mitchell]: Stairs could do with a lick of paint.

[Ian has hit Den.]
Den Watts: I always said to Pete those boxin' lessons were a waste of time!

Den Watts: Anyway, shovel and brush time, let's get this place sorted out before that jobsworth comes back and starts throwing his weight around. What's up?
[He turns around to see the fire safety inspector standing behind him.]
Den Watts: Ooooh, hello again, nice and punctual too. Princess, do us a favour, go in the office and phone up that man, see if you can put him off until tomorrow. Tax inspectors get right up your nose, don't they?

Den Watts: Do you know, whenever I meet a new woman I think, 'Will Dot and Pauline like them?' Oh, they will. Fantastic, I'll go out with them then(!)

[Little Mo has asked Den what Pauline's stone dog-shaped doorstop is.]
Den Watts: Well it proves what a witch Pauline is; she took one look at Betty and turned her to stone!

[In the episode where he dies, Little Mo has told Den he'll be struck down if he's not careful.]
Den Watts: Nah, not me, I'm indestructable.

[Den is confronted by Chrissie, Zoe and Sam.]
Den Watts: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble! Too bad I ain't got my kilt on or else I really would be Macbeth!

[Zoe has aborted Den's baby.]
Zoe Slater: I dunno what Chrissie sees in you. You're a vile pig!
Den Watts: And you sleep with women's husbands and kill their babies!

[Den is talking about Michelle.]
Den Watts: You don't know what it was like between me and her.
Sharon Watts: You and her? What you talking about you and her for? This was my best friend! She had her own Dad, what did she want my Dad for?!
Den Watts: Don't you dare give me that look!
Sharon Watts: Oh?! And what sort of look should I give you, eh? You want me to be proud? My Daddy sorts everybody out!

Den Watts: All right, darling, that's enough. Off you go.
Drunken woman: I'm not going anywhere! I'm the maid of honour!
Den Watts: I couldn't care less if you were made in Taiwan! Out!

Kate Mitchell: You sleep in bed with her.
Den Watts: It's either that or the bath.

Den Watts: I can't look after him. Babies start crying when they see my face.

Den Watts: Don't tell me, you're going to nick the bottle openers and get out the bibles.
Dot Branning: I would if I could. This ought to be a sober occasion.
Den Watts: Not much chance of that around here. What do you want me to do, serve holy water with the gin and tonics?
Chrissie Watts: Can't imagine why.

Tommy Grant: I bet you'd love to be standing in my shoes right now.
Den Watts: Moccasins ain't my style!

Den Watts: You'll never get me out of the Vic!
[Den dies.]

Joe Wicks

[Joe Wicks is arguing with Pat Evans when David walks in.]
Pat Evans: You're evil! That poor girl!
Joe Wicks [pointing at David]: He's the evil one!
David Wicks: Thank you!

Kevin Wicks

Kevin Wicks: The woman's deranged. She'd have Gandhi on an ASBO!

Kevin Wicks: When God was handing out good luck, I was in a ditch!

Kevin Wicks: Insult a man's daughter - expect to get lamped!

May Wright

May Wright: What May wants, May gets!

May Wright: To be partners you have to be equals!
Dawn Swann: Well that's why he left YOU, then!
[May flings Dawn down the steps.]
[This is ironic as one of the main reasons Rob left May was because she never treated him as an equal.]

May Wright: Why don't you go off with Dawn Swann? She'll give you a whole horde of swarming snot-nosed brats.

[Rob has just admitted that Dawn is aborting the baby that he impregnated her with during their liaison.]
May Wright: You know, that's what gets me: that you did it with that sort of slut. Easy come, easy go.

May Wright: I don't know what you ever saw in that chav.

[Rob talks back to her.]
May Wright: Don't you dare.

Rob Minter: Do you know, it never struck me how extraordinarily boring you are.
May Wright [gasping] How dare you speak to me like that, get back here this instant.

[May chuckles menacingly.]
May Wright: Dawn. Dawn, Dawn, Dawn. You'd be amusing if you weren't so tragic. If he loved you that much do you really think he'd have come here last week and made love with me right here on this desk?

[May sees Dawn has escaped from her bonds and believes that Rob was the one who'd released her.]
May Wright: I knew he'd mess things up.

May Wright: Dawn, give me my baby. It needs me. I'm its mummy now.

May Wright [hysterically]: I WANT MY BABY! (hysterically).

[May cradles Dawn's baby, Summer, in her arms.]
May Wright: You're mine. You're all mine.

[May sees Summer in Dawn's arms.]
May Wright: Aww, she looks like Rob.

May Wright: I'm so sorry for everything I've done, Dawn. I became a doctor to help people, not to hurt them.

[May gives Summer toys and laughs upon seeing that she likes them.]
May Wright: Oh, she likes them. You like them, don't you, darling? You see, I'd have been a good mummy. Yes, I would, wouldn't I? A good mummy.

[The police then arrive.]
May Wright: Oh, very clever, Dawn. Let me stay until they arrive. And I thought you were being kind. I could have given her ten times the life that you ever could. Remember that.
[These are her last words on the show.]

[May is cruelly confronting Dawn.]
Dawn Swann: Rob still came back to me.
May Wright: Because I told him too! "Keep the little scrubber sweet", I said to him, "whatever it takes. Who cares, she's only a cheap little tart! What difference does it make?"
Dawn Swann: That's rubbish.
May Wright: Oh really? How many weeks were you away at your mums before he phoned you begging you to come back? A week? Ten days, was it? And where was he meant to be taking you on this wonderful new life you were setting off to? Oh yes, Hull!
Dawn Swann: He told you about Hull?
May Wright: I told him. We agreed.

Pat Evans

[Pat & Peggy are arguing about Frank following his death.]
Peggy Mitchell: Will you listen to yourshelf you stupid fat old tart. The only thing Frank Butcher wanted from you was sex.
Pat Evans: Well let's say your right then, Could that be because he wasn't getting enough at home?
Peggy Mitchell: Did he say that?
Pat Evans: Just a thought.
Peggy Mitchell: Did you talk about me?
Pat Evans: Well he said something
Peggy Mitchell: HOW DARE YOU!
Pat Evans:: About not being quite satisfied.
Peggy Mitchell: GET OUTTA MY PUB!!!!
[Walks Out the door.]

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