Ed Helms

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Edward "Ed" Helms (born 24 January 1974) is an American actor and comedian.

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  • July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the political prisoners, mind you; all the prisoners.
  • "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me?! I just released you from prison!"
  • Oooh look, I'm a Democrat! I'm going to block your nomination! Oooh look, I'm a Republican! I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination! Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy! I have man boobies!
  • For some reason, America's popularity around the world has plummeted in recent years, making travel...(sneezes, pulls out a French flag to clear his nose) making travel abroad a harrowing experience. But one man...has a solution.
  • One question remain...does the kit work? I underwent an EXTREME CANADIAN MAKEOVER. The challenge was to remove everything about me that says "America". The dumb(bleep) look...the rock-hard American ass...and finally, my luscious hairway to Heaven. My transformation was complete...now armed with only the tools of the kit, it was time to see if I could pass as a Canadian...it worked. My fellow Americans were staring at me like an outsider. I felt like a true Canadian, and like a true Canadian, I desperately needed to thaw oout my balls.
  • Feeling too full? Can't keep stuffing your pie hole? Remember: an unsound mind equals an unsound body! Find your dark unhappy place...I recommend calling all your old girlfriends. They'll tell you EXACTLY what's wrong with you...Let your diminishing self-esteem propel you forward into a crushing maelstrom of despair...the fat will follow!
  • Now you're probably wondering, "But Mr. Helms..." Stop, right there, okay? Call me Ed. So you're wondering, "Ed, why does resolution matter?" Well, first of all that's a stupid question. All you got to do is turn on regular resolution TV and try and figure out what the hell's going on!
  • So all you need to do is buy an HDTV set...and there's plenty of choices out there. For instance, one popular option right now is the plasma TV, so called because to afford one, you're gonna have to sell your blood. (audience laughs) I'm totally kidding.
  • We all know that there are many wasted hours when your cellphone is just sitting in your pocket not being talked on. In the past we've talked about amazing new features like digital photography, text messaging, and special sperm destroying rays...by the way that's #-6.
  • (on a virtual fishing game) The point is this and I can't stress this enough, don't use this on the roof of your building. Oh, and be sure the GPS fish aren't near any reception deadspots...I was in the middle of a trout stream last weekend and I couldn't virtual-fish at all! I spent all my time drinking...and fishing.
  • Ed Helms: You're gonna want your very own ring, so all your friends will know that you're the one ruining the movie...so shed that boring old "dee-dee-doo-doo, dee-dee-doo-doo, dee-dee-doo-doo-doo" for something more uniquely you, something that'll help stave off the haunting spectre of your own faceless anonymity. And it's fun...heck, you don't need to download rings! You can download actual songs...check this out...
    (song plays, Ed laughs)
    Helms: Man that song'll NEVER GET OLD! (breaks into song) ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT...
    Jon Stewart (off-screen, annoyed): Ed...ED!!
    Helms (snaps back to attention): All right, all right...so in conclusion these novelty rings and games are now provided on your cellphone because the technology exists to do that...(breaks into song again) ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT...
    Stewart (off-screen, semi-incoherent): ALL RIGHT, ED!!! (recovers, camera now on both Helms and Stewart) thank you.
  • I'm here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in a stable condition after being shot by Vice-President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail hunting expedition. Doctors say he is recovering quickly after being shot, in the face, by the Vice-President. I'll be here with continuous coverage of how Vice-President Dick Cheney shot a seventy-eight year old man, in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird.
  • I'm just being told Whittington's condition has been upgraded from 'stable', to 'stable, but still shot in the face by the Vice-President'. It's good news really.

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