Ed Wood

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Ed Wood is a 1994 film about B-movie writer-director Edward D. Wood, Jr., a maker of films regarded by many as the worst of all time. The film focuses on Wood's early career and the making of Glen or Glenda, Bride of the Monster, and the infamous Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Directed by Tim Burton. Written by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski.
"When It Came To Making Bad Movies, Ed Wood Was The Best."


Criswell: Can your heart stand the true facts of the shocking story... of Edward D. Wood, Junior? [from opening monologue]

Ed Wood: Is there a script?
George Weiss: Fuck, no. But there's a poster. [he holds up a movie poster for "I Changed My Sex"]

Weiss: On the phone you said you had some "special qualifications"?
Ed: Mister Weiss... I have never told anyone what I'm about to tell you. But I really want this job. [pauses, takes a deep breath] I like to wear women's clothing.
Weiss: You're a fruit?
Ed: No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
Weiss: You're not a fruit?
Ed: No, I'm all man. I even fought in W.W. Two. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.

[Bela Lugosi is trying on coffins.]
Bela Lugosi: Too constrictive! I can't even fold my arms.
Coffin Salesman: Gee, Mister Lugosi, I-I've never had any complaints.
Bela: This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in. Your selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time!

Ed Wood: Mister Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin?
Bela: I'm planning on dying soon.
Ed: No!
Bela: Yes. I'm embarking on another truck and bus tour of "Dracula". Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable.

Ed: You know, you're, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movies.
Bela: Thank you.

Bela Lugosi: I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.
Ed Wood: Well... I have a car.

Ed Wood: Boy, Mister Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
Bela: I have no next picture.
Ed: You gotta be joking. A big star like you? You must have dozens of 'em lined up.
Bela: In the old days, yes. Now, no one gives two fucks for Bela.

Bela: This business, this town... it chews you up and spits you out. I'm just an ex-boogeyman.

Ed Wood: Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?
George Weiss: Tits.
Ed: No, better than that. A star!
Weiss: Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures, I make crap.
Ed: Yes — but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something!
Weiss: Yeah. Crap with a star.

Weiss: All right, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days. We start shooting a week from Monday.
Ed: Oh... oh, Mister Weiss, thank you so much! You won't regret it! I won't let you down!

[Dolores comes out of the bedroom to find Ed dressed in drag.]
Dolores Fuller: So that's where my sweater's been.

[Ed and Bela are watching Vampira's TV show.]
Ed Wood: Oh, I hate it when she interrupts the picture. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect.
Bela Lugosi: I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs!

[Bela is doing his trademark "hypnotic" hand gesture.]
Ed Wood: My gosh, Bela, how do you do that?
Bela Lugosi: You must be double-jointed. And you must be Hungarian.

[Bela arrives while Ed is on the phone with Bunny Breckinridge.]
Bela Lugosi: Eddie, you got me a new picture, eh?
Ed Wood: Yes. It's gonna be a great picture and you'll love your character. Have a seat. [back on phone] Listen, Bunny? Bela's here. I gotta go. Listen, work some parties, hit the bars, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! All right. Bye. [hangs up]
Bela: Eddie... what kind of a movie is this?

[Ed, dressed in drag for a scene as Glenda, addresses his crew on the first day of filming.]
Ed Wood: Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey: four days of hard work. But when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people.

Conrad Brooks: You know which movie of yours I love, Mister Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray". You were great as Karloff's sidekick.
Bela Lugosi: Karloff? Sidekick? FUCK YOU! Karloff does not deserve to smell my SHIT! That Limey cocksucker can rot in hell for all I care!
Ed Wood: W-what happened?
Bela: How dare that asshole bring up Karloff? You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein? It's all, all makeup, and-and grunting. [imitates Frankenstein] Grrr-Rrrr!
Ed: I agree, Bela. I agree a hundred percent. Now Dracula — there's a part that takes talent.

[On the set, Ed has taken to wearing women's clothing full-time.]
Ed Wood: But, Georgie, I'm proud! I wrote, directed, and starred in it, just like Orson Welles did in "Citizen Kane".
George Weiss: Yeah? Well, Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he?

Dolores Fuller: How can you walk around like that in front of all these people?
Ed: Well, hon, look around. Nobody's bothered but you.
Dolores: Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with a bunch of weirdos!

[Ed, Dolores, and Bunny are at a professional wrestling show.]
Bunny Breckinridge: Guess where I'm going next week.
Ed Wood: I don't know. Where?
Bunny: Me-hee-co. Guess what I'm doing when I get there.
Ed: I don't know — lie on a beach.
Bunny: Wrong. I'm getting my first series of hormone injections. And when those girls kick in, they're gonna take out my organs and make me... a woman.
Ed: Are you serious?
Bunny: It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. But it wasn't until I saw your movie that I realized I have to take action! Goodbye, penis!
Dolores Fuller: Would you please keep it down?

Ed Wood: Bela, what's in the needle?
Bela Lugosi: Morphine. With a Demerol chaser.

[Ed is on the phone with Mr. Feldman at Warner Brothers Studios.]
Ed Wood: So — we gonna be working together? [pauses to listen] Really? Worst film you ever saw. Well, my next one will be better. Hello. Hello?

Bela Lugosi: This... this live television is madness!

Criswell: And who may you be?
Ed Wood: Edward D. Wood, Junior.
Criswell: Ah — the director of "Glen or Glenda".
Ed: How'd you know?
Criswell: I am Criswell. I know all.

Bela Lugosi: At Universal, we used to shoot one or two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty, thirty — he's amazing!

Vampira: Look, buddy, I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist to get a part. Forget it.

[At the "wrap party" on completion of Bride of the Monster.]
Conrad Brooks: "Glen or Glenda". Now that was a great movie.
Paul DeMarco: Yeah, but this new one is gonna be a million times better.
Conrad: [awed] Is that possible?

Dolores Fuller: You people are INSANE! You're wasting your lives making crap! Nobody cares! These movies... are TERRIBLE!

Ed Wood: Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out some time. Grab some dinner, maybe.
Vampira: You mean a date? I thought you were a fag.
Ed: No, no. I'm just a transvestite.

Bela Lugosi: It's a wonderful idea! We'll be at peace! In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about finding work!

Nurse: OH! My goodness, you gave me the willies! You look like that Dracula guy.
Bela: My name is Bela Lugosi... and I wish to commit myself.
Nurse: For what reason?
Bela: I have been a drug addict for twenty years. I need help.

[Ed has hustled a group of reporters and photographers out of Bela's room at the sanitorium.]
Bela: Eddie, why did you chase them?
Ed: Bela, those people are parasites! They just wanna exploit you.
Bela: So what? Let them. Finally the press is interested again in Bela Lugosi. There is no such thing as bad press, Eddie. Man from New York even said he was going to put me on the front page — first celebrity ever to check into rehab.

[In the waiting room, Ed strikes up a conversation with a girl in an angora sweater.]
Ed Wood: Don't you think angora has a certain tactile sensuality lacking in all other fabrics?
Kathy O'Hara: Well, I suppose so. It is awfully expensive.
Ed: Well, it's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas.
Kathy: Say, what are you — an angora wholesaler?

[Ed and Kathy O'Hara are on a first date at a carnival.]
Ed Wood: I'm about to tell you something that I've never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know... [takes a deep breath] I like to wear women's clothing.
[There is a long pause.]
Kathy O'Hara: ...Huh?
Ed: I like to wear women's clothing. Panties, brassieres, pumps, sweaters... it's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I really like you and I don't want it getting in the way down the road.
Kathy: Does this mean... you don't like sex with girls?
Ed: No, I love sex with girls.
Kathy: [after a pause for thought] Okay.
Ed: Okay?
Kathy: Okay.

Bela Lugosi: I'm seventy, but I don't know it. When the mind is young, the spirit is still vigorous, like... [puts an arm around Ed] like a young man.

[Dr. Tom is practicing to be Bela Lugosi's "double".]
Dr. Tom: I vant to suck your blood! I vant to suck your blood!
Bunny Breckinridge: Let's hear you call Boris Karloff a cocksucker.

[To secure funding from a Baptist church, Ed's cast and crew must get baptized in a swimming pool.]
Vampira: [whispering] Why couldn't we do this in the church?
Criswell: [whispering] Because Brother Tor wouldn't fit in the sacred tub.

Minister: Welcome, brother! Do you reject Satan and all his works?
Bunny Breckinridge: Sure.
[Sputtering, newly baptized Bunny joins Ed at poolside.]
Bunny: How do you do it? How do you get all your friends to get baptized, just so you can make a monster movie?
Ed Wood: It's not a monster movie, it's a supernatural thriller.

[Ed's Baptist church sponsors dispute his directorial decisions.]
Mr. Reynolds: Mister Wood, do you know anything about the art of filmmaking?
Ed Wood: Well, I like to think so!

[The Baptists object to Tor Johnson's speaking part.]
Mr. Reynolds: Why does he have all the lines? The man's unintelligible!
Ed: Look, Lugosi's dead and Vampira won't talk. I had to give somebody the dialogue!

Ed: These Baptists are... stupid, stupid, STUPID!

Ed Wood: You're the ruler of the universe. Try to show a little taste!

Orson Welles: Visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams?

Criswell: Greeting my friends, we are all interested in the future because that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. [narrating for Plan 9 from Outer Space]

Criswell: And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future! [narrating for Plan 9 from Outer Space]

Ed Wood: This is the one. This is the one I'll be remembered for. [at premiere of Plan 9 from Outer Space]


See also

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