- In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."
Dress to Kill
- So, San Francisco! [singing] San Francisco, San Francisco … not "San Fran", no, apparently not! I didn't know that, I would've said "San Fran", but you'd go, "No, we don't like 'San Fran', fuck it!" Or what's the other one you don't like? Oh, "Frisco"! You don't like that either. [audience hisses] And you're a city of snakes, I see! Hsss! Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. Hsss! No other cities have snakes as much as you. I've been to New York, no fucking snakes; Paris, no snakes; London, no snakes; San Francisco, full of fucking snakes! Hsss! We did that at school! So you just call it [rolling eyes] "The City". Oh, right, "The City". And Oakland's just a collection of houses, is it?
- When I was a kid in school, the career advisor came to see us and said, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say?" And he took me aside and he said, "What d'ya wanna do, kid? What do you wanna do with your life? Tell me your dreams!" So I said, "I wanna be an astronaut! And go into outer space and discover things that no one's ever discovered before!" He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit." "All right, then I wanna work in a shoeshop! And discover shoes that no-one's ever discovered! Right at the back of the shop on the left …" He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit!" "All right, then I wanna work in a sewer. And discover sewage that no-one's ever discovered before. I'll pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to an art gallery." He said, "What the fuck have you been smoking, eh? You certainly haven't been smoking in a bar in California!" [to audience] Because you can't! Yes … no smoking in bars, and soon no drinking and no talking!
- Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare … And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, "What the fuck. What the fuck's this one do?" [miming pulling levers] Pulling levers, levers … Is it four levers that just do fuck all? That it? He's always ringing that bell, going, "Help! Help!" [imitates bell ringing] Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell … him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It's the same bell. Oh, yes. [Pause. Mimes writing on palm] "Never link those two together again."
- Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "Raar-ra-ra-yum-yum-yum". And occasionally they stop and they go [gasps and looks around, wide-eyed] As if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!"
- There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentalism. You know, like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! … Ah ha … Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can't have: "You must have tea and cake with the vicar... or you die!" Tea and cake or death! Students with beards, "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" Ca – you know, 'cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Everyone, – anyone could answer that. "Cake or death?" "Uhh, cake please." "Very well! Give him cake!" "Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice!" [points] "You! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake for me, too, please!" "Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. [points] You! Cake or death?" "Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. …" "You said death first, ahaaa, ahaaaa, death first!" "Well, I meant cake!" "Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake please." "Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush! So what do you want?" "What, so my choice is 'or death?' Well, then I'll have the chicken, please." "Tastes of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There we go thank you very much. Thank you for flying Church of England, Cake or Death? Cake or Death? Ah, Mr. Hitler, here's the vegetarian plate for you..."
- I mean, you trust them with your life! They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom. "What's this one all about?" "I have no idea … [slingshot] Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried!"
- On chiropractors
- His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdink! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through: "Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slut Bunwallah!" "What?" "All right, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steviebuns Buttrentrunden …" "No, Jerry Dorsey! I like–" "No, we can't … let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slut Bunwallah, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh … Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Dinglebert Wingledank …" "No, no, go back one!"
- "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon." "Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!"
- "Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong … Like I like my women: hot and ..strong … with a spoon in them."
- That's one saved fucking queen! It shouldn't be 'God save the queen,' it should be 'God attack the queen!' 'God attack the queen/Send big dogs after her/That bite her bum. Let them chase after her, And rip her knickers off...'"
- on the British national anthem
- This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so: "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religiones." [pause] He was from everywhere.
- On Martin Luther
- "Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord man, you're asking the impossible!" "But, the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!" "Well … yes, but they're cheating! Everyone knows that marijuana is a drug enhancement that helps you on track and field to come last in a team of eight million … eight million other runners who are all dead."
- "[Steve McQueen, in The Great Escape] jumps on a motorbike, took off,and whoom, in 15 minutes he's in the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland!... And if you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, Beyrouth, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, and then Switzerland!"
- I just swam like a boy chased by sharky-skarkies, I swam, I swam, and I swam, and I was in Egypt when they caught up with me. That's a long way from England, because it goes England, Venezuela, Beyrouth, Africa, Cincinnati, Hanging Gardens of Babylon!... It's near Switzerland."
Dress to Kill 1999
- I'm an executive transvestite.
- If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! End of your life!
- Yes, no smoking in bars now, and soon there'll be, no drinking and no talking! Be careful, California, you're supposed to be the crazy state – out there, the wild ones. Soon everybody will be saying, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time!" "Don't know where that book could be, mate...there's a lot of 'em about!"
- We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" And they're going, "You can't claim us, we live here! There's five hundred million of us!" - "Do you have a flag?" - "We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country, you bastard!" - "No flag, no country! You can't have one! That's the rules, that... I've just made up."
- After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer … "All right, come on, Europe, give these countries back. Britain?" "What?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh, it's India and a number of other countries." "Give them back." "Oh, all right. This one goes here and that one there. Oh, we need the Falkland Islands … for strategic sheep purposes."
- Hundred years ago Napoleon goes steaming into Russia going 'I'm going to kill them all! I'm going to kill th-...oooo its a bit cold it's a bit cold!' Then Hitler tries and goes 'I've a got a better idea, i've got a better ide-...noooo it's the same idea, it's the same idea!'
- In the 30s: Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, the second World War – the Russian front, not a good idea! Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid! 'Cause you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go for that Asia bit, but you couldn't fucking hold it! Stay in Australasia, that's the key. Then just pile up and pile up and pile up.
- Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est … est … le singe est disparu!
- I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. And, uh … oh yes. You tear your history down, man! Thirty years old, let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!
- There was a spirit of ex-empire, this thing of "things can't be done", whereas in America, I thought there was a spirit of "can be done!", the pioneer thing. "Go do it, what do you want to do?" "I want to put babies on spikes." "Go, then! Go! What a wonderful idea. It's the American Dream!"
- "Hi! I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!" They do! Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.
- "You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Lunch, Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death, Quick shower…'"
- Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in whenever something breaks out. Parachute Germans and Japanese in. They go, "Look, we've done this before, we've done the killing. Hello? Take it from us. Just chill, chill out!" And then they organise peace really efficiently: "Peace, peace, peace – peace is organized!"
- Italy invented fascism. Mussolini in 1922 said "Right, we're all fascists", but most Italian people are always on scooters, going, "Ciao!"
- They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth. How lucky is that? "This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle, guys, back on the boat."
- The Pilgrims' arrival in America
- The European Union: five hundred million people, two hundred languages – no one's got a clue what they're saying to each other!
- We had the Druids: long white robes, long white beards. Early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together.
- 'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap, you know... Jeff, the god of biscuits... and Simon, the god of hair-dos.
- "Now I'm going to marry my first wife, then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say, but stick with me, my story gets better! I'm going to marry my second wife, then I'm going to kill her! Cut her head off! Ah, you weren't expecting that, were you? Third wife, going to shoot her! Fourth wife, put her in a bag! Fifth wife, into outer space! Sixth wife on a Rotissomat! Seventh wife will be made out of jam …"
- As King Henry VIII to the Pope
- "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon?!"
- As the Pope to King Henry VIII
- "What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!"
- As the Pope to King Henry VIII
- So King Henry (who was played by Sean Connery for this picture) said: "Then I will set up a new religion in this country. I shall set up the... Psychotic Bastard Religion." And an aide said, "Why not call it Church of England, sire?" "Ah, Church of England, that's much better... even though I am Scottish, myself."
- As Henry VIII
- We've got known in Britain for making the smaller films. Recently we've been pulling out of that into the more Trainspotting area, but the smaller films, they got the Room with a View with a Staircase and a Pond type movie.
- Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, if the film did some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would take it, and they'd remake it and up the budget by 50 million and it would be called The Room With a View of Hell! … Staircase of Satan! … Pond of Death.
- We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War … oh yes, will you never forget - you big elephant you. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary War (as you well know...), they play more esoteric characters. They play characters who turn up and go, "My name is Pierre. I am 53. I have come to have sex with your family." And the father of the house saying, "Help yourself! Because of the debt of honour owed to General Lafayette." [to audience] You know your own history, yeah? [pause] You don't know who he is, do you? What's this, the Spanish-American War, the French-Banana war? What?
- But we play bad guys in Hollywood movies, like, take, uh, The Empire Strikes Back from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star – just full of British actors opening doors and going: "Oh, I'm … oh … oh." "What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the rebels, sir. They're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." "Damn! That's dashed cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader!" [hollow breath] "Uh … hello?" Because he was only impressive because he had that James Earl Jones voice: [deep voice] "I'm … I am Vader. The force is strong with you." If he had a much more [high wimpy voice]: "'Ello! Look, I'm Lord Vader, and just pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the force is strong with you." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Well, who told you that?" "Uh, s-some bloke. Yeah, he said the force is really rather strong with you." "Well, how strong?" "Uh, as strong as a small pony." "Oh, that's quite strong, that is." Film would never have fuckin' worked, would it?
- You've got to say something. You can't go down to the moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
- On Neil Armstrong's famous quote
- I like my coffee hot and strong, like i like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.
- "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today, as the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!" But no, at 13 you're just going, "'Ello Sue… I've got legs. D'ya like… bread? I've got a French loaf. [mimes smacking someone with the loaf and dashing off] Byeee! [high voice] I love you!"
- On puberty and lacking the verbal ability to chat up girls
- But in Britain we don't win many gold medals at the Olympics, because we've chosen not to. It's a political statement. 'cause we hate our national anthem. Because it's "God Save the Queen" you see. God save the queen. Now, the queen lives in a very big house with barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That's one saved fucking queen, I tell you.
- "You're a plumber? What on Earth is that?"
- On royals' intelligence.
- "Danger" could be my middle name … but it's "John".
- "I wanna live 'til I die; no more, no less."
- Beekeepers, yes… They've gotta want to be – "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom … I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps … and their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] 'Aaargh! I'm covered in bees! Aah! Covered in bees!'" 'Cause that's your job, isn't it? They must lose it – beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You know, you're there, you've got the netting, you've got 2,000 bees … "raarzzz-bzzzzz" … and essentially you're trying to steal honey. "Bzzzzz!" "Morning! Morning! Morning! Hello, hello! Knock-knock, coming in! Hello! … Look! There's a Ferrari over there – can you see that Ferrari? [stealing the honey] Yes, it's going very fast, isn't it? Well, good morning, thank you!" They must be walking back with all these bees around, and at some point, they must go: "What the fuck am I doing? I'm covered in bees! Help! I'm covered in bees!" And you don't get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go: "Hey! Oh, you're new here, aren't you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee – I can get you a coffee … You know, I like my coffee like I like my women – in a plastic cup!" [does double-take] Beekeepers can't do that! 2,000 bees: "bzzzzz" … "Hello there, you in the street! You're new, aren't you?" "Huh?" "Do you want a cup of coffee? It's no problem!" "Bzzzzz …" "No real problem …" "I don't want a cup of coffee from you! You're covered in bees!" "I-I like my women like I like my coffee, er, covered in bees! [to the bees] All right, back off, back off! Argh!"
- [God, who was James Mason, to Noah] "Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!" [Noah, who was Sean Connery] "I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible."
- Prince Phillip, he's a card! Has a habit of saying things like, "You're all a bunch of fuckers! Oops!". And he said to students visiting China, "Don't stay here too long, you'll get all slitty-eyed!", then, "Was that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry …"
- "I'm the Queen, I'll live forever, I'll never die, I'll live to a million!"
- "I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!"
- Back in the ‘40s and ‘50s they took sex out. I don’t know, the Noel Coward –sort of “Into Which We Serve”-type films…
[In a posh accent] “Darling, I’m off to the war.”
“Don’t go, darling, don’t go to the war.”
“I must go to the war, darling, they won’t start without me.”
“Don’t go, darling, it’s dangerous- rat-tat-tat boom, and all those noises.”
“I must go, darling, it’s my duty as a Cockney man.”
All the accents were really fucked, weren’t they? “We, as East enders – we as people from the East End of London, the working class of London, we must go with our strange accents… go to the war. I must do it.” If that’s the East End of London accent, then what’s a posh accent? “(exaggerated posh accent, complete nonsense)" said a posh person to me today… He also said, "(more nonsense)" And I believe him!
- "It’s my duty to go. Little Johnnie, little Susie, I’m off to the war.”
“Don’t go, Daddy, don’t go.”
“I must go.”
“Bring us back something, Daddy, will you?”
“I’ll bring you back a Nazi with real hair.”
- "Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I’m trying to be a myth; give us cash!”
“No, I’m not gonna give you cash.”
“Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?”
“No, I’m… comfortable.”
“That’s no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That’s not gonna swing, is it?”
- on Robin Hood
- They had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope… (mimes skipping rope) in case the clergy came by. “Run, run, it’s the clergy! Run, it’s the Pope and everyone.”
- about hopscotch
- Diana died! Diana died and...everyone's gone quiet. What's going on?
- I preferred Diana's direction to the Queen's direction. The Queen is very "Grrr" and Diana was slightly more "Oh!"
- The Queen Mother! Bom-bom-bom I'm the queen...The Queen Mother is amazing! She has artificial hips, she has mechanical arms, she has a bionic eye...she cost six million dollars! [Sings Six Million Dollar Man theme tune whilst miming running very slowly and waving like the Queen Mother] dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit Papparazzi, two thousand yards! Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit [resumes theme tune] Off with the tiara! [Mimes throwing tiara like a discus] Sh-d-d-d-pow!
- Armageddon is Australian for 'Armageddon outta here!'
- I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-JOY! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, 'This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got THIS thing!' And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! [mimes doing so] Forget them! Fuck 'em! [mimes turning on a computer] On. [mimes typing] I must know how this works, I've used machines before! [nonsense sound-effect singing] Come on... come on... come on... This bit comes off, I think. [mimes breaking something on the computer] And then you smash it with a hammer! [mimes doing so] I get really fucked off with the machines.
- People on movies are always so professional with computers.
[Mimes using a computer] "Hacking into Pentagon. Double click on 'yes'". Oh password protected. Ok sixteen billion possible combinations. 'Jeff'. Hey!"
"But how did you know?"
"Well the programmer left a back door so he could come on when ever he wanted and look at all the missiles and try them on his head. And the programmer's name was Jeff Jefferty Jeff, born on the nineteenth of Jeff nineteen jefferty-jeff so i typed in 'Jeff' and hey!"
- "My name is Mrs. Smith, I’ve made apples out of bread and dripping, a bit of green paint, and corrugated iron."
"No, these are horrible apples, Mrs. Smith. Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away until your daughter has a baby."
"Shag, daughter, shag! It’s a marketing idea, shag for babies! (mimes running back) My daughter’s had a baby, I’m Granny Smith now!"
"Come in, Granny Smith! You're a wonderful idea, you! Come in with your shiny apples."
- Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!"
- "What? … The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? … They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? … They're coming on Elephants? … Where'd they get the Elephants? There aren't any Elephants in Europe. This I got to see … are you sure? … It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh."
- "If you've never seen an Elephant ski, then you've never been on acid."
- Pavlov's Cats:
Day One: Rang bell, cat fucked off. (Oh dear)
Day Two: Rang bell, cat went and answered door.
Day Three: Rang bell, cat said he had eaten earlier. (cheeky bugger)
Day Four: Went to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries.
Final Day, Day Five: Went and rang bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell so it only made a thunk noise. Then cat rang his own bell.
I ate food.
Live At The Ambassador's
- Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they're two words which are both … different. In spelling.
- Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
- She said, "Spell 'ant'", and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, "That doesn't spell 'ant'", and I said, "It's in there somewhere! There's the 'A', there's the 'N', there's the 'T' – the rest are silent!"
- And we're going "Oh, Captain Clever! Whoahoho! Rattle it and if it doesn't go off, it can't be a bomb!"
- But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:
- Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabbiata.
- Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray.
- Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?
- Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?
- Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
- Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray.
- Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, for which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.
- Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.
- Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.
- Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This is a canteen, I work here.
- Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.
- Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?
- Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!
- Canteen Worker: This is a star?
- Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I'm your boss.
- Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?
- Darth Vader: No, I'm … who is Mr. Stevens?
- Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering.
- Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.
- Canteen Worker: Wha'?
- Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I'll get a tray, fuck it. This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!
- Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all'arrabbiata. That'd be very nice.
- Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?
- Canteen Worker: That's Jeff Vader that is!
- Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.
- Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?
- Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star.
- Other guy: You Jeff Vader?
- Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.
- Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?
- Darth Vader: I can't get his … no, I'm Jeff … all right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!
- Other guy: Could I have your autograph?
- Darth Vader: No, fuck off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all'arrabbiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!
- Canteen Worker: Whoooo. Do you want peas with that?
- Darth Vader: Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in … you can't put …it doesn't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.
Yes, and the Crusades were, "We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Wait, we have Jesus too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Do you? Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!"
"No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!"
"Look, it's just we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home."
- Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a [air quotes] "Genocidal Fuckhead [pause; air quotes again] with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and since then History has renamed Pius XII as "Pope Gutless Bastard I".
- There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism... and they've got gods like Shiva, the God of Creation and Destruction. Which is a good god to be, 'cause you can go *WHOOM* (creates thing) "What do you think? Do you like that? You don't like that?" *WHOOM* (destroys thing) If you're just the God of Creation, you're going *WHOOM* "Do you like that? You don't? All right, I'll put it in the garage... shit, I haven't got a garage! *WHOOM* (creates garage)
- Make-up's just crazy anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them... until uhh... well, until you killed them all."
- The major five religions being Christianity, Judaism, Islam, RCA, Sony, Buddhism and Hinduism. Because apart from the two silly ones, they've all got Jesus in them. I'm not telling you about the two silly ones. ("RCA, they're in the Middle East, aren't they?") Cost if you can't work out what they are, you're probably the person in the plane who watches when they do the belt bit.
- And then the Roman Empire fell. It fell like this: "oh, shit"
Then they'd beam down to an oval of gravel with 6 big rocks in the back … every week. "Oh Captain, strong déjà-vu here." And they'd get out these machines:
Widly-we widly-we widly-we widly-we widly-we
"Captain, this entire planet is made of widly-we. And so are you Captain, and Chekov, and Sulu, and Uhura, and everything we've ever thought of is widly-we. I think this might just be a box with widly-we written on it.'"
- On Star Trek
- He's quite confident for a bloke in a dress!
- I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
- Source: "Lust for Glorious"
- I am two lesbians in a man's body.
- You stroke a dog, the dog goes, “oooooooo…” and cats go (purring/drilling sound), because they’re drilling, aren’t they? That’s what they’re doing. They’re drilling, they drill for gold! They drill for oil, they drill for anything! Just for the love of drilling! When they’re behind your sofa, they’re just drilling. (mimes drilling) They’ve got goggles on, it’s okay! There’s a compressor over there...Your friends come and say, “I think your cat’s drilling behind your sofa!” “I don’t think so, that’s purring, that noise, isn’t it? Cat, are you drilling?” And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles, (mimes coming from behind the sofa), “No, no… Drilling? No! No, I’m a cat! How would I know how to drill? That’s purring you’re thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here… no drilling. No, no, okay… “ (mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling) Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it.
- Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.
- You have no control over your cat! You can’t say to your cat, “Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!” ‘Cause the cat’s just gonna be sitting there going, “Interesting words… Have you finished?” While you’re shouting all this to your cat, your dog’s next to you, going… (mimes obeying all commands) “What the hell are you doing? I’m talking to the cat!” “Oh, I’m sorry!”
- We throw sticks at dogs, that’s the level we have dogs at. You’d never dream of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, “Oh, he’s dropped his stick! I better go and get that… (mimes chasing after the stick) Saw you dropped your stick there. Thought I’d bring it back… And you hang on… (mimes giving the stick back and follows it with eyes as it’s thrown again) Did you see me just bring that back? And then you...you dropped it again? This is very weird I don't know what’s going on here (mimes bringing the stick back again) Now hang on to it this time, I don’t want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you… Don’t fucking throw it!!” That’s why the third time, when they come back, they won’t give it to you, they go, (through clenched teeth) “No… I won’t let you take it!”
- And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… "Fwang" (mimes cat jumping) Lands perfectly, and turn… turn… and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … (mimes wobbling) You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, (mimes tentative walk) “Fucking ‘ell..! I’m not sure about this…” and a cat on the ground, going, “Easy, Ginger! Walk it out!”
- Some people say “Oh, I wish I was a transvestite!” and I say, “Well, if you work hard at school, maybe one day, you know… After your exams…”
- On the Netherlands and marijuana: "Have you seen the canals?" "I am a canal!!"
- Or if it's Shakespeare in the West End, then it's moody lighting, three old people saying, "When shall we three meet again? Tuesday? Okay."
- So... Uh... I'd better explain the tits. Umm...didn’t have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum...even though I asked.
- It didn’t seem to work, cause no matter how much make up I wore people just kept saying,
”Yes, Sir!, Would you like tea with that Sir?!”
“Yes, I would like tea, why don’t you put it on my breasts?”
"Certainly, tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
"No, just fuck off"
- So, I thought its not working, so I threw my breasts out of the window of my Lamborghini (points to his head) In my mind...No, I threw the breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta, (points to his head again) In my mind. Actually, I threw them out, over the handlebars of my bicycle, (points to his head and mouths the words) in my mind. And they hit a small child who ran,
"Mum, Mum, Mum... I’ve been attacked by... jellyfish! Jellyfish drive by shooting, just like south central L.A.”
“Jellyfish attacked me!”
“Where are the tentacles?”
“I dunno, probably burned up on re-entry. Probably from Mars, Mum. Can I keep them and shove them up my jumper?”
- These are not implants, they're nice and squidgy, but they're not... they're ims, but they're not planted. They're just ims. Just your regular common or house garden ims.
- You’ve heard on aeroplanes, they explode? And that is true, it happened to me ah, over thirty thousand feet. (mimes as if he’s just having a conversation on a plane, and then his left breast explodes) “BrrpphhZZZ” (Mimes wiping exploded stuff off of his chest and then mimes reaching up and pushing the stewardess button overhead) “Sorry about this... Buung!” (Mimes having a sip of drink while waiting for service) “Yes, my left breast has... exploded. Have you got a pillow? Oh, and some more nibblie, nibblies?” But then you’ve got one L cup boob and a D cup boob, and you get a lot of looks! I already get a lot of looks. So by the end it, I’ve got the fork… (Mimes stabbing himself in the right breast, then reaching up and pushing the overhead service call button again.) “Buung!” "Another pillow” And you go off with the biggest tits in Christendom... as the crusaders used to say!
- Where the fuck was I? What was I talking about? (Leans ear toward audience) Breasts, yes I know generally, but how far down the breast line was I? Oh yes oh yes, exploding in aeroplanes. True, true, true. Except for the lies.
"So look I did this yesterday, I spin a twig and it makes smoke and it makes orange and yellow stuff, and its kinda warm. I’m going to be famous, Sheila!"
"You’re not either, come and have your salad."
"I’m going to! invent this, and…"
"Jeff Fire!, You are not going to be famous!"
"I am Sheila! And you know what? I’m going to call it Jeff!
For years they would say "Throw another log on the Jeff. Just put a Barbie on the Jeff!" Oooh early porn.
- "So, what's my point? And racist people, interestingly are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that?
Smokers always go, Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette. Racist people never go, Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside...fucking blue people eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters..
- And there were two types of Human bipedy type things! There was Neanderthals, and Homo Sapiens. We were like cousins, like kissing cousins, except we didn't kiss. Neanderthals, of course, heavy eyebrow-ridge, were kind of:
"Uh... uohh... ohha"You know, with that look of "I've got a headache...". Very hardy, but not so bright upstairs. Whereas Homo Sapiens were slightly more:
"How're you getting on, Neanderthal? Everything... all going alright?"
Neanderthal: "Erm, not too good... yesterday... we went hunting... and... half our tribe... was killed... when they fell on themselves... and I... I've hurt my knee... and we've got no... butter."
Homo Sapien: "Yes, well always good talking to you! Must go, got some swatches of moss for the new cave we're moving into. A local chap's doing some paintings of things, jumping things... Gazelles... or whatever. It's pretty good, should fetch a pretty penny in a couple of years. Where are you living these days?"
Neanderthal: "I am living in a pit of my own excrement."
Homo Sapien: "Ah, good idea, keeps you warm, yeah?"
Neanderthal: "Uh, what?"
Homo Sapien: "Well your poo keeps you warm, is that right?"
Neanderthal "Uh thi th h...?"
Homo Sapien: "Your poo, from your body... body heat... is that the idea...?"
Neanderthal: "Um no, sort of that... the estate agent said bathroom en-suite."
- So Neanderthals, they died out. Two hundred thousand years - they developed for two hundred thousand years, and then went "Ah, fuck it!".
- And thank god they died, 'cause if they had made it through, then humans - Homo Sapiens - wouldn't have made it, and everything would be different! Television would be... you know, Book of the Month club on television would be:
Neanderthal presenter: "And now we have the professer... uh... whaddayou think of this book?"
Neanderthal professor: "Wha...?"
Presenter: "What do you think of this book, in a critical way?"
Professor: "It's alright..."
Presenter: "There you have it, it's alright!"
- Did God invent us, or we invent God?
- On the banners atop some Wikipedia pages: "Some of this is shit."
- What's wrong with wanting an ox? It's the whole basis of trade!
- Never cover thy neighbor's ox.
- Badgers can be choosers.
- Cough* "Tiger" *Cough*
- And then Darwin wrote a book called: Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey YOU!
- If God wrote the Bible, the first sentence should surely be...it's ROUND!