Epic Movie

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We dribble away our life, little by little, in small packages—we don't throw it away all at once.
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Epic Movie is a 2007 film that is a comedic satire of films that are large in scope, reputation and popularity.

Written and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.


  • [referring to a painting of Tom Hanks with his crazy hair in The Da Vinci Code] 'So lame the hair of Tom'... Lame... that's a seven letter word!
  • Holy shit, a talking beaver!
  • I'm sorry, was the fight over? I didn't know.


  • [as the White Bitch pulls up in her turbo sled] Whoa, Stifler's mom!
    • [unrated version] Whoa, MILF!


  • Willy: Who wants to chew my gumballs?
  • Peter: Monobrow! Monobrow! King wants a monobrow!
  • Peter: [as Superman] You shot me in the fuckin' eye! That really hurts! Why would you do that?! That was so unnecessary! You bastard!
  • Kanye West look-alike: [while Lucy is viewing the camera from Mr. Tumnus] The White Bitch doesn't care about black people.
  • Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: Shit, bitch, I'm always yellin'! I'm Samuel goddamn Jackson!
  • Borat look-alike: Jagshemash! My name-a Borat. You did it! You made moviefilm have happy ending! [the water wheel runs over the orphans] Not!
  • White Bitch: I hate those fuckin' kids.
  • Paris Hilton look-alike: I'm so hot. [yells as she gets crushed by Susan, who was thrown off the plane]
  • Mr. Tumnus : Screw Gnarnia!
  • White Bitch: [trying to read] The...keeds...have...esca-pe-duh.


Ashton Kutcher look-a-like: Yes! *jumps in with camera crew* Yes! You just got Punk'd! Yes! Yes! Yeah, he did it! He did it! C'mere, say it to the camera! Say it to the camera, c'mon, say it right there! *Edward stutters* Say it!
Edward: I-I just... I just got Punk'd.
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: Ah, schwow!
*Change to Punk'd-like skit*:
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: *making exaggerated moves mocking Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd skits* Yeah! We just Punk'd Edward! Schwow! Schwow! Yeah! That was awesome! Yeah! Yes! This thing, up here, it's all me, baby! The trucker hat! That's awesome! I did it! You love it! You'll take it! Punk'd him!
*Change back to previous scene*:
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: *gibbering excitedly still over the joke* Oh, my gosh, that was really funny, oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! *he continues*
Edward: *yells in fury, Ashton still gibbering* Dude, you are so annoying!! *Punches Ashton, knocking him down and shutting him up*
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: *gets up after a few seconds, resuming his gibberish and his crazy movements* But oh, my gosh! That was really funny! *he continues*
Edward: *keeps punching him, Ashton replying with a "Schwow!" with every punch, until Ashton falls over* Corny-ass trucker hat!
Ashton Kutcher look-alike: *flicks snow up at Edward in a childish manner* Schwow! Schwow....

White Bitch: Behold, my White Castle. [she points to a White Castle restaurant across from them]
Edward: White Castle? I think I've been there before.

Willy: Children, do you wanna know what makes all my candy taste so special?
Edward: Uh-huh.
Willy: It's a special secret ingredient. It's real human parts! There's gonna be a little itty-bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy, literally!

Edward: A chocolate river! Mmm! Chocolate! Ha ha ha ha!
Willy: That's actually the sewer line.

Peter: [about the frozen White Bitch] We will create a democratic society, and give her a fair trail, and-
[Jack Swallows comes rolling by on the wooden wheel and runs over the Bitch]
Captain Jack Swallows: Take that, bitch!
Peter: [Pauses] Ah, screw her anyways.

Peter: We have something the White Bitch doesn't.
Lucy: Perky breasts?

Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!
Susan: I know, please help!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!
Susan: I know...
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!
Susan: Why do you keep saying that?!
Samuel L. Jackson look-alike: 'Cause Internet bloggers love when I say "I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!". I'm Samuel goddamn Jackson!

Captain Jack Swallows: I'll get you for this...you...you...bitch!

"Harry Potter": Welcome! My name is Harry Potter!
Susan: Aren't you a little old to still be in school?
"Harry Potter": Nonsense. I am but 14. [he looks at least 30] As are my two best friends, Ron and Hermione!

Silas: (in Latin) Habeas corpus. E pluribus unum. (English subtitles) I'm-a gonna drop you like K-Fed!

[Peter removes his jacket and wing straps]
Cyclops: He's unleashing his powers!
Storm: He's gonna spread angel wings!
[Peter squwaks like a chicken and turns around showing the small-sized wings on his back; then everyone starts laughing]
Mystique: More like chicken wings!
Magneto: Break it up. Break it up. You all know Peter is too much of a pussy to stand up for himself.

Peter: [to Mystique] Would you like to come to the homecoming dance with me?
Mystique: As if.

Harry Beaver: May I present the kings and queens of Gnarnia: Peter, the Heroic; Susan, the Just; Edward, the Loyal; and Lucy, the Dumb-shit!

Silas: (in Latin) In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. (English subtitles) I'm gonna go Jackie Chan on your ass!

Silas: (in Latin) Persona non grata. Magna cum laude. (English subtitles) Fo-sheezy, White Beezy.

Silas: (in Latin) Urts-hay oh-say ood-gay! (English subtitles) Beat me like Bobby beats Whitney! (allegedly)

Silas: (in Latin) Et tu, Brute? (English subtitles) I'm Rick James, bitch!

Edward: Captain Morgan! I love your rum.
Captain Jack Swallows: No. Captain Jack...Swallows... t your service.
Edward: Jack Swallows? That's kinda gay, dude.

Aslo: Have your Dr. Phil moment later. Now, get outta here!

Edward: I even got a tattoo with your name on it! [takes off his shirt, exposing what appears to be 50 Cent's tattoo]
White Bitch: That looks more like 50 Cent's tattoo, you idiot.
Edward: Shit! They did the wrong one!

Aslo: Where you goin', doll-face? I just took my Cialis!
Aslo's girl: Screw you, Aslo!

"Hermione": Hope you chicks are on the pill. Harry likes to get wasted, then show off his "sorcerer's stones". [farts]
Susan: They are definitely too old to still be doin' this shit!

Edward: I'm going to be a lucha libre wrestler!
Nacho Libre: You think you are better than the other orphans? [takes off his robe] Nacho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...cheese Doritos..are delicious!

White Bitch: This crystal will finally put an end to the resistance. I will start a series of earthquakes that will collapse all of Gnarnia and grow a new continent where only I and my followers will live.
Bink: Yo, Bitch, that's pretty much the plot of Superman Returns.
White Bitch: Pretty much, yeah.

Lucy: I don't get it.
Man in "The Last Supper": You're all related! Brothers and sisters! You're a family, for Christ's sake! [Jesus rolls his eyes] Sorry.

Lauren Conrad: Nice hair, Rogue. [Rogue touches her, causing her to fall to the ground, seemingly dead]

Edward: Now we're gonna be stuck here 'til we die.
Peter: Shut up, Edward! You're scaring her.
Edward: Don't tell me what to do! You're not my father!

Susan: Let us out, freak!
Lucy: Let us out, freak!
Willy: No, no. I can't do that.
Susan: Yes, you can!

Peter [to Lucy]: What are you doing?
Lucy: Willy told me he wanted his knob polished.
Susan: Dumb ass.

Susan: I never had anyone. I raised myself.
Lucy: That's why you have such a tough exterior!


Lazy Pirate Day

Yo, yo, yo
check this out
Lazy Pirate Day
Set sail in the afternoon
We got these dope-ass grillz
From melted doubloons
I named my ship Fantasia
After the American Idol winner
You should have named it Studdard
Yeah, yeah, boy
That's one big brother!
Seacrest out, out, out
We are the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Yes, the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
You love us Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Bruckheimer's Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Check me out, boys
I got real big *beep*
I know all you Pirates
Wanna *beep*
Thinkin' about puttin' ya *beep*
In my *beep*
I know you're beggin' *beep*
When ya *beep*
In my *beep beep*
Oh yeah
Take out your swords and *beep beep beep*
*beep beep beep beep*
Lick *beep beep*
And suck *beep beep*
We are the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Yes, the Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
You love us Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Bruckheimer's Pirates (What?)
Of the Caribbean
Word to the Kraken!


  • We Know It's Big. We Measured.


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