Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.Bertrand Russell
- Evan: I feel like that old Indian in front of all the garbage. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter for Eyewitness News. Goodnight.
- Rita: [to Evan] Why do you sound like Evan but look like a Bee Gee?
- God: How do you change the world?
- Evan: One single act of random kindness at a time.
- God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on the ground with a stick] One Act, of Random, Kindness.
- God: I now issue a new commandment: "Thou shalt do the dance."
- Reporter: Evan may be correct with the prediction on the weather but with a little miscalculation as to the quantity.
- God: (to Evan) Build the ark. And if anybody asks, just say, a flood is coming.
- God: I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.
- Evan: Where are we?
- God: Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live son. This is Prestige Crest.
- Evan: So, you're... really... HIM?
- God: Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.
- Evan: No. No. I believe you. But why me?
- God: You said you want to change the world.
- God: I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know, a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think it’s about God’s wrath and anger. They love it when God gets angry.
- Joan: What is the story about, then? The ark?
- God: Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.
- Joan: But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?
- God: Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy.
- Evan: Do we have anything unleavened?
- Joan: Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.
- Evan: SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!
- A comedy of Biblical proportions.
- Flooding into cinemas soon.
- Evan help us.
- Why are all of these animals following Evan Baxter? God only knows.
- God has a great design. Guess who's building it?
- Steve Carell - Evan Baxter
- Morgan Freeman - God
- Lauren Graham - Joan Baxter
- John Goodman - Congressman Long
- Wanda Sykes - Rita Daniels
- John Michael Higgins - Marty Stringer
- Jonah Hill - Eugene
- Jimmy Bennett - Ryan Baxter
- Graham Phillips - Jordan Baxter
- Molly Shannon - Eve Adams
- Ed Helms - Ed Helms
- Maile Flanagan - Mail Person
- Jon Stewart - Himself
- Catherine Bell - Susan Ortega (uncredited)
- P.J. Byrne - Evan's Staffer #1