Family Guy/Season 3

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No burden is so heavy for a man to bear as a succession of happy days.
Max Muller
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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

The Thin White Line

Brian: [describing The Blair Witch Project to a blind man] Okay, they're in-they're in the woods...the camera keeps on moving...uh, I think they're-they're looking for some witch or something, I-I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening...nothing's happening...something about a map...nothing's happening...it's over. [looks around] A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Meg: Wow, Brian, have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret.
Brian: [high on cocaine] Here's a hint: Put down the fork! [pushes his hand out] FACE!

Brian: [high on cocaine] My day? Un-freakin'-believable. First-first we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll-HER DOLL for God's sake! [takes a cigarette puff] Oh, where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's-it's-it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mud puddle. One-one day y-you see, you see your reflection in it and the next day it's-it's a-it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!
Peter: [pause] You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

Lois: Oh, "The Old Man and the Sea." I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise.
Peter: Yeah. Stupid fisherman. Sitting out there in a boat yammering to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him.

Stewie: Oh, splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home.
Brian: [with a hooker] Everybody, this is Tina.
Meg: What happened to you?
Brian: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!?
Stewie: You know, just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.

Brian: [to Meg and Chris] And look at you two: Quasimodo and Lumpy. I-I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn!
Stewie: [refering to the insults] Ooh ooh! Do me, do me next!

Peter: [reading his note] Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. I miss the good old days when you were my sidekick.
[cutaway to Peter immitating David Letterman]
Peter: Uh, so she hated my tie...until I told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber. [studio audience laughs, then Peter gets up close to the camera and preens himself in a matter similar to Letterman] Hey uh, Brian. How about a little tie music?
Brian: [singing a'la Paul Shaffer] Peter's tie, Peter's tie, that's because, Peter's the guy! All right, that's it. A little tie music.
Peter: Ye hee hee! Yeah!

Stewie: Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is: A melan-collie. [laughs by himself, followed by silence] Nothing? Oh, wait-wait-wait, no, I-I should've said, I should have said: "Chew-wah-wah." [laughs by himself again; silence] I don't have to fucking impress you!

Brian: [after discovering Peter in his room at the rehab clinic] What the hell are you doing here?
Peter: I'm on vacation, oh and if anyone asks I'm also on smack.

Peter: Well, I don't pay you to think, hot lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. [makes basketball motion] Count it!
Rehab Counselor: I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name?
Peter: Uh, my-my name? [looks around room] Uh...uh...uh, uh... [sees a pea on someone's plate] Pea... uh, uh...uh... [sees a woman crying] tear...uh...uh... [sees a Griffin inexplicably fly across the room] Griffin. Yeah, yeah, Peter Griffin! Aw crap.

Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood

Announcer: Previously on Family Guy...
Lois: [hangs up phone] Oh, my God, tell your father not to start the car! [outside, the car blows up]
Stewie: [interrorgating a man] You want my badge number? Here, Here's my freaking badge number! [hits guy in the face with badge]
Lois: [as a lawyer] I can't lose this case!
Peter: Lois, the case is already over!
Chris: [crying] [sees Quagmire lying dead on the floor] Who did this to you?!
Lois: [looking in a microscope] In all my years of research I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly!
[We see Peter and Cleveland on a speedboat; they crash into the dock]
Brian: [on the phone] Everyone I've told about the file is dead!
Meg: [disarming a bomb] What do you mean, cut the blue wire? They're all blue wires!
[We see Peter and Chris shooting guns; then scene changes to Peter in a hospital bed]
Meg: Face it, he's never coming out of that coma! [Lois slaps her]
[We see Stewie hanging from a helicopter, firing a gun at it. It explodes, and he falls through a glass celing]
Peter: [gasps] Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

Peter: Jeez, I haven't been to California since I lived with my other family.
[flashback to Peter living with the Manson Family]
Peter: Guys, I just got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house! Now, you guys can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.

Stewie: Oh, God, look at me - having sex with a pig. I've become my father!

[The Griffins file down the aisle of the plane. A grumpy-looking man sees that Lois and Stewie sit down behind him. He rolls his eyes.]
Grumpy man: Oh, great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What? What did you just say?!
[Stewie struggles to get out of Lois's arms]
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. [smacks the back of the man's head with his open palm] If you've got something to say, say it to my face. [the guy looks annoyed and then goes back to reading his paper] Oh, you can't hear me now? All right, that's it, I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next five hours you're my bitch. [gets on his back and viciously kicks the back of the man's seat] Wah! Wah! My ears are popping and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet! Who knows? I'm a baby! Wah! Wah!

Brian: Hey, y'know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.

Bill Cosby: [wearing Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

Lois: [in a dream] My God, it all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination!
Stewie: [clapping] Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line.
Lois: Stewie! All these months I should have been paying attention to what you've been saying! You're an evil child. Why, why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?!
Stewie: Cheer up, mother, you should be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world! Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!
[Stewie opens a hole in the floor which Lois falls through; Lois wakes up from the dream]
Peter: Lois... Lois, what's the matter?
Lois: Oh... I just had the strangest dream. Something about Stewie... and Cheerios... huh, it's gone.

Lois: Peter, you can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game.
Peter: Ah, there's nothing these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.
[Cutaway to an Inner-City Street, where two teenagers are on the corner. The younger one checks his watch]
Younger teenager: It's 3:00, where the hell is Louie?
Older teenager: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?
Younger teenager: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Older teenager: [tousles the younger teenager's hair, pleased] That's what we call a "variable".

[Chris holds up a sign that reads "John 3:16"]
Meg: What does that mean?
Brian: [reading from the Bible] "And the Lord said: 'Go, Sox!'".

Meg: Dad, don't you have to work today?
Peter: Eh, it's nothin' a little phone call can't take care of. [picks up the phone and dials]
Mr. Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable. I'll see you tomorrow. [hangs up] Eh?
Brian: Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. [Chris, Meg and Peter all gasp, shocked] Too soon?

[Peter gives Stewie a baseball]
Stewie: [to a boy sitting next to him] I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat.
Boy: Sure! [they trade, then Stewie whacks him with the bat. He takes his ball back]
Stewie: What did you learn?

Chris: Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.

Brian: Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising.
[Cutaway to "Lassie" in black and white.]
Woman: Timmy, where's Lassie?
Timmy: She's out in the orchard, Mom. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year.
[a man named Jerry appears on screen for an instant]
Jerry: Smoke.
[cut back to Mom and Timmy]
Mom: You know what they say, Timmy: "Early peaches, long summers."
[cut back to Jerry]
Jerry: Smoke.
[cut back to a back view of Mom and Timmy. Lassie has just entered]
Timmy: What's that, Lassie?
[cut back to Jerry]
Jerry: Are you smokin' yet?

Peter: Don't worry, Lois, I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with Chris.
[Cutaway to a Whale Watching Boat, where Peter and Chris look out at the ocean as a whale breaches the surface.]
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Peter: You shoulda seen the way they were treating me. I've never gotten that kind of respect before.
[Cutaway to the Community Pool, where Peter, wearing a shirt that says "Coach" and a whistle around his neck, talks to Bobby, a boy who is pulling himself up out of the pool.]
Peter: Great workout, Bobby.
Bobby: Up yours, sack breath.
Peter: That's Mister Griffin.

Lois: But, Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second- AHLP!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

Stewie: [sliding by naked on the Teflon-coated floor] I'm "Nudes On Ice"!

Peter: Washington? Ah, sweet! Hey, I'm your man. But I gotta warn ya, I've made some enemies on the Hill.
[Cutaway to a Senate Hearing Room, where Peter is seated at the witness table in the packed room]
Peter: And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures. [chokes up]
Senator: Mr. Griffin, we have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you've never been in the same state. How do you respond to that? [Peter's eyes shift back and forth a few times. Then he grabs the microphone with both hands.]
Peter: Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! [2 guards grab him] Baba-booie! Baba-Booie! Baba-Booie!

Lois: Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?
Brian: Piss off!
Lois: What?!
Brian: I'm-I'm sorry, it-it just, feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm-I'm just a bit testy- [to Meg] STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!!

Peter: Hey, hey Armey, hey, hey, what's your wife's name? Vagina Coast Guard?

Peter You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her: Smoking.
Al Gore: You have our support, Griffin.

Chris: If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it!

Stewie: Um, you know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, and she has gotten faaaat!

Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. Hehehehehe!
[Cut to Alyssa Milano in real life, watching the show]
Alyssa Milano: What kind of cheap shot... Joel!
Joel: I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it.

Stewie: [grabs a cigarette from a congressman] Baby needs to suck ash, Baby needs to suck ash... [to another congressman who reaches for Stewie] Not "ass", you pervert. Save it for the interns. [Lois glares at him]

Peter: [with the family standing by him] Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, we've had a lot of laughs tonight, but I'll tell you what's not funny- killin' strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain at a VIP room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em...'cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone! [he and the family wave good-bye to the camera]

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Quagmire: Here's to The Drunken Clam, boys, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!
Cleveland: Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".
Quagmire: Really? Huh, I thought I did. Oh well, just to be safe... OH!!!

Peter: Relax, Chris, nothing bad ever happens when you're asleep. In fact, sometimes good things can happen.
[Cutaway to Peter and Lois asleep]
Peter: [in his sleep] Oh, Jeni... Jeni... oh, yeah, Jeni, don't stop... [Lois wakes up and glares at him angrily] Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO Comedy Specials have brought pleasure to millions. [Lois smiles in relief and goes back to sleep] And what a sweet ass. [Lois' eyes pop open in shock]

Diane Simmons: Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?
Tricia Takanawa: Diane, I am here in... [gets knocked away by a car]
Diane Simmons: Thank you, Tricia.

[Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire walk into what used to be The Drunken Clam]
Bartender: Evening, gents! How about a nice warm lager?
British Man #1: And help yourself to a packet of crisps.
British Man #2: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding!
Peter: Holy crap! It's a gay bar!

Peter: [about a British man's statement] Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette.
Peter: Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

Quagmire: Hey, guys! There's no more girlie magazines in the can! All they got is this... David Copperfield.
Peter: W-w-wait. Any pictures of his girlfriend?
Quagmire: No! No pictures at all!

Nigel Pinchley: Bit of an awkward moment, really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.

Lois: Nigel's charming, all British men are.
Peter: Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.
[Cutaway to Disraeli writing in an office]
Benjamin Disraeli: [to audience] You don't even know who I am!

Quagmire: [to lesbians] So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Peter: I say we fight the British and drive them back to whatever country they came from!

Brian: Well, why don't you teach her? Unless you don't think you're up to it.
Stewie: Oh, yes, this the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it!" [laughs] Well, I am! I accept your challenge. At the celebration of her birthday, I shall pass that guttersnipe off as a lady. And what are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well. And if I win?
Brian: Oh, I-I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week? [he leaves the room]
Stewie: ...You're on!

Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up about halfway through.

Tom Tucker: Our top story: the Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene.
Tricia Takanawa: Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like. [cuts to a picture of a giant, fire-breathing, insect-like monster] Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact Quahog police immediately. One thing is certain: the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase "Hey, check out that flaming queen".
Tom Tucker: In a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria... J-J-Jimen...
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know what it is.
Maria Jimenez: [outside the Griffin's house] Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.
Peter: [watching the news] Aw, this is better than COPS. You know there's a fat drunk guy in there. [the cops rush in. Peter is still focusing on the TV]
Cop 1: Hold it!
Cop 2: Freeze! [Lois yells]
Peter: There he is.
Cop 2: Hands up, Griffin! You're coming with us.
Peter: Hey, hang on, hang on, I want to see what they do with this jackass.
Cop 2: Hands up!
Lois: Oh, my God! Peter, you didn't!
Peter: Hey, fatty's wife is a babe!
Cop 2: That's it! [they wrestle Peter to the ground]
Maria Jimenez: Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities.
[cut to the giant roach]
Bad Roach: Good. Good.
Peter: Aw, aw, the fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy... [gets knocked out]

Judge: You are clearly guilty of arson. So you are free to go... [Peter and his friends sigh in relief] ...straight to jail! Ha! now you got burned. Heh. No bail. [bangs gavel]

[in jail]
Inmate 1: Hey, check out the new meat!
Inmate 2: I like the fat one! More cushion for the pushin'!
Peter: Thank you!
Inmate 3: Hey, you and me gonna have a good time together!
Peter: Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, y'know, I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but, wow!

Stewie: Don't give me that smug look! Fine. Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing, hear this: [mouths "fuck you"]
Brian: I'm telling.
Stewie: Uh, no, no... I-I said "vacuum"!

And the Wiener is...

Stewie: [leaps out of a tree and lands in front of Brian with a "snow cannon" on his shoulder] Now is the winter of your discontent!

Peter: [racing Chris] First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her wins. [race] I win! Yes! In your face! In your face!
Chris: In my face! In my face! [laughs]
Peter: [a zombified hand breaks through the ice and grabs onto his leg] Ahhh! No! Acid girl! It's acid girl! Ahhh!

Peter: What are you talkin' about? I'm better than him at everything. You name it...sports, video games, even magic tricks.
[Cutaway to the Griffins' living room, where Lois, Peter and Chris are watching TV. Chris playfully reaches for Peter's nose.]
Chris: Ha-ha. I got your nose.
Peter: Oh, yeah? [reaches over and pulls Chris's entire face off his skull, leaving a flat flesh patch behind] Well, I got your face. Hehehe. [Chris runs around the room, screaming]
Lois: Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.

Joe: I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm...and then another...and then everything got a little hazy...Kevin went to go live with a foster family for a while. Anyway, it's inevitable.
Peter: Ah, don't feel bad, Joe. I-I-I think I know why your son beat you. Apparently, you're a, you're a twelve-year-old prepubescent girl. Which is good, 'cause I finally have someone to give this training bra to. [pulls a small training bra out of his back pocket, which he straps on Joe] Here you go, Josephina. Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms? Eh? Eh? [grabs Joe's cheeks and presses them together to make Joe's lips move; in high-pitched voice] It sure does-
Joe: GET THE HELL OFFA ME!!

Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust, or-or Leprechaun tales?
Doctor: No, it's a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical Christmas tumor?
Doctor: No, a malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh...[pause] like a happy, special-
Doctor: You're going to die.

Meg: Hey, everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Oh, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Brian: [smirking while looking at his plate] So, you're a-you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg.
Stewie: Yes, yes. [long pause] Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call! [Brian and Stewie finally crack up]

Peter: No foul?! Aw, that's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.
[Cutaway to the Griffins' Living Room, where Lois sits on the couch. The phone rings and she picks it up]
Lois: Uh, hello?
Peter: [calling Lois on the living room phone from the kitchen phone] Uh, Lois, I can't take out the garbage because I'm at the office, and they're making me stay late.
Lois: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... [turns toward the kitchen to see Peter at the table, eating a turkey leg] I can see you.
Peter: [sees Lois and takes a step back so he's no longer in her line of sight] Can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Ok, now I'm at the office.

Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Stewie: Come talk to me sweethart. I know what it takes to be cool.
[Cutaway to Stewie smoking a cigarette and singing ala William Shatner]
Stewie: She packed my bags...last night, preflight. Zero hour, 9 am. [takes a hit] And I'm gonna be...high...as a kite by then. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time, 'till touchdown brings me 'round again to find: I'm not the man...they think I am at home. Oh, no, no no. I'm a rocket man. Rocket man, burning out his fuse out here, alone...And I think it's gonna be a long, long time, 'till touchdown brings me 'round again to find: I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh, no, no, no. I'm a rock-it man. Rocket man, burning out his fuse out here, alone.
[back to normal]
Stewie: Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.

Brian: Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff. I mean-I mean, mine goes inside of me when I stand up; how do you think I feel?

Chris: Is Dad mad at me?
Lois: Oh, of course not, honey. Now, go pick out a box of cereal and meet me at the "10 inches or less" line. [realizes the slip she made] Items!

Peter: [driving in his new phallic car when he pulls next to someone] Hey! Hey, when you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say, "Is it, is it in yet?"
[keeps driving, approaches tunnel]
Peter: Don't worry baby. I'll be gentle.
[After going in and out numerous times, Peter gets hit head-on by a truck, making the car short, and then gets laughed at by supermodels going by on a bus]
Peter: Ow. My pride.

Lois: See, Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your [oven bell rings] -ing eyes out! Cookies are done! Who wants chocolate chip?
Stewie: Mmm, I do! But-but keep talking. All this stuff about eye-gouging has got me all frisky. Really, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper.

Petey the Pistol: If you squeeze me, I make bad people go away!

NGA Spokesman: So remember... guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
Disclamer: Warning: Guns are extremely dangerous. Do not purchase, own, clean, operate, or be near guns at any time.

[at Connie D'Amico's House, the doorbell rings. Connie opens it, revealing Quagmire.]
Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
Connie: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity, giggity, gig-gi-ty!

[Peter's Life is flashing before his eyes]
Doctor: [when Peter is born] It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin!
[Next, Peter is seen kicking a soccer ball, missing every kick]
Doctor: I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin.
[in school]
Teacher 1: Looks like he's gonna have to repeat the Fourth Grade, Mrs. Griffin.
[now Peter is older]
Teacher 2: Looks like he's going to have to repeat the Fourth Grade, Mrs. Griffin.
[in the Nurse's office; Peter is a young adult with long hair]
Nurse: The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and a tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.
[in class]
Teacher 3: Congratulations. You've passed the Fourth Grade, Mr. Griffin. [camera pulls back to reveal Present-day Peter; it seems it occurred just hours ago]
Peter: Oh, great! Listen, I gotta leave, though. I'm going hunting with my son.

Peter: Every guy you see with a big house or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth is really just saying "Don't look at my penis." But you'll never have to worry about that.
Chris: Thanks, Dad! You're the best! You know, Dad, I just realized something. Your name's Peter.
Peter: Yeah. You're right, it is. Hehehehe. Peter. [they laugh]

[Peter is playing darts at the Drunken Clam]
Peter: Yes! I win again, Andy!
[camera zooms out, we see Andy Capp]
Andy Capp: Come on, mate. One more before my wife notices I'm not snoozing on the couch.
Andy's wife: [offscreen] Too late!
[Andy's wife walks up to him and beats him up with a rolling pin]

Death Lives

Diane Simmons: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom Tucker snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

Meg: I hope he doesn't wait and get you a gift at the last minute again.
[Cutaway to Lois opening a gift]
Lois: My goodness, a human thumb! [camera pulls out to reveal Peter shaking, holding his bloody hand under his arm] Where did you ever find this?
Peter: It was on eBay. [vomits] Oh, God, call an ambulance!

Lois: I can't believe your father organized this. Usually he can't even handle simple tasks.
[Cutaway to the living room. On the lamp, there's a diaper where the light bulb should be]
Lois: Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket? [Stewie walks in naked with a light bulb in his rear]
Stewie: Ah! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minute... [rubs his feet on the carpet, then taps his nose. The light bulb shines] HA!

Death: I gotta take a leak.
Death's Mom: Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you!
Death: God, she's a pain in the ass! I wish Dad was still dead.

Death's Mom: Death! Put your jacket on or you'll get frostbite!
Death: I don't have skin!
Death's Mom: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

Death: Oh and by the way. When the lightning hit you, you soiled yourself. Enjoy.

Quagmire: [after shaving his privates] Does this look like a "Q" to you?

Death: See, this is why I hate shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass.

Death: [in a spooky tone] Peter! Peter Frampton!
Peter Frampton: Oh, no! God! Please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's house?
Death: All right. If you want to live, come with me... [normal voice] and bring your guitar, and bring that thing that makes it go... [imitates talkbox]

Lethal Weapons

Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story: Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers".
Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Peter: [as two New Yorkers begin to feud at church] Fellas, this is God's house... and the Patriots kick off in about 45 minutes, so can we move this along?
New Yorker: Patriots suck!
Peter: [gasps] Blasphemy! [splashes holy water in the guy's face, creating a sizzling sound]
New Yorker: Ahh! Ahh! It burns! Oh, jeez!
[Cutaway to a scientist in his laboratory, opening a package]
Scientist: Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?
Transvestite: [in deep voice] Sure.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op?
Transvestite: Pre-op.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off!

Peter: I got an idea... an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about...

Peter: [about Lois] She floats like a butterfly, and stings like when I pee!

Lois: Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore.
[Flashback to Lois as a child in the circus]
Lois: [jumping up and down in a cage] Me likey bouncy! Me likey bouncy!

Stewie: Must've pulled something playing hoops last week.
[Cutaway to Stewie playing basketball with some black guys]
Stewie: I know you're not puttin' that rock up from here, you ain't got no J. [trips a guy about to dribble the ball]
Black guy: Yo, man, that's trippin'!
Stewie: Brother, please, you're the one who's trippin'. Go on, cry home to your mama, she waitin' for you!
Black guy: Now, don't make me put my size 13's up your narrow ass!
Stewie: I don't sweat you. Bring it on, bitch! Now how you gonna act? [they walk away from each other] Sheesh. Bringin' that trash in here... this is my house!

Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, yeah, it's in a window this time.

Lois: Oh, The Drunken Clam? Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey... [to herself] You're a big girl now. Stop it!
Peter: [to a man] Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: What did you say?
Peter: Oh, about the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? [the man almost punches Peter before Lois beats him up]
Lois: [to Peter] What the hell are you doing?
Peter: [to another man] Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you: very homosexually.

[after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher]
Peter: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul-
Lois: [forcefully kisses him, then grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

[Peter lies in his bed at night when an aggressive Lois comes in]
Peter: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois: Take 'em off!
Peter: [with a frightened voice] Yeah. Okay, honey.

Stewie: Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with. Excuse me.

Brian: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter: Last night, Lois was... the man!
Brian: Good Lord!
Peter: I just want you to know, Brian -- I didn't cry. [cries]
Brian: It's okay.

Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out.[in a sinister tone] Happy 50th birthday, Lois!

Stewie: [imitating Brian] I'm the dog! I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio! But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door!
Brian: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Antichrist who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Meg: Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat". Dad!
Stewie: "Dear Stewie, Get out". Oh, that's nice.

Chris: Go, Dad! Kick her ass!
Meg: [shoves Chris] Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!
Chris: I don't like to be touched! [they start fighting]

The Kiss Seen Around the World

Stewie: Oh, let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... ooh! Big shock, a jack pops out. And you laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside...

[repeated line]
Man: You're a great big phony!

Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose it tickles my brain. [does so and laughs] Ow! Oh, now I don't know math.

Neil Goldman: And so, because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions... Meeeeg?
Meg: No! Leave me alone!
Mr. Berler: Thank you, Neil, for that incredibly irrelevant presentation. We all know that Captain Picard is the superior officer.

[Tom Tucker is conducting an "interview" with Dustin Hoffman]
Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
Dustin Hoffman: Are you trying to seduce me, [voice dub] Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...
Dustin Hoffman: Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.

Tom Tucker: Alright, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?
Intern: Um, I guess so.
Tom Tucker: Question two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?
Intern: I don't know.
Tom Tucker: Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

Meg: Oh, my God, I'm missing the news!
Peter: We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient about it.

Meg: Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort!

Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [Meg runs upstairs]
Peter: Who was that guy?

Stewie: I say, constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle.
Irish policeman: Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?
Stewie: How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!
[a nervous, jittery man walks into the police department]
Man: I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk.
Irish policeman: [to man] Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

Neil Goldman: Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg. I won't let you burn. [Meg walks away]
[there is a beam of light and Al from Quantum Leap appears]
Neil Goldman: Al, why haven't I leaped?
Al: Uh, Ziggy says you can't leap until she loves you back.

Chris: I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?!

Stewie: [to the large seven-year-old bully who stole his tricyle] You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me: your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain... so, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of OUTER PAIN! [draws a bazooka, which he fires point-blank at the bully, ensnaring him in a heavy net.]

Lois: [seeing Stewie with the bully, who is tied up] What's going on here?
Stewie: We're playing "House".
Lois: That boy is all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Mort Goldman: I had a terrable head cold. I had mucus running down my face. The other children were very mean to me about that. They said mean hurtful things to me. The called me "tastycakes" and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. Those were very bad times.

Mr. Saturday Knight

Tom Tucker: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. And now here's Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather forecast. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: ISS GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

Lois: Peter, calm down, everything's gonna be fine.
Peter: I hope so. 'Cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at The Electric Company.
[cutaway to The Electric Company; A recreation of the "Soft-Shoe Silhouettes" skit where 2 silhouettes of people, one of which is Peter, stand face to face, sounding out words]
Man: D...
Peter: ...ot.
Both: Dot.
Man: B...
Peter: ...et.
Man: Bet.
Peter: Bet. I-I knew that. Slow it down.
Man: P...
Peter: ...it.
Man: Pit.
Peter: Pit. Come on, pal, it's my first day.
Man: F...
Peter: ...at.
Man: Fat.
Peter: Oh, that's it, buddy! [attacks the man]

Peter: Oh, God, I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control the volume of my voice. [answers the door]
Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you?
Peter:[screaming] FINE!! [quietly] Please come in...

Stewie: I'd do her, do her, wouldn't do her, ugh, who hasn't done her? Do her, lose the pigtails, then we'll talk. Do her, do her...

Meg: Has Dad found a permanent job yet?
Lois: Meg, your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. [gasps]
[Lois stops the car to see Peter dressed as a female prostitute at a street corner]
Brian: Well, clearly, it's not that tube top.
Peter: Hey! Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?
Meg: Oh. My God.
Lois: Peter, get in the car!
Peter: Okay, but it will cost you! What do you want, a Cleveland Steamer?
Lois: I said get in the car- what's a "Cleveland Steamer"?
Brian: It means that he'll-
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, be cool, be cool. [police car drives toward them] Yes, so go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then, uh, you go, uh... [the police car passes] Okay, so you want a party or what?
Lois: GET IN THIS CAR RIGHT NOW!
[Peter sits in the back seat of the car, next to Stewie]
Stewie: [to Meg] It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future.

Knight drill sergeant: You love the Middle Ages, don't you?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!
Knight drill sergeant: The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it!?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!!
Knight drill sergeant: You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you?!
Peter Griffin: SIR, YES, SIR!!

[Stewie is in a fort made of cereal boxes]
Stewie: [to Meg] Hey you, porker! Yes, I'm calling you a porker, and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal box fort. [laughs; to Brian] Hey you, drunky! Yes, that's right, I'm calling you a drunky, and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm pro-[Brian smacks the fort, knocking it down]

Lois: But you can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were-
Peter: [laughs] Did, did you just say, "big meet"? [they both laugh]
Lois: Oh my God, I did!

Peter: The Black Knight is just a big jerk, like that guy who fixed our vacuum.
[Cutaway]
Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.

Diane Simmons: Well, it's an exciting day for all here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. Wouldn't you say, Tom?
Tom Tucker: Diane, I'd say it was a perfect day if you weren't reminding us of our grandmas' cleavage.

Stewie: [to a sad Peter] Hey. How you doin' there, big guy? You holdin' up all right? You want a sooooda? Hmm? [normal] Well, screw it, I tried.

Black Knight: Hey, what's your fat ass doing here? [we see he is actually talking to the Performance Artist, rather than Peter]
Performance Artist Bruce: [sitting on an actual ass looking extremely obese] He's my only means of conveyance. But, I guess I do spoil him.
Black Knight: Clearly, you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin?

Black Knight: You see that there, kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
Peter: [offscreen] Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! [Peter is shown dressed as a knight on his horse.] Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

A Fish Out of Water

Jake Tucker: [points at Peter, whose much fatter than usual] What's that, Daddy?
Tom Tucker: Well, that's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the Sun. What its doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest, but we should probably ask a scientist --
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass!

Lois: Why a fisherman?
Peter: It makes perfect sense, Lois. You know how much time I've spent on the ocean.
[Cutaway to Peter on a raft in the middle of the ocean, shouting at a volleyball, like in Cast Away]
Peter: Wilson! What are we gonna do now?! Wilson! Wilson!!
Volleyball: My name is Voit, dumbass!

Auctioneer: Welcome! We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioneer: She had nine STD's.
Quagmire: ...Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: ...and when we caught her, she wet herself.
Quagmire: ...Fifty bucks.

[Hennessy plays a prank on Peter and changes the sign on his fish stand with one that reads "I HAD SEX WITH ALL THESE FISH"]
Man: Wow. So, how do you do it?
Peter: Oh, you're very nice to ask. Well, first I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it, so, I jerk 'em around a little, they fight for a while, and then they just lay back and accept it.
Man: [hands him a card] How 'bout we get together later? [leaves]
Peter: Um...okay. [Hennessy bursts out laughing] What the hell? [notices the sign] Oh, damn it!

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um... if by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.

[The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen outfits, talking very quickly.]
Stewie: The port is quite good.
Brian: Yes, quite good.
Chris: Indeed.
Peter: Most certainly.
Brian: What year is it?
Chris: '51.
Brian: Ah.
Peter: Delectable.
Stewie: Indeed.
Chris: Yes.
Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
Stewie: What is it?
Peter: It appears I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie: Ah, very good then.
Chris: For the best.
Brian: Indeed.
Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

[A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar]
Rabbi: Hey, did you hear the one about us?

Lois: [on the phone] I was just calling to check in with my boys, see how you guys are doing.
Peter: Um... oh, we're fine. [laughter is heard from the dinning room]
Lois: What's all that noise?
Peter: Uh... uh, nothing, nothing. [pulls out a voice recorder, puts it to the phone, and hits "play"]
Lois: [on tape] Peter, I need you to take out the trash!
Peter: Okay, Lois! Lois, I gotta go. [hangs up]

Peter and Brian: [holding super rings] Wonder twin powers, activate!
Peter: Form of steam! [nothing happens]
Brian: Peter, we got these in a box of Frankenberry.

[Stewie is drawing a picture]
Mr. Stevenson: A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal?! Jackal! It's a jackal! Jackal?!
Mrs. Stevenson: Time!
Stewie: [slams his head on the table] It wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next ten times?! [throws the drawing pad and leaves] GOD!

Quagmire: So, were you, like, in an accident or what?
Seamus: [sarcastically] No, me father was a tree.

Peter: But this is gonna be dangerous. We could all die!
Quagmire: Aw, come on, you're our best friend, Peter. Besides, I can remember a time when you saved all our butts.
[Cutaway to Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire held hostage against a table with their pants down and a ball gag in their mouths. Peter comes in with a sword and takes out the bad guys, in a similar fashion as Butch Coolidge in Pulp Fiction]
Peter: Yeah, too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy.

Peter: Hey, hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?
Joe: Mariel Hemingway.
Peter: Oh, come on. Really?
Cleveland: Oh, now that's not a very good choice.
Quagmire: She's so jagged.
Joe: No, no. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way.
Quagmire: Yeah, but you could cut a roast on her face.
Cleveland: I would go with Margaret Thatcher.
Peter, Joe, Quagmire: Margaret Thatcher?
Peter: Why the hell Margaret Thatcher?
Cleveland: Oh, so nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy?
Joe: How about you, Peter?
Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from Total Recall.
Joe: Interesting.
Cleveland: I never saw that movie.
Quagmire: You know one of 'em was papier-mâché, right?
Peter: Oh, gee, can I change my ans- of course I know it's paper! I don't care! W-what's wrong with you? Hey, what about you, Quagmire?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe: Taylor Hanson's a guy.
Quagmire: [laughs] Oh! Oh! Y-you guys are yanking me. Hey, hey, let's put one over on old Quagmire.
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: W-well, this is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I can't... Oh, God! I-oh, I got all these magazines. Oh G-oh God! Oh, God!

[the man with long arms from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life]
Man: I wonder where that fish did go. A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh!

[about Meg's nipples]
Guy: See, one's an innie and one's an outie.

Lois: You know, I gotta admit, I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money.
Peter: How can you half expect something?
Lois: I-I don know, it's just a turn of phrase.
Peter: How can you turn a phrase?
Lois: Huh. God, you're dumb. Thank God for that ass.

Emission Impossible

Stewie: [going through the refrigerator] Uh, let's see, we got soda, purple stuff... Aw, Sunny D, alright!

Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs
Smurf 1: Hey, y-you have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurf-tacular!
Smurf 1: Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh, man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the Smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the Smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh, that is freakin' Smurf! [they high-five]
Smurf 2: You Smurf it!
Smurf 1: That is freakin' Smurf.
Smurf 2: Yeah.

Quagmire: [when asked to babysit Chris, Meg, and Stewie] Well, i-in accordance with Megan's Law, I'm obligated to inform you that, uh...you know what, that's fine. I'll take the kids.

Quagmire: Gosh, I never had to entertain kids before. ...So, a chick walks into a gynecologist's office... [Meg, Chris, and Stewie stare at him blankly. He pauses for a moment, then does some kind of crazy dance, flailing his arms and legs and making crazy sounds. Meg, Chris, and Stewie continue to stare at him blankly. He pauses for another moment, then takes out his car keys and jiggles them in front of them.] Diggly-diggly-diggly-diggly-diggly-diggly-diggly-diggly! [Chris rolls onto the floor and starts swatting at the keys, like a cat, while laughing]

Quagmire: [to a woman] If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. [to the next woman] Hey, you must be a parking ticket, 'cause you've got "fine" written all over you. [to the next two women, interrupting their conversation] Hey there, I don't want to come between you...or do I? Oh! [chuckles] That's awful. That's awful.

Peter: Hey, uh, Carol. Since Ted left ya', can I wear his shirt?
Lois: Peter, why would want to wear Ted's shirts? He's half your size.
Peter: I know, now let me try something. Carol, say to me, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."
Carol Pewterschmidt: "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." [Peter rips through Ted's shirt and screams like the Incredible Hulk]
Peter: Ehehehehehehe, I'm priceless.

[Lois and her sister, Carol, are in the backseat of the car. Carol is doing her Lamaze breathing. She moans loudly as Lois holds a wet washcloth to her forehead.]
Lois: Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. [notices that the car is not moving] Peter, why are we stopped? [we see that they're in the line at a fast-food drive-thru window. Peter speaks into the clown's head]
Peter: Um, yeah, I-I'll have three cheeseburgers.
Lois: Peter! For God's sake, she's having a baby!
Peter: Oh, that's right...a-and a kids' meal. And, uh, I-I guess I'll have fries. [to backseat] I-if I have fries is anybody else gonna have any? 'Cause, you know, I-I-I don't want to be the only one eating them. I'll feel like a fatty.

Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
Lois: What? What?!
Peter: [holding a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
Carol Pewterschmidt: Ooh, a baby girl. I'm so happy.
Peter: [gasps] But she has a penis! Well, we'll have to do something about that! [grabs a scalpel]
Lois: [taking the scalpel away] Peter, no! It's a boy!

Peter: H-hey, look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home.
[Cutaway to the Griffins' living room, where Lois stands by as Peter shoves the Rock into a stain in the carpet]
Peter: [to rock] See that? Huh?! Huh?! Bad rock! BAD!! We do that OUTSIDE!! [to Lois] Look at him, he knows what he did.

Stewie: Oh? A new baby, call me when Kojak starts. [leaves, then runs back in] WHAT!?

[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together]
Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what...
Brian: And if you say "that's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.

[Stewie is wearing Lois' lipstick and looking at himself in a mirror]
Stewie: Well, look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, Yes, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after. Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad, and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self respect and that gets you off, doesn't it? [bites down. Brian and Lois enter]
Lois: STEWIE! Bad boy, that's Mommy's makeup! Oh, and you got it all over your father's favorite shirt, now go to your room!
Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up...
Stewie: Make any joke you want, you know I look good.

Stewie: All this time spent keeping people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing!

[Stewie is controlling a robot Peter]
Stewie: Alright, testing voice modulator. Blast you vile woman!
Robot Peter: Blast you vile woman!
Stewie: Ugh, that won't do. [turns on the translator] Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies.
Robot Peter: Hey ugly!
Stewie: Excellent! Hahahahaha!
Robot Peter: Sweet! Eheheheheheh!

Peter: Oh, jeez, my duodenum's actin' up!

Bertram: I guess this is good-bye.
Stewie: For now. [they shake hands] Oh, and when you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.

To Love and Die in Dixie

Barbara: I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you could come. [hands Chris an invitation]
Chris: Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!

Chris: What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?
Meg: Oh! Well, my boyfriend, Prince Willam, got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter! [starts laughing insanely before it develops into crying and she runs out of the room]
Stewie: She needs to get laid, big time.

Herbert: You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to my cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles. Mmmm!
Chris: No thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Oh, don't make me beg, now.
Chris: Ha, ha, ha! You're funny. Bye! [leaves]
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here...

Robber: This is a holdup! Open the register!
Cashier: I can't! It only opens when you make a sale!
Robber: Alright, then give me one of them horoscope scrolls. And, some Skittles. [reading scroll] "Financial transaction benefits you today". Oooh.
Cashier: Weeird.

Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second, y'know, I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Stewie: Good Lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

Peter: The Deep South? Isn't that the place where all the black guys are really lazy and the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?

Meg: I can't believe I have to change schools because of you. This is all your fault, lardo!
Peter: Me? I had nothing to do with it.
Meg: No, I meant Chris!
Peter: Oh. [to Chris] Yeah, lardo!

Meg: This is our house?
Lois: Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.

Lois: Oh, what's that smell?
Brian: It's either bad meat or good cheese.
[Peter falls through the floor with only half his body sticking out]
Peter: There's a penny underneath that couch.

Peter: [examining an outhouse] Hey, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere... No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. [bird knocks outhouse over] Oh! Oh, God! Oh, it's everywhere! Ahh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

Stewie: Ooh, I feel so deliciously white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet!

Peter: Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
Brian: Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview.
[Cutaway to one of Peter's job interviews]
Interviewer: So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: [thinking] Don't say "doing your wife." Don't say "doing your wife." Don't say "doing your wife." [aloud] Doing your... [looks at family photo on desk] son?

Peter: Hey Brian, look at that! [Pointing at "Sheriff Wanted" sign]
Sheriff: Y'all interested? We just take turns being sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie and get drunk.
Peter: Wait, hold on a second. PIE? DRUNK? THE? You got yourself a sheriff!
[Cut to Brian and Peter as sheriffs, drunk at their office]
Peter: Boy... it's so quiet around here.
Brian: I know.
Peter: Th-The phone hasn't rang all day.
Brian: I kno-I know. Theres nothing, nothing to uh...to uhhhh...ummmmm....oh, oh boy what's the word I'm looking for... do.
Peter: Oh Brian, Y-yo-you're drunk, your drunk. G-give me your keys. [collapses to the floor]

Brian: Look over there! It's a newly married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag!

Chris: [as he writes in his journal] Man, was last night weird. I kissed a boy, but the truth is, I really like him as a friend. His name is Sam.
Brian: You kissed Sam last night?!
Chris: How did you know?
Brian: Well, you're saying it out loud, I could hear you in the other room.
Chris: You know, the weird thing is, kissing Sam kinda felt right. But I don't know if I can face him again. Brian, what should I do? I haven't been this confused since the ending of No Way Out.
[Cutaway to Brian and Chris leaving the theater]
Chris: How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

Stewie: Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today. [begins playing his banjo]
Met her on my CB
Said her name was Mimi
Sounded like an angel come to Earth (Come to Earth)
When I went to meet her
Man you shoulda seen her
Twice as tall as me, three times the girth (Girth)
Oh, my fat baby loves to eat (Loves to eat)
A big ol' buddha-belly and her breasts swing past her feet (Feet)
My fat baby loves to eeeaaat
My big old fat-ass baby loves to eat. I got blisters on me fingers!

Meg: And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. [classmates "ooh"]
Southern Boy: Dang, I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her!

Little Girl [to Meg]: My daughter would absolutely love you.

Sam: You're cute, Chris. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks.

[The Griffins' Southern neighbors have just saved them from the robber.]
Peter: I guess the lesson here is it doesn't matter where you're from, just as long as we're all the same religion.

Answering Machine: You have 113 new messages. [beep]
Lois: Oh, my!
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wonderin', uh...mmm-hmm...well, where the newspaper boy was. [beep] Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple of days, wonderin' if he ever gonna come back. [beep] Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here, thinkin' 'bout the muscley-armed paper boy, wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. [beep] Where are you? [beep] Aw, you're startin' to piss me off you little pigly sumbitch. Call me!

Screwed the Pooch

Brian: [after sniffing another dog's butt; people are staring] Sorry. Uh, I-I thought I smelled... cookies. [runs away]
Mort Goldman: [sniffs it] Wow! Does it really smell like cook- Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!

Peter: Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along.
[Cutaway to the Griffins' family room, where Peter sits at the computer]
Peter: Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt. [Peter clicks the mouse. A fist flies out of the screen and punches Peter in the face]

Peter: [reading a cartoon in The New Yorker at a news stand] "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic..." [he stares at it. Night falls, then day, then night, then day] Ohh, I get it. Th-that's kinda funny. [to the clerk] Yeah, can I have a copy of Juggs?

Teacher: In French, when you want to say yes, you say, oui-oui.
Peter: You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! [laughs] Oh, man. Hey, what do you say for no-doo-doo? [laughs] Hey, I'll be right back, I gotta go take a wicked "yes".

Lois: Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet?
Peter: I fixed it already.
Lois: No, you didn't. It's still dripping.
Peter: No way! I will give you all my Star Wars guys if it is. W-w-wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.
[Both walk into the bathroom to find Brian masturbating over canine porn, "Kinky Canine Co-eds". They leave quickly]
Lois: Oh, my God! Was- was he just mastu-?
Peter: Yes!
Lois: Oh, my. [awkward silence]
Peter: Do we... do we rub his nose in it?

Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Hello, would you like some candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you.


Peter: [at a wine-tasting event; he is drunk and naked] Hey, hey where-where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off.

Peter: Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I tell ya, this sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor.
[Cutaway to an island on Survivor, where Peter is standing with a group of contestants]
Peter: [to a contestant] How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain? [walks away, then trips over a rock and falls down, knocking over part of the background, revealing the set of the Showcase Showdown from The Price Is Right, where Bob Barker is with a contestant]
Bob Barker: All right, Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around... [they notice Peter]
Peter: [pretending to be scared] O-oh, no. Head...hunters. Ahh... [worriedly] Am I fired?

Carter Pewterschmidt: You know, Peter, I actually had a good time with you tonight, and I just want to say: I'm glad you married my daughter.
Peter: Oh, thank you, Jesus!
[Scene cuts to heaven]
Jesus: Oh, actually, it wasn't me, it was-
Vishnu: [depressingly restraining Jesus] No, it's okay, I'm used to it.

Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No-no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself- now he's violating Seabreeze. [Stewie starts imitating porn-style music]

[Quahog Park, where Lois, wearing a disguise, sits on a bench. Brian, sporting stubble, appears next to her]
Brian: Were you followed?
Lois: Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
[Cutaway to Spooner Street, where Chris, dressed as Lois, pushes Stewie in a stroller down the sidewalk. Quagmire walks by]
Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba- whoa, Lois! You've put on a few, huh?
Chris: Well, I never! [slaps Quagmire, then continues pushing Stewie]
Stewie: That's all right, honey. I didn't think he was the one, anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.

Tricia Takanawa: This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Seabreeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. [Tom Tucker comes out in his boxers with a bag of beer bottles] Ah, I see my colleague, Tom Tucker, is already on the scene.
Prostitute: Who's that, baby?
Tom Tucker: [quickly shoves her back inside] Hello, this is Tom Tucker...'s evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.

Lois: Daddy, please stop this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry, pumpkin.
Lois: I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Ah, you'll be fine. You're just having your period.

Lawyer: Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's in December of 1996?
Brian: Uh, yeah, I guess.
[Cutaway to Denny's, where a baby is screaming and crying for about ten seconds]
Brian: WAAAAA!! WAAAAA!! YOU LIKE THAT?! HUH?! YOU LIKE THAT?! WAAAAA!! [to parents] YOU JUST TUNE THIS OUT, DON'T YOU?! WAAAAA!! WELL, TUNE THIS OUT! WAAAAAAA!!
[the room is silent for a moment]
Baby: Waa-
Brian: AAAH!!
Baby: ...Waa-
Brian: AAAH!!
Baby: ...Waa-
Brian: SHADDUP!!

Brian: But I... I rented those for Peter! He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.
[Cutaway to a couple watching Citizen Kane on TV]
Charles Foster Kane: Rosebud. [the snow globe breaks, and then the tape cuts to Peter in the living room]
Peter: It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There, I just saved you two long, boobless hours.

Peter: Oh, I am not looking forward to what you're gonna be like once they do this to you.
[Flashforward to Peter on the couch with an extremely obese Brian who's eating chocolate]
Brian: Mmm! I looove chocolate! But I can't eat it because then I'll get fat. But it's sooooo good!

Peter: Hey, you know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And, I learned something today...

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

Dennis Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?

Stewie: [about the cheerleaders] They had us all completely under their spell, like that hypnotist at the airport Hilton.
[Cutaway to the Hilton, where Brian and Stewie are making out in front of a laughing audience]
Hypnotist: ...and three! [snaps his fingers, and they come out of the trance]
Brian: Oh, wow. Were we just hypnotized?
Stewie: Oh, that's incredible, I don't remember a thing. Why do I taste crotch?

Chris: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was lookin' to break off a little somethin' somethin', but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank, and she's all about the bling-bling. [Peter slams the brakes]
Lois: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter: He's speaking in tongues, Lois. Our son is posessed. [gives Meg a Bible] Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you. [splashes Holy Water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you! [Chris screams] The power of Christ compels you!

Lois: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[Cutaway]
Peter: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. [Lois glares at him, then starts eating] Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking [she glares at him again], but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. [now she has a pissed-off look on her face] The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [finally she punches Peter, knocking him out, until nightfall] I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Chris: What's a library, Dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM.

Osias Griffin: Hello?
Caller: Hello, Jonathan?
Osias Griffin: No. What number are you calling?
Caller: 7.
Osias Griffin: Well, this is 3.
Caller: Oh. Sorry.

Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin". May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here too, see? Hehehehehehehehe...

Stewie: I think that would be a bad idea. And I know something about bad ideas.
[Cutaway to Stewie sitting at a bar drunk with O.J. Simpson, who is not]
Stewie: [stuttering] I-I'm... I'm telling you, Juice! She's screwin' around behind your back, a-and if I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it. [O.J. leaves as Stewie turns to bartender] Another mai tai? Thanks. So, listen...

Stewie: [to himself in the mirror] Ugh, look at how fat you are. You disgust me. Oink-oink, fatty! Oh, yes, yes, you'll take butter on that English muffin, won't you, because you're the cheerleading squad's token blimp! You don't deserve to eat! [he goes to the toilet and makes himself vomit]

Stewie: [reading the title of a book] "Your Body and You". [opens it] "Every four weeks, for three or four days, it's entirely normal for every young woman to-" OH, MY GOD! Oh, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life! UGH!

Stewie: [hiding in a locker] They're getting nude! Oh, I musn't watch, it's not the proper thing to -- Whoa! I say, nice ones, Janine. And look at Lisa and all of her curvaceous glory! Good heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!

Peter: Hey, Lois, come in here and see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois: [gasps] Oh, my God! You turned the den into Pee-wee's Playhouse?
Peter: [singing] Come on, get up! Knock off your napping. It's a crazy, messed-up place where anything can happen. There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey, look! There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap! It's screwy in Peter's Playhouse! Hehehe!
Lois: Peter...
Peter: W-w-wait. Watch this, watch this. [like Pee-wee] Hey, Jambi! [Brian appears as Jambi; in normal voice] Okay, say it.
Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney-God, I hate you so much.
Lois: Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity.
Peter: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois: You're acting ridiculous! [sirens begin wailing and "Ridiculous" flashes on-screen]
Peter: AAAHHH! You said the secret word!

Peter: Oh, sorry I'm late, you guys, the white man was making me his bitch. [black people walk up to him angrily] What? Oh, oh sorry, his be-yotch.

Peter: W-w-wait, before you go, what's heaven like?
Nate: [in the mirror] Oh, it's fine. There's a shortage of chairs.
Peter: Oh.
Nate: ...Yeah.

[Quagmire walks into a toilet stall to see Cindi the cheerleader bound and gagged]
Quagmire: Dear diary... jackpot!

[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.
Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Ready, Willing, and Disabled

Cleveland: Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life.

Meg: So, um, the $26 would probably be safe in my room.
Stewie: [scoffs] Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake and Tom Cruise and... and, uh... blast, what the devil do teenagers like? Uh... Morgan Freeman.
Chris: Well, we can't keep it in my room 'cause there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. [Evil Monkey points at him from the stairs, then runs off] You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil.
[Cutaway to the Evil Monkey's house, where the Evil Monkey returns from his job.]
Evil Monkey: Honey, good news! I made partner! [sees his wife in bed with another monkey. They all start shrieking; Evil Monkey points at his wife]

Tom Tucker: Coming up in this half hour, our undercover exposé on conveniently-placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard. [Peter trips over a skateboard]

Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel
[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
Prosecuter: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

Stewie: A picture of Meg in a two-piece swimsuit...Oh, God, I pray this is not my first memory!

Tom Tucker: Today, we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, you'll cry, you might even get a cheap laugh or two.
Diane Simmons: I know I will, Tom. In fact, there's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day we'll all be going to Hell.
Tom Tucker: I'll see you there, Diane.

Stewie: Ah, Dostoevsky. The Mad Russian. Good stuff, good stuff.
Brian: You're not gonna get the $26 and you're despicable for trying.
Stewie: Wha...oh, oh, you thought...I wasn't trying to get the $26. I thought we were just having a perfectly innocent conversation about literature. Oh you're silly, you're silly... I-I love that you'd go there. You're-you're silly. Good-bye!

Stewie: Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. [short dramatic pause]
[Cutaway to Stewie introducing John Lennon to Yoko Ono]
Stewie: John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John?

Joe: Peter, it's over.
Peter: Over? What're you talkin' about?
Joe: Well, if I couldn't catch a 2-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race?
Peter: Hey! Hey! Hey! What kinda talk is that? It's un-American! Did George W. Bush quit even after losin' a popular vote? No! Did he quit after losin' millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knockin' that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that D.U.I.? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game?! NO! Did he quit...?
Joe: I get the message, Peter!

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.

Peter: Say, uh, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter: Well, looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh?
Joe: Nope. He's dead.

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

Chris: [giving Stewie a candy cane] Merry Christmas, dude. Don't put it up your nose. It burns like hell.

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Brian: The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
[Flashback to Peter, watching MNF, pressing record button on VCR. FBI immediately slams through the door]
FBI Agent: Do you have the express written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
Peter: [holds up paper] Just ABC... [they shoot the VCR]

Peter: Here's a tree. Merry Christmas to all, and to all shut the hell up.

Lois: Before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter: Oh, Lois, can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: Alright, alright, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Chrismas become so complicated? [fills a sock with oranges and swings it like a weapon]

Lois: Hey, why don't you take Joe along?
Peter: Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow-cone, huh?
Peter: No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...oh, you guys are asses!

Lois: Just one more thing.
Peter: Lois!
Lois: I need you to take the presents out of the trunk. [leaves, Peter sits down]
Brian: Aren't you going to do it?
Peter: It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.
Brian: All? Peter, only one gift was for charity, the rest were for the family.
Peter: No, the rest were from the family...w-weren't they? ...Aw, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "For Peter" on it, so you must've thought it was from you, so you didn't, uh... you know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

[in a trailer park]
Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Chrismas Eve?
Peter: Yep. Now, here's the plan: [pulls out blueprints] You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: ...Can I buy some pot from you?

Lois: You gave away all the presents?!
Peter: Lois, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
Lois: Honey, you brought glad tidings to a family less fortunate than your own!
Peter: So you're not mad?!
Lois: Well I am a little irritated that I have to do all the shopping again, but at least some good came out of it.

Lois: You can watch all the TV you want [kisses Peter] just as soon as we get back from the mall.
Peter: The mall on Christmas Eve!
Lois: I just want this family to have a perfect Christmas and I need a little help, okay?

[Peter watches "KISS Saves Santa" on a TV in the store. Someone buys it, and takes it away]
Peter: Hey, I was watchin' that! Hey!
Store Clerk: It'll be on next Chrismas.
Peter: Well, who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

Peter: [after being attacked by fish] The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose and-and on the way out I think one of them muttered something anti-Semitic.

Peter: [to Brian after the living room and kitchen burn down] What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?!
Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

Lois: Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. [they all agree]
Meg: We're out of paper towels.
Lois: No...paper...TOWELS?! AAAAAHHHHH! [throws a turkey at the microwave]
Peter: Hey! I was going to pick at that!
Lois: Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky, WELL IT DOESN'T! IT FALLS FROM MY HOLLY JOLLY BUTT! So you can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents, and hey, while you're at it YOU CAN ALL RIDE A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH TO HELL! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! [breaks a window and jumps through it]
Meg: Oh, here's the paper towels.

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that magical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living, so we all sing Chrismas carols to lull Him back to sleep.
Man 1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy? I've gotta do something.
Man 2: Bob, there's...nothing you can do.
Bob: [sighs] Well, I...guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour.

Bonnie: I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Stewie: Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, a man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek. Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins, but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.

Brian: From all of us at Family Guy.
Meg: We wish you Christmas joy.
Chris: May all your wishes now come true.
Stewie: For every girl and boy.
Peter: We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer. So have a Merry Christmas and ...
Lois: [incomprehensible mumbling]

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Lois: [while teaching Jonas, a student] What happened with your date?
Brian: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.
Lois: Oh, Brian... Don't slow down, Jonas. Keep the rhythm. [singing with the scales that he's playing]
Bum, bum, bum, bum,
Brian, your standards are ridiculously high
You'll never find a girl unless you're willing to make exceptions
And compromise so you can find your love.
Brian: [singing the same way]
Lois, I don't think I have to compromise a thing
I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't get me
Oh, and how long has the coffee been on the burner in the kitchen?
I could really use a cup about now.
Lois: Oh, it's not very fresh, you see, I meant to make more,
But I made the mistake of getting caught up watching Oprah
She had on James Garner--
Brian: --James Garner? What's he plugging?
Lois: I don't know, some crappy movie on TNT. Very good, Jonas, I'll see you next week. [Jonas leaves] So, what is it, Brian? you don't think these women understand you, or...
Brian: You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically. [leaves]

Stewie: AH HA! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there, lazy slothful porcelain lay-about feeding on other people's doo-doo's while contributing nothing of its own to society. [points to the toilet] YOU GET A JOB!

Brian: [about community service] It's the worst job I've ever had. Well, except for one.
[Cutaway to the mall, outside Hickory Farms. Brian is sampling meat]
Brian: [to customer] Um, excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
[Customer punches Brian out, sending him into a display of products he was issuing samples of]

Dr. Goodman: Oh, it's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
Chris: [laughs] Rump.
Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

Dr. Goodman: It's great to learn...
Everyone: 'Cause knowledge is power!

Brian: Uh, Pearl Burton? Uh, my name is Brian. I'm here for the Outreach to the Elderly Program.
Pearl: You're late. [closes peephole as we hear several locks being unlocked. When she opens the door, Brian walks in and gets powder thrown on him]
Brian: Ah! What the hell is this?
Pearl: Delousing powder. Everyone on the outside is filthy.
Brian: Well, you could've give me some warning.
Pearl: Here's your warning: it's gonna burn like hell in 30 seconds. Now, I like my tea at 4:00 and my dinner at 6:00. And I take my bath a 7:00 sharp so I can listen to Paul Harvey. You will warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials only. It's gonna take you a while to get the rhythm. Paul Harvey moves seamlessly in the commercials. By the way, it's been 30 seconds.
Brian: [runs around] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

[Peter and Lois are at the movie theater. Peter tries to eat popcorn with the bird in his beard. Each time he puts a kernel to his mouth, the bird eats it. After 7 times of this, he tries to put one in from behind, but the bird catches on and eats it]
Peter: Damn it all! [everyone nearby shushes him] Sorry, sorry. [the bird starts squaking]
Man 1: Hey, shut up!
Man 2: Keep it down!
Man 3: I'm trying to watch...
Peter: Look, there's nothing I can do, alright?
Man 4: Take it outside, pal!
Woman: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
Peter: [stands up] Look, it's an endangered species, what am I supposed to do?!
Man 5: [groans] Oh, I'll make you an endangered species!
Peter: Oh, oh, good comeback, Potsie!
Man 6: I'll kick your ass, that's what I do! [audience yells in agreement]
Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up!! He has stopped squaking, he's receded into my beard, we can all watch the movie, shut up! [silence]
Man 7: Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after the movie.

Pearl Burton: Now go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup!
Brian: That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! You're just a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and DROP DEAD?! [tries to leave. He undos the locks on the door, but has trouble with the last one] Uh, this last one won't open...
Pearl: Oh, you gotta jiggle it a little bit.
Brian: Like this?
Pearl: No, here, let me get it. [undos the lock]
Brian: Oh, thanks. And, uh... and, you know. Drop dead. [leaves]

From Method to Madness

Lois: Oh, we must be early!
Dottie Campbell: Oh Nonsense! You're right on time!
Peter: Oh my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!
Lois: You're a-you're completely--
Dottie Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris: Permission to freak out?!
Lois: [whispers angrily] Peter, did you know about this?!
Peter: I thought he lost his bathing suit!
Dottie Campbell: So, you're the man who saved my husband's life. Dottie Campbell--what am I doing? Come here! [she hugs Peter]
Peter: Watch my hands, Lois. See! See where they are?! See! No touchy!

Dottie Campbell: The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer, Peter?
Peter: Uh, whaddya got?
Dottie Campbell: I've got Busch. [Peter looks worriedly at Dottie's crotch] Oh, and Busch Light.

Jeff Campbell: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
Dave Campbell: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
Dottie Campbell: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
Dave Campbell: Hey!
Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Chris: BOOBIES!
Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
Chris: BOOBIES!
Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
Meg: I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice.
Chris: BOOBIES!
Lois: Peter?
Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neuralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

Stewie: Oh, splendid. This calls for a sexy party!

Olivia Fuller: You are the weakest link, goodbye! [laughter]
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh, that's funny! That's really funn- do you-do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link, goodbye." You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? "You are The Weakest Link, goodbye." And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Hmm. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity, hmm? 'Cause I'm ri-I'm here. God, you're so funny!

[right before being picked up by Lois from school to Olivia]
Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Herbert: [after seeing Jeff walk by] Holy moly! It must be my birthday!

[while trying to play the French horn and breaks wind]
Stewie: Th-thank you, thank you, that was, ummm..."Me Farting" ...by, by Chopin. Th-hank you, thank you ver...thank you very- [runs out of the room]

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Lois: So, Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?
Meg: Mom! Come on, Jeff, let's go in the other room.
Lois: Now, Meg, no need to get all testes- uh, testy! Oh, nuts. I mean, crap!

Peter: Meg, how could you bring that naked kid into our house?
Meg: Because I like him! He remembers my name!

Olivia Fuller: Pretty exciting.
Stewie: What? The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia Fuller: Uh, what other thing?
Stewie: You know. The sex...with Simon. Why else would your name be first?
Olivia Fuller: Well, it's obvious. You know. Lead with strength, put your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera.
Stewie: So the sex was good?
Olivia Fuller: Oh, shut up, egotistical jerk!
Stewie: You shut up, you sap bellied strumpet!
Olivia Fuller: Blimp-headed jackass!
Stewie: Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

[Peter and Lois are nude]
Meg: Oh my God, what are you going?!
Lois: We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance.
Peter: Yeah, and we wanted him to feel welcome in our home. [Chris walks in naked as well]
Chris: Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey, why is everybody else naked?

[walking in on a nude Peter and Lois]
Quagmire: Hey Peter, can I borrow your lawnmower? AAAHHHHhhhhhh...you folks got a towel?

Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Lois: Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?
Brian: Sure.
Lois: And please keep an eye on him. Remember what happened last time?
[Cutaway to Stewie jumping up and down on Peter and Lois' bed; Stewie has a normal shaped head]
Brian: Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
Stewie: Shut up, you're not my mother! [he bounces and hits his head on the ceiling, flattening it into the football shape]
Brian: Good God, are you alright?
Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?

[Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
Lois: Look at that handsome man.
Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]

Stewie: Yes, yes, do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it, say it, say 'I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie'. HA! Don't forget the taint!

Peter: Come on, let's go drink until we can't feel feelings anymore.

[Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are using a radar to listen to what people are saying and they happen to pick up of what Quagmire is thinking to himself]
Quagmire: Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station. Last time I do somebody a favor. Oh God! They must have heard me! Oh god! I can hear me! Ba, na na na na na na na na na, na na, ba ba ba ba!

Police officer: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Peter: I saw you and him the other day, breaking the Fifth Commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

Stewie: Well, let's see, what takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up.
Brian [uninterested]: Ba-zing.

Lois: What is your problem?
Peter: You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is?! I LOVE TOO MUCH!
Lois: Peter, what are you talking about?
Peter: [dramatically] Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!
Lois: Peter, you're scaring me.
Peter: [shaking Lois] Good! Embrace the fear. [dances on tiptoes] Dance with me, Lois. Dance the dance of life! [moves backwards, tripping over a coffee table and crashing into a cabinet] Yeah, maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

Peter: [teaching Chris to hula-dance] No! It's step, hip, step, pivot! Are you trying to piss off the volcano!?

Peter: Aw, I don't know, Lois. Splittin' up didn't work too well for Pac-Man and his wife.
[Cutaway to a depressed Pac-Man sitting in a chair as 3 ghosts stand next to him]
Red Ghost (Blinky): Hey, come on, buddy, forget about her.
Green Ghost (unnamed): Yeah, you're too good for her anyway.
Yellow Ghost(unnamed): Yeah, cheer up, man.
Red Ghost: Hey, hey, you wanna eat us? Huh? [they turn blue]
Ghosts: Oh! Oh! We're turnin' blue! Oh, my God! He's gonna get us! Oh, oh...[they turn back to normal]
Red Ghost: Oh, no, he's not budging. Come on, lets go to Q*bert's. [they leave]

[Phone rings]
Lois: Hello?
Quagmire : Hey, Lois. Is Peter there?
Lois: Oh, hi, Quagmire. No, Peter's not home. We're, uh...we're having some minor marital problems. Our therapist has advised us to date other people. [Quagmire hangs up and instantly shows up at the Griffins' house]
Quagmire: Hey, Lois, you want to go out?
Lois: What? well, I don't know, Glenn. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time.
Quagmire: [breaks clock and moves its hands] How about now?
Lois: W-well, we are supposed to see other people, and I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert.
Quagmire: I'm in! Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-goo!

Quagmire: [holding a jacket] It's kind of chilly out, so I brought you a jacket.
Lois: Oh, no thanks, I'll be fine.
Quagmire: [now we see one of the jacket's arms is in his pants] Please?

Midget Woman: HELP ME!!
Stewie: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else gets the hose again! HA!!

Jennifer Love Hewitt: I Know What You Did Last Summer?
Peter: No, never heard of it.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: The Devil and Daniel Webster?
Peter: Nope.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Party of Five?
Peter: Was that a porno?

Quagmire: Hey, how about a couple of drinks?
Waiter: Certainly, sir. Martini for you and the usual roofie colada for your date?
Quagmire: No, no, no, uh, no, uh... [stammers] glass of wine.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink! [Quagmire immediately appears next to her]
Quagmire: Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada! [smiles at Jennifer]

Road to Europe

Gene Simmons: [on TV] So if you're a KISS fan, and you live in the Northeast, come out for all five shows of what we're calling "KISS-Stock!"
Peter: Aw, hell, the Northeast? Oh, it's times like this I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia.
Lois: No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.
Peter: We are? And KISS is coming to the Northeast! That means... [his train of thought derails]
Lois: That means...
Peter: No no, Lois, don't help me. It means we can do something...
Lois: Come on, Peter, you're almost there...
[Scene jumps to where Peter is having his teeth cleaned by the dentist.]
Peter: [jumps up from the dentist chair, bumping into the dentist, causing the cleaning tool he is using to stick in his eye] We can go to KISS-Stock!

Peter: Hey yo, Lois!
Lois: What?!
Peter: I'm packing for KISS-Stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois:You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt check from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trotts?
Peter: No, no, the pair with the hole in the left butt check from when I held it in for two hours 'cause it was that extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it go in the vestibule after mass and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois: Oh, bottom drawer.

Meg: My stupid parents are spending five days following stupid old KISS around. It's painful.
Peter: [mutters] Not as painful as a tyre iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, I'm not sure what it goes to but... I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute, actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. P.P.S. You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Brian: Great, I'm stuck on a transatlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse?
Andy Rooney: You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't get 'em open. Who are they trying to keep out of these things?
Jerry Seinfeld: And what's the deal with the razor blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there?
Andy Dick: Hi, Andy Dick here. Excuse me, I've got to get my bag up in the overhead bin here... [screams as he struggles to put his luggage in the overhead bin] Wow, that's wacky. [Brian sighs]

Arabic Merchant [sees Stewie and Brian walking in the marketplace]: Hey Americans! You like movies? I've got "Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It, But Praise Allah We Are Not Hurt"!

Father: No more balloon for you! I am sick of you tooling around the village in that thing. Honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week...
Son: But father...
Father: Go to your palace!
Brian: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Stewie: Ugh, yes, just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones. Pee-yew!

[Stewie and Brian are singing about their differences]
Brian: You get a kick out of carnage and guts.
Stewie: And you get a kick out of stroking your-
Brian: [shocked] Woah, you can't say that on television!
Stewie: What, "ego"?
Brian: Never mind.

[At KISS concert]
KISS: [singing] I wanna rock and roll all night... [Gene Simmons holds microphone in front of Lois]
Lois: [uncertainly] And have a wonderful...time. Is that it? Oh, no, no, it's uh... And something, something all...day. Right?
Gene Simmons: [in disappointment] Oh, man, I've lost all faith in mankind.
Paul Stanley: Music is dead to me now.
Peter Criss: Hey! Now's our chance!
Ace Frehley: Let's do it!
[Criss and Frehley start dancing and singing the Chattanooga Choo Choo]

Munich Tour Guide: You will find more on Germany's contributions to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided.
Brian: Yeah, uh, about your pamphlet... uh, I-I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian: Wait, wait, wait, w-what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
Brian: Wait, you can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour Guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour Guide: I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Sie werden sich hinsetzen! Sie werden ruhig sein! [raises his arm and does the Sieg Heil] Sie werden nicht Beleidigung Deutschland! ("You will sit down! You will stay quiet! You will not insult Germany!") [long pause of silence; everyone on the bus looks at the Tour Guide in shock]
Brian: Uh, is-is that a beer hall?
Tour Guide: [calmly] Oh, yes. Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

Peter: You've been living a lie all these years. You represented yourself as a KISS fan, and why? To make me look foolish.
Lois: No, to make you happy. I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter, but I just was never that big of a KISS fan.
Peter: Yeah, I should have guessed that when you were willing to dress up as Peter Criss. No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois, not even Peter Criss!

[Stewie and Brian at an Amsterdam cafe.]
Stewie: The only reason that we die...
Brian: Dude I totally know what you're going to...
Stewie: Ahh the only reason that we die is because we accept it, as an inevitability. ahhhhh!!!!!

Lois: Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me?
Peter: Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

Stewie: [after finding out that Jolly Farm is a fake] I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me! [Stewie's eyes tear up]
Brian: Hey, come on. You want to get some ice cream? That would make you feel better, right? [Stewie shakes head "no"] You want to get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes head "no" again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods head "yes"] Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Meg: Jolly Farm is on, Stewie. Don't you want to watch?
Stewie: Oh. The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, Megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! [puts one on and starts dancing while imitating tropical music]

Family Guy Viewer Mail #1

No Bones About It

Meg: I want a new hat!
Chris: I want a new hat!
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Lois: [after Peter loses his bones] Kids, we just have to learn to accept this, like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. And that'll be our lives, hmm?

Supergriffins

[while watching The Count on Sesame Street]
Peter: Have they-they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're... you're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.

Brian: Ask me how the queen of England is.
Lois: How's the queen of- [Brian runs out of the room, and comes back in with a Buckingham Palace guard's hat]
Brian: She's great.

Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.

Tom Tucker: Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

Peter: [as a dinosaur] Anyone who opposes our demands will be destroyed. Our first demand- you will erect a statue in the town square. The statue will depict Blair Warner admitting to Mrs. Garrett that the poem she submitted for her creative-writing class was actually plagiarized from a work by Emily Dickinson. We have spoken! [he and the family leave; while turning around, Peter knocks Meg away with his tail]

Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Mayor Adam West: Oh, my...
Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Mayor Adam West: I see...
Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Mayor Adam West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
Mayor Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

Li'l Griffins

Li'l Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split... a-and then one of you die.

Li'l Mayor Adam West: When do we get the grape juice? I came for the grape juice.

Teacher: Boys and girls, we have a new student joining us this morning. Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt.
Li'l Peter: Ugh, just what we need- another girl.
Li'l Quagmire: You said it! [Li'l Lois walks in]
Li'l Peter: Wow! I'd like to play doctor with her. A-and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis.
Li'l Quagmire: Giggity, giggity, giggity! [his hair stands erect like Alfalfa]

Li'l Quagmire: I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death!
Li'l Peter: Watch me! [laughs at Death]
Li'l Death: Oh, thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in!

Li'l Quagmire: Yeah, just thinking about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Oop, speak of the Devil. Oop, make that Devils.

Li'l Joe: Alright here's what we'll do: Quagmire's team will take the left side of the house and Peter's team will take the right.
Li'l Cleveland: Do I have a cobweb in my hair? It feels like I have a cobweb in my hair.

Li'l Mayor Adam West: If we only had a tea cup this would be just like playing "find the teacup in the bed sheet" like I do with my aunt Sofia.

Li'l Peter: Wait a sec, if you're there, and I'm here, [points at world map] and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area, then who the hell is that?

Li'l Tom Tucker: Get used to this sight, Diane: Guys running away from you.
Li'l Diane Simmons: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents!

[Years after they have sworn off women]
Peter: Hey, you watch the ticker. I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my Math? Mr. Shackleford says if I don't learn it, I won't be able to function in the real world.
[Cutaway to Chris asking a man for directions]
Man: Okay, now what you gotta do is go down the road past the old Johnson place, then you're gonna find two roads; one parallel and one perpendicular. Now keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45-degree angle. Solve for X. [camera pulls back to show Chris in the fetal position sucking his thumb]
Peter: [chuckling] Math! Math, my dear boy is but the lesbian sister of Biology.

Stewie: Yes, and in the meantime, here's a little vision test. [from Meg's blurred POV, we see Stewie hold a brown object] What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?

Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses.
Meg: You wear glasses.
Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Lois: I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child.
[Cutaway to Peter and Lois' wedding]
Peter: What can I say about my beautiful bride except [pointing at each of her breasts, then her crotch] milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, fudge is made! [laughs]

Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Cleveland: She's got a point, Peter. You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money.

Peter: Wait a second. Rosenblatt? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money?
Cleveland: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
Peter: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones, but-but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!

Stewie: Where did you graduate from again, uh-huh, the University of [looks down, moves hand side-to-side, has tongue sticking out] DUHHHHHHHHHHH!

Lois: You'll have to excuse Peter, he can be a little tactless sometimes.
Brian: Yes, like the time he soiled himself at that dinner party?
[Cutaway to Peter and Lois' dinner party. Peter sits there with a blank look on his face]
Lois: I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away.
Woman: Yes. It spread through his body so fast, but, he's at peace now, and the whole f-
Peter: UH-OH!

Lois: Now I don't want to hear another word about this.
Peter: [in sign language] She won't have to hear another word, because luckily we've mastered American sign language.
Chris: [in sign language] Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Peter: [on a note] Dear Lois
Chris and I
went to the library to read lots of books
have gone clothes shopping with you
are invisible, but are right here anyway

have gone fishing.
-Peter

Brian: [snickers]
Lois: What do you know about this, Brian?
Brian: [Brian looks up nervously] Nothing.
Lois: I know when you're lying to me, Brian.
Brian: No, no, I swear.
Lois: Meg, take Stewie upstairs. [Meg and Stewie go upstairs]
Brian: [nervously] Wha-what are you doing?
Lois: Oh, you don't know that, either? [Lois reaches to the top of the refrigerator and takes down a dog whistle. Brian has a nervous look on his face] Last chance, Brian. [Brian looks away nervously. Lois blows on the whistle; Brian runs around the kitchen yelping]
Brian: Ahh! Ahh! They're in Vegas getting a quickie Bar Mitzvah!
Lois: WHAT?!

Quagmire: [answering the door almost naked] Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing.

External links

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