Family Guy/Season 4

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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North by North Quahog

Peter: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

Brian: What are you watching, Peter?
Peter: Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something about it.
[screen flashes to Peter looking like Jesus Christ and being whipped, screaming in agonizing pain]
Peter: [suddenly stands up] Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey. Stop it. Stop it.
Torturer: Okay.
Peter: Okay?
Torturer: Okay.
Peter: Alright.

Lois: Honey, whaddaya say we, uh, christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl!
Lois: [laughing] That's me!
Peter: You dirty hustler!
Lois: [laughs]
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute!
Lois: [laughs; slightly annoyed] Okay, I get it.
Peter: You foul, venereal disease-carrying, street-walking whore!
Lois: All right, that's enough!

Lois: [yells out during sex] George!
Peter: [gets up] George? Who the hell is George?
Lois: [embarrassed] George Clooney.
Peter: Our sex is so dull for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I'm sorry, honey. I guess that things have become a little stale for me.
Peter: I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. [pulls a car battery up from the floor, places it on the night stand, and attaches battery clamps to each nipple and begins getting shocked] Ah, ah, ah, ah, oh God! Ow, ow, ow, ow! This doing it for you? Ah, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Lois: Well, I don't know. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I mean, our honeymoon. So much rug burn!
Peter: Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon.
Lois: Peter, that's a wonderful idea!
Peter: Yeah. We'll be just like The Honeymooners!
[Cutaway to the set of The Honeymooners]
Ralph Kramden: One of these days, Alice. One of these days...
Alice Kramden: Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph. Right to the moon.
[Audience laughs, then Ralph suddenly punches Alice. The crowd gasps, then Ralph slowly backs towards the door, opens it and runs out]

Stewie: You know, Brian, if I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: What?
Brian: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: Well, you can't be serious. Well, what if, what if I make a fudgie? Oh, well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!

Chris: What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople?!

Stewie: [laughing while Brian changes him] How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude? [laughs] Aft torpedoes, fire! [shoots a stream at Brian's face]

[Meg and Chris are watching TV]
TV Announcer: And now, back to Two and a Half Men.
[The screen shows two men and another man with his legs cut off, with all three screaming and moving around in pain]
Half Man: Kill me!
Meg: Turn it, Chris! I want to watch George Lopez.
Chris: That show only furthers the stereotype that George López is funny.
[Meg tries to snatch the remote, but Chris tugs on to it. For the next five seconds they try to prevent each other from taking it. Chris then lets go and snatches Meg's hat off her head]
Meg: My hat!
Chris: [puts it in his pants and laughs] Wear it now! [the two chase eachother until they start tackling each other]
Brian: Hey, uh, you two better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat.
Chris: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul.
Brian: Ow.
Stewie: Don't take that! Raise your voice to them.
Brian: HEY! Knock it off! [Chris and Meg both sit on the couch. Meg takes her hat out of Chris' pants and puts it back on]

Stewie: Besides, I know how to deal with children, unlike Mr. Geppetto.
[Cutaway to Geppetto's workshop]
Geppetto: [drops his glasses intentionally] Oh no, I dropped my glasses. [bends down with his behind facing Pinocchio] Uh, by the way, uh, Pinocchio, uh, there was a cookie missing from the jar. Did you, uh, did you take it by any chance?
Pinocchio: Yes, Papa Gepetto, I'm sorry.
Geppetto: Are you sure you took it? Because, uh, I'd believe you if you said you didn't.
Pinocchio: No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you.
Geppetto: You could try. Who knows? You might get away with it.

Tricia Takanawa: Diane, I am standing outside of The Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside.

[at the dance]
Brian: Oh man, look at that kid. That is one ugly eighth-grader. [we see Herbert dressed as a kid, talking to 2 boys]
Herbert: You don't wanna hurt yourself dancin'. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.

Peter: Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially-reserved room.
Hotel manager: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter: Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.

[in the car ride home from Chris' school dance]
Stewie: Did you think you were cool? Did you think you were grown up? Hm?
Chris: I didn't actually drink any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.
Stewie: Well, we are going to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.
Brian: And in the meantime, you're grounded, Chris.
Chris: Oh, come on. That sucks!
Stewie: Do you want us to pull over?
Chris: I don't care what you do!
Stewie: Oh, we'll pull over. We'll pull over. [to Brian] Pull over.
[The car stops. Stewie spanks Chris' butt, as Chris cries]
Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: I got hit by a baseba-a-all! [Stewie continues spanking Chris, who continues crying]

[Lois and Peter's second honeymoon has not worked]
Peter: Then what are we supposed to do? Admit there's no spark left in our marriage, go home, and become two old people who sit across the table from each other talking about how much they like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Yeah, so do I! And it's healthy for us too- OH GOD, IT'S STARTING ALREADY! Lois we are screwed!

Peter: Oh man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
[Cutaway: Peter stares at a chair in his living room, and then launches himself at it, crashing and tipping it over]

Peter: Don't worry Lois. I got an idea.
[Peter drives their car into a mall, Blues Brothers style]
Lois: Peter. What the hell is wrong with you!?
Peter: Lois, how many times have I done this before?
Lois:[reassured] OK, but be careful.

Tom Tucker: Can my wife, Stacey, get you anything?
Stacey: Go to hell, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Already there, hun.
Brian: Yes well uh, Mr. Tucker, um, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance, and uh, Chris got blamed for it. This, uh, th-this whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face. [Stewie slowly turns his head sideways and stares at Brian disbelievingly]

Peter: I am so clever. That's why they picked me to convince Congress to go to war.
[Cutaway to Congress]
Congressman 1: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq!
Peter: Well that may be, but what we're all forgetting is: anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay.
Congressman 2: I want to go to war!
Congressman 3: I wanted to go to war!
Congressman 4: I wanted to go to war! [Congress clamors with agreement]
Dick Cheney: I was the first one who wanted to go to war!!

Lois: [freaked out] What are you gonna do to me? [lustfully] Oh, what are you gonna do to me?

Peter: Alright Gibson, I want my wife back, or a woman of equal physical attractiveness.

[Being pursued by Mel Gibson on Mt. Rushmore]
Peter: Lois, I don't mean to sound star struck right now, but Mel Gibson is shooting at us!
[Lois slips and falls down the side of the monument. She catches herself on George Washington's Face.]
Lois: AHHHHH! Peter! Help!
Peter: Oh God! I'm coming Lois!
[Peter climbs down and clings on one of George Washington's nostrils]
Peter:[laughs] Hey Lois. Look! I'm a booger! Heheheheheheh.....

[on Mt. Rushmore]
Lois: OH, PETER!
Peter: YES!
George Washington: Hey, hey, Jefferson, check it out! Chick getting nailed on my head.
Thomas Jefferson: Sweet! Hey Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, ha ha.

Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now we go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: HE GON' GIT IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

Greased-up Deaf Guy: [referring to cocaine] Don't let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Gym Teacher: Most of the time, the kids will exercise out in the field, but if it's raining or I'm hung over, they stay inside and play dodgeball.
Peter: Aw, I love dodgeball. Heads up! [throws ball at one of the fathers]
Home Ec Teacher: And this week in home ec, we're teaching your kids how to make bundt cake.
Peter: Aw, I love bundt cake. Heads up! [throws a bundt cake at the same father from before]
Band Teacher: The school band offers a wide variety of instruments from the kettle drum to the trombone.
Peter: Aw, I love the trombone! [the father from before braces himself, but instead of throwing the trombone, Peter plays a solo on it. When he finishes, everyone applauds] Heads up! [throws the trombone at the father]

Peter: Hey, hey Chris. When I was in school, you know what we used to do when a teacher gave us a bad grade?
Chris: What?
Peter: We'd egg his house. [gets up from his chair] Come on, where's this bastard live?
Chris: I'll show you! [he and Peter run outside with two cartons of eggs. Outside, Chris points to the door of their house] That's his house!
[Peter and Chris laugh as they throw eggs at the door of the house until Brian opens it]
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Peter: Is that him?
Chris: Yeah!
Peter: Oh, crap! [he and Chris run away]

[after Brian acts as Mark Twain]
Brian: Hey, sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?
Chris: Yeah! Captain Crunch was here! Didn't you pass him on the stairs?
Brian: Well, I hope the rest of you kids learned something today.

[after Brian hears that he is being reassigned to teaching remedial English]
Brian: Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot.
[Cutaway to Peter standing near the stairs with a water hose in a yellow and greenish bathing suit, as the water from the hose goes down the stairs]
Peter: Brian, Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. [tries to slide down it, but he tumbles down it and lands on the floor. He cries in pain]
Brian: I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything if I do.

Mrs. Lockhart: I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think can do better. What do you see here, Chris? [holds up Chris's failed homework in front of her chest]
Chris: Two Ds and an F.

[Stewie is sandwiched between Lois and Peter kissing]
Stewie: Just remember fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains!

Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.
[Cutaway to Donny and Marie Osmond in bed together]
Donny Osmond: Uh...Marie?
Marie Osmond: Yeah, Donny?
Donny Osmond: Um...we cannot tell Mom.

Lois: So, Chris, how's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter [ignoring Lois and Chris]: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher!
Meg: Ew, gross!
Stewie: You know what else is gross? [bunches up his face and tries to force a fart, he does so and his right eye turns red] Ahh, broke a damn blood vessel!

[while Stewie is doing the robot]
Brian: Okay, you can stop that now.
Stewie: I can't hear you, I'm a robot!
Brian: Come on, knock it off.
Stewie: Does not compute! [Brian turns the radio off, and Stewie stops doing funky dances and "turns off"] Boooo...
Brian: I'm going to bed.
Stewie: I do not require sleep! ["turns on"] Boooop! [does the robot again] Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this!

[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]
Lois: No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
[Cutaway to prisoners singing in the shower]
Prisoners: Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,
Whether you're white or bronze
A man can wash another man
In the merry old land of Oz!

[as Mr. Lockhart's corpse sinks in the river]
Fish 1: You know what I hate? A man in a blue suit.
Fish 2: [gulps]
Fish 1: [inhales slowly] There's one right behind me, isn't there?

Peter: You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but, eh, since he killed that guy, uh, I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now.
Lois: Peter, I'm scared!
Peter: Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape while he's killing Meg. [whispering in Lois' ear] He hates her the most. [Chris walks into the room]
Chris: Hey, everybody! What's for dinner? I'm starving.
Peter: [whispering] My god, his blood lust is unquenchable! [to Chris] Hey, Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich?
Meg: I don't wanna die! [jumps through the window, breaking it]
Chris: Why is everyone acting weird?
Lois: Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve.
Chris: What I did? Oh, that I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo?
Chris: That I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter: Close, but still no.
Stewie: How is that close?

[while Lois is interrogating Chris of murdering Mr. Lockhart]
Peter: Oh, come on, Chris. Everybody's done something they're not proud of. Like when I used to be a Wonder Twin.
[Cutaway shows Jayna from the Wonder Twins, with Peter as a Wonder Twin]
Jayna: Peter, the old school house is on fire! Let's go!
Peter and Jayna: Wonder Twin powers, activate!
Jayna: Form of...a hawk! [transforms into a hawk and flies off] Come on, Peter!
Peter: Uh, I'll be right behind you. Shape of...Jayna's tampon. [turns into a tampon and jumps into Jayna's purse] And now, I play the waiting game...

Stewie: [screaming at Chris in the middle of the night; with makeup on his face] Hey! Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Blind Ambition

Cleveland: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfaction watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe: Can't blame them for being self-righteous, the black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited.
Cleveland: The black ball's done nothing wrong.
Joe: If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.

Tom Tucker: Coming up, Diane's weight. [Diane looks surprised, then looks at Tom suspiciously]

Joe: You know, you're lucky I've got some extra pull around here, [frees Quagmire] thanks to my eighteen medals for heroism.
Peter: Geez, there he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry them? [laughs] I-I did something like that once.
[Cutaway shows Peter in a room in a chair, with an insurance salesman behind a desk]
Insurance Salesman: And in the event of your death, you'd like the insurance policy to be paid to your wife?
Peter: Yup.
Insurance Salesman: And your wife is this piece of pie? [there is a piece of blueberry pie in the chair next to Peter]
Peter: You got it. [to the piece of pie] Love you.
Insurance Salesman: Okay, sign here. [camera cuts back to Peter to reveal blueberry juice all over his shirt, and nothing but a few crumbs left on the plate where the pie was]
Peter: You know what? You can probably go ahead and cancel that.

Lois: Well, well, look who's here.
Peter: Alright, alright, look, I know an apology is due here, so Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested.
Lois: Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom!
Peter: Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. [to Quagmire] Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family.
Loretta: We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.
Bonnie: Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around.
Peter: Okay first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like 6 years, all right. Either have the baby or don't. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up- [the chicken from Da Boom attacks Peter. After the fight, Peter comes back, panting]
Peter: Sorry about that. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up, that's all. Give him another chance.

[Quagmire is lying on his couch, naked, with a ceiling fan running near his crotch as Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Mort Goldman try to teach him self-control]
Joe: Here's this month's Victoria's Secret catalog.
Quagmire: Oh, oh God, oh God, uh, uh, uh... dead kittens, dead kittens! Uh, uh, old nuns... uh, really old nuns... uh, Renée Zellweger! [sighs of relief] Ah, there we go.

[Peter invents a new type of flying machine, a clone of a plane with the ten wings]
Brian: Peter, if you'll just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this.
Peter: Later, later, Brian. I gotta do something that people will remember me for. Which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine.
Stewie: You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this that, uh... leads me to believe this probably won't work.
Peter: Alright, Stewie, let her rip.
[Stewie starts riding the plane, and it crashes, hurling Stewie into the hole of a tree]

[Peter and Brian are at Quahog Elementary School, where Peter is dressed in a costume of a cougar]
Peter: Brian, this time I think I got just the thing people will remember me for. I am gonna stop pollution with my new, lovable character, Gary the No-Trash Cougar. [puts his cougar's head on, gets out a gun and cocks it. Peter barges into the doors of the lunchroom and pulls his gun out in front of about 8 school kids] PICK UP YOUR TRASH! [all the school kids put their hands up] I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE CUP THIS IS! [points to a cup on the floor, then shoots at the ceiling. All the kids hide under the tables] I SAID I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE CUP THIS IS! [a girl reaches out from behind a table raising her hand] PICK IT UP! [the girl comes out from behind the table and takes the cup] PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP! [she throws the cup in the trash. Peter puts the gun down] Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says, "Give a 'larbage', throw out your garbage." Spread the word. [shoots the gun at the ceiling twice then runs off]

Peter: Holy crap, Lois, I'm blind as a bat! I can't see a thing!
Vern: You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead, and TV's the box they're gonna bury it in! Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. [Vern pulls out an oversized hula hoop] Watch me leap through this big hoop. [Vern tries to jump through the hoop, but falls flat on his face]
Vern: [to his partner Johnny] Vamp! Vamp!
[Johnny plays a sprightly, upbeat tune on his piano]

[Peter, completely blind, feels his way to the bedroom. Instead, he ends up in Chris' room and climbs in his bed]
Peter: Hey, you still awake, Lois, honey?
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh-shh-shh-shh, don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. [runs his hand down Chris' chest] My hands on your big, soft man boobs, running down your big, man-like ch- holy crap, it's Chris! [jumps out of bed; Chris looks traumatized] Uh, uh, so, you doin'? You do all your homework? [Chris nods yes] Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good. Just, uh, just checkin'. Have a good night, son. [Peter feels his way out into the hallway and in another room and remains offscreen] You still awake, honey?
Stewie: [offscreen] What the deuce?!

Brian: [sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter: Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.
Brian: What do you need a seeing eye dog for?
Peter: Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
[Cutaway to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]
Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]
Peter: Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but,, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.

God: [talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam] Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. [makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]
Woman: Wow!
God: Yep, magic fingers. [God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes] Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ: What?
God: Get the Escalade, we're outta here!

Tom Tucker: And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend from that burning building?
Tom Tucker: And there you have it. Coming up next: Watch me shave.

Don't Make Me Over

Meg: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg: Craig Hoffman.
Peter: Craig H-Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid; you might be ugly. [Meg cries and runs away]

[Meg cries at the table]
Stewie: There, there, let me dry those tears.
[He rubs Meg's cheeks and then licks his hands]
Stewie: Mmm...yes, your anguish sustains me.

Peter: Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
[Cutaway to hospital]
Peter: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.
Man: Oh my god.
Peter: [laughs] No no no, I'm just kidding. She's dead.

Lois: Peter take a look at your daughter.
Peter: Oh my God, Lois, I'm sorry, it was 15 years ago, I'd never even heard the word rubber.
Lois: Peter, this is Meg!
Meg: I got a makeover, Dad! Don't I look great?
Peter: Oh Meg, honey, I always thought you were beautiful just the way you- [laughs]! Oh God, couldn't do that with a straight face! [laughs some more] Welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.

Mayor Adam West: [during Peter and his friends' rendition of "Don't Stop Believin'"] Oh, God. I love this song! And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.

Brian: Uh, you know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Peter: Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome!
Brian: Wait, what-what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is-is that what you just said? I just, I-I'm ants at a picnic? All right, just making sure.

Peter: Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the tin man found out he was gay.
[Cutaway to Dorothy, the Tin Man, The Scarecrow and Toto from The Wizard of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow.]
Tin Man: Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.

Lois: All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father that we're here for his band's first performance.
Director: The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Quahog: "Fat, Horny, Black and Joe." [stage unveils]
Peter: Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
Quagmire: One, Two, Three, Four! [long pause]
Peter: Oh my god, we don't know any songs.
Various voices from the audience: You suck! Get off the stage! [the prisoners riot and start throwing chairs, boots, bottles and soda cans at the men]
Peter: What do we do?
Quagmire: I know what I'm doing, I'm getting out of here! [runs off his seat] Giggity, giggity, giggity, gone!

Prisoner: Man, I could strangle her all night long! ...Uhh, that's not healthy, is it? That that's the first thing I go to?

Peter Griffin: Alright, Dr. Diddy. I got three choices for you for the name of the band: Peter Griffin Starship, Peter Griffin and the Sunday Steppers, or Testicular Sound Express.
Dr. Diddy: I think the name is Meg.
Meg: Me? Why?
Peter: Yeah, why?
Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her out front, center stage. And that's gonna make y'all billionares, because America loves hot, white, jailbait ass.
Peter: Wait a minute...that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.

Stewie: [singing]
I want to have intercourse with you
Uh, oh, yeah
Intercourse with you
Brian: Relations
Stewie: Intercourse with you-u-u-u Right?
Brian: Yeah, no, great, that sounds good.
Stewie: All right, all right, yeah, groovy, groovy. Now, uh, is there a shorter word for intercourse?

Peter: [after learning the family is going to be on SNL] You mean I'm gonna get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner and Phil Hartman and Chris Farley and Horatio Sanz? Sweet!

Lois: Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control. I mean, what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter: No Coke. Pepsi! [he laughs; Lois walks away in disgust] Oh, come on, you set me up for that one!

Meg: [after sex] Wow, Jimmy. That was everything Ladies' Home Journal said it would be.
Jimmy Fallon: [in bed with Meg, snickering] Awesome. Great. Thanks. Um, you know, there's something I... there's something I've gotta tell you. Being with you makes me feel so a-live from New York, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
Meg: [gasps in horror]
[Lois and Peter watch in the green room]
Announcer: It's Saturday Night Live!
Lois: [stunned] Oh, my God!
Peter: Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? A rare miss.
Lois: I don't think that was a sketch, Peter.
Meg: [runs in the room crying] Mom, Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?
Lois: (hugging Meg) Oh, my poor baby!
Peter: Oh, my God, Lois! You were right! Why the hell didn't I see it coming? Alright stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty! [laughs] I said "doodie"-but no time to talk about that now!

[During Jimmy Fallon's monologue, Peter runs onstage and starts punching him.]
Peter: That was for laughing in every skit you were ever in! [He lets Fallon go.] Now where's that idiot who slept with my daughter?

[after Brian turns off It's Showtime at the Apollo]
Brian: What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What? I can't be tired at 1 in the morning? [runs off the couch towards the center of the screen barking until the scenery fades out]

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

Lois: Oh, I've always loved charades. Your turn Joe.
Joe: The category is famous people. Ok, guess who I am.
Peter: Ironside!
Lois: Larry Flynt!
Meg: Stephen Hawking!
Chris: Uh, Dr. Strangelove!
Cleveland: Roy Campanella!
Bonnie: Richard Petty!
Lois: Lance Armstrong!
Peter: Neil Armstrong, Stretch Armstrong, Stretch Cunningham, Howard Cunningham, Potsie Weber! [Joe falls overboard and begins to drown]
Peter: Oh, Natalie Wood. Definitely Natalie Wood.
Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois: Peter he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick, Joe, kick! [the deckhands throw a rope and rescues Joe, but he is unconscious]
Bonnie: Somebody help him! [Peter pokes him with his fishing pole, then kicks him. A deckhand gives him mouth to mouth]
Peter: Aww, gay!
Joe: [coughs] You were right, Peter, it was Natalie Wood.

[two cars bump into each other. Two men come out of them]
Man 1: Sorry, I was dialing the phone. Are you all right?
Man 2: Yeah, don't worry about it. Doesn't look like there's any- [Peter rushes onto the scene]
Peter: Peter Griffin, certified CPR. Don't anyone panic! [takes Man 2 down and starts punching him]
Man 2: Aaahh! What the hell are you doing? [Peter gives him mouth-to-mouth]
Man 1: Y-you know, I don't think he's hurt.
Peter: I'll get to you in a moment, sir. Alright, I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself. [tries to take the Man 2's pants off. Man 2 starts struggling] Sir? Sir?
Man 2: What the hell is wrong with you?
Peter: Sir, I've got to check if you've soiled yourself.
Man 2: Get off of me! Are you crazy?
Peter: Sir? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, alright? We got to get these trousers off. [continues to take Man 2's pants off]
Man 1: Leave him alone!
Man 2: I hurt my elbow! Somebody call the cops! This is ridiculous!
Peter: Hey, hey, sir! Sir! I gotta see if you soiled yourself.
Man 2: Nobody asked you to get involved, you idiot! [Peter finally takes his pants off]
Man 1: Get off him, you jackass! [grabs Peter's shoulder, but Peter pushes him back]
Peter: Sir, I'm gonna need you to step back. All right, looks like we're clean down here. [lets Man 2 go] You guys take it easy. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward.

Brian: So, they revoked your CPR card, huh?
Peter: Yeah. I tell you, this is worse than that time they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated.
[Cutaway to the library]
Peter: [reading, intoxicated] Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You still live in exciting times. [a police officer shows up] Aw, crap!
Police officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter: [reading and running as the officer follows him] The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one! Aaahh! [runs into the bookshelf, knocking it and a bunch of books over, then cries]

Loretta: OHHH!!
Brian: Hey, do you hear that?
Peter: What?
Brian: Sounds like someone screaming.
Peter: What, what is it boy? What are you trying to say?
Brian: It's sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter: Trouble at the old mill?
Brian: What are you, insane!?
Peter: Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian: It's summer.
Peter: Bobcat?
Brian [barks] Ru-ru, ru-ru-ru-ru-ru!
Peter: Loretta's in trouble? Come on boy!

Peter: Wait a minute. Brian, if that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta...then Loretta's having an affair! Oh, we can't tell anyone about this. That is the LAST thing in the world we want to do.
[Cut to Peter wearing an "Italy" shirt and a red cap, Brian in a hula, and a backpack, a hang glider and many other things are in the background]
Peter: What a day! We've done everything in the world! So, I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair.
Joe: Good lord! [Lois and Bonnie gasp]
Quagmire: Oh, no! [to himself] Oh, God, I'm screwed! This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation!
[Cutaway to Quagmire as President Clinton in the Oval Office]
Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gagoogity that girl. I gashmoigitied her giflavity with my googis. And I am sorry.

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this Mr.Divani! So I'll let these guys do it!
[Peter, and four other men, all dressed in red and white, enter and begin singing.]
Peter and men: YOU HAVE AIDS! Yes you have Aids! I hate to tell you boy that you have Aids! You got the Aids!
Peter:You may have caught when you stuck that filthy needle in here.
Other Four Men: Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here?
Peter: It isn't clear.. but what were certain of is-
Peter and four men: -you have Aids! Not HIV, but full blown Aiiiids! Be sure that you see that this is not H-I-V..... But full blown Aids!! Not-HIV-but-really full blow Aids!!!
Other Four Men:I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious...
Peter and Four Men: -But its Aids! YOU'VE GOT THE: AIIIIIDSSSS!!!!!!

Lois: You know, Peter, I'm a little worried about Cleveland. His wife cheated on him, kicked him out of the house, and he doesn't seem at all affected by it.
Brian: He's probably bottling up his emotions. That's not good for you.
Lois: Right. I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out 200 bucks for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward.
[Peter and Lois are in the front of the audience. John Edward comes over to Peter. Lois looks very angry]
John Edward: I'm sensing an "A." Does your name begin with an "A"?
Peter: No.
John Edward: A "B"?
Peter: No.
John Edward: C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P-
Peter: "P"! Peter! My name's Peter! '
John Edward: ...Is your name, Peter?
Peter: Wow... You are some kind of sorcerer...
[Lois looks really pissed.]

Peter: Cleveland, Quagmire's sleeping with your wife!
Lois: What?
Cleveland: Quagmire slept with Loretta?
Lois: Oh, oh, my god, Cleveland, I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now.
Cleveland: It's okay.
Brian: It's okay? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend?
Cleveland: Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.
Lois: Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Somtimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You gotta [lightly pushes Cleveland] push back a little, you gotta get a little rough! OH GOD, PETER, [turns around and drops her pants] HIT ME!
Brian: YEAH!! [smacks her ass]
Lois: OWW! [turns around with her pants still down looking a little embarassed]
Brian: Wow, so that's, uh, that's something about Quagmire and, uh, Loretta, huh?

Peter: All right, all right, calm down, Cleveland.
Cleveland: I'm gonna kill Quagmire! (panting)
Peter: Oh God, you're hyperventilating!
Peter: Chris, get me a bag.
[Chris hands Peter a plastic bag. ]
Peter: Okay, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down.
[Peter places the bag over Clevelands head.]
Lois: Peter, I'm not sure that that's...
[Cleveland begins gasping for air.]
Peter: Not now, Lois. Okay, Cl-Cl... Okay, Cl-Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax. There you go. There you go. Okay, shh, shh-shh-shh-shh. It's okay, it's okay. It's all gonna be okay.
[Peter lays Cleveland on the ground, unconscious.]
Lois: Peter, you better do your CPR!
Peter: There's no time, Lois! I gotta go warn Quagmire while I got the chance. Quick! To the Petercopter!
[exits house and takes off in a helicopter with his face on it, which immediately crashes into Joe's yard]
Peter: AHH! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh my God! Oh!
Joe: Peter, what the hell?!
Peter: Joe, Joe, get inside! The blades- are still spinning!
Peter: Joe, get inside! Oh!
Peter: Oh, oh, God. Oh, my God! Oh, no! No! (screaming)
[The Petercopter stops, all is calm.]
Peter: (sighs) Oh, Joe! Oh, I am sorry, buddy. Oh, my... Are-Are you okay?
Joe: It's okay. Look, it's okay.
Peter: You all right?
Joe: It's okay. I'm fine.
Peter: Oh, boy.
Joe: Everybody's fine.
Peter: Oh, that was scary.

Mayor Adam West: Say no more. I'll protect you, sir. It is my job. I only ask that you do not feed my cat Bootsie, as he's already eaten and might throw up.

[As Cleveland fumes, Stewie turns the TV on to [Bewitched].]
Endora:: Well, Durwood, now you really are the big man of the house. [Darin is an elephant.]
Samantha: Mother! Change him back!
[Endora changes him back.]
Darin: Um You know, Endora, uh, I'm getting a little sick of this crap. You ever seen one of these, huh? You know what this is, huh? [Holds up a small vial.]
Endora: No...
Darin: Yeah, it's holy water. Huh? Yeah. Try it.
[Darin begins to throw the holy water at Endora, who starts shrieking.]
Darin: Yeah. How's that feel? Yeah, you like that? Yeah? Power of Christ compels you, bitch!
[Back in the living room.]
Cleveland: I hate Bewitched!
[Cleveland flips the couch Stewie is sitting on upside down.]
Stewie: Hey, so, that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

[Adam West is dressed as a Buckingham Palace guard]
Mayor Adam West: It's all right to go to sleep, my friend. I'll stand guard.
Quagmire: Uh, okay.
Mayor Adam West: Don't worry, I'll be here all night. Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. [stifled laugh] Boner. [laughing] His name was... Boner. [giggling] [laughing] Bone... [guffawing] I've failed you.

Peter:Well, there's only one thing to do, Lois. We got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together. And I know just how to do it! To the Hindenpeter! [exits house and a large blimp with Peter's face on it flies by; a crash is heard]
Peter: Joe, I am so sorry!

Quagmire: Yeah, uh, Cleveland, this is Quagmire. Uh, listen, I feel awful. Why don't you come on over and we can try to get things back to the way they used to be? Remember how it was?
[Cutaway to Cleveland and Quagmire wearing hip 70's clothes, brown caps and medallions, walking around doing fancy movements with their fingers]
Cleveland: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us.
Quagmire: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges.
Cleveland: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] We are...
Both: Two wild and crazy guys! [Peter walks in, with a hamper full of clothes, looking like a conehead ]
Peter: You guys look stupid.

[Quagmire is running from Cleveland, who keeps hitting Quagmire's stuff with a bat, and a bed comes out of every one of them. Quagmire holds up the banana that Adam West gave him]
Mayor Adam West: [in Quagmire's mind] When the time comes, you'll know.
Quagmire: [throws the banana on the floor, looks at Cleveland briefly, then runs] Damn it!

Emperor Palpatine: Good...Let the hate flow through you.
Lois: [pushes him away] You're not helping!

Peter: Well, look at the bright side, Lois. It's a chance for a fresh start. For both Cleveland and Lor-
[A man with a red afro appears and kicks Peter in the nuts.]
Peter: (screams)
[Laughing and clapping is heard as Peter rolls around on the ground.]
Lois: Oh, my God!
Peter: Ow!
Lois: What are you doing? What's wrong with you?
Peter: What the hell, man?!
Man with Afro: Hurts, doesn't it?
Peter: What the hell do...? Yes!
[Man with Afro laughs.]
Peter: What the hell's your problem?
Man with Afro: My friend, my friend.
Peter: Ow! Ow! What?
Man with Afro: You've been "Kicked in the ****."
Peter: No way!
Man with Afro: You're gonna be on TV.
Peter: Oh, sweet! Oh.
Lois: Wow!
Peter: Oh, my God.
Lois: We love that show.
Peter: Oh, that is awesome. Hey, hi.
Man with Afro: You're on it.
Peter: Oh, wow.


Lois: Well, now that the mess is all cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room, it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit.
Peter: Oh, man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. It always makes me feel so stupid.
Brian: More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car?
[Cutaway showing Peter sitting in his car]:
Peter: Damn it. H-hey, hey! Somebody! Hey! [a man walks by the car] Hey, s-sir! Sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir? Sir-oh, screw you! [shifts a bent piece of a hanger out of the window. He manages to hook his keys onto it, but the hanger falls off and out of the car; Peter cries]

Lois: Okay, here we go. What color is a fire truck?
Peter: Ah, oh God, I always get these. Um, okay, uh, alright, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, what color are those red fire trucks? Uh, oh God, I can picture 'em now, all red and everything...

Lois: Okay, Peter, this is for the win. Say the word "what".
Peter: Okay, um...this, uh, really separates the men from the boys. Uhhhh...[exhales]
Lois: Peter, just say "what."
Peter: Ah, ah, ah, ah, now Lois, Lois, this is not a race. Um, okay I wanna say "who"...uh, oh boy, uh...Fantastic Four...Fantastic Four, uh, steak, steak, steak, steak, uh, small amount of, is it "what"?
Lois: That's right. You win, Peter! You did it!
Peter: Oh my God, I won. I won!
Chris: My dad's smarter than your dad!
Meg: We have the same dad, idiot!
Chris: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

[Peter gets his test results out of the mail and walks into the house]
Peter: Well, here they are, Brian, my test results. Read 'em and weep. [gives his test results to Brian]
Brian: Uh, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded.
Peter: Oh yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian: Uh, maybe.
Peter: Uh-oh. [a bulldozer destroys the wall of the house coming in]
Bulldozer driver: [heavily intoxicated] Congratulations! [falls off his seat, breaking a bottle of beer]

Peter: Hello, Sally? Hey, hey, it's Peter Griffin...yeah, that's right, senior prom. Yeah, no, it's been a while, yeah. So, uh, listen, um, I just found out I'm retarded, and, um, I'm just calling to let you know, might want to get yourself tested. Hello?

Brian: You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... EEEYEAH!! IN YOUR FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD!! ...I'm...I'm sorry about that.

Meg: [after learning that Peter is retarded] I can't believe that this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no. It's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Peter: Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
Lois: [takes the mic from Peter] Give me that! Sorry, folks. Oh, my God, is that what my voice sounds like? It''s all whiny and nasaly... bleh!

Meg: Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown.
Cleveland: No problem, Meg. If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it. [walks away]
Meg: Oh, my god. Craig Hoffman's new car is so cool.
Girl 2: Oh, my god. Totally. I love the color.
Girl 3: Really? What color is it?
Meg: It's like, blue, kind of blue-green. Oh, it's the same color as his eyes.
Girl 5: Oh, wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it.
Meg: I heard he bought it from his dad.
[Quagmire's face slowly starts to lift up from behind the couch]
Girl 4: Yeah, I remember his dad dropped him off at school in it one time when he was a freshman.
Girl 2: Doesn't his dad live in Hartford?
Girl 5: I think so.
Girl 3: My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford. They have a mall there that's pretty cool. It's like, part underground!
Girl 4: Oh, that's awesome!
[Quagmire walks out from behind the couch with only his leopard-skin briefs and his shoes on, with his red shirt and blue pants]
Quagmire: Damn it! You guys are boring the crap out of me! [puts his pants on] Stupid, mindless chatter is what it is. You know what I'm gonna do? [puts his shirt on] I'm just gonna go back to my place and rent a dirty movie. [finishes buttoning his shirt] This is ridiculous. [walks out the door]
Girl 4: That was weird. Oh well. Hey, let's compare breasts. [The girls begin to take off their shirts]

Peter: This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

Dan Rather: [each "c" and "s" sounds like a whistle] Good evening. I'm Dan Rather, and tonight on CBS News, seven Saudi soldiers sodomized several of Saddam's southern settlement squatters... [steam blows out of him like a kettle, and a stagehand moves Dan to another seat in the studio] I'm Dan Rather.

Stewie: [to a skanky prostitute] So, tell me, is there any tread left on the tires at all? Or at this point would it be like throwing hot dog down a hallway?

Children's chorus: [counting the prostitutes] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
Peter: Seven. Seven prostitutes.
Cleveland: This is a shakedown!
Agent Jessup: Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work.
Cleveland: Yeah! Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out!

Judge: In fact, If I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.
Peter: Does that mean I get my kids back?
Judge: Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs the gavel]
Peter: Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
Judge: Aw, I already banged the hammer.

Brian the Bachelor

[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]
Stewie: Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.

Cleveland: Peter, I can't do this! I'm too nervous. I got to go. [tries to get up, but Peter blocks him]
Peter: No, no, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. [takes off Cleveland's belt] I'll tie you down, if I have to. [sits on Cleveland and ties his belt to Cleveland's left arm, then he takes his own belt off and ties it to Cleveland's right arm]
Cleveland: [struggling] Peter, this is only making it worse! Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in.
Peter: It's all right, it's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's-let's get your clothes off. [takes off Cleveland's clothes]
Cleveland: Peter? Peter, what's wrong with you? I'm naked!
Peter: Oh, god, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here, you know what? [takes his own clothes off] Look, look, Cleveland, look. See, see? Now you're not alone. You're not alone, Cleveland.
Cleveland: Let me out of here! I need to get out of here. [gets his own belt off the left side of the chair. Peter continues to hold him down]
Peter: Cleveland, no, no, you're staying. This-this is for your own good. This is for your own good! [both producers walk into the waiting room]
Female producer: Oh my God! [long pause]
Peter: Hi, we're here for the interview. [both producers walk back into the producer's room]

Stewie: [voice pitch increases with every sentence] How you, uh, how you coming on that working on, huh? Got a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a, got a nice little, nice little story you're working on there...your big novel you’ve been working on for three years. Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist, huh? Got an obstacle for him to overcome, huh? Little story brewing there...working on...working on that for quite some time, huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago, huh? Been working on that the whole time? Nice little, uh, narrative- beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? Yeah? At the end your, uh, main character is, uh, richer for the experience? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? You got a- [voice returns to normal] No, no, you deserve some time off.

Chris: You were right, Doug. Mischief is fun. We're the best pals since The Snorks!
[Cutaway to Allstar and Casey from "The Snorks" having dinner together]
Allstar Seaworthy: Oh, I'm having a really great time.
Casey Kelp: Me too! I really value our friendship. You're not like those other Snorks, who only want one thing. [spills her drink] Oh. That was clumsy! Hang on a second. [she bends down to clean the spill. Allstar stares at her visible underwear, and his snorkel slowly becomes erect until it stands on end]

Brian: I-I was, uh... I was very pleased and surprised. I-I really was not expecting an open bar. Top-shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew his stuff. Made me a Mojito. [he sips his drink] I don't think it's a gay drink. Mo-ji-to.

Lois: Chris! [Chris falls out through the window into his room] Where have you been?
Chris: Doug told me I don't need to listen to you!
Lois: Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it! First thing tomorrow, we're going down to Goldman's Pharmacy and get some astringent to get rid of that thing. [walks out of Chris' room]
Doug the pimple: What did I tell you? She's trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen! [Evil Monkey opens the closet door and points at Chris]
Chris: I AM IN NO MOOD! [the Evil Monkey closes the closet door sadly]

Chris: No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt!
Lois: Chris, we have company!
Peter: So, you , ever been with a woman?
Brooke Roberts:
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? [Chris runs up to Brooke and lifts her shirt. She screams]
Chris: THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY, DOUG? [cries]
Lois: Christopher Cross Griffin, what are you doing?! [Joe comes in] Joe? What are you doing here?
Joe: Peter, Lois, we have proof that it was Chris who vandalized Goldman's pharmacy.
Lois: I knew it! I knew it! I didn't wanna believe it, but it's true! [cries hysterically] Oh, God, what happened to my baby?!
Peter: [takes his belt off and smacks it on the table] Who sold you the drugs?! I can't believe this...! [they all start running around the table screaming and crying, while Brian and Brook look at each other in embarrassment]

Mrs. Quagmire: Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl!
Mrs. Quagmire: That's old food! [Mittens meows]
Quagmire: Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!
Mrs. Quagmire: Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
Quagmire: Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!

Stewie Griffin: Oh, I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side- you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. [the pitch of his voice becomes increasingly higher with every sentence] You know, the, novel you've been working on? You know, th-the one, uh, you've been working on for three years? You know, the novel? Got something new to write about now, y'know. Maybe, uh, maybe your main character gets into a relationship, then suffers a little heartbreak; something like what you've just been through? Draw from a real-life experience? Little, uh, little heartbreak, y'know, work it into the story? Make those characters a little more three-dimensional? A little, uh, richer experience for the reader? [voice is extremely high] Make those second hundred pages keep the reader guessing what's going to happen? Some twists and turns? Little epilogue? Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one? [the pitch of his voice returns to normal] Ah, I look forward to reading it.

8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Stewie: You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, um, you know, that's something to think ab- [burps] Oop, just burped.

Meg: God, I don't think I could've been any clearer the last time I turned him down.
[Cutaway to the set of Everybody Loves Raymond]
Debra: Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizzola- again.
Meg: [walks on the set] Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island: LEAVE ME ALONE! I hate you! I HATE YOU!! [leaves]
Debra: Anyway, your mother insulted-
Ray: I don't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons I just don't care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch. [Debra Smashes a bottle and threatens him with it while he backs away]

Peter: Ah, jeez, that's more of a ripoff than that Breakfast Machine I bought.
[Cutaway to Peter setting up the Breakfast Machine. At the end of its cycle, it shoots him in the arm with a gun]
Peter: AHH! Ow! Oh, what was the point of all that?! Ah! All it does is shoot ya, it doesn't make breakfast at all! Ahh!

Stewie: [from upstairs] Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it! [walks downstairs spying on Meg] Hey. Hey! What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there?
Meg: [angrily] Oh my God, Stewie, just shut up and go to bed!
Stewie: Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.
[Lois and Peter come in the front door]
Meg: Finally! Look, Mom, I've had it. I am not baby-sitting anymore. It's Saturday night, I could be out, HAVING A LIFE.
Lois: Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine. But don't you stand there and lie to me. [about Meg having a life]
Peter: [laughs briefly] Oh, Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass!

Peter: All right, you guys, I got eight crates of Ipecac from Mort. All on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [they each drink a whole bottle of the stuff] Okay, here we go. [pause] How's everybody doing?
Brian: Good. Good so far.
Peter: Alright, alright.
Stewie: Nothing yet.
Peter: Cool, cool. You know, I-I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already, but that is, uh...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the, uh, bake sale that Lois had- [blaaaah]
Stewie: Ooh, one down. I know somebody who won't be having any- [blaaaaah]
Chris: I'm starting to feel funny...
Brian: Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna- [bllllaaaaah]
Chris: Oh, boy! That means I win! I get to eat- [bbbuuuaaaaa]
Stewie: [vomits again] Oh! Oh God! Why didn't anybody tell me- [bbbuuuaaahhh]
Peter: OH MY GOD, MY INSIDES ARE ON F- [bbbuuuaaaahhh]
Stewie: No! No, please! No more! No More! N- [bbbuuuaaaah]
Chris: Dad...I'm scared! [vomits]
Brian: Get the phone! Call 91- [bbbllaaaah]
Peter: LOIS! LOIS, LOIS, GET IN HERE- [bbuuaaahh]
Brian: Ugh. Okay, okay...I think it's all gone...I think it- [bbbuuuaaaah]
Stewie: [sobbing] I don't wanna, I don't wanna- [bbbuuuaaaah]
Brian: Peter! Peter, I need you to hold my ears- [bbuuuaaah]
Peter: [grabs Brian's ears; they both vomit some more]
[Lois walks in with a pot in her hands]
Lois: Who wants chowder? [everyone else vomits at the same time]

Meg: [to Peter] Are you out of your mind?! You can't sell me you fat son of a bitch!!!

Lois: [reading an apology card from Peter] "I'm sorry I sold our daughter." Oh Peter.
Peter: You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find one of those in English.

Stewie [in front of the mirror with a baby powder bottle in his diaper]: Oh, hey, Liddane. Hey, what's goin' on? How are you? Yeah. Oh, it's just me, Stewie, just, uh, bein' myself. Uh... yeah. Oh-oh, well, this here? Oh, it's just my package. Yeah, just-just, uh... just, uh, my package. God delivered it, I signed for keeps on spinnin'.

Stewie: [to Jeremy] Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sack tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley, smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

Stewie: Oh, Liddane, I thought we could watch a DVD together. I picked up the first season of Jiminy Glick. Oh... Imagine being that guy for a day.
[Cutaway to Stewie as Jiminy Glick]
Stewie: Colin Farrell, so I was talking to my wife Dixie the other day and she was saying that you weren't a very good actorrr, and I agreed with heeeerr... now, now why, now why, Colin, why would we both say that?

Stewie: [hitting Jeremy with a pipe] I say, I think this is how you change a tire, but what do I know, I'm just a BABY!
[scene cuts to a car, where Stewie has Jeremy, tied up and gagged, thrown into the trunk]
Stewie: Here's your iPod, so you can listen to the Streaks while you gasp for air!
Jeremy: [says something muffled]
Stewie: Oh, The Strokes, right.

Stewie: [to Meg] Yep. [sigh] I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love and we shoul- [to self] OH MY GOD, Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh God, how long has it been? Uhh, l-let's see, t-two weeks. Yup. Yup, he's dead. Definitely dead.

Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges, Stewie. Here, hold this bag for Mommy.
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting, Lois, leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I just might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson! [attempts to put bag on his head, but fails because it's too large] Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I'm going to do it...I'm going to do it... [quits] Blast! Good lord, woman, either I was a C-section, or you're Wonder Woman.

[Lois pulls a ham out of her shopping bag]
Brian: Hey, is that ham? I thought you put that back.
Lois: Oh, um, no, I put the other ham back.
Brian: I don't remember another ham.
Lois: Heh. Well, you were too busy eyeballing that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover.
Brian: Hey! She is a handsome woman.
Stewie: Well, well, look who's carrying a little flame for Glenn Close. What a surprise. Although, it's not the first time you've suprised me.
Brian: [wearing Lois' clothes and makeup] "Ooh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner; I'm so busy. Better hurry!"
Stewie: [comes in suddenly] Lois! I want my graham cracker...oh.
Brian: ...Hey.
Stewie: playin' a little dress-up?
Brian: ...Yeah...
Stewie: Yeah,'s fun to pretend. Um, so listen, if you see Lois, tell her-
Brian: Graham cracker.
Stewie: Graham cracker, yes, yes, that's...that's it. Um, alright, so, uh, I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

Brian: Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.
[Cutaway to Peter in a hospital with about four kids in beds]
Peter: Hi there, how 'yall doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh,, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning. Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?
Kid: Dying hurts!
Peter: Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flying?

Brian: You know, you really should talk to a therapist about this. I mean, it really helped our Peter when he became obsessed with that fantasy world of his.
[Cutaway to Peter in a room eating an apple while under a blanket, reading a book. The screen then cuts to outside where he is riding on Falcor, the Luckdragon from The Neverending Story]
Peter: YEAH!
Falcor: You're a little too heavy, buddy!
Peter: YEAH!
Falcor: We're going down!
Peter: YEAH! [the dragon falls to the ground with Peter buried with him, but Peter's fist is sticking up] Yeah.

Stewie: [wearing an over-filled diaper] Peter! Peter! There's...there's so much doody in here! I-I can-I can't take it anymore! I haven't eaten in four days 'cause I...'cause-'cause I...I just can't fit anymore in there. Help me! [collapses]

Joe: [beats up Lois, and stops momentarily] Sorry, Lois. Regulations. I can't give you special treatment.
Lois: It's okay Joe, I understand.

Peter: Quagmire what are you doing here?
Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH! Giggity giggity giggity goooo!
TV announcer: Who else but Quagmire?!
Voices: [singing]
He's Quagmire, Quagmire,
You never really know what he's gonna do next
He's Quagmire, Quagmire!
Quagmire: [singing] Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity, let's have sex!
[Cut to a fancy dinner party]
Noble: I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party. [Quagmire, in the corner, rips off his clothes, jumps on the table, and starts dancing about]
Quagmire: Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy goo!
TV announcer: Who else but Quagmire?!
Voices: He's Quagmire, Quagmire,
Quagmire: [singing] Giggity-giggity-goo!

Peter: [visiting Lois in prison] And the other night I had to do, uh...well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night.
[Cutaway to Peter naked. He tries to bend towards his penis; he stumbles, rams his head against the wall of his and Lois' bedroom, and scuttles around, breaks the handrail and falls down the stairs and lands on the family room floor face-down. Brian looks away from his paper to see what happened, then keeps reading it]

Lois: [in prison, to Peter] I-I guess I was stealing, because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire: [popping up in the background] Oh, God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire: [dancing and clapping] Oh, GOD!!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Quagmire: [spazzing out] OH, GOOOOOOD!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just going to have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual. [walks away]

Peter: Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together.
Meg: I wonder where we're going.
Peter: [slaps Meg] Calm down!

Peter: [to random people in Asiantown, three times] Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan: Hi there, always nice to meet a fan of my movies. Oh my God, you're Ethan Hawke!
Peter: Uh, no I'm not.
Jackie Chan: Sorry, my mistake. [to Chris] Oh my God, it's Ethan Hawke!
Meg: Mom, can we go get some food?
Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh my God, there's Malcolm in Middle!
Meg: I'm not a boy!
Jackie Chan: Yes, you are!

Peter: Come on, kids, we've been through worse. Meg, y-you remember when you found out your gynecologist never finished med school?
Doctor: Alright, Meg, let's take a look at that bergina.

Asian Man: So, what exactly would you say qualifies you to be a sumo wrestler?
Peter: Oh, are you kidding? I'm a born athlete. Just like Greg Louganis.
[Cutaway to Peter sitting in a chair]
Peter: [to the audience] Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? Are they gonna make a diving-board-head-injury joke? Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? Or, are they gonna make a joke about the fact that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke. Brian? [camera pans to show a hairless Brian in a Speedo]
Brian: Hi, I'm Greg Louganis. I'm totally shaven.
Peter: Terrific. Terrific.

Mayor Adam West: [on the phone] Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Mayor Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"...or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again! [hangs up] I guess I told him...nobody messes with Adam We.

[The Asian Trix Commercial]
Kid: Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!
Asian Trix Rabbit: You share! [kicks 2 of them, then snaps the third one's neck. He takes the cereal and runs off]

[Joe is hanging from a ledge and Lois is trying to pull him back up]
Lois: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
Joe: Pretend I'm your child! [Lois starts to loosen her grip]

Model Misbehavior

Brian: You-you cannot tell them about this, please. Peter's not very discreet with private matters.
[Cutaway to an overhead shot of Spooner Street]
Peter: Hey everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yay!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I am exhausted!

[In Lois's old room at her parents' house]
Meg: Wow! This looks just like my room at home.
Lois: Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends...
Stewie: Hm, that's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen.
[Cutaway to Stewie presenting a Grammy award]
Stewie: And the Grammy for Album of the Year goes to... Justin Timberlake. [Justin walks up, waving to the cheering audience. Stewie hits him with the Grammy, knocking him out] Ha! It actually goes to Nelly...Nelly.

Peter: So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?
Peter: No. No. I just-I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on-on-on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].

[Lois walks in holding a newspaper]
Lois: Hey everybody. Wait til you see this.
Peter: Oh my God! Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What have you got there, my lord?
Peter: Nothing! Back to your turnips!

Lois: I'm gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey, that's fantastic Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh, oh God, Meg, that's sick! That's your mother!
Meg: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out! Get out of this house! [punches a hole in the wall] I said NOW!

Peter: Oh man, I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model. I'm luckier than the state of Rhode Island!
[Cutaway to the Founding Fathers]
Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.
Founding Father 1: All right, heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cacapoopoopeepeeshire.

Quagmire: [about Karin Parotta's stoma] So, uh, heh, what's, uh, what's goin' on? You ever get freaky with that thing or what?

Stewie: [on the intercom] Uh, Brian, could you come in here for one second? [Brian sighs, then enters Stewie's "office"]
Brian: Yeah, what is it?
Stewie: [Sesame Street phone rings] Oh, uh, h-hang on, hang on one second. Yes, uh, Grover, what is it, this has to be quick, I am so pressed. Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful. Of course, and the number 6. O-okay, okay, Gr, Gro-Grover, Grover, GROVER, GROVER, GROVER! You, you know what? If-if you're gonna shout, we can just talk later. Oh-oh-oka-all right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.
Brian: Uh, you wanted something?
Stewie: Oh yes, can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket? Thank you. [Brian starts to leave] Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I am not talking to him until he gets out of rehab.
[Cutaway to Cookie Monster at a rehab center. He is on the bed reading, and two guards and a doctor come in]
Doctor: Contraband check. [they search his bed and pull out a plate of cookies] What are these?
Cookie Monster: I don't know.
Doctor: What do you mean you don't know?
Cookie Monster: I-I-I-I don't know how they got there.
Doctor: Well, I think you do know!
Cookie Monster: No, no, uh-uh, uh, Der- uh, Derrick was in here earlier, he was, uh, making the beds. He probably put them, uh, I-I was in the John. [he then eats the cookies from the plate, and the guards hold him on the bed. Cookie Monster begins kicking and screaming] Aah! Aah! Aah! You guys are Nazis, man! You're freakin' Nazis! Aaahhh! [the doctor gives him an injection, and Cookie Monster falls asleep]
Guard: SHH, SHH, SHH, shh, shh, shh shh, shh, shhhhhhhhhh...

[Stewie walks towards Brian's cubicle in the office]
Stewie: Oh, Brian, there you are. Uh, can I talk to you about something?
Brian: Uh, yeah, what is it?
Stewie: That coffee mug you have on your desk that says "Life's a Beach"'s dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it?
Brian: Uh, yeah, that's the joke.
Stewie: Oh, absolutely, and-and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, uh, y'know between you and me I think it's a stitch. But some of the other employees have found it offensive.
Brian: Other employees? Who else works here besides me?
Stewie: [pointing in Brian's face] FUCK YOU, that's who works here!!

[Lois is cooking, wearing a revealing tank top and low-rise jeans]
Lois: Dinner's almost ready, kids!
Peter: Wow, Lois, look at you! You're like Britney Spears! ...except you're not a fat guy. [doorbell rings]
Lois: I'll get it!
Meg: Dad. How could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half naked! It makes all women look bad.
Peter: Meg...who let you back in the house?

Lois: [entering the house] Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning, and let's just say you're cleared for landing, huh?!
Quagmire: [offscreen] Giggity!

Stewie: Now then, I'm going to do something I call the "compliment sandwich", where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good.
Brian: Whatever you gotta do.
Stewie: Okay, um...oh, let's see, something good, something good, something good... [flips through notebook] You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile. Where you need have smelly dog farts. [filps through notebook again] Something good, something good...oh, uh, you really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week.
[Cutaway to Brian showing a pie chart to the rep, who is really Stewie in a top hat and mustache]
Stewie: That was sensational! You really made me feel confident about those numbers. Listen, if you're ever looking for a change of scenery, we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.

Peter: She's acting crazier than I did that time I tried ecstasy!
(Cutaway to Peter sitting on the sofa, with Brian and Stewie on either side)
Peter [stroking Brian] : Oh Brian, your fur is so soft! And your ears! Oh your ears are like dog ears! (he stretches) Oh this couch! (turns to Stewie and starts stroking his head) Oh Stewie! Your head is so smooth! How is that you doin' that? How you doin' that? Everything here is fantastic! [he rolls off the sofa] Oh these clothes! [starts writhing around on the floor in his pants] hehehehehehehehehehehehe

Peter's Got Woods

Stewie: [reading The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger suprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
[Cutaway to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
Peter: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!
Stewie: Yes, I see you, fat man.
Peter: [gasps] Where's daddy? [covers eyes]
Stewie: What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see...well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
Peter: [removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
Stewie: Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

Peter: [trying to persuade Brian to go to a PTA meeting in his place] Oh come on buddy you owe me, you remember what I did for you last week?
[Cutaway to the back garden. Brian is sitting by a tree, music begins to play]
Brian: [singing] Sighing softly to the river comes the loving breeze. Setting nature all aquiver, rustling through the trees...
[Peter tap dances out from behind the tree]
Peter: Through the trees!

Pelican (Barney Rubble's toilet): You think you have a crap job... [comical music from The Flintstones plays]

Peter: I don't need Brian to watch TV with. I got you, Meg. [sees a dog on the TV barking] Hey, hey, what's that? What's that? Is that a dog? Is that another dog on the TV, huh? [points to the dog] You see that? Go get it! Go get it! [taps the TV] What's that? What's that? Who's that? Who's that? Oh! Who's that? Who's there? Is there somebody at the door? Somebody at the door, huh? Somebody at the door? Ah? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you...
Meg: I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!!

Lois: [reading newspaper] Oh, this is wonderful! Look at this, Peter! [gesturing to renaming of James Woods High]
Peter: [reading off headline] 200 die in train derailment. Oh, God, Lois, that is morbidly obese.

Meg: Will you guys stop fighting, please?!
Chris: What's wrong with Meg?
Lois: Oh, nothing, it's just her time of the month.
Sheep: Not again! [comical music from The Flintstones plays]

Brian: Oh, believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time. That's why he got fired from that airline.
[Cutaway to Peter and another pilot flying a plane]
Stewardess: Coffee for you, Captain Griffin?
Peter: Thank you, Stewardess. Um, hey... where are we right now?
Stewardess: Uh, on an airplane?
Peter: Noooo... this room - what is this room called?
Stewardess: The flight deck?
Peter: [snickers] Nooooooo...
Stewardess: Control room?
Peter: [snickers] Noooooooooo...
Stewardess: [sighs] Cockpit?
Peter: [bursts out laughing] Oh, God, I told you I'd get her to say it! [laughs] Oh, God. Alright, go on, get out of here.

James Woods: Man, what a great lunch, Lois. Thank you so much for having me over.
Lois: Well, it's not often we get to meet celebrities.
Peter: Yeah, except when I was Christina Aguilera's manager.
[Cutaway to Christina Agulera singing scales and making random movements. Peter walks in wearing a gray cap and coat]
Peter: Okay, l-l-let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, alright? Y-y-you're doing this thing, [refers to the movements she was making] which is just, you know... w-what the hell is that? I mean, a-and if you look like if I touched you, you'd be sticky, and frankly, you smell bad. You're pretty much offensive to all five senses.
Christina Aguilera: That's only four.
Peter: Well, a-actually, you know when you smell something and it gets stuck in there, and you can sort of taste it? Yeah. Well, I'm-I'm tasting you right now, and it tastes awful. Truly disgusting, like salty garbage.
Christina Aguilera: [licks her left under-arm] Yeah, I totally taste it!

Peter: Well, t-then why'd you pick Martin Luther King, huh? Why not, uh, Ronald Reagan? He was always fun, especially in his later years.
[Cutaway to Ronald Reagan standing outside a McDonald's]
Ronald Reagan: [talking to the brick wall] Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! Tear it down! Reagan Smash! [Reagan starts punching the wall] Reagan Smash!
Employee 1: What's that?
Employee 2: Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone, he'll tire himself out.
Ronald Reagan: [on the ground in the fetal position] Reagan sleepy.

Brian: Well, that may seem a little harsh. I'm not gonna avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.
[Cutaway to drunk chick at a party and music playing]
Drunk chick: I just smoked on the wrong side of a cigarette! Who wants to go swimming? Oh, this song is about me! [passes out on the stereo]

Brian: You know what? I will have some of that. [he reaches into Adam West's bag and pulls out some corn on butter] What the - what the hell is this?
Mayor Adam West: Creamed corn. I brought it from home because I don't like the creamed corn they have here. It's too crunchy.

Stewie: You really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls at the Miss USA Pageant?
[Cutaway to Peter sitting in the front row if the Miss USA Pageant]
Peter: [as a woman walks down the runway] Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You wanna go out sometime? [woman walks away] Maybe you got a Saturday night free-uh, uh, you know what, to Hell with you then. Yeah, go to Hell, go to Hell. [another walks out] Hey, I'm Peter. What do you say we go get a couple beers, huh? Maybe we could-oh, fine. You know what, you got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I-I don't care, I don't care, I don't need you. [to yet another] Hey, how are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it, you know? Maybe the two of us could-yeah, you know what, I don't care. You're a bitch.

Brian: So, uh, where's your good buddy, James Woods?
Peter: Eh, turns out he wasn't very good at catching stuff with his mouth. Where's your girlfriend?
Brian: Uh, same problem.
Both: [pointing at each other] WHOA!

James Woods: And where does James Woods fit into the fun?
Peter: Look, James, you're acting kinda weird-
James Woods: I'LL ACT HOWEVER I WANNA ACT, YOU SON OF A BITCH! [calmly] I'm sorry, Peter. I didn't mean that.

Spanish woman: Donde demonios estabas? Es mas de la una y media de la mañana. [subtitle] "Where the hell have you been? It's one thirty in the morning."
Spanish Quagmire: Eso no significa que no giggity pueda vivir, maldita sea giggity. [subtitle] "Don't take that tone with me. I was out drinking with the guys."
Spanish woman: A veces me pones furiosa. [subtitle] "You make me absolutely furious sometimes."
Spanish Quagmire: No puedo hablar contigo giggity cuando te pones asi. Me voy a ver los toros. Giggity, giggity, giggity. [subtitle] "Ah, I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'm going to watch the bullfight. [Giggity, giggity, giggity.]"

James Woods [repeated line]: Ooh, a piece of candy!

[after Peter and Brian capture James Woods in the wooden crate, they hold on to the box]
Peter: Man, I hope that's James Woods, 'cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.

Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait-wait-wait-wait... You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school?
Brian: Well, yes, for Martin Luther King.
Peter: That's crazy! You're gonna name the school after the star of Space: 1999?
Brian: No, that's Martin Landau.
Peter: Oh.... The guy who played Sheneneh?
Brian: That's Martin Lawrence.
Peter: The drunk crooner?
Brian: That's Dean Martin.
Peter: The drink that's best served on the rocks?
Brian: That's Martini & Rossi.
Peter: The guy on The West Wing?
Brian: Martin Sheen.
Peter: The guy from Platoon?
Brian: Charlie Sheen.
Peter: No, no, the other guy from Platoon.
Brian: Uh... uh, uh...
Peter: Come on...
Brian: Uh, uh, Wi-Willem Dafoe!
Peter: [produces a card and begins reading from it] No, it was Tom Berenger. We were looking for Tom Berenger. Well, thanks for playing, Brian, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.
Brian: No, that's okay, I had a lot of fun, I'm-I'm a big fan of the show- [begins to walk away, then runs back] WAIT A MINUTE!

The Perfect Castaway

Peter: Hey, hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh, I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on. [Peter, Joe, and Quagmire drink]
Joe: I'll go next. Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife. [Cleveland and Quagmire drink]
Peter: Uh, all right, let's see, uh... I never did a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom. [Quagmire drinks. Time passes, and Quagmire has had many drinks and is nearly passed out]
Peter: God, let's see, what else is there? Um, I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Quagmire: Oh, God! [drinks]
Joe: I, uh... I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touched myself.
Quagmire: Oh, come on! [drinks again]
Peter: Uh, I never did the same thing, but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh, God, this is ridiculous! [drinks, and then passes out]
Peter: Oh, boy, he's out cold. Hey, let's write on him! [brandishes a Magic Marker. Peter, Cleveland, and Joe giggle]

Tom Tucker: In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane RuPaul, which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the Black-u-Weather report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: [on the coast] ISS RAININ' SIDEWAYS!
Tom Tucker: Sounds rough, Ollie. Do you have an umbrella?
Ollie Williams: HAD ONE!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Tom Tucker: Is there anything we can do for you?
Ollie Williams: BRING ME SOME SOUP!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: CHUNKY!
Tom Tucker: Alright, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews? After this.

Peter: Not only will I be able to put food on the table and pay all the bills, I'll also be able to finance my Christmas Album.
[Cutaway to Peter's Christmas Album commercial]
Announcer: Sessions present: A Peter Griffin Christmas. Featuring such standards as:
Peter: [starts by singing incoherently, to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"] ...everybody, look at the snow in the yard.
Announcer: And who could forget...
Peter: [to the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy"] I brought these gifts for you, they're up in my bum...
Announcer: And everyone's favorite:
Peter: [to the tune of "Carol of the Bells"] La la la la, la la la la, look at the bells, look at the bells, HOLY CRAP, here comes Jesus, and he doesn't look too happy! Merry Christmas, everyone.

Quagmire: [sees Peter eating something] Hey, what's that?
Peter: Uh, what?
Cleveland: You're eating something.
Joe: You bastard! You have food?
Peter: I don't know what you're talking about.
Joe: Gimmie that! [finds that his legs have been eaten by Peter] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!
Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!
Joe:'ve been eating my legs?!
Peter: Yeah, see, this is why I didn't say anything, I knew you were gonna get like this.
Peter: Look-look, I-Joe-

Mayor Adam West: We gather here to remember those brave Quahog men, who were lost at sea. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So let us take our vengeance on this murderous ocean! [gets a knife, runs to ocean and stabs the shore several times] You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

[Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are on a deserted island playing "What would you rather be?"]
Peter: Okay, alright, here's another one: Black or Crippled?

Peter: Alright, fellas, we've been out here for months, and we all know men have certain needs. And, being that there's no women around, we're gonna have to have an orgy.
[Cut to Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe stacked on each other, naked]
Peter: Uh...anybody horny?
Quagmire: No.
Cleveland: No.
Joe: No.
Peter: Yeah, me neither. Uh, and, uh, whoever's toe that is, uh, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but, uh, I think you can stop.
Joe: Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. [a cruise ship passes by as the passengers snap photos]
Captain: And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals. [in Spanish] A la izquierda del barco, podemos ver las "fanny bandits."

Peter: Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean.
[Cutaway to Peter in a car that looks like a time machine]
Peter: Alright, past, here I come! [drives the car into the wall of a building, destroying it and setting the building on fire. Lots of people come running out on fire, screaming] Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.

Stewie: Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake? [sees Lois and Peter having sex] AAAHHHH!! AAAHHHH!! AAAHHHH!! AAAHHHH!! AAAHHHH!! AAAHHHH!! AAAHHHH!! [repeats]
Mayor Adam West: So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well game on Quahog! [like Stewie] AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAH! AAAH AH! I'm beating you!

Lois: Okay, I'm going out.
Brian: Where are you going?
Lois: To my...uh...uh, garden club.
Brian: It's 10:30 at night. And you have a saddle.
Lois:'s [takes out a ball] What's this? What's this, Brian, huh? What's this, huh?
Brian: It's a ball.
Lois: Oh, is this your ball? You want it? Huh? You want this? Huh?
Brian: Yes, I would like-I would like it, please, yes.
Lois: Yeah, you want this? Huh? You want the ball?
Brian: Yes, I would like to have it very much.
Lois: You want it? Huh? You want the ball?
Brian: Yes-yes, I would enjoy having it, yes. Give it to me.
Lois: GO GET IT!! [pretends to throw the ball, and Brian runs after it. Brian comes back]
Brian: I-I'm sorry, Lois. I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it.
Lois: [throws the ball. Brian runs after it] GO GET THE BALL!! [Lois runs out the door, Brian comes back]
Stewie: I say, are you blind, or just stupid?
Brian: What do you mean?
Stewie: Perhaps you would like to see what Lois and the fat man have been up to in your absence. [puts a videotape in the TV. On the TV, we see Stewie]
Stewie: [on TV] Hello, MTV! Um...I think I would be perfect for The Real World, uh, because I speak my mind, and, um, not everyone likes that. Uh...but I'm not afraid to GO THERE. And, uh, I can be sexy! [dances a little, then shakes his rear end] Turn around. Look at my fanny. Look at my fanny. Look at my fanny...
Brian: Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you.
Stewie: SHUT UP!

(Playing Simon)

Stewie: Alright, Simon, do your worst. [Simon flashes a pattern] I find it's easy if I make it into a little song. (Singing) Red, Green, Blue, Green, Blue, Blue. Then you put in words. (Singing as he repeats the pattern) I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time.

Lois: And to think, Brian, I was like a day away from having sex with you. [Brian's eyes open in shock] I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian! [chuckles; Brian looks angry] But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? [pulls out a ball] You want your ball? You want your ball?
Brian: No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement. [walks away]
Peter: Doing what?
Brian: WHAT DO YOU THINK? [family erupts in laughter]
Stewie: Oh...okay, somebody's gonna have to explain that to me.

Jungle Love

Stewie: [about Peter and Lois] Ugh, them and their squabbling. Although I suppose they're not the first couple to have problems.
[Cutaway to the Stone Age, where a caveman named Gary comes home dragging a dead tiger. His wife, Karen, confronts him]
Karen: Did you have a nice day?
Gary: It was okay. [puts the tiger down]
Karen: You know, our son got into your closet today.
Gary: Uh, okay.
Karen: Yeah, anything...anything in there maybe that you wouldn't have wanted him to see?
Gary: No.
Karen: Really? You don't, have any dirty pictures in there?
Gary: No.
Karen: [sighs in disgust] Then how do you explain these? [she picks up a pile of stone tablets and drops them in front of Gary. On them we see 2 ordinary stick figures, supposedly in pornographic nature]
Gary: So what? So I have some paintings.
Karen: Is this how you want me to look?
Gary: Oh, come on, Karen. Do you hate your body so much you have to reduce every painting of the female form to pornography?
Karen: Oh no, don't do that Gary!
Gary: Don't do what?
Karen: Don't you do that!
Gary: I'm not doing anyhing!
Karen: Don't make this my fault!
Karen: [overlapping] You're the one who hasn't paid attention to me in two months! For God's sakes, it's like I'm living with my brother!
Gary: [overlapping] It is your fault! I just wanna come home and have dinner, and have my wife say, "Hello, how's your day?", taking interest, but, oh no, that's impossible for you!
Karen: You know what this is about?
Gary: What?
Karen: [overlapping] This about your disrespect for me, this family, and everything we stand for!
Gary: [overlapping] Oh, come on!
Gary: Oh. Oh, what we stand for-what do we stand for? Who are we, the Goracks now? [Karen groans] Oh, suddenly you're Cynthia Gorack? That's what you want, isn't it? You've always wanted to be Cynthia Gorack.
Karen: Yeah, well, you know what? At least Cynthia Gorack's husband cares about her family! [Gary groans] Oh, I can't even talk to you when you're like this! [she walks offscreen]
Gary: Oh, okay! It's over now because you say it is. Oh, way to go, Karen! You solve all our problems by just walkin' away! And it's so obvious I don't care about the family. I just killed a 700-pound tiger with a stick and a rock!
Karen: [comes back with a suitcase] That doesn't make you a man, Gary! [begins filling it]
Gary: Here we go! Here's act 2 of the performance. Karen pretends to leave home for the twentieth time. You know what? You know what, Karen? Go. I'm not gonna stop you, just go! Get out! Get the hell out!!
Karen: SCREW YOU, GARY! [leaves]
Gary: Oh, yeah? If you did that more often, MAYBE I WOULDN'T NEED THESE PAINTINGS!! [to another couple watching from their cave] OH, WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKIN' AT?!!!

Mayor Adam West: Oh, I got you, you freshman! I'm going to teach you the lesson that it is not okay to be a freshman!

Unemployer: Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
Peter: Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
[Cutaway to two doctors in a small window]
Doctor: Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]
Peter: I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- [turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were...

[the phone rings, Lois picks it up]
Lois: Hello?
Chris: Hi, Mom!
Lois: Chris, are you alright?
[Peter picks up a phone and joins conversation]
Peter: Aw, Chris, buddy, thank god you're okay!
Chris: Hi, Dad!
Peter: Hey, this has been driving me crazy. Who was the chick on Remington Steele?
[Stewie picks up]
Stewie: Hello?
Chris: Stephanie Zimbalist?
Stewie: No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this?
Peter: Ah, thank you.
Lois: Chris, what are you doing down there?
Chris: Relax, Mom, I'm having a great time.
Stewie: You people knocked me off the modem!
Lois: When are you coming home?
Peter: How's the food in South America?
Stewie: Do the women there have exposed clitterati?
Chris: I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman.
Lois: Well, please take care of yourself, honey.
[Meg joins conversation]
Meg: Hey, guys, is everyone on the phone?
Chris: Oh, I got to go. [hangs up]
Lois: Something's in the oven. [hangs up]
Peter: I lost a shoe. [hangs up]
Stewie: No no, don't leave me on the phone with her!
Meg: Stewie?
Stewie: Heeey. How's school?
Meg: Hi, Stewie.
Stewie: Listen, I am swamped, but, uh, Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing and I think it's just great. Hanging up now. [hangs up]

Peter: Boy, this place sure has changed since Pawtucket Pat sold it.
Brewery employee: So this is where you'll be working, Mr. Griffin. Oh, and I should mention, employees are welcome to free Pawtucket Ale. We just ask that you don't drink during your shift.
Peter: That won't be a problem, sir.
Brewery employee: Great. Well I'll be right back with your ID badge. [walks through a door, then walks out to see Peter naked holding a bottle of beer] Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants?
Peter: Oh, look who's here, Mr. "I don't have time for your little league games." Come here, you son of a bitch! [throws the bottle of beer which then breaks. He holds on to the employee's shoulders, crying] Why do you close your eyes when we make love?! [continues to cry]

Lois: Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]
Meg: Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
Peter: [drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and you sell pants?

Peter: Richest man in the country? Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor, King Arthur Griffin.
[Cutaway to medieval times]
Damsel: Oh Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone, and prove to me you truly are the sole King of Camelot, I will make love to you right here in the clearing.
King Arthur Griffin: What if I can just move it an inch, will you touch me?

Brian: This is amazing. You've got the biggest hut in the village and all these servants...and you've only spent $1.50.
Stewie: Well, that's a hell of a lot less than I had to spend to go see that piece-of-crap remake of Bewitched.
[Cutaway to the 2005 film Bewitched]
Nicole Kidman: Guess what? I'm a witch!
Will Ferrell: Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan.
[the entire crowd laughs except Stewie]
Stewie: Mmm-hmm...
[Stewie walks out of his seat and out of the movie theater. Outside, he holds his finger up for a taxi. One comes, and Stewie gets in it. It drops him off at the Quahog airport. He goes in, at the Ticketing line. Then, he takes his shoes off and goes through the scanning door. In the next scene, he is on a plane reading a magazine. It drops him off in Los Angeles; he comes out of "Gate 12A". He walks down an escalator to see a man holding a small sign that says "STEWIE" in red letters. Stewie gets in a limo, which drives him to the hardware store. He pays the cashier there and buys a ladder. Then, the limo drops Stewie off at Will Ferrell's house. He puts the ladder near the doorbell so he can walk up it and ring it. Will Ferrell comes out and opens the door]
Will Ferrell: Hello?
Stewie: [punches Will Ferrell] That's NOT funny! [walks off]

Stewie: [to camera] The native man is an impressive physical specimen. Look closely at his sinewy muscular form and unusual vitality. It is a thrill to watch him dig a ditch or lift a jug of water or participate in a hunt.
Brian: [filming] Cut, print, gay.

Chris: Dad, I have had ENOUGH of you taking advantage of these people! For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess!
Tribal woman: You can't spare one square?
Peter: I don't have to take that from you, I'm the richest guy in town! [walks out]
Chris: [following Peter] Dad, don't you see? This is a wonderful place, and you're just using it to escape from your problems at home!
Peter: What do you mean? Meg's right there.


Lois: You're going to Meg's play, and that's that.
Peter: [holding stapler gun up to Lois' face] Is that that now, Mrs. That's That?
Lois: If you're gonna shoot me, you might wanna tie your shoelaces first. [Peter looks down; Lois kicks the stapler gun out of his hands and pins him to the ground. She smushes his face into the carpet] Are you gonna go to Meg's play or not?
Peter: [in pain] YES!
Lois: You like eating red carpet, tough guy?!
Peter: [in pain] YES!
[Cut to Quagmire, who is standing outside]
Lois: [offscreen] Say you like eating red carpet!!
Peter: [offscreen] I LIKE EATING RED CARPET!!
Quagmire: [passes out and twitches] Giggity.

Peter: Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.
[Cutaway to Peter's birthday]
Peter: Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan.
Jake Ryan: Thanks for having me at your birthday party, Peter...make a wish.
Peter: It's already come true.
Jake Ryan: Here's your present. [they lean in to kiss, but Jake knocks down Peter and the cake and rips off his shirt. He then jumps down and proceeds to rape Peter]
Peter: No, Jake, not like this!

[The title card for The Dick Van Dyke Show]
Announcer: It's The [bleep] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].

Jackie Gleason: [as Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners] One of these days, Alice, one of these days... [man's voiceover] I'm going to help stimulate the economy by buying an American car!

Peter: [on the FCC's censorship] What the hell? They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot!

Peter: You're on TV, Mr. Tucker, can't you do something about this?
Tom Tucker: Well, Peter, I'm flattered you came to me for help. We'll have more after this. [walks away, then walks back] And we're back.

Peter: My own TV station? I haven't had my own business since I ran that mail-order operation.
[Cutaway to Peter running a store called Acme Supplies]
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, uh, I bought a giant life-sized slingshot from you, and it just slammed me into a mountain.
Peter: Sorry, no returns.
Wile E. Coyote: I've been a customer here for years.
Peter: I could maybe give you a store credit.
Wile E. Coyote: But I-really? Well I guess-
Mrs. Coyote: What's the hold up in here?
Wile E. Coyote: I'm taking care of it!

Lois: Peter, what are you doing? What is all this stuff?
Chris: Dad's starting his own TV station, but I'm not supposed to tell Mom because she's just gonna bitch him out.

Peter: And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
[Cutaway to the outside of a house]
Mary Ellen: Good night, Jim Bob.
Jim Bob: Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa!
Pa: Good night, Jim Bob. Good night, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma.
Ma: Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John Boy. [silence] Good night, John Boy! [silence. The sound of a door opening is heard, and a light turns on in the house] John Boy?
John Boy: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

[The title card for "Cheeky Bastard" appears, with Brian and Stewie]
Stewie: [voiceover] "Cheeky Bastard" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
[Cut to a scene in the living room, where Stewie is laying on the couch. Brian rushes in, wearing an apron and oven mitts]
Brian: Oh my God! Where's my roast pheasant?
Stewie: Hmm. By now, I think it's in my lower intestine. [canned laughter comprised of Stewie laughing]
Brian: You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner!
Stewie: Well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. [the same canned laughter is heard again]
Brian: You cheeky bastard! [canned laughter comprised of Stewie laughing and clapping]

Quagmire: Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight, we're going to enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book, and then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo. Stick around.

Peter: Lois, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programing.
[Douchebags; Peter and Cleveland are on a highway overpass]
Chris: [holding the camera] All right, Dad, you're on.
Peter: Hey, PTV fans, welcome to Douchebags. We're out here on the I-95 overpass doing our first segment: "I Dare You To Crap Off Of That". Basically, we'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off.
Cleveland: I dared him.
Peter: All right, here we go. [drops his pants and sits over the rail. Lois and Stewie are driving by]
Stewie: [seeing Peter and Cleveland] I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there?
[Lois and Stewie scream as they drive over; the screen goes back to Peter as the splat is heard. We hear the car crash]
Peter: Uh-oh.
[at home]
Peter: Now, Lois, before you start yelling, let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap.
Lois: It was inexcusable, Peter! And Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie: [in the corner; traumatized and shaking] Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work, they're just making it worse.
[***: Only on the DVD. The televised version uses the "Side-Boob Hour" clip in place of it]

FCC Suit: Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But, I'm here to tell you that, as of today, PTV is officially shut down.
Peter: Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first! [he straps on a rocket pack, and begins to blast off. However, he blasts into the wall repeatedly, until the rocket stops] Alright, you caught me. [a picture of Meg falls down on him.]
[the FCC is confiscating the material for the PTV station]
FCC Suit: We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic, and it must be contained.
Peter: Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are! [walks in, and slams door]
FCC Suit: Or can we?
[in the bathroom the next morning, Peter is in the shower. He steps out and screams. The FCC is covering his privates with a black bar]
Peter: Ahh! What are you doing?
FCC Suit 1: Censoring real life.
FCC Suit 2: His chin looks like balls, you want me to cover that too?

Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of [HONK]! What?! Now I can't say [HONK] in my own [HONK] house?! [HONK] great, Lois. Just [HONK] great. You know, you're lucky you're good at [HONK] my [HONK] or I'd never put up with ya. You know what I'm talking about, when you [HONK] a lubed-up [HONK] toothpaste in my [HONK] while you [HONK] on a cherry [HONK] Episcopalian [HONK] extension cord [HONK] wetness [HONK] with a parking ticket. That is the best!

Lois: Oh, Come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh?
Peter: Oh, all right. [he gets on top of her]
FCC Suit: [HONK] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.
Lois: [surprised] What? Wait a minute, we're not allowed to have sex?
FCC Suit: Oh, you can have sex, just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever. [Lois shifts her eyes around; Peter looks like he's in the moment]
Lois: Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed t-
Peter: I'm done. 'Night, Lois. [falls asleep on top of her and starts snoring]

Lois: Peter, we have to talk. Look, I though this FCC thing was a good idea at first, but i-it's just gone way to far!
Peter: What, uh, what're you saying, Lois?
Lois: [hesitantly] Well... I don't want to admit it, but I-I think you were right.
Peter: [stands up excitedly] I don't believe it! Finally I can do this! [Peter pulls a rope on the ceiling, releasing several balloons, confetti, streamers and a banner that reads "PETER'S RIGHT!" Lois looks around speechlessly] I set that thing up fifteen years ago. Hey, where's the clown?
Lois: We gotta do something about this! [firmly] Pack your bag, Peter. We're going to Washington! [a skeleton with a red rubber nose, a rainbow afro and big shoes falls from the ceiling; Lois looks down on it in disgust.]
Peter: Oh, there he is.

Chris: Are we there yet?
Lois: No, Chris, honey, we're not.
Chris: Are we there yet?
Lois: No, Chris.
Chris: Are we there yet?
Lois: Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!
Chris: LIAR!

Brian: East of Eden? So, you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to, huh?
Stewie: You know, this book's been around for fifty years. It's a classic.
Brian: But you just got it last week. And there's a giant Oprah sticker on the front.
Stewie: Oh, oh, is that what that is? Oh, let me just peel that right off.
Brian: So, uh, what are you going to read after that?
Stewie: Well, she hasn't told us yet - Damn!

Brian Goes Back To College

[Peter and friends are entering an 1980s TV convention dressed as the A-Team]
Peter: [dressed as Hannibal] A-Team role call. Face?
Quagmire: Here and handsome.
Peter: Murdock?
Joe: Here, and crazy!
Peter: B.A.?
Cleveland: [tough voice] I pity the fool. [normal voice] But also suggest many ways that he may better himself.
Peter: Man, this is gonna be a fun day. [slightly annoyed] Much better than that day I tried TAG Bodyspray for Sick Cats.
[Cutaway to Peter in the store spraying some TAG on himself. Soon, 12 sickly cats come up to him yowling loudly]
Peter: Oh. Oh, oh God. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, no. Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Eww. Eww. Eww. Oh, no, no, no. Oh. Oh, no, no, no, you're cute, you're cute; I-I don't wanna pet you though. Ah, ah... ah, all right. [picks up one by its back; it starts heaving repeatedly] Ah. Oh, oh, oh, what are you gonna do? Oh, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? [the cat vomits] Ah! Oh, no. Okay. No, yeah, no, this-this spray is not for me.

Stewie: I read your article too, Brian. Seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time [voice suddenly becomes high] working on that novel you've been working on. [really high] Do you know what I me- [Brian hits Stewie with a book]

Brian: They want me to contribute to The New Yorker.
Stewie: The New Yorker? Oh, you'll fit in there as well as I did at Woodstock.
[Cutaway to Stewie at Woodstock]
Stewie: Uh, excuse me, it's been brought to my attention that a few bad apples out there are smoking marijuana. Uh, I've got news for you, my friend. Marijuana's illegal. Not cool. [audience starts booing him] Alright then. [begins singing to the tune of America the Beautiful] Establishment, establishment, you always know what's best...
Man in audience: You suck!
Stewie: Learn the rules!

Brian: [in the bathroom at The New Yorker] Um, where are the toilets?
Editor: Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.

Stewie: He already has a roommate: me! We're a couple of crazy college kooks. For example, we're about to make a hilarious answering machine message. [starts recording message] Uh, you've reached Stewie and Brian. We're not here right now. Uh, and if this is Mom, uh, send money, because we're college sudents and we need money for books, and highlighters, and Ramen Noodles, and condoms for sexual relations with our classmates.
[Goth student slowly backs out of the room]

Stewie: [after his frisbee hits his painting] Oh no, did that hit "Crazy Stairs"?

Stewie: You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here, I totally reek man, check this out. [Brian smells his underarm]
Brian: Ah! Come on!
Stewie: Tell me that's not epic!

[about Roger Williams Park]
Meg: That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend, Darren....Mitchelstork. Yep, he's, uh, he's the...chairman...of team.
Lois: Well, all right. Make sure you practice [cracks up] safe sex, Meg! [laughs] You little LIAR!

[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]
Chris: Hi, Dad!
Peter: Go to your room.
Chris: Okay! [runs upstairs and falls through to the floor again]

Announcer: And now back to The Facts of Life.
Jo: Hey, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?
Mrs. Garrett: What is it, Jo?
Jo: Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other?
Mrs. Garrett: Whaaaaat?
Jo: Well, I try to keep them separated, but, uh, I woke up this morning and they were sort of...together. I just didn't that okay?
Mrs. Garrett: You have booooooooth?
Jo: Well, yeah. Doesn't everybody?
Mrs. Garrett: Nooooooooo!

Stewie: You know, the exam starts in three hours.
Brian: Oh, crap. All we did was work out.
Stewie: We should study.
Brian: Right.

Peter: You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

The Courtship of Stewie's Father

Lois: Peter, we need to talk about your son.
Peter: The fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris: [points at Stewie] Ha-ha-ha. Dad called you fat. ...Wait...

[At the ball park]
Peter: Yeah, there's no better place for a father and son to really get to know each other than a ball game.
Brian: Uh...where is Stewie?
[Cut to Stewie, who is sweating gasping for air, in the car. A couple walks by and spots him]
Woman: [gasps] Is that a baby in there?
Man: Oh, my God! He's gonna miss the game!

Tom Tucker: We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?
[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]
Tom Tucker: Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
Stewie: Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!
[Lois angrily comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]
Peter: Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?

Brian: Aw, don't feel bad Peter. Hey, I know what will cheer you up.
Peter: I don't think I'm in the mood.
Brian: Are you sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings]
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Where he at, where he at, where he at, where he at
Now there he go, there he go, there he go, there he go
Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly.
Peter: Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. [leaves]
Brian: Do the Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Peter: Brian, I feel awful. Stewie and I were getting along so good, and now he hates me. How do I get him to like me again?
Brian: Well, that depends. Do you really want my advice, or are you just asking random questions again?
Peter: What's a hypotenuse?

Peter: Stewie, I know you're a little mad at me right now, but when you see where I'm taking you, you're gonna change your mind.
Stewie: Oh, yeah, right, I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what- [sees a "DISNEY WORLD - 5 MILES" sign; he starts jumping around the car] OH, DISNEY WORLD! DISNEY WORLD, DISNEY WORLD! OH! OH! OH! I WANT TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD! OH, OH, DISNEY WORLD! DISNEY WORLD! OH, OH, OH! [sits back down in his seat] I'm still mad at you.

Boy: Wow! It looks like Michael Jackson's coming right at me! [Michael Jackson jumps off the stage, grabs the boy, and runs away]

[after Stewie gets kidnapped by the guards]
Police officer: Now, SING!
Stewie: I shall do no such thing!
Kid: You must sing! If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen!
Stewie: [singing "It's a Small World"] It's a tiny, tiny's a tiny, tiny world...

The Fat Guy Strangler

Peter: Sometimes I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
[Cutaway to a younger Lois holding Peter, walking out of a bar]
Lois: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here! Let's get you home.
Peter: [drunk] Wow, strange lady! You're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois: Peter, it's me!
Peter: You know what? Screw it. I am so gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois: Peter, I-
Peter: You got a condom? N-never mind. [pulls a candy wrapper out of his pocket] I got this Milky Way wrapper.

[Peter throws the tail half of a horse suit to Brian]
Peter: Put this on.
Brian: Why?
Peter: Because, I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys, and I don't want Lois to know about it.
Brian: Um... okay.
[The horse suit walks past the couch that Lois is sitting on]
Peter: [inside the horse suit] Lois, I'm going to my physical now.
Lois: Okay, honey, I'll see you later.
[Cut to Peter and Brian are in the car driving to the steak house]
Brian: Um... wait, what the hell? I'll just ask it: Why did we need the horse suit for that?

Joe: Oh, I can't do it [eat a steak], I'm...I'm so full.
Peter: Full of what, estrogen? C'mon, take the skirt off, you pansy!
Joe: Oh.
Quagmire: Let's go! Chow down, Mary Jane!
Joe: I said I can't.
Brian: Eat it! Eat the damn steak!
Peter: C'mon, what are you waiting for?
Joe: I can't. No, no, no...
Quagmire: Eat it, Joe, eat it!
Joe: I SAID I'M NOT HUNGRY! [takes out his gun and fires at the steak] WHERE IS IT NOW, HUH? WHERE IS IT NOW?! [everyone puts their hands up]
Cleveland: Easy, sailor, easy.
Peter: Put the gun down, Joe.
Brian: Yeah, nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. [takes gun] I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

[Lois is watching The Price Is Right on TV]
Bob Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
Jennifer: Um... $675, Bob.
Bob Barker: $675. Stephen?
Stephen: Uh, $780.
Bob Barker: $780. Tammy?
Tammy: What was the last bid?
Bob Barker: $780.
Tammy: $781.
Stephen: ...Fuck you!
[Peter enters the house]
Lois: Hi, honey. How was your physical?
Peter: Uh, good, good, good, yeah, yeah. Uh, too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy. You know? In-in-in too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Uh, I did not.

Lois: So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Dr. Hartman: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter and Lois: What?
Dr. Hartman: [pulls out a newspaper] Oh, Hägar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?
Dr. Hartman: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Aaaahhh! [Lois and Peter gasp as Hartman drops the folder] There's a spider in here! [picks up the folder again, and a spider falls out of it] Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. [Lois and Peter gasp. Hartman pulls Peter's driver's license out of the folder] This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Lois: Oh! [Peter gasps with her]
Dr. Hartman: [pulls out a video from the shelf] ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts!
Dr. Hartman: Uh, Mr. Griffin, i'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim...Basinger? Bay-Basinger? Ba-Basenger? Baysinger? Hm. But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my God! [Peter gasps with her]
Dr. Hartman: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, onto these test results. [pulls a paper out of the folder] My, they're much worse than I thought. [Lois and Peter gasp] My son got a D- on his history test. Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's gotta come out.
Peter: Wah!
Lois: What?
Dr. Hartman: It's been in the microwave for three minutes! [pulls a liver out of a microwave] It'll get dry. Now...
Lois: Please... please... we can't take any more schtick! Please, just tell us. Is Peter healthy?
Dr. Hartman: Oh, yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.
Lois: Oh, thank God.
Peter: Wait, wait, wait, hang-hang-hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat?
Dr. Hartman: Well...uh, yeah. You-you are pretty fat.
Peter: Um...okay...this is news to me. Uh...boy, this is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore.
[Cutaway to Peter in bed with a rhinoceros]
Peter: Why wouldn't you look at me during? [the rhino gets out of bed and leaves; Peter cries]

[on the phone]
Carter Pewtershmidt: Hello, Pumpkin.
Lois: Hello, Daddy?
Carter Pewtershmidt: Did I miss your piano recital?
Lois: No, Daddy, I'm in my forties now.
Carter Pewtershmidt: Good God!

[Lois, Brian, and Stewie are at the Pewtershmidts' house, where Carter and Barbara are fast asleep]
Stewie: Oh hey, Brian, you know what we should do?
[He whispers something in Brain's ear]
Brian: Oh God, totally!
[Cut to Stewie and Brian riding down the stairs on Carter and Barbara, who're still unconcious. They hit the bottom and high-five each other.]
Stewie and Brian: Awesome!
Stewie: You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.
[Cutaway to a commercial]
TV commercial announcer: Hey, kids of America, it's hand-painted, wooden Ball in a Cup! Who needs constant electronic video stimulation when there's Ball in a Cup, Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years! Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup, and clean-up is as easy as catching a ball in a cup! So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup?
Kids: Ball in a Cup, Ball in a Cup, it's a Ball in a Cup!
Boy: Ball in a Cup!
Kids: Ball in a Cup!

Peter: Alright, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this...I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is, it's nobody's fault...Meg. But, I've decided to do something about it.
Meg: Oh, great. You gonna drop some weight, fatass?
Peter: No, dummy! I'm gonna help make this a fat man's world, by establishing the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People!

Peter Griffin/Jackie Gleason: [repeated line] Pow! Right in the kisser!

Stewie: My god, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar! Find your penis! One dollar! One dollar! Find your penis! Find your penis here!

[Brian and Lois enter Patrick's room, photos of himself strangling fat people are covering the walls].
Lois: So he has a few pictures of him strangling fat guys, that doesn't make him the fat guy strangler!
Brian: [runs over to the bed, lifts up the sheet] Oh yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed?
Lois: Coincidence?
Brian: What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?
Half-dead Fat Guy: Patrick tried to kill me.
Lois: Well, maybe it's a different Patrick.
Brian: Lois!
Lois: Okay, okay. Oh God, Peter's out there with him!
Half-dead Fat Guy: Wait! ...You gonna eat that dead fat guy?
Lois: How are we going to find him?
Brian: Don't worry, Lois, I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina.
[Cutaway to a treehouse at Bush's ranch]
Brian: Uhh, Mr. President, are you up there?
President Bush: Go away.
Brian: Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans.
President Bush: I'm reading Superfudge.
Brian: You gotta come down and deal with this.
President Bush: Don't make me do stuff.

[Brian sees a rock on the grass. He picks it up and throws it at Peter]
Peter: Ahh! You missed!
Brian: No, I didn't. That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into The General Lee.

Stewie: Uh, I was just upstairs, and there's a half dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy. [no one answers] Uh-huh. So I guess we're just looking the other way on this one, then?

[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
Stewie: Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
Brian: Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
Stewie: Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
[both laugh]
Brian: I don't know, man. It's his wife.
Stewie: You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
Brian: [laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. [laughs]
Stewie: You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.
[both laugh]
Stewie: If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.
[both laugh, harder]

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

Chris: I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails are the same color as my school bus.

[Francis wants Stewie to be baptized]
Brian: You-you really think splashing "magic water" on Stewie will keep him out of Hell?
Francis Griffin: Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked!
Brian: Oh, that's very Christian: Believe what I say or I'll hurt you.
Francis: Now you're getting it! [hits Brian in the head with a Bible]

Announcer: And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island"
Mark: You think we should be this far out?
Another Guy: Stop worrying Mark, we'll be fine!
Jaws: [sounds like the Performance Artist] Hey, I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up them shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. Duh-nuh-duh-nuh-duh-nuh. Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay though, I've been swimming a lot lately. [eats the two guys] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.

Stewie: [weakly] Don't...don't take me to a black doctor... [just before Lois and Peter do so]

Diane Simmons: Also in the news, some trouble at Saint Phillips church.
Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Diane Simmons: Sounds dangerous, Tom. Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.
Tom Tucker: Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.

[Lois is changing Stewie in the bubble but has left him to answer the phone]
Stewie: Hey! finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!
Brian: I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.
Stewie: Hey, gaybo, [points to his eyes] I'm up here, up here.

[The opening prayer at The Church of the Fonz]
Peter: Please rise. [everyone stands] Now sit on it. [they sit] The Fonz be with you.
Churchgoers: And also with you.
Peter: Let us ayyyyyy.
Churchgoers: Ayyyyyy.

[Stewie is inside a plastic isolation bubble]
Meg: [sniffs] Brian, what's that smell?
Brian: Black spray-paint.
Meg: What were you painting? [Stewie "rolls" in, his bubble has been painted completely black]
Stewie: Oh, you think you're so funny. Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! [Brian spins the bubble with his hand] Ahhhhh! Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party!
[Cutaway to Stewie holding a balloon at a party]
Stewie: Okay, okay, ready? Here it goes... [inhales the air and talks in a high-pitched voice] I'm a female. I have a high voice. I have reproductive organs inside of me, and I buy groceries.

Francis Griffin: Peter, your religion is an abomination! I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding.
[Cutaway to Peter's cousin Mary's wedding]
Priest: And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now.
Peter: Really? ...Nobody's going to speak up? I'm the one who's gonna have to say it? [sighs] All right. GENITAL WARTS!
[back at the Griffins' house]
Peter: But Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart to find my religion.
Francis Griffin: Yes, real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion, it was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales.
Brian: Actually, that is religion.
Francis Griffin: Shut your trap, Brian!
Stewie: [rolls by, his bubble still black] HA! You tell him!

Brian: Sometimes opposites work well together. In fact, Peter taught me that.
[Cutaway to the music video for Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract", but with Peter appearing in place of MC Skat Kat and with makeup and cat ears on]
Paula Abdul: Two steps forward,
Peter: I take two steps back...
Paula Abdul: We come together,
Peter: Cause I'm dressed like a cat.
Paula Abdul: And you know, it ain't fiction,
Peter: Just a natural fact...
Paula Abdul: We come together,
Peter: Cause I'm dressed like a cat.

[Quagmire comes into the back of the Church of the Fonz where Peter is]
Quagmire: Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you. Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde and her mother.
Peter: Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have Confession. So there's really no reason for you to tell me.
Quagmire: Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody! Giggity-goo-ga!

Brian Sings and Swings

[Alarm clock goes off, Peter wakes up]
Brian: Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter?
Peter: Oh Brian, last night I had this crazy dream I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh wait, here it is. What the hell was I eating?
[Camera focuses on a half-eaten sheep, crawling on the carpet, blood trailing after it]
Sheep: Meeeh! Meeeeh! Meeeh! Meeeh!
Peter: Oh, sorry.

Sarah: [Meg has just knocked on her door.] Hey Meg. What're you doing here?
Meg: Listen, Sarah, I gotta get something off my chest. [walks inside]
Sarah: [pumps her fist in triumph, apparently believing Meg wants to have sex] Yes! [shuts door].
Meg: I need to open up.
Sarah: Sweet!
Meg: So get ready, 'cause here it is. My mom was right... [pauses. Sarah is standing there in her underwear. She hastily puts her dress back on].

[Waiting in the hospital]
Lois: Oh, I just can't stand the thought of losing Brian!
Stewie: [sigh] If he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
[Cutaway to a TV commercial]
Don LaFontaine: One's a baby, and the other' I think. At least...part black. Or, Hispanic. I think, you know, possibly, there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean, if he, if he's black it's definitely diluted. I mean, one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba, for that matter? If I were 40 years younger, I would plow that 'til next July...

Brian: Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair.
Peter: Uhp...uhp-uhp-uhp. No arguments, Brian. Besides, I already went through the trouble of borrowing this wheelchair ramp from Joe.
[Cut to the front of the Swanson home. Joe is rolling out the front door]
Joe: Hey, Bonnie, I'll see ya-WHAA!
[Without his wheelchair ramp, Joe rolls off the front porch face first into the ground]
Bonnie: Joe?
Joe: Don't help me up; I need to retain my independence.
[Bonnie leaves him be, but even after day drifts into night, Joe remains in the same position in the same place. Bonnie comes to see him again]
Bonnie: Do you need anything from the market?

Mr. Berler: Does everyone have a lab partner?
Sarah: I don't.
Meg: Me neither.
Sarah: She can be my partner.
Mr. Berler: Sarah, that's very irresponsible. Meg is awful! [walks away]
Sarah: You wanna be my lab partner?
Meg: Really?
Sarah: Sure, you seem nice. Hey, you want to join my after school club?
Meg: Sure!
Mr. Berler: Now open your books to know what, look, I'm sorry. Can I just go ahead and show this video of me doing my wife?

Stewie: You know, Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're doing a white poop. But it's stuck.

Lois: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of jury duty.
[Cutaway to Peter serving on an all-white jury]
Peter: Awful lot of honkies in here. [the white guys glare at him]

[a disheveled Brian walks into the Griffins' living room]
Lois: Brian, there you are! Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago!
Brian: Oh, yeah, he, uh...he's, um, he's-he was right here, right next to me like four hours ago.
Lois: What?! Brian, you were supposed to watch him! [she gasps as Stewie walks into the living room] Oh, my little sweetie!
Stewie: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers! You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh, here's where the story gets fun. Uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear! [reveals a bloody spot on his head where his ear should be] Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
Lois: Ugh, Brian, this is inexcusable!
Peter: Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie?
Stewie: My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count.
Brian: Hey, hey, I'm not the kid's babysitter, all right? I have my own life to live!
Peter: You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra, Jr. I am gonna call his mother, Mia Farrow, and give her a piece of my mind! And you are gonna stop singing at that crazy club- [on the phone] Operator, Mia Farrow, please.
Brian: YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE! [growls, then bites Peter on the arm]
Stewie: Yeah, uh, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece. [places a plastic ear in what's left of his own ear]

Peter: I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.
[Cutaway to Gene Shalit pointing a gun at Peter in an alley]
Gene Shalit: Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango and Cash. So just Pay It Forward, and we'll all be Happy Gilmore.
Peter: ...What?

[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]
Performance Artist Bruce: I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items.
Cashier: That's fine.
Performance Artist Bruce: No, no, no, rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. [Stewie, behind him in line, sighs] 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay; I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]

Stewie: [after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
Brian: I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? 'Cause life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Stewie: Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
Brian: You mean, the way...the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something is really, really funny?
[Cutaway to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith, with Stewie laughing differently than usual]
Stewie: Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time. [runs off]

Patriot Games

Peter: Besides, Sunday's my Internet Porn Night.
[Cutaway to Peter sitting naked at a computer inside an internet café]
Peter: Oh yeah, you're my Chinese Lois.

[After Brian can't pay Stewie, Stewie drinks a glass of orange juice]
Stewie: Mmmm... that's good OJ. [throws the cup at Brian, who screams in pain with glass thrusted into him, bleeding] That hurt? That hurt?
Stewie: Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [stomps on Brian's foot, punches him, then throws him] Yeah! That's what happens, man! [Brian tries to get up, but Stewie kicks him down]
Brian: OH, MY GOD!
Stewie: Yeah, that's what happens. [Stewie kicks Brian, then punches him in the face several times] Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?!

[Brian puts on a fake moustache to hide himself from Stewie]
Brian: [disguising voice under Southern accent] Mornin'.
Stewie: Good day to you, sir. Wait a minute! WHAT THE HELL?!
[Brian whimpers and attempts to escape]

Stewie: Yeah, you got money to pay for fake moustaches, huh? Yeah, yeah, how much did you pay for that fake moustache?
Brian: $2.99. [Stewie shoots him in the left knee with a gun] AHHHHHH!! OHHH! AHHHH! AHHGGH! Listen, you just gotta give me more time- [Stewie shoots him in the right knee] AHHHHGGH!
Stewie: [repeatedly whacks Brian with the gun] Don't make a fool out of me, man! Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money! [Brian gets up, choking] I want my money, man!
Brian: Stewie, listen, this is crazy. You got- OH, MY GOD! [Stewie shoots a flamethrower at Brian, who screams as he is burned until Stewie stops] Alright, let's go to the bank.

[Meg and Lois are peeping at Tom Brady taking a shower]
Meg: Mom, let me look!
Lois: Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it.
Meg: He's closer to my age, you cow! [Stewie walks in]
Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Oh, hi, Stewie. W-we were just leaving. [they leave]
Stewie: I say, what the Devil is all the fuss about. I don't get it, what's in there- [takes a look in the hole in the wall] Bing-bong, hello!

Peter: [on a television commercial] Hi. I'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. I'm here to kick off the "Touchdown of Savings Weekend" at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru. We will blitz the competition and in no time, you'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru right to a touchdown! [sings] At Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru, we have Hyundais and Subarus.

Stewie: So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England? I've got my money, your wounds have healed up nicely, what do you say we let bygones be bygones, hmm?
Brian: You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.

Peter: All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do. By taking steroids.

Tom Tucker: Diane didn't your first your husband blow his brains out?
Diane Simmons: Oh God! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Tom Tucker: Coming up America's hottest new curse word Kleeman, We'll tell you what it means after this.

I Take Thee Quagmire

[scene from "Wheel of Fortune"]
Pat Sajak: All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.
Peter: Thanks, Regis.
Pat Sajak: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Peter: Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q...another Q...uh...a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
Pat Sajak: Okay, no help there, um, 15 seconds, if you want to take a shot at it, talk it out.
Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [he solves the puzzle]
Pat Sajak: I...don't...believe it?
Peter: Oh my God, I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Peter: Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
Pat Sajak: That's you, Peter.
Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
[at home]
Lois: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
Brian: I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!"
[Cutaway to "Jeopardy!"]
Alex Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [Adam West reveals his answer] "Kebert Xela." [screams, then disappears]
Mayor Adam West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Lois: Oww, damn... that hurts.
Brian: What happened?
Lois: I was breast feeding Stewie and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.
Brian: I see. Uhm...maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. Uh... I, uh, I, I have seen a lot of medical shows. [Lois shows him]
Lois: You see, the areola is very tender here, and I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on the duct.
Brian: [stares at her breasts for a moment] I'm sorry, what?
Lois: I don't know what to do Brian. Breast feeding is just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.
[Cutaway shows Alec Baldwin breast-feeding his brothers]
Alec Baldwin: There you go, there you go. Eat up, Stephen, you're the weakest.
Brian: Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.
Lois: Huh, I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what, I'll give it a try. Thanks, Brian.
Brian: No problem. other problems you have, too, like, for example, aroun-around your underpants, that you want me to take a look at, I could-I could take a look at-at that, too.
Lois: Huh?
Brian: ...Please pull down your underpants.

Peter: Hey, Meg, will you hold this for Daddy? [hands her a watermelon]
Meg: Okay...why?
Peter: Uh, it's a present. It's a "Thanks for being such a sweetie" watermelon. So, you'll hang onto that?
Meg: Yeah, sure. [Peter frantically runs away] This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this, or- [the watermelon explodes all over the living room] AHHHHH! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! [runs away]

Cleveland: Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?

Stewie: That's more disgusting than when Peter went through his Daisy Dukes phase.
[Cutaway to Peter wearing extremely short cut-off jeans and a a polka-dot midriff top]
Peter: So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are, come here, you basketball. [he bends over to pick it up, exposing his butt crack to Stewie and Brian on the couch, who groan in disgust]
Brian: It's like a walrus flossing!

Stewie: Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the Founding Father's had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights.
[Cutaway to the Founding Fathers writing the Bill of Rights]
Founding Father 1: All right, we're done.
Founding Father 2: You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms?
Founding Father 3: Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued?
Founding Father 1: All right, fantastic, then. Wait, you know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out.

[at a strip club]
Peter: C'mon, Quagmire, it's gotta be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down.
Joe: [getting a lap dance] AUGHHHHHHHHHH! WHY DO YOU BRING ME HERE!?

Lois: [with noticably bigger breasts] Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore, and they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I'v gone up two bra sizes.
Brian: Wha...what did you do with the old bras?

Stewie: By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs! THEY'RE LIES!

Peter: I know you have a foot fetish, so I got you the Statue of Liberty's foot. [a truck backs up with a giant green foot]
Quagmire: Aw, thanks, Peter, but Joan's all the foot I need now.
Peter: What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue of Li-
Quagmire: No, no, I'm okay.
Peter: Hey, hey, do you have any idea what I went through to get this? A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter with the Statue of Liberty's foot, oh isn't that a gas?" No, no. The reality, the real reality of getting this thing together was staggering. You know? This cost me $437,000; don't ask me how I got it, I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met, so the very least you could do is just, rub up against-I don't know.
Quagmire: Well, if you want, I could-
Peter: No-no-no, no, no, it's fine. No-no, whatever, whatever. Just go to your wedding, man. [a man asks Peter something in Spanish] No, no-no-no, no, take-just get it outta here.

Stewie: [when he is trying to sip Lois' breast milk on the rug] Dear God, I've gotta get a hold of myself! Look at me, sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet! I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.
[Cutaway to Lois on the couch with Peter, who has a book]
Peter: [points to a word] Hey, Lois, what's this word?
Lois: Evel.
Peter: [points to another word] And this one?
Lois: Knievel.
Peter: And this one?
Lois: Was.
Peter: And this one?
Lois: Born.
Peter: And this one?
Lois: In.
Peter: And this one?
Lois: Montana.
Peter: Huh. Oh, hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?

Peter: I mean we're gonna fake your death. This is the best idea I had since I invented that soda.
[Cutaway to Peter in a boardroom]
Peter: Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi, but without that troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi, and somebody's coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And-and-and then, and then, who's dead, huh? You! You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.
[Only on the DVD]

Peter: So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park minding his own business, I just happened to have my video camera running when a ninja shows up! [Joe comes up to Quagmire dressed as a ninja and pretends to sword him] And then a Nazi came! [Cleveland walks up to Quagmire dressed in an army uniform with a Nerf ball-gun and shoots him with it] Then a evil pots and pans robot! [Peter runs in front of Quagmire with a toy gun, covered in pots and pans] Destroy! Destroy! [Camera pans back to the living room] I imagine you're wondering what happened to the body. Well, we thought of that. [Camera pans back to the video] Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! Wait! We might still be able to save-- Oh, NO!! [Peter holds a plastic toy dinosaur in front of the camera, making it look like it is eating Quagmire, timing each bite with each note while he sings music from Jurassic Park] We are so, so sorry for your loss.
Joan: Is this a joke?!
Peter: I wish it were, Joan. I wish it were a joke. You know, these things happen. One day you're walking down the park and wheelchair ninjas, black Nazis, and pots and pans robots come to kill you and dinosaurs come to eat the remains.

[a cement truck is pouring cement into the hole of Quagmire's coffin]
Peter: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what the hell are you doing?
Cement truck worker: Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies, so the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete.
Mayor Adam West: You'll thank me when no one eats our'll thank me.
Peter: Hold it! Stop the funeral! [the cement stops pouring] Quagmire's not really dead! [he jumps into the hole and throws sand off Quagmire's coffin. Quagmire stands up from the coffin and breathes]
Mayor Adam West: ZOMBIE! [screams, then flees]

Sibling Rivalry

Peter's Barbershop Quartet: [singing about the details of a vasectomy] You'll never have to wear a condom / When you do it with your wife / [sung as one line] Or anyone else you do it with we promise not to tell, like that new hot chick at work, you know the one who always has high beams under her ribbed white cotton t-shirt, but then stares daggers at you for checking her out, And it's like "why do you wear that if you don't want attention?" but you know you shouldn't think that way because of the sexual harrassement meeting you all had to go to. Seriously, how lame was that? And you couldn't help but notice that the female lawyer running the seminar had a huge rack, like ridiculously huge for someone who has to talk about that kind of stuff. Well I guess that's the definition of the word [elongated note] "irony"!

Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter: Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian: Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
Peter: ...Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian: That's Street Fighter.
Peter:, blue, green...
Brian: Those are colors.

Lois: Oh, God, I can't believe we weren't more careful! This probably happened that night we tried role-playing.
[Cutaway Peter in bed, as Lois walks toward him dressed as a private schoolgirl]
Lois: Ooh, I need a spanking. [turns her behind towards Peter] I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter: I'm a paladin with eighteen charisma and ninety-seven hit points. I can use my Helm of Disintegration and do 1D4 damage as my Half-Elf Mage wields his +5 Holy Avenger.
Lois: Paladins can't use the Helm of Disintegration!
Peter: Oh? Okay. Then I'm a black guy.

Peter: Yeah, but what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late.
Cleveland: You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank, just in case.
Peter: I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.
[Cutaway to Ice Age, in its usual 3D form, where Scrat is trying to remove some acorns from the side of a glacier. Peter, in his usual 2D form, is standing at the top of the glacier]
Peter: No! No! Bad squirrel! Those are MY nuts! My nuts! Ah, you're just a hungry little fella, aren't you? But those are MY nuts! [Scrat jumps to the top and attacks Peter offscreen] Aah! Oh, God, no, my nuts! MY NUTS!

Chris: For my science homework I had to do a shoe-box diarrhea of the evolution of man.
Lois: You mean 'diorama'.

[Chris pauses and looks at his shoe box]

Chris: Uh-oh.

[Stewie is walking towards a jungle gym, but a boy blocks him]
Boy: No! Jungle gym mine!
Stewie: Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? [kicks him in the nuts, and he goes down crying. Stewie climbs to the top of the gym] Anyone else wanna feel my "weebok" in their grapes?! [no one answers] Then you'll all do as I say. [a girl appears next to him]
Girl: [to Stewie] Hi.
Stewie: [to girl] Well, hello there. [to boy, who is still crying] Yes, that's it, cry. Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens.
[Cutaway to the Eye of Sauron, which is scanning Mordor for Sauron's contact lens. Sauron's voice is heard]
Sauron: [frantically] Nobody move! Nobody move! D-does-does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock. Anyone? Oh, I am so grounded!

Peter: And, uh, just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance.

Peter: [referring to not having sex] It gives me time to try other things, like that time I tried wearing adult diapers.
[Cutaway to the dining room, the family is eating when Peter enters]
Peter: Hey, Lois. Hey, kids. Oh boy, that smells delicious. You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but I gotta go meet Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire down at... [long pause] ...the bar. So, uh, just put my dinner in the fridge, and I'll heat it up later. Love ya!

Peter: [reffering to Lois] I mean, you wouldn't have sex with her, would ya?
Brian: Oh yeah, I would.
Peter: Really?
Brian: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I would do everything to her, I don't care what she looks like. I would wreck that chick.
Peter: Well, you are a trooper.

Lois: Peter, stop it! For God's sakes, you're embarrassing me!
Peter: Not as embarassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates.
[Cutaway to Peter in a prison yard without his shirt on, with five prisoners]
Bald Prison: Do it again, Griffin!
Peter: Aw, come on! I just did it like five times!
Mustached Prisoner: Do it!
Peter: [pulls his pants down and starts singing and moving around embarrasingly, and in between, holds his boobs together] My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I can teach you but I have to [breaks down crying] cha-ha-harge!

Peter: Oh, hey Hogzilla, you happen to see my hot wife, Lois around?
Lois: [very obese] No, I haven't. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her.
Peter: He-he-he-he-he-he-he, hey, do me a favor: when you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way. Last night, for God's sake, you farted, I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat.
Lois: Shut up and go to sleep!

Peter: Lois, last night was amazing.
Lois: [very obese] It was, wasn't it?
Peter: Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing; your boobs or my boobs.

Peter: [feeding Lois cake] I want you bigger! I want you fatter! It will please me...

Bertram Griffin: I sense something, a presence I've not felt since...
[Suddenly, a throwing star comes out of nowhere and misses him by inches. Stewie is seen having just entered the tent, brandishing a sword]
Bertram Griffin: Stewie! You're alive!
Stewie: Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated.
Bertram Griffin: You have an annoying habit of turning up when you're not welcome!
Stewie: Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate Y.
[Cutaway to a business meeting with A, E, I, O, and U.]
A: If you'll turn to page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, [Y enters, talking on his cell phone] which I can tell are...
Y: Okay, okay. Yeah, alright. Okay, you know what, I'm in a meeting, I'll call you back. [hangs up]
E: Well, well, well, look who decided to show up.
Y: So, what are we talking about here?
U: Well, before you- [Y's phone rings]
Y: Oh, I'm sorry. [answers] F! What's up? No, no, I can talk.

Dr. Hartman: Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.
Lois: Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
Meg: For your information Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
Lois: [ignoring Meg] Chris, we all love your hat.
Chris: Thanks Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?
Dr. Hartman: Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]
Peter: Uhhhh, it's exactly what it looks like.

Deep Throats

Brian: I spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a "Hollaback Girl" is...all I know is I want her dead.

Peter: [to Brian] Ah, this is living, Bitterman. This set of wheels is even better than those talking cars on that commercial.
[Cutaway to a parking lot with a pink car.A blue car approaches it. The scene is done in Claymation, like in the Chevron commercials]
Chuck: Hey. How you doin' there? Listen, uh, couldn't help but, uh, notice you across the parking lot and, know, you're-you're very attractive, and wanna go behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh? You wanna just go have some dirty, stupid, insane, parking lot sex?
Morty:'s me, Morty.
Chuck: Yeah, 'cause we could-what?
Morty: Yeah, they had me painted.
Chuck: Oh, oh, my God! I'm so embarrassed! Oh, my...
Morty: Hey, how do you think I feel?
Chuck: No, no, that too, but...
Morty: It's not all about you, you know.
Chuck: Morty, oh, my God, what are you doin'...
Morty: I think I was, like, a birthday present for the kid or something like that, I don't know.
Chuck: Oh, my God, look at you, you''re hot!
Morty: I know.
Chuck: I would've taken you-- you know what I would have done to you back there? Why didn't you say something earlier? I said all that stuff...God!
Morty: Well, let's not rule anything out...

Lois: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie: You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud.
Lois: So I was thinking we could-

Brian: [driving while on cellphone] Hello? Hey, Lois, what's up? Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up at the end of my shift. Oh, gotta go, first fare of the night. [hangs up and sees Cleveland at the end of the block] I should really pick up that milk now before I forget. [drives past Cleveland]
Cleveland: YOU SON OF A BITCH! [throws a shoe at the window of Brian's taxi and flips him off]

Mayor Adam West: [after brutally dispatching the Noid] Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.

[Stewie is riding with Brian and sees Cleveland at the end of the block]
Stewie: Oh my God, speed up, speed up, speed up! [drives past Cleveland]
Cleveland: OH THERE YOU ARE, YOU HONKY SUMBITCH! COME BACK HERE! [throws his other shoe at the window of Brian's taxi and runs after them]
[DVD version only]

Brian: Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
Kermit the Frog: [hiding in the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows, my identity will be safest if you never see my face.
Brian: Uh...okay.
Kermit the Frog: Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights!
Brian: Kermit the Frog?
Kermit the Frog: [gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm getting out of here-YAAAAAAAAAAY! [flees from the scene]
Stewie: What's his appeal?

[Peter and Lois are high]
Peter: That's...that's my favorite picture of Brian, over there on that wall.
Lois: He wants to have sex with me so bad. [starts laughing] He-he's not...he's not gonna get to! [falls on her face. Peter giggles, then takes a bite out of his guitar]

Meg: What are you doing here, Brian? Still trying to smear my boss?
Brian: No, no, no. I-I actually came to my senses and realized I was out of line. Uh, I'm just here to apologize. [hits Stewie]
Stewie: Oh, and, uh... [in a dazed and forced voice, to Meg] You're so pretty. You're always pretty.
Meg: Aw, you guys are so sweet. [kisses Stewie on the cheek]
Stewie: Oh, well, it's my pleasure.
Meg: Hey, can you guys hold on a sec? I gotta get this to Helen in accounting. [walks out of the room]
Stewie: Okay, bye. [vomits in a vase]
Brian: [sifts through a few papers, then a drawer] Aha! The Mayor's datebook. This should tell us what we want to know. All right, let's get out of here.
Stewie: Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
[Cutaway to Oprah]

Brian: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book, and that's our ticket to-
[Stewie and Brian see Peter and Lois, who are doped up, lying nude on the couch]
Peter: Hey, Brian, what's up?
Brian: Uh, hi, uh... Lois, Peter.
Lois: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable.
Peter: Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is. [giggles] He's so short! [giggles again]
Lois: Oh, my God, he is short! [Peter and Lois giggle] Hey...hey, Brian...he's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian: What?
Lois: He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just, uh, head out and, uh...let you be nude. [Brian and Stewie slowly walk out the front door backwards]
Peter: Who were those guys?
Lois: I don't know.
Quagmire: [pops up naked from behind them] Room for one more? [sings] Dee-dee-dee-dee, dee-dee, dee!

On the censored FOX version, Peter and Lois are shown clothed in their underwear (even though Stewie still makes a reference to their being naked) and Lois's line about Peter "knocking on the back door" was cut.

[Stewie and Brian kiss to hide their faces from Meg and Adam West]
Brian: [breaks the kiss once they leave] Come on, we gotta follow them. [Brian runs for the door, but stops when he realizes Stewie is still in the kissing position] Stewie?
Stewie: Huh? Oh, oh, uh...
Brian: Everything all right?
Stewie: Uh, yeah, uh...hey, listen, freakin' shot in the dark: You wanna do something sometime?

Meg: I have to tell you something, Adam.
Mayor Adam West: You're an alien, I know.


Kool-Aid Man: [after a car crashes into his house] Wow. You know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.

Barbara Pewterschmidt: Should we give Elmo a bath?
Ted Turner: Yeah!
Barbara Pewterschmidt: Should we give Telly a bath?
Ted Turner: Yeah!
Barbara Pewterschmidt: Should we give Ernie a bath?
Ted Turner: No! Ernie doesn't like the monsters!

Peter: Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed about mooching off your kids at age 70.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Go to Hell, fathead! Have I used that one? No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead.

Peter: I've steered our family through bigger problems, like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show.
[Cutaway to a crude, Simpsons-like rendering of the Griffins in the front lawn, standing by a tombstone]
Lois: Well, that's the end of Puss. He was the best cat anyone ever had.
Peter: Say, Lois, whaddya say we go downtown and buy a dog?
Brian: Hey, wait a minute, you already have a dog!
Chris: So long, Puss.
Meg: We'll miss you.
Stewie [in a Cockney accent]: It's gonna be quite a different place with him gone, that's for true.

Stewie: All right, Cathy, it looks like Stewie Griffin is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch, and as we watch Griffin doing this, I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay. [does his floor routine]
Brian: Boy, that was really gay.
Stewie: No, no, didn't you just hear the announcers? They said it's not gay. Ha-ha! Stewie one, you zero.

Peter: Carter, hand me my thinking grenades!
Carter Pewtershmidt: [hands Peter a box of grenades] Where did you get these?
Peter: Shh! Carter, I'm thinking. [throws a grenade out window and it explodes] Uh huh... [throws another grenade and it explodes]
Man: Oh my God! He's dead!
Peter: That might work... [throws a third grenade and it explodes]
Man: What's happening?
Peter: I got it!

Betty White: Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Kool-Aid Man: [after Peter destroys his wall] OH, COME ON!!

You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Stewie: Ugh, this idiot will fit in with our family as badly as Peter fit in with The Proclaimers.
[Cutaway shows Peter in a recording room with the Proclaimers]
The Proclaimers: [to the beat of "I'm Gonna Be"]
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who'd walk that thousand miles
To fall down at your door. Da da da!
Peter: DA DA DA!
The Proclaimers: Da da da!
Peter: Da da da! [over them] Da da da- [hits one of them and knocks him down] Da! I'm singing! I'm singing.

Chris: She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them.
Classmate: What? Kick them around?
Chris: Um, wait...yes.

Mayor Adam West: Today we commemorate those brave Quahog soldiers who perished in the recent Gulf conflict. I can think of no greater tribute to their memories than this solid gold statue...of Dig 'Em, the Sugar Smacks frog. [crowd murmurs in question] The spirit of America is epitomized by his inspiring motto, "Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back."

Lois: Peter, stop it! God, you're more clueless than Popeye.
[Cutaway to Dr. Hartman's office, where he is giving Popeye a checkup]
Dr. Hartman: Sir, I think you should know, these growths on your forearms- they're giant tumors.
Popeye: [gibberish] -Oh, dear!
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, I'm suprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look.
Popeye: [gibberish]
Dr. Hartman: And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye, uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.
Popeye: [gibberish]
Dr. Hartman: That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.
Popeye: [gibberish]
Dr. Hartman: I'd say about two months.

Bill Clinton: [singing completely naked]
Oh this is one fine day to be nude
Yeah this is one fine day to be nude.
The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring",
And people walking by can stop and look at my thing.
Oh this is one fine day to-
Chris: Liberal chubby chaser! [throws an egg at him]
Bill Clinton: [laughs] Well, if you can't laugh at yourself.

Mort Goldman: I don't like it. And I don't like the contraction "apostrophe-EM." As far as I'm concerned, his name is "Dig Them." You're not welcome here, Dig Them!
Mayor Adam West: I stand beside my decision, this press conference is over. [covers eyes] I can't see you now, I can't hear you now, You're not here now. La la la la la, la la la, la la la la la.

[after Mayor Adam West gets hit by a brick in the face and sees that he is bleeding]
Mayor Adam West: My God! I'm a tomato!

Jasper: I can't believe the wedding's off. All I ever wanted was to get married and make a home with a skinny hairless Filipino boy. Isn't that the American Dream?

Peter: Oh, Jasper, where'd ya get these brownies?
Jasper: They're from a bakery in the West Quahog Gay District. I thought they'd help my depression.
Peter: Oh, I can see why, oh my God, they pack so much fudge into these. And look at this, there's even a couple of nuts lodged in there.

Chris: But Brian, the bible says gay marriage is an abomination.
Brian: Oh, don't give me that Young Republican crap, Chris. The bible also says a senior citizen built an ark and rounded up two of every animal.
[Cutaway to Noah's Ark]
Noah: [to an elephant and a penguin] Hey!
Elephant: Yeah?
Noah: What the hell is this? [camera pulls out to reveal an animal with a penguin's body and an elephant's head]
Elephant: Oh. You didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating.
Noah: Did you name it?
Elephant: What?
Noah: Did you name it?
Elephant: Uh, yeah, he's Paul.
Noah: Yeah? Well it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard!

Quagmire: Gay marriage? Oh, come on! Two halves can't make a whole without a hole. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-oo-ee-oo-ah-ah, ting-tang walla-walla bing-bang, oo-ee-oo-ah-ah, ting-tang walla-walla bing-bang!
[Cut away to Brian at Herbert's house]
Herbert: Get off my property, you pervert.

Peter: By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not gonna tell you where, but I'll give you a hint: It wasn't my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.

[after Chris torches Brian's petition]
Brian: My petition! What the hell are you doing?
Chris: I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this!

Brian: [panting] Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten-thousand signatures! I've been up for twenty-four hours, I paid off a few people, and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of.
[Cutaway to Brian watching Sex and the City with two gay men so they will sign his petition]
Brian:'s a show about three hookers and their mom?

Mayor Adam West: I should warn you, I have a tiny bulletproof shield the exact size of a bullet somewhere on my body, and if you hit it, I'll be unharmed, and your plan will be foiled. You'll be the laughing stock of me!
Brian: [holding a gun in front of Mayor West] I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West!
Mayor Adam West: Good, because I'm incredibly crafty. Hey, what's that on the ceiling? [Brian looks up, and Adam jumps out of his seat] HA-HA! Now I'm over here!

Stewie: God, this is such an old people house, you know? I mean, look at this candy jar. Let's, uh, take a look in here. Let's see what you got here. You got, uh... oh, you got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's, uh...oh, oh, Freedent! Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, I got-I got a sweet tooth, I think I'll have some Freedent. Yeah, uh, oh, oh, what's this? Oh, a cough drop, a Luden's cough drop. Is that candy? No, I don't think that's candy; I think it's a cough drop! Uh, what else we got? Oh, oh, look! Look at this! There's a fishing lure in here! There's a fishing lure in the candy jar! W-w-what! Am I-am I supposed to eat this? Eat a fishing lure? Hey, look, Brian's on TV!
Diane Simmons: [on TV] And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage of the crazed homosexual gunman who's taken Mayor West hostage.
Lois: Oh, my God, Brian's taken the mayor hostage?!
Stewie: Is this an eyeglass lens?
Lois: I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this.
Carter Pewterschmidt: [scoffs] Gay marriage. Next thing you know, they'll want to vote.
Stewie: Oh, oh, look at this: A spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco! They-they don't even make this anymore! They don't even make this car anymore! Whose key could this possibly be?

[Peter enters Mayor West's office during Brian's stand-off with the Mayor]
Peter: Hey, whass-a happ-a wit-chu? [canned laughter]
Brian: What the hell was that?
Peter: My catchphrase.
Brian: You don't have a catchphrase.
Peter: Why you gotta say-a like-a dat? [canned laughter]


Lois: Well, let's just hope it looks better than that balcony you built.
[Cutaway to Peter and Lois on the living room couch]
Peter: Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellas?
Statler: [sitting with Waldorf in their opera box] Well, at least the show's got the right name.
Waldorf: Yeah. I couldn't follow any of it! [they laugh]
Peter: [laughs] They don't care for most things.

Mayor Adam West: Uh, pardon me. I just bought a Rottweiler, and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is.
Home Supply clerk: [pointing to "BEWARE OF DOG" sign] Well, we have exactly what-
Mayor Adam West: Ah, yes, here it is: "ONE WAY." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way a body bag...from dog injuries.

Peter: [in bed with Lois] I can't wait to see the expression on Joe's legs when I open my multiplex.
Lois: I have to say, I'm a little concerned about the zoning for the... Peter, are you peeing in that skull?
Peter: [sarcastically] No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there... Pain in the ass.

Stewie: [talking to the TV people] Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great. [they burst out of the screen and slam into the wall of Peter and Lois' bed]
Peter: Holy crap!
Brian: What the hell was that?
Lois: Stewie, what are you doing?!
Stewie: [singsongy] They're here.
Brian: Who's here?
Stewie: The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but... ehhh, it's not doing so well.

Peter: Good night, buddy. Hey, what's the matter?
Chris: Oh, I'm scared of the storm, Dad.
Peter: Well, you know, I think the storm's moving away from us, Chris. You know how I can tell? Here's a little trick. When you see the lightning, you count all the terrible things that can happen to a child, until you hear the thunder. And if you count higher each time, you know the storn's moving away from you. Okay, ready?
Chris: Ready. [lightning flashes]
Peter: Okay. Drowning, getting shot in a drive-by...
Chris: Lyme Disease from a deer tick...
Peter: Good, good, getting stabbed in the face...
Chris: Getting shot in the face...
Peter: Shot in the face, there you go. I see you're kinda stealing mine, but, uh, it's okay. Leukemia...
Chris: Having a mosquito bite you on your scab... [thunder crashes]
Peter: Oh, there's the thunder. Okay, let's try again. [lighning flashes] Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally- [thunder crashes; Peter shoves Chris off the bed and hides under the covers] Oh, crap! It's getting closer!
[Only on the DVD]

Stewie: I haven't seen anything suck this much since... [as he is getting sucked into the other dimension] I ♥ Huckabees!

Peter: [after tearing his face apart and revealing Hank Hill's head underneath] Hehehehehe... Propane.

Performance Artist Bruce: [as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!
Peter: I'll tell you what's not safe: Going hunting with Dick Cheney.
[Cutaway to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]
Peter: So, y'all set to go hunting? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]
Dick Cheney: Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

[The Griffins, except for Meg, leave their haunted house and get into the car]
Lois: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian: I don't know.
Stewie: I didn't see her.
Chris: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois: Peter, you gotta go back and get her.
Peter: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois: I know, but-
Peter: Look-she's-Okay, see? It resolved itself.

*On the New Zealand version, Meg calls Peter a "motherfucker" [with the latter part of the word uncensored] when she runs into the car

Herbert: [after the Griffins' house disappears] So no hard feelings?
Tree: Nah, nah, let's just put it all behind us.
Herbert: Wanna come over for some tea and cookies?
Tree: Sure.
Herbert: Are you a giving tree, or a receiving tree?
[Only on the DVD]

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news: a local family is forced out of their home by ghosts! Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons: [sighs] Ghostbusters, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Brian: [reading from A Guide to the Occult by Beverly Cleary] "To vanquish poltergeists, one must restore all disturbed remains to their original resting places."
Lois: So all we got to do is bring the skull back home and bury it. [Brian grabs Peter's groin]
Peter: What are you doing?
Brian: [still holding on] You said you were using the skull as an athletic cup.
Peter: I was, but don't you remember, I threw it in the garbage?
Brian: Oh. So, you're...not wearing it now?
Peter: No. That's, uh, pretty much just me you're grabbin'.
Chris: That's how my old scoutmaster shakes hands!
Peter: Boy, this is more awkward than that three-some when the girl didn't show up.
[Cutaway to Peter and another man together in the same bed]
Peter: So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail?
Man: Yeah, two. Home and cell.
Peter: Oh, good, you got the cell, too, okay, I was-I was gonna say...
***: [Only on the DVD]

Peter: [to Carrot Top, laughing] You are so fuckin' funny! You are so- God damn you for being so funny!

Lois: I love you, honey.
Peter: And I've grown fond of you, Lois.

Herbert: [to the tree about Chris] Hey there, skinny britches! That there's my man!

Stewie: Mommy?!
Lois: Stewie, are you okay?
Stewie: Wait, I wanna try something.

(Stewie sings Phil Collins 'In The Air Tonight while on the "other side" with the vocal effects)

Well I remember, I remember don't worry. How could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met. But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me. The hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows. It's no stranger to you or me

[Stewie emulates the drum sound before the final part of the song.]

Untitled Griffin Family History

Lois: Peter, did you brush your teeth?
Peter: Nah.
Lois: Peter, brush your teeth.
Peter: I don't wanna!
Lois: Peter, brush your teeth!
Peter: No! It's stupid!
Lois: Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Peter: NO!
Lois: [pins Peter down to the floor, holding a toothbrush] Open your mouth!
Peter: NO!
Lois: Peter, open your mouth! Show me your teeth!
Peter: No! No! Come on!
Lois: SHOW ME YOUR TEETH! [the Griffins then hear a window break]

Meg: Dad! What is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs?
[Peter hits Meg with a baseball bat]
Peter: Oh, God, Meg, you startled me! I'm sorry.

Caveman Peter: People want Peter wheel thanks to sexy wife. Tonight, you and me party like it's 9!
[Caveman Stewie knocks Cavewoman Lois out with a club]
Caveman Stewie: Damn all. What deuce? Victory Stewie's.

[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]
Lois: Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?
[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]
Peter: They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

[Peter inhales in the scuba suit, and coughs]
Peter: What the hell is this? This is a tank of Tony Danza's breath! Who the hell would want this?
[Scene shifts to another house, the mailbox reads "Judith Light"]
Judith Light: [with a life-sized hay-stuffed doll with Tony Danza's face on it] Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. [kisses the doll, inhales] Hey!

Moses Griffin: All right, listen up. Before we go any further, I'm going to lay down a few rules, all right? Commandment number one: "Shut the hell up." Commandment number two: "There's nothing I can do about the sun." Commandment number three: "There are no more Jolly Ranchers; they're all gone." Commandment number four: "When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud." All right? Now come on, let's get going.
Jew 1: Oh, look at that! "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year."
Moses Griffin: What did I say?
Jew 2: "Hassle-Free Checking."
Moses Griffin: Damn it!
Jew 3: "Mancow in the Morning."
Moses Griffin: Shut up!

Meg: [as she is being pushed into the vent] I HATE YOU ALL!
Stewie: Hey, I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

Meg:, uh, is this like the part where you guys have your way with me?
Robber 1: What?
Meg: You know, where I'm like helpless, and you guys take know?
Robber 1: OH, NO! Oh, god! Oh, no, no no no no!
Robber 2: [from another room] What'd she say?
Robber 1: She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.
Robber 2: Ewww!
Meg: No seriously, I won't scream or anything.
[Meg leans in for a kiss]
Robber 1: No! No, I,, no sale!
Meg: [jumps on him] C'mon! I'm pretty!
[Robber 1 screams and hides behind robber 2, who has entered the room]
Robber 2: Are you okay?
Robber 1: Yeah, I was so scared.

[Cutaway scene is showing The Performance Artist as an African-American hanging from a gallows by his hands]
White Guy: [hits black man with whip] What's your name?!
Tōbì: Tōbì with an "i", with an accent over the "i" and a little line over the "o" so you know its a long vowel sound and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the "i" with a little smiley face or a heart or something. Something to brighten the reader's day.
White Guy: I asked you what your name was! [hits Tōbì with whip again]
Tōbì: Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.

Peter Hitler: Are you doing stuff?
Adolf Hitler: Yes.
Peter Hitler: Nazi stuff?
Adolf Hitler: Yes Peter, Nazi stuff.
Peter Hitler: Can I help?
Peter Hitler: Alright, alright, just chill. [goes to a nearby chair and sits, then starts slapping arm rests and makes sounds. He then takes a tape off Hitler's desk and uses it to tape his nose] Hey look, I'm Tojo. [sings Japanese music]
Adolf Hitler: [growls]
Peter Hitler: [looks through a drawer] Oh, ho, ho, ho, sweet. [makes gun sounds] That's what a gun sounds like.
Adolf Hitler: WILL YOU STOP THAT?!
Peter Hitler: Hey can I borrow 50 Marks?
Adolf Hitler: But what happened to the 50 Marks I gave you last week?
Peter Hitler: Oh come on, your girlfriend is not that cheap- OOOHH! HA HA HA, just kidding.

Peter: Since we're all gonna die, There is one more secret I feel I have to share with you. I did not care for The Godfather.
Lois: What?
Peter: Did not care for The Godfather.
Chris: How can you even say that, Dad?
Peter: Didn't like...didn't like it.
Lois: Peter, it's so good, i-it's like a perfect movie!
Peter: I-this is what everyone always says... Everyone says "Oh-"
Chris: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino... I mean, you never see- ROBERT DUVALL!
Peter: I know, I li-no-fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.
Brian: Why not?
Peter: Did not-couldn't get into it.
Lois: Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it?
Peter: It insists upon itself, Lois.
Lois: What?
Peter: It insists upon itself.
Lois: What does that even mean?
Chris: Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent!
Peter: It takes forever gettin' in, and you spend like-you spend like six and a half hours, and then-you know, I can't get through- I can't even finish the movie, I've never even seen the ending.
Stewie: Well-well, how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?
Lois: I agree with Stewie, it's not really fair.
Peter: I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I-I get to the scene when all the guys are sitting around on easy chairs-
Lois: Yeah, that's a great scene. I love that scene!
Peter: I have no idea what they're talking about, it's like they're speaking a different language-that's where I lose interest-
Lois: The language they're speaking is a language of subtlety, something that you wouldn't understand.
Peter: I love The Money Pit... That is my answer to that statement.
Lois: Whatever.
Chris: Yeah, I like that movie...

Joe: We captured the burglars.
Lois: Oh, thank God.
Joe: But unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter: Well that's good, I'm glad we're all safe.
Joe: Yeah, but Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois: Oh, thank you, Peter, for keeping up our spirits with your stories
Joe: Your daughter'ss a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a very long time.
Peter: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe: Okay, just take her away.
[Police officers take Meg away]
Peter: Have fun at the dance Meg! I hope she does, that kid really deserves it.

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story


Tricia Takanawa: Tom, tonight the stars are out for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?
Mayor Adam West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple, I take that one back. I'm going to hold on to that one.

[Lois falls out of the limo drunk]
Lois: [drunkenly] La-la-la-la Family Guy ...Heeey, everybody! [takes a drink of wine and laughs]
Peter: I am sorry, I am so sorry, there was booze in the car, I'm sorry.
Lois: WHOOOOOOOO! [laughs]
Peter: Oh, God, Lois, for Christ's sake, take it easy, will ya?
Lois: When I heard...when I heard that we were going to be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck, yeah!" [laughs]
Peter: God. Alright, okay, you know what, let's just try and walk straight here, huh? [he tries to guide her down the carpet, but she knocks over a camera and falls down on all fours] Lois, get up. Oh God, Lois, get up!
Lois: GET ON! [starts thrusting back and forth and laughs]
Peter: Get up! I am not gonna get on. I am not g- L-Lois, Lois, you get up!
Lois: Peter, Peter...
Peter: What?
Lois: [whispers] Get on...
Peter: Son of a bitch. I-I am really sorry, everybody! Uh... [Lois giggles, then vomits a little] Oh, God-oh! Alright, a-a-y-you know what, let's get inside. [picks her up and carries her off] Come on. Come on, come on. [he accidentally slams her head into a garbage can]

Tricia Takanawa: [to David Bowie] OH, MAKE LOVE TO ME, ZIGGY STARDUST!! [starts humping his leg] I TAKE YOU HOME! I MAKE YOU FISHBALL SOUP! FISHBALL!
[in the newsroom]
Tom Tucker: Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years.

Stewie B. Goode

[at Lackluster Video]
Peter: Yeah, well, uh, you know, I used to come into Sal's, uh, once or twice a week to, uh, rent movies from his, uh...back room? You know what I mean? The room for, uh...adults only? Catch my drift? The, know, the kind of movies where they're, uh, X-rated pornos and, uh, fully nude people fornicate for the camera and stuff comes out, get my meaning?

[at Lackluster Video]
Peter: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn; they think it's immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where exactly in the Bible does it say a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible is way too long to read!

Peter: Oh, I've been dying to get back on Television ever since I stopped hosting Family Feud.
[Cutaway to Family Feud; Peter walks up to a female contestant]
Peter: How are you, Betsy? Welcome to the show. You are a lovely young woman. [gives her a kiss on the cheek, then puts his hand up her shirt and feels one breast] And let me just get my hand up there and feel that one... [feels the other] ...and that one. And we're lookin for something you shop for at the mall. Three seconds.

Stewie: I'll tell you who was brave: Gandhi.
[Cutaway to a Comedy Club, where Ghandi is doing stand-up]
Mahatma Gandhi: ...And the black people* are always like, "Hey, bitch!", and the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way.
Man in Audience: Boo! You suck!

*On the televised version, Gandhi says "...and the Americans are always like, 'Hey, bitch!'"

Stewie: You know, that is a remarkable resemblance, Brad. You on your back in the water- you look like one of my STOOLS!
[DVD only]

Diane Simmons: In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.

Brian: Come on, what are you doing in there?
Stewie: I'm brushing my teeth!
Brian: [as he is opening the bathroom door] Come on, you only have like two of 'em, how long can it take?
[Brian walks in on Stewie shaving his body hair]
Brian: Oh, uh, you...doin' a little hair removal there?
Stewie: Oh, uh, yeah. know, feel free to say "no" to this but, uh... would you shave my coin purse?
Brian: [laughing] Oh...! Oh...! Oh, no! No way, man! Oh! H-Holy-freaking-God! Oh! [leaves]
Stewie: Huh. Don't have to be so uptight about it.

Stewie: Hell? Oh that's a bit much, don't you think? I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother, but who hasn't?

Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Huh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with-with your little outfits. Y'know? You're u-you're up there jumping around, and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So... y'know, what am I supposed to do? What do-what do-what do you want? Y'know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to-why-why you're leaping around there, throwing those things all up in, over there on my face? Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want! Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'. You want nothin'! All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and-and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is, i-is-is-is just bogus.
Lois: [watching at home] Oh, he is so right on. Women are such teases! That's why I went back to men.
Meg: [nervously] Okay, Mom, thanks for that. Um... see you later. [leaves]
Chris: [scoots closer to her] Go on...

Brian: [to a drunken Stewie] Uh, alright. Time for your nap. Don't worry Lois, I'll take him. Let's go.
[Brian drags Stewie into the living room]
Stewie: [drunkenly] God, what-why you-what the hell? Why are y-you drag-why are we in here? It's, uh, rude to the...other people.
Brian: You're drunk.
Stewie: You're sexy!
Brian: Listen, you have to stop this. Alright? No more drinking! I'm sorry I even put it in your head.
Stewie: I don't know-I don't even know what you're problem is. I've never felt better. [vomits on Brian] Okay, now I've never felt better.

Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

Stewie: [drunk; referring to olives] I can't believe you saved all those.
Brian: [drunk] Lo-Lois, Lo-Lo, you-you think Lois will like these?
Stewie: You love Lois!
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Uh, you know what? Uh, g-give me your keys.
Brian: Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm fi...I'm driving...I'm okay. What?
Stewie: Yeah-no, no, give me your keys. Give me your keys, you're too drunk. Peter, Meg, Brian, you're too-Brian, you're too drunk, to drive.
Brian: Uh, I-I, I a-am...uh, you're right. Here. H-here you go. [gives the keys to Stewie. They leave the bar. A moment later, we hear the car start, then it plows into the bar]
Stewie: [turns slowly to Brian] Shhhhh...

Diane Simmons: Now let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the Week.
Ollie Williams: WHO WANTS THIS DOG?!
Diane Simmons: Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My-" [Tom Tucker walks into the studio] Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story...and I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I did, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: ENABLE COOKIES?
Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: YOU WANT THIS DOG?
Tom Tucker: No thank you, Ollie.

Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? People from the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse... [station manager hands Peter a note] Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you something: You know what really grinds my gears? YOU, America! [points at camera] FUCK YOU! Diane?

Bango Was His Name Oh!

Wilford Brimley [on a TV commercial]: Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Peter: Hey, Lois, thought you might be in the mood for a classic! [he crawls toward Lois on a clothesline dressed as Spider-Man] [to the tune of the Batman theme] Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Here comes Peter on the clothesline, but his name's not Peter it is Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Come on Lois let's get busy, maybe in the garden right here, Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Touch my can with your hand, Spider-Man!
Lois: [laughs] Oh! Help, Spider-Man! I'm being attacked by the evil rose bush!
Peter: Oh, I'll save you, Mary Jane! [jumps on her; they make out]

Lois: We gotta get those kids out of the house once in a while. I mean, shouldn't they be dating?
Peter: Ah, that doesn't solve the problem, Lois. If they start dating, I mean, their-their rooms are right next to each other. They'll start having sex, we'll never get them out of the house, and-
Lois: No-no-no, you idiot, I'm talking about them dating other people.

Peter: [after Lois falls out of the tub] Oh, you're bleedin'? Yeah, you're bleedin'.

Brian: [looking at Quagmire's Winnebago] "Quagmire's Cross-Cuntry Tour". Uh, isn't there an "o" in "country"?
Quagmire: Nope!

Robot Stewie: Damn you, vile woman. Blast. What the deuce?
Robot Brian: I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything, including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Stewie: [to Quagmire, who's with a hooker] I suppose I'll go pump the chemical toilet. Apparently, you're about to do the same.

Lois: Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls! So I'll ask you again. What are the names of the women on Sex and the City? [camera zooms out to reveal Chris standing in a tub of water with his hands tied above him]
Chris: Uh...Carrie...Miranda...uh, Samantha...and...uh...Scrappy-Doo?
Lois: Hit him, Endo! [a man takes 2 sponges attached to electrical wire and touches them to Chris]
Chris: AH! AH! Uh, Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? AH! AHH-AH!

Brian: Are you alright?
Brian: You took pills?
Brian: Look, maybe you should slow down.
Brian: We're not even on the road.
Stewie: HUH?!
Brian: I said we're not even on the road!
Brian: Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert.
Brian: Alright, that's it! Give me the wheel!
Stewie: GO TO HELL!!

[Stewie is on an elevator. A man gets on]
Man in Elevator: [on the phone] Hey, yeah, I just checked in. Yeah, I might lose you, I just got in the elevator. Yeah, I'm gonna grab a shower. Did-did you guys eat yet?, I'll just take a cab. You got your car? Do you wanna pick me up? D-do you you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up?
[the elevator stops at a floor. Stewie walks out whistling. We see blood smeared on the elevator wall and the man's legs flailing around]


Peter: What the hell is this?
Brian: Well, it looks like an intermission. A chance to stretch the old legs.
Peter: Aw, man, I peed in this cup for nothing?
Chris: Oh, Dad, I just kicked over your coke.
Stewie: I look atrocious. Did you see my ass? Oh, my God!
Meg: This stinks! I can't believe they cut my whole sex scene. It was so tastefully done!
Lois: Hey Peter, could you go to the concession stand? I want something to suck on.
Quagmire: Giggity-giggity?
Cleveland: Hey, Quagmire, you think we got time to go outside and burn one?
Quagmire: Aw, you mean it's not over yet? How long is this thing?
Herbert: Chris, do you have a shower scene? Or do I have to keep dreamin'? Mmmmm...
Brian: Alright, we're back.

Stu and Stewie's Excellent Adventure

Stewie: [upon seeing Lois in the future] She's still alive?! What the hell, man?!

Chris: [referring to putting Peter and Lois in a retirement home] Well, I can't do it to them. They're my parents.
Vanessa: Don't you ever wanna inherit this house, you fat fuck? Or am I the only one who has any desire to move out from under the fucking power lines? What's that? Oh, it's cancer!
Chris: Can we please not do this in front of Pablo?
Vanessa: Oh, screw him! That fucking kid's from Guam. Probably only speaks Spanish or some shit.
Stewie: Let me tell you something, 'Nessa: A bullet sounds the same in every language, so stick a fucking sock in it, you cow!

Stewie: Don't be coy, you dirty horndog. You're humping* Fran. Tell me, how many times have we gotten into those Lane Bryant stretchpants?
Stu: What? Never!
Stewie: Damn right, never- what do you mean, "never"?
Stu: [sighs] Stewie, I've never slept with any woman. I've never had sex. [pause, then Stewie smacks him]
Stewie: All right, that's it! I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job, but now you're telling me I'm a 35-year-old Parade magazine reading virgin?! Well, you, sir, are pathetic! So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving until we do a complete overhaul on this sad thing you call "our life"!
Stu: Can I still read Parade?

*Changed to "nailing" on the televised version.

[Stu is changing Stewie and staring at his privates]
Stewie: All right, we've got a big day of overhauling your life ahead. First, we've got to fix up this apartment and- stop that.
Stu: What?
Stewie: Why are you staring at my genitals?
Stu: Well, look, I'm not allowed to tell you anything about your own future, but I will say this: Enjoy your left testicle while you can.
Stewie: What?!
Stu: I've said too much.
[Only on DVD]

Stewie: [to Stu] You listen to me, Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and... [reading from The Joy of Sex ] "insert your phall-us* into her vag-in-a." Go!

*Changed to "pen-is" on the televised version.

(after Stu has sex for the first time)
Stu: [nervously] I-I'm sorry, that's, um... that's never happened to me before.
Fran: [sarcastically] Which part- the eight seconds of sex or the forty minutes of crying?
Stu: Uh, I guess both. ...Do I give you money or something?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go. [leaves]

Joe: [with Bonnie's legs] Who wears short shorts? I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!

Stu: We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy. [Stewie grabs him by the eyelids]
Stewie: Never call them that again! It's Lois and the Fat Man! Do you hear me?
Stu: Yes, yes! [Stewie sniffs his hair]
Stewie: Smells like Head & Shoulders. But you don't have dandruff.
Stu: Exactly.
Stewie: Ahhh.


Tricia Takanawa: Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
Peter: Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
[Cutaway to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
Cleveland: Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
Peter: Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
Cleveland: Look, if you want me to fuck this chick I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit. You're showing a real ugly side, Griffin!
[Stewie walks in wearing a tribal skirt and a drum]
Stewie: Did I miss my cue?
[in the bar]
Peter: Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
[Cutaway to Lois sitting on the couch. Chris walks in]
Chris: [nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
Lois: [in a shakey voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
Brian: [in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table everytime he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!

Peter: Well, I had a couple of part-time jobs that didn't work out.
[Cutaway to Disneyland. A man holds up a Mickey Mouse suit whth a wet spot on the crotch]
Peter: What? I thought you could just go in the suit. You know, like the astronauts.
[Cutaway to Quahog Fire Station No. 5. A man holds up a fireman suit with another wet spot on the crotch]
Peter: What? I thought you could just go in the suit. You know, like the astronauts.
[Cutaway to Outer Space, where Peter and another man are floating]
Peter: Hey, uh, I gotta take a leak. [tries to take off his suit]
Man: Peter, i-if you open that suit, you'll die.
Peter: Right, right. What are you trying to do, get me fired? [he opens the suit, then gets sucked out. Peter then moans and floats away nude]

[on Inside the Actor's Studio]
Stewie: I think it would have to be..."fuck."
James Lipton: [laughs] And what is your favorite curse word?

Tricia Takanawa: Peter, is there anything else you want to say?
Peter: Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts. Everyone laughs]
Lois: [laughs] Oh, Peter.
Peter: Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffin's living room, where the scene is shown on TV]
Peter: That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again. Peter farts once more]

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