Family Guy/Season 5

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Stewie Loves Lois

Dr. Hartman: Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam!
Peter: No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.
[Cutaway to Peter in a college schoolroom, with his head down]
Peter: Damn it, this is too hard! [throws his pencil off the table] Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher! [walks up to his teacher, rips the test paper in half, rubs it against his butt and throws it on the floor]
Teacher: You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.
[Peter gasps and shakes hands with the teacher. He is then shown running across the college grounds until he runs into a flock of birds. He jumps with them and the scene freezes there]

[Peter pulls his pants and underpants down as Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove]
Peter: So, how's this work? You just feel my pulse, or wh-AAAAAAAHHHHHH! [screams, flailing and crashes a shelf] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.
Peter: Shut up, you had your finger in my ass!
Dr. Hartman: That's how a prostate exam is performed. Now if you'll just let me-
Peter: GET AWAY FROM ME! [runs out of the room crying, with only his pants around his ankles, then out of the hospital, then past Mayor West on a parking bench]
[brief silence]
Mayor Adam West: Ugh... get a tan.

Lois: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter I was raped.
Lois: [chuckles] What?
Peter: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois: [chuckles harder] W-what? [Peter whispers in her ear] Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men of your age.
Peter: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing]
Lois: Fucking idiot.

Peter: [in the bathroom, smearing make-up on himself and cutting chunks of hair out] Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore.
Chris: Is somebody in there?
Peter: [in a kind voice] Ocupado. [back to his angry tone] Filthy whore. You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

Peter: Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday and... he did things to my fanny! [cries]
Cleveland: Peter, it's okay.
Peter: It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!
Cleveland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts!
Peter: He... he did it to you, too?
Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig- for his sexual experimentation!
Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!
Peter: My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam". Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm gonna be really anal about this... sphincter.

Peter: [with his hand on Stewie's face] Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. [starts rubbing Stewie's nose with his finger] Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? [puts his finger in Stewie's mouth] There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

Stewie: Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!

Stewie: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: WHAT!?
Stewie: Hi. [runs off giggling]

[Lois awakens in horror after having a nightmare about trying to kill Stewie]
Lois: [gasping] Oh, my God... Oh, my God, what's happening to me?! I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater! I'M JUST LIKE BARBARA BUSH!!

Stewie: Lois, what's going on? I want to sleep in your room.
Lois: [puts Stewie in his crib] Oh, goodnight, sweetie. I love you. This for your own good. [leaves]
Stewie: Lois? Lois, get back in here! DAMN YOU, I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! GET BACK IN HERE! GET BACK IN HERE AND LOVE ME!! [takes out machine gun and shoots the ceiling] LOIS!!

Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Seamus: If it's gale-force peeing ye be doin' it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks.
Peter: Wait a minute. A-are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Seamus: Aye. And soon before your rudder jams with flotsam and you're dropping anchor without an order from the captain. How are you liking all these nautical puns?
Joe: Cute.
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.

Stewie: I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party?

Peter: You gotta help me, Dr. Hartman. I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate!
Dr. Hartman: Well, don't look at me! I lost my license thanks to you.
Peter: Look, I-I know what I did was wrong. [he and Hartman walk into the house] But you're the only one I can turn to. [takes his hat off] So, I'm asking you. As a man with no more options... will you take a look in my ass?
Dr. Hartman: [sighs] Despite everything that's happened, I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic Oath. Alright, drop your pants. [Peter pulls his pants and underpants down. Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove and inspects his prostate] Oh, well, this is nothing. Just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that?
Mr. Sulu: Hello...

Peter: And to think I actually thought you raped me.
Dr. Hartman: Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room.
Peter: What?!
Dr. Hartman: [points at Peter] Ehhhhhhhhhhh!
Peter: [points at Hartman] Ehhhhhhhhhhh! [audience claps]

Diane Simmons: We now return you to Robin The Boy Wonder.

[Cutaway to a car on a cliff with 4 females screaming]

Robin: Hey, no worry. I'm here.
Female Passenger #1: Robin? They sent you?!
Robin: Yeah. Everyone else is busy, so uhhh, they sent me.
Female Passenger # 2: What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers.
Robin: Uhh, I...got a cellphone. [looks at the cellphone]Ope, No barrrrs...

Brian: Stewie loves Lois.
Stewie: Brian loves Olympia Dunkakis
Brian: I really do.

Mother Tucker

Peter: Ah, this is boring. I'd rather be home watching that video from The Ring.
[Cutaway to Peter in the living room holding a video, with a woman]
Woman: Peter, don't! They say if you watch that video, you die.
Peter: Ah, that's a bunch of crap. [puts the video in the VCR as the woman runs away. The movie Mannequin plays. Shortly after, Peter is shown soulessly on the floor with a slightly deformed face]

Peter: W-wait, hang on a second, I never see you, and then you finally come visit me and you drop a bombshell like this? This is just like what happened at the Peanuts Reunion!
[Cutaway to the Peanuts characters, all adults now, dancing. Charlie Brown comes in with tattoos, piercings, and a hooker by his side. He shoves Schroeder, whose playing the Peanuts theme, off the piano]
Charlie Brown: Stupid song! What are you lookin' at? [silence] Yeah, it's me, your old punching bag, Charlie Brown. Everybody wish Snoopy was here? And Woodstock? Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock was here? Well, they're dead! And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk. That's right, he got it from me! [starts crying] I swear, I didn't know how strong it was! And now he's dead! They're both dead! I didn't give a crap about Woodstock, but Snoopy... [continues crying. The hooker tries to console him, but he pushes her away] Get off me, you skank! [they all stare at him]

Peter: I can't believe you left Dad.
Thelma Griffin: I have needs that he didn't satisfy, and I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is the new 74.

Brian: Hi there. I'm Brian Griffin, and you're listening to The Lunch Hour, serving up food for the mind. Today's entrée is politics. What's on your mind today? The governor's budget? Stem cell research? Give us a hot spoonful of your opinion. Okay, we have a question from Quahog. Caller, you're on The Lunch Hour. Can I take your order?
Stewie: [on the phone] Yes, uh, I'll have a big helping of the pretentious crap.
Brian: Whoa! [weak chuckle] Sometimes the, uh, crazy ones get through. Okay, we have Rose from Cranston on the phone. Welcome, Rose, can I take your order?
Stewie: [on the phone in a falsetto voice] Um, yes, that turkey...that raw turkey that you ate off the counter last week that got Lois mad... When you pooped that out, was the timer still in there?
Brian: And we're out of time. This has been The Lunch Hour. Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal. And remember, life is full of entrées, so don't fill up on bread.

Brian: [referring to Stewie] Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.
[Cutaway to Tim McCarver sportscasting]
Tim McCarver: In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game, that's how as bad they've been now.

[DVD deleted scene]
Stewie: I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of intercourse (and the fact of) your firm young body commingling withered flesh, sagging breasts and flabby buttocks, makes me want to vomit.

Brian: Alright, look, let's get one thing straight, Stewie. The only reason you're here is that my boss ordered me to bring you on. Alright? This is my show, and it's a serious intellectual hour of discussion, and I want to keep it that way.
Stewie: Hey, no problem.
Brian: Alright, in three, two, one! [on air] This is the lunch hour, with your host-
Stewie: HEYYYYYYYYYYY, WHAT'S UP, QUAHOG? From the station that reaches the beaches, you're listening to Dingo and the Baby! [presses a button]
Hip radio voices: [singing] Dingo and the Baby! 97.1, Quahog! [deep voice] OH, BABY! [burping noise, then farting noise]
Brian: What the hell are you doing? What-what the hell does that have to do with anything?
Stewie: Oh, they're just wacky sounds, you know, to liven things up! [presses another button]
Hip Radio Voices: D-I-N-G-O! [dog barks] [woman's voice] D-D-D-DINGO! DINGO! [hip voices] And the... [laughing baby voice] [woman's voice] BABY! [flushing noise] OHHHHHH, SEXY GIRLFRIEND!

Thelma Griffin: [on the phone] Hello?
Peter: Uh, hello, yes, this is...uh...this is Tom Tucker's personal physician, Dr. T and the Women. Um, could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready?
Thelma: Is this Peter?
Peter: Uh, no, it's, uh, uh, Lois. Uh, Lois, don't crank call my mother! I'm gonna have to pinch you for that! [starts pinching her]
Lois: Ow! Peter, Don't pinch me! [pinches him. they exchange a few more] Ow! Stop it! Ow!
Peter: Ow! Damn it! Cut it out! Maybe I'll tickle you, huh? How about that? [does so]
Lois: [laughing like crazy] No-no, don't! No! Stop! Cut it out! Stop it! I mean it! [seriously] I mean it! [grabs a frying pan and wacks Peter in the face. Blood runs down as he hisses and gasps like in Wasted Talent]
Lois: Well, I told you to stop.
Peter: I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan?!
Lois: I told you to stop!
Peter: I taste blood!!
Lois: Well, there's a lot of it.

Tom Tucker: I heard you like milkshakes.
Peter: Oh, boy, do I!
Tom Tucker: Let's go get ourselves a shake, huh?
Peter: Yeah!
Chris: I want to get a milkshake too!
Peter: Too bad. Go get your own father.

Sindy: [trying to catch a hot dog in her mouth] That one felt like my dad!
Hip Radio Voices: [singing] Incest in the morning! [deep voice] SUPRESSED MEMORIES! [normal voice] 97.1!

Brian: I'm more of a sellout than you were when you did those Butterfinger commercials.
[Cutaway to Stewie sitting on a park bench, holding a Butterfinger]
Stewie: Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. [mockingly] D'oh!

Peter: [as he watches Tom and Jake walk away] Huh, I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
Chris: Hey, Dad, you wanna play baseball?
Peter: Oh, my God, could you leave me alone? You are the neediest kid!

Peter: I want some ice cream.
Tom Tucker: No, Peter. You'll finish your food. [Peter moves his chair to the refrigerator] You...hey... Y-you get back here right now, mister. [Peter stands on the chair] D-don't you... Get down from the chair or you're in big trouble. [Peter gets the ice cream from the freezer] Y-You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. [Peter puts his chair back to the table] I'm not kidding around. I'm not going to say it again. [Peter tries to put a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth] Uh! If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're going to be in big trouble, young man. Duh...you...uh..uh... [whaps Peter on his buttocks several times]
Peter: [crying] I hate you! I hate you! I want my mommy!
Tom Tucker: Well, I'm the best you've got!

Hell Comes to Quahog

Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
Joe: No!
Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
Peter: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: [throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

Joe: Oh, Wow. Wow, if I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!

Quagmire: [to a skinny woman facing away from him] Hey, baby. How'd you like to share a pair of skates? [the woman turns around, revealing that she's actually obese]
Obese woman: Sure!
Quagmire: AHH, never mind! Boy, you look a lot better from the back!
Obese woman: You jerk! [turns around, making her look skinny again]
Quagmire: Oh, hey, baby, you wanna go somewhere-bu-bu-bu-bu-no-no, no-no, wait, wait, Quagmire, remember what's on the other side!

[after Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire skate in the disco]
Joe: That was awesome!
Peter: Oh, my God, that was completely by accident!
[Cut to them all getting into the car]
Peter: That was great fun, I don't even remember why we came but I had a ball.
Quagmire: I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow.

Peter: Hi, my daughter's looking for a car that goes with her personality.
Stewie: Yes, are the new bullimic cutting-mobiles in yet?

Brian: Look at all these Hummers. What kind of jerk would drive one of those?
[Cutaway shows a man in an Hummer]
Hummer driver: Dude, this car kicks ass! And I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! [cuts to the screen]
Alex the Lion: What kind of music do you like, Gloria?
Gloria the Hippo: Hippo hop! [dances around] Woohoo! Yeah, baby!
Hummer driver: [laughs] Dude, those animals are so f**king funny they make me want to merge without looking! [he swerves, causing the car behind him to crash into a tanker truck and explode] Yeah, Rumsfeld!

Meg: I love it! Dad, this is the car!
Peter: Ah-da-da-hang on a second, Meg. What can you tell me about this one?
Sleazy salesman: Oh, that's just an old tank I use for those commercials where I "declare war on high prices". Now, about that sedan-
Peter: Aba-ah-ah-ah hang on there, slick. Now I see your game. We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away. Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot. Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank!
Sleazy salesman: [pause; then smirks] Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further.
Peter: That's more like it. Tell me, what are the tank's safety features?
Sleazy salesman: What a good-looking question. Three inches of reinforced steel protects your daughter from short-ranged missile attacks.
Peter: I see. And does the Sedan protect against missiles?
Sleazy salesman: It does not.
Peter: Ah, you hear that, Meg? Yeah, it does not protect against missiles. See, these-these are the questions. This is why I'm here.
Brian: Peter, you can't be serious. This is a thirty-ton war machine!
Peter: Ah, I'm still not sure...
Sleazy salesman: Did I mention the tank is a tank?
Peter: Sold!

Lois: [upon seeing the tank] BOCCE BALLS!

[The gun of the tank shoots Cleveland's house to show Cleveland taking a bath. The floor under it starts to tip]
Cleveland: WHAT THE HELL!? No, no, no, no, NO, NO! [the bath falls off the floor and breaks] Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? [the gun fires and blows the towel rack down to Cleveland] Thank you.

Lois: Oh, my God, it's hot! Brian, did you turn off the air conditioner?
Brian: Just open a window. Air conditioners are harmful to the ozone layer.
Lois: Ugh, Brian, please. Save your hippie B.S. for the winter months, okay?
[Stewie walks in]
Stewie: Hey, Brian, I'm not going to recycle this aluminum can. I'm just going to throw it in the trash. [does so, then goes outside. Brian pretends not to care, then after a moment, he goes and moves the can to the recycling bin]
Stewie: [comes back in] HA! You're Earth's bitch!

Meg: Well, I don't care! 'Cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car!
Chris: Hey, Meg, I'll pay you a dollar a day to smell my sneakers! [laughs and dances around the living room for about 20 seconds, then suddenly stops] Oh, I peed and pooped.

Brian: Giant megastores like Superstore USA are ruining this country. They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits.
Stewie: Oh, yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Hmm?
Brian: Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical.
Stewie: Yeah, right. You hate all mega-stores ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of K-Mart.
[Cutaway to K-Mart, where Brian is putting away a shopping cart. A special boy in a padded helmet approaches him and starts petting him heavily, knocking him down]
Special boy: Doggy!
Brian: Ow.
Special boy: Doggy!
Brian: Ow!
Special boy: Doggy!
Brian: Too hard!
Special boy: I like doggy!
Brian: Too hard!
Special boy: Doggy!
Brian: Gonna bite!
Special boy: Doggy!
Brian: Gonna bite!
Special boy: Dogg- [Brian bites him; the boy starts sobbing loudly]
Brian: Ah, jeez.

Peter: Aw, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws!
[Cutaway to Peter walking down the street. He is stopped by 7 Tom Brokaws]
Tom Brokaw 4: Looks like someone's a little lost.

Lois: So how was work today, Meg? [Peter blows a raspberry with his tongue] Ugh. Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg. [Peter "farts" again] And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg". [Peter "farts"]
Brian: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? [Peter "farts"]
Chris: [laughs] MEG! [Peter "farts"] MEGGGGGGG! [Peter "farts" for about a full second] MEG MEG MEG MEG MEG MEG MEG! [Peter "farts" seven times in a row] [whispers] Meg... [Peter "farts" softly]

Peter: Take that for stealing jobs from hard-working people! [throws eggs at Meg]
Meg: [screams] Dad, what the hell are you doing?!
Peter: We got a message for you: "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!"
Brian: Uh, actually, Peter...
Peter: Gattaca! Gattaca!

Peter: [wearing a Superstore USA smock] You are trespassing on private property and I must ask you to leave.
Brian: What, are you out of your mind!? [the gang of Tom Brokaws appears behind Peter]
Tom Brokaw 2: Leave this lot, losers.
Tom Brokaw 5: Unless you want a licking.
Tom Brokaw 1: And we'd love to deliver that licking, right, fellas?
Tom Brokaw 2: Yeah!
Tom Brokaw 3: Love it!
Tom Brokaw 6: A lot!
Tom Brokaw 5: I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer.

Peter: Meg, Meg, I promise I'll do better at this job than I did on the SAT's.
[Cutaway to a classroom. The camera pans past other students using calculators, up to Peter, who looks around, then pulls out a little Asian boy and pokes him a bit]
Peter: Come on... do math.

Man: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find assault rifles?
Meg: Aisle six.
Man: How about a list of known local homosexuals?
Meg: Aisle four.

Mr. Penisberg: [to Meg] What's more important to you? Your job or your family? And don't pick the obvious one.

Meg: Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but... you're a fat ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks. But, you're also my father, and you're the only one I'll ever have. So I'm not gonna fire you. Mr. Penisberg, I quit.
Peter: "Penisberg"?!
Mr. Penisberg: Yeah, yeah, get it all out of your system.

Lois: Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? [Peter makes the fart sound with his tongue]
Chris: Hahahaha! MEG! [Peter "farts"] MEG! [Peter "farts"] MEG! [Peter "farts" again, but his mouth doesn't move this time]
Peter: Uh-oh... Pardon me... [gets up and leaves]

Saving Private Brian

Mickey Rooney: [sitting in a chair] Hi, I'm former biggest star in the world, Mickey Rooney! And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane! I like to yell at mice with my shirt off! [cutaway to Mickey Rooney kneeling over a mouse in the kitchen with his shirt off, yelling only when it tries to take a bite of a crumb] AHH!! AHH!! [cutaway to Mickey Rooney running up to a man wearing shorts with a scab on his leg] Sometimes I like to steal other people's scabs! [Mickey Rooney rips it off and starts running] AHH!! AHH!! [cut back to him sitting in his chair] How do I stay so crazy? Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch and, before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, poopin' in the chimney! [cutaway to Mickey Rooney with his pants down sitting on the chimney] Hold out your stockings, kids!

Lois: Chris, you can't join the Army, you're too young. Besides, the Army's weak. Now the Marines - those are the men you wanna f--k.
Peter: Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food and all the brown people you can rape.

Brian: I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris to serve in the military.
Stewie: Ah, yes. The bottom 10% of our high school class is off to fight another battle.
Brian: You stole that from The Onion.
Stewie: What?
Brian: You stole that. I read that in The Onion. About the war in Iraq.
Stewie: Well, if that's true, then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at the, uh... W-w-what is it again? The Onion?
Brian: So, if I go up to your room right now, I'm not going to find a copy of The Onion, right?
Stewie: No. [Pause, but then Brian pretends to get up. Stewie tries to run, but slips on his food and falls off his high chair] OW!! DAMN IT!!
Brian: That's what I thought.

Brian: It's just wrong for the military to mess with kids' minds. They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was.
[cutaway to Dr. Katz's office; Peter is on the couch]
Peter: Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just wanna punch her in the face, she's really annoying.
Dr. Katz: Uh-huh, all right, let's explore that.
Peter: What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something.
Dr. Katz: I believe I'm having some sort of seizure.

Army recruiter: Congratulations, you are both in the army.
Brian: We're both in - what? That's ridiculous!
Vern: I'll tell you what's ridiculous: the Kaiser. Somebody should put him on a roll. [singing and dancing] Over, we're comin' over, and we won't come back 'til it's over, over there. Commercial! [Nothing happens] Damn! Play me some filler, Johnny. [Johnny starts playing while Vern dances around, then Stewie shoots both of them]
Stewie: [to the audience] Okay, they're dead, all right? We're not gonna be seeing them again.

[Chris jumps off the stage, causing the floor to break. He falls into a basement to see Adam West playing poker with some dogs]
Chris: Mayor West?
Mayor Adam West: Quiet, young man, can't you see we're having a poker game? Now, I'll ask again: if I order a pizza, will anyone else have some?
Mark: I might have a slice.
Mayor Adam West: Well, you know, I'm going to need more of a commitment than that, Mark.

[about Brian leaving the army]
Stewie: You can't leave, man, that's desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach. [pause, but there's no cutaway] Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope? Okay. Uh-uh, you can't leave, Brian...

Stewie: All right, you can do this, Brian. Come on, pray with me. [bows his head] Dear Lord... just stay out of our way. Okay, good luck.

[Chris is practising with his gothic band in the garage. Peter and Lois approach]
Lois: Chris, will you knock that off for two minutes? We want to talk to you.
Chris: [to the guys from band] Take five, guys. [to Peter and Lois] What do you buttheads want?
Lois: You've been playing with your friends long enough. Now it's time for you to come inside and do your homework.
Chris: It's time for you to piss off, redhead.
Lois: What?!
Peter: Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way.
Chris: Oh, way to stand up for your woman there, fatty.
Lois: Chris, what the hell is going on with you lately? Ever since you hooked up with this band you're like a completely different person, and I don't like it one bit.
Chris: I am expressing myself! Now get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter. [he gets to the motorcycle driven by Herbert and they drive off.]
Peter: What the hell is his problem?
Lois: I don't know. He's acting worse when you did when you tried to cover your farts by coughing.
[cutaway to the PTA meeting]
Woman: Okay, welcome to the PTA meeting. On the subject of school lunches, I know there's been some concern about nutrition...
[Peter coughs and farts at the same time. Many people in the room look at him]
Woman: ...we've had complaints about the soda machines...
[Peter coughs and farts again]
Woman: ...and I have spoken with the school board...
[Peter coughs and farts again]
Woman: [sighs] Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?
Peter: Um... [synchronizing his voice with fart] Nooooooo... No. No, I'm good. [coughs and farts again]

Lois: You know I think I may have an idea what's causing his behavior, Peter? Look at all this stuff
[Picks up Wu-Tang Clan CD case]
Egh, Listen to these lyrics,
"I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches,
I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits."
Peter: Oh look, they got a translation for white people:
"I give 110% when it comes ot helping my community,
Even though I occasionally associate with some less than reputable characters."

Lois: What the hell? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?
Peter: Yeah, it's all him or her's fault. Who does he or she think he or she is? Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe.
Lois: There's only one thing to do.
Peter: You're right. We got to find this Marilyn Manson and I got to give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Brian: All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get us kicked out.
Stewie: Right. We've just got to convince them we're not army material. Ready?
Brian: All right, let's do it. [they start making out, complete with a few moans]
Stewie: [loudly so others can hear] Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay, with my gayness!
Brian: Me too! I'm... I'm a homo!
[Another soldier walks up to them as they continue making out]
Gay soldier: [effeminately] Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah! [Brian slaps him]

Stewie: Alright, last resort. We get shot and go home with Purple Hearts. Shoot me in the foot.
Brian: What? Shoot yourself in the foot.
Stewie: No, they can tell by the angle.
[They both pull out a pistol]
Stewie: Alright on three... one... two... three!
[They both fire and Brian gets shot in the foot]
Brian: AHHHHHH!
Stewie: Hmm, I think you missed me.
Brian: Okay, I'll try again.
Stewie: Hell no, that looks like it really hurts!
Brian: Of course it hurts! You just shot me! Now, stand still.
[Brian starts chasing Stewie around, while shooting at him]
Stewie: NO, I CHANGED MY MIND!
[Stewie stops, then covers his foot with his hands, as if it was shot]
Stewie: Ow, ow. I think you got me.
Brian: Let me see it.
Stewie: No, it's gross.
Brian: LET ME SEE IT!
Stewie: No, no. Ow.
[Brian shoots Stewie's foot]
Stewie: AAAHH! OKAY, THAT WAS REAL!

[Brain and Stewie hop on one foot to a military officer after getting their feet shot.]
Stewie: Hey, I'm Private Stewie and this is Private Brian. Um, we just got shot in the foot, and we were hoping that you'd give us and honerable discharge and send us back to the states.
Officer: Getting shot doesn't send you back anymore. We pretty much take what we can get. I mean we got two dead guys guarding the ammunition. [cutaway to two dead soldiers in front of the ammunition room, then back to Brian and Stewie] Sorry guys, you're here until the job is done.

[After they hear the war is over]
Stewie:Amazing! You know, there's only one man in the world with the vision to predict something like this.
[Cutaway to President George Bush sitting on stairs in the White House with a Slinky. He starts the slinky, but it stops. He tries again, and it begins to slink down the stairs]
Bush: Laura! LAURA!!

Whistle While Your Wife Works

[opening theme song]
Lucky there's a Family Guy,
Lucky there's a man who,
Positively can do,
All the things that make us- [Peter falls down the steps, knocking over Meg and Lois, then he lands on one of the backup dancers]
Peter: Ah! Ow! Damn it!
Lois: Peter, are you all right?!
Peter: No, no, I think you should call somebody!
Brian: Ma'am, are you all right?
Backup dancer: I can't... breathe... [passes out]
Brian: Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung!
Peter: Ah, damn it! Look at my foot! [removes his right shoe] It's already startin' to swell up. God, I'm lookin' forward to this week. Freakin' swelled foot all week.
Stewie: [to camera] You know, we should-we should, you should, probably go ahead and shut that off.

[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Peter: Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Busting-Mega-Ultra-Super..." [The firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground.] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! AAHHHHHH!!! [Peter holds up his fingerless hand to everyone.] HOLY CRAP!!!
[Peter, Lois, Quagmire, Chris and Meg all scream]
Lois: OH, MY GOD!! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!!
[Joe approaches Peter]
Joe: What happened...? [sees Peter's hand] OH, MY GOD!!
Stewie: [very calmly] You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out of juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.

Stewie: [referring to Jillian] When do I get to meet her?
Brian: No, no. No way.
Stewie: Oh, I see, I get it - she's hideous.
Brian: She is not hideous.
Stewie: Oh, well, let me ask you something: does she have an alibi?
Brian: For what? Why would she need an alibi?
Stewie: So, you're saying she does not have an alibi?
Brian: Well, no.
Stewie: Okay, so, we've established [starts singing] she ain't got no alibi, she UGLY! She UGLY! [starts dancing] U-G-L-Y, she ain't got no alibi, she UGLY!
Brian: Screw off! [leaves]
Stewie: [continues singing and dancing] M - she's major ugly, O - she's fat and pugly, O - my God, no, the cow says "moo"!

Stewie: Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her?
Jillian: Oh, my God, Brian, I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler - [gasps] somebody should stop him!
Stewie: [to Brian] Are her parents brother and sister?
{Adult Swim version)
Stewie: [to Brian] Is she retarded?

Stewie: No, I want to know, Brian. What specifically do you talk about?
Brian: Uh, a lot of things, Um... food, um... the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta, um... Real World/Road Rules Challenge...
Stewie: You hate MTV!
Brian: Pot helps.

[on the phone with Jillian; Stewie is in the room]
Brian: [in hushed voice] Hey. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, you gotta hit, uh, "DVD" and then "Menu" and then "Select". Yeah. Yeah, The DVD needs to be face up when you put it in. Uh-huh. You should be able to see the words Mr. 3000. Yeah. Still nothing? Is it plugged in? Okay, so plug it in. Okay. Y-you got it? Is it-uh, okay. All right. No-no prob-all right. I... love you too, Jilly-bean. Okay. [hangs up; to Stewie] What?
Stewie: Nothing, I didn't say anything.

Jillian: Hey, you wanna know something cool? I threw up a lot in high school, so I don't get my period anymore!
Lois: Wow, this is the one you've been waiting for, huh, Brian? [starts laughing] Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian?!
Brian: All right, you know what, Lois? Don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they're alone.
[Cutaway to Jillian's; Brian is on the bed while she puts on her earrings]
Jillian: Come on, let's go out dancing.
Brian: I don't know, I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow.
Jillian: I just really wanna go danc- [Brian shines a flashlight on the wall; she gasps] There it is again! What is that? [she chases it around the wall like a cat]

Stewie: So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security? Do you think we should support what the president is doing?
Jillian: Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us, and "truthishly", we should just accept that.
Brian: Okay, good night, everyone. [walks Jillian to the door]
Stewie: Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget: do you know what the capital of this state is?
Jillian: Um, Rhode Island City? [Brian slams the door behind him and Jillian]
Stewie: [laughing] It's like she's f--king five!

[Peter trying to get Lois to have sex with him in his office]
Lois: [sighs] All right. If I give you thirty seconds of making out, will that shut you up?
Peter: We'll see where it goes.
[Lois sighs again, then they start making out. Lois starts out uninterested and lifeless, then she starts enjoying it, and gets into it more. They eventually wind up on the floor behind the desk]
Lois: Oh God, you know, this is pretty hot...
Peter: Yeah. What'd I tell ya, huh? [they moan a little, then emerge from behind the desk in their underwear]
Lois: Oh God, Peter, let's do it! Let's do it right here, RIGHT NOW!
Peter: Lois, Lois, wait, wait... [camera pulls out to reveal Opie standing nearby] Opie's right there.
Lois: [lustfully] I want him to look, Peter... [They continue. Opie yelps and waves his arms around, then flees]

Stewie: All right, Brian, you can do this. You can dump her. Because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?
Brian: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh, damn it, now I'm doing it too!
[Brian goes inside and knocks on her door. Jillian opens it wearing only a bath towel]
Jillian: Oh, hey, Oogie! Ooh, you look tense.
Brian: Well, uh, Jillian, there's... something we need to talk about.
Jillian: What is it? [takes her towel off and dries her hair with it]
Brian: I, uh... just wanted to spend some time with you? [goes inside]
[Later, in the car, Brian comes back]
Stewie: [half-asleep] Huh? Mmm... [looks at watch] What the hell? It took you three hours to break up with her?
Brian: Uh... not exactly.
Stewie: Well, what were you doing in there? [sniffs] What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
Brian: Yep.
Stewie: Life's confusing when you get older, isn't it?
Brian: Uh-huh.
Stewie: Can we listen to my mix CD?
Brian: Sure. Go ahead.
Stewie: [to the tune of Gary Numan's "Cars]"
Brian had sex
With a really dumb girl
Now he's taking his friend Stewie
To get some ice cream
In his car - [Brian shuts off the music] Oh, you're a poor sport.

Prick Up Your Ears

Announcer: We now return to Rodney King of Queens.
Woman: Rodney, did you take out the trash?
Rodney King: Um... I forgot. [pause, then the woman starts beating him with a rolling pin]
Mayor Adam West: [laughs] Oh, no she di-in't! [doorbell rings. He answers it]
Pizza delivery man: Pizza for Adam West.
Mayor Adam West: [lifts the top of the pizza box] NO! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon? This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat launcher! [grabs a bag of cats and shoots them at the man using a crossbow]

Lois: [hearing that Chris' school doesn't have Sex ED] What?! Well, that's crazy! Without Sex ED, kids can wind up sexually confused. Just look at Michael Jackson.
[Cutaway to young Michael Jackson eating Frosted Mini-Wheats]
Young Michael: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
[Shows present-day Michael]
Grown Michael: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: [hearing about Lois teaching Sex ED at Chris' school] Hey, you could really make a difference. Like I did when I taught money management to those drug addicts.
[Cutaway to Peter teaching Money Management]
Peter: There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money. For example, you're all shootin' up, why not share needles? That's a no brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. My second piece of advice have as many kids as you can, cause it makes it more likely that one of those kids'll grow up and make it big in Hollywood. Then who's paying the bills, huh? Hollywood kid. Class dismissed.

Brian: Don't worry about it. I'm sure it'll be a while before you lose another tooth.
Stewie: I can't wait for that. I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy. [Brian turns his face to the camera, and the scene freezes]
Announcer: If you want Brian to say "Well, that'll be a stretch", text-message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say "I'm not touching that one", text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say "Arriba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. [elevator music plays] Thanks for voting.
Brian: Arriba! [starts dancing around a sombrero and clapping with the music]

Peter: [reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything!

[Fox version]
Peter: From now on, I too will be "obstinent".
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter: Absent.
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter: You're grounded.
[Adult Swim version]
Peter: From now on, I too will be abstinent. I'll be as untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman's car.
[Cutaway to an Asian woman driving]
Asian woman: How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck, everybody else! [cuts across eight lanes, causing four cars, a truck and a gas tanker to crash; tanker explodes]

Herbert: [sleeping] Mmm, I'd love to dance, Fred Savage. Mmm...

Lois: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace! [Lois is dressed in a Grimace costume] Ya got some hamburgers I can steal, huh?
Peter: Lois, the Hamburglar steals hamburgers. Grimace is Ronald McDonald's autistic friend. [in Adult Swim and the DVD he says 'Retarded' instead of 'autistic']

Lois: [after catching Meg having ear sex with her new boyfriend] Oh... my... God! You kids were doing it... in the ear!
[Brian comes in, wearing a robe and holding a plate with a sandwich on it]
Brian: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter: [offscreen] Yeah, it's been on my crotch!*

On Adult Swim and the volume 5 DVD set, Peter's line is "Yeah, it's been on my penis"


Lois: [explaining sex to Meg] Look, Meg, A: Ear sex is just unnatural, and B: How do I say this? Vaginal intercourse is... it's just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg! Oh, when you rattle it around just right - oh, my God! I mean, remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose? Meg... Meg? [camera pans out to reveal that Meg is gone; Brian is standing in the doorway]
Brian: I love you.

Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom. It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan: "Once you go black, you go deaf".

Stewie: An entire week and still no teeth. And it turns out these teeth I got from the old man are phony. [puts the dentures in his mouth] Brian, Brian, look. I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it.

[Stewie hears someone vomiting in the bathroom]
Stewie: What the hell is that?
Brian: Ah, it's Jillian. She's, uh... s-s-she has this eating disorder. She's bulimic.
Stewie: My God, that's horrible!
Brian: I know, it really is. I mean, her hair is falling out, last week she lost a tooth...
Stewie: [delightfully] Really?
Brian: But man, I'll tell you, all that purging just makes her body look fantastic. I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and so many of them just look so great. [Jillian continues to vomit] Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.

Jillian: I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Steve.
Stewie: Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base, see how everything - it's "Stewie", by the way - just to check in, make sure everything is going well with you and Brian.
Jillian: It's going kickass!
Stewie: Well, you look fantastic. Got some meat on your bones, which is great.
Jillian: What?
Stewie: Oh, just saying you look jolly, like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa.
Jillian: Oh, my God, are you saying I'm fat?
Stewie: No, I'm saying Santa's thin - GET IN THERE AND THROW UP!

[in the bedroom; the lights are off]
Lois: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around?
Peter: Lois, you know I'm abstinent.
Lois: Oh, come on, can't you break your stupid pledge for one night?
Peter: Well, I guess we do both have needs. [they start getting busy] Mmmm...
Lois: Oh, Peter... mmm. Peter! Wait, what are you doing? Wha-what the hell? What are you doin'?! Peter! [light turns back on. Peter is wrapped around her head naked] What the hell is wrong with you?!
Peter: This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent.
Lois: [pushes him away] That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not.
Peter: [child-like] NO!
Lois: I wasn't askin' your permission. [moves closer to him, Peter throws the lamp at her; she knocks it away, pounces on him and procedes to rape him. All we can see is him pulling away and hear Lois grunting]
Peter: No! No! No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord! NO! NOOOO! [crying] AHHH! NO! Ahhhh - oh, now I see what you're drivin' at.

[after sex]
Peter: Oh, that was fantastic. Hey, where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter: What?

[after Stewie "unintentionally" traps Brian with his floor sensors]
Brian: Ugh. Stewie, what the hell?! Get me down from here!
Stewie: [Aiming a shotgun at Brian] No way, man! How do I know you're not the Tooth Fairy in disguise?!
Brian: Your middle name is Gilligan.
Stewie: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Brian: You think my girlfriend's a moron.
Stewie: SO DOES EVERYONE!
Brian: You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet.
Stewie: Okay. [lets Brian go]

Announcer: If you want to hear Lois' speech, text-message FAMGUY1. If you want to hear Meg talk about her day, text FAMGUY2. If you want to give Cleveland his first line of the episode, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. [elevator music] Thanks for voting! [Cleveland pops up in the window]
Cleveland: Hey, y'all. Sock it to me!

Chick Cancer

TV jingle: Tasty Juice, drink it, then convert it to pee!

Stewie: I'll humiliate her worse than Luke Skywalker did to that rebel pilot.
[Cutaway]
General: The exhaust shaft is only two meters wide, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes.
Rebel pilot: But that's impossible, even for a computer!
Luke Skywalker: It's not impossible, I used to bulls-eye womprats in my T-16 back home; they're not much bigger than two meters.
Rebel pilot: Hey, uh... could I talk to you privately for a second?
Luke Skywalker: Sure.
[The two get up and walk away from the crowd]
Rebel pilot: That, uh... That was unnecessary.
Luke Skywalker: What's the problem?
Rebel pilot: Well you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there.
Luke Skywalker: I was just making a point...
Rebel pilot: I know, I know, but you like, just kinda sandbagged me in front of everyone we know.
Luke Skywalker: Oh, oh, I "sandbagged" you?
Rebel pilot: In front of all of our friends, yeah, you sandbagged me.
Luke Skywalker: I "sandbagged" you.
Rebel pilot: You sandbagged me, yes.
Luke Skywalker: Well here I am trying to help you-
Rebel pilot: You know what? You know what? You know what? I don't need your kind of help, alright? Have a great assault, jerk. [walks away. Luke shrugs as the theme song to "Curb Your Enthusiasm" plays]

Lois: Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano. Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarassed me in front of Sandra Oh.
[Cutaway to a coffee house]
Lois: Oh, my God! Sandra Oh! [nervous laugh] We loved you in Sideways.
Sandra Oh: Thank you.
Peter: [explanatory tone] WE SEE YOU IN MANY MOVIES. I THINK ABOUT YOU WHILE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE. [pulls out one dollar bill] I THANK YOU WITH ONE DOLLAR. [to Lois] That's a lot of money to them.
[Back in the theater]
Peter: Lois, I'm just warning you. If this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy, "maybe-they-are-maybe-they-are-not" gay guys, I mean those big, "Oh-my-God-here-they-come-floating-around-making-noise" gay guys. Not the "fix-up-your-house" gay guys.

[during the movie, Peter is crying, and sitting with his legs on the seat; his eyes glued to the screen]
Autumn: I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me.
Peter: [crying] Noooo! Why?! Why?! She chose the piano over her insulin! You could have had both! [sobs loudly, then stands up and gives the movie a standing ovation]

Store owner: And now, TV's Olivia Fuller will cut the ceremonial ribbon.
Olivia Fuller: I hope I'm allowed to do this. My mommy says "Don't run with scissors!".
[Everyone laughs and claps]
Man: She's so cute! I love children! Look at my kids! [pulls out his wallet and smacks the guy next to him in the face with it repeatedly; both of them grinning]
Olivia Fuller: [cuts the ribbon] So everyone feel free to browse, and purchase from our fine selection. Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance!
[Everyone laughs; the man from before repeatedly smacks the guy next to him again with the pictures, knocking him over, even drawing blood; both are still grinning]

[Jillian arrives for a date]
Brian: Hi, Jillian!
Jillian: Hi, Brian! Ready to go?
Stewie: [wearing Brian's hair on his chest, underarms and on his privates under his diaper] Hey, baby!
Jillian: Hi, Stewie!
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie: Eh, not much really. Just me and my pubes... haaaaangin' out.
Brian: Oh, dear God!
Stewie: Boy, I am so beat from doin' adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie: [stretching] I just feel like kickin' it tonight. [a pair of fuzzy dice falls out of his diaper] Oh! Look at that, I'm growin' all the time.
Brian: Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute? [she leaves]
Stewie: You ever just let your balls hang out, "B-ri"? You ever do that, "B-roni"? Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was "Bri"?
Brian: Give me my hair back. [rips it off of Stewie]

Brian: [to Stewie] You wanna know how to get women? There's only one place in town you need to observe.
[Outside Quagmire's house]
Brian: Just watch.
Woman: [running out of his house] I am not doing that, Glenn!
Quagmire: Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind.
Woman: You're a sick man!
Quagmire: Hey, keep it down! I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
Woman: Whore?! Well, maybe I should come inside. [does so]
Quagmire: Well, maybe you should.

Stewie: Hey, babe, what do ya say, we goin' out Saturday night?
Olivia Fuller: Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie: Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into: being ugly.
Olivia Fuller: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would have said "Oh, hey Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia. You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta, because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash". [Olivia starts crying] So, I'll pick you up at seven?
Olivia Fuller: [while sobbing] That sounds wonderful. [Stewie leaves]
Stewie: She said yes! My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials.
[Cutaway to Chester Cheetah's apartment. He pours Cheetos cheese puffs on his glass coffee table, cuts them up with a razor blade, and snorts them like cocaine while listening to Rush's Tom Sawyer]
Chester Cheetah: Ah! OH, GOD! THERE IS NO F*****G DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEIL PEART!! [punches table, cutting himself] [in his trademark deep voice] It ain't easy bein' cheesy.

Peter: Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equalled only by your sense of love!
Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

[In a small playhouse, Stewie and Olivia are pretending to be married]
Stewie: Uh, what's for dinner?
Olivia: [reaches behind her to grab the Play-Doh Fun Factory machine] Play-Doh spaghetti.
Stewie: Oh...
Olivia: What?
Stewie: No, no, it's... it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night. [under his breath, looking away] And that's all we had last night...
Olivia: [annoyed] Well, what does that mean?
Stewie: Oh I don't know, Olivia, uh, maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage. We have yet to have sex!
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie: That's not the point, uh, don't change the - it's a kind of cake?
Olivia: Look, can we just drop this and have a normal pretend dinner?
Stewie: Fine, fine. Ugh, somedays I think it was easier being Q*bert's roommate.
[Cutaway to a level of Q*bert, consisting of a pile of blocks. Stewie is sleeping on one of them. Q*bert hops down the blocks past Stewie, lighting them up along the way]
Stewie: God, it's all night with this guy. Hey, if you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill!

[Stewie and Olivia arriving late to dinner with Brian and Jillian]
Stewie: Sorry we're late, everyone, but JonBenét here took forever with her make-up.
Olivia: Ah, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheap-o here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheels, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot, but to his credit it's a great spot to get mugged.
Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh wouldn't that be a shame, if they took all my money in both our wallets.

Stewie: Well if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!
Man: [offscreen] Hey can you keep that kid quiet?
Stewie: Oh, oh, oh, what's that? What's that sir? What's that, uh, uh I'm, I'm sorry am I being too loud for you? You want to come over here and quiet me down?
Olivia: Oh, let's not do this.
Brian: Oh, God! Stewie, come on.
Jillian: I'm scared.
Stewie: No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir, do you feel strong? You want to come over here?
Man: No, I want to stay here and have my steak.
Stewie: Oh, yeah?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: What is that, the Porterhouse?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: How is it?
Man: What do you care?
Stewie: If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?
Man: Yeah, I would.
Stewie: [cheerfully, to the rest at his table] Well, I know what I'm getting!

Brian: Hey, where's Olivia?
Stewie: Oh, she's probably up at the house.
Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [annoyed] I know.
Brian : No Stewie, Stewie.... It's not your fault.
Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you, man.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: Screw you, cut it out, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [hugs Brian; cries] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard! [cries]
Brian: Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You wanted to see you as an adult- well, this is adulthood.
Stewie: You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian: Well, you'd be a black man.
Stewie: Wow! Wow! Whoa, what was that?
Brian: Ahh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that was my father talking.
Stewie: You uh... you gotta work on that man. Bad dog.

Stewie: Idea for a farce: cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive.

Brian: So what happened?
Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Woman, Brian- what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know wha- why don't guys just do that?
Brian: They do, it's called being gay.
Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

Barely Legal

Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: EGGO!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

[after Peter steals a giraffe from the zoo]
Lois: Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done. You can't just break the law!
Peter: Sure I can, I've been doing it all week. Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of Cockney pickpockets.
[Cutaway]
Peter: [talking to 5 poor-looking kids] All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now, go get him!
[The kids run up to Herbert and start patting him down]
Herbert: [sarcastically] Oh, no! There's no police here to help me! [seductively] I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh...

[the giraffe has his head inside Quagmire's window]
Quagmire: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. That-w-what-hey, hey, hey! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!
[The giraffe backs away into Cleveland's house to show Cleveland taking a bath like in "Hell Comes to Quahog". The floor under it starts to tip]
Cleveland: WHAT THE HELL!? No, no, no, no, NO, NO! [the bath falls off the floor and breaks again] I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

Brian: [answering the phone] Hello? Oh, hey, Jillian, what's up?
Jillian: Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
Brian: Uh... What time does it start?
Jillian: 10:00, Eastern and specific time.
Brian: What? What did you say? "Specific" time? Don't you mean Pacific time?
Jillian: No, I think it's called specific time. They mean it starts specifically at 10.
[Stewie chuckles]
Brian: Stewie, are you on the line?
Stewie: Yes.
Brian: Jillian, I'll talk to you later. [hangs up]

Brian: Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you.
Meg: [crying] No, I won't! I'm so fat and gross!
Brian: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Meg: I should just kill myself!
Brian: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... That's... C'mon...
Meg: I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna kill myself, 'cause no one will go with me! [runs into the kitchen]
Brian: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... [Meg starts sifting through a drawer full of utensils] Meg? Stop it. C'mon. [she finally pulls out a big knife] Alright, alright, Meg, look... What if I... What if I drove you and walked in with you or whatever...
Meg: [gasps with excitement] Brian, will you go with me?!
Brian: Are you gonna kill yourself if I don't?
Meg: [in an obvious tone] Yeah!
Brian: [laughs nervously] Well, then my hands are pretty much tied!
Meg: [hugs Brian] Oh, Brian, thank you, thank you, thank you! Ohh! I have to buy a new dress. All the ones I have make me look fat.
Brian: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Stewie: Here she is! Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening.
Meg: How do I look, Brian?
Brian: Ahhhhhhh, you sure do, Meg.
Stewie: FYI, the carpet matches the drapes, in color and quantity. You ever seen a blacksmith's apron?*

*On FOX, the line was changed to "The carpet matches the drapes, in color and length" and the line about the "blacksmith's apron" was cut.


Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
[She and another couple laugh]
Brian: [drunkenly] You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs* when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19 you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that, am I in the ballpark?
[Connie starts crying and runs away]
Meg: Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that.
Brian: Hey, no problem. She's a - she's a skank. You know, you don't - you don't deserve - you don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that?
Meg: Thanks, Brian. [hugs him then pulls away. They look at each other for a moment, then they lock lips and make out for a few seconds. After they break the kiss, Brian vomits]
Brian: Sorry, that was the booze, not you. [pause, then he looks at his vomit] You gonna eat that?

*On the FOX airings, Brian's line is changed to "You're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12"


Peter: Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4!

Joe: Welcome to the Police Academy. We're gonna start by learning how to do a cavity search. Peter, you will be the police officer, and Quagmire, you will be the suspect. Begin.
Peter: [puts on a rubber glove] Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs, and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search. Drop your pants.
[All we see is their legs. Quagmire drops his pants, then Peter does as well]
Joe: Uh, Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down.
Peter: Oh, sorry, I'm still learning. [pulls them back up]
Joe: All right, start the search.
[We see the following drop to the floor from his rear: a cell phone, a door knob, a block of Swiss cheese, a mini toy car, a fish, a copy of the movie Good Burger and a toy xylophone and its mallet]
Peter: Uh, I think that's everything.
Performance Artist Bruce: You want me to double check?

Meg: Hi, honey.
Brian: What?
Meg: I was thinking about our kiss last night. [runs her finger up and down his arm] I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was.
Brian: Yeah...
Meg: You know, I thought about how you stood up for me at the dance and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian: Well, Meg, uh... you know what's strange? Uh, I think I might be gay. Uh, I saw this penis on the Internet today and I thought to myself: "Well, that's... that's just fine".
Meg: I'm going to the mall later. [walks her fingers up his arm] Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear?
Brian: Uh, I don't think that's gonna be a possibility. I have plans, um... [Chris walks by] with Chris! Chris and I have, uh, plans this afternoon.
Chris: We do?
Brian: Yeah, yeah, we're doing, uh, we're doing that thing. We're doing... what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
Chris: Masturbate?
Brian: Yeah, that's it! Masturbate. We're gonna masturbate together.*
Chris: Well, maybe a back-to-back, but I got to tell you I'm not 100% on this.
[Later on, after Brian and Meg leave]
Chris: Brian, I'm ready! You in or out?

*On FOX, the use of the word "masturbate" was cut from three times to one and Brian's line was changed to "That's it. That's what we're going to do together."


[Meg bakes Brian a pie]
Brian: Oh, wow, hey, that looks delicious. [eats some] Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there?
Meg: Well, there's some apples... and some cinnamon... and my hair...
Brian: What?
Meg: My hair is in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do you feel me inside of you?
[Meg peeks him on the cheek and then leaves; Stewie walks in and sits down on the couch]
Stewie: Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece?
Brian: Uh... sure.
Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: Cool "Hwhip"?
Stewie: Cool "Hwhip", yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it - Cool "Hwhip". You put Cool "Hwhip" on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: Say "whip".
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say "Cool Whip".
Stewie: Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: You're eating hair! [Stewie spits it out]

Lois: [referring to Meg] Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance.
Brian: Well, uh, I think it's more than that, uh... so here's the thing, and don't get mad, and that part I can't stress enough - that's a great shirt, by the way - Um, I... may have made out with Meg. [long pause, then Lois gets up and punches Brian hard] Okay, I had that coming.
Lois: What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard?!
Brian: Look, I was drinking...
Lois: [sarcastically] Oh, what a shock!
Brian: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Look, the short version is: this morning, she made me eat her hair pie* - [Lois punches him again] No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some too - [and again] Stop punching me!
Lois: Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two, but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now! Oh, this is even worse than when you ate that bubble gum out of the garbage.
[Cutaway to the the kitchen, where the garbage can is knocked over and trash is all over the place]
Lois: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian: Uh, no. Why?
Lois: Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian: I'm not lying... [he farts; as he does, a pink bubble inflates by his backside and pops]

*On FOX, the line "hair pie" was changed to "the hair in her pie"


Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. [a live-action shot of his face appears between the two] Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Garrett Morris: WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Garrett Morris: I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Garrett Morris: YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!
[Brian leaves]
Meg: I won't be ignored, Brian.
Garrett Morris: [looking at Meg] Ooh, I like your ass...

Peter: Joe, I gotta tell ya, this whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. When do we get to shoot some bad guys?
Joe: Guys, it's not all about action. It's about staying vigilante until you're needed.
Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I know. I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. GET NAKED, YOU STRANGE WHORE!

Lois: Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night. I think something may have happened.
Chris: Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night, put him in the trunk of his car and then drive away?
Lois: WHAT? Chris, why didn't you say anything?
Chris: I dropped a ball. I'm sorry. I have just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours.

Meg: I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. I can't believe you went to all this trouble only because of me.
Brian: Well, you know me.
Meg: Oh, I do, Brian. I know you sooooo well. So, are you ready?
Brian: For what?
Meg: For the fun we're gonna have, Brian. We're gonna have fun tonight. Good, old fashioned, all-American fun.
Brian: Listen, Meg, uh... I'm - I'm not gonna lie to you here, I'm - I'm a little uncomfortable.
Meg: Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a "hwhile".
Brian: Well, I don't know if - wait, what?
Meg: We're gonna be here for a "hwhile".
Brian: A "hwhile"?
Meg: Yeah, a "hwhile".
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A "hwhile".
Brian: A while.
Meg: A "hwhile".
Brian: A while.
Meg: A "hwhile".
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting "hweird".
Brian: Aw, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it!

Cleveland: Don't move, dirt-bag!
Peter: Holy crap, what the hell is this?
Joe: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter: Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman* that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Lois: Peter, hold onto that thought because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. But first, Meg, you need to let Brian go!

*On FOX, "Chinaman" was changed to "Oriental guy"


[doorbell rings; Quagmire answers it]
Meg: Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Mom said I should come over here.
Quagmire: Have a seat, Meg. Soon, it'll all become clear. [turns on slow music and turns down lights] Excuse me, while I get a little more comfortable. [undos robe, leaving him clad in only underwear] Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman. Now you probably just think of me as square ol' Mr. Quagmire from next door, but I've been around the block a few times, learned a couple things, and I could tell you this. There's no reason to grow up to fast. Teenage girls are exposed to so much these days, I can see why a relationship looks glamorous. But you got all the time in the world and a lot of wonderful experiences ahead of you. Hang on, I want to give you something. [gets Shel Silverstein's The Missing Piece book] This book helped me when I was about your age. It let me know that as long as I kept on rollin', I'd find that one person who would make me a whole.
Meg: Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
Quagmire: Oh, you don't have to thank me. Now get on out of here, you little scamp. [Meg leaves; Quagmire puts on a ball gag and enters his bedroom, where two women on laying on his bed] All right, ladies. Are you ready for action?
Woman: We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the "hwhip"?
Quagmire: Got it right here - wait, what?

Road to Rupert

Herbert: Sellin' your old hand-me-down's?
Chris: Yup!
Herbert: You got anything you used to wear in the summertime?
Chris: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus!

[Only on the DVD]
[At the garage sale]
Lois: You know, Brian, I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap. [picks up a DVD] Like this movie, Stymie Gruffin: The Untold Story. It's not a movie at all, Brian! Just three episodes back-to-back. This thing is an insult.
Brian: [nervously looks around] Well, that might be overstating things a little. [as she continues talking, Brian waves to someone off-camera and points at Lois]
Lois: It's a middle-finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, FOX should be emb- [2 men in suits cover her mouth and carry her away]

Peter: How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five-fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker. I would have gone to fifteen easy. I am so stupid.

Joe: Good morning, Peter. I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.

Peter: [singing]
This time around
I'm stayin' at home,
And things are gonna get better.
Settlin' in, lovin' my wife,
But then I got that letter.
My black son, my black son,
Now each day my heart is gettin' bigger.
Don't even remember sleepin' with that lady,
But I did.
My black son, he's comin' to stay,
My black son, he's makin' each day...
The best that he can!
Also he's a ninja.

Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. [grabs a toy gorilla] Hey, this one's cute, huh? [reads tag] And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild... and if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball.

Peter: What? Lois, this is the best you could do?
Lois: Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey with a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that.
Monkey: I've already accepted another job.
Peter: Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like!
Monkey: It's all right, I would've driven you bananas.
Peter: Oh, oh, and he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois!

[Brian and Stewie hitch a ride in Mayor West's car]
Mayor Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck! [nothing happens] Didn't you hear me? I said follow that truck!
Mayor Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please".
Brian and Stewie: Please follow the truck! [they take off]
Mayor Adam West: I always enjoy traveling companions. Let's play Twenty Questions. Am I Bo Bice? Yes, I am. Well played, worthy adversary.

Mayor Adam West: If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with.

Brian: Look, Stewie, don't you think at some point you're gonna have to let Rupert go? I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What?
Brian: Look, I'm not going to Colorado. I'm turning around and going home.
Stewie: Fine, then, I'll go by myself. See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds.
Brian: Don't joke about that! That's like the Holocaust to us!
Stewie: Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running The New York Times and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. [he sticks out his thumb] Now are you coming or not?
Brian: [sighs] Fine. [he sticks out his thumb, then he starts singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.

Peter: It's bad enough I got a suspended license, I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice!
Meg: Dad, you left your apple juice at home!
Peter: [kicking the back of Meg's seat] I want apple juice!
Meg: [sighs] You wanna watch SpongeBob?
Peter: Yes. With apple juice! [Meg pulls down the screen that shows SpongeBob singing the "'Campfire Song' Song"]
SpongeBob SquarePants: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G SONG!
Peter: Heheheheh. Yeah... SpongeBob... yeah. [Meg groans]

[An annoyed Meg is driving as Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are in the back seat]
Peter: Hey, guys, check this out. [he flicks a lighter and lights Meg's hat on fire; Meg is unaware of the practical joke]
Joe: Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead.
Meg: What?
Cleveland: Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today.
Meg: What?!
Peter: Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire. [Meg screams]
Quagmire: Don't worry, I'll put it out! [he opens a can of beer and sprays it on Meg's head to put out the fire, only to make Meg so irritated that she stops the car, making another car crash into its rear end]
Man: What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo?! [Meg is so irritated that she punches him, then leaves the driver's seat to brutally beat him up before he crawls back into his car and drives away]
Peter: Meg, that was awesome!

Stewie: [after their helicopter crashes in the mountains] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Brian: Well, looks like you're gonna be reunited with Rupert after all.
Stewie: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. [we see Stewie with a set of chattering teeth in his mouth, then he takes them out] Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack! [Brian slaps him] Ahh! Bitch.

Peter: Aw, you should've seen what our amazing freakin' daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass! It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

Stewie: [losing the race] Oh, no! If only I had rockets in my skis. Oh, wait, I totally have rockets in my skis!

Brian: How are we gonna get out of here?
Stewie: You still got the starting gun?
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Give it to me.
[Later, a car approaches an intersection]
Stewie: [holding the driver at gunpoint] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! [smashes the window]
Driver: OH, JESUS!
Stewie: GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! [Brian and Stewie drive off as the driver leaves screaming]
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Peter's Two Dads

Lois: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks! [leaves]
Peter: She's the jerk.

Quagmire: [to Meg's friends] So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

Stewie: I'm entitled to these things, Lois, especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.
[Cutaway to Stewie on an Asian Santa's lap]
Asian Santa: [talking fast] What you want?! What you want for Christmas?!
Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey...
Asian Santa: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [throws Stewie off, an Asian boy sits on his lap] What you want?!
Asian boy: [talking fast] Firetruck!
Asian Santa: What color?!
Asian boy: Red!
Asian Santa: Next! [throws the boy off]

Peter: Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs, busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but... I hope you know... I love you, Dad.
Francis Griffin: Peter... come closer... There's something... I need to say to you.
Peter: I'm here, Dad. What is it?
Francis Griffin: Peter... you're a fat, stinking drunk! [dies]
Peter: Oh, my God, he's dead! He can't be dead! There's gotta be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the Pet Cemetery.
[Cutaway to Peter burying Francis in the Pet Cemetery. As he finishes, Francis jumps out of the ground screaming]
Peter: [screams and wacks Francis with the shovel until he stops] Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

Meg: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian: It is a tragedy.
Lois: Excuse us.
Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian: Tragic.

[Peter sits on the couch, lighting a bong]
Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Crack.
Brian: What the fuck?!
Peter: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Brian: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Peter: From Blacks.
Brian: What?
Peter: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.

Peter: [high on crack] Gov'ment came and took my baby!

Stewie: [rummaging through Peter and Lois' bedroom] This is mine, and this is mine, and that's mine, and this is mine. Oh, what's this? [reads game box cover] "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages". [reading from a card after opening the game] "Dare card: Have her do a strip tease and see how long it takes you to get a 'bonner'". What's a "bonner"?

Stewie: I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car!
[Cutaway to Stewie driving. Mother Teresa is in the back seat, passed out with vomit running down her chin. Two other guys are there as well]
Man 1: She is messed up, man!
Stewie: Shut up! Just shut up! Let me fuckin' think! [drives up to a hospital] Push her out!
Man 2: We can't leave her alone!
Stewie: Push the bitch out!! [they do so, then drive off]

Stewie: Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.
[Cutaway to Stewie chained to a torturing device. Lois, dressed in a Dominatrix outfit and smoking a cigarette, makes the chains tighter]
Stewie: Ahh! [laughs] Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, God, I've been so bloody naughty! Oh, I need to be taught a lesson, and you're the one to do it! [Lois puts the cigarette out on Stewie's belly] AHHH! OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!
[Back in real time]
Stewie: Yeah, all that stuff. Let's make that happen.

Stewie: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle - my God, I really do have problems, don't I?

O'Brian McFinnigan: Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

Brian: Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.
Peter: There's got to be some way I can make him see that I am worthy of being his son. But the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat, stinking drunk.
Francis Griffin: Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!
Peter: [looks up] What?
Francis Griffin: [standing as a Force ghost from Star Wars with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi] You're a fat, stinking drunk!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Yes, from what he's told us, that's right on the money.
Yoda: Challenge him you must.
Anakin Skywalker: [walks over as a ghost] And I'm Hayden Christensen.

O'Brian McFinnigan: I've got twenty bucks on the the fat one!
O'Brian McFinnigan and Brian: Which one's the fat one? [both laugh]

The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Quagmire: [after landing his ball in the woods] GODDAMN IT! COME ON! COME ON! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! COME ON, GLENN! COME ON, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GODDAMN GAME! [throws his golf clubs]
Joe: Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
Cleveland: The white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

Herbert: Mmm. What's goin' on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter!

Lois: Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your mogwai after midnight.
[Cutaway to Peter about to feed a Gizmo-like creature a piece of chicken]
Lois: Peter, didn't the little Chinese man tell you not to feed him after midnight?
Peter: Aw, come on, Lois, he's so cute. And he's hungry. What could happen? [feeds him the chicken. The mogwai then transforms into Fran Drescher]
Fran Drescher: Hello! I'm Fran Drescher. [does a nasally, drawn-out laugh. Peter and Lois scream]
Peter: AHH! KILL IT! [punches her, then puts her head in the microwave and turns it on. A second later, her head explodes]

[After Stewie's first tan]
Brian: My God, look at you.
Stewie: Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot! I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs.
[Cutaway to Stewie trying to sleep in his room. We hear the nymphomaniac having loud sex]
Nympho woman: [in an accent like that of Edie McClurg] Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!! Crap!! Crap!! CRAP!! [sighs deeply] Oh, crap...

Herbert: Boys, boys, we can settle this like reasonable and sexy teenagers. [produces a white pill bottle] Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins!

[Stewie is driving a toy car, while tanned and wearing a mustache]
Lois: Stewie, what is that on your lip?
Stewie: I drew a pencil mustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of mustache that says "Yeah, I've been nude on camera, what of it?".

Brian: Devon, do you have a cigarette?
Devon: Sure. [gives him one] And here's a copy of my last movie. It's essentially Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses.
[Cutaway to Brokeback Mountain, where two horses stand outside the tent where the men are sleeping]
Horse 1: Hey, the sun's been up for an hour. Shouldn't we get riding?
Horse 2: Uh, are they still sleeping?
Horse 1: I don't know, I'll check. [goes to the tent and sticks his head in, then jumps back screaming] AAAHHH! EWWWW! AAAHHH! RUN!
Horse 2: What? W-what is it? What is it? What?
Horse 1: OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! RUN! [runs away]

Peter: Apparently your son got into a little scrape with my kid.
Kyle's mom: Oh dear, they're not getting along?
Peter: Like an old guy and a midget.
[Cutaway to an old man and a little person sitting at a bus stop]
Little person: Sir, will you please stop staring at me?
Old man: Where's the rest of you?

[After Peter beats up Chris' bully]
Brian: Hey, Peter.
Peter: [talking cautiously] Hey, what's going on?
Brian: Is something wrong?
Peter: No, no, no-no-no, no, e-everything's - everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but, uh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. [phone rings. Lois answers it]
Lois: [from the kitchen] Hello? Peter did WHAT?!
Peter: [stretches] Well, I'd best be getting to work.
Brian: It's nighttime.
Peter: Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. [runs outside and climbs up a tree to hide from Lois]
Lois: Peter, you get down from that tree this instant!
Peter: No! You're gonna yell at me!
Lois: You're damn right I'm gonna yell at you. You beat up a thirteen-year-old boy!
Peter: He called me names!
Lois: You're 43, and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation!
Peter: Well, maybe you should just had an abortion, Lois. Would that make you happy if I was never born?!
Lois: What?!
Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?

[After Brian leaves Stewie in the tanning bed for six hours]
Brian: Uh, hey buddy, I was just comin' to tell ya, it's time to get out.
Stewie: I'VE BEEN IN THERE FOR SIX AND A HALF HOURS, YOU SON OF A BITCH! [Brian moves towards him] DON'T TOUCH ME!
Brian: Well, how-how... c-can you get up?
Stewie: I'll try. [slowly lifts himself off the floor and takes a few steps before falling to his knees] Ahhh! Ahh! I can't do it! I can't do it! Get the lotion. Put the lotion on me. [Brian gets a bottle of lotion, holds it by his midsection, and squirts 3 shots onto Stewie]
Mr. Furley: [walking in on them] Brian?! [we see them from his point of view in a very suggestive position]
Brian: Oh, uh, hi, Mr. Furley. This isn't what it looks like.
Mr. Furley: Never mind, I'll come back later! [runs off]

Peter: [to Kyle] You got Legos? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

Peter: Well, I never was very good at building things, like that time I built that hand-made electric razor.
[Cutaway to Peter in the bathroom, holding a fan with several razor blades attached to it]
Peter: By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. [turns it on and brings it to his face. The scene changes to outside. We hear, "AHHHHH!" and see blood splatter on the window] Lois, I done it again! [scene changes to a Merrie Melodies-style "The End" card, with Peter drawn with cartoon-ish eyes. On the bottom, it says, "A Peter Griffin Cartoon", "Made in Hollywood, USA"]

[Peter walks in on Lois cooking, and slams his hand down on the panhandle, throwing it's contents on her]
Lois: AHHH!
Peter: Cook much? Hehehehehe!
Lois: Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Peter: What's wrong with me? [grabs Lois' hands and hits her with them repeatedly] You're the one punching yourself in the face. Hehehehe! Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? Hehehe! You're gonna hurt yourself!
Lois: Peter, stop it! Cut it out! Peter, knock it off!
Stewie: [sunburned] Ha! You're getting her good!
Peter: Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn. [slaps him on the back]
Stewie: GOODDD! YOU HORSE'S ASS!!

Stewie: [peeling his sunburned skin] Hey, Brian, you want some Stewie Jerky?

Peter: [after making Meg vomit by chasing her with his farts] Oh, in the kitchen, Meg!

[Brian teaches Stewie ballroom dancing. Stewie is wearing a dress, lipstick, and earrings]
Stewie: [whispers] I love you.
Brian: What? What'd you say?
Stewie: Uh, olive juice.
Brian: Olive juice?
Stewie: [whispers] Olive juice, too.

Stewie: There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. [hands Brian a pencil and notepad] Write down my final thoughts.
Brian: Oh, come on!
Stewie: [weakly] I...don't have much time. [Brian sighs, then starts writing] Oh, squiggly line in my eye fluid, I see you there, lurking on the periphery of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's all right. You are forgiven. [Brian's phone rings; he answers it]
Brian: Hello? Oh, hi, Dr. Hartman. All right, I'll tell him. Thanks, bye. [hangs up] You don't have cancer, you're gonna be fine.
Stewie: Really? Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! [Brian starts to leave] Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you've got so far. [Brian hands him the notepad. All that is on it is a drawing of Brian hanging himself from a tree branch with flies buzzing around him] Oh, you are just the worst type of person.

Airport '07

[Peter has the couch out on the front lawn. Meg walks by]
Peter: Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. [she sits down next to him. Peter then does a fake yawn, stretches his arms out, and puts one around Meg]
Meg: Dad...what are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a Redneck. Which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40.
Meg: [runs away] AAAAAAHHHHHH!!
Peter: Meg, come back here! I meant sex!

Announcer: We now return to Carl Sagan's "Cosmos", edited for Rednecks.
Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four bi- [voiceover] HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD. Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a s- [voiceover] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! -ig bang. If you look at the bones of a [voiceover] JESUS-osaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating tha- [voiceover] MOUNTAIN DEW IS THE BEST SODA EVER MADE!
Brian: Peter, do we have to watch this?
Peter: This is what rednecks watch, Brian.
[Peter takes out some tobacco, chews on it, and spits it on the floor]
Brian: Peter, that's disgusting! Here, spit in this cup instead!
[Peter takes the cup and spits into it. Stewie walks over]
Stewie: Oh, there's my apple juice. [Reaches for the cup]
Brian: Stewie, wait don't- [Brian suddenly remembers how Stewie beat him up in the bathroom in "Patriot Games"]
Stewie: [In the flashback] Where's my money?! You gonna give me my money?!
Brian: [Back in the present] Nevermind.
[Stewie drinks from the tobacco-spit cup and begins screaming in disgust then Peter spits in his mouth and still screams in digust]


Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. And now, here's Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.
Diane Simmons: Our top story: There was drama in the skies of Quahog today, as a Trans National 767 was forced to make a crash landing.
Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane. As if the world weren't already scary enough, it seems you can't even get on a plane safely these days. Channel 5 has the spectacular footage.
[A clip is played of the airplane crashing into a field and coming to a stop]
Tom Tucker: Fortunately, no one was injured. However, using state-of-the-art Channel 5 computer technology, we'll show you how disastrous it could have been. Here's how it would've looked if the plane had crashed into a school.
[The same clip of the airplane crashing, except it hits the ground and slides into a school, blowing it up and setting it on fire. Shortly after, dozens of children on fire run from the wreckage screaming]
Tom Tucker: Now here's how it would've looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies.
[The same clip of the airplane crashing and sliding into the school, blowing it up and setting it on fire. Instead of children, several bunnies run from the wreckage shrieking]
Tom Tucker: Now here's how it would've looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies, but one passenger had survived, gone home and mercilessly beat his wife.
[The same clip of the airplane crashing and sliding into the school, blowing it up and setting it on fire, and bunnies running out shrieking, except a man runs out of the wreckage with them]
Man: I'm alive! But boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this!
[Cutaway to his house, where he backhands his wife four times]
Man's Wife: [crying] Why?! Why?! Is this because I overcooked the roast?! [he backhands her four more times]*
Tom Tucker: Powerful stuff. You'd have to be made of stone not to feel saddened by that. We now return you to our regulary scheduled program.

*The versions shown on FOX in America and TVtropolis in Canada shortens the husband smacking his wife from eight times [four smacks before the woman's line and four smacks after the woman's line] to four times [making it two smacks before the woman's line and two smacks after the woman's line]


[Chris enters the kitchen screaming]
Chris: AHHHHHHHH! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my treehouse!
Lois: [annoyed] Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? [camera pulls out to reveal that she's talking about an actual homo dwarf standing next to them]
Homo dwarf: I'll remind you that I was invited here!

Stewie: Oh, great. This is going to be worse than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin.
[Cutaway to Stewie siting on a couch. Marlee Matlin walks by, unaware that she is farting with each step]
Marlee Matlin: Hi, Stewie!
Stewie: Oh, come on, Marlee, I know you can't hear them, but you gotta feel those things slapping out of there!

Lois: [answering the phone] H-hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number. There's no one here by the name of LongRod Von HugenDong. [Quagmire stammers as he grabs the phone and heads into the other room]

Lois: [referring to Quagmire finding a job] Well, you're gonna have to help him find one, because I've had enough of him living in this house.
Peter: Eh, you're overreacting, Lois, and you can't spell overreacting without "ovary"...'cause you're a girl.
Lois: I'm not overreacting!
Quagmire: [holding a pacifier] Hey, uh, just an FYI, uh, really no reason to go into greater detail than this. Uh, Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again. [gives it to Peter]
Peter: [pause] Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?
[Canned laugh track and applause kick in, followed by a Will & Grace-style opening with the Griffins in it]

Cleveland: So, how's the job hunt going?
Peter: Ah, it's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Joe: Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse.
[Cutaway to Joe's house, where Quagmire is changing Joe's diaper]
Quagmire: [in a baby voice] You make your doo-doos, Joe?
Joe: Shut up.
Quagmire: You make your doo-doos?
Joe: I said, SHUT UP! There's no doo-doos today.
Quagmire: I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos. [lifts Joe's legs] Oh! Uh-oh! What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky! Ewww!
Joe: Quagmire, how'd you like to help me commit suicide?

(the entire cutaway with Quagmire and Joe was edited out when shown on FOX)


Peter: Hang on to something, 'cause this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh.
[Cutaway to Peter sitting in front of a fireplace with a beautiful blond girl]
Peter: I really like you, Sandy.
Sandy: I really like you too, Peter.
Peter: Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? [he kisses her in the cheek]
Sandy: [chuckles] Yeah.
Peter: How about here? [he starts kissing her neck]
Sandy: [she chuckles a bit, then starts laughing in a very deep voice] OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! [normal voice] Oh, stop, I'm tick... [very deep voice] OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!

[after having sex]
Flight Attendant: Oh, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex, and I appreciate your choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up, as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus*.
*******************************
TV announcer: Who else but Quagmire?!
Voices: [singing]
He's Quagmire, Quagmire,
You never really know what he's gonna do next
He's Quagmire, Quagmire!
Quagmire: [singing] Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity, let's have sex!
[Cut to a funeral; A pallbearer is speaking in front of a coffin to the people]
Pallbearer: Let us forever remember this beautiful, young woman. Taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born. [Quagmire jumps out of the coffin in his underwear and starts dancing sideways out of the scene]
Quagmire: [singing] Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-goo!
TV announcer: Who else but Quagmire?!
Voices: He's Quagmire, Quagmire,
Quagmire: [singing] Giggity-giggity-goo!
*******************************
Quagmire: All right, I've got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Flight Attendant: 209? That flight left half an hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane, they're all gonna die!
Flight Attendant: What?! Oh, no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part- [pulls out a condom] here's the condom I said I'd put on. [she gasps] Ha-ha-ha-ha, aren't I just the worst?
***: [This scene was not shown on the televised version, but was shown on the DVD version]
*On the FOX censored version, Quagmire says that the contents of the stewardess's panties have shifted during coitus

Tom Tucker: Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently-discharged pilot, Captain Glenn Quagmire, is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: I'M AT THE WRONG AIRPORT!
Tom Tucker: Oops. Well, thanks, Ollie.

Lois: Ah, Glenn, we are so thrilled for you.
Brian: Yeah, I guess it didn't take much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.
Peter: Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking.

[the family sees Peter arriving with a pickup truck]
Lois: Peter....what the hell are you doing with a pickup truck?!
Brian: Wait. Lemme guess, this is because of the Redneck Comedy Festival, isn't it?
Peter: Oh, that dog of mine!

[After Peter and Lois discover Quagmire living in their treehouse]
Peter: Quagmire, you belong in a tree! You're a nut!
[Lois stares at Peter for a moment, then completely cracks up]
Lois: [laughing] What?!
[Lois continues laughing before she calms down]

[Quagmire in the airplane before take off ]
Quagmire: Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain Glen Quagmire, uhhhhhhhhhh. We're looking about a 4 and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhhhh. We've got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The flight's gonna be a little longer than we've expected. We've got some very strong head winds, giggity. Flight attendants, please prepare for take off

Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

Lois: Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop?
Lois: [grabs a Kleenex and wipes her shoe off] That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else. [Stewie runs in]
Stewie: Ah, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze! [grabs Lois' Kleenex and sneezes] Ah-choo! [he looks at the Kleenex, realizing what was on it] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! [runs away]

Meg: [typing on a laptop] Don't mind me, you guys. I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. [types aloud] "Dear My Boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg."
Chris: Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops.
[Cutaway to Starbucks, where 2 men are typing on their own laptops]
Man 1: Hey, gettin' some writing done there, buddy?
Man 2: Yeah, settin' up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay.
Man 1: Me too. All real writers need to be seen writing, otherwise, what's the point, right?
Man 2: You should totally write that down.
Man 1: Okay. Will you watch me?

Peter: [about to lift Bill Clinton's limo] Alright, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. [lifts, his back cracks loudly] AHHHHHH!

[Brian tries to take a dump on the lawn at night, but Lois stops him by spraying him with the water hose]
Brian: Ahh, ahh, w-what the hell?!
Lois: No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.
[Cutaway to the living room on Christmas Day]
Lois: [opens her gift] Oh, what is it, a little birdie? Ah... oh, my God, it's dead! [she picks it up; everyone but Chris and Stewie hold their nose] Brian! [gags] Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God, get it out if here! [throws it on the floor]
Brian: [while Chris opens his present] I'm-I'm sorry. I thought-I thought you'd like it.
Chris: Brian, I love it! [pulls out a dead cat] I'm gonna call you Stickyhead. [kisses it, then hugs it] I love you, Stickyhead.

[after smoking marijuana]
Peter Griffin: Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.
President Clinton: Me too.

[Brian is being forced to wear diapers]
Stewie: Hey, have you gone yet? Have you popped your butt cherry?
Brian: You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation. You remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois?
[Cutaway to the kitchen. Peter and Lois are looking at Stewie's drawing. Stewie waits eagerly for praise]
Lois: Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!
Peter: This is going right up on the fridge.
Stewie: Really? The fridge?
Lois: It's like we have a little Michelangelo in the house.
Stewie: Okay. See you guys later. [he walks away. Seconds later, Peter and Lois burst out laughing]
Lois: I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge!
Peter: I know, I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus?!
Lois: Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this!
Peter: Wh-what a dumbass! Hey, let's spit on it! [they do so while laughing, then the camera pans down to a teary-eyed Stewie, who was listening the whole time]

[Lois attempts to confront Bill Clinton]
Lois: [harshly] Mr. President, I need to have a word with you.
[Cut foward to Lois and Bill in bed after having sex]
Lois: [nervously] Well, you certainly are very persuasive.
Bill Clinton: So I've been told. Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
Lois: What's that?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon Fuckin' That Ass! [chuckles]
(On FOX, the dialogue for the part after Lois has sex with was changed so that way Clinton asked Lois to take out the cigar he stuck in her vagina during sex so he can smoke it)

[Peter walks in on Bill and Lois in bed]

Peter: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice 'cause she's here, humping you?!
Lois: [gasps] Peter! [starts putting on and buttoning her shirt] Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except... [her voice gets increasingly more lustfull] I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and... [inhales] he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to it's lowest level in thirty-three years!
Bill Clinton: Thirty-five years.
Lois: Thirty-five years, Peter!

Bill Clinton: [to Lois] Hey Lois, you up for a little "Exit Polling"?
Lois: Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?
Bill Clinton: Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "Jizz" is.*

*On the FOX censored version, this line was cut


[Peter is staying at Quagmire's house after catching Lois in bed with Bill]
Peter: I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.
Quagmire: Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I, I want you to know I'm-I'm here for you if you need anything. {...You want me to drag my sack across your face?
Peter: What?
Quagmire: It's-I-I-I'm sorry. It's, when-when one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I, that's how I cheer her-l-listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm-I'm not very good in these types of situations.}
Peter: Ah, Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical.
[Cutaway to Peter getting a "prostate exam" by a doctor]
Doctor: All right. [finishes and takes off his rubber glove] The doctor will be in in a few minutes. [Peter looks shocked, realizing what just happened]
[Cut back to Peter and Quagmire, who hear Lois knocking on the door]
Lois: [from outside] Peter? Peter, are you in there? It's me.
[Peter opens the door and scowls]
Peter: What do you want?
Lois: Honey, I just feel awful about this whole situation.
{Quagmire: Oh, I'm sorry Lois. You want me to drag my sack across your face?
Peter: [angrily] Not now, Quagmire!
Quagmire: Oh-oh-Sorry, I did-that's a mista-I'll go make her some coffee.}
{}= These lines were edited when aired on the FOX Network

Barbara Pewterschmidt: Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.
Lois: Well we were in the neighborhood and Peter said let's stop in. [nervous laughter] Wasn't that thoughtful?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Will you people quiet down?! I'm trying to watch Medium.
Lois: You know what? Daddy's right. Let's go upstairs where we won't bother him. [they leave]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Good. Alright, go Medium! Wish I could talk to ghosts. That'd be sweeeeeet!

[Peter tries to confront Bill Clinton and "clear the air"]
Peter: Hey, listen, Bill, uh, you and I need to have a talk.
[Cut forward to Peter and Bill in bed after having sex]
Peter: Boy, you are good. You are really really good.

[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]
Brian: How do you think it works?
Stewie: I have no idea.
Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian: What's that big back part?
Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.
[The toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who ran out of the room]

No Meals on Wheels

Announcer: We now return to America's Next Top Model.
Woman: I-I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. Y-you don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.
Tyra Banks: You know what? How dare you?! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS TO WHERE I AM NOW!! [a giant iguana crawls out of her mouth and eats the woman, then runs away]

[Brian and Stewie are playing Yahtzee]
Brian: Alright, so we roll the dice, and then we both have to yell "Yahtzee" really loud.
Stewie: At the same time?
Brian: Yeah, and you have to flap your wrists like this. [flaps his wrists flamboyantly]
Stewie: And you'll do it too?
Brian: 'Course. That's how it's done.
Stewie: Okay.
Brian: Alright. Ready?
Stewie: Okay, you gonna do it with me?
Brian: Oh, yeah. [rolls the dice]
Stewie: [flaps his wrists flamboyantly] YAHTZEE!
Brian: Gay.
Stewie: YOU SUCK!

Lois: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Quagmire: Well, you know, Lois, I-I gotta confess, uh, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but uh- [stammers] It's fine, it's fine, whatever. I'm happy to help.

Peter: Alright, everybody, only three hours 'till open. Oh, this is going to be the coolest place in Quahog. All the movers and shakers and big wigs are going to eat here. But not the small wigs... [camera shifts to a guy with a small wig near entrance of restaurant]
Small wig: Hey, I'm hungry... I got a credit card...

Chris: [holding a steak dinner] The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib.
Stewie: Oh, did he now? Well, let me take care of that for him. [picks up a rat, force-feeds it a bottle filled with some liquid, holds it over the plate and makes it vomit on the steak] Tell him "Bon appétit, douchebag".

Peter: Oh, look, it's one of those early Maude episodes with the really long opening credit sequence.
TV: Lady Godiva was a freedom rider
She didn't care if the whole world looked
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her
She was a sister who really cooked
Madame Curie was a strong woman character
Workin' all day in a science lab, yeah
Clara Barton was a famous nurse
Who was rapping with the soldiers and bandages too
Susan B. Anthony, always out doin' stuff
Marchin' around and holdin' up signs...
Peter: "And then there's Maude".
TV: Pocahontas had it all goin' on...
Peter: What the hell?
TV: ...an Indian guide with lots of Indian pride
Indira Gandhi ran a whole big country
That isn't easy even if you're a guy...
Peter: "And then there's Maude"?
TV: Babe Zaharias was a really good athlete...
Peter: Aw, come on!
TV:: ...Good at track and field and professional golf, too
Peter: "And then there's Maude"!
TV: Amelia Earhart was a very good pilot
Except for that one time when she didn't come back
Cleopatra lived way out in the desert...
Peter: "And then there's Maude"! Come on!
TV: But still found a way to keep herself looking fine
And then there's Maude...
Peter: Ahh! Ahh! There we go! [turns the TV off] That was an ordeal.

Peter: A bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant? This is gonna be cooler than that time Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself.
[Cutaway to Peter's front lawn, where Peter and Ben Stiller (with gigantic ears) stand]
Peter: But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller? When I need you more than ever?
Ben Stiller: I've taugh you everything you need to know, Peter. Now it's time for me to go help another child.
Peter: I guess I just fooled myself into thinking you'd always be with me.
Ben Stiller: I will, Peter. I will always be with you. [he flaps his giant ears like wings and flies off into the sunset sky]
Peter: [proudly] His movies are terrible.

Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe, I... thought you were bringing your cop friends over. What are all these parallelograms doing here?
Joe: You mean paraplegics.

Peter: I wanted a cool restaurant, not the cafeteria at the veteran's hospital. This is weirder than that rap video by M. C. Escher.
[Cutaway to one of Escher's "crazy stairs" paintings, where he walks up and down the stairs]
M. C. Escher: Goin' up the stairs, and goin' down the stairs
And goin' up the stairs, and goin' down the stairs
And goin' up the sideways stairs. [walks up the sideway stairs]

Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again... [Peter and Lois gasp] ...without remembering how lucky he is that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks. That leg should heal up just fine.
Lois: Peter, you do realize you deserve this for the way you treated Joe. I think you owe him an apology.
Peter: Are you kiddin', Lois? It ain't my fault that him and his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society. But I'm gonna be different. I'll be a dignified cripple, and I'll show 'em all how it's done.
[Montage]
[As Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" plays: The family wheels Peter out of the hospital and try to load him in the back seat. They try lifting him, but fail, causing Peter to fall and land on Meg. Later on, they go to a fast food drive-thru. Peter is shown strapped to the back of the car. Kids nearby throw rocks at him. Next, Peter is shown at the top of the stairs, trying to go down in the weelchair. Brian has Stewie push him down. They laugh and high-five each other. Next, Peter is playing goalie in a soccer field, unable to move. Quagmire and Cleveland kick the ball at him, and eventually score and celebrate. Finally, at dinner, Meg accidentally spills water on Peter. He tries to grab her, but cant reach. He wheels after her, but she runs up the stairs, where he can't get her. He then cries. After all that, Peter goes over to Joe's house and rings the doorbell]
Peter: Joe, uh, you got a minute?
Joe: What is it, Peter?
Peter: I, uh, just wanted to apologize. I thought you and your friends were just a bunch of gross cripples, but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now, and I see how tough it is.

Boys Do Cry

[Quagmire sees a sign outside the church that reads "Organist Wanted"]
Quagmire: Heh, heh. All right! [he goes inside. We hear an unzipping sound, followed by a slap] Ahh! [he leaves] Well, why do you say "organist" if you don't want - I don't understand the world anymore.

Peter: You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a "hot body, weird face" contest. It can't be done.

Lois: ...and lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber. [turns to Meg] Especially you, Meg.
[Cutaway to Meg on the couch. Her body is literally deflated. Stewie is sitting in the arm chair next to her]
Lois: Meg, what happened to you?!
Stewie: She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there. It's really sad... and a tiny bit funny. Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high. [deflates] Oh, now I'm messed-up too.

Peter: Aw, sweet, we are outta here! Now I can do what I planned to do this morning: gladiator mice!
[Cutaway to Peter sitting on the couch, in only his briefs, while two mice in full gladiator costumes fight on the floor]
Peter: Hahahahaha! Yes, yes, die, die, die! I have everything and you have nothing!

[When an angry mob, the reverend, and Mayor West stand in front of the Griffins' house to take Stewie from Lois]
Mayor West: Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We are here to take custody of your baby so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism and banish the devil from his infant soul.
Lois: What?! You are not performing an exorcism on my baby!
Reverend: Mrs. Griffin, you can either give him to us, or we'll take him by force!
Lois: NO!
Peter: Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us! In Imagination Land, where you burp where you fart, and you fart where you burp! [Cutaway to Peter sitting on a chair in front of a gray background, then Peter farts, but making a burp sound, then burps, but then making a fart sound]
Peter: [laughs] Indeed, that's how it happens!

[Brian and Stewie are hiding from the cops in a truck stop bathroom]
Brian: [to Stewie] We're gonna have to find some way to alter your appearance.
Stewie: Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears. I'm already standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.

Brian: How you holding up, Stewie? [pan over to Stewie, who's dressed like a girl]
Stewie: Um... I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

[When the Griffins get to Texas]:
Brian: Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are all socially backward. Politically, they're all as stubborn as a mule! [Cutaway to a man and a mule sitting on a couch arguing]
Mule: Nope. Sorry. Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose.
Man: What? Of course he was!
Mule: Nope. He wasn't. You lose.
Man: Of course he was! He was the star!
Mule: Nope. You're wrong. Look it up.
Man: I don't have to look it up! It's common knowledge! He was on the cover of--[the mule starts continuously yelling 'No!' angrily at the man, gradually getting louder] People Magazine when the movie-- I mean everyone knows Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose! It was a huge movie! He was the lead!
Mule: HEE HAW! HEE HAW! HEE HAW!!!

[Stewie is offered cake]
Stewie: [still dressed as a girl] None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina. [to Brian] That's what girl's worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Lois: Oh, it is so good to be home. You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
Peter: I agree, Lois. Like, for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that... you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values you're kids are getting. [camera slowly zooms in on Peter as he continues] Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. [long pause] Yeah.

Lois: Look what the Lynches gave us! A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger!
Peter: You know, they say Chuck is so tough, there's no chin underneath his beard... there is only another fist.
Brian: That's ridiculous. [Chuck Norris appears suddenly] Chuck Norris?! [a fist emerges from his beard and hits Brian directly in the jaw, Brian falls to the floor and Chuck Norris walks away]

No Chris Left Behind

Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you?
Peter: No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And-and with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this will be worth a few yuks." But no, Lois. That title wrote a check that the queers on stage refused to cash.

Stewie: You know Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia, and uh... seems to work out for them. So.. hintity-hint-hint.

[At the boring ballet]
Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. [to Chris and Meg] So, uh, you kids develop any good pot connections at your school yet?
Chris: What?
Meg: Yeah.
Brian: Ah. Lois, we'll be right back. Meg's gonna take me outside to poop. [they leave]

Lois: Chris, how many times have I told you, no reading during meals?
Chris: I have a history test today, Mom, and I couldn't study last night, because you made us go to the ballet. ***[Peter pulls out his cell phone and text-messages Chris. He pulls out his phone, reads it, then chuckles] Yeah, right in her ass! [they both laugh; Brian then examines Chris' history book]
Brian: Well, Chris, you're not going to learn any history from this. This textbook is from 1896.
Lois: What?
Brian: "Chapter 3: "Here Comes Utah".
Lois: Let me see that. [grabs the book] "Negroes: America's Dancin'est Rapefolk". That's awful! We don't use the word "Negro" anymore!***
(***: On the FOX version, the text message part between Chris and Peter is cut, and the part about Chris's textbook was altered: in the FOX version, Chris's textbook is from 1948 and includes chapters on big band music and "Israel: The Hot New Country Everyone's Gonna Love")

Principal Shepherd: All right, let's get this meeting underway. For our first order of business, we'll go to Bruce.
Performance Artist Bruce: Oh, heyyy, y'all said my name! Welcome here to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gonna have a puppet show, we gonna have some jazz- No, I'm just kiddin'. We have some business to take care of, though. I'm sorry I pulled y'all's legs. I'm just a little excited 'cause [sing-songy] I met somebody today! Someone in the bookstore! Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do! Oh, and the adventure begins again!

Lois: They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the Founding Fathers had in mind.
[Cutaway to the signing of the Declaration of Independence]
Founding Father: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take role call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here!
Founding Father: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here!
Founding Father: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's "Hancock" now!
Founding Father: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why!

Principal Shepherd: All right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have- Chris Griffin is hereby expelled!
Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who the dumbest kid in the school is!

It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

Peter: Boy, it was nice of Quagmire to let us use his place. This'll be much better than that vacation we took with the Price Is Right yodeler.
[Cutaway to the Griffins following the mountain-climbing yodeler on the Cliff Hangers pricing game board]
Peter: Okay, you can stop here. Th-there's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't-don't listen to that fat tourist! She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! [the yodeler and the Griffins fall off the game board, and the show's "losing horns" play] Ah, we should have gone to Plinko like Cleveland.
[Cutaway to Cleveland inside a Plinko chip, laughing as he falls down the game board before landing in the $0 slot and groaning]

[Stewie and Brian are in the woods]
Stewie: Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place. They say once every hundred years in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
Brian: Eh, I think that's just a legend.
Stewie: Well, that's because you're- [gasps, points behind Brian] Look!
[Cut to mist with Donny Most slowly rising out of it]
Choir: [singing] Donny Most, Donny Most
He was Ralph on Happy Days
Donny Most, Donny Most
Now he rises from the haze.
Donny Most: Actually, it's Don Most now. [begins to descend back into the mist]
Choir: Donny Most, Donny Most
Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.

[Peter and Chris are walking on a trail in the woods]
Peter: Careful, 'cause they've got a lot of big ol' wilderness bugs out here.
[A large bee flies over to Peter and Chris, and begins speaking to them in a voice identical to that of Bruce the Performance Artist]
Bee: Oh, hey. Y'all best be careful or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger. Oh, no! But then I'se gon' die if I sting you. You know what? I'm not gonna sting y'all after all, and that's my choice. Y'all ain't worth it. I'm just gonna head on over to that flower and suck on that stamen like there's no tomorrow.

Lois: The Quahog Oil Refinery is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake. I mean, you couldn't have possibly have sanctioned that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you?
Mayor Adam West: Yeah, I told them it was fine.
Lois: What?!
Mayor Adam West: And in return, I get free oil for my hair.
[Cutaway to Mayor West standing next to a woman on the street. His hair is slick and shiny]
Mayor Adam West: Hey, baby. Want some Adam West penis?*

*On the FOX censored version, Adam West's line is changed to, "Wanna take a gander at some Adam West penis?"


[Lois and Mayor Adam West are in his office]
Mayor Adam West: [gasps]
Lois Griffin: What is it?
Mayor Adam West: A bee just flew in the window... Don't move...
[The same wilderness bee that Peter and Chris encountered earlier flies through the window and sits at the mayor's desk.]
Bee: Hmm! Now look who's mayor! First order of business: free honey for everyone! Yay, mayor bee, mayor bee, mayor bee — ow! Ooh, done stung myself. Bye world! [falls from desk]

Tom Tucker: Good evening, Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up, with incumbant Adam Wast squaring off against challenger Lois Griffin.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, "Can a woman really be mayor, or will she just bleed* all over the city?" Stay with us.

*On the FOX censored version, "bleed" is replaced with "menstruate"


[Chris is going door-to-door to try and get votes for Lois. He approaches one door, rings the bell, and the person inside answers. The camera stays on Chris as he talks]
Chris: Hi. I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday? [the camera pans to the person at the door, who turns out to be Lois]
Lois: Chris, this is our house.
Chris: Ah. Then what is for dinner?
Lois: Pork chops.
Chris: Excellent.
Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris: I have not.
Lois: Would you like to come in?
Chris: Please. [Lois lets him inside]

Brian: Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet. Try giving short, simple answers.
Tricia Takanawa: [to an audience member] Sir, your question, please?
Principal Shepherd: Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?
Lois: ...A lot. [the audience applauds with agreement. Brian signals for her to go with it] Because...that's what Jesus wants. [the audience applauds louder and with more agreement. Brian signals for more] 9/11 was bad. [audience cheers and applauds loudly]
Man: I agree with that.
Lois: God, I can't believe how easy this is.
Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment?
Lois: 9/11. [audience cheers loudly]
Angela: Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?
Lois: Nine... [audience gasps in suspense] ...eleven. [the audience goes nuts. Then footage of Ashley Ferl, the girl who cried for Sanjaya on American Idol, plays]

Lois: Hey, you guys.
Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

Lois: We have intelligence that suggests that...Hitler...is plotting with...with the Legion of Doom...to take over the world & kill Jesus...using the lake as a base. [crowd at the town hall meeting murmurs]
[Cutaway to the evil headquarters]
Super Friends Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...
Lex Luthor: How did she discover our plan?
Solomon Grundy: Me, Solomon Grundy...Kinda dropped the ball on that one.
[Back at the town hall meeting]
Lois: And we also have evidence that...Darth Vader...tried to buy Yellow Cake Uranium...from unwed teenage mothers!
Guy in Crowd: Those things all sound scary!
Guy in Crowd 2: How much money before we can feel safe again?
Lois: Um...a hundred thousand?
[People begin throwing money towards the stage]
Guy in Crowd 3: I threw a 10. You see that 10 there? I threw that.

[Lois accepts a bribe for an expensive coat]
Lois: Ugh, Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out. Eh, I'll just take him for a ride in the car, he'll forget all about it.
[Cutaway to Lois driving Brian around. He sniffs the air outside through the open window]
Brian: [with excitement] Wait a minute. I know where we are! The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree! I peed on that! [they pull up to another car at a red light] Hey Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! [starts jumping around the car and clawing at the window, focused on the dog] Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that?! Hey! Hey! Hey! Other dog! Fuck you! [they drive away]

Mayor Adam West: Hooray, I'm Mayor again!
Man 1: Don't we need to have a whole new election?
Mayor Adam West: [takes out gun and shoots Man 1 in the chest] There, now no one will have heard him say it.
Man 2: We all heard him say it.
Mayor Adam West: [shoots Man 2 in the chest] Anyone else hear anything?
Man 3: ...My wife did.

Meet the Quagmires

Cleveland: Hey, Quagmire, how was your date last night?
Quagmire: Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night? Women have a fourth hole.
Joe: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I mean, it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But you gotta believe that it's there.
Peter: Man, I envy you, single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. [holds out his wallet, with a picture of the kids]
Quagmire: [pointing to Meg] Oh, that's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.

[After finding out that Horace the bartender was still alive]
Death: Damn, I drove all the way out here. I had to cancel another appointment! I never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.
[Cutaway to Mike Wallace typing on a typewriter and Death reading a newspaper in the background. Mike Wallace stops typing and Death looks up. He then continues typing and Death goes back to reading the newspaper]

Lois: [in 1984] Peter and I are going to see Zapped!. I figured Scott Baio was androgynous enough that we could both fantasize about him and no one would be gay.

Brian: [to 18-year-old Lois after Peter blows off their date] Could I wham my Oingo Boingo into your Velvet Underground?

[Peter is playing an arcade game in 1984]
Woman: Wow, you're really good at this game!
Peter: Yeah, I've logged alot of game hours on Menstrual Ms. Pac-Man.
[In the game, we see Ms. Pac-Man eating her way across the screen, with 4 ghosts following her. Suddenly she turns toward them]
Ms. Pac-Man: WHAT?! WHAT?! [the ghosts quickly run away]
Blinky: Geez.
Clyde: Nothing.
Sue: Bitch.

Brian: So, uh, have you seen Ghostbusters?
Woman: Save your breath, geekwad. I'm here with my boyfriend!
Brian: You mean that quintessentially 80's guy with his collar turned all the way up? [a man walks up with his shirt collar turned up past his ears]
Man: Are you hitting on my girlfriend?
Brian: No, no, I was just being friendly.
Man: I will kick your ass anytime, anywhere!
Brian: Uh, okay. How about top of the World Trade Center, morning of September 11th, 2001, 8:00 AM?
Man: I'll be there! You think I'll forget, but I won't! [he and the woman walk away]

Quagmire: [to Lois] Come here, baby, let's go play "Hide and Go Anal"!

[In the alternate universe]
Brian: Ever hear the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present? Well, who knows what else we changed?
[Peter clicks on the TV]
Announcer: Tonight on The Tonight Show, movie star George Clooney...
Peter: Oh, he's good.
Announcer: Comedian Dave Chappelle...
Brian: He's funny. I like him.
Announcer: And musician Harry Connick, Jr.!
Peter: Wow, what a show!
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, heeeeeeeere's Chevy!
Peter: Oh, God! Brian, we messed up bad! We messed up real bad!

Peter: [upon seeing the Quagmire version of Chris and Stewie] Oh, my God! All right, don't freak out, Peter. Don't freak out like you did when your goldfish died.
[Cutaway to Peter emptying a box of fish food into a fishbowl which is already filled with nothing but fish food]
Peter: [in tears] Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides. It's okay, you don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later! You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides! [cries loudly]

[In the alternate universe]
Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin! I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius! Oh!
[Chris, Meg and Stewie laugh; then they say "giggity" seven times in unison]
Molly Ringwald Griffin: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands? [Brian looks up in shock]
Lois: I know! Who would have thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot - the one place no one would look.

Quagmire: [to Lois] Hey, Lois, I'm ready for your pie. [points at pie] And you made dessert too, oh!

[During the opening scene of The Jetsons, as Jane takes George's money]
George Jetson: Hey, hey, hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you! You take this one; I keep this. You are not taking my whole wallet so you could go shopping!
Jane Jetson: I was just gonna buy some groceries.
George Jetson: Bull... shit!1
1: Only on DVD. All other versions use "Bull... crap" instead.

Death: Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Halliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.
Brian: Oh, my God! Peter, you can't marry Lois!
Peter: I don't know who any of those people are.

[In 1984]
Cleveland: Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You wanna join me?
Peter: Ah, I can't, Cleveland. I got a date with Lois.
Cleveland: It's gonna be fun...
Peter: It is?
[Cut to Peter at St. Elmo's Clam dancing with Cleveland to Axel F]
Peter: He, he, he-he, he, he-he-he,
He, he, he-he, he-he-he,
He, he, he, he-he-he,
And then another, he, he, he-he-he... [Brian runs in]
Brian: Peter, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be with Lois!
Peter: Oh, crap. Death! [Death appears]
Death: No, you know what? I'm not doing it again. Screw this! No more mulligans! You're on your own. [disappears]

Brian: Peter, the Country Club dance is where Lois said she fell in love with Quagmire. If they kiss at that dance, you're finished.
Peter: You're right, Brian. We gotta stop 'em! [with a sneaky look] And I think I know how...
[Cut to Peter doing the exact same thing from last night at the bar]
Peter: He, he, he-he, he, he-he-he,
He, he, he-he, he-he-he,
He, he, he, he-he-he,
And then another, he, he, he-he-he... [Brian runs in again]
Brian: PETER!
Peter: Oh, God!!! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry You're right. Let's go to the dance.

Peter: And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again. [suddenly, Roger, from American Dad! walks in the room]
Roger: Who ate all the Pecan Sandies?

[In the Fat Lonely Woman's Club]
Peter: Excuse me, can I get directions to the Providence Civic Center?
All women: OOOOH!
Woman: Do you like cake?
Peter: Yes.
Woman: Do you like my ass?
Peter: Yes.
Woman: Do you want to eat cake off my ass?
Peter: What kind of cake?
Woman: Angel food cake.
Peter: [to his fork] Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

Peter: I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt, and not Quagmire nor any man, she-male, robot, or sentient robot curious about its own existance is gonna keep you from me!

Brian: [as he spies a photo of Stewie, Meg, and Chris fading] C'mon, Peter, prove to Lois that you love her! It's your last chance!
[Lois and Quagmire are about kiss when Peter taps Quagmire on the shoulder.]
Peter: Hey, Quagmire!
Quagmire: Huh?
[Peter sends Quagmire into dreamland with a well-aimed punch. Peter then straightens his tie and takes Lois in his arms.]
Peter: Sorry, Lois, but I have to do this! [kisses her passionately on the lips]
Lois: Oh, Peter! That was so passionate! I didn't know I meant that much to you!
Peter: Are you kiddin'? Lois, I couldn't bear to live without you! I came back thinkin' that I was missin' somethin' in my life, but what I almost missed was the best thing that's ever happened to me! Lois Pewterschmidt, will you be my wife?
Lois: Yes! Yes, I will!
[Peter and Lois kiss again and dance as Earth Angel ends. Stewie, Meg, and Chris reappear on Brian's photo and Peter and Brian wave to each other, signaling that they did a great job. After the song ends, everyone applauds.]

External links

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