Family Guy/Season 6

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You never enjoy the world aright, till the sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens and crowned with the stars.
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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Blue Harvest

Announcer: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. [we see a golfer on the green trying to putt]
Commentator 1: And Mickelson here trying to save par. And there's Mickelson's wife. [camera zooms in on her] My God, she's hot.
Commentator 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for ya.
Commentator 1: Oh, they're just there, beggin' to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls you think she can fit in her mouth?
Commentator 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.
Commentator 1: Who are you kidding, Jeff? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her.
Commentator 2: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do, it's my thing. But a hell of a week, though.
Commentator 1: Hell of a week. [golfer makes putt]

[Opening Dialogue for "Family Guy Episode IV: A New Hope"]
It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.
There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out until the next episode.
And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss, which is kinda messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?
Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.
Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie "Gia". She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late at night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest [sic]...
Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...

[Rebel soldiers crouch in the hallway with their ray guns pointed at the door, waiting for the Stormtroopers to break through.]
Soldier 1: What if they come in another door?
Soldier 2: [sighs] I guess we'd all just get up and go to that door, then.
Soldier 3: Is it gonna be like this all day, Jeff?
Jeff: Hey, I'm just trying to contribute.
Soldier 2 (Mark): Just contribute to pointing your gun at that door. [they take aim at the door again]
Jeff: Mark, why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around?
[only on the DVD]

Officer: Hold your fire, there's no lifeforms aboard.
Terry: Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now?
Officer: You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

[at the Death Star meeting]
Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Darth Vader (Stewie): That's fantastic! Terrific work! So, there are no weaknesses at all?
Admiral Motti: Well... no.
Darth Vader (Stewie): You... you hesitated there for a moment. Is there something I should know?
Admiral Motti: No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%
Darth Vader (Stewie): Okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Admiral Motti: Well, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.
Admiral Motti: Nah, it's nothing. I mean, it's only two meters wide.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West): Why, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Admiral Motti: Yeah, and to get to it, you have to skim down this whole trench, it's no big deal.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Well, can't we board it up. I mean, put some plywood over it?
Admiral Motti: Well that would look terrible. We've got to think about resale.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Resale? What are you talking about?! This property's right above Sunset, the value's only going to go up!
Admiral Motti: Lord Vader, your inside references on the Los Angeles real estate market have not helped you to turn around a profit on that condo in Glendale. Or given you clairvoyance to obtain... [Stewie force chokes Motti]
Darth Vader (Stewie): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown...
Admiral Motti: [gasping] There's... nothing to do...downtown!
Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West): Enough of this! Vader, release him!
Darth Vader (Stewie): As you wish. [releases Motti] So, are we going to plug up that hole?
Imperial Officer: Sure. We can do it tomorrow if price is no object.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Uhhhhh...
Imperial Officer: We'll get estimates.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Yeah, estimates, yeah.

Announcer: Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids!
Darth Herrington: Hi! I'm Darth Herrington of Darth Herrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids, and I'm passing the savings onto YOU!

Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womprats in my T-16.
C-3PO (Quagmire): My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!

WTAT Radio Commentator: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again. They never stop! Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting! Well, that's crazy! They're just trying to scare us! And if that weren't enough to get you mad, we've just heard that Lando Calrissian has just been made chief administrator of the Bespin Mining Facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job: affirmative action strkies again. The time is 8:50.

Luke Skywalker (Chris): R2, what are you doing out here?
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Beep-Boop-Beep.
C-3PO (Quagmire): He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): That's not what I said. I said there ain't a pack of Menthols on this planet.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): So Luke, what brings your muscley arms out this way?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): I'll show you, Obi-Wan. R2, play him the message. [R2 shows Obi-Wan Leia's recording]
Princess Leia (Lois): General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. We need your help again. And not to get too personal, but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan-- [Obi-Wan immediantly begins fast forwarding through the message] --and we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so-- [fast forwards again]
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Oh this is just, uh, logistical stuff. I'll check it later. [resumes the hologram]
Princess Leia (Lois): --Joey Lawrence haircut. So I'll assume we can count on your help to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan. The plans are stored inside this R2 unit. Help me Ob-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. [to R2, who is hidden] All right, now what do I click? [message fades]

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Here, check this out. [hands Luke a lightsaber]
Luke Skywalker (Chris): WOW! This is cool!
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Yeah. Everyone in the neighborhood has one.
[Cut to a farmer sitting outside his house, a lightsaber hangs from his ceiling acting as a bug zapper; 2 flies fly into it, followed by Watto]
Watto: Hey, why do you hang that up? It looks so tantalizing!

Luke Skywalker (Chris): Uncle Owen, Aunt Beru! OH MY GOD! [the burned corpses of his aunt and uncle are smoking; Luke looks over and gasps] JOHN WILLIAMS!! [John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra are also dead and burning] Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. [Danny Elfman begins conducting a cheerful song until Luke cuts his head off with a lightsaber]

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.
Han Solo (Peter): Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Is it a fast ship?
Han Solo (Peter): Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
Han Solo (Peter): [stammers] Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
Chewbacca (Brian): [makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink] Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! Alright, let's go.

Greedo (Bruce the Performance Artist): [translated from Rodian] Oh hey, where y'all going in your fancy vest Solo?
Han Solo (Peter): As a matter of fact, Greedo, I was just on my way to give Jabba his money.
Greedo (Bruce The Performance Artist): Jabba doesn't have time for scum like you. Come to think of it, he hasn't had much time for anyone lately. All wrapped up in his work, which I guess you have to admire. But it just makes him so distant. So distant. [Han shoots Greedo] Oh nooooo!

Princess Leia (Lois): Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought on board.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Um, actually, that was me. I made a Darth Doodie.
Darth Vader (Stewie): I "Sith-ed" my pants. My diaper's gone over to the Dark Side. [pulls out a notepad] I got pages of these, I could go on.
[only on the DVD]
Governor Tarkin (Adam West): Princess Leia, we've decided to test our Death Star planet-blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Princess Leia (Lois): No!
Governor Tarkin (Adam West): [to Darth Vader (Stewie)] She said no. Should we still do it?
Darth Vader (Stewie): Uh... yeah.

[on the "Death Star News"]
Diane Simmons: Good evening, Death Star. Tonight, a special report on the controversial destruction of Alderaan.
Tom Tucker: While some view the attack as unwarranted, the Empire has obtained proof that Alderaan was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. And now let's go to our five-day forecast. What's the weather like, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: SPACE WEATHER!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. Coming up, we'll give you the road closures for this week's Ewok Pride Parade. Stay tuned.

[only on the DVD]
[Luke goes to rescue Princess Leia in her cell, dressed as a storm trooper]
Princess Leia (Lois): Aren't you a little fat for a storm trooper?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. [turns to leave]
Princess Leia (Lois): Wait! Who are you?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): [takes his helmet off] I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Princess Leia (Lois): Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Yeah. Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?

Storm Trooper: Hey, did you hear something?
Canadian Storm Trooper: Probably just another drill. You know that last drill we had? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill and she told me there was no way.

Luke Skywalker (Chris): Hey, Han!
Han Solo (Peter): What?!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Why do they call them TIE fighters?
Han Solo (Peter): No idea!
[cut to a Thai man shouting Thai language sitting inside a Tie fighter cockpit]

[During the Tie fighter battle]
Luke Skywalker (Chris): They're coming too fast!
Han Solo (Peter): [under his breath] Nickel for every time I've had that problem-- just keep shooting, Luke!

Red Leader: All wings check in.
Red 3: Red 3, standing by.
Red 6: Red 6, standing by.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Red 5, standing by.
Red Buttons: Red Buttons, standing by.
Redd Foxx: Redd Foxx, standing by.
Big Red: Big Red, standing by.
[camera pans out to show a Russian submarine floating with the squad of X-Wings]
Red October: Red October, standing by.
Helen Reddy: Helen Reddy, standing by.
Simply Red: [entire band is in one X-Wing cockpit] Simply Red, standing by.

Luke Skywalker (Chris): I'm going in! Cover me, Porkins!
Porkins: Uh, I'm having a little trouble here. [camera pans out to reveal that he's so fat, that he's actually on top of the X-Wing and not inside it, which proceeds to grind against the Death Star surface before exploding]

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): [in spirit] Use the Force, Luke.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): [in spirit] Yeah, it's me. Use The Force. Force that thing in there. Just like I showed you with those puppets. But don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble.

Darth Vader (Stewie): I have you now, young Skywalker. [turns to camera] And with today's gas prices, not a minute too soon!

Meg: Wow Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Chris: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't know if people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris: I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter: Oh, really? Define decent.
Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter: Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? God knows.
Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.
Chris: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter: And besides, what's up with that 15-minute running time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.
Chris: Oh, so you DO know the show?
Peter: Well, I read an online review. I'm not a fan, as such.
Chris: You know, Dad, you're a real jerk.
[after Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black after the last notes]

Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Jillian: Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
Brian: Really? Where'd you hear that?
Jillian: In "Pe-Ople" magazine.

Lois: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.
Brian: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.
Lois: Oh, what is it?
Brian: "Faster Than the Speed of Love."
Lois: [chuckles] That is...that is the worst title I've ever heard.
Brian: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.
Lois: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle!
Brian: What? Is that-is that a recent film?
Lois: [still laughing] They made three sequels!
Brian: Yeah, well, i-in mine the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.
Lois: [laughing harder] That's one of the sequels! [she takes her laundry and leaves the room laughing]
Brian: Well-well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway!
Lois: [off camera; laughing hysterically] I'm gonna pee my pants!!

Brian: Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian!
Lois: Well, it sounds like she does. And if you're never gonna get serious, then you're not being fair to her.

Lois: I mean, what are you, Brian? One of those creepy guys who just uses a woman for sex? [as Lois is talking, an ad for "The Simpsons - Sundays on FOX" appears on the screen with a small Marge waving to the camera. Then a small Quagmire runs onto the screen, knocks Marge over, and tries to have sex with her. Marge resists and then kicks Quagmire off her and runs away while Quagmire, with his pants down, chases her] Because Jillian deserves better! She has feelings, you know? And she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant and, if you're just stringing her along, well, then, I've got to say I've lost a lot of respect for you, Brian.
Brian: You don't really think I'm like that, do you?
Lois: Prove me wrong.
Brian: All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me and you'll see, I've got what it takes.

[the miniature Quagmire and Marge walk back onto the screen, as the family stares at them]
Quagmire: See, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Marge Simpson: Ooh, I've got to say, that was fantastic!
Quagmire: What do you say we go back to your place for round two?
Marge Simpson: Sounds good to me. [they walk away from the screen]
[Cutaway to the exterior of the Simpsons' house]
Marge Simpson: Wow, three times in a row! You're amazing, Glenn!
Quagmire: Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do.
Homer Simpson: Hey, what's going on here?! [he turns on the bedroom light] Aahhh! Get off my wife!
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! [we hear a gunshot, followed by a thud]
Marge Simpson: [gasps] You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! [we hear another gunshot, followed by a thud]
Bart Simpson: Ay caramba! Mom and Dad are dead! [another gunshot and thud]
Lisa Simpson: Oh, no! Who will pay for my saxophone lessons? [another gunshot and thud]
[finally, we hear four sucks from Maggie's pacifier, and after a brief pause, one more gunshot and thud]

[Stewie has taken over Chris' newspaper route and is delivering papers with his Big Wheel]
Herbert: Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy! That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
Stewie: Piss off, you perverted old freak! [goes away]
Herbert: Oh-ho, we got a fighter.

Brian: Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. He, uh, he just gets really lonely without me at home.
Jillian: You're so fatherly. That really turns me on. [they start making out]
Stewie: [offscreen; whining] Brian, there's no more graham crackers!
Brian: They're in the cabinet! [continues with Jillian]
Stewie: I don't see them!
Brian: They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking in? [continues]
Stewie: Can't you just come in here?!
Brian: No, I'm busy! [continues with Jillian. We hear a loud crash and glass breaking]
Brian: Just use a dish towel!

[Brian and Jillian are in bed making out. Brian turns on the light to see that Stewie has entered the room.]
Stewie: Brian, are you guys up?
Brian: Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Go back to bed!
Stewie: But I'm not tired. And I'm lonely.
Jillian: Oh, come get in bed with us!
Stewie: Oh, all right, "Dear Penthouse Forum." [hops into bed with them]

[after Jillian finds out that Stewie is paying the rent]
Stewie: That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickety-Self's half of the rent.
Jillian: Is that true?
Brian: All right, yes, fine, it's true.
Jillian: Why didn't you say anything?
Brian: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to-
Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me?
Brian: Well...honestly, no.
Jillian: Oh my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian and Stewie: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through! [she grabs her clothes and leaves]
Brian: Jillian, wait! [door slams] Damn it!
Stewie: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see. [the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then smacks him out of bed]

Lois: So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
Meg: No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
[Cutaway to Meg on the couch, on the phone]
Meg: What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and...we could watch House?
[Cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone]
Peter: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]

[after Brian moves back in with the Griffins]
Lois: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your [bursts out laughing] book! [the rest of the family joins in]
Brian: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris: Welcome home, asshole*!
*On the FOX censored version, asshole was replaced with douche bag.

Announcer: This tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime Original movie.
Valerie Bertinelli: You know, Doctor, you said you were gonna cure my cancer. But all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.
Doctor: Well you're right...about the rape part. But I'm sorry, you still have the cancer.
[Valerie then cries]
Announcer: Valerie Bertinelli in : Men Are Terrible And Will Hurt You Because This Is Lifetime

[Meg and Stewie enter the Quahog Mini Mart]
Stewie: Meg, lend me 25 cents so i can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous.
[Stewie takes the quarter and rides the toy airplane]
Stewie: Look at me!! I'm having a magical aerial adventure becuase my family has disposable income [then throws paper in the air] Here you go.
Mexican Kid # 1: What is this?
Stewie: It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.

[Stewie looks at the magazine on the rack]
Stewie: Ooh, Vince Vaughn is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Here's my summary on every Vince Vaughn movie: Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. Oh wait, no I'm not. The End. I don't even wanna look at his face. [knocks the magazine rack down to the floor]

Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air

Announcer: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynecologist.
Dr. Terry Fabulous: [in a room with a patient] Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. [lifts up gown] Ewwww, it's looks like a sad old man.

Peter: [Watching Lois, Bernice, and Bonnie dance] Oh, my God, this sucks. The Clam's the only place we've got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
[Cutaway to Peter sitting on the couch]
Announcer: We now return to Jack Black in: The Unconventional Butler.
Rich Man: Edgar, could you bring me some tea?
[Jack Black comes in the scene with a bowtie on; no shirt, and wearing pants]
Edgar: YEAH!! YEAH!!
Rich Man: Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered. This guy's screaming and waving his arms around.
Edgar: You're an old man. You don't understand the young people.
Rich Man: You're right. I'll change from now on.
[The screen goes black, and "The End" appears]

[Lois, Bonnie and Bernice are hanging out at the Drunken Clam with the men]
Bonnie: Oh, my God, that was so much fun!
Lois: [to the guys] You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot! [Peter grabs Joe's gun, cocks it, then shoots himself in the mouth. The scene cuts to a close-up of Peter's face; he was only thinking about it]
Joe: Peter? Peter?
Peter: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!
Cleveland: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.1
[Cutaway to Adolf Hitler on a unicycle juggling fish]
1: Only on DVD. All other versions use "bull crap" instead.

[Herbert is siting at a stand that says "Boy's Club: Free Popsicles and Backrubs"]
Herbert: Y-M-C-A
It's fun to stay at the
Y-M-C-A. Mmmmm...

[Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are playing cards at the Quahog Men's Club]
Quagmire: Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter: Uh... yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.
Quagmire: Hang on, hang on... missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. [Cleveland looks at Peter]
Peter: ...I think still yes.
Cleveland: Thank you, Peter.
Quagmire: All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with: a very pregnant Gina Gershon or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Peter: W-wait, h-hang on, hang on. Look, you know-you know, I-I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Like, okay, look-h-how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with: Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
Peter: It is not.
Quagmire: Well then, what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?
Cleveland: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
Peter: 651.
Cleveland: That's not bad.
Joe: Better than mine.
Cleveland: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
Peter: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that-that seems like it's more her market.
Joe: This is stupid! I WANNA TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!

Stewie: [to Brian] God, you're more worthless than Colin Farrell.
[Cutaway to Stewie talking to Colin Farrell]
Stewie: So, uh... you got the wool cap on, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I guess, you know, whatever, it's uh... 96 degrees out, you know. Better-better put on the old wool cap. Yeah. Got a lot, uh, going on under there, huh? Under, under the wool cap? Thinkin' 'bout your sideburns? Yeah. No, no, no. You're not a complete jackass. Yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "PHRESH". And-and it's spelled with a "PH". Oh, that's fun 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear in your pants there- oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact. But you're not just gonna listen, are you? My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to kill you. [takes out a laser gun and blows him up]

Bonnie: Boy, they sure are making a lot of noise out there.
Lois: Those idiots have done nothing but hang out in that stupid shed for the last two days!
Bernice: We should crash that party!
Lois: Hey, you know what, Bernice is right! They're always trying to get away from us! We should march in there and remind them that they have wives.
Muriel: Especially if they have food, because bar food is so overpriced.
Bernice: Man, who invited Anne Frank?

Joe: God I hate being handicapped. Sometimes I feel more useless than the head of the Maid's Union.
[Cutaway to a maid sitting at the stand in court, while an attorney talks to her]
Attorney: And what exactly are your demands?
Maid: [in a foreign accent] We need more Lemon Pledge
Attorney: You need more Lemon Pledge?
Maid: Yes.
Attorney: We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home.
Maid: Noooo...

Dr. Hartman: So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?
Joe: Doc, I can't take it anymore. I wanna walk again. I'll do whatever it takes!
Dr. Hartman: Well, there is a highly expirimental new procedure. It's essentially a leg transplant. If you'd be willing to sign a waiver, I think I may be able to help you.
Peter: You know, when you talk, you sound alot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt.
Dr. Hartman: Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine! [Carter walks into the scene holding a cup]
Carter Pewterschmidt [sounding exactly like Dr. Hartman]: Here's my urine sample. Doctor.
Dr. Hartman: Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, hi, Peter.
Dr. Hartman: You know, Peter says we sound alike.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Really, I don't hear it.
Dr. Hartman: Actually, I think I do hear it now.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Really?
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interactions, so I've never noticed it.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Hey, I think I hear it, too!
Dr. Hartman: Seems lazy, doesn't it?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Well, there's only so many voices in the world. Some of them are bound to be similar.

[after leg surgery, Joe and Bonnie are having sex]
Joe: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! YEAH! SEX! SEX!! SEX!! [turns the light on]
Bonnie: Oh, Joe, that was amazing!
Joe: I know. I was there.
Bonnie: My God, we haven't done it in so long, I'd forgotten how big you were.
Joe: I was gonna say the same thing to you. [Bonnie looks up at him, suprised]

[Peter, Cleveland and Quagmire are rock climbing with Joe]
Quagmire: Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
Cleveland: Yeah, I'm afraid I might- [Cleveland falls off the mountain, then Spider-Man arrives, and shoots a web under Cleveland, breaking his fall] Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.
Peter: Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
Spider-Man: Bingo!

[Joe is at the Griffins' house, making his friends dance with hip. Cleveland is on the piano]
Joe: All right, we're gonna do it once more! [everyone else moans in agony] And this time, NO MISTAKES! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR! [Cleveland begins playing, while the others dance]
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin'!
Cleveland: It's great to stay up late!
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you! [Joe sits on Quagmires lap as Peter continues dancing]
Peter: When the band, began to play,
The stars were shinin' bright! [Joe sits on Peter's lap as Quagmire continues dancing]
Quagmire: But now the milkman's on his way,
It's too late to say good night!
Joe: [to Quagmire] SO SAY GOOD MORNIN'!
Quagmire: AHH! [starts sobbing] Good mornin'! [everyone continues dancing]
Sunbeams will soon smile through
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you! [the song ends, but Stewie pops out from behind the couch and continues by himself]
Stewie: Nothin' could be grander than to be in Louisiana!
In the mornin', in the mor- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

Peter: Joe, what the hell?! You're leaving Bonnie?!
Joe: Outta my way, Peter, me and my new friends are gonna go surf gliding and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there.
Peter: You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.
[Cutaway to Peter as a kid standing with two other boys and holding a baseball and glove]
Peter:[in a really girlish prepubescent voice] Hey, you guys feel like playing some base- [voice suddenly changes to his normal adult voice] -ball? ...Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate. [leaves]

Cleveland: Peter, we gotta do something.
Peter: You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer: We gotta re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler.
[Cutaway to the same scene of Hitler riding a unicycle and juggling fish seen earlier. Only this time, Peter enters the scene, kicks him off the unicycle, and punches him out]
Peter: [to the audience] See? We had a plan for that all along.

[at Joe's house. Peter sneaks up behind him]
Peter: [holding a bat] Yo, Joe.
Joe: What the hell are you doin' here, pansy? [Cleveland enters with a crowbar, followed by Quagmire with a golf club]
Cleveland: We're gonna break your legs, Joe.
Quagmire: It's for your own good!
Peter: C'mon guys, get him! [they try to attack Joe, but fail miserably, as Joe is unstoppable with his new legs]
Joe: All right, then. [Bonnie appears behind him, holding his gun] Bonnie? What the hell? Put my gun down!
Bonnie: Not until I have my husband back! [Joe runs for the door, but Bonnie shoots him in the ass]
Bonnie: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. [shoots him 2 more times, this time in the shoulder and upper arm]
Bonnie: Joe, I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible shot! [shoots him 3 more times; in the thigh, the foot, and the side of his head]
Joe: AHH, FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!! [takes the gun, and shoots himself in the spine and falls over]

[at the Clam; Everyone is bandaged up]
Peter: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
Joe: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
Cleveland: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
Peter: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
Joe: ALL RIGHT! YEAH- wait a minute!
Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
Peter: [humming to the Family Guy theme song] Na na-na na-na-na
Na na-na na-na-na
Na na-na na-na-na
Joke's on you! He he he-he-heh!

100th Episode Celebration

Seth MacFarlane: Hello America! I'm Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy, here to talk to you about some of the amazing work that's going on at the Dana-Farber Center for Cancer Research. [smiles] Oh, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? Tonight we're gonna watch some of my favorite clips from Family Guy as we celebrate 100 episodes of doing just enough to get by.

Seth MacFarlane: At the heart of any successful TV family comedy is the family itself. Let's take a stroll down Spooner Street and relive some memorable moments from the family that helped make me, a poor Vietnamese immigrant, into a Caucasian Hollywood millionaire.

Seth MacFarlane: Sure, Family Guy is a half hour of laughter, but it's also a half hour of learning. Let's take a look back at some Family Guy history lessons that have kept America's high schoolers out of college.

Seth MacFarlane: Welcome back to the Family Guy 100th Episode Celebration. Aren't you glad this isn't the Dharma & Greg clip show? Because by now, you would have already seen the Dharma clips and you'd be stuck watching the Greg clips. God, what an awful, awful show. [10 second pause] Well, now let's check in once again with some of our biggest fans!

Seth MacFarlane: You know, some of my favorite moments on Family Guy over the years have been the musical numbers. They're the moments that keep us just one gay step ahead of the competition. So lighten those loafers and get ready for us to suck your funny with some Family Guy-style show stoppers.

Seth MacFarlane: Hahahaha! I forgot how funny I am!

Seth MacFarlane: I hope you've liked what you've seen so far, and I know you're gonna enjoy the rest. [starts to toss a baseball into his gloved hand repeatedly, playing catch with himself] And after it's over, what do you say you and I head out back and have a game of catch? We can talk about the trouble you've been having at school and why girls are so interesting all of a sudden.

Seth MacFarlane: You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture references on the show. Well, I'll tell you. Family Guy likes to hold a mirror up to society and say "Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing". Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.

Seth MacFarlane: You know, through the years, Peter Griffin has had more jobs than you can shake a stick at. [smiling] You know, I never got that phrase, "shake a stick at". Did people in the old days shake sticks at things in large groups? [Seth and people behind the camera laugh] See, I'm the engine that drives a lot of the comedy on the show. Let's look at some of Peter's jobs.

Seth MacFarlane: We'll be right back with more Cold Case. [more to himself than to anyone else] Another awful show. And it's very tough to look at, the whole thing is just drab. And it's like it's all shot with a blue filter, and it makes everything look really gray and unappealing. And Medium, I hate Medium. Come on, everybody!

Seth MacFarlane: Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of Family Guy. [holding up a glass] And here's the next 100. [a little bit agitated] And hopefully we won't get cancelled for two and a half fucking years in the middle again! [smiling] Good night, America!

Stewie Kills Lois

[Stewie walks in with a wagon filled with various weapons and torturing devices]
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
Brian: [mildly interested] Okay...
Stewie: Then I'm gonna make her walk on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back!
Brian: [leans closer, more interested] Uh, and then what are you gonna do?
Stewie: Uh, let's see...
Brian: [eagerly] You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian: [lustfully] Yeah, she's been a bad girl.
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own underwear!*
Brian: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie: What?
Brian: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-that's all part of your diabolical plan to...humiliate her!
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian: And call her a bitch.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop **and watch her go to town on herself?**
Stewie: Yes, and then-what?
Brian: No, I mean, that-that would, like-that, that would show her!
Stewie: ***What the hell does the second part have to do with that?***
Brian: No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I-I-I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is-is down there. It's-it's your... it's your project.
Stewie: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?
Brian: Who cares?! You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep. [he leaves]]
Stewie: [to Rupert the Teddy Bear] Did you hear that, Rupert? Brian is going to let us all forget about Lois! Well, no matter! This time, Lois is a dead woman!
*On the FOX censored version, Stewie says he's going to gag Lois with her brassiere.
**This part was cut on the FOX version
***This line was changed to "What the hell does that have to do with that?" on the FOX version

[after Peter tells the story of Lois' abortion trip]
Peter: Okay, explain to me what exactly I did wrong.
Lois: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!
Peter: Well, send me the crap to Hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.
Lois: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!
Peter: Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.
Lois: [pause, then she shakes with anger] You're gay! [leaves]
Peter: Pleasuring a man with a socked foot one time does not make a person gay!*

*This part was cut on the FOX version of this episode

[Stewie aims a gun at Lois]
Lois: What are you-- Wha-what are you doing with a gun?
Stewie: Something I should have done a very long time ago.

Meg: [crying] Daddy, she's been missing so long! Do you think they'll ever find her?
Peter: God, I hope so, Meg.
Stewie: [with an evil smirk] Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her. [in his thoughts] This is fantastic! Nobody suspects a thing! Ooh, listen to my voice, that sounds cool! Helloooo! Piiigs in Spaaaaace!

Brian: Hey, where've you been?
Peter: Ah, I had another date.
Brian: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.
Peter: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward.
[Cutaway to Peter sitting at a table at a restaraunt]
Peter: **So I'm a Leo, and your ad said that you're a Cancer? [camera pulls back to reveal a bald, pale, and frail woman]
Cancer Patient: No, actually, it said I have cancer.
Peter: It's not cancer of the vagina, is it? [chuckles heartily] Here, have some more wine. [pours her some wine]**
[Back in the living room]
Peter: Then there was that date I had with that stick figure...
[Cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]
Peter: So, uh, I-h-how would this work, in-in bed?
Stick Figure: [in a generic man's voice] Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter: That, uh, that sounds-
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
[Back in the living room]
Peter: But the freakiest is the date I had with Bonnie.
[Cutaway to a dark bedroom]
Bonnie: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this.
Peter: I-I don't know, Bonnie. It's-it's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine.
Bonnie: No, I-it's okay, I promise you, it's okay.
Peter: Ah, I'm not sure...
Joe: ...It's okay, Peter.

**This part was cut on the FOX version

Stewie: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
Brian: What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident.
Stewie: Which is what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
Brian: What the hell are you...Stewie...did you...did you kill Lois?
Stewie: Of course, I didn't, Brian. [slowly turns his head all the way to the side as he talks] Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep!
Brian: My God. You did it! You actually did it!
Stewie: [his head is now turned past 90 degrees] Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?
Brian: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Stewie: Good luck proving that, Brian. Now, seriously, that number?
Brian: Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]
Stewie: You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg **up in her room.
[Cut to Meg sitting on her bed in her nightgown, holding a large pack of jumbo hot dogs]
Meg: I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.**
[later at the bar]
Peter: Well, see you guys later. I gotta go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.

**On the FOX version, Meg is outside her room in her normal clothes with the pack of hot dogs.

Brian: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!
Stewie: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...
[Cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert seen in Stewie Loves Lois, playing a carnival game. Rupert tosses a ball at some glass bottles and wins stuffed bunny in blue pajamas]
Stewie: We won! We won! Do it again, now I want a pink one!
Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.
Stewie: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags -tea cups? ...Tea bags?

[Peter is accused of killing Lois]
Peter: Joe, you got this all wrong! Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donnell.
[Cutaway to Heaven, where an angel is constructing Rosie's body. God staggers nearby, drunk, and holding a beer]
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man!
God: [drunkly] Why not? I'm God!
Angel: Well, what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for. [takes a drink]

Carter Pewtershmidt: Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter.
Prosecuting Lawyer: Really? Well, that is interesting.
Carter Pewtershmidt: Yes, and as a favor to the court, I produced this simulation of how the killing transpired, I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker to play my daughter. [the tape is inserted, showing Carter playing Peter standing next to an Asian hooker]
Carter Pewtershmidt: [on tape] Lois, I'm fat, and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them!
Asian Hooker: You pay me now? [Carter pulls out a gun and shoots her off the boat. He then sifts through her purse. The jury gasps in horror]
Carter Pewtershmidt: That's how it happened. **And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gypped.**

**These lines were cut when this episode aired on FOX

Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife?
Peter: Of course I deny it. I love my wife. And I certainly think I'd remember killing her
Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
Peter: I plead the fifth of Jack. [laughs] No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.
Prosecuting Lawyer: And have you ever struck your wife?
Peter: Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.
Prosecuting Lawyer: Are you a violent man?
Peter: [rolling up his sleeves] What are you, a wise guy?! 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys!
Prosecuting Lawyer: No further questions.
Peter: You son of a bitch! If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you!

Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Jury Foreman: We find Peter guilty of murder in the first degree!
Peter: OH NO!
Bruce: OH NO!
Brian: OH NO!
Meg: OH NO!
Chris: OH NO!
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom]
Kool-Aid-Man: OH YEAHHH! [everyone stares at him, and he backs out of the room]
Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up! Thank you.

[As Peter is about to be sentenced to life imprisonment, someone enters the courtroom, and it turns out to be...Lois! Everyone gasps.]
Peter: Lois! You're alive! [Meg and Chris come to hug her.]
Meg: Mom! You're alive!
Chris: Oh, my gosh! Mom! [Brian appears on-screen]
Brian: Lois, my God! What happened? We thought you were dead!
Chris: Mom! We thought Dad killed you!
Lois: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.
Peter: Do you remember who it was?
Lois: Yes, I do. IT WAS STEWIE! [She points to Stewie, who realizes that everyone now knows he's an evil child. The episode ends in the same manner as the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation entitled The Best of Both Worlds]

Lois Kills Stewie

Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 news. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie?
Tom Tucker: Then what?
Ollie Williams: PETER GOT BLAMED!
Tom Tucker: Then what?
Ollie Williams: PETER WENT TO COURT!
Tom Tucker: Then what?
Ollie Williams: LOIS CAME BACK!
Tom Tucker: How?
Ollie Williams: WASN'T REALLY DEAD!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. And now part two...

[Lois is retelling the story of her survival]
Lois: He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship! [The scene changes to the night where Stewie is shown firing his gun at her. She falls overboard into the ocean and sinks, leaving a cloud of blood on the way down] I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman... [A fish-like object grabs her. Her head is thrust above the water and carried to an island] ...who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately, he was kind of the reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be. [Lois wakes up to a man with his upper body as a fish head, and his lower body with human legs]
Merman: I wish to make love to you.
Lois: Oh, uh... [chuckles] No, thank you.
Merman: What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy?
Lois: Yeah, but, this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different.
Merman: Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis.
Lois: Well, but I-
Merman: See? there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic.
Lois: I'm sorry, I-I'm just gonna have to say no.
Merman: Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. [makes an advance towards her, but Lois shoves him to the ground, where he flops around like a real fish, then she walks away] Dammit!

[at the Fortress of Solitude, Joe and 2 other officers knock on the door. The head of the Maid's union answers]
Maid: [in a foreign accent] Mr. Superman no here.
Joe: Oh, well, we're looking for a missing-
Maid: I, I-no. M-Mr. Superman, he-he-he no is here.
Joe: Yeah, okay. Can you just give him this flyer?
Maid: I, no, no, I have no money.
Joe: Just take this flyer, and if you see this baby-
Maid: Noooo, no. [closes door]

[the family returns home]
Brian: Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise we're all gonna be-
[a gun cocks, camera cuts to Stewie]
Stewie: So, it's all out in the open now, isn't it?
Peter: Stewie, uh, how long you been all messed up and evil like this?
Stewie: Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn!
Peter: That was an owl?
Stewie: Yes, and now we're going to look at it again. [hits Peter in the knees, knocking him down, and drags him screaming over to the picture. Stewie begins yelling while holding a gun to Peter's head] LOOK, LOOK! DO YOU LIKE IT?!
Peter: [fearful] Yes.
Peter: I don't know...
Peter: I like... how it looks like an owl?
Stewie: THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLIMENT!! [Stewie walks away; Peter curls in a ball and starts sobbing]

[Stewie is holding the family at gunpoint]
Stewie: All right, Lois, I'm hungry! Take those breasts out! [she undoes her shirt, and he puts his mouth to them, but stops] Wait a minute, you could have drugged this. Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this!
Brian: What?
Stewie: [points his gun at Brian] Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig!
Brian: [awkward pause] Lois, he's got a gun.
Lois: Look, I'll do it myself. How about that?
Brian: Uh, I-I don't know, he kinda asked me. I mean, I-I think we should do what he says.
Lois: Well, yeah, but Brian...
Brian: I mean, I'm-I'm totally willing to do this for the family.
Lois: I'm not sure...
Chris: I'll do it!

[Cleveland is at the gates to Heaven with Saint Peter after being shot by Stewie]
Cleveland: I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint.
Saint Peter: It's kind of a new policy.
Cleveland: I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me.
Saint Peter: It's kind of brand new... Do you have a credit card?
Cleveland: I got a Sears card. [pulls out a credit card]
Saint Peter: Ah. They're doing pretty well, huh?
Cleveland: One by my house. Got a Mac-Donald's right in the store.

Stewie: I'll be as big as I should have been on American Idol.
[Cutaway to Stewie trying to sing a song in front of the American Idol judges]
Stewie: I don't mind not knowing
What I'm heading for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in He-a-ven
When I'm lost in your eyes.
Simon Cowell: Stewie, what the hell was that?
Stewie: [nervously] That was, uh, Lost in Your Eyes, by Debbie Gibson.
Simon Cowell: One of the worst I've ever heard.
Stewie: Okay.
Simon Cowell: Stewie, you shouldn't actually even be alive, you snivelling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.
Stewie: All right.
Paula Abdul: Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.
Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you for me, man. That was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What're you doin', Stewie?
[Stewie exits the room in tears]
Stewie: [in a southern accent] I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' 'bout! Next time they hear about me, they-they-they's gonna be like "We was wrong 'bout Stewie". 'Cause, 'cause I's gonna be huge! I-I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!

[the family is going through Stewie's hidden armory]
Peter: [picks up a ball-like object] Man, what do you think these things do? [the ball activates and zaps both Peter and Lois]
Peter: [in Lois' body] Huh. Guess it doesn't do anything.
Lois: [in Peter's body] Well, that seems odd. [both scream] Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!
Peter: [in Lois' body] Holy crap! [undos his (Lois') shirt to check out his new breasts] Aw, sweet! [giggles] [jiggles each one to the tune of Green Acres]
He-he he-he-he, he he
He-he he-he-he, he he
He-he he-he-he
he-he he-he-he
He-he he-he-he, squeeze squeeze.

[Stewie and Brian have snuck into the CIA headquarters in Langley Falls, VA, and are being held at gunpoint by Stan Smith and Avery Bullock from American Dad!]
Stewie: [to Stan] I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie: Oh, sorry. You look sorta like someone from - Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, You'll do exactly as I say! [Stan and Bullock lower their guns]
Avery Bullock: What are your demands?

[Before Stewie and Lois battle in the Oval Office]

Lois: Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end. I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer.
Stewie: Bring it on, bitch. Time for me to finish what I started anyway!

[After Peter shoots Stewie in the head]

Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's...better?

[Stewie is sitting in a chair, where he is running a simulation of how it would be if he actually tried to kill Lois, eventually leading to his death]
Brian: Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. [Stewie gets out of the simulation chair] What are you doing?
Stewie: Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them?
Brian: Yeah?
Stewie: Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
Brian: Yeah? How'd that go?
Stewie: Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world...yet.
Brian: So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
Stewie: Yes, that's correct.
Brian: So, it was sorta like a dream?
Stewie: No, it was a simulation.
Brian: Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I don't think, that would, j-be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Stewie: Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
Brian: I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way. [leaves]
Stewie: Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen- [the screen goes black like Stewie described]

Padre de Familia

Peter: Hey, look, Lois, the John McCain Experience! [pays money to be locked up in a bamboo cage while a Vietnamese person tortures him] Aah! Aah! Aah! I want to be President! [sobbing]

Peter: [dressed up in an American flag suit] Good morning, my American family!
Lois: Peter, where did you get that suit?
Stewie: My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp. [he and Brian high-five each other, without taking their eyes off Peter]
Peter: This is how a patriot dresses, Lois! Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country. It's like loving God or a step-parent. You never really feel them love you back, but that's okay, because they got other stuff going on and you understand.
Brian: Peter, you do realize there's a difference between loving America and being swept up in post-9/11 paranoia?
Peter: Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything?
Brian: What? No, I was just...
Peter: Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian! 9/11 changed everything!
Brian: Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.


Peter: That's not true, Brian. I remember 9/11.
[Cutaway to 9/11/2001, where Lois is sitting on the couch, holding a tissue. As Peter walks by, he stops and sees the TV]
Peter: Huh. Must've been a woman pilot, huh? [nudges her, then leaves]


***: The censored FOX version cuts the flashback where Peter jokes that the pilot who crashed the plane into the World Trade Center was a woman.

[In the back yard. Peter has a goat tied up near some bushes. Lois walks out]
Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?!
Peter: Lois, I am doing my duty as a patriotic American! I'm sacrificing a goat to Toby Keith. [shot pans to hide the goat]
Lois: Peter, Toby Keith doesn't want to be fed. Toby Keith wants to hunt!
Peter: Hey, listen, don't tell me what Toby Keith wants. I think I'm perfectly capable-
[The goat bleats suddenly; the shot shows the spot where the goat was, and it has vanished; Lois and Peter look to where it was; the bar which it was tied too is now bent; the rope is ripped; someone wearing a white cowboy hat with a brown string around it is slowly backing into the bushes; only the hat can be seen]

[at the bar]
Joe: Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the Patriot.
Peter: You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle, and my balls* tattooed to look like launch exhaust.
Quagmire: [in his head] That bastard! That was my idea; he stole it! I was gonna do that to my penis! Oh, well, maybe I can do something else. Like, like, like the Space Needle...or a banana...or a Sharpie. Ah, I'm boring myself. Guess I'll just listen to some music. ["I Love a Rainy Night" by Eddie Rabbitt begins playing in his head, and he starts bobbing his head back and forth. Only he can hear the music]

*The censored FOX version replaces "balls" with "nads"

Peter: Angela, I have a complaint.
Angela: What is it, Griffin?
Peter: I think Fuad is an illegal immigrant, and I cannot stand by while he steals wages and opportunities from citizens. I mean, this is an American company! You don't see Nike or Microsoft or General Motors or Ford or Boeing or Coca-Cola or Kellogg's profiting from non-American labor.
Fuad: [in the hallway] Oh-ho-ho! Is funny because they all do! Oh-ho-ho!
Angela: You have a point, Griffin. Maybe we should run a company-wide check to make sure all our personnel are legal citizens.
Peter: Now you're talking, Angela! This country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig needs a new house.
[Cutaway to the Big Bad Wolf trying to blow down a straw house]
Peter the Pig: [from inside] Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Big Bad Wolf: What?
Peter the Pig: I said I wouldn't do that. [the wolf continues blowing] I said knock it off!
Big Bad Wolf: Why? [Peter walks out of the house; he looks just like Peter Griffin, but with the ears, tail, nose, and feet of a pig]
Peter the Pig: [hushed voice] Because I just made stool in there, and if you blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink. Do you understand? Do you understand me, sir?

Thelma: Peter, as far as the U.S. government is concerned, you're an illegal Mexican Immigrant.
[The scene changes to a purple backdrop, with Peter talking to the audience]
Peter: Hehehehehe! Looks like I've got myself in a bind. How will I get out of this one? Stick around... [starts singing]
'Cause we've got Cleveland, and Quagmire,
And Joe and Mort,
And all your cartoon pals!

INS employee: The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here. Now, question number one: Who discovered America?
Peter: Dick York?
INS employee: No.
Peter: [slams his hand on the desk] Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent.
INS employee: Ugh. Question number two: Complete this sentence: "The land of the free and the home of the 'blank'."
Peter: Home of the Whopper?

[Peter is looking for jobs in the newspaper]
Peter: "Hotel Maid Wanted." Aw, sweet! I could do that!
[Cut to Peter at a motel dressed as a maid, pushing a trolly of cleaning supplies. He stops at a door and knocks]
Peter [in foreign accent]: Housekeeping. [no answer; he knocks again] Housekeeping.
Man: [from inside] Come back later, Please.
Peter: Housekeeping?
Man: Not now.
Peter: [sternly] Housekeeping.
Man: Go away!
Peter: I come in anyway?
Man: No! Go away!
Peter: I come in anyway. [inserts a key in the door and opens it. Inside are a couple having sex]
Woman: Oh, my God!
Man: I said no!
Peter: Okay, I clean?
Man: No! Get outta here!
Peter: I clean now?
Man: No!
Peter: I stay and watch?
Man: No!
Peter: I get involved? [the woman's eyes pop open]
Man: What?
Peter: I get involved with lady?
Man: W...w... [to the woman] what do you think?
Woman: Turn around. [Peter turns a full 360°] I don't think so.
Peter: Okay. You lend me money?
Man: No.
Peter: You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment?
Man: No! No, I'm not doing that.
Peter: I stick finger in your mouth? ...Housekeeping?
Man: Okay.
Peter: Okay. [begins cleaning]

Peter: "Nanny Wanted." Well, that sounds like a good job for an immigrant.
[Cut to a Mary Poppins setting, where 2 children are talking about their new nanny]
Jane Banks: Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny!
Michael Banks: Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited! Do you suppose she'll be everything we dreamed?
Jane: Oh, I do hope so! I've always imagined the most beautiful- [suddenly, Peter, dressed in Mary Poppins' outfit, crashes through the ceiling and literally crushes the children to death]
Peter: Oh! Ah! Ah! Damn it! [he gets up; there is blood all over his outfit. He looks down at the bloody and mangled bodies of the children, and starts gasping in sheer horror. Peter then vomits due to the terror. He grabs his umbrella, closes it, and slides the bodies under their bed. Still gasping, he vomits once more, then starts crying as he runs to the window and jumps out]

[the family arrives to work at the Pewterschmidt mansion]
Lois: Daddy, we don't want any special treatment. We're here as a family and we're gonna live as a family.
Stewie: Are you serious? We come to a mansion and you want to live with the help? Ugh, it's like going to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.
[Cutaway to Stewie sitting by the stage at a strip club]
Stewie: Is there anyone here who hasn't had a C-section?

[the family is touring the Pewterschmidts' back area, where Carter's migrant workers live. Stewie sees some kids playing Ball-in-a-Cup]
Stewie: Oh no, that boy's ball fell out of the cup. Oh, but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup!

[Peter is offered a citizenship deal by Carter]
Gerardo: Peter, you must go. We will find our own way. [Peter gives him a good-bye hug]
Peter: I'll never forget you, Gerardo.
[Cut to the Griffins' living room]
Peter: Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo.

Brian: Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?!
Peter: Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
Brian: He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
Peter: Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Brian: Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
Peter: They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!

Peter's Daughter

Tom Tucker: Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, with a Channel 5 news special report.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. A flash flood warning is in effect as rain continues to pound Rhode Island.
Tom Tucker: Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa who's [singing in a Japanese-music-type manner] gonna-tell-us-all-about-the-rain.
Tricia Takanawa: Tom, residents all over Quahog have been affected by the heavy rains. Although some are doing their best to ride it out. For example, I'm standing here with 'rides a ten speed everywhere' guy. Sir, why are you riding your ten speed in the rain?
Rides A Ten Speed Everywhere Guy: I don't mind, a little drizzle never hurt anybody. I like riding the ten speed because it's fun, it gives me energy, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
Tricia Takanawa: What do you do for a living?
Rides A Ten Speed Everywhere Guy: I work at accounts receivable at Quahog Insurance, it's not too demanding, the pay is good and it's a great way to stay in shape.
Tricia Takanawa: Well we should wrap this up, you're getting wet.
Rides A Ten Speed Everywhere Guy: Well I'm living life before the cancer I have kills me so I don't mind the rain. The water feels good on my skin, it's cool, refreshing and it's a great way to stay in shape.
Tricia Takanawa: What kind of cancer?
Rides A Ten Speed Everywhere Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides. It's a quick process, both painful and untreatable and it's a great way to stay in shape.
Tom Tucker: Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents have even been evacuated to Quahog stadium for their own protection.
[Cut to Quahog stadium, where Cleveland is the only person there]
Cleveland: Why do I have to stay here?
National Guardsman #1: We just think you'll be safer.
Cleveland: But my house is dry.
National Guardsman #2: Here's a blanket.
National Guardsman #1: If you're looking for a bathroom, it's all around you.

[Meg is in the hospital; Peter and Lois look over her anxiously;]
Dr. Hartman: Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. [bursts out laughing] I mean, I mean...I mean your daughter's in a coma! What- oh my God, did, did you hear what I said?! [babbles; Peter and Lois glare at him] Brain freeze! [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, that one is going in the Christmas letter!

[Peter is treating Meg better than ever before]
Meg: Yeah, and I can't believe how you stood up to Connie D'Amico for me.
[Cutaway to Meg outside her school locker. Connie and her friends walk up to her]
Connie D'Amico: Hey, Meg.
Meg: Uh, hi, Connie.
Connie D'Amico: I can't fit all my books in my locker. Could I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? [she and her friends laugh. Peter walks in]
Peter: Hey, Connie. [gets in front of Meg] Hi, Peter Griffin. Meg's father. Say, uh, can you do me a favor? Uh, you see that fire extinguisher there? [Connie looks over at the fire extinguisher's box next to her, then Peter starts smashing her head in it repeatedly]
Meg: Dad, that's enough! [tries to pull him away] Dad, that's enough! THAT'S ENOUGH, DAD! [Peter lets Connie fall to the floor in a pool of blood. He is left emotional, and starts sobbing as Meg pulls him away]

Hospital Doctor: I'm you're daughters date.
Peter: Oooooh. Hey I got a favor to ask you, do you see that fire extinguisher right there?

Peter: [about Meg's date] This guy may look harmless by the outside, but on the inside, he could be a complete bastard, like Fred Flintstone.
[Cutaway to Fred and Wilma sitting in a lawyer's office]
Mr. Stoneberg: So, why exactly do you want this separation?
Fred Flintstone: Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like, twenty minutes shouting, "Wilma!"
Wilma Flintstone: I didn't hear you.
Fred Flintstone: Oh, there's no way you didn't hear me.
Wilma Flintstone: I was in the shower.
Fred Flintstone: Oh, she was in the shower. [overlapping with Wilma] You could have been right on the other side of the door, and you wouldn't have done a damn thing! All you do is spend my money on expensive clothes and hair-dos!
Wilma Flintstone: [overlapping with Fred] The elephant's trunk was on full blast; I couldn't hear you. And besides, you're always yelling about something! How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention?!
Fred Flinstone: But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-agressive bitch!

Lois: Look, Why don't you just talk to him? You might find out he's not so bad.
Peter: Alright, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me. [turns and faces the camera] And right now, it's telling me I have... [the word "Indigestion" appears over his stomach]
Peter: But, I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. [turns his backside to the camera] Even though I've also got... [the word "Diarrhea" appears on his butt]
Deep Voice: DIARRHEA!

[Meg and Michael are having dinner at the restaurant]
Michael: Uh, Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
Meg: What? Where?
Michael: Well, I can't tell if it's him. I, I think he's wearing some kind of disguise. [camera pans to the right to reveal Peter sitting at another table, dressed as a stereotypical Asian man with a cone-shaped coolie hat, buck teeth, and a Fu Manchu mustache]
Meg: Oh my God, Dad! [she and Michael walk up to him] What do you think you're doing?
Peter: [in fake Asian accent] Petah? Who Petah?
Meg: I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad!"
Peter: Ohhhhhhhhh...

[Stewie and Brian are renovating a broken-down house]
Stewie: All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie; I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay. [Stewie leaves with the wire and a walkie-talkie]
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over.
Brian: [sighs] What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: No...what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why'd you ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: [pause] Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said, why'd you ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it? Over.
Stewie: Oh, that's better, I can hear you now. Over. You see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it. My sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is- Wait a minute, I have to say "over" even if the sentence ends with the word "over"?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. [the wire finally comes down from the wall]
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what, Brian? Over.
Brian: [grabs the wire and pulls hard] OVER! [Stewie comes crashing down]

[after renovating the house fails]
Stewie: So, listen. Uh, we're gonna wanna be leaving now.
Brian: Why?
Stewie: Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match; We've got about five seconds. [they run out of the house before it explodeds, the screen replays the explosion again and again for about 20 seconds, like in some action movies]
Brian: Didn't we have an electrician in there today?
Stewie: [nervously] Uh, he left. Uh, pretty sure he left.
Brian: Isn't that his truck? [camera pans to the electrician's truck]
Stewie: Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to Doggy Hell.
[Cutaway to Doggy Hell, where the Devil is torturing a group of dogs with a running vacuum cleaner, laughing evilly]

Lois: Meg, are you sure you wanna go through with this? You know, there are other options.
Meg: Mom, I'm not getting an abortion!
Lois: Well, I'm not saying an abortion, per se. Maybe you just drink and smoke a lot.
Meg: What?!
Lois: Just don't start doing it, and then chicken out halfway through the pregnancy because then you'll wind up with Chris.

[Chris is working as an usher.]
Neil Goldman: Hello.
Chris: Hi. Name, please.
Neil Goldman: Neil Goldman.
Chris: [checks his list] Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman.
Neil Goldman: Oh, I beg your pardon. I meant to say Chris Griffin.
Chris: [checks his list] Griffin, Griffin. Oh, here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. [hands his list and pen to Neil] Well, you'll need this.
Neil Goldman: Name, please.
Chris: Chris Griffin.
Neil Goldman: [checks his list] Griffin, Griffin, hmm. I'm sorry, sir, Chris Griffin has already checked in.
Chris: Well, that's impossible!

Meg: Mom, I can't do it! I can't get married!
Lois: What? Why not?
Meg: Because... I'm not pregnant.
Lois: What do you mean... How do you know?
Meg: [sighs] I got my period.
Lois: Oh.
Meg: I must've read the test wrong. What am I gonna do? Michael's out there, waiting for me.
Lois: Well, Meg, the best thing you can do is be honest. Just tell Michael the truth. If he cares about you, he'll understand.
Meg: I'll try. Thanks, Mom. I love you.
Lois: too, Meg.


Stewie: [about Peter's mustache] Ugh, that's the ugliest thing the Fatman's grown since that horse leg.
[Cutaway to Peter looking in the refrigerator; one of his legs is that of a horse. Brian enters behind him]
Brian: Hey, Peter, have you seen my- [Peter violently kicks him in the face, leaving him covered in blood] AHH!
Peter: Oh, Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me, because I will get scared.

Stewie: If you plopped me in the middle of a high school, I could be the most popular kid there in a week.
Brian: Really? Would you, care to place a wager on that?
Stewie: Absolutely. What are the stakes?
Brian: Okay, if I win, and you can't do it, you have to put your nose in Meg's hat and take an eight-second inhale.
Stewie: Okay, it's a bet.
Brian: Great.
Stewie: Kiss on it?
Brian: What?
Stewie: [sheepishly] Oop.

[Peter and Brian walk into an Italian deli]
Peter: Boy you know I always wanted to come in here, and now that I have a mustache the timing feels right.
Brian: Wow all this stuff looks pretty good. Uh can we get we get some salami and....
Peter: Brian Brian, let me handle this. Ah Scusi, babadeboopi?
Deli Owner: Che cosa?
Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Speaking Italian. Babadeboopi, beebeda boobeda babada babada.
Brian: Peter you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.
Peter: Bo baddi baba. Bobo beepy boopa baba beepy bappa.
Deli Owner: [yelling at Peter]
Peter: [still speaking gibberish]
Deli Owner: [still yelling at Peter]
Peter: [still yelling gibberish]

[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]
Stewie: Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.
[Cutaway to Will Smith recording a rap song]
Will Smith: Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum,
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready,
Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what!
Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job,
So you can help pay for school supplies,
A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house,
Someone just cleaned that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!

[Peter is sitting at the kitchen table, facing away from the camera, after losing his mustache]
Lois: Peter, have you seen Brian?
Peter: [muffled voice] No, Lois. I have not.
Lois: Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I- [she gets a good look at his face] What is that on your head? [Peter turns around to reveal Brian duct-taped to his face]
Peter: It's a mustache, Lois! What? You never seen a mustache before?
Brian: Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Peter: Quiet, mustache!
Lois: Oh my God, Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself; Let Brian down!
Peter: No! I'm not living my life without a mustache! Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo-gas. [Brian farts] Mustache fart.

[Peter and Brian are in McBurgertown, with dozens of hamburger wrappers on the table as Peter is eating a burger]
Brian: Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, thirty hamburgers.
Peter: [with his mouth full] Shut up, Brian, it relieves the pain of moustachelessness. [normally] And it's working! I no longer feel the pain! Come to think of it, I...can't really feel anything on the left half of my body.
Brian: Really? That doesn't sound good. [Peter's left eye begins to twitch uncontrollably] Peter, are you winking at me? [Peter begins spasing out and screams before falling on the floor] Oh my God! Someone call an ambulance!
[Cut to the hospital, where the family has gathered]
Lois: [to Dr. Hartman] Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay?
Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed.
Lois: Oh my God! [Lois kneels down and embraces Peter in bed; his left eye and part of his mouth are grotesquely hanging over] Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel?
Peter: [slurring] Uh... Had better days, Lois. Had better days.

Stewie: So I'm shavin' last night at this makeout party. I took a bunch of pictures. You can see 'em on my MySpace page, along with my favorite songs and movies and things that other people have created but that I use to express my individualism.

[Peter just crashed his car]
Man in a canoe: STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!
Peter: Stop mocking me!

[after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school]
Stewie: Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie: Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie: Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.
Brian: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian: Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.

Brian: How do you expect to do that?
Peter: Are you kiddin'? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point?
[Cutaway to Peter sitting on a couch with Robin Williams]
Peter: Okay, religion.
Robin Williams: Oh, religion! "You kill me, I kill you, we both go to heaven, [ululates] 72 virgins, huh! You might have to help me out with the last ten or so [high voice] because Mr. Happy gets tired!" Religion.
Peter: [sighs] Uh...politics.
Robin Williams: Oh, politics! [in a southern voice] "Well, we're gonna come down there, and take all your oil!" [Arab voice] "But this is our oil!" [southern voice] "Yee-ha! Well, here's my missile!" [Arab voice] "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics.
Peter: Ugh, you know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. [gets up and leaves]
Robin Williams: Oh, five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? [wolf-whistles] "Hey, baby, I'm not gay." [gay voice] "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break.

[at Anal Point; Stewie and Connie D'Amico are together in the car]
Stewie: You enjoy the movie, baby?
Connie: Yeah, but I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. [takes her shirt off]
Stewie: [thinking that she's going to feed him] Ugh, no thanks. I am stuffed.
Connie: So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it?
Stewie: All right, baby. Those are the magic words. Check out my penis!1 [stands up, and pulls his pants down]
Connie: [gasps] Oh, my God!
Stewie: Yeah, I am ready for sex. I drank eight gallons of water today; This baby's ready to explode.
Connie: there more underneath, or is that it?
Stewie: I'm sorry?
Connie: [laughs] Zac, just get the hell out of my car. [continues laughing as Stewie exits the car. Connie drives off.]
1: [Only on DVD. All other versions have Stewie saying "Now, check this out!" instead]

[Peter and Brian entered a slaughterhouse]
Peter: My God, what is this?!
Brian: This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
Cow: Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow.
Peter: DaCow?
Cow: DaCow. Except we spell the chau part C-O-W, like cow. So it's kind of,, sort of a dark joke.
Brian: Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's, that's really funny.

[at school, word of Stewie's penis has spread]
Stewie: What the hell is going on here?
Girl: Nothing, Baby Penis! [the others laugh]
Stewie: Well, yes, I have a baby- ohhhh. [childishly] Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis! I think they're messy!

Stewie: [after making out with Connie while naked] Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! [everyone gasps; the school security guards come and place Connie in handcuffs]
Connie: Ah! Hey! [the guards take her away]
Stewie: That's right! To hell with you all! I am who I am. [walks off down the hall as everyone look down at him, surprised as Bob Dylan's "The Hurricane" plays]

[The Griffins and the Cow are at home watching TV]
Peter: Quiet, everybody, this is it!
Tom Tucker: [on TV] The McBurgertown franchise suffered a publicity setback today from which it may not recover thanks to testimony regarding its practices by a very brave cow.
Cow: [on TV in front of the town hall] I have revealed to you today these horrors in a hope that you will see the need for change. But always remember: what I have done here today is not a courageous act. The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say "No" to a fast food restaurant, and eat a salad instead. To say, "I will eat this salad with pride! I don't care if I look like a gay person!" So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say, "Thank you." [at the Griffins' house] And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to expose this grave injustice.
Lois: Where will you go now, Mr. Cow?
Cow: I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here.
Lois: Oh...gosh... [stuttering] Yeah, I-I don't- I don't really see how that's gonna work out.
Cow: I said, uh... Peter just promised that-
Peter: Yeah, I-I should stop you there, I didn't really promise anything. I just said, "Maybe if it was okay with Lois."
Lois: Boy, it, it just seems like a real burden to me.
Cow: Well... This is pretty awkward. [everyone sits in silence]

Back to the Woods

Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're some place where a TV is.

[Peter, Lois, and Brian are on the couch. Lois opens Peter's credit card bill]
Lois: [gasps] Oh my God, Peter, your Visa bill is $16,000! Somebody's been using your credit card! Didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet?
Peter: I hear what you're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very low rate of interest. [pops his mouth]
Brian: Let me see that. [reads the bill] A big-screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets- Peter, someone's obviously stolen your credit card.
Peter: Well, here's the good news, Brian: whoever the thief is, he's spending less than my wife! [pops his mouth]

[James Woods, having stolen Peter's identity, calls Joe over]
James Woods: Hello, officer. Would you be kind enough to remove this trespasser from my home?
Peter: What are you talkin' about? This is my house!
James Woods: No, this house belongs to Peter Griffin. [pulls out Peter's wallet] And that's me. [gives its contents to Joe]
Joe: [going through the contents] Hm, driver's license, social security card, passport, title to the house...[sighs] This puts me in a tough spot.
Lois: Joe, you can't possibly believe this! You know who Peter is!
Joe: I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork.
Brian: Oh, come on! This is identity theft!
Joe: I'd hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice. [to Peter] I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.
James Woods: Thanks, Joe. Clam later? We'll waste a few?
Joe: [to James] Sure, Peter.
Lois: Joe!
[Joe forces the real Peter out of his house]
James Woods: ***Hey, not so fast, pal, but...those are my clothes.***
Peter: Oh, come on!
Joe: You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. [Peter strips naked and hands his clothes to James] Right down to the poop sack. [Peter and James stare at him] What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [screaming to across the street] DAMMIT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!
***In later airings, he said, "Wait! (pointing to Peter's clothes) Those are mine."

[Brian is glaring at James Woods, who is still under Peter's identity and wearing his clothes]
Brian: You won't get away with this, Woods.
James Woods: You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian. You're more of an outdoor dog.
Brian: What the hell does that mean?
[Cut to Brian tied to a wooden post in the back yard]
Brian: This is so humiliating. For God's sake, I went to Brown, and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind of- [suddenly a squirrel goes by, and Brian starts chasing it and barking. He goes in circles until he wraps the leash around the post and chokes on it] What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter. What sort of black magic is this? [Stewie runs over to Brian]
Stewie: Brian, guess what. I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this!
Brian: [stands up in excitement] Really? Did he like it?
Stewie: He wants to option it and make a movie!
Brian: [wags his tail] Really?!
Stewie: No, he didn't really respond to it.
Brian: [disappointed] Oh. Listen, I need your help: run inside and get me a pair of scissors.

[Second FOX airing and Adult Swim airing]

Stewie: No.
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: Because you made me watch that video with the 2 girls and a cup.
[cutaway to a shot of Stewie in front of the computer and Brian standing behind him]
Stewie: Okay, wait, so what is this now?
Brian: Just watch. [clicks the mouse]
Stewie: Why is there a camera?
Brian [adjusting the camera]: J-just watch. [docile music starts playing]
Stewie: [with a bored look on his face] Okay. They're lesbians, clearly. [short pause] I don't know... I don't know what else... [his eyes open in interest] wait... wait... [Brian laughs quietly as Stewie looks on, now in slight shock] W... w-w-what? W-what? [Brian laughs again] No... no! Ahh! [recoils in shock as Brian continues laughing throughout] Ahhhh! AHHH! AHHHH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! OH MY GOD! Ahhh! Ughhh! Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream aga-- OH, MY GOD!! OH!! [Stewie covers his mouth and shuts his eyes, then peeks at the computer again] Oh! Oh, my God! [short pause; Stewie shuts his eyes again] Oh! [pause] Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God! Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that? Oh my God, that'd be even worse! I mean, like, would that... would that even exist? Like... like, where would you even find that? Let's type it in and see what comes up.
[back to the present...]
Stewie: So you can just rot out here, Brian! [walks away]

[First FOX airing and syndication]

Stewie: Okay. I just hope I don't get distracted. I am a baby after all. [walks away] Ooh, a brightly colored dish towel! What did I come in here for?

[Chris walks into the kitchen from outside; James still has Peter's identity]
Chris: Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner. [Peter walks in wearing a typical kid's clothes, including a white/green-striped shirt and a red cap] Mom, "Dad," this is Scooter.
Lois: [turns around see Peter, recognizing him immediately to her pleasure] Oh...hello, Scooter.
Peter: Hey everybody! Sure is swell of you to have me over! What's for eats, Mrs. G?
Lois: Uh, meatloaf, Pe-I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it.
Peter: Leapin' Lizards, meatloaf is my favorite!
Meg: Scooter, how come we've never met you before?
Peter: [breaking character] Shut up, Meg.
James Woods: [suspiciously] You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table.
Peter: Oh, my bad, Mr. G.
Chris: Dad, no! [Peter removes his hat]
James Woods: A-HA! I should have known! [pulls out a shotgun] Get out of my house right now! [cocks the gun] Son of a bitch!! [Peter runs out of the house as James fires several times. Peter then gets on a child's big wheel and pedals down the street until he crushes it and starts crying in pain like a child]

[Peter is now staying at a hotel with Brian; James still has Peter's identity]
Brian: Wait a minute, Peter... If he's Peter Griffin, then that means you can be James Woods.
Peter: That's a great Idea, Brian! If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family!
Brian: No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you; you can ruin him.
Peter: I'll do it. I'll be James Woods. [goes out on the fire escape] From this day forth, I am James Woods! And I'll stick to that story even if nobody believes it. [camera pans down to Vern, one of the Vaudeville duo, now as a ghost]
Vern: I'll tell you what nobody believes in- ghosts. [starts singing and dancing to piano music]
Where did Robinson Crusoe go?
With Friday on Saturday Night? Ha! ...Damn! Play me off, Johnny! [camera pans down to Johnny in Hell, who plays his piano part as always] [cut back to Vern, addressing the audience] You're probably wonderin' why he's in Hell. Johnny liked little boys.

[as James Woods still has Peter's identity, Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]
David Letterman: Wait a minute, you're not James Woods!
Peter: Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
James Woods: [at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
David Letterman: Wow, I-I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Peter: Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September, 11th 2000-Fun. [the studio audience gasps]
James Woods: No! No, no, no, no!
David Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Peter: Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A swarm of planes. And I go, "Come on!" You know, it-it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like-it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James, I don't want to hear any more about this.
Peter: And the voice of the lead plane is David Spade.
James Woods: What?! I would never work with David Spade, that...dwarf, that...skinny chickenshit!
Peter: [after he and Brian capture James Woods in a sealed wooden crate] All right. Next time, make sure you keep the lock closed when we capture him. Okay?

Play it Again, Brian

Lois: Come on, Peter! We're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad- [turns around to find Peter dressed in fishing gear]
Peter: Oh...right.
Lois: You didn't forget, did you?
Peter: No, no, I didn't forget. Uh, let me just change out of this fishing gear. [leaves. As Lois reaches into her bag and checks her make-up, we see from the window Peter running outside and knocking on Cleveland's door]
Cleveland: Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter: [panicked] Come on, come on! We gotta go now! We gotta go now! Come on! Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on, go, go, go, go, go! [Quagmire runs out with fishing gear as Joe backs his truck up] Pull the car around! Come on, let's go! [they get in and drive off. a moment later, the phone rings, and Lois answers it]
Lois: Hello?
Peter: Lois? This is Peter. I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill. You'd best go to lunch without me.
Lois: Why do I hear an engine?
Peter: Uh, because my stomach is rumbling in a way that sounds like the engine of Joe's fishing truck.
Lois: Peter, are you lying?
Peter: Oh, now she's a doctor, guys!
Quagmire: Hi, Lois!
Peter: Quagmire says "Hi."
Lois: Damn it, Peter, you're going fishing, aren't you? You promised me you'd come to lunch with my parents today!
Peter: Well, Lois, until we get an appointment secretary, things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks.
Lois: Ugh, my parents are not gonna like this, Peter! You know, they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding.
[Cutaway to Peter and Lois' wedding]
Minister: You may now kiss the bride.
Peter: Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her!

[at the table with Chris]
Chris: Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?
Lois: Well, sort of. I mean, we planned that lunch two weeks ago. But he promised he'd go with me to put flowers on my grandmother's grave this afternoon, so I guess it's all right. Peter, are you ready- [Lois gets up and turns around to find Peter dressed in diving gear]
Peter: Oh...right.

[in bed at night]
Brian: So, uh, a lot of tension with Peter lately, huh?
Lois: [sighs] That's an understatement, Brian. He's been incredibly thoughtless lately; Even more so than usual. But tonight is our sex night, and a little physical release will do us both some good. Peter, are you re- OH, COME ON! [she turns to find Peter dressed in a beekeeper suit]
Peter: Lois, I know it's late, but me and the guys were going beekeeping.

TV': Now we return to "Damn Nature, You're Scary" on BET.
Annonucer': [a cheetah is running] Damn look at that son-of-a-bitch go. He hauling ass. That thing come to my house I kill it! [the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it] That little rat-looking thing just got ate! DAMN NATURE, YOU SCARY!

[Herbert is babysitting Meg, Chris, and Stewie]
Herbert: All right, children. Your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple of days, so I wanna lay down a few ground rules. No cussin', clean your plates, and only a half hour of radio, and then it's off to bed.
Chris: Well, that sucks!
Herbert: And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.
Meg: No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.
Herbert: Well, no offense to you, Meg, but you're a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

Brian: Ah, this is gonna be great; a whole evening with Lois! We're gonna have such a fun time. [in his imagination] Lois, my darling! [kisses her]
[back to present]
Brian: Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes.... [in his imagination, again] Lois, my darling! [kisses her]
[back to present, again]
Brian: ....a little music, some candlelight. [in his imagination, again] Lois, my darling! [kisses her]
[back to present, again, this time, Brian stops]
Brian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What am I doing?! This is Lois, Peter's wife! How could I think about trying anything?!
[his cell phone rings]
Brian: Hello?
Stewie: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage?
Brian: Um....
Stewie: No, right?
Brian: No.
Stewie: Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian.
Herbert: Damnit, I'm missing Boy Meets World for this?!

[after Brian throws himself at Lois, he calls Stewie for advice]
Brian: ...I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Stewie: Ugh, that's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show.
[Cutaway to Stewie standing in the middle of a crowd of hippies. He is wearing only his pants, and his pupils are ridiculously dilated]
Stewie: Does anyone wanna buy my shirt? ...I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

Peter: Mornin', Lois.
Lois: Peter, there you are! Were you down at that hotel bar all night again?
Peter: I was, Lois, and you know who's staying at this hotel? Nathan Lane. We got wasted at the bar and he ended up asking me to marry him, so I convinced this minister to do the job, but the joke's on Nathan Lane 'cause gay people can't get married!
Lois: They can in this state, Peter.
Peter: Oh. Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's.

Peter: I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois. He's a real pal, you know that?
Lois: Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about.
Peter: Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he? The one guy I know I can trust.
Lois: Brian tried to have sex with me. [Peter looks at her sternly]
Peter: ...Was he bigger than me?

Herbert: [reading Peter and the Wolf to Chris as a bedtime story] "... and they told Peter to stay away from the wolf. But he didn't listen to them..." 'Cause he's his own man. And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous turn out to be the most fun! Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter... [whistles the theme to "Peter and the Wolf"]
Chris: Are you a pedophile?

[Peter joins Brian at the bar after Peter finds out about Brian's affair with Lois]
Peter: Hey, uh, Lois told me there was some funny business.
Brian: Yeah, what of it?
Peter: Well, it's just...I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and...I mean, all the dry food I bought for you over the years?
Brian: Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that?
Peter: Say what now?
Brian: You don't deserve her! She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation!
Peter: Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!
Brian: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Peter: Oh, y-you're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian! You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.
[Brian throws his drink at Peter and the two start fighting]
Nathan Lane: Stop it! Get off my husband.

Nathan Lane: Now come on Peter, you promised me we'd have dinner with my parents.
[Pans out to Peter, who is in full fishing gear]
Peter: Oh...right...

The Former Life of Brian

[Brian and Stewie are at a birthday party]
Brian: Hey Stewie, you ready to go home?
Stewie: About an hour ago, this party sucks.
Brian: What happened to your face?
Stewie: I'm a kitty cat. Stupid face painters apparently never heard of Darth Maul. This party's worse then a Mexican funeral.
Mexican Pastor: Es con mucho dolor que digamos adios a Javier; y Pepe y Carlos y Lupe y Otra Lupe, Salvador, Fabian, Jesus, Maria, Vincente y los perros de Vincente. (translates into: It is with great pain that we say goodbye to Javier, and Pepe, and Carlos, and Lupe, and the other Lupe, Salvador, Fabian, Jesus, Maria, Vincente, and Vincente's dogs)

[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]
Stewie: Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Saw me in half.

[At the birthday party, Stewie is dressed as a girl in a red dress for Brian's act]
Stewie: I can't believe I agreed to four costume changes. Oh, who am I kidding? I insisted on it.

Stewie: You suck donkey ass.
Matthew McConaughey: Now you can't prove that.

Brian: [referring to Tracy] Well, I suppose I could look her up. I just wonder if she'd even want to see me. I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world.
[Cutaway to Brian and a young, attractive Tracy talking on a couch]
Tracy: ...And then, in high school, I was violated sexually by my father. It happened on numerous occasions, and I was too afraid to tell anyone because I felt like, somehow, it was my fault.
Brian: do go all the way.

Tracy: Brian, this is my son, Dylan. (Dylan stands next to Tracy)
Stewie: No way!!! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Stewie: Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a thirteen-year-old son when you yourself are only seven?
Brian: Well, those are dog years.
Stewie: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

[Tracy has dropped off Dylan at the Griffins' house]
Lois: Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family.
Brian: I don't know. W-where's he gonna sleep?
Lois: He could sleep in Stewie's room. [to Stewie; sweet-talking] Would you like that, sweetie?
Stewie: [sarcastically] No, my pants just got shorter 'cause I hated the idea.

[Dylan has thrown a vase of flowers against a wall]
Peter: Something on your mind son?
Dylan: Shut up, you're just a fat old bastard.
Peter: Well not to get technical son, but you are the bastard. [moving his head up and down] Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah.
[Cutaway to an early 20th century-style comic titled "Peter Griffin's Front Parlour Ribticklers." The first panel shows Peter and a gentleman, both of whom are neatly dressed. The gentleman tells Peter, "I say, how do you get into a building which has neither doors nor windows?" The next panel shows Peter saying "I'll bite. How?" The next panel shows the gentleman saying, "You run around and around until you're all in. The last panel shows Peter by himself, saying, "Schnockers! He did it again!"]
[Cut back to the living room]
Dylan: I hate you all. I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun I would kill you all!
Peter: Hear that Lois, now we know what to get him for Christmas. [High voice to gradually get lower] Oh, I love the holidays.
Lois: Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control. He's terrorizing the whole family.
Peter: Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he did to Meg yesterday. He made her watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python stuff that isn't funny or memorable.
[Cutaway to Meg tied to a chair in the attic, sitting in front of a TV playing Monty Python]
Man: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town. And each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say "Boing! Boing! Boing!"
Meg: I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches!

Brian: Don't worry, I've got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.
[on the baby monitor]
Stewie: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "Naked Tea Party." Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a teabag. That something that interests you, my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie: Yeah, and you're attractive. NOW TAKE YOUR FUCKING PANTS OFF!
Dylan: I'm outta here.
Stewie: Oh, did you see that, Rupert? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

Stewie: [walks in nude in front of Brian and Dylan] Just passing through. See anything you like, speak up.

Tracy: Who wants a half and half?
Stewie: Oh, I'll throw my hat into that ring.

Long John Peter

[In the vets office]
Meg: I wanna be a veterinarian when I grow up!
Peter: Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction.
Meg: But Dad!
Peter: Meg, that's final. [zooms out to show a parrot sitting on a perch]
Parrot: Meg, that's final. Meg that's final.
Peter: See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. [To parrot.] Thank you.
Parrot: Thank you.
Peter: Thank you.
Parrot: Thank you.
Peter: You're very polite.
Parrot: You're very polite.
Peter: You do not see that these days, you do not see that. I like you.
Parrot: I like you.
Peter: Oh, thank god. You know, you never really know what somebody thinks of you, but I'm glad I made a good first impression. Would you like to be friends?
Parrot: Like to be friends.
Peter: Oh god, this is all going so smoothly. What's your name? I'm Peter.
Parrot: Peter.
Peter: No way, that's my name! Hey you should come home and spend the night at my house. (To Lois.) Lois, will you make up the guest room?
Lois: Peter, that's someones pet. You can't just take it.
Peter: Well, maybe they never know its gone. [Peter looks around, and stuffs the parrot under his hirt. He then puts a dog on the perch, gives it a top hat and a handle bar mustache, and then walks away.]

Chris: (Singing) I never wanted anyone like this, its all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss, I'm crazy for you.
Cleveland: Buh
Quagmire: Buh
Joe: Buh
Mort Goldman: Buh
Chris: Buh-uh. Crazy for you

[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]
Peter: Hey guys, what is going on?
Joe: No way!
Quagmire: Cool!
Cleveland: That thing don't bite, do it?
Peter: Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.
Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch!
Peter: Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
Parrot: I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle? [Peter laughs] I had a gay experience at camp!
Peter: [laughs nervously] Oh, we, we had the radio on, and, they were talking about some goofy stuff- So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?

Joe: Hey Peter, you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
Peter: A pirate? Oh, cool!
Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
Joe: And a peg leg.
Cleveland: And a hook hand!
Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young, and then I found out she was 12. [they all stare at him] I mean, you should get an eye patch.
Joe: ...Eye patch would be cool.

[The griffins are sitting in the living room.]
Chris: Mom, can we go to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again?
Lois: Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again.
Chris: Oh boy! (to Brian) Hey Brian, look! (Chris pulls up megs shirt, and Brian throws up.) Brian's sick! Mom, get your keys!!
Brian: Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

[Mort Goldman's store is attacked by Peter and his pirate friends]
Mort: AHH! Kristallnacht!

[After Peter and his pirate friends sink Shelly Boothbishops car.]
Peter: Well done, ye barnacle munching scalywiggers!
Pirate with the bandanna: Sir, we've got a man down. (holds up the parrot, who is badly hurt)
Peter: Oh my god. Adrian Beakey, say something!
Parrot (weakly): Sh-shoot me.
Peter: Oh my god, this is all my fault! I did this! Ive screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J Fox in that Zorro remake. [Cuts to two Spanish men]
First Spanish man: Who was that masked man who saved us?
Second Spanish man: I don't know. But he left his insignia. [Shows a squiggly shape drawn on the wall]

[The Griffins are at the vet in the waiting room after Peter gravely injures his pet parrot where the doctor approaches]
Peter: Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live?
Dr. Jewish: Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead.
Peter: NOOOOOOOOO!! Did he at least die with dignity?
Dr. Jewish: Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must have frightened him because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb. So I threw him against the wall and that's where he died.
Peter: That's the way I wanna go.
[Cut to Chris talking to Anna at the front desk]
Anna: I'm really sorry about your dad's parrot.
Chris: Well, that's okay. He'll get over it pretty quickly and then move on to another wacky thing.
Peter: [offscreen] Lois, whose pipe organ is this?

Anna: My name's Anna.
Chris: Um, I'm Chris. Sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something
Anna: (laughs) You're funny. But I bet a lot of girls tell you that.
Chris: Well the only other girl I know is my sister, and she SUUUCKS!
Anna: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Chris: Wow, we're having a conversation!
Anna: (laughs) Listen, I have to get back to work, but would you maybe want to go out sometime?
Chris: YES!!
Anna: Great. Here's my number.
Chris: Awesome!

[Shows Peter standing next to the pipe organ, which is broken]
Peter: Oh no, I broke the pipe organ. (Picks up a sheet of paper) Hey look, the deed to a cattle ranch!

[Chris and Anna are sitting in the diner on a date]
Anna: Ever since I was a little girl, I loved working with animals.
Chris: Did you ever make it with one of the dogs?
Anna: What?!
Chris: I mean, uh, did you enjoy your appetizer?
Anna: It hasn't come yet.
Chris: Oh, um, I mean, did you ever make it with one of the dogs? [to himself] No! Stupid! [smacks himself in his head]
Anna: Chris, just relax.
Chris: Um, okay.
Chris: So, what kind of stuff do you like to do, and junk?
Anna: Well, I really enjoy some of the music black people have been coming up with lately.
Chris: [takes a deep breath] You know, Anna, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world, and now all I want to do is show you my innermost self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see, or that you'll see my scrotum and see that it has a seam on it, and you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened, and- [Anna puts her finger over his mouth]
Anna: Chris, I like you. [kisses Chris on the lips] You don't have to try so hard.
Chris: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.
[Cutaway to a commercial for a purple putty-like substance]
Announcer: Kids, kids, kids! Shiny, gooey, stretchy fun! "Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!" Sticky, yummy, bouncy fun! "Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!" Fly it!
Children: Yeah!
Announcer: Toss it!
Children: Awesome!
Announcer: Swim it!
Children: Ahh!
Announcer: Eat it!
Children: Whoa!
Announcer: "Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!" Kids? Kids! AAAHH! It's so awesome!
[Cut to Stewie watching the commercial, flailing his arms childishly]
Stewie: I WANT IT!!
***: [only on Adult Swim]

[Chris is at the bar asking Peter and his friends about sex]
Joe: Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural-
Chris: Well, uh, uh...sorry, Mr. Swanson. Um, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kinda hoping to get advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.
Chris: YOU'RE A TWO-WHEELED MONSTER! [Joe starts sobbing]
Peter: That's gonna be my ringtone. Quagmire, call me. [Quagmire dials Peter's cell phone. It rings with Joe's sobbing sound; Peter laughs]

[At the movie theater, after Chris gets dumped, Joe and Bonnie are walking out]
Joe: Hey, Chris, guess what we just did. Bonnie, tell him.
Bonnie: [blankly] We had sex.
Joe: We had sex!
Bonnie: We had what Joe calls sex.

[Chris and Anna are sitting on the couch in the Griffins' living room]
Anna: Well, I have to get to work, Chris. I have tons and tons of dogs to incinerate. But I can't wait to see you tomorrow night. [stands up, accidentally spilling a can of soda on the carpet] Oh God, I'm so sorry! I'll clean that up.
Chris: Oh, uh, that's okay, I'll get it. [kneels and starts wiping the stain with a washcloth] Have fun at work.
Anna: Okay. [sweetly] Bye Chris. [leaves; Peter approaches Chris and gives him a stern look]
Peter: What do you think you're doing?
Chris: What?
Peter: You, a man, are cleaning up a mess made by Anna, a woman, that she, also a woman, spilled on you, a man.
Chris: So?
Peter: You're treating her like a human being! If you wanna get anywhere with a chick, you can't treat them too nice-like.
Chris: Really?
Peter: Trust me, Chris, the next time you see this girl, treat her like crap, and you'll be cooler than a mid-80s novelty answering machine message.
[Cut to the aforementioned answering message playing the following message in rap]
Answering Machine: I'm glad you called, but I'm not home
But I'll be back before too long
You gotta wait for the beep, you gotta leave your name
You gotta leave your number, wait for the beep!
[The machine beeps and a message plays]
Peter: It's me again. I just had to hear it one more time!

[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]
Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Lois: What?!
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, what you said first was w...well, I mean, w-when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.

Peter: Chris, you don't wanna miss out on experiencing your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.
[Cutaway to Peter running down the stairs and hiding behind the couch. He slowly pokes his head up]
Lois: [off-screen] PETER GRIFFIN!!
[Peter ducks his head back behind the couch]

[Peter tries to set Chris on a blind date at a restaurant]
Peter: I don't understand, Chris. Your blind date should be here by now. She answered the ad. [suddenly, Stewie walks up to Peter and Chris' table, dressed as a girl]
Stewie: Whoa. [turns and walks away]

Lois: [referring to Anna] Then you just need to go talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel.
Chris: But she said she never wants to see me again.
Lois: Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet. [Brian walks in]
Brian: Is there any more coffee-? [Chris breaks a chair over him]
[At the vet]
Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well. [Camera pans out to reveal a severely injured Brian: black eye, broken nose and pieces of chair sticking out of his head]
Brian: [enunciating] Fuck you.

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Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor it's parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or it's parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.