Family Guy/Season 7

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If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.
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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Love Blactually

[The Griffins' costume party; Brian is dressed up as Snoopy. Stewie walks in wearing a similar costume, only he's wearing a fake nose and ears to try and look like Snoopy]
Stewie: Oh, you know, this is why you- Brian, you remember? The last couple of weeks I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk about something?" This is what it was about. This evening is "ru-eened!"
Brian: Look, I- wait, what?
Stewie: This evening is ru-eened! The whole evening is ru-eened!
Brian: Why are you saying it like that?
Stewie: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party is ru-eened.
Brian: You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this. [walks away, then comes back] Okay, just so I'm sure, really? Are-are you just trying to piss me off, or is that really how you say that?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-eened evening.
Brian: That's not how you say "ruined."
Stewie: What, "ru-eened"?
Brian: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures?
Stewie: Ruins.
Brian: And how would you describe this evening?
Stewie: Well, ru-eened, of course. This evening is ru-eened.
Brian: Say "ruined."
Stewie: Ru-eened.
Brian: Ruined.
Stewie: Ru-eened.
Brian: Ruined.
Stewie: Ru-eened.
Brian: Dumbass.
Stewie: Oh, Brian, don't be "cru-el."

[Lois tries to set Brian, dressed as Snoopy, up with a woman at the costume party. She is dressed in a shirt and a short skirt, and is covered in blood]
Lois: Jane, this is Brian.
Jane: Oh, Brian! Lois has told me so much about you. Wow, you're even more handsome than she said.
Brian: Hey, thanks. So, uh...that's a great costume. W-what are you, one of Freddy Krueger's victims?
Jane: I'm a victim of the liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus. Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year? And sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again?
Brian: [pause] Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary?
Jane: No, I have not.
Brian: Yeah. Have a good evening. [to someone off-screen] Come on, buddy, lets go. Woodstock appears and follow Brian as he walks away]
Woodstock: [speaks gibberish as one of his speech bubbles appears next to him]
Brian: Yeah, with a capital "C".

[At the book store, Brian is complaining about his love life]
Stewie: Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911"
[Cutaway to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]
Man: You think it's easy working all day?!
Woman: No-
Man: You think I like it?!
Woman: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!
Man: No, I- yeah, I like being away from you, 'cause I can't stand looking at you!
Woman: You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]
Man: Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!
Woman: NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]
Horton: [to himself] I'm sure there's two sides to this.

[Brian is packing a picnic basket onto a tandem bicycle]
Stewie: Ooh, tandem bike. You gonna take a ride out in the country and let the AIDS blow through your hair?
Brian: Get lost, Stewie. I am getting laid tonight.
Stewie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to "taking it slow"?
Brian: I have been taking it slow. We've [he and Carolyn] been going out for three weeks and I haven't tried anything. Even though she's been giving me some pretty strong signals.
[Cutaway to Brian in a room talking to Carolyn, the camera focused only on him]
Brian: So, do you have any thoughts on what you might wanna do tonight? [camera pulls out to reveal Carolyn sitting on a bed with her legs spread. On the floor are 2 strings of lights which lead to her legs, and on the side is a airport runway worker attempting to guide Brian to her with 2 light sticks]
Carolyn: [lustfully] Ohhhh, I don't know...
[Back in the driveway]
Stewie: Ooh, I don't know, Brian. You don't wanna mess things up.
Brian: Well, we'll find out tonight, won't we?
Stewie: Alright, but just one last piece of advice: Remember, listen to her body, and respond the way you'd want her to respond to you.
Brian: Uh... okay, thanks, that's very helpful. [as Brian turns away, Stewie stops him and gently rubs Brian's face]
Stewie: You'll be a wonderful lover, Brian. [he then sticks his finger in Brian's mouth]
Brian: What are you doing? [Stewie stops]
Stewie: Oh, sorry, you-you just had a little, uh, something... [Brian leaves with the bike. When he's gone, Stewie puts the same finger he had in Brian's mouth into his own and sucks on it passionately]

[At Fjurg van der Ploeg's Swedish Bakery]
Stewie: We are gonna get you back on your feet, Brian. I know what always makes me feel better: Delicious sweets.
Fjurg: [in a thick Swedish accent, holding a piece of pie] Halloo! Welcome to Fjurg's Backery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose!
Brian: What? [Fjurg drops the pie on Stewie]
Fjurg: Oh noo! You're covered in my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset!

Cleveland: [when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] OHHHH, and boom goes the dynamite.

[Stewie and Brian are about to talk to Loretta]
Brian: You know what, this is never gonna work, Stewie. Loretta cheated on Cleveland. She's not gonna want to go back to him.
Stewie: Oh, she can be convinced, Brian. Just let me do the talking.
Brian: No, I think I can communicate with her better. She's only gonna get the gist of what you're saying.
Stewie: Really? Isn't she one of those people outside the family who can understand me?
Brian: No, I think because of Cleveland, she's close enough to the main cast that it might be a little weird.
Stewie: Really?
Camera Man: [off-screen] We're filming!
Stewie: Ok-okay-alright, sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

[Cleveland is talking to Brian about him stealing Carolyn from him]
Cleveland: Listen, I just wanna clear any bad feelings you may have about me and Carolyn.
Brian: [sighs] I guess it's okay. These are passing flings, nothing to get upset about.
Cleveland: Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night!
Brian: What?!
Cleveland: You got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

Cleveland: [after Loretta asks him to take her back] Uhh... I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure it's rainin' bitches.

[The family questions Brian's intentions on getting Cleveland back with Loretta]
Lois: Brian, do you really think Loretta is beautiful?
Brian: Absolutely, that's really how I feel. [as he continues talking, the black part of his nose begins growing longer and longer] Now it is true her personality is abrasive. Slightly abrasive. [Brian continues talking as his nose continues growing from offscreen; Peter, Lois and Stewie cannot take their eyes off the tip of his nose] But overall, Loretta is a delightful person, very pleasant to be around, and free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment. [by now his nose is long enough to reach Stewie at the opposite end of the table]

[After Carolyn cheats on Cleveland]
Brian: So, how was it having sex with Carolyn?
Cleveland: I think I'm gonna remember it forever.
Brian: Oh, yeah? How so?
Cleveland: Brian, do you think you could identify a genital wart?
Brian: [pause; in a hushed voice] I... I-I-I... I-I would think that would be something you'd check with your doctor about.
Cleveland: Okay.
Brian: Okay?
Cleveland: Yeah.
Brian: Alright, 'cause I'm, I'm-I'm not a doctor, I can't-
Cleveland: No, I understand.
Brian: Okay, so, we're-we're still friends?
Cleveland: Yeah, yeah.
Brian: Okay. [pause] Well, summer's coming on...
Cleveland: hurts.

I Dream of Jesus

[Peter is singing and dancing to "Surfin' Bird" while he and the family are at the '50s diner]
Peter: A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, well the bird is the word,
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, well the bird is the word,
[to Chris] Chris, don't you know, about the bird?
[to Meg] Meg, everybody knows that the bird is the word!
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word
[to the cashier] Hey, guy behind the counter, the bird is the word,
[to a boy] Hey, frightened little child, the bird is the word, [goes to the women's bathroom door and holds it open]
Lady on the toilet,
[woman screams] the bird is the word,
Hey, don't you know, about the bird?
Woman: [pops her head out of the bathroom] Sure, everybody knows that the bird is the word!
Peter: A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird.
Stewie: [claps his hands] Again! Again! I love repetition!

[Peter is playing the Surfin' Bird record just before bedtime]
Lois: Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home.
Peter: No way, Lois. It's my new favorite thing in the world. [Lois groans and turns the record player off] Lois, I'm gonna ask you this only once: Do you, or do you not, know about the bird?
Lois: Ugh, God!
Peter: 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word. [starts singing; with each "b" sound, he thrusts his finger at Lois' nose, not quite touching it] A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird's the word,
A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word,
A-b-b-bird-bird-bird-- [pokes her in the face]
Lois: Oww!
Peter: Oh, oh God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Lois: Look, just go to sleep, alright? [turns the light out. After a pause, we quietly hear Peter singing, getting louder with each line:]
Peter: [whispers] B-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word,
[louder] A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird's the word,
A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word, [the light turns on, and we see Peter on top of Lois with his nose pressed into her's, singing loudly]
A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word, [the record starts playing along with him]
A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word,
Lois: Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.

[Peter, Stewie and Brian are sitting at the kitchen table. Brian is reading a newspaper]
Peter: Brian, can I see that paper for a second? [Brian hands him the paper] Huh, that's odd. I thought that would be big news.
Brian: You thought what would be big news?
Peter: Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Peter: Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard...
Brian: Heard what?
Stewie: Brian, don't! [Peter puts the record on and starts dancing and singing]
Peter: A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-Brian, don't you know, about the bird?
Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird!
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird. Surfin'-- [Peter starts blubbering along with the song, with eventually turns into a seizure-like fit]
Brian: Oh my God, Peter, are you alright?
Peter: Pa-pa-pa ooma-mow-mow, [gets up and starts dancing again] pa-pa oomow-ma-mow,
Pa-pa-pa ooma-mow-mow, pa-pa oomow-ma-mow,
Pa-pa-pa ooma-mow-mow, pa-pa oomow-ma-mow... [Peter continues as Brian leaves. Stewie is shown with a blank expression on his face. He then pulls a gun out and puts it to his mouth]

Peter: Wait, Jesus! Before you go, there's one more person I'd like you to meet.
[Cut to George W. Bush, addressing the White House Press Corps]
George W. Bush: I know a lot of you disagree with the Iraq War, but I answer to a higher power: Jesus Christ.
[Peter and Jesus walk onstage]
Peter: Oh, is that a fact? Because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here.
Jesus: You know nothing of my work. How you got to become president of anything is beyond me.
[Peter turns to the viewer]
Peter: Wouldn't it be great if life were like this?
[This is a homage to Woody Allen's Annie Hall, where Woody Allen, annoyed by an obnoxious man's arrogant opinion about Marshall McLuhan's work, actually brings Marshall McLuhan out of nowhere to correct the obnoxious man.]

Chris: Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it I got suspended for five days?

[on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]
Jay Leno: My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene. Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus? [Jesus comes out and shakes hands with Jay, and sits down] Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show.
Jesus: Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here.
Jay Leno: So, Jesus, what've you been doing since you've been back?
Jesus: Oh, you know, just kind of bumming around, playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating a lot of pinkberry.
Jay Leno: [mumbling gibberish:] Oh, that's right-of course--pinkberry-- [giggles]
Jesus: And I've been sampling the night life here. I raised River Phoenix from the dead, then we went out to the Viper Room and he O.D'd again.
Jay Leno: [mumbles gibberish, then giggles, followed by more gibberish and giggles] Jesus Christ, everybody!

[Jesus is ignoring Peter after becoming famous]
Lois: Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter. I'm sure deep down, he's still the same old Jesus. He may just need to figure that out in his own way.
Peter: Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois: None of this would've happened if somebody hadn't STOLEN MY FUCKING "SURFIN' BIRD" RECORD!

[Jesus has left the world]
Peter: Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone.
Lois: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois: What?
Peter: Something very special, Lois.
Meg: What is it, Dad?
Peter: What, you haven't heard?
Stewie: CRAP!!!
Peter: [Peter turns on his new "Surfin' Bird" record] A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a bird-bird, b-bird's the word

Road to Germany

[Mort is looking for the bathroom]
Mort: Oh, boy. I hope there's a scale in there. I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one.
[Mort knocks on the bathroom door. Meg is inside using it]
Meg: I'll be out in a minute.
Mort: [from outside] I really need to go!
[Quagmire emerges from behind the shower curtains holding a video camera]
Quagmire: She said she'll be out in a minute!

[Brian enters Stewie's room, looking for Mort]
Brian: Mort? Hello? Mort?
[Stewie enters]
Stewie: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! What're you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty, walking-on-the-street paws!
Brian: I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.
Stewie: Uh-oh...
Brian: What?
[Stewie approaches a giant device with a door in the back of the room]
Stewie: My time machine has been activated.
Brian: Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine.
Stewie: Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.
[Cutaway to Stewie playing with a See 'n Say in the living room. Stewie pulls the cord, and the toy speaks with an undisclosed European accent]
See 'n Say: The pig goes, "WANK!" [Stewie pulls the cord again] The cow goes, "SHA-ZOOOOOOO!"
Stewie: It most certainly does not! [pulls the cord again]
See 'n Say: The rooster goes, "JICKERY-GIE!"
Stewie: Where? Where does the rooster say that? [pulls the cord again]
See 'n Say: The monkey goes, "MA-KACK!"
Stewie: Oh, no, no, no! It does not! [pulls the cord again]
See 'n Say: The elephant goes, "THWOP!"
Stewie: Yeah, kinda...

[Mort has travelled back in time]
Brian: Oh my God, Stewie, we have to get him back! Where did the machine send him?
Stewie: I don't know.
Brian: How can you not know?! It's a time machine! Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year, or something?
Stewie: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine? Oh, yeah, oh, no, you probably got a way better time machine, yeah. Stupid dog.
Brian: Well, then, can't you just press a couple of buttons and bring him back?
Stewie: No, he can't just come back! He needs the return pad!
Brian: Well, we can't just leave Mort back in time! That'd be more irresponsible than silent movie porn.
[Cutaway to a black and white silent film of a man and a woman in bed with a piano tune playing in the background. The man says something to the woman, and a title card reads, "You're a handsome woman." The woman says something to the man, and a title card reads, "Yes, and I'm quite bawdy. I hope you brought rubbers." The man speaks, and a title card says, "Indeed, I did," and pulls out a pair of boots. The man and woman stand up in bed and do a little dance]

Stewie: Okay, if everything worked properly, this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now, we've just got to figure out where we are.
Brian: Or when we are.
Stewie: Oh, that's such a douche time traveler thing to say.
Stewie: Okay, we're somewhere in Europe.
Stewie: Aha! Brian, look! This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.
Brian: Or to Quagmire.
Stewie: [laughs] He's gross.

[Stewie and Brian are in Poland in the past, searching for Mort in a synagogue]
Stewie: Uh, e-excuse me? We're looking for a Mr. Goldman.
[Most of the men in the temple raises their hands]
Brian: Mr. Mort Goldman.
[Several men lower their hands, leaving a few]
Stewie: He's a small business owner. Tends to whine a lot, kind of a hypochondriac. [all the men put their hands up] Oh, no, y-you can't put your hand back up after you put it down- You know what, never mind.

Brian: Well, we can't stay here. We'll have to get Mort to England. That's the only place he'll be safe from the Nazis.
Mort: Oh, they're awful, those Nazis. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful, and they'll rub dirt in my ass-neck and all over my assy nipples.
Stewie: What?

[Stewie and Brian have disguised Mort as a Christian priest, who tries to conduct last rites for a mortally injured Nazi soldier in front of an officer]
Mort: Dear God, um... Uh, the non-Jewish God, be a mensch... [Stewie and Brian clear their throats] Uh, I mean a good guy, c-cause it says in the Old Book, not so old, though... Uh, You know, still good, still good... Uh, still, uh, some things, good things to say... [Stewie and Brian clear their throats again] Uh, w-we-we pray in the name of You, and of Your son, who died in a freak accident, uh, that You can't really blame on anyone... [Stewie and Brian clear their throats again] Take this man up to Your retail paying place.
Nazi Officer: Are you sure you're a real priest?
Stewie: Yeah, yeah, I can vouch for him, he's real. He's molested me many, many times.

[Stewie needs uranium to fix the time machine's return pad]
Stewie: But where do we find uranium in World War II Europe?
Brian: There's only one place: At the top-secret atomic research Berlin.
Stewie: Wait a minute. Germany's building weapons of mass destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses?
Brian: I don't know. [slowly turns his head toward the camera] Maybe because they don't have any oil?
Stewie: [gives Brian a light applause] Oh...clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

[An RAF general is speaking to a group of soldiers]
General: So let's get up there, be safe, and get bact to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.
[Stewie walks over to them]
Stewie: Pardon me, sir. I'd like to join.
General: What are your qualifications?
Stewie: I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth, and my wife is ghastly.
General: [puts a helmet on Stewie] Bombs away!

[Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]
Hitler: These filth are making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the solders cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...
Brian: Unless what?
Hitler: Unless they can sing a charming musical number. [Stewie and Brian smile at each other as music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]
Stewie & Brian: Whenever-
Mort: [standing on the return pad]: Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?!

[Stewie, Brian, and Mort arrive to Berlin]
Brian: There it is, Berlin.
Mort: So this is Berlin, huh? Doesn't seem so bad.
[Brian picks up a poster]
Brian: Dear God, this place is nightmarish. Look at the offensive way they draw Jewish people.
[The poster is revealed as a picture of Mort and the Sign Of David]

[Stewie, Brian, and Mort walk around Berlin looking for Uranium]
Stewie: [Stewie's Uranium detector points to a building] It's in here, the Uranium lab is in here.
[Three Nazis walk near the building. Stewie, Brian and Mort nab the nazi for their uniform]
Stewie: [notices something on his unifrom] Huh, there's something on here. [revealed as a McCain-Palin button on his uniform] Huh, that's weird.

Baby Not On Board

[the Griffins leave on their vacation]
Peter: Off we go! We are gonna have such a great time- [Peter's phone rings] Hello?
Quagmire: Hey, Peter, what's up?
Peter: Oh, hey, Quagmire. Just taking the family on vacation.
Quagmire: Oh, that's good. Oh, hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fat-ass driving too slow. Come on, stupid, move it! [a horn honks twice]
Peter: Oh, hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn. [we see an overhead shot of Peter's car and Quagmire's car driving bumper-to-bumper]
Quagmire: Oh, you should totally flip him off. [we see Peter's middle finger above his car] Oh, hang on a sec. Some fat-ass just flipped me off. Hey, up yours, you jerk! [honks twice]
Peter: Hang on, Quagmire. I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Quagmire: Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Peter: Hey, I'll call you back after the fight.
Quagmire: Yeah, me too.
Peter: Good luck in yours.
Quagmire: Good luck in yours. [both cars pull into a parking lot. They each step out and begin punching each other repeatedly]

Peter: Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Brian: Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Peter: Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this?
Brian: No.
Peter: The Iraqi army?
Brian: No.
Peter: Some guys from Iraq?
Brian: No.
Peter: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian: No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter:'re saying we need to invade Iran?

[Joe is scrubbing his wheelchair while chanting, a parody of the Rifleman's Creed in Full Metal Jacket]
Joe: This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine. My wheelchair is my best friend! My wheelchair, without me, is useless. Without my wheelchair, I am useless!
[The phone rings]
Joe: SHUT UP!!!

[the family is at a train station trying to get home to Stewie]
Lois: Peter, did you get the train tickets?
Peter: Uh, actually, no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those.
Lois: Peter! That was the last of our cash!
Peter: These ones have helium in them, so they're very light.
Lois: You are unbelievable! The last four days have been a living hell! Our baby is at home, all by himself, yet, instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse at every turn! A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey would talk less! [Peter gets a hurt look on his face] Here's a little tip: If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it! If your instinct tells you not to do something, IT'S PROBABLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO!
Peter: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right; I talk too much. I also listen too much. Oh, I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you. But I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me, I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. [Lois looks subdued and slightly ashamed]
Chris: [laughs] Movie references.

(this reference is from 1987's 'Planes, Trains, and Automobiles')

Cleveland: [To Quagmire] By the way, I got a Spin-off.

The Man with Two Brians

[The guys are imitating Jackass. Peter is on the roof while inside a shopping cart, being held back by Cleveland and Quagmire. Joe is filming on the ground]
Peter: I'm Peter Griffin, and this is "Shopping Cart... Roof... R-Roof-- Roof Sh-- Roof Shopping Cart... Guys". Okay, go! [Cleveland and Quagmire let go. Peter rolls down and lands badly] Ow. Ow. Ow. [he gets up, and we see his head hanging down and his neck snapped in half, with jagged bumps visible under his skin. Everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter: [panicking] I don't know. I don't know. Wh-what does it look like? Wh-what do I do? What- [feels the bumps] AHH! AHH! What is that? What is-- I feel something!
Joe: [still filming] It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.
Peter: I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm sca-- [vomits on Brian]
Brian: AH! OH GOD!
Peter: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.

[Quagmire is doing a Jackass stunt. Joe is filming again]
Quagmire: I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is "Bee Bush."
Joe: All right, what did you do to yourself, Quagmire?
Quagmire: Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey. [we see the camera pull out to show Quagmire naked holding a jar of honey and a paint brush. His genitals are indeed covered with honey] Now we're just waiting for the bees, heh...giggity. [Cleveland is shown next to a box of bees]
Cleveland: All right, here they come. [releases the bees, and they fly over to Quagmire's privates]
Quagmire: Heh, okay. Okay, they're on there. Let's just...just n-nobody move. All right, n-nobody, nobody do nothing. D-don't wanna...don't wanna make 'em mad. [Cleveland runs up and blows an air horn at the bees. The guys laugh] Stop it! Stop it! Knock it off!
Peter: Yeah, we wouldn't want the bees to get mad. [shouting at the bees] I hate you bees! I hate you bees! I hate you bees! I hate you bees! I hate you bees! I hate you bees! I hate you bees!
Quagmire: No, stop-stop it! Stop it! Knock it off! Knock it off! I'm serious! Stop! Stop! Stop! Just stop! [Peter stops] Alright, that's enough! That's enough! Jus-- that-that-- just get 'em off! Get 'em off! Put 'em back in the hive!
Peter: Yeah, all right, enough is enough. Cleveland, open the hive.
Cleveland: All right, Quagmire. Bring 'em over here. [opens the hive. Quagmire slowly side-steps his way to the hive, until Peter runs and shoves him into the hive. The bees all attack him as the guys laugh like crazy]
Joe: Oh, my! [from the camera, we see Peter's hand holding a hair clipper and moving towards Cleveland as Psycho music plays. He shaves off a chunk of his hair. The guys laugh]
Cleveland: AHH! WHAT THE FUCK?! Why would you do that?!
Brian: Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner. [we see Peter do the same thing to Brian's head] AHH! AHH! [everyone but Brian laughs]

[Stewie tries to convince Brian that New Brian is his replacement]
Stewie: You're getting old, Brian, ant they know it. You're no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt. T-that's what-- y-you're Carol Alt.
Brian: I'm through listening to you.
Stewie: Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt.
[Cutaway to a bedroom, where we see a person completely under the covers]
Old Man: [from the other room] Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on The Family Man. [a large horn pops out from the covers to listen]
Carol Alt: [in an old lady's voice] What?
Old Man: Huh?
Carol Alt: What?
Old Man: Huh?
Carol Alt: What?
Old Man: I forget.
Stewie: And besides, Brian, the evidence is all right in front of your nose. [Peter and New Brian come downstairs]
Peter: [laughing] That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father.
New Brian: [in a deep voice] "Punky... [Peter laughs] Oh, Punky... [Peter laughs] Oh, Punky, you have a dog named Brandon." [they walk away as Peter keeps laughing]
Stewie: [mocking Brian] Hi, I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip.
[Cutaway back to the bedroom]
Old Man: They did it again!
Carol Alt: Who?
Old Man: The Family Man!
Carol Alt: Is that the one with the fish?
Old Man: No, that's American Boy.

[New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie and Stewie comes up and sits down next to New Brian]
Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see your having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Hwhip.
[New Brian doesn't say or do anything]
Stewie: Everying better with Cool Hwhip.
[New Brian still doesn't say or do anything]
Stewie: Did you hear what I said?
New Brian: Yeah, what about it.
Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
New Brian: No, why would it?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm putting emphasis on the H.
New Brian: Sounds right to me.
Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.
Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.
[Camera widens to reveals Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and New Brian]
Buzz Killington: Stewie. Do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his Trans-Atlantic crossing?
Stewie: No.
Buzz Killington: Because...he was quarted on the port-side. [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.
[Stewie groans]

Tales of a Third Grade Nothing

[Peter is trying to get a promotion at work]
Peter: Lois, I am doing this for the executive bathroom. And I'm not giving up on my dream, like I did with that indoor hot air balloon.
[cutaway to Peter lighting a blowtorch, then walking into the house, which has white balloon-like fabric sticking out of the windows. The "balloon" starts inflating.
Peter: And away we go! [the house lifts off the ground and floats past Cleveland's house, hitting it along the way. The front breaks away, just like in "Hell Comes to Quahog" and "Barely Legal", revealing Cleveland in his bathtub]
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, NO, NO! [the bath falls off the floor and breaks] I can't feel my legs!
Joe [Off-screen]: Welcome to the party, pal.
Cleveland: No, wait, there they are.
Joe: Aww.

[Peter is at the spelling bee]
Tom Tucker: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy.

External links

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