Father Ted

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Father Ted (1995-1998) was a television situation comedy set on the extremely remote fictional Craggy Island off the west coast of Ireland. It was written by Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan.

The main characters were Father Ted, Mrs Doyle (the housekeeper), the simple-minded Father Dougal and the permanently drunk Father Jack.

Series 1

Good Luck, Father Ted

(After Dougal pretends to be on Top of the Pops using the screen from the broken TV.)
Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!

Mrs Doyle: Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack: Feck off, cup!

(Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.)
Father Dougal: Our Father, who art in heaven...
Father Ted: (sternly) Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Hallowed be thy..
Father Ted: Name!
Father Dougal: Papa don't preach...

(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.)
Father Dougal: Knock, knock!
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night Dougal!

Tom (wearing an "I Shot JR" T-shirt): Father?
Father Ted: Yes, Tom?
Tom: I've killed a man.

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

(As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.)
Father Jack: That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)

Mary: Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us.

Entertaining Father Stone

Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

The Passion of St Tibulus

Father Ted: Down with this sort of thing!
Dougal: Careful now!

Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
Father Ted: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Dougal: ...was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John O'Leary: Er...he was, yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Ah, I thought he was just having a laugh.

Competition Time

Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

And God Created Woman

Mrs Doyle: Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out.
Father Jack: Me arse!

Father Jack: (as Dougal wheels him on his chair with Mrs Doyle holding the door) Nuns! NUNS! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!

Father Ted: Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya?
Tom: No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Grant unto Him Eternal Rest

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): So then, you're a nun!

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): Ted says you were touching him!

Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead!
Father Dougal: What's the problem there, sister?

Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you're not dead are you?

Father Dougal: Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it...

Father Dougal: So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents...

Father Ted: Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.

Father Jim Sutton: Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope!

Father Dougal, catching Jack's will after Ted faints: Half a million pounds each? (Scans document) Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused)

Laura Sweeney: When is the funeral again?
Father Dougal: Again? We haven't had the first one yet!

Father Dougal to Laura Sweeney: If you're a solicitor I'm Boy George. (Next scene) Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

Father Dougal (on confessions): A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that?

Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?

Series 2

Hell

Father Dougal: I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Dougal (on July 19): Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?

Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?

Mrs Doyle (on saying "no"): It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want cake!

Father Dougal (on the Magic Road): That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes!

Father Jack: Where am I? What's that (in/thing) there? Are those my feet?

Father Dougal: Will I put on the kettle?
Father Ted: Go on then.
Father Dougal: ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.
Father Ted: Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?
Father Dougal: ...no.
  ..........
Father Dougal:Kettle's boiled there Ted.
Father Ted: Mmm.
Father Dougal: Will I put more water in and turn it on again?
Father Ted: No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal.
Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!

Father Dougal: Do you want to walk over to that fence?
Father Ted: Oh no, best not, otherwise we'll blow up with excitement

Father Noel Furlong (on Tony Lynch): He wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven!

Father Noel Furlong (on Ted and Dougal's strong bladders): Ye're like a bunch of camels!

Father Noel Furlong (on Ted): Who's a bit of a moaning Michael!

Father Dougal (as Ted struggles with the car door): You're alright there Ted. He's a fair bit away Ted... you might want to speed up a bit.

Father Dougal: God Ted, he's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away!

Think Fast, Father Ted

The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...
Father Ted: God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?
Father Dougal: Hmmm....
Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)
Dougal: Aha!
Ted: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Dougal: I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....
Ted: What?
Dougal: I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?
Ted: (mystified) What are you talking about?
Dougal: Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...
Ted: You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?
Dougal: I did, yeah!
Ted: Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.

Father Purcell: "Well this is a piece of advice my father gave to me. This refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation: he said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no, "never" - oh, I forgot. Never mind. Whats your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge; and the second one, thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. Now, I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...
Father Purcell: "We run the electricity off the gas and the gas off the electricity and save £10 a week"

Father Ted: (to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Father Jack: Thank CHRIST!

(The roof is leaking and water is dripping onto Father Jack's head down his arm and into his glass. Ted and Dougal begin to move Jack's chair away from the leak)

Father Jack:(Waking up) I'm a happy camper!

(Father Jack reaches for his glass and begins to drink)

Father Ted:(Panicked) No Father don't drink that it's...
Father Jack: FECKIN' WATER!

Father Dougal: (on struggling to make out the number eleven on his ticket) Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down.

Father Jack: Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!
Father Ted: A truck?!
Father Jack: TWO trucks!!!

Tentacles of Doom

Father Ted: Bloody hell!
Father Dougal: Good news Ted?

Father Dougal: (on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
Father Ted: No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

Father Dougal: But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
Father Ted: Dougal! They're bishops!

Father Dougal: (looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...
Father Ted: (points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.

Father Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.

Father Jack: (to Bishop O'Neill) That would be an ecumenical matter.

Father Ted: Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?
Mrs Doyle: No, a dog ran off with them.

Father Ted: Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?
Father Dougal: (after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.

Father Dougal: (to Bishop O'Neill) So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?

Old Grey Whistle Theft

Father Dougal: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?

Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!

Song for Europe

Dougal: I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.
Ted: Yeah?
Dougal: Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?
Father Ted: Half past one.
Dougal: Half one?! And the competition is on in...
Father Ted: May.

Father Dougal: [Intensely] Let's do it!
Father Ted: [Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.
[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: [Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!

Charles Hedges: Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...
Father Ted': Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!
Father Ted: Sorry?
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.
Father Ted: Ah, yes...
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]
Father Ted: Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, I thought he sounded a lot better on last year's show.
Charles Hedges: Well, once he's on-stage he's fine.

The Plague

Father Ted: What will we call Jack then? Flipper? Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack: Yes?

Father Dougal: It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

Father Jack: (points at rabbits) Rats!
Father Ted: Yes father, we can see them as well.
Father Jack: Hairy Japanese bastards!

Father Ted: That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits?
Tom: In the vice, father.

Tom: (about the rabbits) I could run them down in me van!

Tom: Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father?
Father Ted: Uh no Tom, no.
Tom: Well, feck ye! Feck ye all!
Father Ted: Run Dougal, run quite fast!

Bishop Brennan: What would the following mean to you, Crilley: 'Jack', 'sleepwalking', and 'bollock naked'?

Bishop Brennan: Once Again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.

Mrs Doyle: (arrives with lettuce and bowl of water) Time for dinny poos!

(Ted grabs the rabbit food.)


Mrs Doyle: Your tyres look a bit flat. I could give them a blow up for you with the pump!

Mrs Doyle: (on Bishop Brennan's car) So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I put petrol in?

Father Ted: (trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?
Father Dougal: (shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Brennan: You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Ted: Because Dougal, my head is shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

Rock-a-Hula Ted

Niamh Conolly: The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.
Father Ted: God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!

Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading

Father Ted: I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.
Father Jack: Sacrifice?! Arse!!

(Phone Conversation)

Nun: On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200.
Father Ted: £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!

Mrs Doyle: (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Father Jack: (During sobering up) Where are the other two? (vision of Father ted and dougal merges into one as he gains back his sight)

Father Jack: (After sobering up) Don't tell me I'm still on that fecking island!

Father Jack: (After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite!

Father Jack: (After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon)

Father Jack [sees Sister Assumpta]: Nan!
Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack [Terrified]: Nun! [screams and runs out the window]
Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...

New Jack City

Father Ted: He's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!

Dougal is very obviously drunk
Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?
Dougal: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! Oh, wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Fintan) No I haven't!

Dougal: I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)
Father Fintan: Oh, by the way. I found the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, then tough! (sticks the key in his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.
Dougal: I can see up your trousers, Ted!

Flight into Terror

Father Noel Furlong: Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest!

A Christmassy Ted

Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.
Father Ted': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
Father Jack: A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Father Ted: Who knows...
Father Jack: Knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father.
Father Jack: Women's knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.

Father Ted: Oh God, Dougal. We're in Lingerie!
Dougal: Where's the problem there, Ted?

Father Ted: Who's got the most boring voice?
Billy: What?
Father Ted: Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
Priest: (extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...
Father Ted: Right, now, listen to me--
Priest: I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...
Father Ted: Yes, yes, now listen--
Second priest: (loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
First priest: No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.
Second priest: In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!
Father Ted: Listen! This is what we're going to do...

First priest: (speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...

(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)

Father Ted: (grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!

Series 3

Are You Right There, Father Ted?

Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.

Craggy Island Farmer: I hear you're a racist now father.

Father Ted: Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window!

Father Ted: But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.

Father Ted: I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests...

Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep

Mrs Doyle: Do you think would our new guest like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow.
Father Ted: I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)
Mrs Doyle: Yes.
Father Ted: What?
Mrs Doyle: I do have some sheep tea in the kitchen.
Father Ted: Right, well, erm... Give him some of that then.
Mrs Doyle: Okay so!

Father Ted: This competition...is a sham! And a fraud! And a...sham!

Indiscernible audience member at the competition (whenever something shocking is revealed): Fucking hell!

Alan: Should I call the police, Father?
Father Ted: No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.

Speed 3

Pat: You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?
Father Ted: Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!

Father Ted: [trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?
Mrs Doyle: Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!
Father Jack: I love my, brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Perhaps we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considerate...
[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!

[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very begining of the episode; last line of the episode]
Father Dougal: Those women were in the nip!

Mr. Fox: (Dougal's New Boss) You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite.

Mrs. Doyle: Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: What! How dare you!
Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float.

Pat: [In a menacing phone call to Ted] You got me sacked. And now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I'm not getting proper sex with girls!
Mr.Fox:Better get going.Milk gets Sour,you know.Unless its UHT Milk.But there's no demand for that because its shite

The Mainland

Father Jack: Feckin' birds again.

Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!

Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained

Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!

Escape from Victory

Father Dougal: There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island.

Father Dougal: Didn't you once say that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
Father Ted: No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.

Father Ted: So there's...no way he'll be able to play?
Father Niall: No. No, he's dead.

Father Ted: More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.

Father Dougal: Got the forfeit, Ted!
Father Ted: Oh God...
Father Dougal: Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
Father Ted: All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Father Dougal: Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
Father Ted: What is it!? Break it to me gently!
Father Dougal: All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
Father Ted: What?
Father Dougal: You have to...
Father Ted: What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!

Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse

Father Ted: I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Bishop Brennan: Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!
Dougal: Oh right. (pause) Well done.

Father Ted: Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?
Dougal: Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.

Mrs. Doyle: Shall I make the beds in the spare room?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
Mrs. Doyle: OK... would you like a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, I'd rather die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [uncertain] Ok...
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Mrs. Doyle: Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
Father Jessup: [still sarcastic] No, I really would like to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [looks confusedly at Father Ted]
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
Mrs. Doyle: [very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
Mrs. Doyle: [takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]

Father Jack: Arse biscuits!
Father Jessup: What? How dare you! You apologise to his grace immediately!
Father Jack: [in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
Father Ted: [addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

Bishop Brennan: [angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!

Night of the Nearly Dead

Father Dougal: I'm hugely confused, Ted...

Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.

Eoin McLove: Go away... (pause for thought) ...you big dirty pile of old biddies!

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!
Father Dougal:(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there
Father Dougal:You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds

Father Jack: They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...
Father Dougal: He's right, Ted.

Eoin McLove: (To Ted) I can have you killed!

Patsy: Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
Father Ted: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
Eoin: I have no willy.

Eoin McLove: Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?
Father Ted: (long pause) Jim?

Going to America

Father Cagney: I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?
Father Ted: Yeah, by the balls!
Father Cagney: I was gonna say by the shoulders...

Father Ted: The way I feel now...I could convert gays!

Mrs Doyle: I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!

Dougal: Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!
Ted: No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.
Dougal: What, the anti-Santa?!

Dougal: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Father Ted: This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.
Dougal: America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?
Ted: He didn't, Dougal... he died.
Dougal: Oh right.

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