Fawlty Towers (1975–1979) was a BBC television sitcom about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
A Touch of Class
- [Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]
- Sybil: Don't forget the menu.
- Basil: I beg your pardon?
- Sybil: Don't forget the menu.
- Basil: I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
- [Basil puts the picture down, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]
- Sybil: You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
- Basil: Racket?! That's Brahms! BRAHMS' THIRD RACKET!
- Mr Wareing: [repeated line]: A gin and orange... a lemon squash... and a scotch and water please!!
- Manuel: You are Orelly men?
- Lurphy: What does that mean!?!?
- Manuel: You ORELLY!!
- Lurphy: You WATCH it!!
- Manuel: Where Orelly?!!
- Jones: What's he going on about?!
- Kerr: He means O'Reilly.
- Lurphy: Ohhhhhh...YES, that's right! [to Manuel] Yes! We are "Orelly men". [to Jones and Kerr] Thick as a plank!
- Sybil: O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off.
The Wedding Party
- Basil: Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?
- Major Gowen: "How To Murder Your Wife"?
- Basil: Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times...
- Basil: Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
- Major Gowen: The heat?
- Basil: No, no. My wife's laugh.
The Hotel Inspectors
- Sybil: Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
- Basil: Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?
- Basil: I would find it a bit easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got just a smidgen of co-operation from you.
- Sybil: Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box.
- Basil: HE'S DRUNK!
- Sybil: DRUNK?
- Basil: DRUNK, SOUSED, POTTED, INEBRIATED GOT IT?!!!
- Sybil: I can't believe this!
- Basil: I don't either, maybe it's a dream. [Pounds his head on the desk several times. Sits up, looks around.] Nope, it's not a dream, we're stuck with it.
- Basil: [yelling at his car] Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Oh my god! I'm warning you! If you don't start, I'll count to three. 1, 2, 3. Right! That's it! [Leaving the car, he starts yelling at it] You've tried it on once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!
- Basil: Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it alright.
- [Basil returns to the Germans.]
- Basil: So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.
- Basil: Is there something wrong?
- Elder Herr: Will you stop talking about the war?!
- Basil: ME?! You started it!
- Elder Herr: We did not start it!
- Basil: Yes you did — you invaded Poland.
- Mrs Richards: What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt", aged forty.
- Manuel: No, no. Fawlty.
- Mrs Richards: Faulty? What's wrong with him?
- Polly: It's alright, Mrs Richards. He's from Barcelona.
- Mrs Richards: The manager's from Barcelona?!
- Manuel: No, no, he's from er Swanage.
- Sybil: If I find out that money was yours you know what I'll do Basil.
- Basil: You'll have to sew them back on first.
- Basil: He gets paid for sticking his nose—...
- Sybil: Oh, Basil—
- Basil: No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts. Details!
- Sybil: I have had it up to here with you. You never get it right. You were either crawling all over them licking their boots or spitting poison at them like some benzadrine puff adder.
- Basil: Just trying to enjoy myself.
- Mr. Hamilton: What I'm suggesting that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
- Major Gowen [angrily]: NO! No I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.
- Basil: This is typical. Absolutely typical…of the kind of…[shouting loudly] ARSE I have to put up with from you people. You ponce in here expecting to be waited on hand and foot, well I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not, you're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble. Well I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough. I've had it. Come on, pack your bags and get out.
The Kipper and the Corpse
- Dr Price: You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead!
- Basil: Well people don't talk that much in the morning. Look I'm just delivering a tray right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" I don't immediately think "Oh there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance," I mean this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!
- Basil: Don't talk to anyone, but he's dead.
- Major Gowen: Oh. Shot was he?
- Basil: No, No. Died in his sleep.
- Major Gowen: In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.
- [After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrived.]
- Basil: They're here, they're here! What do I say? ... What am I going to say?
- Polly: Oh ... say she's ... er...um...
- Basil: She's 'er, um' ... oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's 'er, um'
- Manuel: It is surprise party...
- Basil: Yes?
- Manuel: She no here...
- Basil: Yes?
- Manuel: That is surprise!
- Virginia: There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybill...
- Basil: Look it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost he r throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot, a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
- Roger:Her driving round in the town.
Basil the Rat
- Terry: Look all kitchens are filthy Mr. Fawlty; in fact the better the kitchen the filthier it is. Have you ever read George Orwell's experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
- Basil: No, do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!
- Manuel: I say to man in shop, "Is rat." He say, "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop, he make special price, only five pound.
- Basil: Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships, from Siberia...