Flight of the Conchords

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For quotes from the TV Series, see Flight of the Conchords (TV Series)

The Flight of the Conchords is a New Zealand folk/pop/comedy duo composed of Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement.

From HBO Flight of the Conchords

Episode 1 – Sally

Jemaine: What happened there? Did I do something wrong?
Bret: I don't know. I couldn't really see.
Jemaine: I did all my moves. I walked on the outside of her. I bought her a kebab. I paid for half the taxi. Should I have paid for the whole taxi? Should I have paid for the whole taxi?

Jemaine: Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.
Bret: Hmm?
Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?
Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Dave: Hey Jemaine. Look, I don't know how they do things back in England --
Bret & Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: Whatever. I don't really give a shit. But the point is, going out with you best friend's ex-girlfriend while you still live with your best friend, that kind of thing would be considered a little weird here in the U.S.
Murray: Actually, it'd be quite weird in New Zealand as well. Jemaine, you should think about that. I've told you -- when you're in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend, past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle. You know? Fleetwood Mac situation. Well, there was four of them, so more of a love square, but you know, no one gets on.
Jemaine: Okay, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: "Rumours"
Murray: No, that's all true.

Jermaine: It's just that I think she might be the one.
Bret: Sally?
Jermaine: Yeah.
Bret: What makes you think that?
Jermaine: You just know. When it happens to you you'll know.
Bret: You said Michelle was the one.
Jermaine: Yeah she's the one. Bret: You said Claire was the one.
Jermaine: Yeah, she's another one.
Bret: So you get more than one one.
Jermaine: Some people are lucky, I've had a few ones.
Bret: So how many ones can you have?
Jermaine: Five.
Bret: How many have you had?
Jermaine: Three. How many have you had?
Bret: Just one. Just one.

Episode 2 - Bret Gives up the Dream

Jemaine: I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.
Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.
Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.

Murray: Well, no matter which way you look at it, the tape's still winning. Make sure you don't lose it.
Jemaine: I won't.
Murray: Don't stand next to any big magnets.
Jemaine: Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray?
Murray: Well, I don't know what you do in your personal life.

Episode 3 - Mugged

Bret: Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name?
Murray: Your rapping name?
Murray: Rhinoceros?
Bret: The Rhymenoceros.
Murray: Nah, well, that's not gonna fit in here.

Murray: It's too dangerous out there at night.
Jemaine: We go around walking around at night all the time.
Murray: Well, you know, anything could happen. You could get run over, pickpocketed, um, fall down a manhole, bump into... people, murdered... Imagine that! Or even just ridiculed.
Jemaine: We've never been ridiculed.
Bret: No.
Murray: You haven't? Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.

Bret: Really?
Murray: Yep. "Ah hey... ginger balls!" you know.
Jermaine: That was Bret... he called you that.
Bret: Oh, the other night?
Murray: Well, it's not just you Bret, it's all the time, and it's not just ginger balls, you know?
Bret: I thought that was your nickname Murray: No! I get umm... "Oh what are you on your way to a dick meeting?"

Murray: All right, here you are. You should wear these T-shirt with "New York" on them. All right, Just so you fit in. Here's a hat. Put this on, all right? (Puts on hat) (In bad New York accent): "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" That's what they say when... people get in the way, so there's the hats.

Mugger: What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?
Bret: It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
Mugger: (To other mugger) Look at this. (To Bret) Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?
Bret: I made it. It's homemade.
Mugger: Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
Bret: Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?
Jemaine: You can have it.

Jemaine: you don't want to mess with us 'cause Bret now's kung fu
Bret: Well actually I have a book on kung fu
Jemaine: Yeah well he has a book on kung fu
Bret: Well I haven't actually read it
Jemaine: Yeah well he has a book on kung fu

Jemaine: You guys don't really know who you're dealing with
Mugger: (John): Oh yea, and who exactly are we dealingwith?
Bret: I'm the mother flippin' Rhymenocerous

Jemaine: I'm the Hiphopopotamus; my lyrics are bottomless......(silence)..
Jemaine: I'm the Hiphopopotamus; flows that glow like phosphorus, popping off the top of this esophagus, rockin' this metropolis. Im not a large water dwelling mammal; where did you get that preposterous hypothesis, did Steve tell you that perchance?... Grr STEVE!
Bret: My rhymes and records; they don't get played, because my records and rhymes; they don't get made, and if you rap like me, you don't get payed, and if you roll like me you don't get layed.
Jemaine: My lyrics are so potent that, in this small segment, I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant. Yes sometimes my lyrics are sexist, but you lovely bitches amd ho's should know im trying to correct this.
Bret: Other rappers diss ME; say my ryhmes are sissAY. WHY?
Jemaine: WHY?
Bret: WHY?
Jemaine:Why exactly? Be more constructive with your feedback.
Bret: WHY, cause i rap about reality, like with my grandma drinking a cup of tea? There aint' no party like my nana's tea party! Hey.. Ho!
Bret: Im the mother flippin'!

Murray: Well, how many were there?
Bret: There was two of them.
Murray: Two? That's not a gang.
Bret: It was a two-man gang.
Murray: Two-man gang. Can you have that, David?
Dave: Well, that's a pretty small gang. I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.

Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: He maybe did what?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: I know, but what did he maybe do?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: Yeah, maybe he did, maybe he didn't. What did he maybe do?
Bret: No, he may be dead.
Dave: Are you guys fucking with me?

Dave: Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? What a big fucking asshole he was.
Bret: That was--that was actually me.
Murray: It was Bret.

Dave: Hey, what was that one thing he used to say? I mean, that always cracked me up. He'd be like-- he'd be like--
Bret: What?
Dave: Yeah, that's it. He'd be like, "Wha? Wha? Wha?" You know, I never understood a fucking word that guy said.

Mel: Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Did they find anything?
Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.
Mel: Oh, I--I thought you said they did.
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--
Jemaine: No. No no no.
Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if--if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth--
Jemaine: I've gotta--I've gotta go.

Episode 4 - Yoko

Episode 5 - Sally Returns

Murray: "Jermaine"
Jermaine: ..."Present"
Murray: "Bret"
Bret: "Yep"
Murray: "And Murray... yes present thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line."

Episode 6 - Bowie

Jemaine: Hey Bret, do you like penguins?
Bret: Um, yeah, nah not really.
Jemaine: Sometimes I'm glad we don't live in New Zealand anymore, cos of all those penguins. Remember Bret, how there used to be all those penguins?

Jemaine as David Bowie: So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.

Jemaine as David Bowie: [strums, then sings passionately] Wear the eye patch, Bret. Wear the funky funky eyepatch.

Jemaine as David Bowie: Oh the media monkeys and their junket junkies will invite you to their plastic pantomime. Throw their invites away.

Bret: Can I please have a look at the lyrics? (Looks at notepad)This is another one of your weird songs, man.
Jemaine: In what way?
Bret: What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?
Jemaine: Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.
Bret: That's definitely a bit gay.
Jemaine: What is?
Bret: Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.
Jemaine: I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.

Episode 7 - Drive By

Bret: Yeah, I’m not going anywhere until I get a Red Delicious and a banana.
Grocer: Yeah? [brandishing a fruit peeler] You wanna brown delicious, to the face? Now, get your shitty bikes outta here before I peel your beard off!

Murray: We got this package from your mum, Bret.
Bret: She sent my favourite box!

TV: In the Marmalade Forest (forest) Between the make-believe trees In a cottage cheese cottage ? lives Albi (Albi) Albi (Albi) Albi the racist dragon Part 6: and so, all of the villagers chased Albi the racist dragon into a very cold and very scary cave. And it was so cold, and so scary in there, that Albi began to cry dragon tears. Which as we all know turn into jellybeans! Anyway, at that moment he felt a tiny little hand rest upon his tail, and he turned around, and who should that little hand belong to but the badly burnt Albanian boy from the day before. Albi: What are you doing here, I thought I killed you yesterday! (grumbled Albi quite racistly) Boy: No Albi, you didn't kill me with your dragon flames. I crawled to safety! But you did leave me very badly disfigured. (laughed the boy) Why are you crying so? Albi: I'm crying because all of those horrible villagers chased me into this scary cave! I think it's because I'm so racist. Get your hand off my tail, you'll make it dirty. Boy: No Albi, it's not because of your racism that they chased you here. They chased me here too and I became all disfigured like this. They just don't like you and I�because�well because we're different to them.

And that made Albi cry a single tear, which turned into a jellybean all colors of the rainbow! And suddenly, he wasn�t racist anymore. So they sat in the cave (the cave!) And ate bubblegum pie YUM! Albi The racist.... Well, not anymore! Dragon

Dave: ...be that as it may Jemaine, you're (New Zealanders) pretty much the most disliked race in this country.
Jemaine: Well, what about black people?
Dave: They don't like you either.

Episode 8 - Girlfriends

Dave: Hot bod. Gross face. I get it. Just hit that shit from behind.

Murray: (Referring to record producer Quincy Jones) What are some albums that he's done, Bret?

Bret: Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall"

Murray: I'll say he is...he's off the planet. Wants to freeze himself, doesn't he?

Bret: It was over in five minutes. I mean, she fell asleep.

Jemaine: Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?

Bret: I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.

Jemaine: What?

Bret: Yeah, Iraq.

Jemaine: Iraq?

Bret: Yeah.

Jemaine: Lisa?

Bret: Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.

Jemaine: But she works in the croissant shop.

Bret: Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.

Episode 9 - What Goes on Tour

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jermaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
Bret: The grand canyon one?
Jermaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.

Murray: I'm so angry I feel like swearing.
Bret: Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Murray: Go fuck yourself Bret!

Episode 10 - New Fans

Mel: What was your name again?
Rain: It's Rain.
Mel: Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?
Rain: No.
Mel: Oh... You don't have a computer.
Rain: No, I have a computer.
Mel: Oh, you can't read...

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
Bret: Wow. What was that like?
Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.
Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

Episode 11 - The Actor

Ben: And so... it begins. (Does elevator impression) Beep.

Ben: And then there's Big Eddy. He's this tough, no nonsense mobster, and he's like: "What's with all this commotion? What's with the commotion? Will someone explain to me what is with this commotion?"

Dave: I think you've gotta use honesty here... I mean...you know... it's always the best policy. Like, the other day there was five... well maybe there was like four... really hot foreign chicks (either like Swedish or Korean) in my shop, and they were like "Dave, we wanna have a five way with you." I just told them "Honestly, Okay."

Episode 12 - The Third Conchord

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
Bret: I can't believe you just said that.

Jermaine: You gotta go in there and tell Todd... he's not in the band.
Murray: It's too late Jermaine, alright. I think I promised him, I'd just been given Nitrous Oxide. I was at the dentist I don't know what I was talking about. I think I'm going to his brother's wedding.

Murray: Look, all I want yout to do is give Todd a chance. Like the song
Jemaine: Which song?
Murray: The John Lennon one, you know.
Bret: Give Peace a Chance?
Murray: Give Pete a Chance. Okay?
Bret: Peace.
Murray: Yeah.

Bret: "Todd's not cool"
Murray: "What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he" Bret: "Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave"

From HBO One Night Stand special

After singing Think about it. Think, think about it:

Bret: There was a bit in that song where we were dealing with the issue of AIDS. The bit with the monkeys.
Jemaine: Yeah because it was believed that AIDS was contracted from the monkeys. Not the band but the animal. And we just wanted to deal with that issue - just a couple of points. Just changing the attitude towards AIDS from being "Eww AIDSy" to more like "Oh! Fun monkey disease"

Before singing She's so hot... Boom!, Bret gets out a futuristic-looking guitar-like instrument:

Bret: This is the DG20
Jemaine: We got this from a pawn shop in the future.

Bret: My wife and I weren't able to have children. That's why we chose to imagine them. The doctor suggested it and it's actually been incredibly rewarding.
Jemaine: Bret's wife is not able to have children because she's not a real woman. She's an imaginary person.
Bret: Yeah, she's imaginary, yeah. The kids take after her in that sense.


Interview with Mike McDaniel of the Houston Chronicle, HBO's Conchords takes flight. Houston Chronicle (2007-07-13). Retrieved on 2007-07-21.

Interviewer: So what's the coolest thing about living in America?
Clement: People are friendly.
McKenzie: Paying taxes to George Bush is a real treat.
Clement: What Bret means to say is the people are friendly.

"we're flight of the conchords, from new zealand" "I dunno if you guys know much about new zealand, but, uh, a few years ago we invented something we call hip-hop." "2001?" "do you remember when we invented hip-hop that day, with steve?" "at the barbecue?"

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