Flight of the Conchords (TV series)

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The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
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For quotes from live performances, specials and interviews, see Flight of the Conchords

Flight of the Conchords (17 June 2007—) follows the lives of two New Zealanders, living in New York, who are trying to break into the American music industry with their comedy singles.

Series 1

Sally (Pilot) [1.01]

Jemaine: Man, back in New Zealand I was getting it on with lots of chicks.
Bret: Who?
Jemaine: Well, ah, Sarah Fitzpatrick, Michelle Fitzpatrick, Claire Fitzpatrick... the list goes on.
Bret: That was all of them.
Jemaine: Well, triple figures.
Bret: No that's not triple figures. That's three.

Dave: Have you tried the Gulab Jamuns? They are off the hook!

Dave: Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy.
Bret: What about Eugene? [He motions towards a lonely looking Eugene]
Dave: He knows what he's doing.

Murray: (To Jemaine) I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.
Jemaine: Ok, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumours
Murray: No. No, it's all true.

Bret: I was going to be working on my secret project.
Jemaine: Your helmet that looks like your hair?
Bret: Yes.
Jemaine: How is that going?
Bret: It's going pretty good. I still need to get some more body in the hair. Pretty much looks like a helmet.

Sally: I don't think we should see each other again. I think it's best if we pretended this never happened.
Jemaine: Maybe we could have a break?
Sally: A break? No. There's no relationship.
Jemaine: ...Yet. We could start with a break.

Sally: [After telling Jemaine that they are breaking up] I've tried two New Zealanders. Maybe what I really want is an Australian.

Dave: Look, I don't know how they do things in England...
Bret and Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: Yeah, I don't really give a shit.
Jemaine: What are these supposed to be?
Murray: Those are your function buttons, for the robot.
Jemaine: They look like nipples.

Bret Gives Up The Dream [1.02]

Jemaine: Murray, we need some money.
Murray: Oh, okay. How much? [He fetches a lock box from a drawer] We've got four dollars in here.
Jemaine: I thought we had ten dollars?
Murray: This box cost six.

Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?
Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do.

Mugged [1.03]

Murray: Band Agenda. Item One: Haircut Bret.
Bret: No. Haven't had it done.
Murray: Well get it cut. You don't hear about professional musicians with long hair.
Bret: Well, Led Zeppelin?
Murray: No, I mean a man.

Murray: Item Two. A). Gig. Oh... a gig. I'm going to get you one.

Jemaine: (To thugs) You better be careful. Bret knows karate.
Bret: Yeah, I've got a book on karate... haven't actually read it yet.

Bret: Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name?
Murray: Your rapping name?
Bret: Rhymenoceros.
Murray: Rhinoceros?
Bret: The Rhymenoceros.
Murray: Nah, well, that's not gonna fit in here.

Murray: It's too dangerous out there at night.
Jemaine: We go around walking around at night all the time.
Murray: Well, you know, anything could happen. You could get run over, pickpocketed, um, fall down a manhole, bump into... people, murdered... Imagine that! Or even just ridiculed.
Jemaine: We've never been ridiculed.
Bret: No.
Murray: You haven't? Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.

Murray: All right, here you are. You should wear these T-shirt with "New York" on them. All right, Just so you fit in. Here's a hat. Put this on, all right? (Puts on hat) (In bad New York accent): "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" That's what they say when... people get in the way, so there's the hats.

Mugger: What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?
Bret: It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
Mugger: (To other mugger) Look at this. (To Bret) Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?
Bret: I made it. It's homemade.
Mugger: Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
Bret: Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?
Jemaine: You can have it.

'Murray: Well, how many were there?
Bret: There was two of them.
Murray: Two? That's not a gang.
Bret: It was a two-man gang.
Murray: Two-man gang. Can you have that, David?
Dave: Well, that's a pretty small gang. I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.

Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: He maybe did what?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: I know, but what did he maybe do?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: Yeah, maybe he did, maybe he didn't. What did he maybe do?
Bret: No, he may be dead.
Dave: Are you guys fucking with me?

Dave: Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? What a big fucking asshole he was.
Bret: That was--that was actually me.
Murray: It was Bret.

Dave: Hey, what was that one thing he used to say? I mean, that always cracked me up. He'd be like-- he'd be like--
Bret: What?
Dave: Yeah, that's it. He'd be like, "Wha? Wha? Wha?" You know, I never understood a fucking word that guy said.

Mel: Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Did they find anything?
Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.
Mel: Oh, I--I thought you said they did.
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--
Jemaine: No. No no no.
Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if--if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth--
Jemaine: I've gotta--I've gotta go.

Sally Returns [1.05]

Jemaine: It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.
Murray: More like a 'compartment'.

Murray: I thought you said Sally was shallow.
Bret: Oh she's not shallow.
Jemaine: She is shallow, but she's really hot. She's the hottest girl I've ever touched.
Murray: You mean seen?
Jemaine: Well.....yeah but then I touched her.

Dave: What's a Chinese junk?
Bret: It's a kind of ship.
Dave: Oh yeah sure. Women love that kind of sensitive nautical shit.
Bret: Really?
Dave: Yeah. Haven't you ever seen Watership Down?
Bret: No.
Dave: Well me neither, but women love that film.

Bowie [1.06]

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Jemaine?
Jemaine: (sighs) Yes.
Murray: Yes. Bret?
Bret: No.
Murray: What do you mean, no?
Bret: Not here.
Murray: Not here?
Bret : No.
Murray : Then where are you?
Bret : I'm just joking.
Murray : Well, you're obviously here, so I'm putting you down as here.

Drive By [1.07]

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.

Sinjay: I'm gonna count to ten...

(Long pause)

Jemaine: Are you counting in your head?
Sinjay: Yeah.
Bret: What are you up to?
Sinjay: Seven

(They leave)

Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
Sinjay: Yeah...
Jemaine: Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
Sinjay: That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.

Dave: The bird. It means, "Hey, don't disrespect me even though I'm going to disrespect you"

Girlfriends [1.08]

Dave: Hot bod. Gross face. I get it. Just hit that shit from behind.

New Fans[1.10]


Dave's Mom: (subtitled) Devjeet, who are those strange boys in your room?
Dave: (subtitled) They're my English friends from Ireland.

(Dave walks on screen)

Dave: Sorry guys... my roommates. Being kind of a jerk. But look I got you this...
Jemaine: Is that a woman's blouse?
Dave: No.
Jemaine: It looks like a blouse.
Dave: Nononono, this is what you're looking for, that's totally Prince. If you accessorize with these belts, I brought two depending on which shoes you wear.
Jemaine: Okay man thanks.
Dave: Yeah, no problem. And, uh, maybe hide that, on your way out? 'Cuz if my roommate sees them, and she is crazy. She thinks she's my mom.
Bret: That is your mom.
Dave: You think I live with my parents?
Bret: Is that your dad then?
Dave: No, that's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to. The weird thing is that they look like me.
Jemaine: They've got photos of themselves with you as a kid.
Dave: I know... it's creepy. I think they make them on the computer.

What Goes on Tour [1.09]

Murray: [After rapidly going through the band meeting roll call] I haven't got time for your time wasting.

Murray: I'm so angry I feel like swearing!
Bret: Aww but Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Murray: ... Go fuck yourself Bret!

The Actor [1.11]

Murray: You're telling me that this is all a joke...
Jemaine: Well not a joke...
Murray: ...organised by a couple of jesters? Is this you is it?: "Oh let's do a jest - a great big lark in the courtyard of the king and see how he takes it". Is it?

Dave: I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard.

The Third Conchord [1.12]

Demetri: Doggy dos and doggy don'ts, doggy wills and doggy won'ts.
Demetri (to Todd, the egocentric bongo player): "What do you play, the leather jacket?"
Todd: "I play the bongos, man."


External links