Friends (TV series)
Friends is a sitcom about a group of friends in the New York City borough of Manhattan that was originally broadcast from 1994 to 2004. It was created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, and produced by Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman and David Crane.
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot) [1.01]
- 1.2 The One with the Thumb [1.03]
- 1.3 The One with George Stephanopoulos [1.04]
- 1.4 The One with the East German Laundry Detergent [1.05]
- 1.5 The One with the Butt [1.06]
- 1.6 The One with the Blackout [1.07]
- 1.7 The One Where Nana Dies Twice [1.08]
- 1.8 The One Where Underdog Gets Away [1.09]
- 1.9 The One with the Monkey [1.10]
- 1.10 The One with Mrs. Bing [1.11]
- 1.11 The One with the Dozen Lasagnas [1.12]
- 1.12 The One with the Boobies [1.13]
- 1.13 The One with the Candy Hearts [1.14]
- 1.14 The One with the Stoned Guy [1.15]
- 1.15 The One with Two Parts, Part 1 [1.16]
- 1.16 The One with Two Parts, Part 2 [1.17]
- 1.17 The One with All the Poker [1.18]
- 1.18 The One Where the Monkey Gets Away [1.19]
- 1.19 The One with the Evil Orthodontist [1.20]
- 1.20 The One with the Fake Monica [1.21]
- 1.21 The One with the Ick Factor [1.22]
- 1.22 The One with the Birth [1.23]
- 1.23 The One Where Rachel Finds Out [1.24]
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 The One with Ross' New Girlfriend [2.01]
- 2.2 The One With the Breast Milk [2.02]
- 2.3 The One Where Heckles Dies [2.03]
- 2.4 The One with Phoebe's Husband [2.04]
- 2.5 The One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant [2.05]
- 2.6 The One with the Baby on the Bus [2.06]
- 2.7 The One Where Ross Finds Out [2.07]
- 2.8 The One with the List [2.08]
- 2.9 The One with Phoebe's Dad [2.09]
- 2.10 The One with Russ [2.10]
- 2.11 The One with the Lesbian Wedding [2.11]
- 2.12 The One After the Super Bowl, Part 1 [2.12]
- 2.13 The One After the Super Bowl, Part 2 [2.13]
- 2.14 The One with the Prom Video [2.14]
- 2.15 The One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know [2.15]
- 2.16 The One Where Joey Moves Out [2.16]
- 2.17 The One Where Eddie Moves In [2.17]
- 2.18 The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies [2.18]
- 2.19 The One Where Eddie Won't Go [2.19]
- 2.20 The One Where Old Yeller Dies [2.20]
- 2.21 The One with the Bullies [2.21]
- 2.22 The One with the Two Parties [2.22]
- 2.23 The One with the Chicken Pox [2.23]
- 2.24 The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding [2.24]
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy [3.01]
- 3.2 The One Where No One's Ready [3.02]
- 3.3 The One with the Jam [3.03]
- 3.4 The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel [3.04]
- 3.5 The One with Frank Jr. [3.05]
- 3.6 The One with the Flashback [3.06]
- 3.7 The One with the Race Car Bed [3.07]
- 3.8 The One with the Giant Poking Device [3.08]
- 3.9 The One with the Football [3.09]
- 3.10 The One Where Rachel Quits [3.10]
- 3.11 The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister [3.11]
- 3.12 The One with All the Jealousy [3.12]
- 3.13 The One Where Monica & Richard Are Friends [3.13]
- 3.14 The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner [3.14]
- 3.15 The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break [3.15]
- 3.16 The One with the Morning After [3.16]
- 3.17 The One Without the Ski Trip [3.17]
- 3.18 The One with the Hypnosis Tape [3.18]
- 3.19 The One With The Tiny T-Shirt [3.19]
- 3.20 The One with the Dollhouse [3.20]
- 3.21 The One with a Chick and a Duck [3.21]
- 3.22 The One with the Screamer [3.22]
- 3.23 The One with Ross's Thing [3.23]
- 3.24 The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion [3.24]
- 3.25 The One at the Beach [3.25]
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 The One with the Jellyfish [4.01]
- 4.2 The One with the Cat [4.02]
- 4.3 The One with the 'Cuffs [4.03]
- 4.4 The One with the Ballroom Dancing [4.04]
- 4.5 The One with Joey's New Girlfriend [4.05]
- 4.6 The One with the Dirty Girl [4.06]
- 4.7 The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line [4.07]
- 4.8 The One with Chandler in a Box [4.08]
- 4.9 The One Where They're Going to Party [4.09]
- 4.10 The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie [4.10]
- 4.11 The One with the Embryos [4.12]
- 4.12 The One with Rachel's Crush [4.13]
- 4.13 The One with Joey's Dirty Day [4.14]
- 4.14 The One with All the Rugby [4.15]
- 4.15 The One with the Fake Party [4.16]
- 4.16 The One with the Free Porn [4.17]
- 4.17 The One with Rachel's New Dress [4.18]
- 4.18 The One with All the Haste [4.19]
- 4.19 The One with All the Wedding Dresses [4.20]
- 4.20 The One with the Invitation [4.21]
- 4.21 The One with the Worst Best Man Ever [4.22]
- 4.22 The One with Ross's Wedding, Part 1 [4.23]
- 4.23 The One with Ross's Wedding, Part 2 [4.24]
- 5 Season 5
- 5.1 The One After Ross Says Rachel [5.01]
- 5.2 The One with All the Kissing [5.02]
- 5.3 The One Hundredth [5.03]
- 5.4 The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS [5.04]
- 5.5 The One with the Kips [5.05]
- 5.6 The One with the Yeti [5.06]
- 5.7 The One Where Ross Moves In [5.07]
- 5.8 The One with All the Thanksgivings [5.08]
- 5.9 The One with Ross's Sandwich [5.09]
- 5.10 The One with the Inappropriate Sister [5.10]
- 5.11 The One with All the Resolutions [5.11]
- 5.12 The One with Chandler's Work Laugh [5.12]
- 5.13 The One with Joey's Bag [5.13]
- 5.14 The One Where Everybody Finds Out [5.14]
- 5.15 The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey [5.15]
- 5.16 The One with the Cop [5.16]
- 5.17 The One Where Rachel Smokes [5.18]
- 5.18 The One Where Ross Can't Flirt [5.19]
- 5.19 The One with the Ride-Along [5.20]
- 5.20 The One with the Ball [5.21]
- 5.21 The One with Joey's Big Break [5.22]
- 5.22 The One in Vegas, Part 1 [5.23]
- 5.23 The One in Vegas, Part 2 [5.24]
- 6 Season 6
- 6.1 The One After Vegas [6.01]
- 6.2 The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel [6.02]
- 6.3 The One with Ross's Denial [6.03]
- 6.4 The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance [6.04]
- 6.5 The One with Joey's Porsche [6.05]
- 6.6 The One on the Last Night [6.06]
- 6.7 The One Where Phoebe Runs [6.07]
- 6.8 The One with Ross's Teeth [6.08]
- 6.9 The One Where Ross Got High [6.09]
- 6.10 The One with the Routine [6.10]
- 6.11 The One with the Apothecary Table [6.11]
- 6.12 The One with the Joke [6.12]
- 6.13 The One with Rachel's Sister [6.13]
- 6.14 The One Where Chandler Can't Cry [6.14]
- 6.15 The One That Could Have Been, Part 1 [6.15]
- 6.16 The One That Could Have Been, Part 2 [6.16]
- 6.17 The One with Unagi [6.17]
- 6.18 The One Where Ross Dates a Student [6.18]
- 6.19 The One with Joey's Fridge [6.19]
- 6.20 The One with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. [6.20]
- 6.21 The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad [6.21]
- 6.22 The One Where Paul's the Man [6.22]
- 6.23 The One with the Ring [6.23]
- 6.24 The One with the Proposal, Part 1 [6.24]
- 6.25 The One with the Proposal, Part 2 [6.25]
- 7 Season 7
- 7.1 The One with Monica's Thunder [7.01]
- 7.2 The One with Rachel's Book [7.02]
- 7.3 The One with Phoebe's Cookies [7.03]
- 7.4 The One with Rachel's Assistant [7.04]
- 7.5 The One with the Engagement Picture [7.05]
- 7.6 The One with the Nap Partners [7.06]
- 7.7 The One with Ross's Library Book [7.07]
- 7.8 The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs [7.08]
- 7.9 The One with All the Candy [7.09]
- 7.10 The One with the Holiday Armadillo [7.10]
- 7.11 The One with All the Cheesecakes [7.11]
- 7.12 The One Where They're Up All Night [7.12]
- 7.13 The One Where Rosita Dies [7.13]
- 7.14 The One Where They All Turn Thirty [7.14]
- 7.15 The One with Joey's New Brain [7.15]
- 7.16 The One with Truth About London [7.16]
- 7.17 The One with the Cheap Wedding Dresses [7.17]
- 7.18 The One with Joey's Award [7.18]
- 7.19 The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin'' [7.19]
- 7.20 The One with Rachel's Big Kiss [7.20]
- 7.21 The One with the Vows [7.21]
- 7.22 The One with Chandler's Dad [7.22]
- 7.23 The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 1 [7.23]
- 7.24 The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 2 [7.24]
- 8 Season 8
- 9 Season 9
- 10 Season 10
- 10.1 The One with Ross' Tan [10.03]
- 10.2 The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits [10.05]
- 10.3 The One With The Home Study [10.07]
- 10.4 The One Where Chandler Gets Caught [10.10]
- 10.5 The One Where the Stripper Cries [10.11]
- 10.6 The One with Rachel's Going Away Party [10.16]
- 10.7 The Last One, Part 2 [10.18]
- 11 External links
- Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
- Ross: Yeah, and — and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that — that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.
- Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
- Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
- Joey: Are we still talking about sex?
- Rachel: You're a twin?
- Phoebe: Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this... high-powered, driven, career type.
- Chandler: What does she do?
- Phoebe: She's a waitress.
The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot) [1.01]
- Rachel: [excited] Guess what?
- Ross: You got a job?
- Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
- Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
- Rachel: [showing them a box and then handing it to Monica] Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.
- Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.
The One with the Thumb [1.03]
- Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
- Chandler: Oh! Satan's minions at work again.
- Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
- Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
- [Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]
- Ross: A thumb?
- Joey: Ewwww!
- Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.
- Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."
The One with George Stephanopoulos [1.04]
- [Rachel opens her first paycheck.]
- Rachel: Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally... not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?
- Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
- Joey: Probably kill myself.
- Monica: Excuse me?
- Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.
- Ross: Joey, omnipotent.
- Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.
The One with the East German Laundry Detergent [1.05]
- Ross: It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
- Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
- Chandler: We can? All right, I'm trying that.
- [Chandler and Phoebe both get ready to break up with their significant others.]
- Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
- Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
The One with the Butt [1.06]
- [The gang watches Joey's performance in Freud!, a local musical.]
- Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've doon some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
- All you want is a dingle,
- What you envy's a schwang,
- A thing through which you can tinkle,
- To play with, or simply let hang!
- Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
- Joey: I couldn't do it.
- Monica: Good for you, Joey.
- Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.
The One with the Blackout [1.07]
- Phoebe: [singing]
- New York City has no power
- And the milk is getting sour
- But to me it is not scary
- 'Cause I stay away from dairy.
- Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.
- Jill Goodacre: [gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]
- Chandler: [thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.
The One Where Nana Dies Twice [1.08]
- Chandler: [after being told by everyone he makes a gay first impression] So... what is it about me?
- Monica: I don't know.... You... you have a quality.
- Everyone: Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.
- Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.
- Mr. Geller: She may have died.
- Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
- Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.
The One Where Underdog Gets Away [1.09]
- Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
- Susan: Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.
- Ross: [talks to the unborn baby in Carol's abdomen] And everyone's telling me, "You gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major." So on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills any more!
The One with the Monkey [1.10]
- Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
- Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
- Phoebe (singing):
- I met a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'
- How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen?
- La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la...
- My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar.
- And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy...
The One with Mrs. Bing [1.11]
- [Rachel hands out copies of her steamy romance novel draft to the gang.]
- Rachel: Oh, and — and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.
- Monica: What's a niffle?
- Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
- Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist…
- Ross: Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? Well, yeah, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
- Phoebe: I just got to the part about "her public hair."
- Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
- Ross: Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
- Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
- Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
- Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
- Chandler: Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.
The One with the Dozen Lasagnas [1.12]
- Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
- Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.
- Ross: Wasn't it supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be... flung by now?
The One with the Boobies [1.13]
- Ross: Wait, what were you doing seeing her boobies?
- Chandler: Look, it was an accident! It wasn't like I was across the street with a telescope and a bag of doughnuts!
- Ross: All right, all right. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.
- Chandler: You know, I don't see that happening.
- Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
- Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my tat.
The One with the Candy Hearts [1.14]
- Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush!
- Janice: I brought you something.
- Chandler: Is it loaded?
The One with the Stoned Guy [1.15]
- Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
- Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
- Ross: Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
- Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
- Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.
The One with Two Parts, Part 1 [1.16]
- Phoebe: [about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"
- [At the Lamaze class, mother-to-be Carol panics after seeing a videotaped birth.]
- Ross: Everything's going to be all right.
- Carol: What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"
The One with Two Parts, Part 2 [1.17]
- Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
- Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
- Ross: No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
- Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
- Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.
- Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
- Ross: Uh-huh.
- Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
- Ross: Do you have a point?
- Chandler: You know, you think I would.
The One with All the Poker [1.18]
- Rachel: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
- Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
- Phoebe: Ha, ha, ha!
- Monica: What?
- Phoebe: "Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black."
- [The gang is playing poker.]
- Rachel: I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?
- Ross: No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?
- Rachel: I'm not telling.
- Ross: Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]
- Rachel: No!
- Ross: Show them to me!
- Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
- Ross: Let me see! Show them!
- Chandler: You know, I've had dates like this.
The One Where the Monkey Gets Away [1.19]
- Joey: All right, all right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?
- Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to The Russian Tea Room.
- Samantha: Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
- Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
- Samantha: Of course.
- Joey: Oh. Then no.
The One with the Evil Orthodontist [1.20]
- Chandler: I got her machine.
- Joey: Her answering machine?
- Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.
- Joey: Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
- Phoebe: You know he's gay?
- Ross: I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?
The One with the Fake Monica [1.21]
- Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
- Monica: Still... it's just such reckless spending.
- Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
- Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
- Monica: That was me.
- Joey: My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
- Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?
The One with the Ick Factor [1.22]
- Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
- Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.
- Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
- Rachel: No, forget it.
- Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
- Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.
- Joey: All right!
- Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?
- Rachel: No.
- Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?
- Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
- Ross: Huh!
- Joey: So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
- Rachel [laughing]: You know what?
- Joey [laughing]: What?
- Rachel [laughing]: There were times when it wasn't even me.
- [Chandler and Joey laugh until they look at each other]
- Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]
The One with the Birth [1.23]
- Phoebe: [singing]
- They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
- Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
- Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,
- You cry and you cry and you cry.
- And you cry and you cry and you cry...
- [Ross gives Phoebe a dollar]
- Phoebe: Thanks, Ross!
- Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
- Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have a baby?
- Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
- Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
- Monica: Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
- Chandler: Uh... Uh....
- Monica: What is it is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?
- Chandler: Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!
The One Where Rachel Finds Out [1.24]
- [Joey tells the group about his participation in a fertility study.]
- Joey: I mean, I just go down there every other day and… make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey — but at the end of two weeks, I get 700 dollars!
- Phoebe: Wow! Ooh, you're going to be making money hand-over-fist!
- [Chandler and Joey are talking like cavemen.]
- Chandler: Men are here.
- Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
- Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.
The One with Ross' New Girlfriend [2.01]
- [Ross and Julie have just arrived from China]
- Julie: We've gotta get some sleep.
- Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
- Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.
- Joey: I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women.
The One With the Breast Milk [2.02]
- Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.
- [Monica wants to hide from Rachel the fact that she went shopping with Julie, so she creates an alibi.]
- Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me and we were shopping all day.
- Phoebe: What?
- Monica: We were shopping and we had lunch.
- Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?
- Monica: You had a salad.
- Phoebe: Oh. No wonder I don't feel full.
- Rachel: [enters] Hey, guys. What's up?
- Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day and I had a salad.
- Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
- Phoebe: Umm, we went shopping for, umm, for... fur.
- Rachel: You went shopping for fur?
- Phoebe: Yes... [realizes what she said] And then I realized I'm against that... and, uh, so then we bought some... [Monica is pointing at her chest behind Rachel's back] uhh, boobs.
- Rachel: You bought boobs?
- [Monica is yanking on her bra strap behind Rachel's back.]
- Phoebe: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
The One Where Heckles Dies [2.03]
- Ross: Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
- Phoebe: Oh, okay — don't get me started on gravity.
- Ross: You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
- Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
- [There's a knock at the door]
- Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
- Rachel: [to Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.
- Phoebe: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
- Monica: You made it!
- Phoebe: You're there!
- Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
- Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.
The One with Phoebe's Husband [2.04]
- Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
- Chandler: [to Monica, who has just told everyone the big secret] You bitch.
- Ross: Whip it out, whip it out!
- Chandler: Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
- Rachel: Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
- [Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]
- Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.
- Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
- Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
- Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
The One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant [2.05]
- Ross: Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
- Chandler: Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!
- Ross: Hey, tell me again: what I do when Mr. Roper calls?
- [Ross, Chandler and Monica bought tickets for Hootie and the Blowfish concert for themselves and the others.]
- Phoebe: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
- Rachel: Me neither.
- Joey: Me, too.
- Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
- Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
- Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?
The One with the Baby on the Bus [2.06]
- Phoebe: [singing] I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
- [Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]
- Joey: It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
- Caroline: Hello.
- Joey and Chandler: Hello.
- Caroline: And who is this little cutie-pie?
- Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
- Joey: You wanna smell him?
- Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.
The One Where Ross Finds Out [2.07]
- Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.
- Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.
- Ross: You're over me? When were you... under me?
The One with the List [2.08]
- Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.
- Phoebe: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
- Chandler: Games and stuff.
- Chandler: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
The One with Phoebe's Dad [2.09]
- [The gang is decorating the Christmas tree]
- Chandler: I remember my father dressed in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody see him, but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble crash into something and wake everybody up.
- Rachel: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
- Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?
- [The gang is exchanging Christmas gifts]
- Chandler: Ok, I guess that just leaves the gifts from Joey and Chandler.
The One with Russ [2.10]
- [Joey has just gotten a terrible review of his acting in a play.]
- Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
- Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
- Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
- Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."
- Joey: My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
- Phoebe: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
- Chandler: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.
The One with the Lesbian Wedding [2.11]
- Mrs. Green: [looks out the window] Oh my God, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
- Rachel: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.
- Mrs Green: Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
- Rachel: [Shocked] God!
- Monica: All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!
- Mrs Green: Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?
The One After the Super Bowl, Part 1 [2.12]
- Rob: Maybe if you just played some... regular kiddie songs?
- Phoebe: No. What do you, what do you want me to be — like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
- Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
- Phoebe: Who's Barney?
- Ross: This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!
- Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower?
The One After the Super Bowl, Part 2 [2.13]
- Susie: Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?
- Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
- Susie: Chandler Bing?
- Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
- [Rachel and Monica see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the set and Monica is smitten.]
- Rachel: So why don't you go talk to him?
- Monica: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah!
- Rachel: What? So you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?
- Monica: He could hear me!
The One with the Prom Video [2.14]
- Phoebe: It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws…
- [The gang observes a video of a young, fat Monica getting ready for prom.]
- Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
- Monica: Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!
- Chandler: Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?
The One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know [2.15]
- Ross: You have a date? Who with?
- Monica: No one.
- Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
- Monica: Nothing.
- Ross: Come on, tell me.
- Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
- Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
- Monica: It's Richard Burke.
- Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.
- Ross Whoa, whoa, whoa! Australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No, no, no, no, Homo Habilis was erect; Homo Austrapalithicus was NEVER fully erect.
- Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.
The One Where Joey Moves Out [2.16]
- [Phoebe and Rachel went to get tattoos. Phoebe chickened out.]
- Rachel: Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!
- Phoebe: I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d—did you know they do this with needles?
- Rachel: Really! You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!
- Phoebe: Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?
- Rachel: What's with 1922?
- Phoebe: Just... a really long time ago.
The One Where Eddie Moves In [2.17]
- [Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail. Soon after Eddie leaves, Joey realizes the changes to the apartment and that the orange juice is gone]
- Joey All right, thats it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [Imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I NEED THE JUICE!
The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies [2.18]
The One Where Eddie Won't Go [2.19]
- Joey: Hey, Gunther. Let me get a lemonade to go.
- Gunther: Lemonade? You okay, man?
- [Rachel is upset that Ross is telling her to hurry up.]
- Rachel: This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.
- Ross: Excuse me — your wind?
- Rachel: How do you expect me to grow, if you won't let me blow?
- Ross: You know, um... I don't have a... have a... problem with that.
The One Where Old Yeller Dies [2.20]
- [Monica serves Chandler and Joey some leftover chicken.]
- Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
- Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
- Chandler: Richard's really nice and everything. Uh... It's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus, he's, you know... old—
- [Monica glares at Chandler.]
- Chandler: —er than some people. But, uh, younger... than some buildings!
The One with the Bullies [2.21]
- Rachel: Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself but will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you?
- Joey [to Ross]: Haven't you ever gotten beat up before?
- Ross: Yeah.
- Joey: I mean, by someone besides Monica.
- Ross: No.
The One with the Two Parties [2.22]
- [Rachel is shocked that her parents are at her birthday party]
- Rachel: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?
- Chandler: Well, we could count again.
- Chandler: Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.
- Joey: Quick volleyball question.
- Chandler: Volleyball?
- Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
- Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.
The One with the Chicken Pox [2.23]
- [Phoebe arrives to tell the gang about her submariner boyfriend.]
- Phoebe: He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together.
- Rachel: So, wait — this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?
- [Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration.]
- Monica: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
- [Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration, again.]
- Phoebe: We didn't do any of the romantic things I'd planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and, you know, coffee at Central Perk... Oh! I just got that!
The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding [2.24]
- [Mindy's maid-of-honor Rachel appears in a poofy pink dress.]
- Rachel: I can't believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous!
- [Rachel enters in her maid-of-honor dress and huge pink hat.]
- Chandler: I'm sorry — we don't have your sheep.
The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy [3.01]
- [Joey can't believe Chandler is dating Janice again.]
- Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
- Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
- Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna… pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
- Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!
- Joey: Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?
- Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?
- Chandler: Umm, yeah.
- Ross: No, Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth...
- Chandler: Girth!? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this!?
The One Where No One's Ready [3.02]
- [Monica, not yet dressed for Ross's event, arrives shortly before they need to leave.]
- Ross: It starts at eight. We can't be late.
- Phoebe: We could not, would not, want to wait!
- Ross: How can you not be going?
- Rachel: Well, I'm not gonna go... so I think that will accomplish the not going.
The One with the Jam [3.03]
- Monica [gives Joey a jar of jam]: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.
- Joey: Aww. [tastes it] OHHHH!
- Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked [holds up one hand], or, or a big tub of jam. [holds up the other hand]
- Joey: [nods] Put your hands together!
- Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?
- Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.
- Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
- Ross: What are you talking about?
- Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
- Ross: What?
- Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
- Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!
The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel [3.04]
- Monica: Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean just so that WE'LL break up with you
- Joey: You know about that?
- Joey: Stare into the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!
- Chandler: Joey, I assure you, if I were staring into the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which-way.
The One with Frank Jr. [3.05]
- [Chandler enters the apartment to find Joey working with wood and the apartment filled with lumber]
- Chandler: Hey.
- Joey: Hey.
- Chandler: Hey, hey, hey... so what happened — did a forest tick you off?!
- Joey: You know how you're always saying we need a place for the mail?
- Chandler: Yeah?
- Joey: Well, I decided to take it to the next step.
- Chandler: You're building a post office?
- [While Chandler naps against the wall in his room, Joey is drilling though the wall. As he drills, the drill bit comes though the wall right next to Chandler, who slams the door at Joey.]
- Joey: Oh! Uh, sorry, did I get ya?
- Chandler: NO, YOU DIDN'T GET ME!! IT'S AN ELECTRIC DRILL! YOU GET ME, YOU KILL ME!
The One with the Flashback [3.06]
- [Janice asks the six Friends if they have ever had sex with each other.]
- Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
- Monica: What?
- Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
- Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?
- Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
- Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
- Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, Bing!"
- Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
- Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."
The One with the Race Car Bed [3.07]
- Ross: When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.
- Monica: I was always Joanie!
- Joey: Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?
- Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.
- Monica: Not at these prices!
The One with the Giant Poking Device [3.08]
- Joey: If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
- Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.
- Joey: Hey, hey, I'm not judging!
- [The gang is trying to see if Ugly Naked Guy is alive by using a "poking device".]
- Phoebe: He's alive! ALIVE!
- Monica: And yet, we're still poking him.
- Joey: (quickly) Retract the device! Retract the device!
- Ross: He does not look happy.
- Rachel: And now he's showing us his poking device.
- Joey: [to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!
The One with the Football [3.09]
- [The gang decides to play touch football.]
- Joey: All right! We have to pick captains.
- Chandler: And then Tennilles.
- Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?
- Joey: Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
- Chandler: And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
- Joey: Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.
The One Where Rachel Quits [3.10]
The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister [3.11]
The One with All the Jealousy [3.12]
- Joey: Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?
- Chandler: I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.
- Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
- Ross: Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
- Joey: What?
- Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
- Joey: Who?
- Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
- Joey: The what?
- Chandler: The abridgment.
- Joey: Oh, okay. [to Ross] The what?
The One Where Monica & Richard Are Friends [3.13]
- [Monica is returning a video.]
- Clerk: Six dollars, please.
- Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
- Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and — aww, it's 8:02.
- Monica: You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.
The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner [3.14]
The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break [3.15]
- [Ross brings a picnic basket to Rachel at work.]
- Rachel: Ross, honey, this is very nice, but I — but I got a crisis!
- Ross: Yeah, but I've got couscous!
- [During Rachel's phone call, Ross loudly grinds pepper. Then his picnic basket catches fire from a candle.]
- Rachel: Excuse me — I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got Shemp in my office.
The One with the Morning After [3.16]
- Joey: Did you think about the trail?
- Ross: What trail?
- Joey: The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out you did it. You always have to think about the trail!
- Joey: Do you think I need a new walk?
- Chandler: What?
- Joey: Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!
- Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
The One Without the Ski Trip [3.17]
- Phoebe: Oh, my God! This is like 60 Minutes, when at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.
- Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.
- Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.
The One with the Hypnosis Tape [3.18]
- Monica: Don't you think he's a little young to get married?
- Phoebe: What? He's 18.
- Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
- Joey: Yeah, or — or to get a hooker.
- Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.
The One With The Tiny T-Shirt [3.19]
- Ross: [spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She’s going in... Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in! The door's closed! I can’t see anything but the door closed!
- Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
- Chandler: You've slept with someone three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower.
The One with the Dollhouse [3.20]
- [Phoebe plays with a toy dinosaur while making barking sounds.]
- Ross: Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"
- Phoebe: The little ones do.
The One with a Chick and a Duck [3.21]
- Phoebe: You guys, do you know anything about chicks?
- Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? ...No.
- Chandler: Does anyone know how to take a chick out of a VCR??
The One with the Screamer [3.22]
- [A bedraggled Phoebe misses Joey's play, having spent all night on the phone while kept on hold by customer service.]
- Joey: Hey, Pheebs — where were ya?
- Phoebe: I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.
- Tommy: [petting a chick in his hand] Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'? Aww... [The chick poos in his hand.] Ew! Oh, ew! Gross! IDIOT! STUPID LITTLE FUZZY YELLOW CREATURE! Ooh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's DISGUSTING! God, you're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct?!
- [The duck, hearing all the commotion, waddles into the kitchen and starts quacking.]
- Tommy: Quack quack, quack quack! What are you quacking about?! DUMB DONALD DODO!
- [Tommy looks up to see the gang in the doorway, staring at him in shock.]
- Chandler: Step away from the duck.
The One with Ross's Thing [3.23]
- Phoebe: He even showed me charcoal drawings he drew of me. Well, he'd prefer watercolors but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.
- Monica: I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
- Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.
- Joey: Or — ha, ha! — we could go over there and pee on them!
The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion [3.24]
The One at the Beach [3.25]
- Rachel: I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.
- Ross: You still love me?
- Rachel: No.
The One with the Jellyfish [4.01]
- [Joey defends his idea for alleviating Monica's jellyfish-sting pain.]
- Joey: If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!
- [After another break-up fight, Ross storms out the door. Rachel yells after him.]
- Rachel: And hey, just so you know — it's NOT that common, it DOESN'T happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!
- Chandler: I knew it!
The One with the Cat [4.02]
The One with the 'Cuffs [4.03]
- Joanna: What are you doing?
- Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
- Joanna: Why?
- Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.
- [Joanna runs into her fawning assistant Sophie.]
- Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
- Joanna: Oh, great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.
The One with the Ballroom Dancing [4.04]
- Joey: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out! This wasn't their fault, it was mine.
- Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead?
- Joey: No, you can't do that. Where would the chick and the duck live?
- Mr. Treeger: You have pets?
- Joey: No-no-no-no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
- Mr. Treeger: Huh... I would've thought it was the other way around.
The One with Joey's New Girlfriend [4.05]
- Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of a song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of "Pepper people."
The One with the Dirty Girl [4.06]
- Joey: Her place was really that bad?
- Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, like that — only, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time and garbage is all that has survived!
The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line [4.07]
- Chandler: Look, I just think it's time for you to settle down, you know? Make a choice, pick a lane!
- Joey: Who's Elaine?
- Chandler: You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
- Joey: Over the line? You — you’re — you’re so far past the line, that you — you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
The One with Chandler in a Box [4.08]
- Monica: How cute is the on-call doctor?
- Rachel: So cute I'm thinking of jabbing this pen in my eye.
- Phoebe: Yeah, but, Monica — do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase "That's not how your dad used to do it"?
- Monica: [indicating each of the group in succession] Fine! Judge all you want to, but: married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, livin’ in a box!!
The One Where They're Going to Party [4.09]
- Ross: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
- Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie [4.10]
The One with the Embryos [4.12]
- Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?
- Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing!
- Monica: No!
- Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong.
- Monica: I knew that! Rachel, use your head!
- Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.
- [At the doctor's office, Phoebe sits before a Petri dish with her brother and sister-in-law's embryos.]
- Phoebe: Hello, teeny embryos. I'm, I'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi! I'm, I'm, I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know that we're doing this for Frank and Alice — who you know! You've been there! You know, they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on! Okay? And, and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home. So. Okay. Oh! And, also, um, next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry — that's what's supposed to happen.
- [In Chandler and Joey's new apartment, Phoebe is sitting upside down on a chair with her guitar.]
- Phoebe: [singing] Are you in there little foetus? In nine months will you come greet us? [pause] I will buy you some Adidas.
The One with Rachel's Crush [4.13]
- Kathy: I'll tell you what, Chandler. Why don't you call me when you grow up!
- Chandler: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen any time soon!
The One with Joey's Dirty Day [4.14]
- Phoebe: Ohh!
- Monica: What?
- Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
- Monica: Oh, my God!
- Phoebe: Oh no, wait. Oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.
- Chandler: Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
- Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!
- Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.
The One with All the Rugby [4.15]
The One with the Fake Party [4.16]
The One with the Free Porn [4.17]
- Ross: If she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
- Joey: Way to be strong, man!
- Chandler: I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault!
- Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza-delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money and leaves!
- Chandler: What? No "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
- Joey: No! Nothing!
- Chandler: You know what? We have to turn off the porn.
The One with Rachel's New Dress [4.18]
- Alice: I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Junior Jr.
- Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?
- Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies and, um, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
- Phoebe: Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar!
- Alice: You think about it.
- Chandler: You're right, it is a ridiculous name!
- Joey: It's not that bad.
- Chandler: Yes, it is! From now on, I have no first name.
- Joey: So you're just "Bing?"
- Chandler: I have no name.
The One with All the Haste [4.19]
- [Ross is sporting an earring.]
- Joey: We don't make enough fun of you already? What? What?
- Ross: Oh, yeah. Emily convinced me to do it.
- Chandler: You do know that Wham! broke up?
The One with All the Wedding Dresses [4.20]
The One with the Invitation [4.21]
The One with the Worst Best Man Ever [4.22]
The One with Ross's Wedding, Part 1 [4.23]
The One with Ross's Wedding, Part 2 [4.24]
- [Emily and Ross are reciting their wedding vows.]
- Priest: I, Ross...
- Ross: I, Ross...
- Priest: ... take thee, Emily...
- Ross: ... take thee, Rachel...
The One After Ross Says Rachel [5.01]
- Joey: All right, I'm gonna go say "hi" to the chick and the duck.
- Phoebe: Oh, me too!
- Joey: Why would you need to say "hi" to them? You've been feeding them for four days!
- Phoebe: Oh... right. Maybe I'll just go home.
- Rachel: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love.
- Ross: Same difference.
The One with All the Kissing [5.02]
- Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.
- Phoebe: Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.
- Monica: I'll do it!
- Ross: I'm just going to wander around in the rain.
- Rachel: Uhh... it's not raining.
- Ross: I can't catch a break!
The One Hundredth [5.03]
- Joey: Oh, something hurts!
- Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Oh, that's so sweet!
- Joey: Yeah? I didn't know I cared that much.
- Chandler: So, uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
- Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
- Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
- Phoebe: Works on you.
The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS [5.04]
The One with the Kips [5.05]
- Monica: I'm really getting tired of always sneaking around all the time.
- Chandler: Me, too. What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
- Monica All weekend? That's a whole lot naked.
- Chandler: I'll say I have a conference and you can have a... uh... chef thing.
- Monica: I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!
- Chandler: Okay! You know you're not, though.
- Joey: That hotel you stayed at called. They said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
- Chandler [nervous]: Yes, that was mine.
- Joey: I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.
- Chandler: That would have made more sense.
- Joey: I don't even feel like I know you any more. All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time. Whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?
The One with the Yeti [5.06]
- Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
- Rachel: It was, like, this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!
- Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
- Rachel Yeah, I — I — I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!
- Joey: Uhh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?
- Rachel: Yeah!
- Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.
- Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny!... Who's Danny?
The One Where Ross Moves In [5.07]
The One with All the Thanksgivings [5.08]
- Monica: I'm sorry.
- Chandler: Well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home.
- [The duck walks by]
- Chandler [angrily]: Oh, oh, I'm a duck. I go quack-quack. I'm happy all the time.
The One with Ross's Sandwich [5.09]
- [Phoebe is talking about the literature class she's taking.]
- Phoebe: Yeah, well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! You know, I just thought this time I'd go for something, you know, a little more intellectual... with a less painful final exam.
- Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
- Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
The One with the Inappropriate Sister [5.10]
- Monica: Danny, you know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right?
- Rachel: Thanks, Mon.
- Danny: Well, of course.
- Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?
- Rachel: Monica!
- Danny: Absolutely! Is Friday okay?
- Monica: Friday’s perfect. She can’t wait.
- Danny: [to Monica] On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly?
- Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.
- Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.
The One with All the Resolutions [5.11]
- Ross: I am going to make myself happy.
- Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?
- Ross: I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.
- Phoebe: Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
- Chandler: That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a planeload of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
- [Phoebe is giving Joey guitar lessons.]
- Phoebe: You're questioning my methods.
- Joey: I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm saying it's stupid.
The One with Chandler's Work Laugh [5.12]
- Monica: What's that noise you just made?
- Chandler: Oh, that? That's my work laugh.
- Monica: Your work laugh?
- Chandler: Yeah, and if you want to survive this party, you'll need to come up with one too.
- Joey: Look, it's not that big a deal. So Monica and Chandler are doing it.
- Rachel: I cannot believe you would say that!
- Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are "making love."
The One with Joey's Bag [5.13]
- [Outfitting him for a role, Rachel encourages Joey to carry a unisex leather bag.]
- Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man!
- Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
- Joey: Tch! Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
- Rachel: No, no, Joey! U-N-I-sex.
- Joey: Well! Ain't gonna say "no" to that!
- Phoebe: Lily's dead!
- Frank Sr.: She — what?
- Phoebe: She's dead.
- Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
- Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.
The One Where Everybody Finds Out [5.14]
- Monica: You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?
- Chandler: Well, my grandfather was Swedish, and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.
- Phoebe: I'm going to kiss you.
- Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.
The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey [5.15]
- Ross: [after seeing Monica and Chandler through the window] CHANDLER! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO MY SISTER. NOW COME OUT HERE!
- Chandler: Well, we had a great run. What was it — four, five months? That's more that most people have in a lifetime. So bye, take care, buh-bye then. [kisses Monica and gets ready to jump out the window]
The One with the Cop [5.16]
- Rachel: I brought reinforcements.
- Ross: You brought Joey?
- Rachel: Um... no, but I brought the next best thing.
- [Chandler walks in.]
- Chandler: Hey.
- Ross: Chandler? You brought Chandler? The next best thing would have been Monica!
- Chandler: Normally I'd be offended, but she is freakishly strong.
The One Where Rachel Smokes [5.18]
The One Where Ross Can't Flirt [5.19]
- Chandler: Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?
- Rachel: No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.
- Ross:: Thank you for that.
- Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago. You've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.
The One with the Ride-Along [5.20]
- Chandler: [sniffs] This sandwich does smell good...
- Joey: Did I tell you to smell my sandwich?
- Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?
- Joey: No! Half of the taste is in the smell! You're sucking up all the taste units!
- Chandler: Okay I`ll give them back [exhales].
The One with the Ball [5.21]
- Joey: So is Staten Island really an island?
- Ross: Hence the name: Staten Island.
- Joey: Oh, I thought it was like Long Island.
- Ross: Also an island!
- [Ross and Joey talk during a game of catch.]
- Ross: They found a Paleozoic amphibian in the jaws of a Mesozoic mastodon! How did it get there?
- Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.
The One with Joey's Big Break [5.22]
The One in Vegas, Part 1 [5.23]
The One in Vegas, Part 2 [5.24]
The One After Vegas [6.01]
The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel [6.02]
- Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
- Phoebe: Always!
- Ross: Rachel and me are still married.
- Phoebe: What?
- Ross: I didn't get the annulment. We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. Okay, bye...
- Ross: I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller: Three divorces."
- Phoebe: Don't feel worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller: Good at Marriage!" Y'know? Mine's going to say "Phoebe Buffay: Buried Alive."
The One with Ross's Denial [6.03]
- Joey: Yeah, why don't you move in with me? It'll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies. And you know about Naked Thursdays, right?
- Rachel: ... Yeah, yeah. I think I'm gonna find my own place.
- Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursdays was just our thing, man!
- Phoebe: Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones come out the top of her head! That's why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! [Ross is staring at Phoebe] Oh come on Ross, you're a scientist.
The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance [6.04]
- Phoebe: She didn't tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not going to waste a whole another hour there! I mean, I've only got a week left, you know? I've really got to start living now! [Picks up a car magazine and reads it]
The One with Joey's Porsche [6.05]
- Chandler: Ross, just for my own peace of mind — you're not married to any more of us, are you?
- Joey: Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
- Passer-by: Maybe because you've got the keys?
The One on the Last Night [6.06]
- Chandler: Here is the phone bill.
- Joey: Oh, my God!!
- Chandler: That's our phone number.
The One Where Phoebe Runs [6.07]
- Ross: I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there will be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine!
- Chandler: And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
- Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
- Joey: Of course I did.
- Monica: What exactly did you ask her?
- Joey: "When can you move in?"
The One with Ross's Teeth [6.08]
- Chandler: [offering Joey a game of Playstation] Hi, my name's Chandler! I just moved in next door, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in battling me in a post-apocalyptic world for control of the galaxy's last remaining energy source?
- Joey: Sure.
The One Where Ross Got High [6.09]
- Joey: You're gonna cook something?
- Rachel: Hey, I cook!
- Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.
- [On tasting Rachel's English trifle/Shepherd's pie]
- Ross: It tastes like feet!
- Joey: I like it!
The One with the Routine [6.10]
- [Ross tries to teach son Ben some of his Jewish heritage.]
- Ross: And that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was, like, four thousand years ago.
- Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.
The One with the Apothecary Table [6.11]
- Phoebe: [to Ross] You bought your sheets at a flea market? Come on, Ross, you gotta loosen the pursestrings a little!
- Monica: [to Janine] You know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!
- Chandler: [to Janine] And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it! [in a bad Australian accent] "Oh, Chandler, I just lost myself in a moment!"
The One with the Joke [6.12]
- Phoebe: I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.
- Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures!
- Monica: It didn't work on Mom. It's not going to work on us.
- [Joey walks in]
- Ross: Hey, Joey, look — Playboy printed my joke!
- Joey: [Joey reads it and makes a slight chuckle] Yeah, it's funny... but dude, you do know they have naked chicks in here, right?
The One with Rachel's Sister [6.13]
The One Where Chandler Can't Cry [6.14]
- Joey: I can't believe Ross went out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for ten years.
- Chandler: That was, like, five years ago.
- Joey: Yeah, you got five years left!
- Chandler: Joey —
- Joey: You wanna make it six?
- Chandler: No! Look, I don't cry! It's not a big deal! Okay?
- Joey: No, it's not okay! You're dead inside!
The One That Could Have Been, Part 1 [6.15]
- Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die!
- [Phoebe stares at him angrily.]
- Chandler: But you're not gonna die... I mean... you — you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today... I wish I was dead.
The One That Could Have Been, Part 2 [6.16]
- Chandler [imitating Roger]: "Here's some little-known facts about couscous: they didn't add the second cous until 1979."
The One with Unagi [6.17]
- Ross: I studied ka-ra-te for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
- Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
- Ross: No, it's a concep—
- Phoebe: Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel.
- Ross: Okay, maybe it means that, too.
- Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
- Phoebe: You mean, in case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?
The One Where Ross Dates a Student [6.18]
- Chandler: Ah, "Hotties of the Paleontology Department." There's a big-selling calendar, eh?
- Joey: Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
- Chandler: [mockingly] Yeah. So, Tuesday?
- Joey: Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering, think of it like this: the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?
- Chandler: Thank you.
The One with Joey's Fridge [6.19]
- Chandler: You don't look good, Joe.
- Joey: The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes. Oh, and what was in that brown jar?
- Chandler: That's still in there?
- Joey: Not any more. By the way, you owe me $400.
- Chandler: Is this a service you're providing me?
The One with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. [6.20]
The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad [6.21]
- Ross: All right, a joke — lighten the mood. Two guys walk into a bar, and one of them is Irish.
- Paul: I'm Irish.
- Ross: ... And the Irish guy wins the joke.
- Rachel: It seemed my prom date had stood me up. So, selflessly, Ross offered to take me.
- Elizabeth: What a sweet story!
- Paul: So, Ross, you were in college, and you jumped at the opportunity to take a young girl to her high school prom?
- Rachel: Wow! Did not see that one backfiring.
The One Where Paul's the Man [6.22]
- [Elizabeth and Ross are kissing.]
- Elizabeth: What's wrong?
- Ross: I'm sorry, I was just thinking about your father.
- Elizabeth: Okay... well, whatever works for you.
- Paul: [to self] Okay, you're doing well. She likes you. And you know why? Because you are a neat guy. You are the man. You are the man! [sings] "I'm just a love machine..."
The One with the Ring [6.23]
- Rachel: I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.
- Phoebe: That's easy! You just have to think of him as a — as a jar of pickles that won't open.
- Rachel: So, what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?
- Phoebe: No, that's what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.
- Monica: I know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.
- Rachel: What's the other one?
- Monica: I don't know. I've never had to use the other one.
The One with the Proposal, Part 1 [6.24]
- Monica: Now, all jokes aside. Ross, where is this relationship going?
- Chandler: Wait a minute. All jokes aside? I didn't agree to that.
The One with the Proposal, Part 2 [6.25]
- Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
- Chandler: Oh my God.
- Monica: Chandler... in all my life I never thought I'd be so lucky as to fall in love with my best — my best — There's a reason why girls don't do this!
- Chandler: Okay, okay, I'll do it. I thought: wait, I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that is that you — you make me happier then I ever thought I could be. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making sure you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
- Monica: Yes! I knew you were likely to take a wife!
- Joey: Can we come in yet? We're dying out here!
- Monica: Come in! Come in! We're engaged!
- Joey: Yeah, you are!
The One with Monica's Thunder [7.01]
- [Monica opens the door to find Ross and Rachel kissing in the hallway]
- Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have opened the door to the past!... I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to steal my thunder!
- Rachel: Oh, no honey — we weren't trying to steal your thunder, honest. No one was meant to see!
- Monica: Right, now I get it. That's why you two were kissing in the secret hallway where nobody ever goes!
The One with Rachel's Book [7.02]
The One with Phoebe's Cookies [7.03]
- Phoebe: You know, I think my grandmother would be proud that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I'm sure she's looking up at us and smiling.
- Ross: Looking up?
- Phoebe: Oh, yeah! She was nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
- Joey: I quit!
- Rachel: What do you mean, you quit? You can't quit!
- Joey: Why not?
- Rachel: Because you're not finished and I won't have it! Greens don't quit!
- Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit!
The One with Rachel's Assistant [7.04]
- Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh, my God!
- Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
The One with the Engagement Picture [7.05]
- Rachel: Hey, look, look. Phoebe's talking to "Cute Coffeehouse Guy."
- Ross: You guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him "Hums While He Pees."
- Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross "Lingers in the Bathroom."
- Phoebe: [walks in] Hey, you guys — "Hums While He Pees" just asked me out!
- [Monica and Chandler are looking at photos]
- Monica: Chandler, what is wrong with your face? This picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron." [the photographer laughs] Hey, don't laugh at him. He's my drowning moron.
The One with the Nap Partners [7.06]
The One with Ross's Library Book [7.07]
The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs [7.08]
- Joey: The question, Rachel, is this: does he like you? Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
- Rachel:Uh, Joe — a moo point?
- Joey: You know, like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.
- Rachel: Have I been living with him too long, or did all that just make sense?
The One with All the Candy [7.09]
The One with the Holiday Armadillo [7.10]
- [Chandler dressed as Santa, has just been asked to leave]
- Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowlful of jelly.
- [Monica and Chandler kiss]
- Monica: Hey, do you think you can keep that suit a little longer?
- Chandler: Really? Santa?
- Monica: Yes.
- Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up as Santa?
- Monica: No.
- Chandler: Then okay!
The One with All the Cheesecakes [7.11]
The One Where They're Up All Night [7.12]
- Ross: Look at all those stars. Infinite space. Really makes you wonder.
- Joey: You know what else makes you wonder? Check out the rack on this chick!
The One Where Rosita Dies [7.13]
- Joey: What are you doin'?
- Rachel: Moving a chair so I can have a place to sit?
- Joey: No, no, Rosita does not move.
- Rachel: As in... what?
- Joey: As in... Rosita does not move!
- Rachel: Why not?
- Joey: 'Cause she is in the equal distance from the kitchen to the bathroom, and she is at the perfect angle so that no glare is comin' off Stevie.
- Rachel: Stevie, the TV?
- Joey: Is there a problem?
The One Where They All Turn Thirty [7.14]
The One with Joey's New Brain [7.15]
- Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and —
- Monica: What is DOOL?
- Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!
- All: Oh!
- Chandler: That's great!
- Joey: And — and — and not only that, I'm gettin' a new brain!
- Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
- Ross: It’s winter. There are fewer people on the street.
- Monica: Who are they killing off?
The One with Truth About London [7.16]
- [Chandler and Monica start to make out.]
- Chandler: How drunk are you?
- Monica: Drunk enough that I know I want to do this. Not so drunk enough that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
- Chandler: That's the perfect amount!
- [Monica and Chandler jump under the bedcovers. Chandler swiftly doffs his clothes.]
- Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
- Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
The One with the Cheap Wedding Dresses [7.17]
The One with Joey's Award [7.18]
The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin'' [7.19]
- Monica: Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex until the wedding.
- Ross: A no-sex pact, huh? I seem to have one of those going with every woman in America.
- [Ross and his attractive cousin Cassie are reminiscing.]
- Ross: And I'll always remember that summer, because that's when I realized that we are related.
- Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
- Ross: I'm a little slow. [under his breath] Just as our children would be.
The One with Rachel's Big Kiss [7.20]
- Chandler: Batman is so much cooler than James Bond.
- Monica: What? 007 has all those gadgets.
- Chandler: Batman has a utility belt.
- Monica: 007 has a fancy car.
- Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile.
- Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
- Chandler: Batman has Robin.
The One with the Vows [7.21]
- Monica: Do you realize that we're getting married in just four weeks? Four weeks, baby, FOUR WEEKS!
- Chandler: Do you realize that you get louder every week?
The One with Chandler's Dad [7.22]
- Ross: You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
- Rachel: Well, in high school, that added up to head cheerleader.
The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 1 [7.23]
- [Chandler's parents meet up at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler's father is now a transvestite.]
- Charles Bing: Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
- Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 2 [7.24]
- [The future in-laws, including Chandler's cross-dressing father Charles, are chatting.]
- Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.
- Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
- Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then.
- Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.
- [Best man Ross is walking down the aisle with bridesmaids Phoebe and Rachel.]
- Ross: This is nice.
- Phoebe: What?
- Ross: I've never walked down the aisle knowing it can't end in divorce!
The One after I Do [8.01]
- Ross: Monica's pregnant!
- Joey: Oh, my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?
- Monica: Guys! I'm not pregnant.
- Joey: Ah. [to Chandler] Slow swimmers?
- Mona: There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.
- Joey: Tell me about it. I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself.
The One with the Red Sweater [8.02]
- [Rachel and Phoebe are checking out of a hotel.]
- Rachel: Listen — y’know what, sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says. We did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
- Joey: [arriving] Hey!
- Phoebe: Oh! Joey, were you in our room last night?
- Joey: No. [Phoebe gives the bill to Joey. Joey turns to the concierge.] I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
- Chandler: You opened all the presents without me? I thought we were supposed to do that together!
- Monica: You kissed another woman!
- Chandler: ...Call it even?
- Monica: Okay! [They high-five]
The One with the Rumor [8.09]
- Monica: Just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
- Joey: What?
- Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.
- Joey: Phoebe!
- Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
- Joey: No, they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious!
- Joey: I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do! I mean, we may be not great thinkers, or world leaders, don't read a lot, or run very fast... but damn it, we can eat!
The One with Monica's Boots [8.10]
- [Ross baby-talks to Rachel's belly.]
- Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
- Rachel: He's talking to the baby.
- Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Okay, 'cause when — when he said "I can't wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There's a trick!"
- Trudie Styler: Look, I've just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here.
- Phoebe: The Police, here? A reunion?
The One with Joey's Interview [8.19]
- [Joey is reluctant to do another Soap Opera Digest interview because the previous one got him fired.]
- Joey: Who knows what I might say this time?
- Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say!
- Joey: Fine, all right, I'll do it. But, hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid!
- Ross: Just then, or — or all the time, 'cause... we have jobs, you know.
- Joey: In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for kids.
- Interviewer: A "mento"?
- Joey: You know, a mento. A role model.
- Interviewer: A men-to.
- Joey: Right.
- Interviewer: Like the candy?
- Joey: As a matter of fact, I do.
The One with the Baby Shower [8.20]
- Phoebe: Ross, why are you all hot and sweaty?
- Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler!
- [Monica looks confused.]
- Ross: Which isn't a sexual thing.
The One Where Rachel Has a Baby [8.24]
- [Rachel is giving birth.]
- Monica: I can't believe this is taking so long. How're you doing?
- Rachel: Not bad. You know that feeling where you try to blow a St. Bernard out your ass?
- [Cliff's cast is itchy. Phoebe gets a spoon to scratch it with]
- Cliff: Wow. I usually get to know a girl before I let them spoon me.
- Phoebe: Relax, it's not like were forking.
The One with the Sharks [9.04]
- [Phoebe opens the door]
- Phoebe: Oh, it's you.
- Ross: With vegetarian corndogs! Come on, I just want to talk to you.
- Phoebe: Oh, about what? How few ova I have left?
- Ross: And I ended up telling him that...
- Phoebe: What?
- Ross: You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
- Phoebe: What? Why?
- Ross: Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
- Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner [9.05]
- [Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]
- Rachel: Oh, no! What if she jumps out of the crib!
- Ross: Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.
- Rachel: Oh, my God! I left the water running!
- Ross: Rachel, relax. You did not leave the faucet running.
- Rachel: Did I leave the stove on?
- Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!
- Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and —
- Ross: Oh, my God, you know what, I think you're right! I think — you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!
- Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work [9.11]
- [Chandler is practicing advertising slogans]
- Chandler: Phones: bringing you closer to people... who have phones.
- Chandler: Pants: Like shorts... but longer.
The One with the Mugging [9.15]
- Phoebe: Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
- Monica: Your mother killed herself!
- Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!
- Chandler: Today is the 6th.
- Monica: No. [shows Chandler the calender]
- Chandler: Yes. It's also 2003.
- Monica: That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!
The One with The Boob Job [9.16]
- [Rachel tries to install baby-proofing things in the apartment.]
- Rachel: Are you saying that women can't do it?
- Joey: Women can do it; you can't.
- Rachel: Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?
- Monica: [to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.
- Rachel: Well, I found the hardware store by myself!
- Joey: The hardware store's just down the street.
- Rachel: There's a hardware store down the street?
- [Monica and Chandler each borrow money from Joey, forcing him to lie to them both until they find out.]
- Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
- Joey: Because she is!
- Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
- Joey: Mm-hmm! For your boob job!
- Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over, Joe!
- Joey: Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
The One With The Soap Opera Party [9.20]
- Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
- Rachel: All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...
- [Joey walks in]
- Rachel: Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?
- Monica: What the hell are you cooking?
The One with Ross' Tan [10.03]
- [Joey and Chandler are discussing Joey's impending date with Rachel.]
- Chandler: Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?
- Joey: Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.
- Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?
- Joey: It's okay!
- Rachel: But do you think that maybe, on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?
- Joey: No, I don't have another level.
- [At the tanning booth, Ross is talking to the tanning assistant.]
- Assistant: So, how dark do you wanna be? We got a 1, 2 or a 3.
- Ross: I like how you look, what are you?
- Assistant: Puerto Rican.
- Ross: [quickly] Two. I think a two.
The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits [10.05]
- Chandler: Well, if I were a guy...
- [Everyone stares at him.]
- Chandler: Wait. Did I just say "If I were a guy"?
The One With The Home Study [10.07]
- [Phoebe and Mike are planning their wedding.]
- Ross: There's no way around it, Pheebs. You just got to accept the fact that this is going to cost you a lot of money.
- Mike: I heard that weddings are, like, a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
- Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.
The One Where Chandler Gets Caught [10.10]
- Monica: So, what'd you think of the house?
- Chandler: It's perfect! It's everything we've been looking for!
- Monica: Isn't it? And what about the amazing wainscoting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?
- Chandler: And the wigglewoms and the zipzorps!... What were the things you said?
- [Chandler enters]
- Chandler: Hey!
- Joey: You son of a bitch.
- Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?
The One Where the Stripper Cries [10.11]
- [On the game show Pyramid, Joey's partner Gene gets the word "cream."]
- Gene: You put this in your coffee.
- Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
- Gene: It's white.
- Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
- Gene: It's heavier than milk.
- Joey: A rock! A dog! The earth!
- Gene: Pass!
- Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
- Ross: Well, then who was on my bed?
- Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Ross: No! No! No!
- Monica: Yes!
- Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
- Monica: I WAS the pile of coats! You were my midnight mystery kisser?
- Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
- Monica: You were my first kiss EVER?!
- Chandler: What did I marry into?
The One with Rachel's Going Away Party [10.16]
- Ross: I don't get a goodbye?
- Rachel: What?
- Ross: Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What've I got to do to get a goodbye? Be best friends with you? Go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, I did all of those things!
- Rachel:You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care?
- Ross: That's what it seemed like.
- Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years you do not know one thing about me!
- Ross: Fine. Then why didn't you say something?
- Rachel: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I can't even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go. Okay? So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right? There's your goodbye.
The Last One, Part 2 [10.18]
- [Last words of the series.]
- Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time?
- Monica: We've got some time.
- Rachel: Okay. Should we get some coffee?
- Chandler: Sure... Where?