Frisky Dingo

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If a man had as many ideas during the day as he does when he has insomnia, he would make a fortune.
Griff Niblack
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Frisky Dingo is an animated cable television series.

Season 1

Meet Killface

[The title sequence from Sealab 2021 plays, but is cut in by Killface.]
Killface: Greetings America! I . . . am . . . Killface. Don't bother flicking your infernal remotes, I've taken over your airwaves. Now, I trust you're all comfy on your tacky sofas from Rooms-to-Go, lots of nibbles close at hand? Well, tuck in! And why not smoke between gobbles? Yes, go for the gusto America! Live like there's no tomorrow, because as far as you squallid lot are concerned, there very much isn't . . . . Behold! [camera switches views to a large contraption] The instrument of your doom! I call it: The Annihilatrix! And when it is completed, a million gigatons of thrust will propel the Earth, directly, into the Sun. So look upon my works ye mighty, and despair.....

Killface: And we're happy with this background?
[Dissention from the others]
Killface: It's not too Leno-y?
Trent: [enraged] If you want to be Leno-y, we can have you come down here, and you can do high fives! We could put a wig with a gray streak in your face! We can have you read off cuecards! We'll put Kevin Eubanks over there on guitar! [calms down] I shouldn't have said that.
[[Killface shoots Trent, sending his severed upper body across the room.]
Brent: That was my twin brother!
Killface: [points the gun at the other two] I want it to be perfect.

Killface: Maybe we should ask Trent.
[Killface picks up Trent's severed torso like a ventriliquist's dummy]
Killface: So uh.. heard you went to the doctor and uh... he had a bit of bad news for you, is that right?
Killface: [moving Trent's mouth and imitating his voice] Yeah! Turns out I have termites.
[Killface turns to the others and smiles]

Killface: There's your twenty billion, Brent! Drink it in! The fusion chamber alone cost nine billion. The thrusters another four! You think there's just heaps of money left over for - WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?
Brent: Uh [clears throat] Media Buy.
Killface: MEDIA BUY!?!
Valerie: Please don't kill us!
Killface: Please don't make it so appealing!

[Killface is holding Brent by his legs at the top of the Annihilatrix, threatening to drop him]
Killface: [sighs] You see, Brent? We all have jobs to do.
Brent: Great, there goes my pen! Great!
Killface: My job is to complete the Annihilatrix and destroy mankind by driving this vile planet straight into the Sun [Brent interrupts].
Brent: Wait! I have another idea! Listen...
Killface: And your job is to market it.
Brent: Listen! No listen! We can get... Jason Alexander!
Killface: Great!
Brent: Yeah!
Killface: You can call him when you hit the ground!
Brent: Nooo! Wait, wait! I got another idea! Better than Jason Alexander! I got, uh...
Killface: Don't say David Arquette to me!
Brent: I wo... well now that you say that I'm not going to.

[Killface is examining Annihilatrix DVD]
Brent: ...Any standard DVD player.
Killface: Or any uhh... "PC", it says here?
Brent: Yes, any Personal Computer with DVD capabiliti-
Killface: GREAT SCOTT!!
Valerie: [Screams out in panic]
Brent: What?
Killface: [Laughs], "PC"...
Brent: What?
Killface: ...Stands for "Personal Computer"... I just this moment got that... VALERIE!!!
Valerie: [Screams in panic again]
Killface: It's alright if you want to laugh.
[All three are silent]
Valerie: [Nervous laugh]
Killface: Good girl.

Brent: [to Killface] Ya (bleep)in' kidnap us, right, you drag us up here, ya (bleep) on every strategy we come up with - and by the way, that web promotion was tiiiiiight, but the bottom line is, you don’t have the (bleep)ing budget to run with the big dogs! Now, do you! (begins making barking noises).
Killface: [scoffs] Are you finished?
Brent: Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry
[Kills Brent the same way he killed Trent]
Killface: Look, Trent. I've made you a playmate. Say "Hello". Good lad.

Killface: [calling out] Sinn!
[Sinn enters the room]
Killface: If you would, please draw a bath for our lovely guest here. And please get this place decorpsed

Killface: [to Simon] We can't ever go back to Arizona!

Killface: [watching Taqu'il on TV], Can't watch tellie for five seconds without seeing that jibbering hooligan and here I am reduced to ... post cards, the dry hump of marketing strategies.

Meet Awesome X

Stan: It's time you learned how to run a business, and the first thing you're gonna do it fire the Xtacles.
Xander: But the Xtacles are the backbone of the Awesome-X fighting force.
Stan: They're also a $5 million annual drain on the company's bottom line.
Xander: Is that all you care about, the bottom line?
Stan: Yes.
Xander: Well, unless we all of a sudden lose $5 million somehow, I'm not firing my dogs... and I have to go ride in my limo.

[Grace Ryan is approaching the room where Xander is sleeping with a hooker.]
Grace: [opens door] What are you doing here?
Xander: [has put on the Awesome-X mask] Xan-uh, Billy- Xander Crews said I could use his place for this...
Grace: He-
Xander: ...hooker.
Grace: You know him?
Xander: We went to college together - no we didn't - get out of here. He will meet you at your place in an hour.

Hooker: Oh my God
Xander: I did not mean for her to see this
Hooker: Xander Crews
Xander: Lets go back to the big black thing.
Hooker: You're Awesome-X!

Stan: Five million dollars?!
Xander: Well, I had to pay her off. I can't have some blabbity-mouth hooker running around with my secret identity! That's the first thing they teach you.
Stan: Nobody cares about your secret identity!
Xander: It's to protect my loved ones.
Stan: You don't have any loved ones!
Xander: [gasp] Stan!
Stan: What, who? That girlfriend you treat like dirt? Your murdered parents?
[Quick shot of pictures of Xander's parents]
Stan: And you can say good-bye to the X-tacles.
Xander: Wh--What?
Stan: What what? You just spent their entire salary for the year.
Xander: See, I knew you were going to trick me into doing this!
Stan: Me?! You're the one who paid five million dollars for a blowjob!
Xander: was a half-and-half, first of all; second of all...okay I'm going.

[Xander, as Awesome-X, has a conversation with the Xtacles.]
Xander: ...but the Crew Company funds the entire Awesome X operation. So, you know, take it up with Xander Crews.
Xtacle #1: Let's kill that son of a bitch!
Xtacles: Yeah!
Xander: No, no, let's don't--he's a good guy. We don't kill good guys. We kill bad guys, come on. It's in our charter
Xtacle #1: So, what's up with our 401(k)?
[Xander just turns his head and groans]
Xtacle #2: What--that's my nest egg! We're still gonna have health insurance, right?
Xtacle #1: Oh my God! Health insurance, I need that.
[Xander just clears his throat]
Xtacles: What?!
Xtacle #3: Are we at least eligible for COBRA?
Xander: What, the little... the G. I. Joe dolls?
Xtacle #2: No, not the G. I. Joe dolls.

Xander: I don't care what "Boys from Brazil" thing you got going on in there, but I'm still the boss in here. And we're making Awesome-X dolls, and they're gonna kick so much ass, you'll probably go blind. And if you still have a problem with that, there's the big-ass door.
Stan: You're not going to sell doll one without a villain, you ninny--a Cobra to your G. I. Joe; a Stretch Monster to your Stretch Armstrong; a Decepticon to your Autobot!

Xander: Hey! Tone, of Voice

Stan: 250 years, this company's been in your family, and from slaves and smallpox blankets, to softcore porn and semiconductors, it's always made a profit; but with one fell idiotic swoop, you've ruined it. I'm just glad your murdered parents...
Xander: My murdered parents wanted me to be happy!
[Quick shot of parents' pictures, with Awesome-X doll head]
Xander: And this can make me happy, Stan: [crying a little] fiscal sales of Awesome-X dolls.
Stan: No one is going to buy a superhero doll without a villain to fight.
Xander: Then I'm kind a loss, unless--[holds up Killface's postcard] what about this guy for the villain?
Stan: What? When did this get here?
Xander: Uhh... apparently, it's been here the whole time.

Pimp My Revenue

[a scene from Taqu'il's latest movie Some Like It Crump begins with police sirens resounding as Taqu'il's character is lying in the backseat clutching his side, clearly bleeding from a gunshot wound]
Taqu'il [as Jimmy] Ahh.. Ah! Ah! I can't... believe that bitch shot me! You gotta take me to the hospital!
[the view changes to reveal the driver of the car, a black man, dressed as a clown in a clown suit and makeup, complete with rainbow wig and red nose]
Clown: [turning to speak to Jimmy as he is driving] You know I can't do that, Jimmy! You ain't gonna die. Say it!
Jimmy: I'm all shot up, man!
Clown: You ain't gonna diiiiieeeeee, say the freakin' woooooorrrrrds! [a smaller clown seated on the passenger side appears and honks a horn at him]
Jimmy: I ain't gonna die... I ain't gonna die... I ain't gonna die.

Sinn: If he always throws his food on the floor, how is he so fat?
Simon: [gasps and runs off]
Killface: No, son... [to Sinn] Now look what you've done!
Sinn: Sire, I'm sorry
Killface: Apologize to his self-esteem! Now we've talked about the chubby cycle. One snarky comment like that and he's back in the cupboard. And he was doing so well. Three pounds this week.
Sinn: Yes sire.
Killface: Shut up. Just shut up and eat the cereal.
Sinn: It's got glass in it.
[glares at her until she gets on the floor and begins eating the cereal]]

Taqu'il: Cameraman, cameraman, can you push in on this? It says "Welcome to you-apostraphe-r-e doom"?
Verl: And he's got "doom" in quotes, which it shouldn't be.
Mitzi: Oh I just hate it when people do that. I just want to throw acid in their face.

Killface: Why does it say "Welcome to you are 'Doom!'"? What does that even mean, and why, for God's sakes, is "Doom!" in quotes?
Valerie: I don't know.
Killface: Is this some sort of ironic doom? Is the wink implied?
Valerie: No, I don't know.
Killface: No, it isn't. So please tell me how and why I'm suddenly a laughingstock!
Valerie: Uh...'cause you signed off on the proofs?
[Killface just taps the postcard on his thigh]

Killface: [on climbing machine] ...then find me that printer so I can cut his arms off.
Valerie: But you signed off on...
Killface: Mention those proofs again and just see what happens, Valerie.
Valerie: Look, bad grammar aside, forty million people just saw your postcard.
Killface: [stopping exercise] Bugger me! They pull those numbers?
Valerie: It's the highest-rated daytime show ever.
Killface: Ugh, I hate America.
Valerie: [leading] And their booker owes me a favor.
Killface: No, she doesn't. Valerie, if you could get me on Live With Mitzi and Verl, I'd...I'd want two segments--not the one after Verl monologue, that's garbage time--but the next two, after the break. Valerie, you get me on there, you just name your reward.
Valerie: I'd like for you to let me go.
Killface: [resuming exercise] Well, you know...except for that.

Mitzi: "Big guy" is right. Look at those pecs! [Applause] I wish I had a chest like that. Ba-dum-bum!
X-tacle #1: [watching on the ship with the other X-tacles] I wish I had someone like her growing up.
X-tacle #2: Dude, save it for group.

Verl: Big guy, how much ya bench?
Killface: I don't know, really...
Verl: I bet you do 240.
Killface: Actually, it's closer to 900.
Verl: 900 pounds this guy...
Killface: No, no, sorry that's kilos.

Randy: Introducing the Scion tC! The bold, sleek styling is all like ka-kow, but the 2.4-liter dual overhead cam engine with 160-horsepower is all like KA-KOW!

X-tacle #3: [on the Scion tC] I could take that to the beach.
X-tacle #4: [raising hand] Shotgun!
X-tacle #2: You at the beach, with your skin?

X-tacles: [chanting] Scion tC!
Mao: [watching in store] Sci-ron t-She!

Verl: Everybody look under your seats!
Killface: Stop it! [silence] First of all, Oprah already gave her audience cars...
Verl: Not the new Scion tC, she didn't!
Killface: ...and didn't waste one segment clucking like a goose about that damn ring--and I hope you know a good appraiser, because if that's not paste, I'll eat my hat. [Mitzi gasps] Now my last segment has fallen victim to "Scion fever."
Verl: Because we love the new Scion tC!
Killface: Shut up! There's a clear line between entertainment and advertising, and you've bloody well crossed it.
[The Scion tC is featured is the background while he talks.]
Killface: Those 18-24's that you're so keen on detest being pitched to, and when I destroy the world, they won't have much use for 17-inch alloy wheels,, no, turn that off there. Stop it. I won't be your pitchman. You hear me. [Walking off; petulant] You're all doomed.
Verl: Doomed to enjoy the new Scion tC!

Killface: What a colossal waste of time, and I defy this day to get any worse.
Guy #1: [out of shot] Hey, there goes the new Scion tC!
Guy #2: Dude, that is tight!
Killface: I hate this country.
X-tacles: [driving by in Scion tC, splashing puddle all over Killface] Scion tC! Scion tC!
Killface: Son-of-a-whore! Yes, have fun driving your new Scion tC around on the sun!


Awesome X: Just a damn minute, Mr. man, are you even Asian?
[Mao wipes away glasses and fake eyebrows]
Mao: Yeah, see, I kinda got this minority business loan.
[X-tacles cock and point guns at Mao]
Awesome X: Those loans are for non-threatening educated women of color.
Xtacle #1: Yeah, like maybe she wants to go into real estate.
Xtacle #2: Or maybe open up a beauty salon.
Xander: Screw it, shoot him.
Mao: Hey. Hey, whoa. Can't we work something out here. [slips him a postcard]
Xander: More. More. More, like a whole box more. And the villabouts of the whereain Kelly.
Xtacle #1: Whereabouts of the villain killface.
Xander: Did I say the villabouts of the whereain Kelly?
Xtacle #1: Yeah
Xander: 'Cause I've been doing that a lot lately. I wonder if it's a tumor.
Xtacle #1: I know a good cancer doctor.

[looking at fax machine]
Sinn: Perhaps you could get something for it at the local pawnbrokery.
Killface: Sinn, that's bloody brilliant. Hocking this fax machine is sure to bring in the 12 billion I need to complete the Annihilatrix. You're really really really really really really really really smart! [Pause] And pretty.

[in the office to Stan]
Xander: Gimme some glitter on here!
Stan: You can't fax glitter.
Xander: Well, not with that attitude.
Stan: Not with any attitude!

Stan: Well calm down. It's not prom night.
Watley:Yeah, cause I'm not... getting... raped.

Phil: Sir, don't you think it's kind of weird how the prize money for this thing is exactly the amount we need to finish the Annihilatrix?
Killface: No, I think it's weird that you question me every...time there's a...thing.

Killface: Sinn, meet Mr Watley. But don't get too friendly. I'm afraid he's one of our competitors.
Sinn: Charmed
[the two stare deeply in each other's eyes]
Watley: [strains as a plopping sound is heard]
Killface: Did you just... lay a clutch of eggs?
Watley: Well, I gotta go. You should get those in some sand. [runs off embarassed]
Killface: That's... something you don't see every day... one hopes.

[Team Killface is huddles together, readying for their presentation]
Killface: All right, allright. Let's bring it in. Bring it in. On me. On me. Now look, I'm counting on all of you. There's no yesterday. There's no tomorrow. Forget ant farm keyboard. That's... forget that. I want you to go out there, and take this moment, and make it yours.

Waiter: [after having sex with Grace] Wow. Thanks, lady. Wait 'til the guys at school hear about this.
Grace: Oh my God.
Waiter: Do you like X-Box?
Grace: Sweetie, I'm tired.


Xander: Watley, take the damn ant-farm keyboards to the dump. Oh, and that radioactive waste can also go.

Grace: [putting on lipstick] Do you even know how huge this Killface interview will be for me?
Cameraman: So huge your boyfriend will learn your name?
Grace: Why would you even say that?
Cameraman: Because I care about you, we all do.
Grace: Really?
Cameraman: No, we don't.

Xander: Looking back, Operation Snooperfax was a little...convoluted. Convoluted.
Stan: Convoluted? Damn it, you just about used up all of our operating capital.
Xander: Do we still have enough to pay for Train Island?
Stan: Yes, your little choo-choos are safe.
Xander: Nice!
Stan: Only because I had to make some pretty deep cuts in...elsewhere.
[The X-tacles receive their drastically deducted paychecks]
X-tacle #1: Guess I'll call Jan and tell her we're not going to Orlando.
X-tacle #2: Orlando? Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.

Watley: And I'll put the ant-farm keyboards in the radioactive waste, thereby minimizing the ecological impacts of both! Way to go Watley, you're doin it!

Cameraman: So what's this now, some kind of calm before the weird berserker storm?
Grace: When I'm onstage at the Airport Radisson accepting my local Peabody, I'm not gonna mention any of you.

Sinn: You didn't kill the taxi driver?
Killface: You know, I was, but I think it's hard enough on the Arabs in this beastly country right now.
Sinn: I don't think he's Arab.
Phil: No, I'm pretty sure that guy is Filipino.
Killface: Well then. [Shoots the taxi driver] London calling.
Grace: Oh my God! Yes! THAT is exactly the kind of bloodlust that makes for a phenomenal interview. Hi. Grace Ryan, Force 10 News.
Killface: And you must be Killface. What am I saying? Of course you're not Killface, not with a face like that; no one in their right mind would think to call you...I'm Killface...if anybody is.

Killface: [to Simon] I'm so proud of you. We're going to split a half-pint of lager and watch Cinemax all night.

Killface: Xander Crews, I demand a ransom of twelve billion dollars...
Xander: Oh, terrific.
Killface: ...for you.
[Two X-tacles drop down, guns pointed at Killface]
X-tacle #1: He's not paying you a dime, Killface.
Xander: Yeah!
[Third X-tacle drops down and points gun at Xander]
X-tacle #3: Cause dead men don't pay ransom.
Xander: No!
Killface: I'm going to start freaking out now

Xander: Grace!
Waiter: Mi amor!
Killface: Lovely newslady!
Grace: This is Grace Ryan, Force 10 News, dangling helplessly from high atop the Annihilatrix, my microphone now literally a lifeline, because if I fall, I will drop into...what appear to be drums full of super-intelligent radioactive-waste-covered ants.
Cameraman: [whispering] Oh God, please fall.

Emergency Room

[After Grace falls from the Annihilatrix and into the tub of radioactive waste, everyone just stares looking down]

Killface:...Oh my God she fell...
Cameraman: ...awesome

Killface: Fetch the minivan. We're off to murder that wretch Xander Crews.
Grace: Don't you dare hurt him!
Sinn: Sire, Phil has cancer.
Killface: First of all, he's obviously not that into you.
[Grace gasps]
Killface: Phil, given your strict forcemeats-and-cheese regimen, the only real surprise is you're not dead already.
Phil: Phil, grappling with the cold reality of death, has no pithy rejoinder.

Grace: Oh my God, Xander, where are you?
Killface: Well, wherever he is, I'm sure he's laughing his fat face off.
[Aboard the Xcalibur, Xander is tied to a chair getting punched by the Xtacles]
X-tacle #1: Who's laughing now, Crews?
Xander: I wasn't laughing before. [Punch]]
X-tacle #2: I'm gonna punch him so friggin' hard.
X-tacle #3: I'm gonna smash his face in!
X-tacle #4: I'm gonna blow him. [Everybody looks at him] UP! Wh... [Walks off] Queers!

Xander: What the hell do you want?
X-tacles: [trading punches and demands] We want a living wage! And some health insurance! And some flex hours, bitch!

X-tacle: So you want it in the face or...?
Xander: No, not my handsome face!
X-tacle: Aw, just kidding, you don't get to pick.

X-tacle: See you in hell dick.

Meet Antagone

Killface: Great! The one person in the world I want to kidnap, and now he's missing!

[After Simon has broken yet another cereal bowl]
Killface: I mean it's every morning.
Watley: [Appearing from nowhere] Yeah, you gotta establish some boundaries.
Killface: [Coldly] Eager to know why you're here.

X-tacle #1: If he is Awesome X, that means he's been lying to us all these years.
X-tacle #2: Yeah, which is...actually pretty uncool.

[sitar Music Plays]
Phil: Ohn-Naa. Ohn-Naa.
Killface: No no no no! Stop that! Stop that Mantra!
Phil: Oh Hi, and a blessed day to you.
Killface: [annoyed] mm?
Phil: [Optimistic] Mm!
Killface: mm?
Phil: Mm! Ohn-Naa.
[Killface shoots through Phil's Speakers, ending the Sitar Music]
Killface: Get the hell out of Here!
Phil: Mm, I can't. Lorraine kicked me out when she found out I had cancer.
Killface: That fat slag!
Phil: Enh!
Killface: Surely this town has a Y, Philip?
Phil: No, I'm getting a pretty nice Healing Vibe here. Good for my Chakra.
Killface: No, No, Cancer's a bad influence on Simon! Worse than Sinn and that Prawn and...whatever happend to Val?
[The eyes of Mrs Killface's Portrait slide back, revealing Valerie's eyes, looking shifty; the original eyes are replaced.]
Killface: Anyway, get your candles and your, white silks or whatever and just pop on down to the Y, hm?
Phil: Ohmmmmy lawyers say the Annihilatrix caused my cancer.
Killface: What lawyers?
Phil: It's all here in the lawsuit.
Killface: My God, the stones on you.

Grace: For Tense Forth News, I'm Grant Runyon.
Cameraman: No, that time you said "Grant Runyon."
Grace: God, what is wrong with me?
Cameraman: Maybe you should go back to the doctor.
Grace: Maybe you should go back to the doctor.
Cameraman: [the camera is sticking out of his chest] Maybe you should shove your skinny arm up my a-hole and change out this tape!

Killface: When I get back from the bowl store, I want this apartment to be a crab-and-cancer-free zone.
Sinn: Arthur can't be moved. I think his ribs are all smashed up inside.
Killface: Well my foot hurts, so we're even

Stan: Then call Grace Ryan. Set up a late supper, just the two of us, because now that I've assumed Xander Crews' professional position, I think it's high time I assume the position with his lovely paramour.

Killface: Phil, what does that look like?
Phil: You know, from here it looks like ants are robbing that bank.
Killface: Well, from here it looks like my financial worries are behind me. [He picks up a gold bar carried by an ant] Come over here, you have pockets.
Phil: Better call my lawyer. This might be an attachable asset.
Killface: No, don't call them.

Ronnie: I will I will, please to be picking me, guys. Please.
Xtacle: Fine Ronnie, but don't let him escape.
Ronnie: *Sinister laughter* Oh, you don't worry about that, guys.

Ronnie: [holding a blonde wig and superglue] Now, I will glue this to your head, and then I make love to your face.

Antagone: Unhand it or suffer my wrath.
Killface: Now see here, woman. If anyone's wrath is going to be suffered, it's mine.
Antagone: It's not wise to antagonize Antagone!
Killface: I'm sorry, Auntie who?
Antagone: Antagone!
Killface: Was "Betty Bug Lady" already taken?

Killface: Once again, the mall has become my Waterloo. [Grabbing a post] I surrender.
Antagone: A wise choi-- [She is hit with the post]
Killface: And the next one's right in the tit!

X-tacle: Where the hell is Crews?! And where are your pants?
Killface: [Unable to get his money out of the bank after Phil spends the money he received from suing Killface] Ridiculous! A hundred and eighty dollars for snake oil?
Phillip: Shark oil, and some of that was for the bank salts and add... the luffa.
Killface: Oh damn your luffa... [Starts pounding the machine] and damn Xander Crews and damn his snotty back!
Phillip: Yeah, why do you bank here anyway?
Killface: [Temporarily with a happier tone] Checking with interest. [Starts pounding the machine again, breaking it] But now this blasted machine tells me my checking account can't be accessed!!
Phillip: Wow, already?
Killface: I d- I beg your pardon?
Phillip: Well, we had to freese your assets. [Killface tries to suppress his anger with a deep breath] Come on, its common sense. I'm sorry, you want some walking around money?
Killface: No, I want to go you to the car and get some plasma charges and blow Xander Crews' crummy, little bank to-

(The bank explodes, knocking Killface and Phillip)

Phillip: My luffa, where's my luffa?!
Killface: Shut up, Phil.

Blind Faith

Grace: [rapidly, holding stolen gems] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Xander: Grace! Open the damn door, it's Xander!
Grace: [tone of Antagone, eyes glowing green] Xander Crews?
Xander: Yes, idiot!
[Grace/Antagone growls]
[Antagone opens door]
Xander Hey fun bags where's my idiot girlfriend?
[Xander gets knocked out

Xander crews: And for your information managing a workforce the size of the X-tacles is...
Nerd #1: Yeah.
Xander crews: Like, that takes management skills.
Nerd #1: It Does.
Nerd #2: So your superpower is... management? Baffling.
Xander Crews: You're a bitch.

Xander: Hi Funbags, I'm Xander. Where's my idiot girlfriend?
Antagone: Hi-yah! [Punches Xander, sending him flying out to the car] Grace Ryan is dead, and now you, Xander Crews, shall join her in...being dead!
Xander: Who even are you?
Antagone: My name is Antagone!
Xander: Really?

Stan: Now then, I've usurped Crews' company, usurped his alter ego, and...where are we on my date with Ms. Ryan?
Clone: Harumph.
Stan: Well, keep trying. If the situation keeps trending so positively, I...[starts stroking himself] Yes, the sap is definitely rising, and damned if anyone's going to destroy the Earth and spoil all my fun.

Killface: [blind] I'm quite sure it was a twenty!
Waiter: Dude, it's a ten.
Killface: Oh, is that how you pay for the benzoyl peroxide I smell steaming off your greasy face?

Xander: It's gone! It's all gone! The billionaire money is gone, the superhero stuff and the X-tacle fighting force is also gone, and the girlfriend is gone, and even the nerds now are gone, and I got nothing! Might as well be David Arquette!

Xander: [Xander has hit the blind Killface with his car] Hey, hey, no no man, don't move, man. I think you got a concussion.
Killface: Ow! What happened?
Xander: Hit... hit... hit... and... and they ran... hit and run.
Killface: Oh! On a blind man! Crap! Riding dirty, no doubt... Bubba Cush. Well I, sir, am Killface. And you are in my debt... I'm in your debt.
Xander: Yeah, you have a house.
Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. And I will take a nap. Where's my food?
Xander: Yeah, here...
Killface: My head... kills.
Xander: Um... this is actually full of rocks.
Killface: Oh, that guy!
Xander: Yeah. [Laughs] He does that to blind people all the time.
Killface: Oh, I hate him!
Xander: Yeah, my girlfriend even did a thing on the news about it-
Killface: Is your girlfriend on the news?
Xander: My... what?
Killface: Is she Grace Ryan? Wait a minute. Who are you? Shhhhh. Smell that? Smell crickets?
Xander: We should go to your house.
Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. Take naps. And y... what's your name? I don't know your name.
Xander: Um... uh... mmm... Barnaby Jones.
Killface: [Beat] Barnaby Jones!
Xander: Yeah.
Killface: [Singing] People, let me tell ya 'bout my new best friend, Barnaby Jones! [Long pause] ...Nap.

The Odd Couple

Killface: Piping hot hell in a bloody hatbox!

Stan: [as Awesome X through transmission] How did he even escape anyway?
X-tacle #1: We're...dealing with that internally, X.
Stan: Inte...I'll deal with you internally!
[The X-tacles gasp as Stan holds up a remote.]
Stan: Yes, you'd better gasp collectively, because until you find Xander Crews, I'm gonna blow one of your heads off every hour.
[Transmission ends]
X-tacle #1: Oh my f-ing God...
X-tacle #2: Every hour? What are we going to do?
X-tacle #3: First of all, maybe we shouldn't have agreed to have remote-controlled explosives put in our necks.
X-tacle #1: Well where were you at contract time?
X-tacle #3: Your mom's house. [X-tacle #1 points gun at #3] Cleaning! I was only cleaning.
X-tacle #1: [holstering gun] Yeah, that's what I thought.
X-tacle #3: [pointing his own gun] Her vagina!

X-tacle #2: Did Awesome X seem kind of weird to you guys?
X-tacle #1: Probably just the mustache.
X-tacle #2: Yeah, mustaches are cool.
X-tacle #1, #2, #3: Magnum, P.I.!
X-tacle #4: Rick Simon! [The other X-tacles turn and look at him.] Also had a mustache.

X-tacle #2: What's that supposed to be?
X-tacle #3: A little ashtray.
X-tacle #2: For who?
X-tacle #3: It''s for my mom.
X-tacle #2: Wh--Diane still smokes?
X-tacle #3: Yeah, right in know... [points at neck] the little neckhole.
X-tacle #4: Dude!

Xander: You don't know how to do anything!
Killface: I know how not to let my son run off in robot pants with a fistful of knifes!
Xander: Yeah, you're a fantastic parent.
[Killface brakes the car to a screeching halt.]
Killface: You take that back.
Xander: [quietly] Sorry.

Killface: This is hopeless.
Xander: Look, don't worry man. At his age, I was like, chronic masturbater. Kinda, kinda still am. But the point is - I like it. I would like to masturbate right now in this car. You know? If I had my stuff with me. I would! What are we even talking about?
Killface: I'm talking about searching for Simon!
Xander: Oh.

X-tacle #3: [His GPS tracker has picked up the signal in the Robot pants] Guys, come on! He's right outside!
X-tacle #2: Wait, my paint's not dry.
X-tacle #3: I told you not to glob it on like that.

X-tacle #2: That's not Crews, that's Nearl, the local retarded wino guy.
X-tacle #3: Yeah...right now. [Taps on the the car window, which Nearl rolls down] Hey, Nearl!
Nearl: I am Nearl!
X-tacle #3: You wanna make fifty bucks?
Nearl: Okay!

Shortly after Killface has grazed Xander's eyes with a shotgun, leaving them both blind and lost in the middle of the city.

Chinese Sweatshop Truck Driver: Hey, you blind guys! You want ride?
Killface: Oh, God, thank you. Yes, please.
Xander: [to Killface] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Trusty Rusty. [to Truck Driver] Who are you?
Chinese Sweatshop Truck Driver:[hesitatingly] Uhh... The bus?
Xander: Okay. They are the bus.

[Xander and Killface proceed to board the sweatshop truck.]

Killface: This bus could use a stick-up.
Xander: [blind] Yeah, it smells like shattered dreams.

Flowers for Nearl

Nearl: What's your names, guys?

Nearl: Is this really Babar's house?

X-tacle #2: Nearl... I'm gonna kill Babar.

X-tacle #1: Okay, got the tuxedo shirt.
X-tacle #2: Uhh...what is that?
Nearl: Everybody is Ken!
X-tacle #1: What is what?
X-tacle #2: That!
X-tacle #1: It's the shirt.
X-tacle #2: Really. And is it me, or is it 1987? A winged collar. Are you...doing this?
X-tacle #3: What are...what's everybody doing?
X-tacle #2: No, that's great. Maybe you and Nearl...
Nearl: I'm Nearl!
X-tacle #2: ...your f*cking prom date can borrow your dad's f*cking time machine...
X-tacle #3: Please don't do this.
X-tacle #2: ...and fly it into the gym down there at I'm-a-jackoff High School...
Nearl: Everybody!
X-tacle #2: ...and slow dance to Lisa Lisa and motherf*cking Cult Jam!
Nearl: Lisa Lisa, the one I adore!
X-tacle #4: [running in] I think it's the Cult Jam.
X-tacle #1: [as Ed McMahon] You are correct, sir.
X-tacle #2: No, he isn't, nor is that collar!
X-tacle #3: Can we just fix the collar?
X-tacle #5: [at sewing machine] Oh, sure, why not? I'll just do it tonight while I'm missing another recital.

X-tacle #1: So...who's read Flowers for Algernon?
Nearl: Ken!
X-tacle #2: Oooh, about the kid with all the chains, and the goggles, and at the end he gets killed with a shotgun?
Xtacles #2, #3, #4: Boosh
X-tacle #1: That's Harrison Bergeron.
Xtacles #2, #3, #4: Hollywood Squares!
X-tacle #1: That's Tom Bergeron.
X-tacle #2: Brother of Menelaus!
X-tacle #1: Damn it, that's Agamemnon!

X-Tacle #1: Nearl?
Nearl: "Mr. Crews" will do nicely. Although I can't say the same for that winged collar.

Stan: What are "whammies"?

Nearl: Summer, 1977. Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" was playing on Everybody's Eight-Track as the nation slept in fear of the Son-of-Sam killer [X-Tacle's Gasp], and mourned the loss of our Favourite Son, legendary rock-and-roll icon Elvis Aaron Pres-
[An X-Tacle's Head Explodes]:
X-Tacle #1: Why are our heads still blowing up?
X-Tacle #2: Sorry. Sat on the remote.
X-Tacle #3: We should put that in a cabinet...
X-Tacle #2: Yeah.
Nearl: [continuing his story] And...
X-Tacle #3:That your fat ass can't fit in.
Nearl: Everybody! Just...Okay? And, Like Elvis, Xander Crews identical twin! [X-Tacles Gasp]
X-Tacle #3: A twin?
Nearl: Twin Heirs, to the vast Crews Fortune, left behind by my murdered Parents. (shows them an identical photo to Xander's)
X-Tacle #1: Oh my God.
X-Tacle #2: [Referring to his Popcorn] Yeah, it's Cheddar.

Young Nearl: I don't wanna go to the monkey hospital!
Young Xander: But Nearl wanna stay with mummy and daddy and brother Xandy!
Mrs Crews: No Xander, he's dead to us
Young Xander: (Starts crying)
Mr Crews: Now; who's for Denny's?
Young Xander: (Instantly stops crying) Grandslam!

X-Tacle #1: Oh My God I'm so friggin' sad!
Nearl: Yes! Here you go. [Hands X-Tacle a tissue]
X-Tacle #1: I'll take it thank you.
Nearl: But life in the hospital was a Picnic compared to Life on the Mean streets of...Town...
Nearl: ...But I want to stay forever living in the Hospital with you Mr. Ford!
Mr. Ford: Hospital closed Nearl.
Nearl: Uh Oh!
Mr. Ford: Now I gotta go and work in a damn Pet Store.
Nearl: I'd like that!
Mr. Ford: [Ignoring him] And you can thank Ron Reagan's ass for that! (He drives away)
Nearl: Thank you, Ronald Reagan. (Pauses to think) Your legacy is intact.
[Flashback Ends]:
Nearl: But thanks to you and your mysterious brain chemical, we shall savor the sweet nectar of revenge as we rise up, as one man, and DESTROY MY BROTHER, XANDER CREW--[Ronnie shoots Nearl in the head] Thanks, Ken! [Nearl falls over]
X-tacle #1: Ronnie!
Ronnie: What?
X-tacle #1: What is wrong with you!?
Ronnie: Hey, what? I do you favor.
X-tacle #1: This is why we can't have nice things! Thank you, Ronnie!
Ronnie: Look this is complicated enough without all this evil twin bullsh*t having.
X-tacle #1: You know, that is... actually, that's a pretty good point.
X-tacle #2: Good for you, Ronnie.
X-tacle #1: Yeah, it's complicated.
X-tacle #3: So, if Xander Crews really is Awesome X, then where is he?

[a fellow slave has given Killface a radish]

Killface: Barnaby, tell him thank you. [Xander Crews thanks him in a foreign language] Try to make it sound a little sarcastic.

Killface: Well, a train's not an iron rooster but that's what they call it in China!
Xander Crews: Really?
Old Spice: [Laughs, speaks in chinese] It's a colorful language.

Xander Crews: Oh, that's just crazy China man talk.
Killface: Barnaby, make those words English!
Xander Crews: I kinda think he said... death rabbits.

The Grate Escape

["Previously" on "Frisky Dingo"]
Sinn: I can't believe Killface fired me. Well, revenge shall be mine.
Valerie: [kicking out the painting] No! Revenge shall be mine!

X-tacle #1: I can't believe Xander Crews had a twin brother!
X-tacle #2: Yeah, until Ronnie shot him in the face.

X-tacle #1: Has anyone got a prayer?
X-tacle #2: Oh! Uh... It's more of a limerick."

X-tacle #2: There once was a dead guy named Nearl. He rode around town on a squirrel. He said to the pig... I... don't actually have one.
X-tacle #1: Fantastic.

Killface: So if I'm here... this way... oh, here's an idea, indicate north. Otherwise it's not a map. It's just a drawing.
Xander Crews: So get this, he didn't even have a car.
Killface: Well thank God we sorted that out.
Xander Crews: Yeah.
Killface: Now will you please come on!

X-tacle #1: Come on, no sense mopin' around here all day.
Ronnie: Yes, have too many sad memories here. [Knocks over Nearl's wreath.] Also is messy.
X-tacle #1: Say we...treat ourselves, go do something fun.
X-tacle #2: Ooh, let's go to the illegal underground Chinese rabbit fights!
X-tacle #3:!
X-tacle #2: What?
X-tacle #3: Let's get there this instant!

Killface: Barnaby, listen.
Xander Crews: What?
Killface: I thought I heard something. [Xander Crews screams and presses against Killface]
Xander Crews: I bet it's a chud.
Killface: We really need to get you some pants.
Xander Crews: Yeah, that's not a pickle.
Killface: I know. It's your penis.
Xander Crews: My penis? [deepens voice] My penis.
Killface: Barnaby...
Xander Crews: Scrinching back!

Xander Crews: So, what's the plan here, big 'un?
Killface: Well, first we follow this vented scum pipe to the lair of Torpedo Vegas, where we'll affect ingress through the drain in the men's lavatory. Once past the perimeter, you'll distract the first guard. [Xander is standing naked in front of a guard, rubbing his nipples]
Xander Crews: Oh, me so horny. Oh, you like tea bag Chinatown?
Killface: While I excecute a stealth kill. [Killface comes up behind the guard and snaps his neck]
Guard: What the?
Killface: Ha ha! Shh shh shh shh shh shh...yes, go see your mommy.

Killface: Then I'll face off with Torpedo Vegas mano-a-mano. Probably with katanas. [Killface slashes at Vegas with a katana]
Torpedo Vegas: You win this round... Killface... [the top half of his torso begins to slide off.]
Killface: Then I'll have a tearful reunion with Simon and we can all go home. Bing bong bing.
Xander Crews: Yeah. My part's kinda gay.
Killface: Hah! Wait til you hear Plan B!
Xander Crews: Uh...what's Plan B?
[They Round a corner and are faced with a dozen gun-wileding guards]
Guard: Fleeze, douche bags!
Killface: I don't actually have one.

Penultimate Fighting

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: So that's your plan? Break in there, kill all the guards, and rescue Simon?
Killface: A simple, logical progression, Barnaby. [They are hit by spotlights]
Chinese Guard: Fleeze, douchebags!
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Yeah... yeah pretty much writes itself.

Killface: Pneumatic tubes eh?
Torpedo Vegas: Obviously.
Killface: Can't put coins in those.
Torpedo Vegas: They were very clear on that. I'm not even sure where they go. All I know is that I can't put coins in them can I?
Killface: I -
Torpedo Vegas: Because I can't put coins in it!

Torpedo Vegas: I don't even have any coins you bitch!

Torpedo Vegas: He's like a kid in a candy shop, and that candy is... success. And I'm that friendly man at this cash register with a handle bar mustache *chuckles*
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: What?
Killface: I think I'm missing the key reference.
Torpedo Vegas: I can't have people sneaking in here leaking dooky water on my rugs. That's unacceptable.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: I HAVE PATTY HEARST SYNDROME!
Killface: Barnaby just-
Torpedo Vegas: I'm getting furious at you, you don't even have any pants on.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Neither does he!
Torpedo Vegas: Well he doesn't have a penis! As far as I can tell...
Killface: I - uh -
Xander Crews / Barnaby Jones: Yeah, what is the story on that?
Killface: Oh, like you can talk.
Xander Crews: Hey, my penis fills an entire tall-boy.
[Quick cut to Xander, as Awesome X, dancing in front of the X-ticles, naked except for a beercan covering his groin and shouting "Master Cylinder!" through a megaphone. Cut back to Torpedo Jones' lair]
Torpedo Jones: [Scoffing] I'm sure it doesn't fill it.

Killface: Don't listen to him, he's crazy!
Xander Crews: Was Patty Hearst crazy when she kidnapped the Lindbergh twins?
Killface: Barnaby - just...turn six, alright?

Torpedo Vegas: Okay, I'll let you have the kid back if, and this is the part I kinda like, if you two fight to the death.
Killface: [Immediately] Done.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: What?

Taqu'il: Oh God I love Chinatown.
Torpedo Vegas: Ah tonights death rabbit boughts have been cancelled.
Drycleaner: What the hell damn guy!
Taqu'il: Oh man I hate Chinatown.

Killface: Alright, while I think of a plan-
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Plan? It was your stupid ass plan that got us into this pickle! Oh, we were supposed to get-
Killface: Don't... say it.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Sorry.
Killface: Now just try to make the fight look real- [Xander smashes him in the face repeatedly] Yeah, okay, relatively. Okay, okay, Barnaby?

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Do you hear a dial tone? 'Cause Barnaby Jones is off the hook!

Killface: Barnaby, they're not buying it, we're going to have to go to plan B.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Yeah, 'cause you're getting your ass kicked!
Killface: And I apologize in advance for this.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Hey dude, what are you- [Killface bites Xander's ear off, Xander screams and falls] Oh, son of a bitch!

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: My ear! Somebody put it in milk! [Killface spits it out]
Killface: What's that?
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: No no no, they can reattach it! [Stan's clones jump down on the ear and presumably eat it while harrumphing]
Killface: Now there's something you don't see everyday.

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Oh, you're fuckin' dead.
Killface: Yes, that's the spirit, Barnaby. [Xander smashes Killface in the face] Oh you're really selling it.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Oh, what's that? I obviously can't hear you.
Killface: Okay, Barnaby?
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Hey, I'm Killface, and I have a plan! Let me shoot your fuckin' eyes out! And then, let's wander around a fuckin' sewer our whole lives, looking for my fat ass, weirdo kid!
Killface: Hey-
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Who just happens to be-
Killface: Barnaby-
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: The world's fattest fucking pussy! [Killface yells and bashes Xander to the ground]
Killface: You made me do that! [Steps on Xander's neck]
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Well, your kid's still a pussy.
Killface: Barnaby-
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: 'Cause you are a failure as a parent.

X-Tacle #1: Hey Ronnie, isn't that your rape wig?
Ronnie: Yes, is one of them.
X-Tacle #1: KILL HIM!
Drycleaner: You Know the Law!
Taqu'il: This is Chinatown!

Killface: No, look at his face!
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: What?
Killface: He's got the mind of a child!
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Aw.

Killface: No, I won't kill my best friend!
Torpedo Vegas: I like that. [laughs awkwardly]
Killface: Excuse me?
Torpedo Vegas: Your words have moved me, Killface. And I'm not a man easily moved. This man, Barnaby Jones, may live.

Torpedo Vegas: So, why'd you two sneak into my lair?
Killface: I-
Xander Crews: He kidnapped me! I have Patty Hearst Syndrome!

Torpedo Vegas: Son, what can I say? This was a phenomenally great idea you had here. And your cut is... forty, thirty grand. Yeah, you can count it, if you wanna be a douchebag all your life.
Simon: What?
Torpedo Vegas: AHAHAHAHAHA! Naw, I'm kiddin'...don't worry about it.

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: So hey. Thanks for not killing me. Things got a little crazy back there.
Killface: Barnaby, how could I kill my best friend?
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Yeah...
Killface: Barnaby, we're BFF!

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Yeah, I am actually [Takes off wig and glasses] Xander Crews!
Killface: What!
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: [runs off] Woo woo woo!

Wendell: Cody's down!

Wendell: You do not fuck with the department of labor!

Wendell: This is for Cody. [shoots a news crew member]
Cody: what are you doing?
[Wendell tosses Cody the gun]
Wendell:Cody! What did you do! your going down for this!

Thrust Issues

Killface: As God is my witness, I will have my revenge on Xander Crews!

Xander Crews: Woah, woah, woah, hang on. I'm just gonna do one question. From, uh...
Grace Ryan: Ooh! Ooh! Me! [Xander sighs] Please pick-
Xander Crews: Darcel Jones! From Team Jaguar! How are you doing? You should call it team sexy!

[Bored, Killface watches his TV]
Xander Crews (on TV): Next Question - no that's it, we're done!
Male TV Voice: Coming Up, Friends, followed by -
Killface: [Sighs, switches channel]
Female TV Voice: Betrayal, Starring Jeremy Irons-
Killface: Mm. No. [switches channel]
SpanishMale TV Voice: Si Bueno i como Barnaby Jone-
Killface: No. [switches channel]
Male TV News Voice: - Marathon, of this Old Barn-
[switches channel]
Female TV Documentary Voice: -A Bee-
[switches channel]
Darcell Jones: - Jones of Team Jaguar -
[Killface blasts his TV Screen]
Killface: Barnaby Jones. Well, mark my words, as my newish HD TV goes, so goes-[cut to the Crews building]
Xander Crews: Xander frickin' Crews! Do you see the big ass sign out there? Does it say "Stan the big dumb fat jerk liar who tried to steal my company"? No! Building's not tall enough! Yuck, you know, I'm just glad my murdered parents aren't alive to see this, and frankly, we're not too stoked about seeing it either.
Stan: You son of a bitch.
Xander Crews: Are we, Old Spice?
Old Spice: Yes!
Xander Crews: He says do it until you get it right!

[On the X-tacle orbiting station]
X-tacle #1: Okay gang, we've have a pretty bad year this year. We've lost a lot of guys. So how about a big X-tacle welcome for our new recruits, huh? {To general greetings and acknowledgements] On the right over there we've got Ron, Peter, Dick, Woody, New Fat Mike and uh...
[The camera pauses on Sinn - obviously the only woman present. Everything goes silent]
X-tacle #1: ... and Hooper.
Sinn: [Perkily] Hi!
[General gasps of astonishment]
X-tacle #2: Yeah, what is up with that?
Sinn: [Adopting a deeper voice] I mean... what's up? ... Dudes?
X-tacle #3: Hey, uhm... is it weird that I kinda wanna fuck Hooper?
X-tacle #2: Not as weird as I kinda wanna fuck New Fat Mike.
Ronnie: Yeah, he gonna get it. Boosh.

[After Simon attempts to re-hang a portrait of his mother up]
Killface: So just leave Lady Mom on the floor as a painful remainder of everyone I clutch to my bosom in friendship, only to feel the icy pang of betrayal as they sink their serpent's teeth into my... y'know... my bosom!
[Phillip enters, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a basket of pickles]
Phillip: [Cheerfully] Well, my ears are burnin'.
Killface: Wha... Phillip?!
Phillip: Ta-daaa!
[Icy pause]
Killface: [Stand-offish] Eager to know why you're here.
Killface: Have you come to gloat?
Phillip: That, and I think I might have left my Zune here. Have ya seen it?
Killface: I don't know.
Phillip: No? It's a...
Killface: No, nothing here but a profound sense of betrayal.
Phillip: ... little Zune, it's got Mp3s on it...
Killface: Oh, and back knives.
Phillip: Ah, it's no biggie, I'll just buy a new one. I'm a billionaire now, you know.
Killface: Yes, I can tell by the tuxedo.
Phillip: Yep, that's what we wear. Y'know.
Killface: ZZ Top would be proud.
Phillip: Chompa chompa.

Killface: And to what shall we drink?
Killface: simon will you be a lamb?
Phil: Uh, that this isn't just a big glass of poison?
Killface: Phillip! That hurts me!
Phil: It's just, I'd hate to beat cancer just to-
Killface: Oh, you beat cancer!
Phil: Yeah, just to drink poison. Yep, cancer free!
Killface: Good for you.
Phil: Also, twenty billionaire!
Killface: What?! You got full price for the Annihilatrix?!
Phil: Chompa chompa.

[Phil takes a sip of his drink]
Killface: Yes, drink it in... and die!
Phil: [Horrified] Ah! The... Tom Collins!
Killface: Ha, you mean a vitoxin Collins!
Phil: Vitoxin?!
Killface: Yes! The anal blood gushing should start any moment! Should just... [It becomes clear nothing is happening] come... y'know, bursting... right out of your bottom.
Phil: Ha ha, no, I knew you were gonna try that!
Killface: No? Nothing?
Phil: I've been taking vitoxin for weeks!
Killface: [Outraged] Why, you formerly fat bastard!
Phil: yeah thats how i kinda lost the weight...

Phil: Well, I'd better deposit this check. Thanks for the drink, enjoy the pickles, and if you find my Zune, just give me a c-
[Phil's head is blasted off]
Killface: Bugger me.

[ontop a roof with a sniper rifle]
Valerie: Why 's it always got to be my ass? There's a... there's a person in this ass.

[On learning that Stan has bought the Annihilatrix with his entire fortune]
Xander: You mean I'm not a billionaire anymore? How does this impact Train Island?!

Killface: [Answers cell phone] Hello?
Xander Crews: [sighs over phone] What's up, Douchington?
Killface: No, no Douchington here- Hey, is that Xander Crews?

Killface: [About Xander Crews] Absolute monarch of all bumsnackers.

Killface: [To his son Simon] I hate to say it, but frankly, you're becoming something of a liability. You'll never get that hermit crab at this rate.

Xander Crews: You got my money?
Killface: It's right here! You got my key?
Xander Crews: Duh!
Killface: [Petulant] You don't have to be crappy.

[Arranging to swap the $20 billion check for the Annihilatrix key]
Xander Crews: We threw 'em! We throw 'em on three!
Killface: No, I-I think it's windy for...
Xander Crews: [Yelling quickly] One two three!
[Startled, Killface throws the check; it is caught by the wind before Xander (who didn't throw the key) can catch it]
Xander Crews: [Beat]... what the fuck, dude?!
Killface: You said throw it!
Xander Crews: Why?!... did I say that?!
Killface: 'Cause you're an idiot! And a liar! You didn't even throw yours!
Xander Crews: I was gonna keep them both!
Killface: You - Well, serves you right then!

[After Xander threatens to power up the Annihilatrix]
Killface: Xanderby, wait!
Xander Crews: Does this thing just start like a freaking car? Retarded.
[Xander turns the key; the ignition sequence commences]
Killface: Oh my God, you've armed it!
Xander Crews: Ahhh! Why did I also do that?
Killface: What is wrong with you?!
Xander Crews: My parents never established boundaries!

Killface: It's alright, there's a failsafe.
Xander: I don't know or care what that is!

Simon: Hahahaha... Boosh!

Valerie: [Mocking Killface] Oh please don't kill me. Please don't make it so appealing. I'm a douche.

Season 2

Behold a Dark Horse

X-tacles: (playing with beach ball, while everyone else screams) Boosh, boosh, boosh, boosh...

Killface: Would've died, too, if those couplings hadn't melted.
Interviewer: 'Cause your plan was to push the Earth into the sun, right?
Killface: Obviously not, because, you know...end result

Killface: Where are we, what are we doing?
Dottie: We're going broke, is what we're doing
Killface: Well, that's hard to believe. I know we're all making sacrifices.
Dottie: (on €149 Schnapps) But I paid for this personally.
Killface: No, you didn't.

Killface:Oh, the smell of those barbecues. It’s like, just put my nose in a saddle. “Mmm, whose saddle is this? That’s uncle Taint’s. How long’s he been ridin’ Dex? Oh, pert near three days. Well, let’s eat, buddy.”

Mr. Ford: Well... bad is a relative term.
(On the phone at his office)
Mr. Ford: I said, what you think about global warming? Huh? Well, get a job, you damn hippie! Huh? Aww, fuck you.
(Back to documentary interview)
Mr. Ford: Basically, I just make stuff up and fax it over there.
(cut from Mr. Ford's fax machine to Killface's)
Killface: Oh! Ooh! There's a fax coming!
(Back to documentary interview)
Mr. Ford: Some weeks he doin' good, other weeks, he's not doin'... he's not doin' any good.

Killface: (campaign stop at A.M.E. Zion Church, dressed like Michael Vick) Hello, African Zionists. Pleasure to be here, and how about that Jesus Christ, hmm? He's one bad mother--
Churchgoer: Hush your mouth!
Killface: I'm just talkin' 'bout Christ.
(At apartment)
Killface: We should send them a pie basket.
Dottie: They don't eat pie.
Killface: Yeah, they do.
Dottie: Have you ever actually met a black person?
Killface: Of course! Sinn was black.
Dottie: I don't think a servant...
Killface: Indentured servant...technically
Dottie: How did you ever win the primary?
(Shot of Killface on top of bus in ticker-tape parade, banner reading "Thanks Killface. Global Warming Cured")
Killface: Duh.

Taqu'il: He's a one-hit wonder: global warming.
Killface: Cured it. (Baby Lamont chirps)
Taqu'il: Shut up, Baby Lamont.
Killface: Hey, bro!
Taqu'il: His foreign policy is unrealistic...
Killface: Global warming.
Taqu'il: His domestic policy is non-existent...
Killface: Global warming.
Taqu'il: Health care...
Killface: Global warming.
Taqu'il: Immigration...
Killface: Global warming.
Taqu'il: Welfare reform...
Killface: Global warming.
Taqu'il: Man, do you even know what these terms mean?
Killface: I...know that I cured global warming.
Taqu'il: See? He's a one-trick pony.
Killface: Well, it's a pretty big pony.

Dottie: I either just had a stroke, or the most brilliant idea ever.
Killface: Well, your blood's too thin for a stroke, so let's hear it.

The Opposition

Wendell: (To Camera-man) Hey! Isn't that rival documentarian Michael Moore?
[The camera goes to the side. A gunshot is heard. The camera goes back.]
Wendell: Cheese and rice, he shot himself! [There is a pause.] With my gun somehow.

Camera Man: Excuse me!
[Camera zooms in on Xander, standing in the street, with a see-through pink shirt, and pink shorts. There is a pause.]

Camera Man: Well, it's been a year now-
Xander: A Year?! It's really been a whole year? What's today?
Camera Man: Thursday.
Xander: Oh my God, it has been a year.

Camera Man: Why couldn't you go to your girlfriend?
[Clip shows, of Grace Ryan standing outside her door with a pie.]
Xander: If I wanted to be smothered, I'd go to the Xtacles! ....They would smother me if I came back.

Camera Man: This is a documentary about Killface.
Xander: Killfa-[Scoffs]-is it called Check Me Out, I Suck?

Xander: What the hell would you know? You're just a robot!
Xtacle: think we're robots? Dude, this-this is just armor!
Xander: Sure.
[Xtacle takes off helmet, revealing a human head.]
Xtacle: See?
Xander: [Gasp] looks so real!

Xander: So, what's this whole movie deal about Killface?
Camera Man: Actually, he's running for president.
Xander: He's what?! How?!
Camera Man: Yeah, cause when he activated the Anihalatrix, he cured Global Warming.
Xander: Wait, no, I turned it on!
Camera Man: Well, he says he did.
Xander: Son of a bitch!
Cmaera Man: Yeah, so do cabs ever come by here?
Xander: Well, you know what? If he's running for President, then so am I!
Camera Man: Well, it takes, like, tons and tons of money to run for president.
Xander: [Holds up check containing his billions.] Well, is that enough? Ka-kow!
Camera Man: Hey, when did you get the check back?
Xander: Oh, just right after that whole incident with it blowing away.
[Flashback, Xander comes down from Annihilatrix in elevator]
Xander: Yeah, have fun getting the shit stomped outta you by the Xtacles when I go back to my house to get my Awesome X gear from that hooker who was living there the last time I... [check blows into his face] ...checked.
Xander: Apparently, it's been here the whole time...SUCKERS!!

The Issues

Carter: Mr. Ford, via satellite. American voters--what do they want?
Mr. Ford: Really, all Americans want is cold beer, warm pussy, and someplace to take a shit with a door on it.

Carter: Immigration--why not have a massive pedestrian overpass to Canada?
[TV shuts off]
Xander: Man, I was gonna do a pedestrian overpass to Canada. I was gonna call it the "Spicspan."

Xander: I need somebody who gets me, and also somebody who's a fighter, Stan. Just a tenacious smashin' bastard.
Stan: Yep.
Xander: He may be a little older...
Stan: Mm-hmmm.
Xander: Maybe a little balder...
Stan: Well...
Xander: But he's still the only player in NFL history to get two safeties in a single game.
Stan: [pause] I'm sorry?
Xander: Yes, Stan--two-time Pro Bowler Fred Dryer!
Stan: You mean, TV's Hunter?
Xander: He was Hunter?!

Killface: If there's a few bucks left over, you know, go get something nice.
[24 hours earlier in a hotel]
Wendell: [into phone] Yeah, hey I'd like a $9,000 prostitute, please. Oh, do you have nine $1,000 ones? Yeah, good, and if you got an albino, send her up too. In 20 minutes, I'm gonna be asleep, so get 'em up here. [Hangs up] Had, like, half a bottle of melatonin, six beers, this whole fucking bucket of chicken--the sandman is comin'.

Killface: Wendell, this is the greatest campaign in the history of the wo--
[Xander's low-flying campaign jet buzzes the bus, blowing out the windows]
Killface: Son of a whore!

Killface: Don't you have any sodding leads?
Wendell: [holding panties] Just these, I guess the assassin must've dropped them.
Val: [whispering, hidden in closet] Damn it!
Wendell: Which... [inhaling deeply from panties] actually might just be a red herring.

Xander: You, Grace, do the roar.
Grace: What?
Xander: Roar like the "Team Jaguar" jaguar. [Grace roars quietly] Damn it, you're an apex predator. [Grace roars louder] Yeah! That's how she sounds when I'm bangin' her.
[Talking head]
Grace: I know, I just...can't stay mad at him. I'm gonna have his babies. [Holds up vial labelled "Xander Crews"]
Camera Man: Is that...?
Grace: Uh-huh.
Camera Man: Shouldn't that be in a freezer?
Grace: Sometimes I like to hold them.

Dottie: We can't afford an airplane.
Killface: Well, maybe if you'd lay off the platinum-infused highballs.

Dottie: You couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.
Wendell: Woman, they had pricing tiers!
Dottie: Oh, go tell it to your albino whores.
Wendell: I...will not even dignify that with a response.
Killface: Yeah, please don't.

Taqu'il: We can win this election.
Killface: How? Giving out free bus rides?
Dottie: Well, who wants to ride in some crappy old bus with no windows? [Baby Lamont happily chirps] Oh, you just like trips.

Killface: [after Simon shoots down Xander's plane] Take that, you bum-snacking Republican!
Taqu'il: Damn it, I thought we were going to campaign on the issues!
Killface: Oh, lighten up.

Grace: If you leave me to burn to death in this plane, we are just finished!
Xander: Well...we'll always have Vegas.
Grace: That wasn't me!
Xander: Well...okay.
[Xander, with Stan on his back, jumps out]
Grace: You bastard! God, still can't stay mad at him! [Jumps out after him]

Stan: Thank you for saving me.
Xander: Hey, don't get all Sophie's Choice, man. You know, think of all the sympathy cooz I'm gonna get. "Oh, where's your girlfriend," "oh, she burned to death," "oh, my god, put your penis in my vagina." I'll be killin' it, man. [Grace catches him, hanging on as they float down] You are like a bad penny.

The Image Problem

Xander: [talking head] So, this is probably on the down-low, [picture of Xander standing over a shot panda] but every year I go on these sorta...well, I guess they're like "grey market safaris."
Interviewer: Is that a panda bear?
Xander: Yep, the most dangerous game.
Interviewer: Man! Man is the most dangerous game.
Xander: Well, tell that to a mommy panda protecting her cubs.
Interviewer: That's disgusting!
Xander: You should see when they skin it.

Killface: You should be out doing this too.
Taqu'il: Two movies: Surviving the Game, Deliverance. Not gonna happen.

Stan: And so now, Mr. Crews will hunt.
Xander: Well, then, put down the bamboo.
Stan: What fucking bamboo?
Xander: You gotta put a big pile of it down, and then the mommy panda comes out and she's all, "gotta find some bamboo for my babies," and you're like [fires shotgun] POW!

Xander: You think they're looking for us?
Killface: Both presidential candidates lost in bog? They must be.
[In Killface's apartment, Dottie and Taqu'il watch a NASCAR race]
Taqu'il: Man, I can't believe this.
Dottie: Well, it's not like we can stay out there all night.
Taqu'il: No, I can't believe I've been missing out on this white-knuckle thrill ride. Lookit, Junior's makin' a move!
Dottie: God love him.
Stan: All right, who's ready for another Tom Collins?
Dottie: See, now he gets me.

Killface: [going towards duck call] Come on, it's that way.
Xander: Dibs on the dark meat...
Killface: Shut up!
Xander: ...she said.
Killface: Turn six!

Killface: It's the international, you know, cry for help in the wilderness, bang bang bang, three quick shots.
Xander: Where'd you hear that?
Killface: It was in...oh, God, what was it? There was this whacking great bear...
Xander: Oh, was it that movie The Bear?
Killface: Shut up, no, it was...
Xander: B.J. and the Bear?
Killface: Tony Hopkins was in it.
Xander: Oh, God, is he great?
Killface: I could watch him read the phone book.
Xander: And pay money to see it.

Killface: Do you want to argue over it until we both die of hypothermia?
Xander: No, but I'm prepared to!
Killface: Fine, we'll do it together.
[Xander chuckles]
Killface: Would you turn six, please?!

Killface: Three quick ones, on
Xander: Wait, why do you get to count?
Killface: God, all right, you count!
Xander: All I'm asking. One...
Killface: Oh, my God!
Xander: Damn it!
Killface: The Edge! Tony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin, Elle Macpherson, black guy from Oz, whacking great bear, The Edge. Why aren't you counting?

Xander: Two...
[Val pops up from marsh with rifle and fires three shots, followed by two off-screen splashes]
Val: Three. [Makes duck call]

The Miracle

Killface: Barnaby, my God, did you see that?
Xander: Yeah, and I'm curious to know where the fuck she got robot pants!

Dottie: ...and, as you know, American voters insist on a Christian president.
Killface: That's me. I'm Christian in spades!
Dottie: But you have to be subtle about it.
Killface: I'm subtle in spades!
Taqu'il: They also don't want you to use the word "spades" all the damn time.

Grace: As a Democrat, don't you support a woman's right to choose?
Killface: You mean her right to be a whore?

Xander: (on headline outing Simon) BOOSH! Dude, we have got to jump on this with both feet.
Stan: Nope.
Xander: I want WebTV, I want Bluetube...
Stan: Nope, we leave this one alone.
Xander: Why?
Stan: Because two words: John Kerry.
Xander: Who?
Stan: Exactly.
Xander: [Beat] ...He some sort of famous gay dude?

The Middle

Wendell: [Wendell is visiting Cody in jail. Cody is wearing makeup, earings and generally looks like he is being forced into doing sexual favors for someone.] So, you think you could move some product in here?
Cody: [sighs] I'll...have to check with Gary.
Wendell: Who the hell's Gary? [long pause as Cody looks down] Ohhh.

Xander: I do have shortlist of four tentative maybes.
Stan: [grabbing list]] Let's see here...
Xander: Okay, Snatch-mo.
Stan: [reading] Roxanne, the Real Roxanne, Roxanne Shanté, and Salman Rushdie.
Xander: Which...I think it's actually "Salmon."

Stan: You're not connected to the Internet!
Xander: The what?

[Fifty minutes after the computer goes down]
Stan: No, what are the last three digits?
Xander: I don't even see the I.P. address.
Stan: It's right up...
Xander: Now I'm thinking of I.P Freely. Now I'm thinking of Ace Frehley. Stan, Ace Frehley...
Stan: Oh, for fuck's sake...
Xander: Put him in on list.
Stan: Why is the damn thing turned off?
Xander: You said shut down.
Stan: Momentarily, a half an hour ago!
Xander: Well, I didn't go to computer academy!
Stan: Oh, shut the fuck up!

Stan: Hahaha! See! It's not Vice President of the United States and Canada!

Killface: [looking at Lamont's homemade "get well soob" card] Damn it, Lamont, what did I say about the macaroni?!

Stan: Give my regards to Hooper.
Xander: [in Awesome X gear]And what's that supposed to mean? You know, I hate it...with your little snotty foreshadowing.

Deceptacle #1: Hooper's in charge now.
Awesome X: How and why is Hooper in charge?!
Deceptacle #1: know, he' a lot of great ideas
Awesome X: It's his tits, isn't it!
Deceptacle #1: Oh, my God, are his tits not insane?
Awesome X: [sighs] They totally are.
Deceptacle #2: Oh, and not just his tits either.
Awesome X and Decepatacle #2: His ass.
Awesome X: It's like a peach, I've seen it.

Deceptacle #3: Sing the song, dude.
Awesome X: There's a song?!
Deceptacle #3: [singing] Deceptacles...
Deceptacles: [joining in] More than you bargained for. [One does a drum solo]
Deceptacle #4: Way to ruin it, "Neil Peart"

Deceptacle #1: Let's hear it for Hooper's titties!

Hooper/Sinn: You, Awesome X, are now my prisoner.
Awesome X: Yeah, well, I got your prisoner right here! [Points guns at her] So, swirl that softly and gently around your erect nipples.
Hooper/Sinn: Deceptacles.
[All Deceptacle point guns at Awesome X]
Awesome X: You know...
Deceptacle: [taking X's guns] I'm just gonna hold these...
Awesome X: That's why I never let y'all have a song.

The Debate, Part One

Dottie: [Dottie's hair is comming off in clumps] How do you expect to win this debate if you're not prepared?
Killface: Well, how do you expect me to prepare with you sloughing off fuzz like a new towel?

Interviewer: There's no record of you ever working for the Department of Labor.
Wendell: Well, duh! I was on loan from the CIA.
Interviewer: Yeah, we contacted them too, and they won't confirm or deny your story.
Wendell: That's the beauty of it--nobody knows if I worked there or not.

Wendell: So, yeah. This is, uh... I'm undercover.
Killface: Undercover for what?
Dottie: Uh, aiy... Wendell's volunteered to look into some new fundraising avenues.
Wendell: Yeeeep! Commence Operation: Meth Nazi!
Killface: Operation WHAT?
[Wendell drives off on moped, crashing into glass]
Killface: Wendell!
Wendell: Oi!
Killface: I...don't have a great feeling about this.
Dottie: Oh, grow up. Do you know how many American politicians are funded by the Neo-Nazis?
Killface: Wh...shut up.
Dottie: My God, there's Congressman [bleep], and Senator [bleep], not to mention Vice-[bleep] [bleep].
[Cut to talking head]
Killface: Going to bleep those, I hope.

Interviewer: So you and Ronnie... A little history?
Xander Crews: A little bit, yeah... [Flashback to Ronnie preparing to rape Xander in season 1] Which... Not what I call making love. I'd call it "The Shame-spear... of... hurt".

Awesome X: We need to go warn Killface.
Ronnie: But why to help not only mortal enemy, but also political opponent?
Awesome X: Not that it's any of your business, but...I have no plausible explanation.

Killface: How about this: vote for me, or I push this dung heap of a planet smack into the sun!
Dottie: Look, I worked hard on those, and since the Annihilatrix couldn't push me to the store, I'd appreciate it if you'd focus on the damn talking p--!
[Killface shoots her in the head]
Killface: Oh, that reminds me--should fix the Annihilatrix.

Awesome X: [flying through air with Ronnie on his back] Quit grinding your fucking dick on me!
Ronnie: I cannot find comfort.
Awesome X: How about finding Killface's house?
Ronnie: Okay, but first, guess what.
Awesome X: What?
Ronnie: I feel like hobbit...on eagle.
Awesome X: Well, that's great, Ronnie...
Ronnie: Oh, Bilbo Baggins.
Awesome X: [fuel gauge on wrist reads empty] ...because now you guess what. [Both plummet to ground]

Wendell: This must be the right place then, 'cause I am lookin' at two right now. Ah-ooga, I'm kidding. Did you guys bring the stuff?
Awesome X: Stuff...
Wendell: Wait a minute, Gary sent you guys, right?
Awesome X: Oh, Gary! [nudging Ronnie]
Ronnie: Gary, you mean G-Money. We know that guy. Sent us here.
Awesome X: To you, from...somewhere else.
Wendell: Well then...[revving scooter] get on the scooter!

The Debate, Part Two

Xander: I can't go to a presidential debate dressed like this.
Wendell: Ya, you kinda look like a boob
Xander: You have boobs. Snap.
Ronnie: Baby's lunch bag.
Wendell: Yum yum yum yum yum
Ronnie: Eat that lunch baby

Xander: I should have a tuxedo there. [Cut to Xander in front of mansion, wearing tuxedo t-shirt] ...or this poly-cotton suckfest!

Clerk: You wanna watch while I call the police?
Wendell: No, wait, I got some money down here in my sock.
Xander: See, he's got sock money.
Wendell: But...
Ronnie: [with ice cream] Here, you lick...with tongue.
Wendell: [with Awesome X mask and gun] You got change for a .38?! [Shoots clerk five times]
Xander: What the fuck, Wendell?!
Wendell: Wendell X.

Decepticle: I saw the big pants first. The gold doubloon is mine.

Xander: [last words to Ronnie] Stay gold, Pony Boy.

Grace: [whispering] Psst, Xander.
Killface: Wave to Newslady. [Lamont waves and chirps]
Grace: Hey, you.

Antagone: Come, my chitinous friend. Your mistress summons you from the briny deep.
Watley: Ka-Kow!

Carter: First question, both candidates--Article Two of the Constitution.
Xander: The what?
Killface: Um... [Lamont quacks]
Xander: Why does he get a spirit animal? I think my buzzer's broken!
Killface: Is that the one about tariffs?
Carter: No, it's the one that says you have to be at least 35 years old and a US citizen in order to be President.
Killface: Well, that can't be right. I'm not even a legal resident.
Xander: And I'm only 33.
Carter: So, follow-up--why are you idiots wasting everybody's time when you can't even be elected?

Interviewer: And they are good looking slacks. Are they stain resistant?
Killface: Well, I certianly hope so.
Interviewer: And why's that?
Killface: [shoots Interviewer] ...Because my bird is dead. And now I really shall destroy this VILE PLANET! [Shoots camera]

A Take on Hooper

Hooper/Sinn: Greetings, America. (removes helmet) I. . .am. . .Sinn. (Deceptacles gasp in surprise, along with Killface, who is watching from home) And I, with my lover, the Dread Lobster...
Watley: Hi!
Sinn: And my sisters in chaos, Valerie and the supervillainess Antagone--
(Valerie growls and Antagone steps over with a cackle)
Sinn: Who is soon to give birth to what I can only assume will be a giant, hideous ant-baby unwittingly sired by crippled billionaire tycoon Xander Crews--
Xander: (watching in office) God...damn it.
Sinn: Now control the Annihilatrix, and your new President, in office thanks only to a corrupt Supreme Court...
Taqu'il: (watching from the Oval Office) And more specifically, Stephen Breyer. Boosh! (Makes toast with Stan)
Stan: And/or ka-kow!
Sinn: Is powerless to stop me, for backed by the might of the Annihilatrix, the Sisterhood of Chaos now rules the world! And now, back to the Haggar Pants 500.
(Network turns back to stock car race)
Killface: How can she afford a media buy? (Simon mumbles) Still...

Deceptacle #1: All this time we thought you were this super cool dude Hooper, who just happened to have great tits!
Deceptacle #2: When really, you're some other dude who just happens to have great tits!

Doctor: So listen. I can't give you an okay to...
Xander: Stand those pants up.
Doctor: ...go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.
Xander: Well, not with that attitude!
Doctor: Remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential Debate (Turns on X-ray of Xander's spine)
Xander: Uh, vaguely, yeah.
Doctor: Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae, so... you ever see Hooper?
Xander: Yeah, that robot with the big tits!
Doctor: No, but that sounds awesome.
Xander: It is!
Doctor: I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stuntman.
Xander: That sounds awesome.
Doctor: It is. Anyway, one more impact to the neck, and you'll be paralyzed.
Xander: My third-greatest fear!
Doctor: Same basic plot as in the movie.
Xander: God, that sounds awesome.
Doctor: It is.
Xander: But who's gonna stop Hooper?
Doctor: Well, it's already out on DVD.
Xander: No, I mean the robot with the big tits.
Doctor: Really sounds awesome.
Xander: It is.
Doctor: Anyway...
(Wendell, dressed in Awesome X top, delivers a flying kick to the Doctor)
Wendell: I actually have some thoughts on that.
Doctor: Oh my God, now my neck's broken!

Wendell: What! How could you even say that? I'm a freakin' force of nature here. Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew--
Xander: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ::crash::
Wendell: Oh...I'll get you a new lamp.
Xander: Yeah, that was actually a sconce.
Wendell: Still though...
Xander: Yeah, it's just...I kind of spent a lot of time developing the Awesome X brand.
Wendell: Totally, yeah and it's understandable, you know, you're protective of it.
Xander: And I hate for you to go up there and...
Wendell: I get it.
Xander: ...get your fat ass handed to you.
Wendell: Wow.
Xander: Yeah.
Wendell: You just a...went ahead and put it out there.
Xander: Well...
Wendell: Muffin Top X!
Xander: Well...
Wendell: Just so you know, this armor does not protect my feelings.
Xander: Ok, you know what? Yeah, do it.
Wendell: Really?
Xander: Yeah, because either your dumb ass dies or you somehow manage to kill the unspeakable horror about to spew forth from my x-girlfriend's womb.
Wendell: Um...
Xander: Cause ah, you know, big picture, child support...
Wendell: You gonna...
Xander: I'm not saying perform an abortion...
Wendell: Oh my god...
Xander: But, let's see if you can't stab that thing while it's still in her belly.
Wendell: Could maybe stab her in the belly if I had a machete.
Xander: Well...your words.

Killface: I want to meet this hobbit of yours--Bobo T. Baggins. Oh my God, I just got that! I think I'm gonna throw up!

(Antagone is gloating about her soon to be born "chitinous spawn")
Sinn: You know, i'm REALLY starting to re-think this whole "Sisterhood of Chaos" thing...
Val: What?
Sinn: Oh, not you!
Val: Yeah, cause i'm totally charming!
Sinn: TOTALLY! (Antagone cackles again) Her, though...
Val: She's worse than Dane Cook.

Wendell Goes Undercover Again

<baby kicks in Antagone's womb>
Deceptatacle #1: Whoa! Oh my god, that is adorable!
Antagone: He's really getting worked up!
Deceptatacle #2: Oh yeah, definitely some activity down here.
Antagone: Can you see him, is he crowning?
Deceptatacle #2: I don't know or care what that means.
Antagone: He's gonna come soon, I can feel it!
Deceptatacle #2: You can feel that?

Xander: mmm, yeah I'm gonna pass... on that... because it is retarded! Wendall!
Wendall: Yes?
Xander: Go kill that baby, buddy.
Scientist: Now there's a movie I haven't seen.
Xander: uhh Vera Drake?
Scientist: Didn't see it.
Xander: It's... for an abortion movie? Pretty funny.
Scientist: Let's rent it.
Xander: Done! All abort! Toot toot!

Cody Gains a Namesake

Killface: Son of a filthy, fat-titted whore! (Simon mumbles) Oh, piss on the swear jar!

Deceptacle #1: Who the hell was that?
Deceptacle #2: That's Steve, from machete squad.
Deceptacle #3: We have a machete squad?
Deceptacle #2: Yeah, that guy Steve's on it.

Deceptacle #1: All right, let me get this straight. You're saying that Steve guy and the crab-man killed Sinn.
Val: Yeah, then put me in her armor to make it look like I did it...
Deceptacle #2: Damn, that Steve's crafty.
Val: ...then took off with the bug-lady to give birth in a secret location.
Deceptacle #1: They're probably starting an ant-baby machete-squad splinter group! (All Decepticles gasp)
Val: Steve mentioned that.

Wendell: I just killed a man for her; she don't even know my name. High school all over again.

Doctor: I can't believe you paid your daughter a million dollars never to contact you again.
Xander: Hey, she's no angel. She signed the contract too.
Doctor: were a huge dick.

Wendell: Big push, big push! Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop!
Antagone: What?!
Wendell: I'm gonna throw up. (Hovers to bathroom)
Antagone: Get back here!
Wendell: (in bathroom, having vomited) Do you have any Scope?
Antagone: Get your fat ass back here!

Killface: What are you doing here?
Xander: Well, I'm not here to buy douchebags, so it doesn't really concern you.

Wendell: You ever taken a dump and you throw up on your dick? (Sees the baby has eaten part of Antagone) Bad Cody II!
Wendell: (taking off his belt) We are about to establish some boundaries.

Val: (seeing Wendell and Cody II escaping) Now what do we do?!
Deceptacle: Well, for starters, we're gonna need a bigger onesie.
Cliff: Like, fifty times I said that.

Differences Are Put Slightly Aside

Killface: All right, robots, make 'em clatter. (Deceptacles do nothing) Means drop your weapons.

Val: Well, now what do we do?
Deceptacle: I don't know about you guys, but I'm not just gonna sit here while 600 pounds of crab meat goes bad!

Killface: What on earth are you wearing?
Xander: It's a halo, idiot! Not grab bars.
Killface: Are those underoos?
Xander: I'm Awesome X!
Killface: Oh...
Xander: Ta-da.
Killface: I don't...know if I ever knew that. (Simon mumbles) Oh, you don't even know if you're gay or not.
Xander: Snip-snap.
Killface: Snip-snap, indeed.

Stan: What about the World Court?
Taqu'il: C'mon, man, the Hague is a fucking joke.
Stan: Good point.

Xander: No wonder he loves cock...ney accents! (hums the opening bars of "Rule, Britannia!")

Deceptacle #1: Aw yeah, get 'em in there! (Kicks barrel of mini-cobs into pool) Can't have a clambake without corn.
Deceptacle #2: Can we have one without clams?
Deceptacle #1: Okay, uh...this is now Lowcountry boil.
Deceptacle #2: Yeah, I still think that has clams.
Deceptacle #1: Well, I'm sorry the prison food truck didn't have a fresh load of quahogs, but let's still give it up to Curtis for lettin' us hijack it!

Taqu'il: Man, this launch panel is just a breeder reactor wired to the ignition of a '98 Celica. Stan, I can hot-wire this.
Stan: Um, we may have a larger problem. (Killface and Xander are holding him at gunpoint)
Killface: Yes, I'm afraid you do.

Wendell: Cody II is down!

Killface: Mother!
Lady Mom: Evelyn!
Xander: Evelyn?!
Killface: It's a man's name!

Lady Mom: Why haven't you destroyed this planet?
Killface: Well, uh, you see...
Lady Mom: (gasps) And where are your clothes?!
Killface: Welp... Funny story.
Ninja John: I RAPED HIM!... Secretly!
Lady Mom: And you are?
Ninja John: Don't ask questions, just run!
Lady Mom: What?
Ninja John: I'm going to rape you too! (Ninja John unzips his pants, and prepare to charge)

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