Galaxy Quest

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Galaxy Quest is a 1999 film: a parody of Star Trek and the cult following and conventions it has spawned. The movie is about the washed-up stars of a fictional 1978–1982 TV series called Galaxy Quest and an alien race (the Thermians) who, having no concept of fiction, believe it to be a "historical document". The Thermians have modelled every aspect of their society on the show, including building a fully functional replica of the show's ship, the NSEA Protector. The actors subsequently join the crew of the real Protector (with the Thermians under the impression that the actors are their characters) to try and stop General Sarris, a villain who threatens to destroy the Thermians.

Directed by Dean Parisot. Screenplay by David Howard and Robert Gordon.
"Never give up, never surrender!" Taglines

Jason Nesmith (Commander Peter Quincy Taggart)

  • It's a rock! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
  • Never give up, never surrender!
  • Whoo! Your commander... is on deck.
  • There is no quantum flux, there's no auxiliary, there's no goddamned SHIP! You got it?
  • As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up... and never surrender.
  • Guys, I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed up like aliens? They were aliens! They were Termites, or-or Dalmatians... I can't really remember 'cause I was hung over. But what they built was extraordinary!
  • Guys, digitize me! DIGITIZE ME!
  • Maybe I should put some pants on.

Sir Alexander Dane (Dr. Lazarus)

  • By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.
  • You broke the ship, you broke the bloody ship!
  • Ludicrous! Why are you listening to this fellow? May I remind you, he's wearing a costume, not a uniform! He's no more qualified to lead us than this fellow. [to Guy] No offense.
  • Oh, RIGHT! Of course! It's always about you, isn't it?!
  • See you've managed to get your shirt off.
  • [dead-pan] By Grabthar's Hammer ... What a savings.
  • You see, this is your problem Jason. You were never serious about the craft.
  • [after punching Jason] That was 'scene-stealing hack', thank you very much!

Gwen DeMarco (Lt. Tawny Madison)

  • My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs, and how they fit in my suit!
  • We are actors, not astronauts.
  • Look, I have one job on this lousy ship! It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it, okay?
  • I remember that sound. That's a bad sound!
  • Self-control? That's funny, coming from a man who slept with every Turathian slave-girl and Moon Princess on the show.
  • Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!
  • Ducts! Why is it always ducts?
  • [turning a corner to see the Chompers] Well, screw that!
  • [when told she needs to go through the Chompers] What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!
  • [after being told the Chompers were in the show] Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!
  • [after passing through the Chompers] Whoever wrote this episode should die!

Fred Kwan (Tech Sgt. Chen)

  • I think we should have just taken the gig. I mean, who knows the next time he'll ask us?
  • [after being transported through space, a process terrifying to the other travelers] Hmm. That was a hell of a thing. [indicates the others] What's wrong with them?
  • Wow. The floors are so clean.
  • Hi, guys. Listen, they're telling me the, uh, the generators can't take it. The ship's breaking up and all that. Just F.Y.I.
  • That was right again, guys. Great job! Come on, group hug.
  • [watching the rock monster decimate the enemy soldiers] It's the simple things in life that you treasure.

Guy Fleegman

  • You probably don't remember me, do you? It's the sunglasses, right? I was on the show in '82. Episode 81. I was Crewman Number Six. I got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial.
  • I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man!
  • [Tech Sargent Chen opens the shuttle's hatch] Wait! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air? You don't know! [holds his breath]
  • Something bad happened here.
  • [After the little aliens turn on the little wounded one, all turn to run] I'm so sick of being right!
  • [As the crew is rolling the Beryllium Sphere] Oh God, I knew it, I knew it! This one's gonna kill me!
  • [As Guy jumps into the shuttle pod over the Brillium sphere] I got it! [As the pod is about to leave from the alien planet, leaving Commander Taggert behind] I'm on.....Go, leave him!
  • Did you guys ever watch the show?
  • We're... we're doing Episode... 81? I died in Episode 81!
  • I wanted to go down to the planet because I figured the ship would get attacked and I would die. But now I'm thinking I get left behind when you guys go back and die down there!
  • [After Guy arrives at the alien ship and is greeted by the aliens who have forgotten to turn on their 'appearance generators'] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
  • Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
  • [Looking at a radar display on the ship] Uhh, guys, the, uh, red thingy is coming toward the green thingy... and I think we're the green thingy!
  • [Witnessing Fred Kwan having sex with Laliari] Oh, that's not right!

General Sarris

  • Here are my demands - and if I do not hear what I like, there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine!
  • At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination!
  • You have all done far more damage than I ever could. Bravo! This is a moment I will treasure. Explain to him who you all really are.
  • How adorable! The actors are going to play war with me!
  • Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander!
  • Explain, as you would a child.
  • When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die!

Others

  • Mathesar: Comm-mmander, we are Thermians from the Klaatu Nebula. We-ee need your help!
  • Mathesar: We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich has become a favorite among the adventurous.
  • Tommy Webber: You know, with all that makeup, I actually thought you were smart for a second.
  • Tommy Webber: Pedal to the metal, commander!
  • Convention MC: Lt. Laredo, Tommy Webber! The beautiful Tawny Madison, Gwen DeMarco! [about Guy] It's... another crew member! Yeah, the more the merrier! Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan and a friend! It's Dr. Lazarus, Alexander Dane! Give it up for him, he's British! Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, Jason Nesmith!
  • Brandon Wheegan: You wanna take a left and then just straight on through the chompers.
  • Announcer: And now, back after 18 years: the New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.

Dialogue

Sir Alexander Dane: How did I come to this?
Tommy Webber: [rolling his eyes] Not again.
Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard the Third!
Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls.
Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it! Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time. I can't and I won't!
Gwen DeMarco: Well, Alex, at least you had a part, okay? You had a character people loved. My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit! Nobody even bothered to ask what I do on the show!
Fred Kwan: You had the... wait, I'll think of it...
Gwen DeMarco: [annoyed] I repeated the computer, Fred.

Jason Nesmith: You will go out there!
Sir Alexander Dane: I won't. And nothing you can say will make me.
Jason Nesmith: "The show must go on."
Sir Alexander Dane: [hesitates, starts to speak, hesitates again] Damn you. Damn you! I won't say that stupid line one more time!

Jason Nesmith: [in the limousine with the aliens, speaking to female alien] How ya doin'?
Teb: In the 5 million years following the great nebular burst our people were one peop...[trails off]
Jason Nesmith: [To Laliari] What's your name? [To others] Doesn't she talk?
Teb: Her Translator is broken.
Laliari: [speaks briefly in untranslated Thermian]
Jason Nesmith: Okey dokey.

[Gwen watches Jason interact with fans at the convention.]
Gwen DeMarco: You've got to admit, they really do love him.
Tommy Webber: Yeah — almost as much as he loves himself.

Gwen DeMarco: [unenthusiastically] Take it from us. We've been all over the universe.
Fred Kwan: But we've never never seen space-age values like the ones here at...
Tommy Webber: ...Tech Value Electronics Superstore!
[After a long pause, Gwen nudges Alexander with her elbow.]
Sir Alexander Dane: [miserably] By Grabthar's hammer... what a savings.

Jason Nesmith: Gwen-Gwen-Gwen, stop! You know me, and I'm a lot of things, but am I crazy?
Gwen DeMarco: You know, it's one thing to treat us this way. It's another thing to do it to your fans.
Jason Nesmith: She's not a fan! This is a — this is a Termite!

Gwen DeMarco: You... know us?
[The Thermians laugh]
Mathesar: I don't believe there is a man, woman, or child on my planet who does not. In the years since we first received transmission of your historical documents, we have studied every facet of your missions and strategies.
Tommy Webber: You've been watching the show —
Jason Nesmith: Lieutenant! Historical documents.
Tommy Webber: The... historical documents... from out here?
Mathesar: Yes. In the past hundred years our society had fallen into disarray. Our goals, our values had become scattered. But since the transmission we have modelled every aspect of our society from your example, and it has... saved us. Your courage and teamwork and friendship through adversity. In fact, all you see around you has been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.

Gwen DeMarco: We are not the people you think we are.
Mathesar: I don't understand.
Sir Alexander Dane: Don't you make any TV shows on your planet? Any theater, films?
Mathesar: The historical documents of your culture, yes. In fact, we have begun to document our own history from your example.
Gwen DeMarco: No, not historical documents. They're not all historical documents. I mean, surely you don't think Gilligan's Island is a —
[The Thermians' faces fall.]
Mathesar: Those poor people...

Former Thermian commander: I have told you all I know. If there is any mercy in you at all, please... let me die.
General Sarris: When I grow weary of the noises you make, then you shall die!

Jason Nesmith: Okay, Gwen, put me back on with him.
Gwen DeMarco: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jason. You are back with him.
General Sarris: Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, commander!
Jason Nesmith: [to Gwen] I gave you the "kill" gesture.
Gwen DeMarco: No, you gave me the "we're dead" sign. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the "hold" button is.
Guy Fleegman: [looking at sensor display] Hey, guys? Th-there's a red thingy... moving toward the green thingy.
Jason Nesmith: What?
Guy Fleegman: Red thingy. Moving toward the green thingy. I think... we're the green thingy.

[Tommy is trying to steer the ship through a minefield.]
Sir Alexander Dane: Could you possibly try not to hit every single one?!!
Tommy Webber: Hey, I'm trying! But they're moving toward us! I think they're magnetic or something.

[The actors are flying a shuttle to an alien planet]
Guy Fleegman: [whimpering] I changed my mind, I wanna go back.
Sir Alexander Dane: After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith: You're not going to die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason Nesmith: It's, um... um, um... I don't know.
Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name... because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman: [hysterical]: Do I?! DO I?! For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"! [puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries] Mommy! Mommee!!
Sir Alexander Dane: [gratingly sarcastic] Are we there yet?
[Fred Kwan is enthusiastically eating crackers and cheese]

[The shuttle has landed and the hatch is being opened by Fred.]
Guy Fleegman: [frantically] DON'T OPEN THAT! It's an alien planet! Is there AIR?! You don't know! (begins holding his breath)
Fred Kwan: [calmly sniffs the air, takes a couple panting breaths] Seems OK.

Gwen DeMarco: Look at that. Look. They look like little children.
Sir Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners?
Fred Kwan: Sure. I mean, they're like three years old.
Sir Alexander Dane: [looks at Fred] Miners, not minors!
Fred Kwan: You lost me.
Guy Fleegman: I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
Gwen DeMarco: Oh, they are so cute!
Guy Fleegman: Sure, they're cute now. But in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them.

[After seeing a group of small, blue creatures with razor sharp teeth, Jason, Gwen and Alexander go to get the Beryllium Sphere while Guy and Tommy keep a lookout.]
Tommy Webber: We'll need a signal. I'll cup my hands like this and go "Caw! Caw!"
Jason Nesmith: What are you, an infant?! We have these! [shows Tommy his communicator]
Tommy Webber: [brief pause] Oh, right.

[Fred has tested the "digital conveyor" teleportation device on a pig-lizard that was chasing Jason Nesmith, but the pig-lizard has been horribly mutilated by the process.]
Jason Nesmith: [over the comm] What was that?
Sir Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing.
Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealing or something.
Gwen DeMarco: No, everything is fine.
Teb: [cheerfully] But the animal is inside out. [Gwen quickly tries to cover Teb's mouth]
Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It got turned inside out?
[The pig-lizard bursts, spattering the area with gore. Some of it lands on Teb.]
Teb: [unfazed] And it exploded.
Jason Nesmith: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then exploded?!
Gwen DeMarco: [distressed] Um... hold, please.

[Jason is being menaced by a huge monster made of rocks.]
Tommy Webber: Jason, go for its eyes!
Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have any eyes!
Tommy Webber: Well, then go for the throat or something. Its vulnerable spots!
Jason Nesmith: It's a ROCK! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
Guy Fleegman: I know! You'll need to make a weapon. Look around you — can you construct some sort of rudimentary lathe?
Jason Nesmith: A LATHE? Get off the line, Guy! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me.
Sir Alexander Dane: Jason, you're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster! It doesn't HAVE any motivation!
Sir Alexander Dane: That was always your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.

[After Jason returns to the ship]
Jason Nesmith: Did you get the beryllium sphere installed?
Teb: [cheerfully] Yes, commander. The ship is completely operational.
Jason Nesmith: Perfect! Then you guys can drop us off and be back home before supper.
Teb: Oh, no, sir. We have no reason to go back.
Jason Nesmith: [not catching on] Of course you do! Family, friends, come on!
Teb: We are all that is left.

[After Sarris tortures Mathesar and orders a tear harness for Gwen]
Jason Nesmith: I'm not the commander!
General Sarris: What did you say?
Jason Nesmith: [getting up, in pain] I said I'm not the commander. Leave them alone. There's no reason to hurt them. They don't know anything.
General Sarris: Explain.
Jason Nesmith: Gwen, show him the historical documents.
Gwen DeMarco: Computer, show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions.
[A monitor activates nearby, showing the introduction to the TV show, including introducing the characters.]
General Sarris: [begins to laugh] Wonderful. [turns back to the captives] You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have. Bravo! [chuckles again] Bravo! This is a moment I will treasure. [to Jason's crew] Explain to him who you all really are.

[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar that he is an actor on a TV series.]
Jason Nesmith: Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.
General Sarris: He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child.
Jason Nesmith: We, uh, we pretended. [on Mathesar's blank look] We lied.
[Mathesar looks shocked]
General Sarris: Yes, you understand that, don't you?
Jason Nesmith: I'm not a commander. There's no National Space Exploration Administration. We don't have a ship.
Mathesar: [looking at the TV screen] But there it is...
Jason Nesmith: [measures about two inches using his fingers] The ship is that big.
Mathesar: But inside, I see many rooms.
Jason Nesmith: You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is... is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is... it's Christmas tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me.
Mathesar: But why...?
Jason Nesmith: It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... we pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.

Fred Kwan: We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.
Guy Fleegman: Listen... I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this. [he brandishes an oversize alien gun] I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.
Fred Kwan: That's suicide!
Guy Fleegman: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
Fred Kwan: Guy — Guy, maybe you're the plucky comedy relief. You ever think about that?
Guy Fleegman: Plucky?
Fred Kwan: Besides. [goofy laugh] I just had this really interesting idea...Yeah let's go.
Guy Fleegman: Are you stoned?

Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? There's no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!
Jason Nesmith: Gwen —
Gwen DeMarco: No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?!
Jason Nesmith: Because it's on the television show.
Gwen DeMarco: Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was BADLY WRITTEN!

[Quillek, the Thermian who lived in imitation of Dr. Lazarus, has just been shot by Sarris' troops.]
Sir Alexander Dane: Quillek, it wasn't too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters. You'll be fine.
Quillek: It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. I have been blessed. I,I...
Sir Alexander Dane: Don't speak, Quillek.
Quillek: You'll forgive my impertinence sir, but... even though we had never before met, I always considered you... as a father to me.
Sir Alexander Dane: [with feeling] Quillek... by Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.

[The Protector is on a collision course with Sarris' ship.]
General Sarris: Let me remind you, sonny, I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake!
Jason Nesmith: Well, let me tell you something, Sarris. It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!
Gwen DeMarco: Armor almost gone, Jason.
General Sarris: You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!
Jason Nesmith: And what you fail to realize is that MY ship is dragging mines!
[The Protector turns at the last minute, sending the magnetic mines which have been chasing it colliding into Sarris' ship, destroying it on impact]

Tommy Webber: Set a course for home, commander?
Jason Nesmith: Can you do that?
Tommy Webber: Oh, yeah, it's just point-and-click. Oh — but we gotta go through the black hole, though.
[No-one is fazed by this.]

Brandon's mom: Where are you going with those fireworks?
Brandon Wheegan: Well the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole and just, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach fifteen, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.
Brandon's mom: [stares at Brandon incomprehensively] Uh, alright. Dinner's at seven.
[Brandon leaves and his mom looks at his dad]
Brandon's mom: Well, he's outside.

Brandon Wheegan: I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.
Jason Nesmith: It's okay, now listen--
Brandon Wheegan: But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. I know there's no beryllium sphere...
Jason Nesmith: Hold it.
Brandon Wheegan: ...no digital conveyor, no ship...
Jason Nesmith: Stop for a second, stop. It's all real.
Brandon Wheegan: Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

[After the Protector is damaged by its trip through the mine field]
Jason Nesmith: Where are you going?
Sir Alexander Dane: To see if there's a pub!

Computer voice: Enemy is matching velocity.
Gwen DeMarco: The enemy is matching velocity.
Sir Alexander Dane: We heard it the first time.
Gwen DeMarco: Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer!

Lathe: General, I’ve lost them. The magnetism of the mine field is disrupting our instruments. Wait! I see something. [Pointing] Yes, yes! There they are.
Sarris: Get back on their tail.
Lathe: I can’t, sir.
Sarris: What? Why not?
Lathe: Because they’re coming right at us!

Taglines

  • Never give up, never surrender!
  • The show has been cancelled... but the adventure is just beginning.
  • A comedy of galactic proportions.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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