George Carlin

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Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
Erich Fromm
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

George Dennis Carlin (May 12, 1937June 22, 2008) was a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor and author, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on language, psychology and religion along with many other taboo subjects.


Toledo Window Box (1974)

  • The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.
    • "Nursery Rhymes"
  • Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.
    • "Nursery Rhymes"

A Place for My Stuff (1981)

  • I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
    • "Interview With Jesus"
  • Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
    • "Interview With Jesus"
  • Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.
    • "Abortion"
  • "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass".
    • "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"
  • And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
    • "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"

Carlin on Campus (1984)

  • So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
    • "Prayer"
  • Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

  • I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.
  • And Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by three separate Special Prosecutors, and there's a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. Three separate Special Prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the Attorney General. And the Attorney General is the nation's leading law enforcement officer!
  • They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
  • People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip". Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner". Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies". A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.
  • A lot of people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [clicks his tongue] just like that!
  • Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past. How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!
  • They're gonna get goverment off your back, but they're gonna tell you how to live your sex life. And let me ask you this, how would they know anything about that? Have you ever looked at any of these people? No wonder they're afraid of their bodies, just look at them. Don't you find it mildly ironic that most people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place?

Jammin' in New York (1992)

  • I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
    • "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf"
  • You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em showing up at those jobs.
    • "Little Things We Share"
  • That's another complaint of mine - too much use of this prefix "pre". It's all over the language now - "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. It's ridiculous! There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! It's like "pre-recorded" - "This program was pre-recorded." Well, of course it was pre-recorded! When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? "Pre-existing", "pre-planning", "pre-screening" - you know what I tell these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about...
    • "Airline Announcements"
  • About this time, somebody is telling you to get on the plane. "Get on the plane, get on the plane." I say, "Fuck you, I'm getting in the plane! In the plane! Let Evel Knievel get on the plane - I'll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less wind in here!"
    • "Airline Announcements"
  • "In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure..." Roof flies off! " oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally." Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600-mile-an-hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also shit normally - right in my pants!
    • "Airline Announcements"

Back in Town (1996)

  • Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. [brief pause] See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people.
    • "Abortion"
  • Catholic – which I was, until I reached the age of reason.
    • "Abortion"
  • Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the god question. Do you believe in God? No. Boom! Dead. Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in my God? No. Boom! Dead. My god has a bigger dick than your god!
    • "Sanctity of Life"
  • I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.
    • "State Prison Farms"
  • People who make quote marks in the air with their fingers: Are you tired of these people yet? "He said he was 'sober'." Hey lady, "eat me"!
    • "Free-Floating Hostility"
  • "Bad hair day": Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work, you shallow cunt! It's a good thing Lewis & Clark never had a bad hair day. Or Daniel Boone, huh? Custer? He had a really bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed criminal fuck...
    • "Free-Floating Hostility"
  • What about these guys that tell you, "I heard that!" "I heard that!" Oh ya did, did ya? Well, isn't this exciting. What is this, a fucking hearing test? Did I wander into a Beltone commercial here? 'Course you heard it, you fucking nimrod; I'm standing right next to ya! I'm gonna move down here! I'm gonna move a little farther away! Blow me! By any chance did ya hear that?
    • "Free-Floating Hostility"
  • Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it's an actual event: I don't give a shit! If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday I'd have memorized it years ago! And I'd send him a card: "Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday. Love, George." I don't do that! Why? Don't give a shit! Fuck Mickey Mouse. Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick! Then break it off and beat him with the rest of it! I hope Mickey dies. I do, I hope he goddamn dies. I hope he gets ahold of some tainted cheese... and dies, lonely and forgotten behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy's pants. Mickey Mouse - no wonder no one in the world takes our country seriously; we waste valuable television time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!
    • "Free-Floating Hostility"

You Are All Diseased (1999)

  • I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
    • "Airport Security"
  • No matter what color you are, "You go, girl" should probably go! Right along with "You the man!"
    • "Minority Language: A-Happens To Be; B-Openly; C-Urban; D-Girlfriend"
  • "Happens to be." "He happens to be black." Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. Did they fuck? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just "happened" to be Scandinavian!
    • "Minority Language"
  • No one is "openly" black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just "happens to be" black.
    • "Minority Language"
  • We were tempered in raw shit!
  • Whoever coined the term "Let the Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
  • What is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Three out of four people now, believe in angels. What're you, fucking stupid? Has everybody lost their fucking minds in this country? Angels, shit. You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive collective psychotic chemical flashback of all the drugs – all the drugs – smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of adulterated street drugs'll get you some fucking angels, my friend.
    • "Angels"
  • Angels, shit. What about goblins? What about goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? You never hear about them except on Halloween, and it's always negative shit too, you know. And zombies. Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies, they're unreliable. I say if you're gonna buy the angel shit, you might go with the zombie package as well.
    • "Angels"
  • Now here's another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news, every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a schoolyard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counselors and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic. 35 classmates minus 4 equals 31. We were tough. We were tough.
    • "Kids And Parents"
  • Here's another bunch of ignorant shit: school uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna make them look alike too? And it's not a new idea. I first saw it in news reels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand 'cause the narration was in German!
    • "Kids and Parents"
  • Religion has actually convinced people … that there's an invisible man … living in the sky … who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, 'til the end of time! … But he loves you! … He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, all-wise, but somehow – just can't handle money!
    • "There Is No God"
  • I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that: overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning. Several reasons: first of all, I can see the sun, okay? Yeah, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something – I don't know, kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So every day I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need: heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake – an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word; treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. … You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.
  • I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking, "Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes, he is! He's going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.
    • "Kids and Parents"
  • There's a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times!
    • "Airport Security"
  • So why is it they allow a guy with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? I'll tell you why: they know he's not a security risk, because he's already answered the three big questions. Question number one: "Did you pack your bags yourself?" No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way Around-The-World, and then they packed my bags. Next question. "Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?" No. Usually the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck. Next question. "Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?" Hmm … well, what exactly is an "unknown person"? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.
    • "Airport Security"
  • Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.
    • "TV Tonight"
  • Names are an interest of mine. Not a hobby; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
    • "Names"
  • Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant: The Mouthful. Oh come on, that's clever shit! That's a double pun, God damn it; you didn't think of it! Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. No. Just go in, have a cocktail. Or a Highball.
    • "Names"
  • White people have no business playing the blues ever, at all, under any circumstances. What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? "Banana Republic ran out of khakis"? "The espresso machine is jammed"? "Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?" White people ought to understand it's their job to GIVE people the blues, not to get them. And certainly not to sing or play them. I'll give you a little hint about the blues, folks: it's not enough to know which notes to play; you need to know why they need to be played.
    • "House of Blues"

The Little David Years (1971–1977) (1999)

  • Would someone just put a dick in that guy's mouth please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, if you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way or you're just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting. 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you in the fucking street where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! … You know? See … You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.
    • "How to Handle a Heckler"

Complaints and Grievances (2001)

  • There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let's get started with a couple of them.
  • Not me, bullshit, fuck you, up yours, get laid, eat shit, drop dead, jack me off, suck this, I don't need parts that badly, I'm not that sick!
  • I don't feel like watching "Raymond Blows the Milkman,"... I think I'll clip my fuckin' toenails!
  • Then there are all those people in the space program. Nas-holes, I call them.
    • "NASA Thoughts"
  • If I should be out driving around looking for a little fun and I see an accident, one that I am not involved in, I stop immediately! Well, I want to get a good look at what's going on. I'm never too busy that I can't stop to enjoy someone else's suffering.
  • Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
    • "Parents of Honor Students"
  • Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion. These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince … what a crock of shit, get a fucking last name, would you, please? I have a two word name for you: Pretentious Cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting … it's not bad enough the music sucks, but with no last name, you can't find out where they live to throw a fucking bomb through their window.
    • "Singers With One Name"
  • Here are some more men who oughta be strapped to a gurney and castrated with fishing knives. White guys who shave their heads completely bald. They're so ashamed they lost eleven hairs, they try to turn it to some kind of a masculine statement. I say hey, you goofy-lookin' baldy-headed fuck! Looks good on black guys, on you it's ugly, repulsive and disgusting. You wanna be bald? Do what I did – wait a while. In the meantime there's no excuse for running around looking like a freshly circumcized dick.
    • "White Guys Who Shave Their Heads"
  • Thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it … if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do … all you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take "Thou Shalt Not Kill". The more devout they are … the more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable … it's negotiable. It depends, you know? It depends, it depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.
    • "Why We Don't Need 10 Commandments"
  • [After providing reasons for cutting down the Ten Commandments] So, with all this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nooky", and "Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to". Two is all you need, Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fucking pocket, and if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall, as long as they included one additional Commandment: "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself"!
    • "Why We Don't Need 10 Commandments"
  • I drive kind of recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicle, and I don't believe in traffic laws. So I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents.
    • "Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin'!"
  • The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now it is a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions. "Are you hurt?" Of course they're hurt; look at all the blood! You just ran over them with a ton and a half of steel!
    • "Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin'!"
  • If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile."
    • "Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin'!"
  • Here's something you never hear a man say: "Stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police!"
  • How's that Science project coming along, Justin? Fuck you dad, you simple minded prick!
  • ...You know what my daddy used to say? My daddy used to say blab-blaba-dab blab-blaba-dab blaba-dab-dab-dab. Oh, he did, did he? Well, wasn't that fuckin' enlightening? My daddy used to say 'Fuck yo' daddy!" Grow up Billy-Joe Carl Bob Danny Frank. You're not 6 anymore; more like 9.

Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

  • I’m a modern man, digital and cost free; a man for the millenniuma diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded; I've been imputed and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech, low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new wave, but I’m old school; and my inner child is Outward-bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, Warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time I’m radioactive Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet, pushin’ the envelope. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the to, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, and I run victory laps. I’m totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic, a working rage-aholic; out of rehab and in denial. I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up; you can’t dumb me down. ‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I’m a non-believer, I’m an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low rent, high maintenance. I’m super-sized, long-lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail. But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary –care giver. My output is down, but income is up. I take short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant. I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hardcore — no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed. And… I have unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’; jivin’ and groovin’, and wailin’ and winnin’. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunchtime. I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt; and I’m hangin’ tough. Over and Out.

  • You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts.
    • "Three Little Words"
  • Now apparently, some people don't know what a pussy-fart is. Because I got some inquiries. Here's the deal: a pussy fart is like when you're making love to a woman who's got a little extra air in her vagina. So every time you thrust forward, it's kind of a … [makes various farting noises] And each of you is lying in bed, wondering if the other one farted. And the man is usually thinking, "Maybe she farts when she cums. Maybe she took a shit. Man, I've got to stay out of that fucking bar."
    • "Three Little Words"
  • "Hey, guys! Guess what? Keep on reading! How are you? I hope you are fine. I am not fine - as you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from the ceiling fixture. You are the ones who drove me to this. I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along. I hope you're happy now that I'm goddamn dead. Signed, The Corpse in This Room. P.S: Fuck you people!"
    • "The Suicide Guy"
  • Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something. Might as well be Steve. And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?
    • "Extreme Human Behavior"
  • The Aztecs loved human sacrifice. And they were good at it. Well, they got a lot of practice. For instance, right around the year 1500, the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people in one ceremony. OK? 80,000 people, one ceremony. You know what the occasion was? They were opening a new temple. Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh? Especially that old-time religion...
    • "Extreme Human Behavior"
  • You know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing? Here's how they did it: They would do it right out in public, right in front of everybody - big town; beautiful city square; twenty, thirty thousand people looking on - they would take the guy, lay him on an altar, cut his chest open, pull his heart out, and hold it up in the air while it was still beating. Got that? Cut his chest open, pull his heart out, and hold it up in the air while it was still beating. You know what you call that? Theater. That is fucking theater. And although the procedure may have been a little too crude to be considered the first bypass surgery, it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor program.
    • "Extreme Human Behavior"
  • So what if some civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his head cut off in Iraq? Fuck him! If you don't want to get your head cut off, stay the fuck in Oklahoma! But if you're going to go into someone else's country carrying a weapon, you better expect some fucking action!
  • One guy, about a month ago, was given three consecutive life terms, plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can't do that shit. In order to do that, you'd have to be a Hindu.
  • Another word you don't hear too often is dingleberries. You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. I think it's because dingleberries is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. Dingleberries! It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries! "It is to be devoutly wished … that she would kiss me … under the dingleberries."
  • I'm not giving anything back to the community. You know why? Because I didn't take nothing. You can search my fucking house.

It's Bad for Ya (2008)

  • I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls and his bicycles and his steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of that asshole. And while you're at it, fuck Tiger Woods too! There's another jackoff I can do without. I'm tired of being told who to admire in this country. Aren't you? Aren't you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be? Being told who you outta look up too. I'll choose my own heroes, thank you very much. And fuck Dr. Phil too!
  • This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow down his cancer. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"
  • "Every child is special." Boy, they said it over and over, as if to convince themselves, "every child is special", and I kept saying, "fuuuck you!" Every child is clearly not special.
  • Raising a child is not difficult. They try to make it into this mysterious, difficult task - nothing to it. Easiest thing in the world to raise a kid, if you follow the steps. First step: You take the kid, and you put him on the street corner, and you leave him there. You come back a week later. If the kid is still there, [clicks tongue] you got yourself a stupid fucking kid. Then you just proceed from that point.
  • It's all bullshit, folks, and it's bad for ya.
  • I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country.
  • [George Carlin's last joke on television.] Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true: I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally, I lean toward unlimited rights - I feel, for instance, I have the right to do anything I please. But, if I do something you don't like, I think you have the right to kill me. So where you gonna find a fairer fucking deal than that? So the next time some asshole says to you, "I have a right to my opinion," you say, "Oh yeah? Well, I have a right to my opinion, and my opinion is that you have no right to your opinion." Then shoot the fuck and walk away!
    • "You Have No Rights"
  • [about the phrase "children are our future"]
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so BLOW ME!!
  • You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? Forget the bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam naked standing at attention, and sitting on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off.


Brain Droppings (1997)

  • Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.
  • Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.
  • "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
  • Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
  • I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

  • I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!

Internet (official website)

  • Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.

    Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.

    And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.


Print Interviews

  • {On his work appearing on the Internet} It's a conflicted feeling. I'm really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about solving this issue. It's someone else's job.
  • For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails.

Television Appearances

  • When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
  • [T]he difference between left and right of center … originated in the French parliament. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Broadly speaking. And generally speaking, people on … the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. The rights and the rights of property. And generally speaking again – it's all generalized – the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. That's generally been true. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before.

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