Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.Ann Landers
Gilbert Gottfried (born February 28, 1955) is a Jewish American stand-up comedian and actor.
- Anyway, I prefer to eat Hellmann's Mayonnaise. Miracle Whip tastes like that white paste you use to use when you were in grade school.
- I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
- I did an episode of In the House with LL Cool J and Debbie Allen. One of my many black show appearances. I've become the white Stepin Fetchit on black shows.
- I host these bad movies late at night.
- I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
- I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
- If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.
- No, actually I steal everything from Bob Newhart.
- No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
- The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
- Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.
- Well, I did do Look Who's Talking, Too.
- Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
- Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Darryl Hannah parts.
- An armless legless girl is laying on the beach crying and a man comes up to her and asks "Why are you crying about?" And she answers "I'm crying because I've never been kissed." So he kneels down and kisses her then gets up and starts walking away. Now she's crying twice as hard, and he comes back and asks "What are you crying about now?" She goes "I'm crying because in my whole life I've never been fucked." So he picks her up, tosses her into the ocean and yells "You're fucked now!"
- What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.
- A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him, says "I've got bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The man goes "Thank God I don't have cancer."
- A man has the words "I Love You" tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife, the wife says "Stop trying to put words in my mouth.
- I was in the car with my girlfriend the other day. She said "Kiss me where it smells," so I drove her to New Jersey.
- You know what's the motto of the Greek army? "Never leave your buddy's behind."
- A bear and rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and goes, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit goes "no," so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
- A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Backtrack a little. Where did the blood come from? You didn't say anything about blood." Well if a guy is fist fucking his daughter, who's young, and her asshole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. He could be a longshoreman. He could have arms like Popeye.
The Roast of Hugh Hefner
- The only way Hugh Hefner can get stiff now is through rigor mortis!
- It's so hard coming on after everyone else. Everyone has already done my act. It's like Ice-T already did my whole act, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to follow you white motherfuckers home, and rape you fucking white bitches! See, when a bit works, it works.
Roast of Denis Leary
- [speaking as Denis's Irish Wolfhound, Clancy] Hi, I'm one of Denis's Wolfhounds. I'm on my way to the veterenarian's office. You see, I had a chance to watch Denis perform, but I figured I'd have alot more fun having my balls cut off! [rim shot] You know, I've been Denis's dog for 12 years, and he loves me cuz I'm Irish, and I love him cuz he smells like dog ass! [rim shot] Now, Denis used to paper train me with his movie scripts. That way, I had a chance to shit on them before the critics did! [rim shot] You know when I look up at Denis, I see Willem Dafoe without the talent. I see an ugly Bryan Adams. I see Sting with AIDS. You know, if you want to enjoy your Denis Leary comedy album, do what I do every morning - get out your copy, and take a gigantic dump on it! [rim shot] As Denis's pet, I get to see a side of him that most of you never do - Denis the devoted father, Denis the family man, and of course - Denis the Jew Hater! Well Denis, I'm going to have my balls cut off. But don't worry about it, you can still lick my asshole!
Roast of Bob Saget
- Mary-Kate and Ashlet Olsen walk into a bar. They say to the bartender "We'll have two Ass Hurts" and the bartender says "Well how do you make an Ass Hurt?" They reply "First, Bob Saget hands you a chocolate milk that he has just made. Then, you wake up three hours later lying on your stomach with your pajama pants pulled down around your ankles."
- Well, a lot of you are saying, "Why did we pick Bob Saget?" Why did we pick Bob Saget, who raped and killed a girl in 1990? Should we even spend two seconds with Bob Saget, who raped and killed a girl in 1990? Well, first of all, it's not true! It's not true that Bob Saget raped and killed a girl in 1990! So if you have any proof that Bob Saget raped and killed a girl in 1990, stop gossiping, and go right to the police with it.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
- [repeated line] SON OF A BITCH!!!