Good Morning, Vietnam

From Quotes
Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.
Don Marquis
Jump to: navigation, search

Good Morning, Vietnam is a 1987 film about a rock DJ assigned to the US Armed Services Radio station in Vietnam.

Writen by Mitch Markowitz and Directed by Barry Levinson

The wrong man. In the wrong place. At the right time.


Adrian Cronauer

  • Mantovani? They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs!
  • Mayday! Mayday! Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock. Stop the car.
  • Oh, Edward, Edward, you don't understand. I've been on a small Greek island with a lotta women who look like Zorba. I never thought I'd find women attractive ever again, and now that I do you won't even turn the car around? [scoffs] Thanks a lot.
  • Ed, are you always this happy?
  • [Garlick wakes him up] My God, it's Mardi Gras, and I'm on the main float.
  • Goooooooood morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test! This is rock-'n'-roll! Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ! Is that me, or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie?
  • Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late! It's 0600. What's the O stand for? "Oh my God, it's early!" Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon Marty Drywitz. Thank you Marty for "Silky-smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee…
  • What is this "demilitarized zone?" What do they mean, "police action?" Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn going, "Uh, she looks pretty to me."
  • Here’s a little riddle for you. What's the difference between the army and the Cub Scouts? [Imitates buzzer] Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery!
  • Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT? 'Cause if it leaks to the VC he could end up MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP
  • How am I gonna get to first base with this girl?
  • The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is that a large woman standing near the river going [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there!" [in Girly voice] "But Betty-" [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there! Get away from the river! Stay away from there." I know, we can't use the word "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian", it's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you very much.
  • [as Walter Cronkite] I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon roundup.
  • [to Trinh] You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town.
  • Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
  • Hey, we're back. That last few seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin' In The Wind." And now, here are the headlines. Here they come at you right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia, and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans, today, claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you.
  • Here's a news flash: Today President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways.
  • [To Jimmy Wah] James! Nice, shiny green suit. You look like an Oriental leprechaun.
  • You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.
  • I don't know. I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil. Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records, try and find some hidden meaning-- 'cause basically I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius.
  • I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say. "This news isn't official." "That comment is too sarcastic." I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who is screaming out to be made fun of. So, fuck it.
  • [As camp fashion consultant] Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. Why? Because it matches with the green! The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me.
  • [To Srg. Major Dickerson] You know, you're in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.
  • Know about the bombing, Sparky. No wonder you hauled ass. You were my friend. I trusted you. You hear me?
  • It's unbelievable. Five months in Saigon and my best friend turns out to be a VC. THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUME!

Edward Garlick

  • That's Marty Lee Drywitz. He's impeccably clean. This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin. He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide.
  • My whole life passed before my eyes, and it wasn't even interesting to me.
  • It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does. Stamp collections, pulling chickweeds from my dad's dichondra plants, arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage. Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull. I find that very alarming.
  • [To Lt Hauk] Sir? I'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood.
  • I live to collate, sir.

Lieutenant Hauk

  • You know, it wouldn’t kill you people to salute me once in a while.
  • I understand you're pretty funny as a DJ, and, well comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. Well, actually, it’s a little more than just a hobby. Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.
  • [To Adrian] You are not funny. But you are a maniac, and you'd better start changing your life.
  • [About Adrian] Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite.
  • And as far as polkas, they are a much maligned musical taste.
  • Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.

Sgt. Major Dickerson

  • Sir, there is no such thing as "only" anymore. Not now. Not in Saigon.
  • You shut your fucking hole!
  • But if you toy with me, I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child.

General Taylor

  • Why, son, the shadow of your ass'd weigh 20 pounds.
  • Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms.
  • It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas. Military politics. Nothing personal. The men just like him better than they do you.
  • Now this thing is a delicate balance over here, and I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey. Then men want him back. I want him back.
  • Lieutenant, you don't know whether you're shot, fucked, powder-burned, or snakebit.

Others

  • Dreiwitz: What is the appeal of Joey Bishop? I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny, and he's not funny. Don't get me wrong- he seems like a nice guy- but my father's a nice guy and he's not funny either. Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me.
  • Jimmy Wah: [About Hong Kong] Home of the shiiiny green suit.
  • Trinh: I-- I not can do this, Cronow. No. No friend, Cronow. Not good for-- for me. My brother, OK, friends. But Vietnam ladies not friends. Please, OK? Not friends.

Dialogue

Garlick: I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque Garlick, at your service, sir.
Adrian: Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.

Garlick: You're not supposed to address the general saying "hiya."
Adrian: What's that, a new rule?
Garlick: No, old rule.

Hauk: That's a joke, right?
Adrian: Maybe.
Hauk: I get it.

Dickerson: This is not military issue, Airman. What sort of uniform is that?
Adrian: Cretan camouflage. If you want to blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks there's nothing better.
Dickerson: That is humor. I recognize that. I also recognize your species of soldier. I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces. But not before his humor cost the lives of three very fine individuals.

Adrian: What's the demilitarized zone? It sounds like something out of the Wizard of Oz
Adrian as Glinda: Oh no don't go in there!
Adrian as Soldier: Ohhh wee ohh. Ho Chi Minh.
Adrian as Glinda: Oh look you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now.
Adrian as Munchkin: We represent the ARVN army, the ARVN army. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail!
Adrain as Witch: Oh! I'll get you my pretty!
Adrian: Oh my God! It's the wicked Witch of the North! It's Hanoi Hannah!
Adrain as Witch: Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too!

Adrian: We've got our traffic report up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. How's it going up there?
Adrian as Reporter: Well, Adrian, it's not going exactly well. There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. It's not a very pretty picture, there's horns everywhere. I dunno what to say, we're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm there, try to cook him down, have a little barbecue.

Adrian as Camp Fashion Consultant: I want to tell you something. You know, this whole camouflage thing, for me, doesn't work very well.
Adrian: Why is that?
Adrian as Camp Fashion Consultant: Because you go in the jungle, I can't see you. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid. For me, I want to do something different. You know, you go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash. You know what I mean?

Hauk: First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees colder today than yesterday.
Adrian: Two degrees colder? [gasps] Me without my muff.

Hauk: Okay, who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Phil: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Hauk: Why not?
Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
[The group laughs]
Hauk: That is not funny!
Abersold: How about if it escalated?
Hauk: How about if what escalated?
Abersold: The Vietnam conflict
Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!

Hauk: I would like to leave the room now.
Abersold: Oh! Uh, yes, sir.

Dickerson: [Pointing to his rank insignia] What does three up and three down mean to you, Airman?
Adrian: End of an inning?

Adrian: Once again we've got our friend from military intelligence. Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here?
Adrian as Gomer: We found out that we can't find them. They're out there, and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy.
Adrian: Well, what do you use to look for them?
Adrian as Gomer: Well, we ask people, 'Are you the enemy? And whoever says yes, we shoot them. [Pause] It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie. They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that. It's very difficult for me.

Adrian: Is it true that you're actually-- that you're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing?
Adrian as Gomer: Nerve… uh, gas?
Adrian: Yes, have you used any?
Adrian as Gomer: Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no-- WOAH! WOAH! No effect on me. I've had no actual-- WOAH! SHE-HOO! WOAH! WOAH! Big dogs! Big dogs landing on my face!
Adrian: I don't know what that means.

Hauk: Where you do imagine you're going?
Adrian: Just gonna get a little something to eat.
Hauk: You don't have time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverages or something. We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 PM.
Adrian: I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.
Hauk: That's a joke, right? I get it.
Adrian: Nooo, I'm actually hungry
Hauk: Well I'm actually giving you an order. [Walks out.]
Adrian: Oh it's an order. In that case gentlemen. Let's edit.

Nixon: Therefore, there is no place for neutrality or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam. As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind that the Viet Cong will be defeated and this war will be won. Asia does involve, I think, very appropriately as you have suggested, give and take.
Adrian: Well I-- I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.
Nixon: The United States has no right to give--
Hauk: Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?
Abersold: I don't know, Lieutenant.
Nixon: --territory to the communists.
Adrian: Mr. Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?
[Hauk turns to the radio in horror]
Nixon: That they're soft, and that they're shallow and they have no purpose.
Hauk: Oh, my God.
Adrian: What are you saying, sir?
Hauk: Oh, my God.
Nixon: That they lack the physical strength.
Adrian: How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?
Nixon: It is unexciting sometimes.
Adrian: Well, have you considered, possibly, a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you
Hauk: Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me.
Adrian: --into a female Great Dane or possibly a very well hung Chihuahua. Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, its rumored that you've smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?
Nixon: By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.

Hauk: Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-color parody of former VP Nixon.
General: I thought it was hilarious.
Hauk: Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.
General: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend.

Tuan: Yes. Come. We go.
Adrian: You sound like you leaned English from Tonto. "Come. We go." OK.

[Adrian sees the story about the bombing that he witnessed and he starts taking it to the control room, going past the two censors]
Censor #1: What do you think you're doing? You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked by this office.
Adrian: What's there to check? I was there.
Censor #1: Airman, you know the rules. If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.
Adrian: Listen, Tweedledee, it's an actual event. [referring to the blood on his shirt] What do you think this came from? Shaving? It's the truth. I just want to report the truth. It'll be a nice change of pace.
Dickerson: What's going on here?
Adrian: Sir, will you listen to me?
Dickerson: [reads the story] This is not official news, airman. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.
Adrian: It did happen.
Dickerson: You shut your mouth!
Adrian: What are you afraid of Dickerson? People might find out there's a war going on?
Dickerson: This news is not official.
Adrian: You want everyone going under the assumption it's perfectly safe here, don'tcha? Well, it's not. The fighting's not just in the hills, it's downtown. It's a couple of fucking BLOCKS!
Dickerson: I SAID IT IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!
Adrian: I see your point. I'm sorry. I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners, I get a little dizzy. Thanks for setting me straight.

General: I think I see a pattern forming here.
Dreiwitz: Sir, these letters are unequivocal! Uh, e.g., [reads a letter] "Hey, Hauk. Eat a bag of shit. You suck." That's pretty much to the point, sir, not much gray area in this one.
Garlick: We got one positive call from some guy in Wichita, who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick! [pause] That's a direct quote, sir.
Phil: I've taken ninety calls this morning-- they just don't like Hauk.
Garlick: From a Marine in Danang: "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls." I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.
General: I think the troops are trying to tell us something, fellas.

Phil: Is he all right?
Garlick: No, Phil, he's not all right. A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right.

Garlick: Gentlemen! Hey guys, guess who the hell I got in here.
Man 1: Groucho Marx!
Man 2: Senator Dirksen.
Man 3: Curly!
Garlick: Come on. Come on, come on, come on! Guess again.
Adrian: Oh bag it, bag it, Garlick.
Garlick: The fellow I got in here is the gentleman, the one and the only
Adrian: Oh, you're a dead man.
Garlick: The king of the airwaves, Adrian Cronauer.

Adrian: Listen, I gave you my friendship, and my trust. And now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy.
Tuan: Enemy? What is enemy? You killing my own people so many miles from your home. We not the enemy. You the enemy.
Adrian: You used me to kill two people. Two fucking people died in that fucking bar.
Tuan: Big fucking deal! My mother dead. And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead. Shot by Americans. My neighbor, dead. His wife, dead. Why? Because we're not human to them. We're only little Vietnamese. And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Lac.

[Once again, Garlick attempts to start the already started car]
Adrian: Staggers the imagination.
Garlick: Makes me unique, doesn't it?
Adrian: What a plus.

Adrian: You could get in trouble for that.
Garlick: I requisitioned for a name change. Trouble is actually my new middle name.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: