- I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.
- I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half.
- I'll bet you say that to all the girls!
- Gracie's typical reply to an insult she has mistaken for a compliment. Most often used in their vaudeville routines, early movie shorts, films and radio shows.
- Never place a period where God has placed a comma.
- Slogan for the United Church of Christ, whose program is entitled, "God Is Still Speaking,".
- There's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.
- You're the only boy who ever made me cry, and I decided that if you could make me cry, I must really love you.
- Accepting George Burns proposal of marriage, after a long period of reluctance, and dismissal of his overtures.
- Walking is good for you! It... contains vitamins!
Scene with George Burns
- George: [looking at Gracie, who is arranging a large vase of beautiful flowers] Grace, those are beautiful flowers. Where did they come from?
- Gracie: Don't you remember, George? You said that if I went to visit Clara Bagley in the hospital I should be sure to take her flowers. So, when she wasn't looking, I did.
It's commonly believed that at the end of stage shows Allen would reply to her husband's line "Say goodnight, Gracie", with "Goodnight, Gracie". This is actually not true and recordings from the time do not have her using this reply.