Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

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To love one person with a private love is poor and miserable: to love all is glorious.
Thomas Traherne
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Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (GTA:SA) is a sandbox-style action-adventure game developed by Rockstar North. It is the third 3D game in the Grand Theft Auto video game franchise and fifth original game overall.

Carl "CJ" Johnson

  • (first lines) After five years on the east coast, it was time to go home.
  • Hell no, Officer Tenpenny. I was just wondering what took y'all so long.
  • Ah, shit, here we go again. Worst place in the world. Rollin Heights- Balla country. I ain't represented Grove Street in five years, but the Ballas won't give a shit.
  • Grove Street-Home. At least it was before I fucked everything up.
  • Does the Pope shit in the woods?
  • It seems impossible to keep a secret around here!
  • (referring to Claude Speed) Motherfucker, that mute asshole! That fucking snake without a tongue! Gave me this shithole instead of a pink slip? I must be the biggest fucking idiot in the whole fucking world!
  • (When stealing money) I'll take that paper.
  • You can't catch me, fool!
  • (When stealing money) I like to share too. Thank you!
  • (When stealing money) Ah, you're so kind.
  • (When stealing money) That all you got?
  • (When stealing money) Next time you should put it in a bank!
  • (When stealing money) Gimmie that!
  • (When stealing money) Hey gimmie that paper!
  • (When stealing money) Oh you dropped ya paper!
  • Oh you think you're tough?
  • Who, me? Look at you, pathetic bitch
  • I appreciate your input, but please, fuck off.
  • Are you a professional moron or just a gifted amateur?
  • Welcome to America, asshole!
  • Did you buy your license?
  • Fuck you AND your casino!
  • It's GSF tax, fool. (GSF = Grove Street Families)
  • Shouldn't fuck with GSF fool.
  • At least I look like the right gender, bitch
  • Oh yeah? You're just one ugly bitch
  • Why don't you get in a line to bang your moms, bitch?
  • Did you steal your license?
  • I warned you!
  • You got a job with a name badge, fool?
  • It's my constitutional right, bitch!
  • Gotta love the gun lobby.
  • (to the dead Big Smoke)Oh, damn, man... What a waste.
  • (to the dead Officer Tenpenny) See you around... Officer.
  • You have a bad week, huh? I'll make it worse for that!
  • Aaaaah Smoke you full of shit!
  • Cool, now shut up
  • Sorry, but you gettin' jacked.
  • You okay? I hope not!
  • You about ready to represent the set?
  • Send them ducats over here!
  • Look at all this paper!
  • That's going in my retirement fund
  • Go bounce on your daddy knee, bitch!
  • It's a robbery, don't make it a murder!
  • I'm rich and fucking crazy!
  • Don't take this personally, but you getting jacked!
  • Alright bitch, I'm your bitch!
  • You hit my fucking car!
  • Weights and that'll do it to ya.
  • I'm not some bitch you can slap about.
  • You hit me, asshole!
  • You should have been drowned at birth!
  • Yeah! Run away, bitch!
  • (While angry with police) I'm gonna put you to sleep, punk!
  • (While angry with police) PUNK ASS BITCH!
  • (While angry with police) YOU DAMN MOTHERFUCKER!
  • (last lines) Fittin' to hit the block, see what's happenin'.
  • (when chased by police) Don't make me stop running!
  • (when chased by police) You clowns!
  • (when chased by police) You motherfuckers!
  • (when chased by police) Get the army, I'm a fuckin' maniac!
  • (when chased by police) You're fucking with a maniac!
  • You gonna have to apologize for that shit!
  • I'll be honest with you, I ain't got no gun license.
  • I'm sorry, I had a difficult childhood.
  • Ain't that a surprise, I got a gun.
  • Aww shit. I gotta gat.
  • You havin' a bad week? I gonna make it worse for that.
  • Who let you out of the mental home?
  • [after killing someone] Don't blame me, blame society.
  • (after killing someone) Don't blame me, blame yourself.
  • Bitches! [running away from police and being shot]
  • Holy motherfucker!
  • Yeah? At least I don't turn people to stone, ya monster!
  • (when CJ steals cash from dead pedestrians) I need this more than you, I think.
  • (While carjacking a civilian) My bad, homie.
  • (While carjacking a civilian) You haven't been hurt yet, so be cool!
  • (While carjacking a civilian) Gimme that!
  • (While carjacking a civilian) Gimmie that fucking vehicle!
  • (While carjacking a civilian) Get the fuck outta here!
  • (while carjacking a civilian) I need that shit you drive
  • (while carjacking a civilian) Out!
  • (while carjacking a civilian) Remember, heroes get killed.
  • (while carjacking a civilian) Don't sweat it.
  • [while shooting at cops] BITCHES!
  • [if falling from a high distance, when about 10 feet from the ground] Aww shi- *splat*
  • (Whilst falling without a parachute) Aww, fuck! Damn!
  • (Whilst falling without a parachute) Shit! Fuck!
  • (Whilst falling without a parachute) Bullshit!
  • (Whilst falling without a parachute) I hate gravity!
  • Catalina, you're sick! Get help!
  • (When fat) Lunch money!
  • (When fat) This should help keep my belly full.
  • (When fat) I'm going to spend this on a good meal.
  • (When fat) Go ahead and shoot; can't miss.
  • (When fat) Fat guy's got a gun.
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) You hit me, busta! I'ma hit you back!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) My car! My fucking car!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) You're one serious fool!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) Aww, man! I do not believe it!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) You hit my car, dumbass!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) C'mon, asshole!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) Aww, you asshole! My shit!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) My whip!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) I'm not amused of your bullshit!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) You'd better apologize! Watch it out! You hit me!
  • (when CJ hits something with his car) I can't believe you did that!
  • (While hitting/shooting a civilian) I may look good, but I'm a maniac!
  • (While hitting/shooting a civilian) Run away, save yourself!
  • (While hitting/shooting a civilian) Make it easy on yourself and run away!
  • (While hitting/shooting a civilian) Nobody punches CJ!
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) You want to get slapped, pig?
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) Come on, fight me!
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) You want back down?
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) Come on, show me what you got
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) You calling CJ a bitch?
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) You know who you fighting with?
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) You want to get shut up?
  • (while hitting/shooting a civilian) Runaway fool!
  • (While hitting/shooting a civilian) Come on, show me what you got!
  • (when recruited homies get too far away) Come on, people! Don't give up!
  • (when talking to recruited homie) Over here people!
  • (When CJ is jacked by another person) Nobody jacks CJ!

Cesar Vialpando

  • Cabron! You got a nice ride eh holmes?
  • Nice ride, man. That's no carrucha! You sure you want to risk that baby?
  • It's hard cash or your pink slip in the pot. Con Safos, eh. Then you pull up and race. First past the post wins, con chota, sin chota.
  • Watch out, CJ, these boys don't like to lose, eh...
  • (about Smoke and Ryder revealed as having betrayed the GSF) Sorry ese, I heard a rumour and poked around. I didn't believe it myself but...
  • This ain't over, man. I did this to take care of my woman. But now I'm gonna head straight back home, and I'm gonna cap me some fucking dope dealers!
  • We already know who the fucking bad guys are, man, your stinking Grove Street brother Smoke, and those chota pigs Tenpenny and Pulaski! Smoke, he's a pusher, man!
  • Word on the street is twice a week, Smoke sends a car out to San Fierro, and the trunk comes back full of white.
  • When the gasoline runs through your veins like the burning passion, you know when it's time to race!
  • (about the run-down garage) Holmes, take it easy. At least we're alive.
  • My cousin? You're gonna dis' my familia?
  • Hey, my cousin just called me. He gave me a tip about a Balla car going San Fierro to score yay.
  • You're fucking crazy, holmes! You gotta get out of this ghetto mentality!
  • (CJ asks how he got a silenced pistol) Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is America!
  • Carl! You're a fucking hero down in LS, I just spoke to my cousin.
  • (To CJ, about Ryder) Fucking midget deserved it, eh. Little asshole tried to bang your sister, you know that?
  • (attempting to predict what sentence Tenpenny willl receive) Try 5 years. Cops always get off easy.
  • (as Sweet is determined to stop any rioters in Grove Street) I don't know about that, holmes. Look. The whole city is going up. People are fucking pissed off about this.
  • I helped you guys, hombre. It's time you helped me and my homies. My 'hood's screwed up too. We got this shitty neighbourhood on lockdown now.
  • It's time to get my old gang back together, push out those yay-slanging punks, eh?
  • Orale! The Varrio's coming back!
  • (During the second Mike Torino mission when Cesar Attempts to jump) What do you think I'm a Mexican jumpin bean? Get closer!
  • TELL KENDL I LOVE HER!

Catalina

  • You want some, fatso?! You big streak of Yankee piss! I've seen fucking eunuchs with more balls than you!
  • Hand over the takings or I blow your fucking balls off!
  • Perhaps today no cowboy motherfuckers will get in our way!
  • (as she spots CJ at a race) Oh, so THIS is where you have been, eh? THIS is how you repay my tenderness! You prefer the curves of some car to those of a real woman?
  • All you little men are scared of strong women! If we're passionate you say we're crazy. If we're upset you say we're hysterical. We sleep with men, we're sluts. If we don't put out we're frigid bitches.
  • And I'm just a cheap fuck? Some whore you don't even pay?
  • You never write to me. You don't call. You treat me like a fucking whore, like one of YOUR whores! I'm gonna fuck you up!
  • OH YES! FASTER! HARDER! DEEPER! OH YES! YESSSS!! (sighs)
  • (talking about her idea of fun) ...or hitting a man with a frying pan while he sleeps.
  • PIIIIIGG!
  • Tiny-balled idiota!

Kendl Johnson

  • Carl, hey, good to see you.
  • What? Get out of my face. I'm going to see Cesar.
  • Look, I love him! And what the fuck are you?
  • Oh, and I guess that makes you an upstanding American. Carl, tell him!
  • Fuck you, Sweet. (leaves sweet and talking to herself) What an asshole!
  • (in response to Carl complaining about his garage)You know what, Carl, you are a fucking idiot. Your whole life you've wanted something for nothing. Now you've got something, and you don't know what to do with it. Well, make it good enough. We'll help, right?

Melvin "Big Smoke" Harris

  • Like it says in the book, we are blessed and cursed.
  • Same things make us laugh, make us cry.
  • I admire you Carl, you're a leader a visionary remember me when you get to the top.
  • Respect has to be earned, Sweet - just like money.
  • Those nosey motherfuckers won't leave me alone! Think I'm Mr. Big or something.But I don't tell them shit. For me, it's all about my homeboy, Carl.
  • (To Vago members) Coughio up el weedo, before I blow your brains out all over the patio!
  • (after attacking a Vagos member with a bat) Yeah, motherfucker, Big Smoke! Remember that name!
  • Some Vagos cats meeting some San Fierro Rifa, cutting some kind of deal.
  • You better clear out, CJ. I don't want some C.R.A.S.H. fools trying to pull you into some shit!
  • Damn, you're a real killer baby. Ice Cold!
  • A lot of people say gangsta rap is misogynistic posturing done by fake-ass idiots who spend more time in drama school than they ever did pimpin' or hustlin'.
  • Look at you, you got the whole world. I ain't got no regrets, man.
  • Man, fuck Tenpenny and fuck his Polish lap dog!
  • I MADE IT CJ, I'M A SUCCESS! I CAN'T BE TOUCHED!
  • Man, what the fuck do you care? Guess we better do this shit then. (releases a gun)
  • (last words) I had no choice... I had to do it... I just see the opportunity. When I'm gone, everyone gonna remember my name... Big Smoke!
  • This is well known philanthropist Big Smoke and you're listinin' to WCTR. Make a difference. I'm doing my part, how are you helpin'?

Lance "Ryder" Wilson

  • CJ, you a buster. Straight up buster!
  • Man, some pizza place keeps painting over our hit up, man! That shit is beautiful. Teach the owner a lesson. He's fucking up Grove Street. You down?
  • Same old CJ! Busta! Straight busta!
  • I'll write it down in a second. I ain't going to pencil whip you, fat sucker.
  • I'm saying that the East Coast made you drive like a idiot, fool! Man, you always crashing cars and shit. And for some reason now you back, all it is 'CJ drive here, CJ drive there.' Bullshit!
  • My homie, LB - he told me this army motherfucker who's got all the guns we need. Not that old school Emmet bullshit either!
  • He can't stop me, you buster, Carl!
  • Nigga, I couldn't find that wet buried, so I'm making my own.
  • Man, who you calling a boy, fool?
  • Good afternoon Balla dope pushers, Grove Street OGs come to do damage!
  • (to Tenpenny) Man, fuck you.
  • Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.
  • (telling CJ why he didn't finish high school) It's cause I'm too intelligent for this shit, man. I'm the real deal, fool. Oh, yeah. A genius.
  • Who has more straps than anybody? Who has all the straps, huh?
  • It's National Guard, fool! Weekend soldiers!
  • C... Can't stop me.

Officer Eddie Pulaski

  • (The Introduction) Sometimes it means doing shit that you ain't proud of, because you're strong enough and smart enough to understand the bigger picture.
  • Smoke? Smoke does exactly what he's told. He learned that lesson a long time ago.
  • (concerning a journalist who is CJ's target)He doesn't know how the streets work - that he's supposed to report what he's supposed to report.
  • (dying and after being asked for last words) Yeah - can I fuck your sister? (Kendl)
  • (to Carl) What the hell do you know about it boy?

Officer Frank Tenpenny

  • (The Introduction, after Pulaski calls him "pal") Pal? I'm your superior officer and don't you forget that shit!
  • (The Introduction, after hearing Hernandez's domestic dispute story) Well, I deal with drug dealers, gang bangers and psychotics, all of them chasing after a lot of money, none of them scared to kill me, you, or all our families, if they think it will help them. Now this is a bit more serious than a domestic dispute, pal.
  • (indicating that he and C.J. have met before the game's events)You haven't forgotten about us, have you boy?
  • How you been, Carl? How's your wonderful family?
  • This is a weapon, Officer Pulaski, that was used to gun down a police officer not ten minutes ago. Officer Pendlebury. A fine man, I might add. (to CJ) You work fast, nigga.
  • (after Carl protests being dropped off in Balla territory) I thought you said you was innocent, Carl? That you don't bang?
  • Officer Pulaski thinks that you're trying to screw with us, Carl. Now you get this straight. We own you. You're ours, we can shit on you from such a height you would think God himself has crapped on you.
  • Time to go to work, CJ, and earn your freedom. There's a guy holed up across town. (to Pulaski) You got that address, Pulaski? Another gangbanging, drug-pushing, cop-killing bitch, just like you. We don't like him and he don't like us.
  • As an officer in charge of putting an end to gang violence, I find myself in a different moral position, Carl.
  • I like the status quo, Carl. I like having all you dumb bastards doing my job for me - blowing each other's guts all over the sidewalk.
  • I'm saying the Ballas have brains, Carl, they watch the news. I'm saying they're making friends, cutting deals, and tooling up for more than half-assed drive-by's. Lots of cheap guns coming into America since the fall of the wall, Carl.
  • Intimidate those who intimidate others, Carl. It's my job. (to Officer Pulaski) Right, Ed?
  • Oh yeah, you should be glad, Carl. Your moron brother's alive. Your street trash, soon to be turned out sister's alive. And, she's only sucking one grease-ball's dick. Things are going pretty well for you, Carl. So behave, nigga.
  • (as Pulaski threatens to shoot Carl)For once, let's let the kid do something good with his useless life. He's gonna help us with the fight against crime. Right, Carl?
  • (on an informant) Yeah, you'll never find anybody as fork-tongued as this snake ass bastard. Soon as he gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he'll whistle any tune Internal Affairs want him to.
  • Well, what we want is to get on with our jobs in peace, without some damn bleeding heart libral poking his nose into affairs he won't understand.
  • Woah, easy, Eddie, let's not get ahead of ourselves. (to CJ) Some young journalist out there is trying to get a name for himself.
  • You still don't get it, do you, Carl? This ain't about keeping some fucking badge!
  • We're all the same, Carl - you, me. We're all trying to pull ourselves out of the hole. Somebody steps on me, I gotta step on you.
  • (after punches CJ on the stomach) How d' you like that, you piece of shit? That give you any idea how edgy I am?
  • (to Tenpenny, leaving C.J. to dig his and Hernandez's grave) Good. I'll see you back at the precinct. And I'll see YOU in the next life, Carl.
  • Carl Johnson. My man. I need you to do me another favour. You killed Pulaski, and now this fat fuck - there's no stopping you!
  • Why you think I'm alone? I got a couple of rookies outside. But I gotta open their eyes slowly, you know - a little truth here, a little truth there...
  • I almost forgot, Carl. (cocks gun) Time to die.
  • (after Carl dodges his gunshots) It ain't over, Carl! It ain't over!
  • (last words) Come on, assholes. I'll take you all. You're mine! Mine! I run this town! Hey, over here! Hey! Officer down! Come on! HEY! Assholes! You never understood what I did! Fifty of me and this town would be OK. I took the trash out! I DID! And I'd do it all again...

Sean "Sweet" Johnson

  • That's another funeral you ran away from, fool. Just like Brian's.
  • (CJ is talking about his mother)Not for the past 5 years she wasn't, nigga.
  • What, apart from your Mother being dead? Things are going real bad. Here, let me show you, running man. (starts pointing at graves)Tony's buried over there. Little Devil over there, Big Devil over there. Man, it's just crazy - everybody blasts on fools first then asks questions second.
  • Grab a bike and pedal. Even you ain't forgotten that.
  • Don't say a word, Carl. just follow your sister, before you see another dead sibling. Then you'll know exactly what my problem is.
  • (To CJ)You always did real good leaving jobs half finished.
  • (About Grove Street)This is where our lives began and where it's probably gonna end. And don't forget where you came from, mister uppity ass nigga.
  • (After CJ says that he is being unfair)Oh - somebody just crossed out all the writing on the wall. Disrespected your 'hood. And you act like you don't give a fuck. THAT ain't fair.
  • All your brother wants you to do is pay back your debts, CJ.
  • CJ, I warned you!
  • (After CJ claims that he did a lot of hard work for the family and the Grove Street Families)You keep yappin' about what you done did, well let me tell you what I done did: when Kendl needed shoes, I went out and got the money. When Moms needed an operation, I robbed people for the bread - while you were off in Liberty City, thinkin' about your own shit! For five years, man, c'mon! Now you do something, you want a fuckin' parade? Nigga, please.

The Truth

  • (telling CJ to burn his marijuana) We gotta torch those fields. I only hope Gaia can forgive us!
  • (about a rocket launcher) Shame, really. I was going to make it into a lamp.
  • Oh, no, man. Two lies don't cancel each other out. You know that. We pay them to lie to us. Is that what our founding fathers wanted? No more, friend. No more. We're not alone.
  • (regarding CJ's victory over C.R.A.S.H.)I mean, far out, man. You know, I mean, you beat the system! I tried for thirty years to cross over but you've managed it, man. I mean, man, you're an icon, man!
  • (Regarding a friend who became extremely high) He thought his nose was a kangaroo and his head was the moon - woohooo!
  • (on Big Smoke's self-centered ambition) That is the surest path to hell, man. Well - that or fifteen microdots and an ounce of mescaline.
  • (to CJ and getting high) Carl, chill the fuck out, man. You're killing my vibe.
  • (to CJ, referring to his old car the "Mothership") The engine is being hold together macrame hammock and runs on 15-year-old-cooking oil. Far out, huh?
  • (to CJ, asking him "what's with all the aluminum foil" in the "Mothership") Protection from mind control dude. (Mind control?) Induction of images, sound or emotion using microwave radiation. You know how many government satellites are watching any citizen at any moment? Twenty-three. Do you know how many religious relics are kept at the Pentagon? Twenty-three. You see a pattern emerging here man?
  • (to CJ as they wait for a black van to drive by) Don't look. Quick, think about a yellow rubber duck!
  • (to CJ talking about the mysterious object) Oh, you brought it? Give me. Yes... Oh yes. This is it. (looks at CJ) They will call this... "Year Zero". Woooohyeeaaah! (runs off).
  • (Referring to the lost Kent and Maccer) I took them to go camp in the desert. Took some peyote. We faced the inner light, and communed with the Lizard King!

Jizzy B.

  • (after CJ arrives to his club) Now who's this trick? I don't need no more friends, baby. All they try to do is peel me from my hos.
  • Say what?!
  • See I only got two eyes, and on these streets you got to have more than that. You got to be like a fly on shit, you know? A hundred eyes, everywhere.
  • Now just listen to me, OK? Now it's very important that you listen to me. I ain't no retard, amigo. What you think? What, what, what you and Mike think - I'm just a pretty face to y'all? Is that y'all game?
  • Liability? Liability for what? Now, there's a 3 of us and I'm getting 20%. What type of math is that? That's fool's math, playa!
  • And what what what?! Cat got your tongue? You as bad at talking as you is at mathematics?
  • Time for your provider to make that special call. And if I find out that any of you hos is hustlin' me, (runs his finger across his throat).
  • T-Bone! Pump your brakes, baby. Take a chill pill, and just lay back and let the red mist fall, brother!
  • Hey, partner! T-Bone, look, it's Carl!
  • Shit, I'm a walking book of proverbs.
  • C... C'mon, man. Hey, I get it wrong, you know? I'm imperfect - you know, like... hey. Not a kind man. Not a wise man, you know. Not a smart man, but Dear Lord, I tried!
  • Whatchoo all waiting on, huh? Somebody cap this nigga, man!

T-Bone Mendez

  • (choking CJ in the car) I'll blow your head off and rape and kill your family, you snake! You think you can fucking bullshit me and fuck me over?!
  • I almost had you, I almost fucking had you!

Mike Toreno

  • Shut up and sit down! What, you think I'm a drug dealer? You think you're a crusader for good? Do you have any idea what's going on? Any idea whatsoever? Do you? DO YOU?
  • (explaining to Carl about himself)Yes, when we last met, I was involved in battling threats in Latin America, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. That does not make me a drug dealer.
  • Kids like you. You expect heroes. We're fighting a war out there. I'll be a hero and I'll lose, and what'll we have? Communism in Ohio. People sharing. Nobody buying stuff. That kind of bullshit. So relax, and listen.
  • He's in prison up state, D-Wing. Cell 13. To the left I got a child killer, who wants to rip his throat out. To the right of him I got a white supremacist, who wants to eat his heart out, to be precise.
  • Tenpenny and Pulaski are really relatively benign. Unless of course you're a family member of Officer Pendelbury whom they shot when he threatened to expose them. But you do know all about that, right?
  • (as CJ asks about why he doesn't do anything when he knows of nefarious dealings) You just don't understand, do you, kid. It's all white knights and heroes. We have to make decisions, kid. You know, I try to set bad people on other bad people. And sometimes, I let good guys die. He's your brother, but to me, he's just collateral.
  • Carl, I will ALWAYS be watching... or listening... or both.
  • This history. It's all lies. It says Hitler killed himself and that we nuked Japan. And people believe this shit. Jesus. Well, if it makes them sleep better at night, I guess.
  • (explaining to CJ if he is going to free Sweet) No. Not now. And here's a little newsflash - I said that to get you to do something for me.
  • Got you again, Carl. You're half asleep. I could have killed you in 9 different ways. Wake up and smell the coffee. (Carl says): You should lay off the coffee!
  • (explaining why he cannot get the equipment) I got five guys watching me all the time. Two in that hill. One over there and two by satellite. If I go my guys and I will be dead. I don't have a death wish. I'm a man of peace, son.
  • Listen, Carl. We got a problem. Some traitors from another department think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms contracts.
  • (as Carl reminds him that he also supports dictators) Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators. Degenerates that we can control. We try to stay the hell away from these guys with principles, because that just - muddies the waters.
  • (after Carl points a gun on his face) Oh, will you stop? This is pathetic, come on. You're embarassing yourself.
  • I just want you to go pick up your brother. Get outta here.
  • All you got to do is steal a millitary jet of a navy ship and use it to destroy a guerlla flotila nothing to big. (Carl says): I'm not coming back from this one am I? (Toreno says): Oh you'll be fine. Just do it and you'll be back for a blow job and a sandwich.
  • (after Carl steals the jet) You see, you see! It was a snap. (Carl says): FUCK YOU TORENO! I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN! (Millitary pilot): Stolen aircraft, prepare to be vaporized. (Carl says): You heard that? (Toreno says):"Stolen aircraft, prepare to be vaporized." That's just a bunch of bullshit. They shoot you, it's a international incident. You're not a british tank. (Carl says): For real? (Toreno says): Yeah, well, maybe.

Denise Robinson

  • Take me away from all this.
  • I ain't no hood rat.
  • I had three kids, but I gave them away.
  • I've always been into gangbanging.
  • I've known a lot of homeboys.
  • I hope I don't get pregnant again.

Cluckin Bell Clerk

  • Cluckity-cluck-cluck, sir.
  • Cluckity-fuck, place your order.
  • Well, aloh-a-doodle-doo.
  • Enjoy a doodle doo.
  • Hope you choke-a-doodle-doo.
  • How may I further degrade myself, sir?
  • It's all processed chicken-ass.
  • The chewy bits aren't harmful, sir.
  • Don't choke on the bone fragments.
  • You might be lucky enough to find a feather.
  • Only 10 percent guano!
  • If you come back, you're a moron!

Well Stacked Pizza Clerk

  • We stack 'em high, sir.
  • Have a nice cheesy day.
  • Have a nice "Well Stacked" day.
  • We're out of napkins.
  • Nice 'n' cheesy does it.
  • Watch it, it's hot!
  • Here! Next!

Ammunation Clerk

  • You can legally own a gun.
  • It's all fresh out the crate.
  • Everything you need to get even.
  • Are you hard yet?
  • Don't you just love the smell of gun oil?
  • Theys all lost their serial numbers.
  • Take it! Hold it! Love it!
  • Ice your wife or stop a truck, I got what you need.
  • If the cops ask, you didn't get it here, ok?
  • Best not to mention where you bought that, ok?
  • I didn't sell you this, right?
  • Hope you kick some ass.
  • Works well in a crowded area.
  • The choice of the professional.
  • The revolution is coming.
  • There are occultists everywhere, friend.

Airport entrance security guard

  • Only people who are holding a pilot license can enter.
  • Sorry, pilots only
  • (When CJ approach/goes near the security guard) Pilot are looking younger these days
  • (When CJ approach/goes near the security guard) They give a pilot liscence to anybody these days.

Radio

K-DST

DJ Tommy "The Nightmare" Smith (Axl Rose)

  • You've got a choice in life: Rock 'n roll or classical. If you had to think about that for more than the time it took you to steal your sister's hairspray, switch stations... please.
  • Who says rock is dead? No one in this morgue, that's for sure!
  • You know what Tommy "Nightmare" Smith will have on his gravestone when he dies: "I got run over by the Grand Funk Railroad."
  • San Andreas... gotta love it. Move here for the weather, but they hide the sun under a cloud of pollution. Look, I like to smoke as much as the next man, but you're supposed to hold the smoke in!
  • "Young hearts be free tonight." Love that track; it's like opera, only quicker and without all the fat Italians.
  • This is the station that's all about music and commercials... but here's more music. [pause] God, I feel like a whore!
  • I've been wearing leather pants for seventeen years now, non-stop. Think about that for a second, and ask yourself: Can we still be friends?
  • [interrupting Barracuda by Heart] JESUS, did someone screw her mother?
  • I tell you what, I really can't bear that chick on... what is it, Radio X, Rock X, Rock...? Look, sweetheart, get over it.
  • When I die, I want "exhume at your own risk" put on my gravestone; y'know what I mean? And if not, you're probably an asshole!
  • I just washed my sports car! [pause] Only joking; it got repossessed, and I left seafood in the trunk.
  • My girlfriend once said, "If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?" [inhales] I said, "What's your name again, honey?"

Entertaining America

Lazlow: "Welcome to Entertaining America, this is Lazlow...heh, I gotta say it, pardon me, but, uh, don't call it a comeback. I've been here for years, just unemployed. But, I'm back, running the media. God I love the west coast vibe. Everybody here's so laid back and lazy... I'm here with a man who gets paid to talk for a living. It's incredible, what a concept! Um, he's called a, 'rapper.' Oglock, how are ya'?"
OG Loc: "'Oglock'!? It's OG Loc! OG Loc! Ya' hear me, playa'?"
Lazlow: "Yes, of course, I hear you. You're only a few feet away, man. Listen, I'm a big fan, I-I love rap, I-I think. I mean, singing songs about yourself, that's awesome! H-ho-how you livin'?"
Loc: "Straight."
Lazlow: "Really? Are you really straight?"
Loc: "What? You gonna question me?"
Lazlow: "Dude! It's cool. If somebody passes it to me, I don't ask questions, it's probably not laced anyway. So, who out there wants to talk to OG Loc? Caller, you're on Entertaining America."
Caller: "I love the way you rap about the Lousiana Purchase."
Loc: "Straight!"
Caller: "You know the French sold us Louisiana so we would have a place to show our tits."
Loc: "My point exactly! Yeah! We need more naked liberty!"
Lazlow: "Exactly. Look, I-I'm no rapper, even though I dress like one, but I think I could really get into, y'know, gettin' hammered, singing about setting things on fire, shooting up funerals, badabababa! You know... Striking poses, smoking a lid..."
Loc: "Exactly. You see, the Constitution, was written on reefer, by a dude with wooden teeth. You see, my clothing company, low down, homie-the-g says this: I love reefer! It's the rule if you're a rapper."
Lazlow: "Wow, those sound like some great rules. You know, you get a lot of flack in the media these days, at a recent press conference, your manager came to your defense."
Big Smoke: "A lot of people say gangster rap is misogynistic posturing by fake-ass idiots who spend more time in drama school then they ever did pimping or hustling dope. Well I assure you, OG Loc is the real thing. He's hated women all his life, he sold drugs to school children, he's murdered innocent people just for kicks, but he rhymes like an angel. And I assure you, it's all in a good cause. So either way, you could feel good about yourself listening to this music."
Lazlow: "Well that was very informative. Big Smoke is doing a lot for the community, or to it. He sounds like a great guy. So I wanna get in on this rap thing. Do I have to breakdance, y'know, do the windmill? Hey, can you body pop?"
Loc: "Come on Lazlow, you know OG ain't no playboy. I ain't down with that shit. It ain't gangster. I walk the walk, you know what I'm saying?"
Lazlow: "Fresh! Yo, I'm down! I'm into walking too, but, I was thinking maybe we could have a break-off. I could spin on my back..."
Loc: "You bein' funny?"
Lazlow: "I'm tryin' to be."
Loc: "Watch it, fool. I warn you, I got the streets. I got a rep. Me and my man Smoke, we took over. I've been gangbanging since I was three. Ice-cold killa!"
Lazlow: "Excuse me? Gangbanging!? I never understood that, I mean, other guys in the room while you're-ugh!"
Loc: "I'm ice-cold bitch! Don't make me dump on you, g! I'm the streets man, I am gangsta! I'm taking rap in a whole new direction. For now, it's about making words rhyme, and I'm going toe-to-toe with you in a minute."
Lazlow: "Why do you rappers get so worked up? You're rich. You've won. Stop shooting at each other. You know, and you keep saying, 'I'm from the streets.' Well you know what dude, everyone has a street in front of their house, that doesn't make you cool."
Loc: "Oh, we got a comedian, huh? You got scraps, huh, bitch? You down? You mark-ass-bitch-punk-trick-busta'-fool?"
Lazlow: "Look, I don't know what you said, but I think this ought to calm you down, I brought you some malt liquor."
Loc: "You'se a busta-fool. Lucky I don't hang you out the window or churn you out, 'cause I'm also a pimp. Including dudes, I'll pimp anything. You hear me?"
Lazlow: "Oh, dude, I hear you loud and clear, you will pimp anything. Listen, how many hot women need a man? 'Cause, I mean, it's kinda been a dream of mine to sleep with housewives."
Loc: "ARE-YOU-DISSIN'-MY-HOS-BITCH!?"
Lazlow: "Uh, no no no, dude, your hos are bitches, your hos are bitches!"
Loc: "You a busta'. What are you?"
Lazlow: "I'm a buster, I'm a buster! Whatever that is. Dude, put the gun away!"
Loc: "Don't diss my strap!"
Lazlow: "I love your strap, you're a great guy. Look, I'm just coming down off the eighties. Please, don't shoot me, homie!"
Loc: "Relax, fool! No one's gettin' dumped on. I'm a warrior poet. I tell a coercionary tale about life on the streets, you know?"
Lazlow: "Only too well. That was OG Loc. Hey man, it's been a real pleasure.
(Lazlow and Loc slap hands in the background)
Straight. Yeah. Good luck with the music. Hope you make a killing. We'll see you next time, maybe I'll get to take some callers, like I want, if WCTR wasn't holding me back. Man. This has been Entertaining America, with Lazlow. Peace and chicken grease.
Announcer: "So that's how you're going to be entertained."

Dialogue

DJ: This is the nightmare line; tell me your nightmares, people, and maybe I'll tell you mine. [to caller] Hello, you're on K-DST.
Caller: Yeah, I got a funny nightmare.
DJ: Shoot.
Caller: I'm in hell, right, and the devil has all these awful tragedies for people, like murderers getting murdered and politicians getting lied to. I had to spend all my time listening to your old records. My God, you were crap; you really sucked.
DJ: Very funny. Tell that to the record company; these guys are living large because of me. Every second in life matters; you can cry about the miscarriage or keep drinking. Rock on!

Radio X (By DJ Sage, voiced by Jodie Shawback)

  • God, I love grays! It's like a color not dedicated to one side yet, it's still figuring out who it is. [Short moment of music playing] So there is a pretty good chance you can sleep with it!
  • Alright, this is Sage the modern day allegory or is it alligorie? Doesn't matter , I'm Sage, I pronounce things how i want.
  • Epic Soundgarden, plant one in your closet. I broke out of my rusty cage a long time ago, and ran... of course that was a Mental Hospital. I'm bulimic.. Would someone please just sleep with me?
  • Faith No More on the X; Midlife Crisis; its a good thing I'll never hit one of those... That's what suicide is for...
  • I want this played at my funeral, very loud, while everyone cries 'cos i'm dead. How does that make you feel, Bill? I want my freakin' CD's back!
  • My father's rich, but that hasn't affected my lazy outlook on life.
  • I have so much pain, you couldn't possibly understand... unless you tried sleeping with me.
  • Hello, I'm Sage, and yes, that is my real name and if you don't believe me, you can go fuck yourself!
  • Isn't that a great song? So much better than cartoons. I hate cartoons! They're so stupid and cheery. Life is not cheery.
  • Don't forget, each weekend we meet in the park and watch German expressionist silent films projected onto a tree. Things that are foreign are so meaningful.
  • You know, now that I think about it, they should just start killing people when they turn 29. They're going to be reincarnated anyway so who cares?
  • Good morning, San Andreas! The baby boom is officially over. You are all irrelevant. Now die.
  • You think you can stop the revolution? Heads are gonna roll. And i'm talking specifically about that bitch at the record store.
  • The Mode are up next with "Personal Jesus". It's funny 'cause I found one. And I think it's me.
  • You know, I don't think any of these bands are on a major label. You can't even buy their records. You can only hear them here on this station. God, we're so alternative!
  • God, I stink. I had both of my armpits tattoed, and the doctor said I cant shower for two weeks!
  • If these drugs don't kick in soon, I'm going to have to get my money back!
  • You coundn't understand me, you can't understand me. You're too old.
  • [Just after she has picked the phone up] Hello, this is Sage. What is your name?

Guy on phone - Well it's deffinetly not Sage. What a stupid name. Maybe I should have a name like that so I can be on the radio.

  • I'm ssso hot for Scottish guys. Guys in skirts... very alternative!

K Rose

  • It's not a car, it's an iron horse with a drinking problem!
  • Barefoot and pregnant again! Just like my daddy. You're on K Rose.
  • I can play the hermonica and sing at the same time. I just put it under my pants.
  • K Rose! Because if you find yourself spending more time with your animals than your wife, you'll have a lonely heart... and a nasty infection!
  • (While a harmonica sounds, and singing) It feels so gooood with a harmooonica under my paaaants!
  • Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Otherwise, they'll have fantasies involving a ham, a tractor, and a pair of twins. Oh, my poor ex-husband.
  • Cheating people always sing about it! Learn to keep your trap shut! I stand by my men. They're all dead though.
  • You know how to keep your babies from growing up to be cowboys? Make them a castratto! My boys sing real good.
  • (After playing "All My Exes Live In Texas") All my exes are six feet under the ground. That's the difference. I've never been divorced... just frequently widowed. I have a lot of black clothe.

WCTR

Gardening With Maurice

  • [outro] I'm Maurice, until next time, dig a hole, and plant yourself!
Maurice: Well why don't you just go buy your vegetables at the grocery store then you sycophant? God I just don't understand people!
Maurice's mother: You go to hell!
Maurice: Well, screw you too mom! See you you're ever on the show again!
  • It's called amorphaphallus titanium! God, I love to say that! Amorphaphallus titanium! The sound of it gives me a redwood in my khakis! If I come back as a superhero, I wanna be called that!
  • [after receiving a comment from a caller] Oh, yes! Listen honey, I should know. When you look like a train wreck, you do need a little make-up or something. You sound like a lonely spinster with two pussies.....cats!
  • Maurice: Pesticides! Exploring damp gopher holes! My new walk-in closet! What's on your mind about gardening?
Caller#1: Tubers, and root vegetables!
Maurice: [under his breath] Oh, god! Not you again!
Caller#1: Is it ok to cut the eyes outta the potato and eat it?
Maurice: [sarcastically] Well, why don't I come over and cut your eyes out and eat you?! What a silly question! If you purchase the "Gardening With Maurice" calendar, it's in the August section! Next caller
Caller#2: Yeah, I bought that calendar, but on every page, you're naked and in a different garden! And the guys at work make fun of me!
Maurice: Well listen, if you're ashamed of your human body, then keep your clothes on! I am blossoming in the pictures and I wanted to capture them on film, but I happen to be proud of my human body as much I am proud of my flowers. When they're blossoming, I like to take pictures of them. When I'm blossoming, I like to take pictures of it! Next caller!
  • [after receiving a comment from a caller] Well, look! You've grown something, little miniature idiots like you! Move outta the desert you moron!
  • You morons in this town are spreading like weeds! Like little bastard dandelions! I wish I could just pop every one of your goddamn heads off!

Tight End Zone

  • Now it's time for something really important! Fat men talking about games they don't really understand played by people they don't know!
  • [at the beginning of the show] Whoops! Think, I just... shit my pants!
  • Sometimes I wish I had a wife so she could beat me!
  • That's why I never got into rodeo man, I mean, why would you ride a bull, go find a big girl! They... they could use the attention.
  • I've been handing out petitions that say 'Support the team, don't leave the game, pee at your seat!
  • Soccer fans, go home! We don't want you here! Your game is terrible, and we don't win at it! Next caller...
  • I've had a great life, even if my uncle did come into my room late at night, drunk, and ugh! Anyway...
  • Grab your balls and run because someone gonna pin you on the ground and give it up the you-know-where!
  • When I was a kid there was only three things sports that mattered: football, baseball and killing communists!
  • The Wolves, they play football as if they care!
  • [caller] Oh, look at me, I can jump really high! Great, I gotta gun. Wanna fight?
  • [to caller] Hey, Derrick Thackory don't shit on no one! But, uh, I like to piss on my seat and at my seat too! Not really on it, so stay outta the way!

The Wild Traveler

James Pedeaston:[after being stonewalled by the caller] Ugh... Where are you?
Caller: I'm on a cliff.
James Pedeaston: How romantic!
Caller: I wanna jump!
James Pedeaston: Oh, I know what you mean. Jump into the unknown... Anyway, where are you?
Caller: Verdant Bluffs.
James Pedeaston: Loathsome place, I'd jump if I were you...
Caller: I wanna go to hell!
James Pedeaston: Me too! Buy a refrigerator magnet when you get there...Moving on with the show.

[citing a paragraphs of his journal on air]

James Pedeaston: Abringa took me deep......Into jungle. Being my guide in pleasure as well as traveling. We hunted each other in game, very similar to the ancient game of "Kiss, Chase"... Oh wrong one.
James Pedeaston: Abringa has left me... Oh, I miss him so. Why does this happen to me!...HELL! WRONG BIT AGAIN! Where is the page about watching the elephants mate and it being extremely disturbing as well as making me somewhat jealous. For both parties! HEY! Has someone been stealing pages out of my journal!? My producer is jealous. He keeps stealing my stuff and lending it to people. Last time he said that government agents wanted to look at it. What a load of trash.

[after getting annoyed by several fake callers]

James Pedeaston: Who's on the line...
Caller: I want to talk about a great holiday!
James Pedeaston: [unimpressed] ... Holiday? You mean vacation. We call it vacation.


James Pedeaston: And we have another caller, say, whats on your mind?
Caller: You never talk about America. You live here, America rules you commie! EAT ME!
James Pedeaston: ... Well, we've been trying. Moving on with the show, anyone?

Area 53

  • Why would we worry about a chemical that, the government, puts into the water? Animals can now be trained to fly, including several species of birds, think about the military applications.
  • [after receiving a comment from one caller] If people could please, just attempt to make sense? That's all I'm asking. Last night, as I was laying in my pod meditating and it occurred to me why are you even listening to me! Turn off all electrical devices including your radio!
  • Is your child really an alien, has the future already happened SOMEWHERE else...?
  • Did the government recruit school children to beat you up in school? Are goldfish really communist spies?
  • [after receiving a comment from a caller] Look! It's good for the economy to live in constant fear! I mean, the phone company, they have your name on the bill, they know your number! How do you feel about that?
  • [after receiving a comment from a caller] I want you to take off your blouse! Stand at the window, stand there each night! Lure him in! Trapping rogue spirits is dangerous work, especially topless! Take lots of photographs!
  • I was wondering when my career would hit bottom and now it's here, right before my eyes! [disgusted laugh]
  • [after receiving a comment from one caller] I tell you whats makes me feel icky, the fact that I haven't washed in two months! Ugghhhh! Whatever you do, trust nobody!
  • I hear what you're saying about video games, people are dying everyday of malaria. It's because of the messages planted in our minds from that Degenatron in the 80's.
  • (female voice) You're leaving Area 53. Check your Rectum.
  • [after receiving a comment from one caller] What?! Well, he probably wants you to leave him alone! Get a real hobby, like pretending to be somebody on TV!

I Say, You Say

Mary:When you take the worst qualities of an elephant and a donkey, you get a lot of shit.
Mary: (to Peyton) get to the 10-Step program!
Peyton: That's 12 steps!
May: Yeah, you only deserved ten!
Peyton: I'm appalled of you Mary Phillips!
Mary: Ugghhh...WHY?
Peyton: Because that man has a garden full of corpses, and you're talking about money laundering!
Mary: YES! It's a great opportunity for some profit centric thinking!
Peyton: You've passed up a wonderful time to talk about recycling and organ DONATION!
Mary: (to caller) Yeah, maybe you should keep your finger outta your throat and eat a donut! Ninety-nine percent of the world wake up every morning and eat dirt, and queen puke-a-lot here can't keep a meal down? Boo hoo, what do you expect? Sympathy? This is Los Santos, people would give their right arm and left leg to live here. It's paradise but you have to suffer to belong. If you can't take the heat, get out of the nuclear reactor!

Pedestrians

Driver (when route is blocked by player): Not now! I gotta take a dump!
Some woman: Aliens are talking to me on my car radio.
Same woman^^: My car moves itself while I go shopping.
Driver: You're like my asshole! Always holding up shit!
Driver: Don't make me get out my seat!
Driver: Don't make me kick your ass!
Driver: Don't make me make myself move!
Tough Gangster (pedestrian in blue hood clothes: (when looking at a corpse) This just puts me in the mood
Homeboy: Be careful, the popo be watchin
Homeboy: You know what road rage is

Dialogues

Carl: Hey, baby. What some company?
Big Smoke: (Inside th buiding to Carl's right)Motherfucker!!

OG Loc: Yo! Check it! It's OG Loc in the place, you don't want me come with a gun in yo' face!
Man: (after getting out of the bathroom stall) Yo, that shit sucks! Damn!

OG Loc: I want you to take that motherfucker out!
Carl: (whisper) KILL him?
OG Loc: Well I ain't mean date him...

Smoke: You've picked the wrong house, fool!
Carl: Big Smoke! It's me, Carl! Chill, chill!
Smoke: CJ? Oh, my dog! Whassup? (hugs Carl) Hey, baby, you okay, man?
Carl: No, man, it's my Moms, homie...
Smoke: I don't know why this had to happen, but I promise you, I'm going to find out who killed your moms!

(Carl enters Ryder's house)
Ryder: Hey, man, what you want?
Carl: Seeing my homie. What's up with you?
Ryder: Yeah, homie, yeah yeah. It's good to see you back.
Carl: No homie love? No hug?
Ryder: Oh, for sure, for sure my nigga, my bad. (hugs Carl)

Ryder: I can drive as well as CJ, man. I'm telling you. (to CJ) Hey, homie, wassup?
Carl: What you saying about me, fool?
Ryder: I'm saying that the East Coast made you drive like an idiot, fool! Man, you always crashin' cars and shit. And for some reason now you back, all it is, 'CJ drive here, CJ drive there'. Bullshit!

B-Dup: Who the fuck is it? (opens the door; to Carl) CJ? What the fuck you want? Get the fuck outta here!
Carl: Hold up, man. What happened to 4 life, nigga?
B-Dup: The only thing that matters is the hood, homie, but you'll never understand what getting this money is like. You know what, man? Get the fuck outta here I'll be laying on your back. (to Big Bear) Big Bear, come check this fool.
Carl: Hey, Bear? Big Bear, that's you? Hey, you're still from the hood, homie, or what?
B-Dup: Nah, the only thing Bear give a fuck about is smoking and keeping my house clean. Ain't that right, Big Bear?
Big Bear: Hell yeah.
B-Dup: Hell yeah what?
Big Bear: Hell yeah, sir!
B-Dup: Now go make that motherfucking toilet sparkle.
Carl: Come On Bear let's go.
Big Bear: Some people like to party sometimes CJ. I'll see you around.
B-Dup: Stay the fuck from around here...punk!
Carl: Hey, nigga, fuck you! (Carl and Ryder leaves B-Dup's apartment)

(Sweet and Kendl arguing in Sweet's house at the start of the Cesar Vialpando mission)
Sweet Johnson: I'm tired of you not listening to me, girl!
Kendl Johnson: And I'm tired of you acting like you own me. I can see who I want to see.
Sweet: It just ain't right you seeing some cholo motherfucker.
Kendl: Ohh, what - a no good narrow minded hypocrite gangbanger telling me what is right and what is wrong. Let me guess, Sweet - senseless killing right, but a boyfriend from the Southside, wrong?
Sweet: Some things ain't just meant to happen. I mean what if y'all have kids. Leroy Hernandez? That don't sound good, girl.
Kendl: His name ain't Hernandez.
Sweet: Well, Leroy Lopez then.
Kendl: Or Lopez, either, you racist fuck! That ain't how Moms raised us.
Sweet: I ain't racist. I just know how they feel about you. And look at you, you dressed like a hooker!
Kendl: You two would know what a hooker looks like.
Carl Johnson: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Sweet and Kendl: Shut up, Carl!
Sweet: I'm just trying to protect you-
Kendl: For what-So I can what, date one of your mindless friends?- I don't think so!
Sweet: Don't say a word Carl. Just follow your sister before you see another dead sibling then you know exactly what my problem is. She's meeting him at some cholo car club.

Sweet: Yeah, you know Jeffrey's been somebody's bitch for the past three weeks, right?
Smoke: Yeah, I know.
Carl: Hey!
Sweet: Hey, wassup, CJ?
Smoke: Wassup, man? Wanna go to prison?
Carl: What?
Sweet: Nah... To pick up Jeffrey, he's touching down today. Wanna roll?
Carl: Yeah, for sure. What's Jeffrey doing locked up anyway?
Smoke: We'll talk about that later, man. Let's roll. We're late.

Smoke: Hey, CJ, baby, wassup, man?
Carl: What's happenin', Smoke?
Smoke: Chillin'. Wanna go for a ride?
Carl: Yeah.
Smoke: We're going downtown.
Carl: A'ight.

Carl: Hey, Ryder? What the hell you doing?
Ryder: Nigga, I couldn't find the wet I buried so I'm making my own. It's easy, fool.
Carl: Don't do that! You'll saute the both of us!
Tenpenny: Morning, boys.
Ryder: Man, who you calling a boy, fool?
Tenpenny: What should I call you? Midget?
Pulaski: What about prick?
Tenpenny: Prick...
Pulaski: Yeah, prick works.
Ryder: Man, fuck you.
Tenpenny: (pushes Ryder) Bitch, get outta here.

Carl: Hey, Ryder! This nigga's loaded... Ryder!
Ryder: Yeahhhh, CJ... Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.
Carl: Because you've been dealing with drugs, man, since the age of ten.
Ryder: No, that ain't it.
Carl: Because you went and put hands on that teacher for wearing Balla colors.
Ryder: No, that ain't either. It's 'cause I'm too intelligent for this shit, man. I'm the real deal, fool. Oh yeah. A genius.

Carl: Hey, s'cuse me, Loc around here?
Burger Shot Employee: Who? You want fries with that?
Carl: Loc, is he available for coh-mun-ni-kay-shun?
Burger Shot Employee: Who? Loc? Oh, you mean Jeffrey! Yeah, our Appliance Technician called in sick so Jeff- LOC, he got promoted.
Carl: So?
Burger Shot Employee: So, he's back out cleaning the friers.

Tenpenny: (to Hernandez) Move over and let him sit down, asshole! (to Carl) So you have finally have time to drop by.
Carl: Man, I've been busy. I've been burying my Moms, man.
Pulaski: Sounds like a fucking excuse to me.
Tenpenny: Officer Pulaski thinks you're trying to screw with us, Carl.

Pulaski: Carl!
Carl: Damn!
Pulaski: Where you're off to?
Carl: Shit!
Tenpenny: Where you running off to, Carl? I thought we were friends!
Carl: Yeah, whatever.
Tenpenny: As an officer in charge of putting an end to gang violence, I find myself in a difficult moral position, Carl.
Carl: Yeah, right.
Tenpenny: Carl, I'm hurt, I truly am. And I was just about to help those poor Grove Street boys.
Carl: Oh, yeah, how?
Tenpenny: I like your status quo, Carl. I like having you dumb bastards doing your job for me - blowing each other's guts all over the sidewalk.
Carl: Dumb bastards?
Tenpenny: Now, if it's brought to my attention that one tribe gets an unfair advantage over another, that truly troubles me, Carl.
Carl: So, what you saying, man?
Tenpenny: I'm saying that the Ballas have brains, Carl, they watch the news. I'm saying they're making friends, cutting deals, and tooling up for more than half-assed drive-by's. Lots of cheap guns coming to America since the fall of the wall, Carl.
Carl: Man, cut that bullshit, Tenpenny - just say what you mean, man?
Tenpenny: Go check out a busy freight warehouse down the docklands and you'll see what I mean, Carl.
Carl: Yeah, OK.
Pulaski: Y'all take care, now!
Carl: For sure.

Carl: You fucking sick motherfucker!
Tenpenny: Intimidate those who intimidate others, Carl. It's my job. Right, Ed?
Carl: Hey, man, where we at?
Tenpenny: The middle of fucking nowhere. Nice, clean air.
Carl: Fucking Smoke! Oh, Sweet!
Tenpenny: Sweet is alive. Alive and inside. He's in a prison hospital being treated for gunshot wounds, awaiting trial.
Pulaski: Yeah, somehow, nobody's caught you yet.
Tenpenny: Oh yeah, you should be glad, Carl. Your moron brother's alive. Your street trash, soon turned out to be sister's alive. And, she is only sucking one greaseball's dick. Things are going pretty well for you, Carl. So behave, nigga.
Pulaski: We want you to do another favor for us, Carl.
Carl: I can't believe that nigga Smoke turned on me.
Pulaski: Smoke? Smoke does exactly he's told. He learned that lesson a long time ago!
Carl: Hey, man, take it easy!
Tenpenny: Yeah, homies for life? Street loyalty? That's all bullshit, Carl. Didn't you learned that when they ran you out of town just 'cause you let Brian die? Huh?! Eddie, I can't deal with this guy! He's an idiot!

Kendl: Then, make it into a garage.
Carl: Oh, that's a great idea, sis! Why don't you shut up?
Kendl: You know what, Carl, you are a fucking idiot. Your whole life you've wanted something from nothing. Now you've got something, and you don't know what to do with it. Well, make it good enough. We'll help, right?
Cesar: We got your back, CJ.
Kendl: C'mon, stop tripping. Both of you.

Kendl: Hey, we're almost living a normal life, huh. This is far from Grove Street, right?
Carl: Yeah, I know, but I just can't get it out of the back of my mind. Moms, Sweet, Smoke - I just can't let that go.
Kendl: I know. So, what we going to do about Sweet?
Carl: It's a shitty situation but I've got to let it play out a little longer, ok?
Kendl: Ok, but be careful. We ain't trying to lose you again.
Carl: That's right, sis - good looking out.

Jizzy B.: See, baby, I got everything... Mink sheets... Mink coats... Mink curatains in the window. When I walk down the stairs, I'm walking down on... Mink carpet. (sees Carl) Now, who's this trick? I don't need no more friends, baby. All they try to do is peel me from my hos.
Carl: No, no, it ain't about them. It's all about you, playa. I heard you was the man with the hook up, and you was the man I needed to see. I'm offering my services.
Jizzy B.: Say what?
Carl: Yes, sir. See, I'm new in town. Anything you want, I can do. For a guy like me, to work with, to work FOR, a guy like Jizzy B.. well...
Jizzy B.: Now that you mention it, I do have a slight problem. Something a little dumb muscle like yourself might be able to fix. Cause you see me, I'm an intellectual. (to the girls) Bitches, y'all walk down to the bar and fix a pimp a drink. (to Carl) See, I only got two eyes, and on these streets you got to have more than that. You got to be like a fly on shit, you know? A hundred eyes, everywhere. Now, some lunatic been fucking with my bitches. Motherfucker killed two last week. I want you... Go find out.

Jizzy B.: Now just listen to me, OK? Now it's very important that you listen to me. I ain't no retard, amigo. What you think? What, what, what you and Mike think - I'm just a pretty face to y'all? Is that y'all game? (Carl arrives) Now, this here is the dumb muscle I was talking about. Carl, T-Bone, and in reverse.
Carl: Wassup?
T-Bone Mendez: Horales, ese.
Jizzy B.: Don't mind him, we go way back.
T-Bone Mendez: Hey, holmes, don't be such a pinche liability.
Jizzy B.: Liability? Liability for what? Now, there's three of us and I'm getting 20%. What kind of math is that? That's fool's math, playa! You and Mike. I'd sell my soul to you guys, and that's what it's going to come down to, huh? Screwing out of my 13%!
T-Bone Mendez: You knew the deal. You agreed. Besides, we could have said 5%, and what would you...?
Jizzy B.: And what what what?! Cat got your tongue? You as bad at talking as you is at mathematics?
T-Bone Mendez: Hey, you want to make this shit personal, ese?

Jizzy B.: T-Bone! Pump your brakes, baby. Take a chill pill, and just lay back and let the red mist fall, brother!
T-Bone Mendez: Hey, holmes, open your eyes, dog. Can't you see we're getting messed with there, holmes?
Jizzy B.: Hey, partner! T-Bone, look, it's Carl! Now, he's a real hero out there. See? We still good.
T-Bone Mendez: What, are you vatos stupid? Someone's on to us. We need to go back and rethink.
Carl: I think they was just trying their luck.

Jizzy B.: C... C'mon, man. Hey, I get it wrong, you know? I'm imperfect - you know, like... hey. Not a kind man. Not a wise man, you know. Not a smart man, but Dear Lord, I tried!
Carl: No, you fucked up when you trusted me, playa!
Jizzy B.: Come on, baby. I... I... But... But...
Carl: (grabs Jizzy B.) You ass-seller, yay pushing, piece of shit trash! (pushes Jizzy B.)
Jizzy B.: Oh, lord! Whatchoo waiting for on, huh? Somebody cap this nigga, man!

Carl: Man, what you all want this time?
Tenpenny: What we want is to keep our jobs in peace without some damn liberal poking his nose into affairs he won't understand.
Carl: The press on to y'all?
Pulaski: What the hell do you know about it, boy?
Tenpenny: Woah. Easy there, Eddie, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Some young journalist out there is trying to get a name for himself.
Pulaski: He doesn't know how the streets work that he's supposed to report what he's supposed to report.
Tenpenny: Yeah, anyway, we need you to shut him up for us.
Pulaski: And that stoolie - shut him up too!
Tenpenny: Yeah, there's some reporter who's digging up dirt on Pulaski, we don't know who's talking, but we know that the reporter's meeting him today.
Pulaski: (giving Carl a newspaper) Take care of him.
Tenpenny: Oh, this is nice place... Carl.

Carl: Hey, Ryder, sherm-head asshole, where you think you're going?
Ryder: C... can't stop me...
Cesar: He's headed for those boats!
Carl: Don't worry about it. I got this.

Cesar: Carl! You're the fucking hero down in LS, I just spoke to my cousin.
Carl: Not wit' my people I ain't. Shit's still fucked up. Man, I got homies I used to run with that turn their back on me, over this.
Cesar: Yeah, well, what are you going to do, huh?
Carl: Fucking Ryder man! That was my homie. And I've killed him!
Cesar: Fucking midget deserved it, eh. Little asshole tried to bang your sister (Kendl), you know that?

Ryder: Give up the money! This a raid!
Pizza Co. Employee:(annoyed) Ryder! Not this again!
Ryder: It ain't me, fool!
Pizza Co. Employee: No one else is that small! I feel sorry for your dad!

Carl: I'm sure you gotta find some way to keep your badge. Your kind always do.
Tenpenny: You still don't get it, do you, Carl? This ain't about keeping some fucking badge!

Pulaski: Where's Hernandez with that fucking meat? He's been gone too long, Tenpenny.
Carl: Getting a little edgy, fellas? (Tenpenny punches Carl in the stomach and Carl falls to the ground)
Tenpenny: How do you like that, you piece of shit? That give any idea how edgy I am?

Smoke: Like it says in the book... we are both blessed and cursed.
Carl: (awkward pause) What fuckin' book?

Toreno: Hey, Carl!
Carl: What the fuck, man! Hey, Toreno, I told you my bad, man. What the hell can I say? I screwed you over.
Toreno: Calm down, kid.
Carl: Just go ahead and kill me then!
Toreno: Calm down!
Carl: Man, you ain't nothin' but a fucking yayo dealer anyway, Toreno.
Toreno: Shut up and sit down! What, you think I'm a drug dealer? You think you're a crusader for a good? Do you have any idea whatsoever? Any idea whatsoever? Do you? DO YOU?
Carl: No, I pay as little attention to things as possible.
Toreno: Don't be a fucking smartass with me! I work for a goverment agency. It's not important which one. I will try not to confuse you. Yes, when we last met, I was involved in battling threats in Latin America BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. That doesn't make me a drug dealer. Now the money we raised, the friends we won over, had helped use with out overseas interests.
Carl: Government agency?
Toreno: Kids like you. You expect heroes. We're fighting a war out there. I'll be a hero and I'll lose and what'll we have? Communism in Ohio. People sharing. Nobody buying stuff. That kind of bullshit. So relax, and listen.

Toreno: Carl, I need you to do me a favor...
Carl: Yeah, I'll give you a proper injury. What do you know about my brother?
Toreno: Relax. He's in prison up state, D-wing. Cell 13. To the left, I got a child killer, who wants to rip his throat out. To the right of him, I got a white supremecist, who wants to eat his heart out, to be precise. Now don't worry. Tenpenny and Pulaski are really relatively benign unless of course you're a family member of Office Pendleberry whom they shot when he threatened to expose them. But you do know about that, right?
Carl: Damn! Hey, how do you know all this stuff, man, and won't you stop it?
Toreno: You just don't understand, do you, kid? Look, it's all white knights and heroes. We have to make decisions, kid. You know, I tried to set bad people on other bad people. And sometimes, I let good guys die. He's your brother, but to me, he's just collateral. It's a very delicate decision.

(Toreno enters Madd Dogg's mansion as he interrupts Carl's phone call)
Carl: Toreno, fuck you. I almost lost my life out there for you.
Toreno: I just one tiny little thing for you to do, then I'm out of your life forever.
Carl: You know what? (pulls a gun and points it at Toreno's face) I'm getting tired of your fucking little jobs!
Toreno: Oh, will you stop? This is pathetic. Come on, you're embarassing yourself. Come on, put it down. Don't be ridiculous, ok?

Tenpenny: Oh Carl, try not to kill any more respected police officers. Please?
Pulaski: Crime has certainly gone up since you got back, kid.
Carl: Just doing my part for the community.

Tenpenny: Hey Carl keepin' busy I hope.
Carl: You know me Officer Tenpenny.
Tenpenny: Yeah I know you Carl, I know everything about you.
Carl:(under his breath) Don't touch me. get you pig hands off me.
Tenpenny: That's right Carl, I got my eye on you.
Carl: And! like I give a fuck.
Pulaski: Yeah we're watching you, Carl.
Carl: Motherfucker!

Carl: No problem man, but they only toys.
Zero: They're not toys! They're just smaller!

Carl: Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Cesar: Why you keep asking me that, holmes?

Carl: Hey, Madd Dogg! Whatchoo doing up there, fool?
Madd Dogg: Do I know you? I don't think so, so shut the fuck up! This is the end! It's over! Wuh - woah! Ohhh... (loses balance)
Carl: No, Dogg, get a grip, dude, get a grip, you still got it! You still gangsta!
Madd Dogg: I don't give a fuck no more! My manager got killed, some asshole stole my rhyme book. Shit is rough. All the kids like this "Loc OG" or whatever the fuck his name is. Some fake ass gangster rapper bullshit. Liquor's my only friend. Woah oh! Shit. (loses balance)
Carl: Come on, Dogg! You just gonna need a new manager, baby, you're looking at him!
Madd Dogg: I hate y'all.
Carl: Just come in off that ledge, man!

Madd Dogg: Man, that fake-ass LOC!
Carl: Loc? But he's terrible!
Madd Dogg: Motherfucker... I knew there's something familiar about these rhymes he was kicking. They're from my rhyme book! That's my money! And those are my 'hos! And that's my video he's shooting today.
Carl: Ok, I say we make a cameo apperance. Just drop in, unannounced.
Madd Dogg: Yeah, that's gangsta.

Woozie: Couldn't we have done this in my office?
Carl: You gotta have a secret place to plan shit like this, that's just how is done!
Woozie: OK, OK, I see where you're coming from. So, what do we do?
Carl: I guess we got to make a plan.
Woozie: Speaking of plans, do you have the layout to Caligula's Casino.
Carl: Shit. No. I guess I gotta go get one.
Woozie: Meeting adjourned?
Carl: Meeting adjourned.

Carl: Now, I know you're blind, man, but you gotta see this.
Woozie: Very clever. So what's our prognosis? Is this gonna be extremely difficult or next-to-impossible?
Carl: Hear me out on this, homie. Alright, the cash room is on the bottom level. There's a bunch of rooms and a tunnel under the whole building with access to the casino floors at either end of the complex. Alright? Now, security consists of CCTV, a keycode access, and, in places, a swipe card.
Woozie: Hey, are you pointing again?
Carl: Oh, my bad - habit.
Woozie: Ah, don't worry; it's good practice when we finally get a crew in on this.
Carl: Yeah, I know.
Suzie: Hey, boss, this arrived for CJ.
Carl: Hey, hey hey hey! Damn, man - now he's seen the plans!
Woozie: Well, then we have our first recruit. (to Suzie) Come on in and shut the door.
Carl: Alright, cool. This is a security card reader that Zero's sent over.

Carl: Alright, here's the plan. It's all about the art of deception. While I get as much heat on me as possible, y'all get away with the green.
Zero: Question: how does the Mafia normally move the cash out of Caligula's?
Carl: Bingo! Stripes for Mr. Zero here!
Mechanic: Ha hey! Good job, you little ass kisser.
Carl: So, we're going to steal ourselves an armored van and re-spray it so it looks like one of thier regular trucks.
Suzie: What about the police escorts? Whenever they move cash, they use motorcycles as outriders.

Carl: OK, we got the bikes. And Woozie's taken care of the uniforms. Now, we just gotta get an armored van and re-spray it with the Caligula's Casino logo.
Woozie: Why don't we steal one while it's on its rounds? That way, we could get some money too.
Carl: No, I don't want to get the crew caught up in some street level jacking - it could get ugly.
Zero: I... I have an idea? Um... Have you ever seen those helicopters they used to lift heavy loads?
Suzie: Yeah, they call 'em 'sky cranes'. We could lift the whole truck and take them to someplace safe.
Woozie: Then, we need to steal a sky crane. Unfortunately, I'm not a pilot.

Zero: Berkley is back!
Carl: Oooh! Berkley. Who the fuck is Berkley?
Zero: Just a man I once beat in fair competition. A man literally obsessed with revenge.
Carl: Oh, you put hands on him?
Zero: No, please, I never initiate violence.
Carl: Oh, I know, you knocked his bitch!
Zero: No, I won the prize in the science fair. First prize, that is.
Carl: And now he wanna pop you? (laughs) And they say gangbangers is petty and small minded.

Carl: Hey, Zee, where you at?
Zero: Go away, Carl. I'm very, very busy back here. Top secret stuff. Not for your eyes. Too sensitive.
Carl: Come on, homie, where are you?
Zero: I said go away, Carl. I don't need any friends today, thank you. (Carl opens a cabinet to find Zero hanging by his underwear)
Carl: Man, them some pretty strong drawers!
Zero: Yes, my hero. Carl, he (Berkley) came back and humiliate me. I should turn on prostitution now where I will be found dead, and broken. I am a 28 year old man whose landlord (Carl) just helped him down from a hook, from which I had been hanging from my underwear, comteplating my inadequacy for nearly two hours.

(Carl is being ordered to plant drugs on Tenpenny's enemy and subsequently tip off the police)
Carl: Hey, motherfucker, the code of the streets is that I don't snitch. I don't give a fuck if it kills you, me, my brother. Street cats don't call no cops.
Tenpenny: Carl, he's a D.A.
Carl: (suddenly amenable to the task) Oh yeah? Well, where I go find him?

(A DA is being arrested by the police)
D.A.: Do you know who you're fucking with here? I'll have your badge you moron!
Policeman 1: Shut up! (to another policeman) You found anything back there?
Policeman 2: Found anything? He's got half of Mexico in here! Must be two tons of Mary here!
D.A.: What? But... but I've never seen... how could it have...?
Policeman 1: Hell of a defence you got there, buddy.

(Ken Rosenburg invites CJ to visit Johnny, a rival mobster who CJ scared into a heartattack a few missions before)
Ken Rosenburg: So, hows Johnny doin'?
Mobster: He's doing alright. He can walk a bit... [interupted as Johnny rolls in with his wheelchair]
Ken Rosenburg: Johnny! How you doing?
Johnny Sindacco: I'm doin' fine. Bit of stumachache's... Dhiarrea... Y'know. And who's this guy?
Ken Rosenburg: Oh! CJ. [Moves out of the way]
Carl: How'ya doing Johnny.
Johhny Sindacco: It's... Fuck... It's him! It's him! [falls out of the wheelchair] It's fucking him! It's... Ugh... [Johnny gets a heartattack of seeing CJ again and dies].
Ken Rosenburg: Shit. That's not good...

(Ken Rosenburg and Carl just walked out of a massacre, victorious)
Ken Rosenburg: For old times sake, huh Tommy! (Referring to Tommy Vercetti from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City)
Carl: (akward silence) Who the fuck is Tommy?

Carl: Uh, one last thing. You do know that I'm black, right? And not Chinese.
Woozie: I'm blind, Carl, not stupid.

(Pulaski is bleeding profusely and lying against his car)
Carl: Not feeling so fucking full of yourself now, huh?
Pulaski: Yeah, well them's the breaks... fuck...
Carl: Any last requests?
Pulaski: Yeah... can I fuck your sister (Kendl)?
Carl: You an asshole to the end. Punk mother-fucker! (stomps on Pulaski)

(Carl and Sweet interrogate B-Dup in his house)
Sweet: Say something!
B-Dup: Hey, hey, no! I had no choice. I was threatened! Shit came from the boss, homie!
Carl: Pop this motherfucker, man. I'm tired of hearing his bullshit.
B-Dup: No, man! I'm sorry, dog - Smoke's fuckin' crazy. He's paranoid - just sits in the house, thinking other fools wants his business!
Carl: Where's Smoke?
B-Dup: I can't tell you that.
Sweet: Then I'll snatch your fucking tongue out!
B-Dup: Man, I ain't saying nothing, homie, 'cause I don't know! Only his lieutenants know where he's at! (Sweet throws B-Dup to the floor)
Sweet: I oughta wet your shirt anyway! (pulls his gun)
B-Dup: Hey, Bear! Bear, get the fuck out here.
Bear: What's up, your lordship?
B-Dup: Kill these motherfuckers and I'll give you a whole quarter sack. Now, handle that. Shoot them! What the fuck is wrong with you? You ain't hear what the fuck I said?
Bear: I'm tired of smoking, I'm tired of crack, and I'm tired doing your fucking housework. (punches B-Dup)
B-Dup: Oh, shit!
Bear: I'm free!
B-Dup: Man, what the fuck you do that for, man?
Bear: CJ, c'mon put me back on the team. Give me twenty-five dollars and I'm all yours, man, Blast from the past.
Carl: Come on, I'm gonna shoot you somewhere you gonna enjoy.

(Carl found Smoke in the fourth floor of the building playing a video game)
Carl: Hey, Smoke.
Smoke: Hey, CJ, I was wondering when you show up.
Carl: How'd you know it was me?
Smoke: Knew it was my old dog CJ. Knew you was coming and I don't give a shit.
Carl: I'm here to take care of your fat ass, then I'm gonna take care of your friends at the police department. WHere they at?
Smoke: Man, fuck this shit. (smokes crack)
Carl: Man, you and Tenpenny--
Smoke: Fuck Tenpenny and fuck his polish lap dog. And fuck the whole police, man. All that's old shit. Look at you, you got the whole world. I ain't got regrets, man. I made it, CJ! I'm a success. I can't be touched. (to himself) I don't give a fuck. Fuck the whole world.
Carl: What happened to you, man?
Smoke: Man, what the fuck do you care? Guess we better do this shit then. (pulls out a rifle)

(Carl killed Big Smoke in a gunfight)
Carl: Hey, Smoke, what made you flip out like that, man? Was it the drugs or what?
Smoke: I got caught up with the money, the power... I don't give a shit. Oh fuck, man...
Carl: Why you just didn't quit, man? We was like family, homie.
Smoke: I had no choice... I had to do it... I just see the opportunity. When I'm gone, everyone's gonna remember my name... Big Smoke! (Big Smoke dies from his injuries)

(Tenpenny enters Big Smoke's suite with a gun and a suitcase)
Tenpenny: Carl Johnson. My man. I need you to do me another favor. You killed Pulaski and now this fat fuck? There's no stopping you! Drop the gun.
Carl: You ain't leaving here alive, man.
Tenpenny: Where's your brother at, huh?
Carl: Why didn't you just shoot me at the back? Feeling exposed, huh?
Tenpenny: Shut your dumb ass up, and load the bag. Come on, let's go. I ain't got time to fuck with you!
Carl: So, what's it like, Tenpenny? All alone? Nobody got your back? Suck, huh?
Tenpenny: Why do you think I'm alone? I got a couple of rookies outside, but I gotta open their eyes slowly. You know, a little truth here, a little truth there... A'ight, fuck it, that's enough. Chuck it over, I got a firetruck to catch.
Carl: You're crazy man, you've lost it... you're gone.
Tenpenny: Half the city is looking for cops to kill, Carl and I ain't about to get dragged out of the patrol car and get beaten to death by some angry mob. No, no, not tonight.
Carl: What you catching, a plane?
Tenpenny: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Good answer, Carl! You know, you're gonna thank me one day for opening your fucking eyes. Oh, I almost forgot, Carl! (cocks gun) Time to die!
Carl: Uh, Sweet!
Tenpenny: What? Motherf-- (shoots Carl but misses) It ain't over, Carl! It ain't over!
Tenpenny: Carl, you motherfucking piece of shit, gangbanging cocksucker!

(After being heavily pursuaded to enter an old airplane by Toreno)
Toreno: How's it goin'?
Carl: I can see fucking daylight through the floor!
Toreno: Ah stop whining...

Sweet: Tenpenny, you motherfucking piece of shit! (jumps to the ladder of the firetruck) I ain't letting you get away with all you've done!
Carl: Sweet, no!

(Carl, Sweet, Cesar, and Kendl briefing in the Johnson house)
Carl: Now that everything's cool, we gotta stay top of the game. Keep everything in check, but subtle.
Kendl: We got problems in Venturas, problems in San Fierro. Shit's never ending.
Sweet: For sure, the Families are back on their feet. But we goota keep shit tight cuz a lot of people have their eyes on us. (a door opening was heard and Sweet, Carl, and Cesar put out their guns, pointing it to Ken Rosenberg, Maccer, and Madd Dogg, who are entering the house)
Ken Rosenberg: Hey, I come in peace with Mr. Dogg here who has an announcement.
Madd Dogg: My, I mean our first gold record! (Everybody cheers with Madd Dogg's award)

Maccer: That groupie loved it!
Kent Paul: That wasn't a groupie! That was a roadie!
Maccer: But, she had great tits!
Kent Paul: MAN TITS! THEY WERE MAN TITS!!

Others

  • Foreman (in the mission "Deconstruction"): [gets out of the mobile toilet] What's all that damned clatter? [looks at the mess caused by CJ] Holy crap! I didn't see nothing!
  • Foreman (in toilet)OH GOD NO!!
  • Pedestrian (in car): You're like my asshole, always holding up shit!
  • Maccer I've been arrested numerous times for totally natural behaviour!
  • Wu Zi Mu (aka "Woozie"): Listen, it's best if we clear the hell out of here as soon as possible because, for some reason, the local police don't appreciate our noble sport.
  • Police on the street: We need bigger guns! and more bullets!
  • Police on the street: Ahh, I sprained my scrotum!
  • Police on the street: (Before firing a Shotgun) Come over here, and we can talk.
  • Sooth Cough and Cold Medicine: With Sooth, you'll forget all your problems, your name or where to properly go to the bathroom

SAPD Helicopter Pilots

(Notes: The following are heard during three-star police chases of CJ, and are heard on the speaker by cops' mistake)

Co-pilot: Hey, if I kill him, do I get a medal?
Pilot: You get two!

Pilot: Look at the birdie... and die, asshole!

Pilot: [to CJ] Suspects about to be terminated!

Pilot: [to CJ] Give up! The game's up!

Pilot: Stop running! Now!

Pilot: Where is he?
Co-Pilot: Over there, you dick! Cap him!

Co-Pilot: [to CJ] This is aerial support.....
Pilot: I think he knows that by now!

Pilot: [to CJ] Stop now, right now!
Co-Pilot: Ugghhhh....Just shoot him!

Pilot: [to CJ] I got a head shot on you, tough guy!

Pilot: Hey, do you see anything?
Co-Pilot: OVER THERE! SHOOT HIM!

Pilot: [to CJ] You, stop!
Co-Pilot: Just shoot him, you pussy!

Pilot: I'm outta bullets!
Co-Pilot: Don't worry, I got extra!

Co-pilot: This is LSPD, do not...Hey! What the fuck?! Too low...You'll kill us all!

Pilot: Hey, I can see my house from here!
Co-Pilot: Will you shut the hell up? [to CJ] You, stop!

Pilot: I see her, she's beautiful!
Co-Pilot: HE's over there! He's a guy!

Co-Pilot: [to CJ] We're the police, moron! We've got helicopters!

Co-Pilot: SHOOT THAT ASSHOLE!
Pilot: I'm trying! I'm trying!

pilot:"Why do I always do the fucking shooting?
Co-Pilot: Because I'm a pacifist! Kill him!

Pilot: I'm going to kill this guy!
Co-Pilot: Make sure it's the right guy this time!

Co-Pilot: Stop photographing those women and shoot the bastard!
Pilot: Hey, shut up!

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