- Marge: Grandpa, did you sit on the pie?.....Grandpa: I hope so.
- Oh, a little from Column A, a little from Column B
- I used to be 'with-it', then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' and is 'it' seems weird and scary.
- My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
- Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.
- The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more than a few.
- One way to get rid of them is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time we went over to Shelbyville during the war, I wore an onion on my belt....which was the style at the time...you couldn't get those white ones, you could only get those big yellow ones.................now where was I........oh yeah, the important thing was I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time, you couldn't get those... (trails off)
- My story begins in Nineteen dickety two. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word for "twenty." I chased him down the road but gave up after dickety-six miles...
- Now where's my card. Ok, I'm an elk, a communist, the president of the gay and lesbian committee for some reason, oh here it is. The Stone cutters.
- Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.
- Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!
- Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.
- Son! You gotta help me. I hit three people on the way over here and I don't have any insurance! So how's 'bout you?
- Well, well, well! Before I was just too old and no one wanted my help. Suddenly, look who comes to old Grampa for - wait! Where are you going? Come back, I'll tell ya.
- Ah , there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957 I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three, medium brown...
- About my washtub: I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball.
- What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.
- You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.
- Grandpa: That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!
Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents. Grandpa: I just want attention.
- Marge: Grandpa, this flag only has 49 stars on it
Grandpa: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!