Green Wing (series 1)

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For series 2 quotes, see Green Wing (series 2).
For the Special quotes, see Green Wing Special.

Green Wing (2004 –) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The first series was transmitted between 3 September and 29 October 2004. The Comic Relief sketches were shown on 11 March 2005. It was nominated for, and received a number of awards. A DVD of the series was released on 3 April 2006, but did not include the comic relief sketches.


Series 1

Caroline's First Day [1.1]

Guy: Two things women want, ok? Money and protection.
Martin: Well, I've got a helmet and a credit card.

[as Caroline's phone starts ringing in the operating theatre]
Guy: Your shoes are ringing.
Mac: [quietly] It might be a lesbian.
Guy: Or the mother ship.

Guy: Guy Secretan - it's Swiss.
Caroline: Ah, cuckoo clocks, no beaches. Theft of Jewish gold after the fall of Nazi Germany. Sorry, I expect everyone says that.
Guy: No...

Mac: Martin, Martin, see this? Is that your - is this your signature?
Martin: Yeah, it is, yeah.
Mac: Yeah - can't really do smiley faces on death certificates, it does look a little bit insensitive, okay?

Guy: You... are a gingre.
Mac: I am a fraise-blonde.

Rumours [1.2]

[on whether things are going well with her "sort-of" boyfriend]
Karen: Thing is, he said I had a furry face. That can't be a good thing, can it?
Kim: No, I guess not.
Karen: [in tears] Damn my furry face!

Mac: What can I tell you? A few ground rules - no bombing, no running, no petting, no diving and no inflatables. In fact, probably best to leave all swimming related activities until later - this is, after all, an operating theatre.

Guy: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
Mac: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.

Caroline: Stop right there. Come back here.
Mac: Stop right there, come back here - which? I'm confused.

[Guy accidentally pushes too much air into a patient's chest during an operation]
Guy: I thought she was having a nightmare.
Mac: She is with you as her bloody anaesthetist.

Lodgers [1.3]

Martin: I’m thinking about getting an Adamantium helmet.
Mac: Yeah? That’s the stuff the Wolverine skeleton’s made out of, isn’t it?
Martin: Yep. Hardest metal in the world.
Mac: Indeed, indeed yeah. Sadly of course, a fictional metal. So that would probably reduce its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario.
Martin: Good point. Good point. Still the hardest metal in the world though. [Martin leaves.]
Mac: Fictional.

Alan: You’re probably thinking that in some bizarre way that my playing the recorder has caused, erm, an expansion down below.
Boyce: I wasn’t thinking that, but I am now.

[Caroline screams after she fails to light up a cigarette.]
Caroline: Aarrgh! I want nicotine! Then I’d like to meet a nice man and have a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.

[Sue comforts a crying Guy.]
Guy: Don’t be nice to me.
Sue: Oh, all right, pull yourself together you cretinous fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people’s coats, rocking and whinging to themselves? I’ll tell you what sort of a man – a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. Men don’t cry. They’re strong hunter-gatherers. So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt, because that’s what you do best!
Guy: Fuck you, you ugly bitch! Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?
Sue: I am tempted, cos I’m all fired up. But no, thanks, I’d rather lick my own armpit.

[Guy is on the telephone to a former girlfriend.]
Guy: Suzy? Babe? [Puts on a bad Welsh accent.] Oh, hello. Oh, hello Frank. No, no, it’s Geoff. Yeah. No, I’m an old school friend of Suzy’s. I know she did, but I moved down when I was twelve. From... [Changes accent.] ...Derbyshire. Oh, do they? Which part? Which part? Which bit? Oh, I know I don’t, but because I’ve got a bit of a cold at the moment and I’m a bit sad…about…well, about my…hedgerows. Yeah. I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to go to the Vale. The Vale of Pewter. Near…Derby. OK, OK, bye. [Hangs up.] Think I got away with that.

Joanna's Birthday [1.4]

[Harriet and Karen buying a birthday cake.]
Harriet: "Ooh, this one."
[Harriet picks out a cake in the shape of a pair of breasts.]
Karen: "That’s more Rachel. It’s not really Joanna."
Harriet: "We can put a candle on each nipple. I’ve always wanted to do that. Either that or run away and join the circus."

Guy: "Buggering wank!"
Mac: "The Swiss water-polo team lost again?"

Martin: Hello, Mum, it's me. Martin. Martin Dear. Martin. M-A-R-T-I-N. You know who it is!

Mac: "Join me again next week on Let’s Make No Fucking Sense when I will be waxing an owl."

Karen: "What’s that on your coat?"
Rachel: "What?"
Karen: "Silver lines, on there."
Rachel: "Oh, snails. Yeah, I went to a party last night and, err…woke up in the garden."

Housewarming Party [1.5]

[Karen’s poem, "Ode to Martin," read by Kim.]
Kim: ""There was a time I had not seen you, I don’t know how I coped. Now every day I want to watch you and help you with your [Pronounced phonetically] moped." "Help you with your moped?" What’s that?"

Harriet: "I tell you what you could do, Karen. In the second line: coped - copèd. "I know how not I copèd." No. A bit florid perhaps."

[Caroline and Mac talk to some students about medicine.]
Mac: "Any final thoughts, Dr. Todd?"
Caroline: "Don’t get ill. We make you all sleepy and do terrible things."
Mac: "Wise words indeed."

Guy: "Martin, what do you think of when I say the word, "Switzerland," to you?"
Martin: "I don’t know, you’ve never said it to me before."
Guy: "I’m saying it now. And don’t say Phil Collins lives there."
Martin: "Does he?"
Guy: "Shut your eyes, think of Switzerland – what do you see?"
Martin: [Eyes shut] "Nothing."
Guy: "You must see something!"
Martin: "I don’t have a visual memory, sorry."
Mac: "I see something. I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold."

Caroline: "What are you wearing?"
Angela: "It’s called a white coat. It’s identical to the one you’re wearing, only a tiny bit whiter."

Tests [1.6]

[Caroline tries to remember what happened at the party with Mac.]
Caroline: "First you say you don’t remember any kissing at all, and now you’re saying there was kissing in the toilet. Which one is it?"
Guy: [From the next room.] "Kissing in the toilet?"
Caroline: "Yes, er, who sang, "Kissing in the toilet?" in 1978?"
Guy: "Er, was it a young George Michael?"
Caroline: "Yes."
Guy: "Fucking hell! That was a guess!" [Sings] "Kissing in the toilet. Don’t flush, it’s lush."

Martin: "I know you pretend to be ashamed of me."
Joanna: "No, it’s quite genuine."
Martin: "Well, underneath I know you’re got some mother’s pride. And I don’t mean the bread."

Alan: "Precisely. Gamma rays, which produce images of – I’m having a baby – and can be expressed in numerical form. Tiny, pink, little baby. Moving on to diagnostic preferences in, let’s say soft-tissue trauma…Who’s the daddy? I think you’ll find that I am the daddy."

Caroline: "How was the, erm, interview?"
Mac: "Not sure. I might have used the words, "job,", "stick,", "up," and "arse," all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?"
Caroline: "Well, I think tone of voice is very important."

Joanna: "You and me are not an item. Never have been, never will be. What have you got to say to that then, eh?"
Alan: "I."
Joanna: "What?"
Alan: "You and I are not an item, not you and me."

Tangled Webs [1.7]

Mac: "Your reward will be in Devon."
Caroline: "Devon?"
Mac: "Oh, no, sorry. It’s heaven isn’t it? Yeah, that’s right. I used to get them confused as a kid. You know, when people die, they got to Devon."
Caroline: [Laughs] "That’s funny."
Mac: "Well, not really, no. Ruined my summer holidays – I thought my whole family was dead."

Mac: "That part of the day we’ve all been looking forward to. Nurse Richardson, perhaps you’d like to choose, movie genre, or regional accent?"
Theatre Nurse: "Regional accent, please."
Mac: "Excellent choice. Dr. Todd, perhaps you’d like to pick today’s regional accent."
Guy: "Surrey. Buckinghamshire. Er, Swiss."
Caroline: "Northeast, Newcastle."
Mac: "Tricky, but always very funny. Good choice." [Geordie] "All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation?"

Slave Auction [1.8]

[Boyce has stuck a Star of Bethlehem on Alan’s pointer.]
Boyce: "I don’t think you understand. That’s soldered on. It’s never gonna come off."
Alan: "Yes, quite. Remarkable – all achieved in apparently under five minutes." [Alan hits Boyce under the chin with the point, knocking off the star and hurting him badly.] "Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal…"

Teacher: "Now…Robbie. Is there any history of mental illness in the family?"
Harriet: "No."
Teacher: "Are you sure?"
Harriet: "Yeah, I think so."
Teacher: "You know about the penguin with the chainsaw?"
Harriet: "Yes. Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend."

Teacher: "Are there any major problems at home?"
Harriet: "Erm… He does like to eat bread straight from the freezer. "Bread lollies," he calls them. But we thought that was kind of sweet."

Emergency [1.9]

[Martin confronts Joanna in the car park.]
Martin: "You let me down. You weren’t there for me, Mum."
Joanna: "Shut up! Not here!"
Martin: "I needed you to make my packed lunches, I needed you to pick me up from swimming and I needed you to make me that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween."

Martin: "Can I ask your advice about something?"
Caroline: "Your shirt tucked into your pants doesn’t really work for you, Martin."
[Martin pulls his shirt over his underpants.]
Martin: "No, look, it’s not about clothes, it’s about something more serious."
Caroline: "More serious than clothes? I don’t understand?"

[Mac commentates on Guy’s attempt to chat-up Joanna.]
Mac: "The hunter spots his prey. But there is a problem. The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual." [Joanna walks to the bar.] "He’s in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone…"
Joanna: "Double vodka."
Mac: "…and vulnerable. She’s old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance."
Guy: "Fuck off!"
Mac: "The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. He waits, like a coiled spring, and then…he strikes."

See Also

External links

Wikipedia
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Green Wing Quotes
Series 1:
Caroline's First Day | Rumours | Lodgers | Joanna's Birthday | Housewarming Party | Tests | Tangled Webs | Slave Auction | Emergency | Comic Relief Sketches (2005) | Misc Quotes
Series 2:
Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | The Secret Policeman's Ball Sketch | Misc Quotes
Special:
The Special | Alternative Ending