Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo (born 1965 in New York City) is an American stand-up comedian, based in New York. Before becoming a comedian, Giraldo, a Regis High School, Columbia University and Harvard Law School graduate, worked as a lawyer. He is known for his distinct delivery and his skills in ranting, never allowing his rhythm to be broken.


  • My house is on fire... marshmallows!

On Race

  • Mayday, mayday, we're overwhelmed by Hispanics.

On Marriage

  • We used to get in fights because I'm an idiot!
  • When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

On Obesity

  • The great obesity epidemic of the year 2000.
  • There was cheesecake and porkchops everywhere.
  • There were more doughnuts than you can shake a stick at.
  • I read recently America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic!! That's kind of a lofty way to describe being a nation of fat bastards, isn't it?
  • Even during sex we can't stop eating.
  • To join a gym you have to go a lot to get it to work, you gotta keep goin' and goin'. I don't know how these gay guys can do it. Every gay guy is built like a body-builder: when did that started to happen?
  • For god's sake, man, you want some cookies on that, too? I can't even close the sandwich now... man, it's not a nuclear war situation, I KNOW you're gonna be back in three hours for another sandwich! -- On fat people at Subway

On Politics

"If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds." - on Michael Moore

From Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn

  • "You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets."

-When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering

  • "The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet."

Others on Greg

  • "Greg's been in a lot of bad TV shows that have never made it onto the air. The only way he will be in a good pilot is if he digs up one of the Wright Brothers and fucks him in the ass." -Jim Florentine
  • "I'm not saying that Greg has a drinking problem, but his liver is so black & bloated, it looks like Patrice [O'Neal]." -Rich Vos
  • "Greg's got a wife he's not very fond of. I don't want to say Greg hates his wife, but she's the only woman I know who bleeds once a month from her lip...Greg recently found out he's going to be a daddy for the 3rd time. I don't want to say he's unhappy, but I saw him stealing a coat hanger out of the coat check here at Carolines." -Nick DiPaolo
  • "Greg, you self-hating husband. I've never heard anyone hate his wife like Greg hates his. The only reason Greg keeps getting her pregnant is he's hoping she'll die during child birth." -Laurie Kilmartin


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