Grumpy Old Men (film)

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Grumpy Old Men is a 1993 Warner Bros. comedy film starring Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau, and Ann-Margret, with Burgess Meredith, Daryl Hannah, Kevin Pollak, Katie Sagona, Ossie Davis, and Buck Henry. Directed by Donald Petrie. Written by Mark Steven Johnson.


  • Kids. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.


John and Max cleaning the snow off their cars
John: Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max: Hypothermia's a bitch. It ain't quick like a stroke.
John: A stroke's no damn good; you could end up a vegetable!
Max: You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.
John: Lucky bastard.
Max: You bet.
John: Hey, how is he anyway?
Max: He's dead! Died on impact!
John: Jacob, moron. Jacob!

John tells his father that Ariel moved in.
John: Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.
Grandpa: A woman?
John: Yeah.
Grandpa: Did you mount her?
John: Ohhh, Dad!
Grandpa: Well the woman, does she have big thighs?
John: No!
Grandpa: No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha. (Grabs the six pack of beer out of his son's hands). Keep the change!

Max: Morning, dickhead.
John: Hello, moron.

Max: Hey dickhead, win the lottery?
John: Enjoy your shower, smartass?

John and Max asking Chuck about his visit to Ariel.
Max: Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?
John: Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?
Max: Yes, the spirit was willing...
John: Yeah, but the flesh was, uh....
Max: Weak! Weak!

John is worried about having safe sex.
John (to Ariel, who just locked his door): What are you doing?
Ariel: I said it's time for bed.
John: Hold on, I'm...I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to sex.
Ariel: John, when was the last time you made love?
John: October 4th....1978.
Ariel: Oh, I think we're safe.....
Snyder and Max Goldman while John is in the hospital:
Snyder': Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman.
Max':Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?" (Laughs)


Various takes of Grandpa and John watching Chuck visit John's new neighbor Ariel.

  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's slipping her the old salami!
  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's taking the skin boat to tuna town!
  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's going put the hot dog in the bun!
  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's going for a ride on the wild baloney pony!
  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's a tom cat on the prowl - meow!
  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's taking the ol' log to the beaver!
  • Grandpa: Looks like he's gonna enter the holy of holies! Coitus Uninterruptus!
  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's gonna bury his boner!
  • Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's taking ol' One-Eye to the optometrist!
    • Of these, the last was the line that made the final cut of the film.
  • Matthau: If I knew there was going to be a nude scene in this picture I would've asked for another million.
  • Lemmon: [to Matthau, after his character left in a limousine] Who left?
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