Happy Gilmore

From Quotes
If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier that other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.
Charles De Montesquieu
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Happy Gilmore is a 1996 film about a rejected hockey player who puts his skills to the golf course to save his grandmother's house.

Directed by Dennis Dugan. Written by Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler
He doesn't play golf... he destroys it.

Happy Gilmore

  • During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
  • If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
  • [to Virginia] You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
  • Yeah, it is about time! I mean I just couldn't get the ball in the hole! I wanted to but I just couldn't do it! [Pulls guys shirt and punches him in the face]
  • [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.
  • Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?
  • You son of a bitch ball! Why don't you just go home?! That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!
  • [to alligator that has eaten his ball] That son of a bitch. Give me my ball, give it here! Cough it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna--give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye! Chubbs. You took his hand!
  • [after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady] Uh, you know that "Mista, Mista" lady? Well, I think I just killed her.
  • [sucking up to Chubbs] I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.
  • [clown laughter] I hate that clown. [Happy succeeds in getting the ball in the clown's mouth] Yeah! [clown head spits ball back out and starts laughing again] You're gonna die, clown! [Happy proceeds to break off the clown's nose with his putter] You think that's funny?! I don't hear you laughing now!
  • Happy learned how to putt, uh-oh!
  • Somebody's closer!

Shooter McGavin

  • Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
  • Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.
  • Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time on the sand than David Hasselhoff.
  • I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets harder to leave. I bet you put something to the water.
  • Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
  • Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball... if you can find it.
  • This is Shooter's tour!

Donald Heckler

  • You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... ya jackass!
  • You will not make this putt... ya jackass!
  • Shooter! Wanna go to the Sizzler and catch some grub?
  • Hey Gilmore! You suck, ya Jackass!

Others

  • Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.
  • Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.
  • Bob Barker: (Before a put) Alright, Happy. Nice and easy. (Happy putts, but misses) That was not nice and easy.

Dialogue

Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck.

Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car, she's dead.

Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
[Happy pours fast food over the woman's head]
Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!

Mover #1: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club. Look at this stupid thing.
Mover #1: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover #1: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover #1: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover #1: That's unbelieveable.
Mover #2: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that! Ow!
Mover #1: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover #2: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.

Chubbs: Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass.
Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.

Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: Oh, my God!
Chubbs: Yeah. Tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just popped up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.

Happy Gilmore: [after hitting a hole-in-one] He shoots, he scores! Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan.

Virginia: Did you see that?
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a hole-in-one on a par four!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.

Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. What do ya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.

Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy: Why don't I just go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may! What do you say?

Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: I didn't break it, I was merely testing its durability, and I placed it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.

Grandma: Sir, um, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.

Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.

Mr. Larson: Trying to reach the green from here Shooter?
Shooter: That's not possible, sir.
Mr. Larson: I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.
Shooter: [turning around] Well moron good for Happy Gilmo-- (turns around and sees Mr. Larson) OH MY GOD!!

Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Virginia: Hey! What's going on?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.

Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?



Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

Bob Barker fight scene


Happy Gilmore: [about a heckler] I'd like to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal."
Bob Barker: It's "The Price Is Right," Happy.
Happy Gilmore: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Bob Barker: It happens. Let's play some golf.
Happy Gilmore: Okay.

Happy Gilmore: That guy's driving me crazy.
Bob Barker: You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!

Bob Barker: This guy sucks!

Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.
[Happy punches Bob in the face]
Happy Gilmore: You like that old man? You want a piece of me?!
Bob Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!
Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch!
[Bob chokes happy and punches him 3 times]
Bob Barker: I think you've had enough. No?
[Bob kicks Happy in the face]
Bob Barker: Now you've had enough, bitch!

Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.

Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
Virginia: Happy... I didn't see it go in.
[They kiss]

Happy Gilmore: [after Shooter bought his grandma's house] What the hell is wrong with you?
Shooter McGavin: Well, real estate is a hobby of mine--
[Happy goes to hit McGavin]
Shooter McGavin: Ah, ah. Take one more step, I burn the house and piss on the ashes.

Chubbs: It's all in the hips, yeah, it's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me.
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.

Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, hey, hey, hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams did have a beard.

Mr. Larson: [after Shooter hits the ball off Mr. Larson's foot] That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.

Mr. Larson: [after Shooter takes the gold jacket] Hey, I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's! [In slow motion] Raaahrrr! I will get you Shooter! [Amidst beatings] Stay still!

Taglines

  • He doesn't play golf... he destroys it.
  • Run Shooter, Run for your life!
  • YA GUNNA DIE CLOWN!
  • Grissly Adams does have a beard

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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