A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.Paul Bourget
- It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
- When you buy a V-neck sweater there's a V of material missing. You know what they do with that? They send it to Ann Summers and she makes those fancy pants.
- My aunt used to say, 'What you can't see, can't hurt you'...well, she died of radiation poisining a few months back!
- I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
- Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
- My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
- I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.
- The thing about heroin is... it's very morish, apparently.
- A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he'd do for some chips
- Apparently, you can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like
- (Repeated line) What are the chances of that happening?
- Want to know where your post has come from? Run after your postman shouting '1-4-7-1!
- Not just Jockeys I think all small men should have to wear a number.
- If you drop a Bible on a field mouse, it'll kill it. So maybe the Bible's not all good?
- Is it just me, or does anyone else get the amount you're allowed to drink when you're driving mixed up with the amount you're allowed to take through customs?
- Why do they put the little holes in the top of the biscuits? (Points to random audience member) YOU, go and find out!
- What is it about people that repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys? Try going in there with a shoe shaped like a key and see how confused they get.
- My nan has a picture of the United Kingdom tattooed all over her body. You can say what you like about my nan, but at least you know where you are with her.
- You know what I blame the increase in crime on? The rise of mobile phones. There's fewer phone boxes. Fewer places for Superman to get changed in. He's having to get changed in Portaloos. Is that what we want? Is that the sort of society that we want? A world where Superman has to stand on his shoes to get changed?
- Vegetarians tend to be the same touchy-feely bunch that go on about the environment. Well, maybe there'd be more environment about, if you lot weren't eating all the plants.
- You know the white plastic doll's house garden furniture that you get free with the home delivery pizzas? I keep getting the table. What's that about? They're not making enough chairs are they? The ratio of tables to chairs should be at least four to one.
- What is it with chimpanzees and that middle parting? It's so 1920s.
- I think dogs should only be allowed to eat food that rhymes with their names. Under this system Poodles would only be able to eat noodles or strudel. But if you think about it that is the only dog which rhymes with a food so that's probably why the system isn't in effect. No, stop trying to think of a dog which rhymes with a food there isn't one. Stop it!
Quiche Lorraine, Great Dane. No, I won't accept it.
Labrador, lobster thermidor. OK, I'll accept that one.
- I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work. "SCAB!" they would shout during the great dermatologists strike...
- Last night I had a lovely quattro formaggi pizza. Bit cheesy.
- I don't wear a watch. I want my arms to weigh the same.
- Hitler was a bad man. Winston Churchill was a good man. But if you were in a balloon with Hitler and Churchill, and you were losing altitude...
- Apparently if you find an osprey egg and you give it the right temperature, the right conditions, that egg will turn into a beautiful... omelette.
- I went to an Indian restaurant called A Taste Of The Raj. The waiter hit me with a big stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.
Harry Hill's TV Burp
- Hang on, this isn't a show, is it? This is just some things that happen. It's like an episode of Wife Swap where they don't swap wives, they swap dogs and one of the dogs gets a cough and one of the husbands nephews spends some book tokens. The end.
- (Repeated line) There's only one way to find out! FIIIGHT!
- Well, I've had a terrible week. I've had that, erm, Anthrax, have you had that? Diarrhoea, blood in the urine, the liver was disintegrating... and i found the only thing that really helped... was Lemsip. Just took the edge off.
- Ear Cataracts?
- I always thought that eating flowers made me feel like a very hungry tramp.
- (on beating Ant and Dec and the 2006 British Comedy Awards) It's all over for you!
- (At the 2006 BAFTA Comedy Awards, after announcing the nominations for best comedy) They're all good but which ones the winner? There's only one way to find out... FIGHT!
- (At the 2008 TV Baftas) Baffy-waff! Baffy-waffy-wim-wham! Wim-wham-baffy-waff! Waff-waff, whiffy-waffy-wafta ... Put the spuds on darling; I'm coming home.
- (on why he quit being a doctor) I left because it wasn't really me. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but in my experience so does an air rifle and an open bedroom window.