Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

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Do you want to know a good way to fall in love? Just associate with all your pleasant experiences with someone, and disassociate from all the unpleasant ones.
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Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law is a comedic television animated series that airs on Cartoon Network during its Adult Swim late night programming block.


Harvey Birdman

  • Get ready to feel the power... of attorney!
  • Hmmm. It says here that if a person's not married by the time he's 35, he's got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater.
  • Oh, look, I knew this might be difficult... so I stopped off at the liquor store and got a couple of magazines that I think will explain everything.
  • Wow... that's a man kiss.
  • Debbie, we're going to need some law books. With pictures this time.
  • [explaining Race and Dr. Quest's relationship to Johnny Quest and Hadji] Your dad and Race were... buddies.
  • Avenger! My personal digital assistant!
  • Oh big falcon deal.
  • I'll take the case!
  • Biiiiiirdman!
  • Not my crest! It gives me my powers... I think.
  • Hmmm, I wonder what that means.
  • All's fair in love and bouncy-bouncy!
  • That means in the future I'm going to have sex! With a woman!
  • Can't...read...my discovery notes...!
  • I'll take the bet!
  • Is that my executive ball clicker?
  • Must Shishi poo poo.
  • "The healing rays of the sun." (Black Vulan) ...In his pants!
  • Where is he? Doesn't he know im trying to KILL- I mean STUN him.
  • YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!
  • Huh... (Catchphrase)
  • Oy... (Second Catchphrase)
  • White guy

Peanut

  • Oooh, sprechen Sie sexy?
  • Who's feeling Peanutty?
  • you're going down
  • Ai papi, down... Caliente, donde esta Harvey, Harvey esta down
  • Harv, he's faking it! I'm watching him scratch his nose. Look! No, he stop - look! No, there! No, he - ah! Nope, he stopped.
  • Okay, oww.
  • That would be eww.
  • Ah. No no my friend. First taste is always free with the P to the N-U-T.
  • Who rollin' with da nut?
  • [Cleaning his gun] Suns don't kill people. People with suns kill people.
  • [In Japanese, before destroying a car next to Phil Sebben with a bazooka.] It is considered customary in our culture, once a business deal is concluded, to blow something up. Kampai. (In English with Japanesse accent) Peanut.
  • You, Me, Closet, Magic
  • Candyman
  • Does he bite? (Taunting Avenger in first episode)
  • For the lady a Char-mowla. And I'll of course be ordering off the menu. Oh and boy two ouzo spritzers
  • [about X] It's resolved. I'm gonna moon him.
  • [Taunting Avenger]] You too. Caw, caw, caw. Loosely translated: Polly want a beatin'?!
  • Hows about we use the go-away powder on old Chucky here whilst Peanut and Nancy take a little magic carpet ride....Hand me that rope dear.
  • Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and oh gosh, I guess you can be jelly, and, this is just off the top of my head, how about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
  • Wait, wait a minute, am I the only one that sees that she's his... uhhh I'm good.

Phil Ken Sebben

  • [While taking a self-quiz] Are you a generous lover? ... I like to think I am.
  • Fall you bastard! [to Birdman]
  • Oh hello I didn't see you there, I was too busy counting money. Sometimes in stay up 13-14 hours a day but i still can't keep up. Ever get a paper cut from a 7,000 dollar bill? Doesn't tickle. But thats not for you to worry about. No you're just an ordinary employee who will never be burdened by huge sums of money.
  • Ha ha! Not to scale.
  • Ha! Ha! Duck loogey.
  • And it's been brought to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper, you're wasting a ply.
  • Ready or not, here I come! Ha ha... I wish.
  • [On the door to his office] Phil Ken Sebben..... Ha! Ha! Ha! Boss.
  • Birdman, in here get. In get here in. In... You know what I mean.
  • Shave and a haircut, two ti - whoah, hold on.
  • Now get out of here! I have to go back to reading everyone's emails... over the P.A. system. From: Potamus, Peter! To: Falcón, Blue! Subject: That thing I sent you! Body: Did you get that thing I sent you?
  • And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.
  • You know what I say... Ghandi is dandy, but liquor is quicker! Ha ha... quicker.
  • If you're not careful, you'll get us all whacked. Ha ha! Body in a woodchipper.
  • While I consider myself to be a benevolent-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures.
  • Do you know what this means to the firm, the billable hours? I can finally build that lakehouse, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha... dangly parts.
  • Ha! Ha! Multiple entendre!
  • I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12 billion dollars here that says you'll vote me regardless.
  • He's a bear, dammit! Buster Brown and his Hairy Hollyknockers! Have you ever tried to bring one down?
  • Also, I've noticed a couple of you have slipped back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow managed to control your bowels, which means I have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert system a couple of notches to... Blackwatch Plaid! [dramatic music plays]
  • Uppercut Uppercut! Jab Jab!
  • I'm gonna raise the warning system from Blackwatch Plaid to the cover of Rush's seminal album, Moving Pictures.
  • Who's stronger, Birdman?... the addiction or you? [with a mouthful of cigarettes]
  • If it's yellow, leave it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down....mmmm...maybe.
  • Tell me I'm pretty. I'm a pretty little girl... you didn't hear that.
  • Ha ha! Cookies on dowels!
  • Sit down. Not there! There! There! Not there! There! Ha ha... there.
  • My office! Burgled! Plundered! Purloined! Ha, ha, ha... Loins.
  • I'm no Fred Flintstone but I'm gonna make your bed rock!
  • This man's forgotten more about pain than you'll ever remember, about pain, about forgetting, about.
  • What the-? Rewind! Slo-mo! Hell-o?, and who do we have here? Enhance! Contrast! Tint! Bright! Sleep mode! Vertical hold!
  • Hey lady, I need a yank! Ha ha! Dislocation.
  • God I love your accent. Ha ha! Bi-curious...
  • I have you in my sight ... s.
  • [Looking for his keys] Let's see, gum wrapper, pocket lint, lighter... Ooo! Flamethrower! Ring of power, dunno what that is, roll of quarters... Wait, that's not a roll of... Ah! Here they are! [tries to unlock his door repeatedly, without success] Okay... All right... Here we go... Aaaand, opening. On one. Next time. Spatial relationships. Okie-doke! Come to papa! Male end, female end...
  • To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream. Aye, there's the rub. Ha ha!... rub.
  • I told you to leave 10 minutes ago. You know what? You're fired. Get out of here... No, really, you're fired, get out. Ha ha! 'Right to work' state.
  • Birdman, help me pass out these coupons. Boob-job [to a girl]... boob-job [to another girl]... boob-job, nose-job, annnnd ass-job [all three to a man]... rhinoplasty [to a man]...rhinoplasty '[[to another]...hippoplasty [to Potamus].
  • [Taking an eye exam] F!, U!, C!... I can't make out that next one.
  • Shake hand, Kiss baby, Shake hand, kiss baby, Shake hand, Kiss hand, Shake baby, Shake baby, Kiss hand, Shake baby, Shake baby, kiss hand.
  • Long, loose, and full of [sees Gigi's pregnant] juuusus H. Roosevelt! [dives for cover]
  • When I die I'll go to heaven, cause I've spent my time in hell. Grenada, '83 .
  • I need your trust. All of it. Slave-ish, on your feet!
  • Ha, ha! Pop go the buttsy on the left-hand side! [cracks his whip]
  • Well, I'm not a vet, but I do have these pliers.
  • [Tranquilizer dart in his crotch] Ha ha! Numby nutkins.
  • Bup bup bup bup. What are you doing child? Some exotic creature could come along try to eat that, choke on it and die. Remember leave no trace behind. No beer for you that's man juice [snags beer]. Now who wants to pump my twelve gauge?
  • Ha ha ha! Final episode stunt-casting!
  • This is M!!!mbutu Jr. What happened was, M!!!mbutu here needed a job for his son. And you needed a paralegal/shaman.
  • You don't need to whisper Birdman, he doesn't understand English.
  • My God, the sex I've had, and forced others to watch.
  • Form a line and tell me who missed me!
  • Gentlemen, I give you the splendor of unspoiled nature! Now, forget about that and imagine a strip mall right over yonder...
  • Ha ha! Surprise twist!
  • Well, I'm not a trainer, but I do have this whip!
  • I would like to welcome you all to the bi-annual..Ha ha ha bi!
  • He laughs at that. HA HA, that.
  • [to Birdgirl] No matter how many times you say that, it still gets me ro- Oh, my God! I just did the math! By "Daddy", you don't mean bend me over your knee and call the fire department because you have a flamer down there; you mean Daddy! Judy, daughter, is it you? Everyone in the Background: Yes!
  • Ha ha! Last laugh. (last line of the series)
  • Wow. That's a man kiss.
  • Ha Ha! Freudian.

Myron Reducto

  • Back off! (Catchphrase)
  • Put down the fizzy-gun.
  • I'll make you travel size.
  • I'll make you fun size.
  • I'll make you teensie.
  • Gah! The race war! Its started! Back off!!!
  • Not fair! Not fair! [points gun] Primitive man solving everything with a gun! I will head-shrink you.
  • I missed you last night. At the bar. The bar where you said you'd to meet me. That Bar. I touched a public phone to call you. And you weren't there!
  • The key Birdman, are the three R's. Reduce... I forgot the other ones.
  • So, Mr. Birdman, where do you fit in... full Brazilian!
  • Stay in your lane, hands at ten and two ... Are you going to make a left turn or spend all afternoon indicating? Back off! Shrink gun! Your Excursion will be Expedition-Sized!
  • Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Ah! My glasses! What have you done with my glasses? Don't touch me! ...Alright, touch me. [While receiving sexual pleasures.]
  • Big bosoms make me nauseous.
  • When I was a kid if someone brandished a shrink gun he'd get a little bit of respect!
  • For the first time in my life I can't shrink something! Dat booty just too fine!
  • Yes Mother, the colonic solution works splendidly. Yes, tiny peanut poo.
  • [Upon seeing Inch High] What was THAT? That was a TINY MAN! [distraught] Smaller than ME!
  • [singing to the tune of "I Feel Pretty"] I feel shrinky, oh so shrinky, I feel shrinky, and dinky...
  • No one warned me that your feet were so... dainty. [Removes witness's shoes] Hello, little goslings.
  • [as a case he is prosecuting in is dismissed] I win, I win, I win, I win, I don't lose, I win!! Oh hell.
  • "Nod, nod at what I'm saying or I'll shoot!"
  • [Upon realizing he cannot effectively shrink Grape Ape] Ahhh! I HAVE MET THE UNSHRINKABLE!

Mentok the Mind Taker

  • Ooo Wee Eee Ooo Weep! Eee Ooo? Weep? Eee Ooo? Alright, maybe later...
  • WHY?! BECAUSE MENTOK WILLS IT SO!!! Proceed.
  • To hell with mind-taking, I'm taking up lip reading.
  • Nope! Too cute! Pocket Nostradamus here thinks he knows the future. Hmmm. Interesting. Because, you see, no one knows the future except me, Mentok, the Mind Taker!
  • Yes! Yes! Mind taking! Stick with the kid, baby!
  • For I am Mentok, the Mind Taker!
  • Zombie guards, seize him! Tell me that's not fun to say.
  • You wanna see some stuff I'm not supposed to show anyone?
  • Hang on; Rome Air 5433, I said heading 325 southwest you disorganized Italian! Oh hell, I'll do it. (Note: 325 is actually northwest.)
  • All right, whadda we got? Arbitration! That's for people who are too teeny to go to court, too teensy weeny weeny, weeny teeny.
  • Looks like the squirrel's been showing everyone where he keeps his nuts.
  • Time for plan bee-weeoop.
  • I'm gonna bee-weeoop you silly.
  • Alright, who here is from Massachusetts!? Someone here's thinking an awful lot about Nantucket.
  • [reading the ticker before the words come out] Should...keep...three...days...worth...of...clean...Underwear! No, water. Water? Oh this is so predictable it's throwing me off. Hold on, I've got the remote. Beeeoooo-weep!
  • [asking for a date] I already know, [aside] because I know everything! I'm MENTOK, THE MIND-TAK-- [back to her] that you're not doing anything tonight, but ... are you doing anything tonight?
  • Harvey, We think you have a problem. Actually we know you have a problem. Because I'm Mentok the mind taker. Booweeoop.
  • Alright let's play rock, paper, Mentok. One. Two. Shoot!, Mentok. I win get down here.
  • No one takes the Mind Taker not when there are minds to Mentake.
  • Alaka-Bee-weeoop! Old School.
  • We don't borrow; we don't rent; we don't lease: We TAKE the mind... So in conclusion, we are?... Takers?
  • You know what we call that!? MIND-TAKING, BABY! Accept NO SUBSTITUTES!
  • I am Mentok, (Shado messes with his mind) THE MIND-TOKER, I mean... Mentok, (Shado messes with his mind again) THE MILF SPUNKER, oh I see... nice trick.
  • Eenie, meenie, miney, MIND-SWAP!!!!
  • Boo-weeoop Ooh-wee-ooop! It's the helmets, they're aluminum foil, right? I can't, that doesn't work with what I do.
  • Cheeseburger, french fries, chocolate shake...somebody's mind I's about to take...
  • That's Mind-Taking baby!
  • I didn't feel the love! Oh, wait, wait, hold on one second...beeeeeeeee-weeeeeoooopppp...nope, no love.

Peter Potamus

  • You get that thing I sent ya? (or sencha)(catchphrase)
  • Hey hey, there he is! (catchphrase)
  • 'What the-?' (catchphrase)
  • 'Mein Gott!' (catchphrase)
  • You get that ring I sent ya? (to Gigi)
  • Gigi! You look absolutely... [sees that she's pregnant] Gotta go!
  • A sammich without bread isn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands!
  • You wouldn't like me when I'm horny.
  • Hey HA HA'S! [zooms to lady out the window] You're hired!
  • 'Is he gone...?' (catchphrase when hiding)
  • Sencha! (catchphrase)
  • Now is the time to grieve...(attractive woman walks by)..and then we move on
  • I got it! The problem was there is not tea in the cup.

Black Vulcan

  • ...In his pants! (Catchphrase)
  • [explaining how he left the SuperFriends] They said it was some sort of budget thing. But I think it's because I complained that they were always pairin' me up with a white SuperFriend, like I was gonna start super-lootin' the minute they weren't watchin'. And you think I named myself Black Vulcan? Hell, no! I used to go by SUPER Volt, "Black Vulcan" was Aquaman's idea. And I said, well, maybe we should just call you White Fish.
  • Do you take her to be your lawfully wedded wife... in your pants?
  • [Girl said "Wanna go downtown for a creme soda... if you know what I mean...] I'm feeling very uncomfortable... in my pants.

Azul Falcón (Señor Antonio de Rimberra Garcia Azul Falcón)

  • Oh, you Americans and your...'logic'.
  • Expensive and beautiful silk panty garments – for everyone!
  • My mother's maiden name?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
  • Now we make...PARTY! (Catchphrase)
  • Now...we make FUNERAL!
  • I am forever grateful...slash vengeful.
  • Señor Birdman, would you honor me and my husband by, how you say, expectorating on me?

Misc.

  • Debbie: Shoyu Weenie here to see you... It's a Japanese band.
  • Debbie: Your 12 O' Clock lunch client is here...for tommorow
  • Dvd: Who's got efficient nipples?
  • Dvd: Name change is 30 billable hours. 80 if you pad it.
  • Devlin: It says right here, diagnosis: Fractured Ass!
  • Apache Chief: My lap!

Dialogue

EP01 - Bannon Custody Battle

Dr. Quest: Well, I've got a rather serious problem. You see my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.
Harvey: How long has she-
Dr. Quest: He
[Avenger and Harvey freeze, and their eyes widen.]
Dr. Benton Quest: He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.

Debbie: [on intercom] That was the ornithologist. The results were negative.
Harvey: Thank you.

Mightor: State your first name, your last name, and your occupation.
Lizardman: Lizardman, Lizardman, and Lizardman.

Harvey Birdman: Dr. Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with...
Dr. Benton Quest: Well, Race and I met one night...
Harvey Birdman: [gritted teeth] With your boys!

Harvey Birdman: I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.
Jonny Quest: But he throws like a girl.
Harvey Birdman: So did Martina Navratilova, but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in many other important ways.

Dr. Quest: Since I know he'll never do it himself, I'm gonna step right up and toot Mr. Birdman's horn.
[Harvey backs up, uncomfortable]
Dr. Quest: Way to go, Harvey.
[Bandit barks, and is picked up by a swooping Avenger]
Dr. Quest: You too Bandit
[Everybody laughs. Dr. Quest pats Harvey's butt and he stops.]

EP02 - Very Personal Injury

[Apache Chief walks into a Javalux, out of view of the audience]
Apache Chief: Coffee please
Javalux Employee: All right. That'll be $1.87. [pause] Sorry, Chief. No credit cards. It seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.
Apache Chief: Oh, I... I think I have change.
[coffee spills]
Apache Chief: Ah! My lap!

Apache Chief: Well I saved the town the other day.. and anyway, I saved the town. And anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a.. a coffee would be nice." But I spilled it on my... lap
Harvey: Uh-huh.
Apache Chief: And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.
Harvey: I'll bet.
Apache Chief: Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.
Harvey: Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?
Apache Chief: I... can no longer... enlarge.
Harvey: Ugh!
[crosses his legs and winces a few moments]
Harvey: Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?

Harvey: When I say the word "superhero", what names come to mind? Wonder Woman. Aquaman. Superman. Birdman. These are names...
Juror: Uh, excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.
Harvey: Not my point...

Reducto: Back off! I've got a shrink gun. Who touched my ankle? Gun! Do you think I dont see? You dont think I feel your eyes like grubby little fingers, little children's fingers on my body? Back off! I will make you teensy.

[Reducto's opening statement]
Reducto: What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch? That's all I have.

Harvey: Mr Vulcan, tell us about your superpower.
Black Vulcan: Pure electricity... in my pants.
Harvey: Tell us, what would life be like without your powers?
Black Vulcan: Well, you know when the power goes out in your house? It would be like that... but in your pants.

Harvey: You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend's whereabouts - a Wonder Woman, I believe?
Zan: Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.
Harvey: Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?
Zan: Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.
Harvey: How do you happen to know this?
Zan: I was... I, I was the bathwater.
[flashback]
Zan: [his face visible in the water as Wonder Woman washes her leg] Form of a washrag!

Reducto: Do you want to be shrunk? No one wants to be shrunk, that's the point! It's a shrink gun! Back off!
Harvey: Yeah, I think this whole thing would go away if he somehow felt appreciated.
Reducto: [paranoid music plays] Hmm, I'm scheming. This is my scheming face. First I raise this eyebrow, and then... BACK OFF!

[Apache Chief grows and fills the courtroom]
Mightor: [smiling] Chief got his teepee back. Case dismissed.

EP03 - Shaggy Busted

[Music, laughter]
Shaggy: [to Scooby] Will you be cool?
Officer: Turn the music off, please.
Shaggy: Sure thing officer.
Officer: Where you headed tonight?
Shaggy: Like there’s this green monster, officer, sneaking around at the old cotton mill, we’re headed out there to meet the gang and, like, try to catch it. [Laughs]
Officer: A green monster?
Shaggy: [Laughs] Yeah! A real fattie man.
Officer: Uh, you were driving a little erratic back there.
Scooby: [Shaggy laughing] reah, rokay.
Officer: Just step out of the van please.
Shaggy: Punch it! [starts driving away, officer starts shooting]

[A candidate for the clerk position enters Harvey's office]
Harvey: Take a seat.
Peanut: Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?
Harvey: How 'bout we start with your name?
Peanut: Peanut
Harvey: Uh-huh So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed
Peanut: Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant
Harvey: Baltimization?
Peanut: Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".
Harvey: Really?
Peanut: Mmm. You know
Harvey: Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?
Peanut: Actually, I believe I was fired from that job
Harvey: Oh?
Peanut: Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.

Harvey: So consider that your first lesson in lawyering, clerk. [Peanut stares at him blankly] The job. It's yours. Congratulations
Peanut: Well gosh, that's great. Do I get a gun?
Harvey: Sure!

Fred: We've got a bit of a problem, the gang and I.
Harvey: [to Peanut] Gang stuff. Listen up. What happened?
Fred: Last night, we were at this old abandoned cotton mill, and-
Harvey: I know. One of your homies took one in the bo-bo.
Fred: No. Actually, Shaggy and Scooby were arrested. It was awful.
Harvey: Now you see why banging doesn't pay? I'll take the case! But first [Grabs hold of Fred's ascot] you're gonna have to lose the colors.

Velma: I know the way it looks, Mr. Birdman, but that's just the way they are.
Daphne: They always act that way
Peanut: [to Daphne] Oooh. Sprechen ze sexy.
Harvey: You mean those boys weren't...
Guard: [to someone offscreen] Hi!
Fred: Nope, they're just stupid.

[Spyro performing a medieval reenactment of Shaggy and Scooby getting pulled over]
Actor 1: Good eve sirs. Knowest thou why I've asked thee to tarry?
Actor 2: My leave sir no. Hath we some wrong... done?
Actor 1: Step out of thy wagon!
Actor 3: Shaggy, take flight! Its the devilish apparition!
[Horse rears, and then farts, ending the scene. Audience applauses with a baroque piece playing in the background]

Harvey: There are two lives that depend on me giving the performance of my life in court tomorrow.
Bartender: Scotch?
Harvey: Hell, yeah! Let's get stinko!

EP04 - Death By Chocolate

Phil:: Defend the bear, Birdman. And don't forget, I'll be keeping my eyes on you.
Harvey: Eye.
Phil:: I didn't know you were Scottish!

Harvey: [sitting at desk] Peanut. Give me a psych profile on Boo Boo Bear. [presses button on intercom] Debbie, we're gonna need some law books, with pictures this time. [turns to Avenger] Avenger, start taking depositions. [stands up in a dramatic stance] All right, lets go people
[Avenger and Peanut stare at him blankly]
Harvey: Everyone turn around. [turns around and begins breathing into a paper bag] I'm going to my calm place. I'm going to my calm place. I'm going to my calm place.

Reducto:: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This... animal, here, this ursine fellow - UNCLEAN! - He rejected society and retreated to a cave in the woods to plot his vile, [points his shrink-ray at the jurors] NOD! Nod at what I am saying or I will shoot!

Reducto:: Please tell the court what you're holding.
Dr. Quincy:: It's the Cookie Bouqueter's Manifesto.
Reducto:: Did you find anything, unusual about it?
[creepy music plays as the camera closes in on Reducto's face]
Reducto:: Aside from the fact that it's filled with... paranoid delusions?

Harvey: So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government.
Reducto: That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.
Harvey: What?
Reducto: I'm not prosecuting
Harvey: Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?
Reducto: Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.
Harvey: Hm. The jukebox?
Reducto: No! [pulls out a complicated shematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.
[The words "An AOL/Time Warner Co." appear on the bar's sign.]
Harvey: Myron, Myron!
Reducto: The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency
[The bartender walks over]
Reducto: [Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!
Harvey: One currency? [laughs]
Bartender: Your tab.
Harvey: Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.

Harvey: Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?
Boo Boo: Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary... but that's just one little bear's opinion.
Harvey: A cute, fuzzy little bear. [smiles at jury] The defense rests.

EP05 - Shoyu Weenie

Manager: Oi. [subtitle:They stole our song.]

Harvey: When I was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl
Phil: That's it. Let me cradle you.
Harvey: She landed flat on her back
Phil: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Harvey: And then everyone started laughing because she was fat.
Phil: Fall you bastard!

Peanut: Yo, Bird. Shoyu Weenie.
Harvey: You know them?
Peanut: Sure. [sings] "Banaaanas. Ice creaamy. Veg-e-ta-ble. Steam steeaaamy!"

Band member: [speaks Japanese] [subtitle: Do you think we have a chance?]
Harvey: [nods] Hakujin. [subtitle: White Guy]

Band Member:[in japanese] I'm hungry.
Harvey: Aren't you cute. Here's a football.
[band member starts biting the football Harvey has handed him]

Harvey: So, you are a musical group correct?
Neptunes: Sure!
Jabberjaw: ... Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Mentok: Oh for God's sakes...you, the shark. No more from you today, okay?
Harvey: Who writes your music?
Neptunes member: Someone with something yummy in his tummy?
Mentok: [to steinographer] Those guys over there, they're gonna lose this one. Pretty sure of it. No, I know it.
Harvey: And before you answer this next question, let me remind you that you swore [pulls out a giant Bible] ON A BIBLE to tell the truth here today. [throws it away] So, tell us [points above] AND GOD, where the song 'Lovely Lovely' came from? HE'D like to know.
Neptunes member: Uh, we don't know.
Harvey: Nothing further.

Harvey: All's fair in love and bouncey-bouncey!

Reducto: I missed you last night. At the bar. Where you said you were going to meet me. THAT bar. [starts jumping as if he's grossed out] I touched a public phone to call you. AND YOU WEREN'T THERE!!

Mentok: We don't borrow, we don't read, we don't rent, we don't lease, we take the minds. So, in conclusion, we are...?
Bailiff: [deadpan] Takers?
Mentok: Yes. [musses up the bailiff's hair] Who's the smartest boy in the court today? Who's the smartest boy in the court?
Bailiff: [deadpan] Me?
Mentok: [throws a dog treat in front of him]

[to Gail Melody]
Mentok: Listen, I already know...
[Mentok's theme music starts up]
Mentok: BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING! I'M MENTOK, THE MI--
[music abruptly runs down]
Mentok: ...that you're not doing anything tonight, but... What are you doing tonight?
Harvey & Reducto: OBJECTION!

EP06 - The Dabba Don

Phil Ken Sebben: Do you know what this means to the firm. The billable hours. I can finally build that lake house, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha, dangly parts.

Mentok: Sorry I'm late all but I just got the phone call to come over... I mean, I was just summoned by the spheres! [Imitates Theremin] anyway they said go to 101, we can't find the other guy. When your Broca's a broka? My god, man, get a writer!

[a bird with a strangely shaped beak testifies against Fred Flintstone]
Can Opener: The guy's a pig; a Neanderthal.
Fred: You're dead to me, can opener!

Evelyn Spyro Throckmorton: [Spoken word parody of Flinstones' theme song] Flinstones. Meet, the Flinstones. They're the mobbish, stone-age family. From the, villa, of Bedrock, they're a page right out of Godfather III. When we, try, Fred Flinstone, yes he's gonna do hard time time, oh yeah, he'll do time, a lot of jaaaaiiil time.

Harvey Birdman: Who are you
Fred Flintstone: I told ya I'm Fraun Fernstone, Botanist and....
[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]
Harvey Birdman: Who are you?
Fred Flintstone: Bird Flintmock, rodeo rider....
[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]
Fred Flintstone: I'm Anne Heche.
[Peanut hits Fred with twice a large mallet]
Fred Flintstone: Wilma, Honey what's going on?
Pebbles: Dada! Dada!

Fred Flintstone: Marone! Will you clean this child [Pebbles]. She smells like dinosaur doodoo!

EP07 - Deadomutt, Part 1

Falcón: Gracias.
Phil: Ha ha... sissy European lisp thingy.

Phil: [Looking at Falcón]: I think I can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before. [Looks at Harvey Birdman]. Not this. This is something here before NOT we have.

EP08 - Deadomutt, Part 2

Harvey: Step off, Homes!
Peanut: Oh, I was trying, just trying to talk about your tattoo.
Harvey: You wouldn't last two minutes in my world!

Harvey: 12 Men. 1 Judge. 1/2 a chance

EP09 - X, the Eliminator

Phil: I need your...uh, help.
Harvey: Really.
Phil: On my way to work I hit a guy...
Harvey: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
Phil: ...every day this week.
Harvey: Oh... any witnesses?
Phil:: Some kids.
Harvey: Nobody believes kids!
Phil: And a nun.
Harvey: Nobody believes nuns!
Phil: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
Harvey: I'll take the case.
Phil: And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Harvey: YES!
Phil: Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.
Harvey: Oh.

X, The Eliminator: Birdman! Prepare to meet thy fate!
Harvey: Thy?

Debbie: Your lunch appointment is here... for tomorrow.
[Harvey looks at his watch that says 9:00]

[awkward silence]
X and Harvey at the same time: Coffee!

X, The Eliminator: Yes, it is I; X, the Eliminator, and only I can rid you of this scourge; Birdman.
FEAR Member 1: What is your price?
X, The Eliminator: One million dollars
FEAR Member: It is agreed; we will give you the money, and in exchange you will bring us the crest of Birdman
X, The Eliminator: ....thats it? for that amount of money I thought I'd have to.. well, y'know; kill him.
FEAR Member 1: Oh, God no.
FEAR Member 2: What are you? Crazy?

EP10 - SPF

Debbie (over intercom): A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]
Harvey: [Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!
Mightor: [On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.
Ding-a-ling: Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]
Ding-a-ling: ...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!
Peanut: You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."

Harvey: The man's good name. When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Dingaling...
[a pregnant pause]
Mentok: What?... oh. Oh! you were expecting a joke there. Too easy! Now, if he'd been Peter Peckapickle von Peenie, née Peter Peenie Peckerpickle; Waldo Lang Schnitzeldong; or Sarah Plain-and-Tall - any of those - then we got something!

Harvey: Your name was hijacked by a website as well?
Hi Riser: Yes. Yes, it was.
Harvey: Tell us the name of that site.
Hi Riser: Hi Riser dot com.
Harvey: And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more. Many more. I give you: Big Duke, Bigger Duke, Kwicky, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluid Man...
Peanut: [aside] That would be, ew...
Harvey: ...Dirty Dawg, Mother Load, and Galtar.
Gallery: [huh?]
Harvey: And his Golden Lance.
Gallery: [gasp!]

Peanut: Bling bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!
Harvey: It didn't last as long this time.
Peanut: Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.
Harvey: Gimme the French Stuff.
Peanut: Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!
Harvey: OK OK OK! How much?
Peanut: You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.
Harvey: [tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!
Peanut: And lunch money.
Harvey: But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....
Peanut: You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.
Harvey: Money. Money. I'll get the money!
[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up]
Man in car: Eww. [drives off]
Harvey: Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!

EP11 - The Devlin Made Me Do It

Devlin: Ever hear of "imitatable acts"?
Harvey: Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.

Harvey: [while looking for genitalia on Avenger] Peanut, have you ever seen any 'thingies' on Avenger. Swingy thingies?
Mightor: Deedleleedlelee.

Harvey: [after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!
Peanut: Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]

Phil Ken Sebben: "Birdman! You're Fi...Ernie Devlin?"
Devlin: "Yo!"
Phil Ken Sebben: "It's me, Phil!"
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Ken!"
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Seb..."
Devlin: [Silence]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Ben..."
Devlin: [Asleep]
Phil Ken Sebben: "Phil."

Devlin: Is it hot in here... or was I just engulfed in flames?

EP12 - Trio's Company

Harvey: My client, a private investigator...
Mentok: Colloquially known as a...?
Harvey: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?
Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say, "dick."
Mentok: Which would make you an...?
Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs] Inch-high dick.

Inch-High, Private Eye: [has just been enlarged to a normal-sized human being] "Be right back!"
Inch-High, Private Eye: [is now in line at an amusement park where it says "you must be this tall to ride"] Again.
Amusement park worker: Please step onto the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: I'm sorry, what?
Amusement park worker: Get on the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: Again.
Inch-High, Private Eye: [Back in the courthouse] As I was saying...

Gigi: [emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!
Phil: You sure did!
Harvey: Ha, aha...
Phil: Multiple entendre.
Gigi: Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!
Harvey: Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?
Phil: Your desk lamp. Here.
Potamus: [emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?

Reducto: BIRDMAN! That little man... where is he? I must find him. Find him and destroy him! He's so... perfectly miniature. I hate him.
[Birdman starts slapping Reducto]
Reducto: I love him. [slap] I hate him. [slap] I love him, AND hate him! [falls to Birdman's knees crying, Inch High peeks out of Birdman's pants] Oh, please, Birdman, put it away. I like the little hat, though. Tres chic.

[Inch-High takes off his towel in the sauna]
Phil: Ha ha, not to scale.

EP13 - High Speed Buggy Chase

Harvey: So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.
Funky Phantom: That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!
Harvey: [laughs] We're trying.
Funky Phantom: And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?
Peanut: Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.

Phil: [regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?
Harvey: Well, he's too light. Can't push the keys down.
Phil:You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.
Harvey: Plus, I don't think he understands English.
Phil: Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!
Harvey: [now has a white stain on his shoulder]
Phil: Nope! I think he understands plenty!

Reducto: [to Avenger at his going-away party] So. Twenty years, huh?
Avenger: Caw.
[long silence]
Potamus: This blows! Who's up for a Hooter's run?
Bear: *grunt*
Potamus: What? Hooter's? For the bird? It's an owl reference!
Reducto: Big bosoms make me nauseous.

Funky Phantom: My name is Funky! But if you funk with me, you'll take a one-way ride in my SUV!

Yo Yo Yo old Betsy Ross, when she grabs Old Glory, and she takes it off Run me up a flagpole my sex salute, but don't tread on me with your hobnail boot! People think I'm funky republic punk-ass b*tch! You say I'm over-white? Well, you can suck...my....


EP14 - Back to the Present

Jane: Hard day at the button, dear?.
George: Oh, it was brutal...brutal! I had to push the button on and off five times. That Spacely's a slavedriver.

Phil:[slaps Orbity] YOU PUSSY!

EP15 - Blackwatch Plaid

Secret Squirrel: "Never fear, madam, Secret Squirrel has just what you need right here!" [woman screams] "Wait! I didn't even pull it out yet!"

Phil: So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppresive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand colour-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

Reducto: Don't you know? Every cellular phone, no matter how small. No matter how perfectly tiny and minature. [paranoid music starts] Every month a new one, smaller and smaller but somehow more powerful, crammed with more amazingly clever but needless features that... I'm sorry, I believe I got offpoint.

Reducto: Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.
Harvey: Umm...
Reducto: Hello. Mail bomb.
Harvey: Uh, heh... um...
Reducto: Assassination.
Harvey: Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...
Reducto: Fertilizer.
Harvey: ...I'm almost out of minutes.
Reducto: Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.
Harvey: See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!
Phil: [overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.

Phil:Also, I've noticed a couple of you have slipped back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow managed to control your bowels, which means I have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert level a couple of notches to... BLACKWATCH PLAID! Oh and I'm gonna have to take some more drastic security measures, like uh...I don't know, installing a camera in the ladies room.
Peanut: Ooh, me likey the oppressive totalitarianism.

Phil: My office! Burgled, plundered, purloined! Ha ha ha... loins.

Phil: Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?
Peanut: You hid the interns?
Phil: Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a piano there.
Phil: Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--
Phil: Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish!

Phil:[searching for his keys] Let's see. Gum wrapper... pocket lint... lighter... flamethrower... ring of power... don't know that is... roll of quarters, wait that's not roll of...ah, here they are. [trying to put the key in the keyhole] Okay... all right... here we go... and opening... on one... next time... spatial relationships... okey doke... come to papa... male end, female end... [opens door].

Phil:[everyone in his office] You'll all be relieved to know I found the thief. He's a hairy guy, about 7 feet tall and he likes furniture. [Bear nods].

Harvey:[laughs] Monitoring station!
Reducto: I will shrink you. Yes.

EP16 - Grape Juiced

Harvey: Pleased to meet your Mr. ...
[Laugh-O-Lympics committee member grabs Harvey's stapler, putting it in his pocket]
Harvey: My stapler seems to have fallen into your...
Phil: Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laugh-O-Lympics, Birdman.

Doctor: [With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!
Peanut: Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]
[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]
Harvey: Thank you.
Doctor: It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!
[Phil with two monk like men.]
Phil: CANNIBALS!!

EP17 - Peanut Puberty

Phil: I'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual... Ha ha ha! Bi! Sebben & Sebben Board of Director's meeting.

Phil: [opens the door for Doggy Daddy]
Doggy Daddy: Just tell me what you want me to do.
Phil: [stands there silently]
Doggy Daddy: [tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]

Phil: [humping Doggy Daddy] I'm the alpha male! I AM THE ALPHA MALE!

EP18 - Gone Efficien...t

Phil: Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.
Harvey: Interesting name. Norweg...?
Dvd: Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.
Phil: Brllnt!
Harvey: Hmm... Hrvy... wait, is Y a vowel?

[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]
Phil: [over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
Harvey: One sheet?
Phil: Repeat: One sheet per visit.
Potamus: [appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Mentok: Mr. Birdman, you clearly have something on your mind, know how I know tha-
Harvey: Yeah yeah, Mind-taking
Mentok: WATCH YOUR TONE WITH ME MR. MAN... BIRD... THING!
Harvey: I'm Sorry
Mentok: That's ok, what's up?

Phil: Hey Dvd, What if we just combine the urinal and the water fountain? [unzips his pants, causing the guy drinking from the fountain to spit out water]

Phil: ... and it's been brought to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper, you're wasting a ply.

EP19 - Droopy Botox

Phil: Wait a minute! VP's don't piddle with the piffle. You're an executive!
Black Vulcan: In your pants?
Phil: To the executive pissoir!

[Harvey and Phil enter a toilet that looks like a palace.]
Harvey: Wow.
Phil: Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.
[Lady appears and starts rubbing Phil's shoulders.]
Harvey: Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?
Phil: Nothing like gold on gold
Harvey: You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...
Phil: Backrub.
Harvey: Backrub?
[Man appears and starts rubbing Harveys shoulders.]
Harvey: Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right
Phil: You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.
Harvey: It didn't?
Phil: Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.

Phil: Ha ha ha, Noses on dowels.

Blue Falcon: Senior, have faith if you could do me a favor.
Birdman: Sure.
Blue Falcon: Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.
Birdman: Sorry?
Blue Falcon: Expectorate, como se dice? Spitting?

EP20 - Guitar Control

Harvey: Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.
[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Antonin Scalia, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Reducto: Don't look at me!
[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

[Phil's Presidential Campaign commercial, starts with song about how he's "seen almost half of America" with a video of a stripper dancing]
Phil: I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.
Narrator: Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.
Phil: [Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.
Narrator: Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.

EP21 - Booty Noir

[Harvey is reading Wally Gator's case file]
Harvey: Operating a speedboat in protected waters... Operating a speedboat while firing a weapon... Operating a speedboat while operating a twelve pack...
Harvey: So, he's pretty much being charged for -
Phil: Being a redneck. Yep.

Phil: Baruch ata HaShem Elokainu Melech HaOlam...
Harvey: What just happened?
Bear : *grunt*
Phil: You're a bounty hunter, silly
Harvey: A bounty hunter?
Phil: One last thing. There's a reward, dead or alive. Just bring him back in... err... in four pieces or less. Watch out for the tail!

Harvey: Mr. Gator! I'm your attorney and I would love to come inside and...
[loud explosion, sheep bleating]
Harvey: Uh... For you to come outside so we can discuss your case in a civilised manner. Litigator to... alligator.

Wally Gator: OK, I'm coming out! Y'all gonna tackle me?
Police: Just a lil' bit.
Wally Gator: Aw, [censor bleep](shit)...

Phil: Huh, I thought that a gator only ate what it killed.
Wally Gator: Not when it's $2.99 a pound at the Costco!

Reducto: I've got a device...a body reshaper.
Norlissa: A device? For the booty?
Reducto: Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!
Norlissa: Is it safe?
Reducto: It's patented in Sweden.
Norlissa: How much does it cost?
Reducto: FREE! I mean, it's free.
Norlissa: Well all right, when can I make an appointment?
Reducto: I have an opening right now. Turn around.
Norlissa: You're gonna do it right here!?
Reducto: It's out-patient! BACK OFF!
[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']
Reducto: Lord help me.
[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]
Norlissa: Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!
Reducto: Oh, speak for yourself!

Reducto: [in bed whimpering] I don't know quite what you're expecting but I must confess. This is my first time.
Norlissa: You're right, baby. It is your first time. 'Cause once you've been with Norlissa, you haven't done it right.

Black Vulcan: [to Norlisa] So! You've got a new man! Is that what it is? Baby...WHOO!! You lose your gym membership or something? I like 'em big, but mm...
Norlisa: What?! When's the last time you went to the gym?! Look at that big old gut on you that looks like one big ab!

Harvey: Mr Gator ... [Wally Gator breaths menacengly, Harvey steps back], tell the court in your own words what you do each day
Wally Gator: Well ..., I fish and hmmm, then I watch NASCAR. yep.
Harvey: Things have been harder lately?
Wally Gator: Oh sure have! All these chain stores sprung up all over the place
Harvey: And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfising in the swamp?
Wally Gator: Manatees [Switch to projecting slides where Wally shreds a manatee with his speedboat fan]. Don't see why the laws protecting them! Ain't nothin but floatin' meatsacks! [Court in surprise, deputy zips up pants] . Huh, federal government has NO BUSINESS tellin me how I should live MY LIFE!!!
Mightor: [Catering liquor from a reflux still] Heh, preach!!!

Phil: Take downs are worth two points.
[A bra lands on one of the monks.]
Phil: Ummm... Three if you're topless.
Monk: I see...

EP22 - Harvey's Civvy

Peanut: Some 'un got a summons.

Harvey: I'm being sued! Right?
Peanut: Yeah... I think that's fair to say.
Harvey: Quick, I need a lawyer!
Peanut: ... Wait...
Harvey: I need a good lawyer!

Harvey: [whispering, having seen several costumed villains in courtroom] What's going on?
Potamus: Pride Weekend?
Mentok: [appearing in chair] Hippo, bird and...who are you?
Shado: SHADOOOOO THE BRAIN THIEF...
Mentok: Oh, no you don't. No "brain thieving" in my courtroom, you understand?. This is mind taking country, partner. You got it? Good.

Mentok: More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?
Potamus: Nah, we're done
Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand
Potamus: I... call... Shado... to.. the.. stand... Now what?
Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the quesion
Potamus: Uhh... did you...
Mentok: Go on.
Potamus: Did.. you.. get.. that.. thing I sent ya?
Shado: The thing you sent? I'm sure I did. One moment...
Mentok: And how long did they have to respond, Mr Potamus?
Potamus: 2 weeks.
Mentok: Oh, and lets see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!
Shado: But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How did you...
Mentok: Know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! YA KNOW WHAT WE CALL THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU DON'T GO BACK!!!!!!!!!
Harvey: So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?
Mentok: Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!

Potamus: I can't feel my leg! My third leg!

EP23 - X Gets the Crest

Peanut: Hello? Western Union? Are you in?
Birdman: Huh? Oh.. Oh no, I'm out of chips!
X: Maybe, there's something else of value you can bet?
Birdman: What?
X: Like, the CCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEESSSSTTT on Birdman's helmet!

Peanut: Whaddya got?
X: Uh... Four. Kings. [pause] I WIN! I WIN! I WIN I WIN I WIN! [Dashes out the door, singing] Hey mister passer-by, CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HELMET! [Birdman's cell phone rings and he answers it, it is X] I WON!

X: [runs out of his room] LIGHT-UP CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
[the scene changes to Harvey's office, where he runs in]
X: -EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELMET!!!

Reducto: Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took a... DON'T YOU MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR!... an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public's... YOUR LEGS! STOP MOVING YOUR LEGS!... safety. But in the end he caused more property damage, more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was...
[Ricohet Rabbit starts bouncing around the courtroom]
Reducto: [Jumping around and firing his shrink gun] Ah! You see? This is just the sort of reckless endangerment of which I speak! Ahhhh!

Birdman: And if I fire this, it should stun him enough so I can retrieve my...
Peanut: Crest?
Birdman: YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!
[a pregnant pause]
Peanut: Ok, that was creepy.

Mentok: Oh you do, do you?
[X pops up in the background]
X: The evil-do that I do do.

X: See, that lighting guy didn't do me any favors.
Zardo: I think you look very good, I do think...
X: I wonder if this was my 15.
Zardo: No, No. Look at you. You're fantastic on television. You should be on television.
X: It's occurred to me.

X: (singing) Hey, Mr. Passer-by! Crest on Birdman's helmet!

EP24 - Birdgirl of Guantanomole

Phil: Everyone, it's Take Phil's Daughter To Work Day.
Peanut: I hereby volunteer to show her the interior of every supply closet.

[Phil Ken Sebben introduces his daughter]
Phil: Judy thinks she's interested in a law career. Ha ha ha! Pfft.
Judy: That's right, and I've been particulary interested in your work, Mr. Birdman.
Harvey: Really?
[Phil slaps Harvey with his mug, but appears across the room in the next frame]
Phil: Don't get any ideas in your head. No touchy touchy, no rubby rubby patty, and no looky looky touchy.
Peanut: Sucky?

Phil: You know, I'm no Fred Flinstone, but I'd sure like to make your bed-rock!!!

Birdgirl: Daddy!!!
Phil: OOO that's hot! Say it again!

EP25 - Beyond the Valley of the Dinosaurs

Grok: An oracle foretold of a pink feathered man-bird coming from the sky to bring pestilence and death upon our tribe. You bad chinga, brother.

Potamus: Sentcha decrees a feast and an orgy... Hell, an orgy sexy feast.
Grok: That's Prince's best album.

Harvey: I'm not even pink! It's the spa terry!

Phil: I'm not a marriage counselor, but I do have this whip.

Harvey: You speak English?!
Grok: Why wouldn't I? Yet another cultural stereotype...
Harvey: No, it's just that, uh, the dinosaurs and the grunting and all... where did you learn...?
Grok: Three semesters at CSU-Long Beach.
Cavemen: GO, NINERS!

EP26 - Evolutionary War


Harvey: Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey: Um... Evolution?
[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...

Reducto: Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you... do you think you're descended from... apes? From filthy animals, covered in fur, hair everywhere on their body? Hair that grows back even if we spend hours each day removing one by one any offending follicle from our face or chest or worse, back? With tweezers or dare I say more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing? FULL BRAZILIAN!

[Harvey is in a stall in the bathroom]
Birdman: [sighs]
Potamus: That you Birdman?
Birdman: You know, now is not a great time.
Potamus: Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?
Birdman: No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I never gotten that thing you sent me and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me, EVER, I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]
Potamus: [wimpers]
Birdman: Hey, hey. I'm, I'm sorry.
Potamus: [cries out]
Birdman: I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.
Potamus: [bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT HIM!

EP27 - Turner Classic Birdman

Mentok: You're no longer in control of your mind, and your wings are missing too.
Harvey: I am no longer in control of my mind, and my wings are missing too.
Mentok: Ehh, you don't have to repeat what I'm saying.
Harvey: I don't have to repeat what you're saying.
Mentok: I mean it stop it.
Harvey: I mean it stop it... You mean it stop it
Mentok: Okay, lets try this: you only do it when I say "Mentok Says", okay?
Harvey: [is silent]
Mentok: Okay, good.
Harvey: Okay, good.
Mentok: I didn't say "Mentok says".
Harvey: You didn't say..

Reducto: Oh, teensy bliss. Goodbye, large world. [while being shot with his shrink gun]

EP28 - Free Magilla

Phil: Mopey, mopey hippo!

Phil: [showing the triplets how to tie a knot] The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, sees a lady rabbit and invites her back to the waren, but then remembers he's married, so he takes a detour to that little motel out on the interstate.
Spewie: What else can you teach us Mr. Phil?
Phil: Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?
[the triplets cheer]
Phil: Alright. Lesson number 1, choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me, has to be realistic, now.
[Potamus falls over choking in the background]

EP29 - Return of Birdgirl

Potamus: Shhh... Shhh... Birdman, Shhh... Shhh... Shhent ya
Harvey: But I don't know what I'm doing.
Potamus: Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closly to what I'm about to say to you.
Harvey: Okay...
Potamus: Promise you're going to listen to these words with all your heart.
Harvey: Okay.
Potamus: Do you have inside you here...?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need in life that will guide you through it all?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Do you have that one thing...?
Harvey: What thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!
Potamus: It's that thing... that I sent... to you.

EP30 - Mindless

Spyro: So, Mr. Dum-Dum, please tell us what happened on the morning of the 24th.
Dum-Dum: Der, well, it was a Thursday. Thursday's the garbage day in our house.
Mentok: [Aside] This is my life. This... is what it's come to. Off the charts IQ, best schools in the galaxy, and I'm stuck here with Butter-Boob and Nit-Snicky.

Mentok: [To the dog and Spyro, who have swapped minds] You two, scat. I wanna lock up.
Dog: I'll bite you on the ass. Growl.
Mentok: Fine, spoilsport. Booweeoop.
[an unearthy voice utters 'MENTOK' as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]
Mentok: [Points to Spyro] You, speak. [Spyro barks] Uh,oh and you? [dog barks]

Spyro: [With the mind of a child] I had a bad dream. I wanna' sleep with you!
Mentok: [Grinning] Who doesn't?

Mentok: Y'know, two dates...two nights...people will start a-talkin'. Are you comfortable?
Gigi: Not with these clothes on. They're so tight and...clothesy.
[Gigi rips off her dress]
Mentok: [grinning] This is why I came to Earth [shakes fist at sky] Take that, Momtok!

Mentok: All right. Your judge had a frustrating, frustrating night last night so I'd appreciate it if everybody just played nicey-nice.

EP31 - Identity Theft

[Harvey has a stack of documents to be copied]
Harvey: Morning! Can I really get this in an hour?
Elliott: Yes, sir. We'll have it done in two hours.
Harvey: Ah, okay! Great! Two hours!
Elliott: Come on back in four hours and we'll have it all ready for you.

Elliott: Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Bffacch! Bffacch!

Elliott: (thinking) His boss didn't manage to rid the world of the scurge of Birdman. I must make more copies of him to shoot, and this time he will eliminate the real Birdman.
X: Chose another verb, buddy!
Elliott: (thinking) Oh, ah sorry. He will kill the real Birdman.
X: Better.

Phil Ken Sebben: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, and from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip-malls should be. Cookies on dowels. All those moments lost in time; gone like eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die.

EP32 - Sebben and Sebben Employee Orientation

Voice over: Sebben and Sebben gives back to the community in a number of ways, our support of the arts featuring the annual Sebben and Sebben Shakespeare festival
[Phil is is alone on a stage, dressed as Hamlet.]
Phil: To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]
Voice over: And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.

[Explaining the five steps to success at Sebben & Sebben]
Voice over: Identifying that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Setting your sights on that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Reaching for that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Getting that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] You get that thing?
Voice over: Recognition for getting that thing
Potamus: [echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.

[Sebben & Sebben Motto - Printed on handy key fob]
Putting clients first by putting employees first. Immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibility and leveraging profitability toward exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.

[7 Habits of Highly Flatulent People]
Denial, Acceptance, Getting There, Cover-up, Solutions, Reforms, Exploiting your Talents

Phil: You ever seen It's a Wonderful Life? Even that Bailey bastard couldn't screw this up!

Elliott: These will be your office supplies: pencil sharpeners, two; three-hole punch, two; shredders, two; staples, two; stapler, one — oh, crap! — folders, two; paper clips, two. You'll get two of everything. Don't tell me two of some things is too much and two of other things are "too little"! I don't care, for I am the Deadly Duplica...
Voice-over: (cutting him off) Proper conduct...

Phil: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. I was busy counting my large sums of money. Ever get a paper cut from a $7,000 bill? Doesn't tickle. But you'll never have to worry about that!

[Sexual Harassment Section]
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The correct way is:
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The difference? This time, he's unplugged the security camera in the corner, which means there's no evidence of this encounter.

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