Heathers

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Heathers is a 1989 film about a girl half-heartedly trying to be part of the "in crowd" of her school who meets a rebel who teaches her a more devious way to play social politics.

Directed by Michael Lehmann and written by Daniel Waters.

Veronica Sawyer

  • Dear Diary: Heather says she teaches people real life, she says "real life sucks losers dry. If you wanna fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly." I said, "So you teach people to spread their wings and fly?" She said, "Yes." I said, "You're beautiful."
  • What is your damage, Heather?
  • My parents wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade, but we decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah. Now blah, blah, blah is all I ever do. I use my grand IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew...
  • Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho.
  • Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party.
  • Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that funeral.
  • This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.
  • Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free.
  • I say we just grow up, be adults and die.
  • If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.
  • [Kneeling at Heather's coffin,"praying"]Hi. I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler.. But hey, who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my High School to be a nice place... Amen... Did that sound bitchy?
  • What's the up-chuck factor on that?
  • Dear diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count. Everybody's sad...but it's kind of a weird kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?
  • It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of Liquid Drano.
  • Nothing can stop JD, not the FBI, the CIA or the PTA.
  • How very.
  • You know what I want, babe? *shoots J.D.* Cool guys like you out of my life.
  • Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.

J.D.

  • People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.
  • Chaos was what killed the dinosaurs, darling.
  • This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.
  • The extreme always seems to make an impression.
  • I like it. It's got that it's-a-cruel-world-let's-throw-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience.
  • Our love is God. Let's go get a slushie.
  • Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.
  • [underlining words in Moby Dick] Es-ki-mo...
  • They're Ich lüge bullets. [In German, "Ich lüge" translates to "I'm lying"]
  • The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.
  • Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except for date rapes and AIDS jokes.
  • I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya...
  • I knew that loose was too noose... uh... noose too loose...
  • [reading from his petition] "We, students at Westerburg High, will die. Today. Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades us. Fuck you all!"

Heather Chandler

  • You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.
  • You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.
  • Grow up, Heather, bulimia is so '87.
  • You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie.
  • Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerberg is going to let you play their reindeer games.
  • They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.
  • Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?
  • [sarcastic] Intense... grow up. You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken...? Just gimme the cup, jerk.
  • Corn...nuts!

Heather Duke

  • Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?
  • I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.

Others

  • Counselor: Whether or not a teenager decides to kill themselves is the biggest decision of their life.
  • Principal: Now I've seen a lot of bullshit... angel dust, switchblades, sexually perverse photography involving tennis rackets...
  • Geek: [while being bullied by Ram] Ah, oh, uh! I like to suck big dicks. Or, uh... Mmmm! Mmmm! I can't get enough of 'em! Are you satisfied?
  • Brad: It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... . So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?
  • Pete: [praying next to Heather Chandler's coffin] Dear Lord, please make sure this never happens to me because I don't think I could handle suicide. Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please let it be Harvard. Amen.
  • Veronica's Mom: When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.
  • Father Ripper: We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.
  • Ram: [praying at Heather Chandler's funeral] Jesus, God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch? It's a joke, man. Geez, people are so serious. Holy Mary pray for our sinners, so we don't get caught. Geez, another joke man.

Dialogue

Heather Duke: [playing croquet] So what are you gonna do Heather? Take two shots or send me out?
Heather Chandler: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.
[puts her croquet ball against Heather's and sends it flying]
Heather Duke: Shit.
Heather Chandler: It's your turn, Heather.

Heather McNamara: God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
Veronica: Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians... Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.

Veronica: Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there.
Heather McNamara: Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
Heather Duke: Fuck it.

J.D.: Greetings and salutations... you a Heather?
Veronica: No, I'm a Veronica.... Sawyer.

Veronica: We're doing a poll. This may seem like a really stupid question...
J.D.: There are no stupid questions.
Veronica: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?
J.D.: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

Kurt Kelly: Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?
J.D.: Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes though don't they?

Heather McNamara: [discussing J.D., who pulled a gun on Kurt and Ram] God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something.
Heather Chandler: He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.
Veronica: No way. He used blanks. All J. D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants, maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains?

Veronica: Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
Heather Chandler: You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

J.D.: Is your life perfect?
Veronica: I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.
J.D.: I... I don't really like your friends either.
Veronica: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
J.D.: Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

Heather Chandler: You stupid fuck.
Veronica: You goddamn bitch.
Heather Chandler: I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica: Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

Veronica's Dad: Will someone tell me why I smoke these damn things?
Veronica: Because you're an idiot.
Veronica's Dad: Oh yeah, that's it.

Veronica: I just killed my best friend.
J.D.: And your worst enemy.
Veronica: Same difference.

Pauline Fleming: I think it's a good opportunity to share the... feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us. Now, who would like to begin?
Tracey: I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant, and then SMASH.
Pauline Fleming: Now Tracey, let's not rehash the coroner's report. Let's talk emotions.

Heather McNamara: Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica: You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. fucking A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.

Veronica: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Heather McNamara: Probably.

Heather Chandler: Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
Veronica: Heather?
Heather Chandler: God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...

Kurt's Dad: My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.
J.D.: How do you think he'd react to his son that had a limp wrist with a pulse.

Veronica: All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
Veronica's Dad: I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

Veronica: Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?
Heather Duke: Because I can be.

J.D.: Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?
Veronica: I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide.
J.D.: Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

Veronica: You can't use that knife. That knife is filthy.
J.D.: What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?
Veronica: Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

Veronica: You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice...
Brad: Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid.
Veronica: You don't deserve my fucking speech.

Student: Did You Hear? School's canceled today cause Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact.
Heather Duke: No way!
Student: Way!

Heather Duke: Hi, everybody. Door was open. Veronica, did you hear? We were doing Chinese at the food fair, when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
Veronica: Is she dead?
Heather Duke: No... that's the punchline. She's alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably.
[Veronica slaps Heather]
...
Veronica: I said I was sorry!
Heather Duke: You were out of control! I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock but Martha Dumptruck? Get crucial! She was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers!
Veronica: Ugh, shut up!

[J.D. shows Heather pictures]
Heather Duke: Me and Martha Dumptruck? Where did you get this?
J.D.: I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously. It's kind of scary that everyone's got a little story to tell. You wanna see the canoeing shots?
Heather Duke: What is this? Blackmail? [pause] I'll give you a week's lunch money.
J.D.: I don't want your money. I want your strength. Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness. It needs a strong leader. Heather Chandler was that leader but...
Heather Duke: But she couldn't handle it.
J.D.: I think you can. Moby Dick is dunked. The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table and now it's your turn to take the helm.
Heather Duke: What about the photographs?
J.D.: Oh, don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor. That will be one you'll enjoy. Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then. But in the meantime... strength. Here's a little gift. From Heather to Heather. [gives her Heather Chandler's red hair bow]

Heather Duke: Veronica, you look like hell.
Veronica: Yeah? I just got back.

Veronica: Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.
Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock: I'd like that.
Veronica: Yeah. Me too.

Kurt: It'd be so righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler sandwich. Punch it in, Ram.
Ram: Oh, hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on my Johnson and just start spinnin' her around like a goddamn pinwheel.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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