Henny Youngman

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Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
Guillaume Apollinaire
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Henry "Henny" Youngman (16 March 190624 February 1998) was a comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners", short simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire.


The wife and marriage

  • Take my wife—please!
  • My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
  • My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.
  • My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
  • My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
  • Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

Spite, venom, and gleeful denunciations

  • If there's never been a suicide in your family, why don't you break the monotony?
  • If there's ever a price on your head, take it.
  • I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.
  • What got you out of the woodwork?
  • You're the kind of person I would like to have over when I have the measles.
  • Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.
  • Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.
  • I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine. I want to break off with them.
  • I like you—I have no taste—but I like you.
  • The more I think of you the less I think of you.
  • I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
  • When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
  • You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
  • To Dean Martin—Dean, if you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.


  • You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.


  • I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
  • He hit me among my face.


  • A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!
  • I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
  • A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
  • Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

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