History of the World: Part I

From Quotes
The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us, and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
George Eliot
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History of the World, Part I a 1981 film directed by American film director, Mel Brooks.

The Stone Age

Announcer - Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature. This need, this talent clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift.

Announcer - And here, in a cave about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born. [a drawing of a buffalo is shown, and a proud artist] And, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable after birth... The critic. [the critic urinates on the drawing]

The Old Testament

God - "Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?"
Moses - "Yes, I hear you, I hear you... a deaf man could hear you!"
God - "What?!"

Moses - "The lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oy. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!"

The Roman Empire

Roman Guard - Seize HIM!!
Josephus - Seize This Honkus!

Comicus - "Are you all together or are there separate checks?"

Stoned Roman Soldier 1 - "So, do you care if it falls?"
Stoned Roman Soldier 2 - "What?"
Stoned Roman Soldier 1 - "The Roman Empire"
Stoned Roman Soldier 2 - "Fuck it!"

Roman Soldier - "Alchemist can you help me?"
Alchemist - "What are you looking for?"
Roman Soldier - "A pack of Trojans"
Alchemist - "Gee I just ran out!"

Man Outside of the Temple of Eros - "It's a new concept. It's called a 'centerfold'."
The man was played by Hugh Hefner.

Marcus Vindictus - Don't you know your left flank from your right flank?
Captain Mucus - I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus - You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!

Emporer Caesar - Nice. Nice. Not thrilling... but nice.

Dole Office Clerk - Occupation?
Comicus - Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk - What?
Comicus - Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk - Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Comicus - Hmmmmmm...
Dole Office Clerk - Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus - No.
Dole Office Clerk - Did you try to bullshit last week?
Comicus - Yes!

Empress Nympho - [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!

Judas - No. No. Leave us alone!
Comicus - All right, all right! Jesus!
Jesus - Yes.
Comicus - What?
Jesus - What?
Comicus - What?
Jesus - Yes.
Comicus - Jesus!
Jesus - Yes.
Comicus - What?
Jesus - What?
Comicus - You said what.
Jesus - Yes.
Comicus - Nothing.

Empress Nympho - Oh Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd - Whooooaaaaaaa!
Bob - Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus - I got a great corkscrew!
Crowd - Whoooaaaaaaa!
Josephus - Damn, this a hip crowd!

Oedipus - [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey Josephus!
Josephus - Hey, motherfucker!

Miriam - Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus - Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam - Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.
Comicus - I'm really sorry to hear that.

The Spanish Inquisition

Chief Monk - Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!

Torquemada - We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working...send in the nuns!

Jew - I was sitting in a temple, I was minding my own business, I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass. Then these Papist persons plunge in and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red-hot poker up my ass! Is that considerate? Is that polite? And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!

Jew 2- I was flicking chickens/ I was looking through the pickings/ When suddenly these goys break down my wall/ I didn't even know them/ But they grab me by the scrotum/ And started playing Ping Pong with my balls/ Oh, the agony/ Oh, the shame/ To have my privates made public for a game!

The French Revolution

Count De Monet - Sir, the peasants are revolting!
King Louis - You said it. They stink on ice.

Madame Defarge - We don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!
Peasant Man - Yeah she's right. We all sound like Maurice Chevalier. Honh, honh, honh.

Madame Defarge - Let us end this meeting on a high note. Eeeeeeee!
Peasants - Eeeeeee!

Bernaise - Your cuffs, your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs. A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his pinky, yours are all the way down to your balls!
Count De Monet - At least I have mine.
Bernaise - Bitch.

Count De Monet - Your majesty...you look like the piss boy!
King Louis - ... and you look like a bucket of shit!

King Louis - It's good to be the king.

King Louis - Of course ya do it. Everybody does it. I just did it, and I'm ready to do it again."

King Louis - They are my people! I am their sovereign! I LOVE Them. Pull! [shoots peasant flung into air]
King Louis - Oohh, leaning to the left.

Count De Monet - Do we have any more of those delicious raisins?
Bernaise - You ate yours, these are mine.
Count De Monet - Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.

Preview of Part II

See... A Viking Funeral
See... Hitler On Ice
See... Jews In Space
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