Hollywood Squares

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Hollywood Squares is a American television comedy game show which had three major incarnations under hosts Peter Marshall, John Davidson, and Tom Bergeron.

Peter Marshall version

  • Thank you very much Kenny Williams! Good morning/evening everybody and welcome to the Hollywood Squares! Hello, Stars!! (Marshall used varying versions of this opening for the entire run of the show)
  • "Ladies and gentlemen, today, one of these stars is sitting The Secret Square, and the contestant who picks it first could win a prize package worth over $2,500...and now which star is it? Nick Adams...Agnes Moorehead...Charley Weaver...Pamela Mason...Wally Cox...Rose Marie...Morey Amsterdam...Abby Dalton...or Ernest Borgnine...all in The Hollywood Squares! And now, here's the master of The Hollywood Squares, Peter Marshall!" -- Announcer Kenny Williams' opening to the very first Hollywood Squares, October 17, 1966.
  • "Object of the players is to get three stars in a row, either across, up and down or diagonally. It is up to them to figure out if the stars are giving them the correct answer or making one up. That's how they get the squares. Each completed game is worth $250 (earlier $300). In addition, in the first three (two from 1971-1972) games, our players vie for the Secret Square. Kenny?" -- Peter Marshall, explaining the rules on the syndicated edition from 1971-1980.
  • "Object of the players is to get three stars in a row, either across, up and down or diagonally. It is up to them to figure out if the stars are giving them the correct answer or making one up. That's how they get the squares. Each game is worth $200. We play a two-out-of-three match; our players play for $400. Every day we play a "secret square" game. We'll play that game as soon as we complete the one in progress." -- Peter Marshall explaining the rules on the NBC daytime version.
  • "Put an 'X' (or a circle) there..." (Peter Marshall upon a capture square)
  • "Can't put an 'X' (or a circle) there, you'll have to earn that one yourself." (Peter Marshall upon a failed block, also used on later versions)
  • "A-a-nd 'X' (or 'circle') will start this Secret Square game for..." (Kenny Williams' segue into the Secret Square prizes, usually ending with, "That's it, Peter!")
  • "Tonight we have a secret square worth 44 million dollars. I mean 44 thousand dollars!" (Peter Marshall slightly miscalculates the value of the prize.)
  • "The areas of questions designed for the celebrities and possible bluff answers are discussed with some celebrities in advance. In the course of this presentation, actual questions and/or answers may be discerned by the celebrities." (End-of-show disclaimer)

"Zingers"

Paul Lynde

  • What made the monkey cry?
    Paul Lynde: ...learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
  • True or false: Your teeth are the same shape and size as a pig's.
    Paul Lynde: Look who's talking, beaver face!
  • According to the familiar quotation, "surely" what "will follow me all the days of my life"?
    Paul Lynde: The nickname "beaver face".
  • Your mother was a jackass and your father was a horse. What does that make you?
    Paul Lynde: The star in the center square, beaver face!
  • Opponents of flouridated water stated that too much fluorine in a person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
    Paul Lynde: HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
  • Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
    Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.
  • True or false - according to the Bible, you are a sinner.
    Paul Lynde: Well, as long as they spelled my name right.
  • Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles easily.
  • When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha house. How did he spend his time in the geisha house?
    Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for peace [piece]!
  • Is there such a thing as a female rooster?
    Paul Lynde: Yes, its the one that goes a-doodle-doo.
  • If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
    Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.
  • Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
    Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
  • In the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony The Wonder Horse?
    Paul Lynde: Oh, My Friend Flicka.
  • The average child in China learns how to do it at age three, and the average child in America never learns. What?
    Paul Lynde: How to pull a rickshaw.
  • True or false: All Chinese words have just one syllable.
    Paul Lynde: What about "laun-dry"?
  • True or false: Roma legend has it that God made the people of the world in a large oven.
    Paul Lynde: (looks at Leslie Uggams) Looks like you were overcooked.
  • In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
    Paul Lynde: In what state? Like all of us: naked and screaming.
  • In the Shakespearean play King Lear, King Lear had 3 of them, Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan. Who were they?
    Paul Lynde: King Lear had goneril [gonorrhea]?!?
  • If you had your choice, would you rather be kicked by a mule or by an ostrich?
    Paul Lynde: They both sound pretty good to me.
  • What would you normally find a camper mounted on?
    Paul Lynde: A camper-ess!
  • Pride, anger, covetousness, lust, gluttony, envy and sloth are collectively known as what?
    Paul Lynde: The Bill Of Rights.
  • On radio, Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome, wealthy Lamont Cranston. In fact, she knew about Lamont Cranston, things that no one else knew. What was it?
    Paul Lynde: Lamont Cranston? That his belly button was an 'outsie.'
  • As every good boat enthusiast knows, when a man falls off a boat and into the water, you yell "Man overboard". But what do you yell if a woman falls into the water?
    Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!.
  • If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
    Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
  • Can you get an elephant drunk?
    Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
  • Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
    Paul Lynde: There's no better way!
  • In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
    Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.
  • According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
    Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
  • Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
    Paul Lynde: They're so cold!
  • What is a pullet?
    Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...
  • In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
    Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...
  • True or false, every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.
    Paul Lynde: And I could name 'em all!

Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)

  • Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
    Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!
  • Charley, if you plant strawberries, will you get any the first year?
    Charley Weaver: No, I was too busy planting strawberries!
  • According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with kissing a lot of people?
    Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
  • Drinking can make you hard of hearing.
    Charley Weaver: What?
  • What should a Scotsman tuck in the top of his stockings?
    Charley Weaver: Is he a very big Scotsman?
  • Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?
    Charley Weaver: Well, out at "The Home", we have one of the first Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!
  • You're wearing a fur coat. Now if it is a common fur coat, it comes from
    the fur of three animals: A mink, a muskrat, or a what?
    Charley Weaver: A wealthy businessman.
  • Between a man and a woman, who is responsible for their child's sex?
    Charley Weaver: I'll loan him the car keys. The rest is up to him.

George Gobel

  • A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    George Gobel: It sure seems that way, sometimes.
  • Experts say that there are only seven or eight things dumber than an ant.
    George Gobel: That's right. And I think I voted for six of 'em.

Marty Allen

  • What does someone from Philadelphia usually dunk his pretzel in?
    Marty Allen: A girl from New Jersey!
  • Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
    Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
  • True or False: Rubbing grapefruits on your body makes you sexy.
    Marty Allen: Whose grapefruits?
  • What new motion picture has an ad campaign that states "He's a lonely forgotten man desperate to prove that he's alive"?
    Marty Allen: Nixon Goes To China.
  • What do you call a group of chickens?
    Marty Allen: A bucket.

McLean Stevenson

  • What is the plural of titmouse?
    Stevenson: Well, let's see... you got your "mice"... you got your "meece"... Titsmice!

John Davidson

  • Japanese brides use to shave something off at the time of their marriage. What?
    John Davidson: Shave something off something off at the time of their marriage. It must be hair, on some part of the body. I wonder what it could be? On the whole I would say... (uproarious laughter)

John Davidson version

  • Davidson [to Jm J. Bullock]: Jm J., have you been a good boy this year?
    Jm J. Bullock: I have been so baaaaaaad!

"Zingers"

  • You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour. In what sport?
    Joan Rivers: Jogging!
  • What did Noah finally do at the age of 972?
    Joan Rivers: Paid for his daughter's wedding.
  • In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?
    Joan Rivers: Adopted.
  • A Russian man has just shown you his "balalaika." What has he shown you?
    Jm J Bullock: Why he's not so popular with the party girls.
  • Who burns more calories during love making, men or women?
    Jm J. Bullock: Are those my only choices.

Tom Bergeron version

  • "YOU FOOL!" --Gilbert Gottfried, Penn Jilette (and later Bergeron himself) got into the action, what he would yell back at contestants who incorrectly judged him in a famous seven question face off for a five square win. This episode lasted only one round.
  • Tom Bergeron: "What is commonly known as 'the Big Easy?'"
    Gilbert Gottfried: "Caroline Rhea!"
    Rhea is in another square, and her jaw drops
  • "I guess that Emmy nomination's shot to [censored, most likely "hell"] by now, isn't it?" -- Tom Bergeron after he congratulated the wrong contestant for winning the game.
  • "The object for the players is to get three stars in a row, either across, up or down or diagonally. It is up to them to figure out if the star is giving them the correct answer or making one up, that's how they get the square. Each game is worth a thou--a thousand dollars?! [laughter] Times have changed!" -- Peter Marshall, going over the rules in a 2002 episode where game show legends were most of the squares; Marshall was the centre square except for one episode, where Bergeron was the center square, and Marshall hosted.
  • Tom Bergeron: If you were on the Lewis and Clark expedition and you asked a 16-year-old girl named Saca-jawa...
    Ben Stein: Sacajawea!
    Whoopi Goldberg: Saca-jawa?! (cracks up)
    Al Roker: Saca-jawa? That's a Starbucks drink!
  • Jeffrey Tambor: It's a good thing you asked me this question, because I used to be a tennis coach.
    Tom Bergeron: Really?
    Jeffrey Tambor: No.
  • "Tom, thank you for letting me sit next to the lovely Kathie Lee Gifford. You know, Regis and I have something in common... we both got rid of our bitches this year." --Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog
  • (Whoopi missed a question)
    Whoopi Goldberg: Oh, what do I know? I'm just a Negress in a box!
    Tom Bergeron (looking into the camera): One of several fabulous prizes in tonight's Secret Square package! (Whoopi cracks up)
  • Tom Bergeron: Triumph, you're the first bag of M&Ms ever produced. Do you have nuts?
    Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Yes, I do Tom... but you can only fit two in the bag!
  • Tom Bergeron: You got it!
  • (from an episode featuring comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, who has just taken off his pants and complains that it's cold in his square; Bergeron is wearing his pink sweater)
    Tom Bergeron: If you're just tuning in, there's no way I can possibly explain this...
  • Tom Bergeron: Okay, here's our video secret square question, Triumph.
Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog: Holy cripe.
Tom Bergeron: This actor's last name is so hard to pronounce he was credited in his first movie as Arnold Strong, Arnold Schwartz, or Arnold Big?
Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog: What, you think I'm an idiot? Schwartzenegger! Go get the money!
Tom Bergeron: Well, that's lovely, but your choices are...
Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog: What?!
Tom Bergeron: ...Arnold Strong, Arnold Schwartz, or Arnold Big.
Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog: Oh, sorry, I'm a freakin' dog, you know! Not too bright!
  • [question to Raquel Welch]
    Tom Bergeron: If you're eating a convenience store hot dog, is it better for you if the weiner is smooth or if it's wrinkled?
    [audience roars, Raquel looks dumbfounded]
    Whoopi Goldberg: See, it's not just me that gets these questions!
    Raquel Welch: Well, I mostly know about smooth ones...
    Martin Mull: Well, there goes the Peabody!
    [a few seconds later, Bergeron gives the correct answer]
    Tom Bergeron: Wrinkled...reason is, it's had all the saturated fat sucked out of it!


"Zingers"

  • Bruce, you're the most popular fruit in America. What are you?
    Bruce Vilanch: Humbled.
  • Martha Stewart once said that there's nothing more delicious than one of these. What?
    Bruce Vilanch: A good spanking!
  • This classic 1958 science fiction film is about a huge mass from outer space that stalks the earth and devours everything in its path. What's the name of this film?
    Gilbert Gottfried: The Marlon Brando Story.
  • How does a comet get its tail?
    Peter Marshall: Oh, the same as everyone else I guess, a little cognac, a Barry White CD...
  • Ellen, true or false, the state of Virginia was named after a reputed virgin.
    Ellen DeGeneres: Well, if that's true, what does that say about Idaho?
  • He dangled from balloons in his first book in 1940 and this year in the Macy's parade he dangled as a balloon. Who is he?
    Brad Garrett: The kids' favorite, Louie Anderson.
  • What song did Mozart compose when he was only seven years old?
    Donny Osmond: "Play that Funky Music, White Boy."

Whoopi Goldberg

  • The term SWAT originated in the Los Angeles Police Department. What does SWAT stand for?
    Whoopi Goldberg: Some Whoop-Ass Tonight!
  • You have "frigaphobia." What are you afraid of?
    Whoopi Goldberg: Every friggin' thing!
  • Is Viagra kosher for passover?
    Whoopi Goldberg: Not if it leads to pork.
  • Since the first woman entered this institution, 84 women have followed her. What institution is that?
    Whoopi Goldberg: Marriage to Larry King.

External links

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